Empty Nest (1988) s03e17 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery One by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on good morning, dreyf.
How are you? Did you have a good night sleep? Did you, huh? Boy, I had kind of a weird dream.
Yeah, I was lecturing before a group of very distinguished physicians, and all I had on was my underwear.
And I was so embarrassed, I apologized to everybody, and then, pff, I flew out the window.
Unfortunately, I hit some turbulence.
My shorts blew off.
Next thing you know, I'm with Michelle pfeiffer sharing a donut.
- Morning, daddy.
- Morning, sweetheart.
How was your date last night? Well, he took me out to dinner at a very expensive restaurant, which he felt entitled him to certain liberties.
So we discussed it for a while, and then I kneed him in the groin.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Oh, don't be.
It was one of my better dates.
Good morning, all.
- Good morning, baby.
- What's up? Oh, your sister was just telling me about her date.
Oh, was that the guy doubled up on the lawn? Yes.
He was cute.
Hello, westons.
Gosh, gee, it's a beautiful day the sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky or a whip of wind score last night, Charley? Bingo.
You know, it's true what they say about Swedish babes.
They love when you write dirty words on their bodies in aerosol cheese.
Charley, no one has ever said that about Swedish women.
Anyway, that's not why I'm here.
I'm I'm here to wish you folks happy anniversary.
What anniversary? Today is exactly two years since Barbara and Carol moved back in the house.
Really? Two years? - Sure has gone by fast.
- Sure has.
Charley, why would you remember the exact day the girls moved back? One, when they moved back in your refrigerator became worth raiding.
Two, young women at the breakfast table, which means there's always the chance of a loose-fitting robe, a dropped fork Charley Out! I haven't finished telling you my reasons.
Out.
Just as well, I only had the two.
Happy anniversary.
Now, Timmy, it's normal for you to wanna be just like your dad, but I think you may be rushing this shaving thing.
Timmy, why don't you wait out there? - Yeah.
- Okay.
So, is he okay, doctor? Yes, yes.
Now, Timmy's going through what psychologists call identification.
That's when a boy idealizes his father and wants to be just like him.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I went through the same thing myself when I was his age.
I thought my dad was the greatest thing in the world.
I wanted to be just like him.
It's a perfectly normal phase.
We all grow out of it.
Oh, well, that's a relief.
What line of work was your father in? He was a pediatrician.
Hmm.
That one kinda took a right turn on me.
Your cake arrived.
Oh, great! Let me see, let me see, let me see.
"Happy two year anniversary".
Ah, that's this will be a great surprise for the girls.
Laverne, thank you for taking care of this.
Yeah.
Oh, wait.
Here's the card.
Oh, good.
"Congratulations on your bar mitzvah"? What is this? They didn't have any cards celebratin' two adult daughters still livin' at home.
- We do not need a card.
- Well, I'll take it then.
Nurse horowitz's boy is about to become a man.
I'm having trouble decidin' on the most appropriate gift.
Hell, I don't know whether get him a coonskin cap or plant a tree in his name in the Moshe dayan memorial forest.
Hang on, dreyfuss.
You'll have your dinner in just a minute.
Two years, dreyfuss.
Two years I've been living at home now.
I mean, how could this have happened? This was supposed to be a transitional move.
I was A little lonely, I needed a safe haven.
A couple of months at the most.
I was going to stay just long enough to get my career in order and meet the right man.
A professor.
Or a psychologist.
Or maybe someone in the arts, given to erratic mood swings.
And here I am two years later living in the same house I grew up in.
What went wrong? I mean, are there no good men out there? Or is it me? Maybe I'm not really ready for a relationship.
Maybe maybe I'm still recovering from the wounds of my marriage.
Oh, god, dreyfuss.
It was so bad.
Tsk, the lies, the cheating The amazing thing is that I was surprised by it.
I mean, god knows he gave me enough clues.
Like that freudian slip he made when he said another woman's name during our wedding vows.
