Happy Endings s03e17 Episode Script
Bros Before Bros
(Indistinct conversations) Well (Sighs) spring has sprung.
The food truck business is about to boom, which means once again I have to contend with my archenemy, the Brazilian.
What's wrong with you guys? Normally, you'd razz me pretty hard when I say things like "spring has sprung" or when I walk into a room.
"Five way Jinx.
" Really? "Yes, really!" All right, fine.
Max, Penny, Brad, Jane, Alex.
(Max, Penny, and Brad shout at once) UnJinxed.
(Gasps, breathing deeply) (Laughs) You don't have to hold your breath when you're Jinxed.
I play prison rules.
They play Jinx in prison? Guys, back to my thing! The Brazilian.
Oh, you mean that guy with the awesome steak truck-- Rio de Ja-Tasty? Oh, I love that guy.
He has the best churrascherascia.
- It's (Brazilian accent) churrascaria.
- Ugh.
- Gross.
- Anyway, the guy's a real jerk.
He's always sabotaging me, trying to steal my business.
Just fight back like you did in high school when those kids stole your can of mousse.
Oh, wait.
You didn't fight back.
You just hid in the yearbook office and complained that your hair wasn't hard enough.
Penny, this dude is hard-core.
One time, he plugged an exhaust vent in my truck with human manure.
And he's always calling in fake to-go orders.
You didn't think it was weird that Dean Cain asked you to cater an 1,100-person bachelor party? No, Jane, I didn't think it was weird because it was Dean freakin' Cain.
- Ohh.
- The point is, I gotta be a man and stand up for myself on my own, with you guys behind me-- Brad, maybe you more towards the front, perhaps wearing some raiders gear? Well, us gals can't help 'cause we're too busy doing some last-minute details for the old wedding.
Yep.
I'm officially in the wedding red zone.
See, I put that in sports terms so you guys could understand.
We're in the eighth quarter, boys, about to put some sports points up on the scoreyard.
Oops.
I think I formbled the bawrrl.
(Whistles) Turnunder.
- Well, Brad, Max? - I don't know.
I sent myself an alarm clock to scare the Fed Ex guy, and that's showing up around 1:00.
But other than that, I think I'm free.
I'm all clear.
Was gonna volunteer teaching some inner city kids how to read, but then I was like (Blows raspberry) this is my Saturday.
Awesome.
Well, the girls got their stupid thing, and we got our awesome thing, so go us on three.
Ready? (All) One-- Jinx! (Inhales deeply) Then at 3:12, Penny enters, lookin' gorg, saunters down the aisle as we call once again on the obese Hawaiian ukulele trio for "Suddenly Seymour" (Whispers) from "Little Shop Of Horrors.
" Fat people and tiny instruments-- you think they're gonna eat 'em, but then they play 'em.
Yep.
Oh, God.
It's just like I dreamed.
Wait.
Who's gonna walk you down the aisle? You know what? I never even thought about that.
You had Jane plan you a backup wedding in an underground bunker just in case North Korea quote "grew a pair," but you never thought about who was gonna walk you down the aisle? (Gasps) Wait! You should have your dad do it.
- What? (Whispers) - Yes! Why? I can't even remember the last time I saw him.
Yeah, 'cause he's a deadbeat.
He left you and your mom to become an actor? Ucch.
Actors are the worst.
- Awful.
- The worst.
But, Jane, "deadbeat" is a little strong.
Roy and my mom were 17.
They were just two kids doing Shakespeare in the park and each other in the parking lot.
Besides, my mom and I were fine without him.
But this is a chance to reconnect with him.
No, Pen, I don't wanna see you get hurt.
Okay, he was never there for you.
Why would you let him be a part of your special day? Come on, Penny.
You have half your dad's DNA, and you're amazing.
He has all his DNA.
Think of how great he could be.
He's the great unknown.
He's the Moon.
We've been to the Moon.
Really, Jane? Have we? Or have we been to a soundstage in Burbank? Penny, you got to at least call him and tell him that you're getting married.
Yeah.
Maybe I will.
Yes! (Hisses) Ah! Brad, you're a businessman.
How do I beat the Brazilian? Well (Sighs) you need to follow the four basic business principles-- marketing, quality, research, and service.
It's a little something we in the corporate world like to call "maskqualisearcheting.