But I stayed with him for five years.
I guess I was just scared of being alone.
See, I've always I've always been afraid of the unknown, of taking risks.
That is the one thing I admire about Barbara.
She just plunges ahead never worrying about the consequences.
I like to believe she can do that, not because she's brave, but because she's stupid.
You know, when I think about it, dreyfuss, my whole life boils down to playing it safe.
And that's what I'm still doing in this house.
Playing it safe.
Hi, Carol.
What's up? Nothing.
I'm I'm gonna wash up for dinner.
Would you mind feeding dreyfuss? - Sure.
- Thanks.
Oh, dreyfuss.
This two year thing is really getting to me.
I mean, I always thought of myself as real independent, you know? Look at me.
I'm 28 years old.
I'm still living at home.
Of course, I wouldn't have moved back if it weren't for that credit card trouble.
Which really wasn't my fault.
I mean, those cards are so pretty with the holograms and stuff.
It's easy to forget you're gonna get billed every month.
Boy, a lot of real bad stuff happens once a month.
Weird.
Anyway, I've never been good with money.
Not like Carol.
She balances her checkbook to the penny.
She makes me sick.
You know what I like to do to her, dreyfuss? Late at night, when everyone's asleep, I like to go around the house and make all the pictures and paintings a little off-center.
Not much, just a little.
Drives her crazy.
What's the matter with me, dreyfuss? I've been here two years.
I can imagine myself at sixty.
Still the same perky, upbeat, carefree Barbara.
I'll tell you a secret, dreyfuss.
I'm not as perky and upbeat and carefree as daddy and Carol think I am.
I mean, I feel sad and lonely and lots of other stuff.
But something happens when I walk through that door.
It's like I leave all those other feelings outside.
I don't know.
It's sort of like we all have roles in this family.
Daddy's role is to take care of us and protect us.
Carol's role is to run the house, be a big nut, always depressed with millions of problems.
My role is to be perky and upbeat and carefree.
You know, I'd like to be able to bring some of those other feelings into the house, but I don't think they could handle it.
I mean, let's face it.
Carol practically sucks the life out of all of us as it is.
So I've gotta be perky and upbeat and carefree.
I'll tell you, dreyfuss.
It's a tough role to play.
Hi, my sweetie.
How are you? - Daddy! I'm fine.
- Hey, my dreyf.
My dreyf is there.
How are you? Your sister home? Yeah, she's upstairs.
Would you go get her and bring her down here, please? Sure.
Oh, daddy, will you feed dreyfuss? Yeah, sure.
You haven't eaten yet, dreyf.
Come on.
You must be famished.
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, dreyf.
Isn't this great? The girls have been home like two years now.
Boy, I remember when they first came back.
Whoa, I had a lot to learn about being a father to a couple of adult daughters, didn't I? Oh, yeah, I learned that threatening to cut off their allowance didn't pack quite the wallop it once did.
And yet, somehow "stop that or no dessert" seems to be timeless.
Anyway, dreyf.
We gotta face it here.
Old Harry has become quite a dad.
Hey, ladies.
- What's all this? - Well You've been home now two years.
I thought a little celebration was in order.
Here you go.
A toast.
Here's to two wonderful years and my two wonderful daughters.
Now your turn, Carol.
You say something.
Oh, all right.
Let me think of something.
Okay, I've got it.
I'm moving out.
Me too.
I don't get it.
I i was just toasting to two wonderful years with my two wonderful daughters, and you both suddenly announced you're moving out? - That's right.
- By the way, you're not moving out just because I said I am, are you? No.
Actually, that almost made me reconsider.
Wait.
I don't i still don't understand this, please.
I mean, shouldn't we Shouldn't we talk about this? It's just time to move on.
It's for the best, daddy.
Uh Oh, my.
Oof.
Oh, what's going on here? Oh, boy, dreyf.
Dreyf, dreyfuss, please.
I i i gotta talk this through here.
Look, I mean, I know that they're adults and they should live their lives any way they want to.
It's just I hate the idea of them leaving.
I mean, I so like being daddy, you know? I mean You know, when when Carol comes home from a bad day, I like to be here for her to comfort her and put my arms around her and say, "don't worry, sweetheart, it's all gonna be okay.
" And then Barbara comes home from a bad day of Target practice, you know, I love I love to give her a hug and say, "oh, don't worry, sweetheart" "next time you'll put a bullet right through his brain.
" Well, you know, it's not That's not a great example, but you know what I mean.
It's just that I mean, when they were little girls, I miss out on a all of that stuff because I was I was young, you know.
I was building a practice, I was working day and night.
I didn't have time to be a daddy, and now Now I have the time and I love being a daddy.
And now they're gonna leave me.
God, listen to me, listen to me.
I'm talking about what's good for me, not Not what's good for them.
The last thing I wanna do is stand in the way of their happiness.
No.
That's it.
No, no.
If they if they wanna move out, I just I'll just keep my mouth shut and I'll just pretend that I'm as happy as I could be for them.
But you know what, dreyf? Just between you and me, my old pal I'm gonna miss them so much.
Come here.
Come on, my little friend, yeah.
Hi, baby.
Oh, you're up early.
I'm off to check out a "roommate wanted" add.
Oh, really.
Another one, huh? Yes, but this lady's ad sounds very promising, daddy.
"43-year old non-smoking depressive female" "seeks like-minded roommate" "to share large lonely two-bedroom apartment" "with view of cemetery.
" "Gas stove.
" What do you think? I think they're gonna want last month's rent in advance.
- Bye, daddy.
- Bye, sweetheart.
Morning, daddy.
- Hi, baby.
- Where's Carol going? Oh, she's off to look at another apartment.
Oh, I guess I'm pretty lucky to have found one so quickly.
Being a police woman does have its perks.
So, uh, when is it you can move in? Well, they got the body out yesterday So now all I have to do is dust for prints Probably this weekend.
Oh, sounds great.
Oh, it's a really neat place, daddy.
It's got a nice patio and a fireplace.
Of course I'll have to buy a new poker.
Half the fun is decorating.
- Yeah.
Bye.
- Yes.
Bye, sweetheart.
Oh, doctor.
Barbara called.
Said she'd be late tonight.
She's workin' undercover for vice posin' as someone named mistress Jacqueline.
What else? Carol called.
She took the apartment.
She moves in Sunday and to quote her: "The view of the cemetery is to die for.
" Dr.
Weston.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Knox how's Timmy? - I'm not sure.
- What do you mean? You know how you said it's normal for a boy his age to try and be like his father, to identify with him? Right.
Well, Timmy's definitely identifying with his father.
It's just that Well, judge for yourself.
Timmy! Harry, good to see you again.
Well, Timmy, it's surely good to see you, too.
What do you say you and I have a little chat? Good idea, doctor.
I'd like to talk to you about term-life insurance.
Let's face it at your age, these decisions can't be put off any longer.
Uh-huh.
Honey, pass me the sports pages, please.
- Sure, daddy.
- Thank you.
Hi.
Barbara, dear.
Uh, considering the fact that you're gonna be moving out in a couple of days and you won't have to put up dear old dad much longer, can i Can I say just one thing? Sure, daddy.
What the hell are you doing dressed like that?! That is disgraceful! I like it.
Out! Right.
Daddy, it's part of an undercover operation.
You wouldn't believe how many men wanna be dominated.
This one guy actually wanted to pay me money to lick my shoes.
Good, dear.
Details.
Just what your daddy wants to hear.
- I'll go change.
- Yes.
I'm gonna get the boxes out of the garage and start packing.
Uh Oh, dreyf, did you hear that? Gonna start packing.
Ooh, the girls are really gonna move out.
Well, I'm not gonna let 'em! I'll just No, no, no, no.