" (Imitating nails screeching on chalkboard) I have sat silent long enough.
It's been 20 seconds.
Dave, you don't need any of this business crap.
What you need is to play dirty.
(Sighs) You need a dirtbag, and luily enough for you, my middle name is Herbert (Snaps fingers) and I'm a dirtbag.
He's not lying.
He once ladybugged himself into a junior high girls soccer tournament, bet against the team, and then threw the game.
Best $45 I ever won, minus the $10 it cost me to find an ace bandage big enough to strap down my girls.
But what we need to do, David, is go down to his butcher, change the order from delicious churrasco beef that he usually gets to all the nasty bits.
I'm talkin' lips, veins, and grade Y crotch meat.
Are you telling me that you convinced an AYSO tournament director that you were as flat as a seventh grade girl? Guilty as charged.
Well, I tried playing fair, and it didn't work.
Max, you got the ball now.
- What?! - What?! Oh.
Oh, yeah! Yeah, I can handle it.
Good call.
(Exhales deeply) Guys, thank you so much for coming with me to meet my dad.
I am nervous.
Don't be! It's exciting! Well, he's off to a great start-- 20 minutes late.
Classic deadbeat dad move.
Right now he's probably in the engine room of a riverboat casino, just begging for his thumbs back.
Penny? Hi, Roy.
Oh.
Oh.
H-- oh.
- Uh - Hey.
Hello.
- Okay.
Hi.
- Hello.
Okay.
(Chuckles) Roy, this is Jane and Alex.
- Hi! - 'Sup, trick? Nice to meet you both.
Listen, Penny, I'm sorry I'm late.
I wanted to bring you flowers, but I didn't know what kind you liked, so I just took a stab and I went with peonies.
(Gasps) They're my favorite! (Jane clears throat) I mean they're a'ight.
So what? You're just gonna give these flowers to Penny, expect her to raise them by herself? (Laughs) Oh, come on, Jane.
Only a dad could guess his daughter's favorite flowers.
Quick-- what's Penny's favorite food? Bacon.
- Wait.
That's mine.
- Let me guess.
You're the friend that I'm gonna have to win over, you're the optimist that believes in second chances, and you're Penny, right? I'm kidding! (Laughs) (Laughs) I'm-- I'm nervous, and I joke when I'm nervous, so - So do I.
So do I.
- Yeah.
You know, a Mexican walks into a spaceship.
I'm sorry.
I get racist when I joke.
And I get hungry when I get racist.
(Chuckles) Okay.
Should we sit down and order? Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, you want us to cancel the rib eye and the top sirloin, and instead you want a tripe, ligament, and inner ear meat.
All right.
And there's so such thing as a prime colon chop, pal.
Ah, for shame.
Are you sure about this? Us at Rio de Ja-Tasty are going in a new direction.
All right, we'll send it out shortly.
Obrigado, my friend.
(Castanets clicking) Uhh! Sorry, shoulders.
It's okay, cool pants.
I'm Wilson.
Max.
We should hang out sometime.
Ooh! (Exhales deeply) World-class hang, bro.
So I'm in Studio 54.
It's 1981, '82, something like that, and Stephen Sondheim looks at me (Utensil clatters) and says, "you've got it.
" (Gasps) Stephen Joshua Sondheim.
"You've got it.
" Of course, then I realized he was talking about his umbrella.
'Cause we were by the front door, and I thought there was, like, a communal "give an umbrella, take an umbrella" thing.
But you know, that was, that was Broadway in the '80s.
- Wow! - Amazing! Certainly beats reading a bedtime story to your newborn daughter.
Okay, look, I've got no excuse, okay? I'm so sorry.
But I was young, and I was chasing a dream.
If it makes you feel better, the dream didn't work out either.
Yeah, that does make me feel better.
So what now, Roy? Hmm? You here for a handout? Oh, no.
No.
Uh, I started a company a few years ago-- Roy's Hard Mimosas.
We're doing pretty well.
Have you heard of 'em? Heard of it? It's the champagne of mimosas! Really? This is great! Congratulations! - Oh, thank you.
- Oh! Let me propose a toast.
(Cans fizz) Ah! Oh, Penny, I never thought that you'd ever want to talk to me again, so thank you.
So here's to second chances, and here's to Penny.
Here's to you.
Aw! Cheers! To Penny.
(Clink) (Motor rumbling) (Turns off engine) Hey, is this thing street-legal? Sure, but as far as the law is concerned, you're a bag of groceries.
So where is your dumb job anyway? I work right there.
You mean, those big buildings behind that steak truck that happens to be the rival steak truck to the steak truck that is owned by my best friend? Nope.
I work in that steak truck, which happens to belong to my dad.
Damn it, Chad! You got me in trouble again.
Chad's what I call my underpants monster.
I believe you two have met.
Dude, this new hockey game is awesome.
Yeah, it's so realistic, it won't even let me create a black player.
Well (Sighs) the Brazilian retaliated.
- Was it bad? - It was creative.
Well, that's a dink in the doink.
Dave, I told you not to play dirty.
You have to follow the four simple principles of business-- strategy, planning, tactics, and execution.
Or "straplanatajection.
" No, Brad, we're in the trenches now.
We gotta double down.
Max, what do you gots? Slash his tires? Key his truck? I'll do you one better.
What say you and I grab our three dearest possessions and hitchhike across the Southwest? 'Cause the truth is, I slept with Wilson.
Wilson? The volleyball from "Cast Away" that you stole from the Houston Planet Hollywood? No.
I slept with Wilson, the Brazilian's son.
What?! Max! The Brazilian is my archenemy.
Bros before bros, man! How was I supposed to know that he'd be the enemy in your weird meat feud? (Affected voice) Two star-crossed lovers, both alike in dignity, in fair Chicago where we lay our scene.
- What? - What? (Normal voice) Oh, my love of rational business plans is clashing with my love of clandestine love affairs.
It's like Romeo and Juliet.
Nay, Homeo and Dude-liet.
- Ooh, good one.
- They hath made the beast with two butts! Max, I can't believe you did that.
Whose team are you on, mine or the team that put my truck on its tushy? (Gasps, breathy voice) Oh, my God.
Love or friendship? (Laughs) This is gettin' too good.
Dave I'm on your team.
Good, 'cause I need your help.
Now tomorrow's the cubs' opening day.
I wanna decorate my truck with ivy and a mini scoreboard, just like at Wrigley Field.
But it will only work if I get my primo spot in front of the stadium.
And I know the Brazilian's gonna try to take it.
Dave, relaxi your taxi, 'cause I am gonna get you that spot if it's the last thing that I do before getting myself a pizza and eating it in bed as a celebratory feast for getting you that spot.
Team friendship! (All) Team friendship! (Giggles) (Alex and Jane gasp) - Oh! Suh kyut! - Oh! Suh kyut! Okay, you have to get this dress.
It's the one! I know but it is so expensive.
I mean, this will blow my entire budget.
(Singsongy) Hi! (Normal voice) Um, could you bring me a dress that's a little more affordable? Like, maybe one from last season or one somebody died in? Why? This is your dress.
Oh, I know it's totally my dress.
It looks like I was poured into it, but Ooh! No, you own this dress.
You are owning it! (Laughs) - She is owning it! (High-pitched voice) - Rockin' it 360! Listen, that man bought you this dress.
Ta-da! (Claps hands) Roy? What-- what are you Well, you and your friends were talking about coming here to try on dresses, so I called ahead, and they said you'd been looking at this one for weeks.
- You bought me this dress? - Uh-huh.
- I-I can't - I wanted to do something nice for you.
You know, since I wasn't there to teach you how to ride a bike or have the S-E-X talk.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I still don't know how this dad stuff works.
I mean, after all, I abandoned my only daughter.
(Chuckles) We know.
I'm still nervous.
It's okay.
Me, too.
And luckily, the garbageman taught me how to ride a bike.
And as for the S-E-X I learned how to spell at a very young age.
Anywho, I'm just-- I'm glad that you're here now.
Me, too.
(Piano jazz playing) God, I really love it.
Wow.
It looks perfect.
Roy, I know this sounds fast, but would you walk me down the aisle? (Gasps) Of course I would.
Oh! Oh, my God, I never dreamed you would ask me that.
Really? Even though you are wearing a tuxedo.
W-well, maybe I'm going to the theater.
Were you? No, I'm not.
Oh, gosh! (Laughs) Aw! (Gasps, singsongy) You aw'd! I'm winning you over! - No, no.
See, what that was, was "why I oughta" - Oh.
Okay, fine, I'm warming up to you, Roy.