They wanna move out.
I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut.
Carol, honey, are you okay? I was starting to get the boxes when I thought about that man who wanted to lick Barbara's shoes.
No, no, dear.
It's a very, very upsetting thought.
You're telling me? I can barely get a date, she's got men tongue-kissing her footwear? Oh, sweetheart.
Oh, Carol, honey, come on, baby.
No, sweetheart.
I'm sure there are lots of men who would love to lick your shoes.
Baby, what what about the guy the other night? The one you kneed in the groin.
He wanted you.
You're right, daddy.
He did.
He wanted to do some terrible things to me.
There you go! Come on now.
You dry your eyes, baby.
I'll go get the boxes for you.
Oh, god.
He's a wonderful father, dreyfuss.
I'm gonna miss him.
But I have got to leave.
It is absolutely essential that I move on.
Although for the life of me I can't remember why.
Oh, yes.
Playing it safe.
I have got to start taking risks.
Though I don't know why I can't start taking risks while I'm still living at home.
I mean, doesn't it make more sense to take risks while you have the support of loving family around you? But obviously daddy wants us to leave, or he would have tried to stop us.
Wouldn't he? Here you go, baby.
Uh, what do you want me to do with these? I don't know, daddy.
What do you suggest I do with those moving boxes? Honey, I promised myself I was not gonna open my mouth, but now that you ask me I think you should just Please, stop packing and yes, daddy? Hire a couple of movers.
Thanks, daddy.
That's a good idea.
Oh, daddy, I could use some of those moving boxes.
Okay.
I'll go get them.
Did you see the way he yelled at me before? So sweet.
I like it when he does that.
I like it when he worries about me.
Oh, dreyfuss, I'm really gonna miss that.
Maybe this moving thing isn't such a great idea.
Maybe this family could handle me not always being perky and upbeat and carefree.
I'd like to give it a try.
The only problem is it seems like he wants us to move.
Sure hasn't tried to talk us out of it.
Unless I'm reading him wrong.
Here you go.
Daddy, can I ask you something? Movers, hire movers.
Only way to go.
Oh, I'll get it.
Oh, Laverne, hi.
Hey! Sorry to bother you, folks.
I just wanted to give you this wine to celebrate your new livin' arrangements.
Well, that's real sweet of you.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's manischewitz.
I think that horowitz bar mitzvah is kinda playin' with my mind.
Well, well, we appreciate it.
So, in just a few days you girls will be livin' in your very own apartments.
You must be real excited.
- Oh, yes.
- Real excited.
And you'll finally have this place all to yourself.
Righty-o.
Well, why don't you open that up? I'll get us some glasses.
- Okay, I need a corkscrew.
- No, you don't.
Well, if I ever saw three people they didn't wanna leave each other, it's them.
I mean, I'm not saying I approve of kids that old still livin' at home, but I remember how Dr.
Weston was before they moved in, and I remember how they were.
And there is no gettin' around it.
They belong together.
Of course, it don't surprise me that they're all in there overlookin' the obvious, but frankly, dreyfuss, what does confound me is I thought you had better sense.
Laverne, you only have three glasses.
I know, I've gotta run.
Things to do.
L'Chaim! Well, here you go, girls.
Let's go.
Our little farewell.
A little bon voyage.
Have a little toast.
To your move! Here's dreyfuss, what is it? Daddy, what's wrong with him? Dreyf.
Well, you know how sensitive he is.
He's He's kind of upset that your moving out.
- I bet you're right.
- That makes sense.
Well He'll adjust.
Why chance it? I'm staying.
Me too.
- What? - Don't make us go, daddy.
What? Go? I'm not making you.
I didn't say I hate the idea of you leaving.
- You do? - Why didn't you say something? Because I thought you wanted to leave.
- Not anymore.
- We wanna stay.
I want you to stay too.
Hey! This is great! Oh, good.
Come on.
Let's toast.
Welcome home!