(Both laugh) Okay, a little sugar in the gas tank.
No problem.
- Max? - Huh? Max, what are you doing here? Uh uh, just taking my nightly sugar walk with my funnel hat.
I can't lie to you.
I just-- I came here to sabotage the truck, but I can't do it.
I-I don't care what anybody says.
I wanna be together.
Screw it.
I'm gonna talk to my father and see if we can't end this beefy feud once and for all.
Awesome.
So whilst we wait for that convo to get on the books, maybe Chad and I could come up and hang out? Oof! These Roy's bad ass bellinis are the taters.
I know! I think I'm a little MC Schlammered.
(Both laugh) God, I love that dress! (Jane) Mmm! You guys, you don't think it was too much, too soon for Roy to buy it for me, do you? No.
I mean, I know you were trying to stay on a budget, but those other dresses were garbage.
I mean, one of them was made from 100% recycled corduroy.
That was very loud.
You're right.
You're right! (Knock on door) Oh.
(Singsongy) That's Roy.
- Oh! (Jane) - There he is! - Hi! - Hey, Roys "R" us! Ah! Hello, ladies.
(Door closes) Hey, I've got some great news.
I know the GM of the Drake Hotel.
He and I did summer stock in Ogunquit, Maine.
I called him and I reserved you their main ballroom for your wedding reception.
Aw! Roy, that's so sweet, but it's outside of our budget.
Well, no, money's no object.
I got it.
Penny, the Drake is the best place to get married in Chicago.
I mean, Oprah and Stedman have had it reserved for 17 years.
Okay, slow down.
Pete and I are very happy with the wedding that we have planned.
Speaking of Pete, I called him and I invited him on a fishing trip.
- Oh.
- Seems like a future father-in-law kind of thing to do, you know? Do you think it's too soon to ask him to call me "dad"? Yeah, Roy.
I do.
I don't even call you "dad" (Chuckles) because you're not, really.
Look, this is all just too much.
I don't need you to swoop in here now and buy me a wedding.
I can do that for myself.
I needed you before, like when I had to take mom to the father-daughter dance, or when that pregnant girl punched me in the face at prom.
And I know it only seems like I needed you during dances, but there were plenty of other times, too.
I don't know (Sighs) Roy.
Maybe this whole thing was a mistake.
Well I'm sorry that you feel that way.
(Sighs) Maybe I should just go back to New York.
Yeah, maybe you should.
Guys, this could be the bellinis talking, but let's go to a strip club.
We could check out the local talent.
Hey, guys.
Truck looks good.
Yeah, you know what else looks good? The truck that looks great.
(Samba music playing) The Brazilian stole Dave's idea.
I don't know.
I mean, people develop the same idea all the time - without two guys having sex with each other.
- What? Look, I saw Wilson last night, and I gave up the goods.
And I told him about your idea.
Max! You're unbelievable! (British accent) Young Max hath wronged his kinsman David, yet I celebrate his forbidden love.
Enough with this craziness.
You know the one thing we haven't tried yet? - Bees.
Smart.
- No, Max, talking.
All right? I'm an adult.
I'm gonna make the guy a sandwich and go talk to him.
Dave, I'm sorry! (Sighs) I-I thought I could trust him! - God, I-I really wanna help out - I know.
but I also really wanna Samba.
(Whispers) I know.
I get it.
Hello, the Brazilian.
Hello, the American.
I made you this sandwich as a peace offering.
We gotta end this madness.
We must figure out a way to share Wrigleyville.
You're right.
Come back after closing.
We'll talk it out over a cafe con leche.
Okay.
(Imitates Brazilian accent) Cafe con leche.
- Sim.
- Okay.
Nailed it, David.
Really? Ooh! (All shouting indistinctly) Aah! Aah! Yes! Oh! - Yeah! - Aah! (Shouts indistinctly) Aah! Wah! (Screeches) Get a shirt! Aah! (Slow motion voice) Oh! Aah! No! (Penny shrieks) Roy? (Gasps) Are you okay? Oh! (Chuckles) Oh, of course I am.
Yeah.
No, it-- it was just a tomato.
It-- no pain at all.
(Exhales) (Max shouts indistinctly) Brazilian! (Both screaming) It's you! You betrayed me! You stole Dave's idea! I'm sorry! My father invoked "dads before lads"! I couldn't argue with that.
For what it's worth, I really liked you.
I really liked you, too.
Yeah? (Tomato thuds) (Bernstein's "Romeo and Juliet Overture-Fantasy" playing) (Loud clatter) (Pepper thuds) It is clear my son loves your son.
Yeah.
Wait.
What? We must find a way to work in peace, Dan.
It's Dave.
I work pretty hard not to look like a "Dan.
" Respect.
(Affected voice) Behold 'twas love betwixt two men that quelled the dogs of war.
All right, Brad.
We all went to high school.
(Both laugh) This is Oh, wait.
Hold on.
What is You got a little cauliflower ear.
(Laughs) (Laughs) So you were actually kind of there for me when I needed you.
That was nice.
Yeah.
Um, listen, Penny, there aren't enough "I'm sorrys" in the world to make up for what I did to you.
I was young and selfish and-- and so stupid.
And then I thought I found a way I could fix things, and I guess I just went too fast, is all.
Oh, trust me, I get too fast too soon.
The first day of college, I gained 15 pounds.
(Chuckles) Well, anyway, I was on my way to the airport, and I wanted to give you something.
So I called Jane, and she told me where you were, and I-I wanted to give you this.
It's the bracelet they put on you at the hospital the day you were born.
I thought you might want it for the wedding.
You know, it could be your "something old.
" Well (Chuckles) it's the same age as me, so calm down.
But (Chuckles) this is really sweet.
Thank you.
Well, I'm off.
Uh, you ever wanna talk, you just give Old Roy a call.
I will.
Or we could talk at the wedding.
I mean, I-I don't think I'm ready to have you walk me down the aisle, but but I definitely want you to be there dad.
Oh, wow.
"Dad.
" (Chuckles) That's pretty heavy.
Maybe it'd be better if we didn't talk for another 30 years.
I'm kidding.
(Laughs) I'm kidding 'cause I'm nervous.
But I'm so happy.
Me, too.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Hey, you know, I never really asked you, and mom never really mentioned it, but why didn't you guys work out? Oh.
I'm super gay.
And that explains almost everything about me.
(Exhales) You know, you're the first person I've told.
- What? - No, I'm kidding! You're the last person to know! Everybody knows it! (Laughing) - I mean, come on.
- Whoo! I mean, hello! I'm the guy selling mimosas! (Continues laughing) I know! I know! I know! I know! (Laughs)
The food truck business is about to boom, which means once again I have to contend with my archenemy, the Brazilian.
What's wrong with you guys? Normally, you'd razz me pretty hard when I say things like "spring has sprung" or when I walk into a room.
"Five way Jinx.
" Really? "Yes, really!" All right, fine.
Max, Penny, Brad, Jane, Alex.
(Max, Penny, and Brad shout at once) UnJinxed.
(Gasps, breathing deeply) (Laughs) You don't have to hold your breath when you're Jinxed.
I play prison rules.
They play Jinx in prison? Guys, back to my thing! The Brazilian.
Oh, you mean that guy with the awesome steak truck-- Rio de Ja-Tasty? Oh, I love that guy.
He has the best churrascherascia.
- It's (Brazilian accent) churrascaria.
- Ugh.
- Gross.
- Anyway, the guy's a real jerk.
He's always sabotaging me, trying to steal my business.
Just fight back like you did in high school when those kids stole your can of mousse.
Oh, wait.
You didn't fight back.
You just hid in the yearbook office and complained that your hair wasn't hard enough.
Penny, this dude is hard-core.
One time, he plugged an exhaust vent in my truck with human manure.
And he's always calling in fake to-go orders.
You didn't think it was weird that Dean Cain asked you to cater an 1,100-person bachelor party? No, Jane, I didn't think it was weird because it was Dean freakin' Cain.
- Ohh.
- The point is, I gotta be a man and stand up for myself on my own, with you guys behind me-- Brad, maybe you more towards the front, perhaps wearing some raiders gear? Well, us gals can't help 'cause we're too busy doing some last-minute details for the old wedding.
Yep.
I'm officially in the wedding red zone.
See, I put that in sports terms so you guys could understand.
We're in the eighth quarter, boys, about to put some sports points up on the scoreyard.
Oops.
I think I formbled the bawrrl.
(Whistles) Turnunder.
- Well, Brad, Max? - I don't know.
I sent myself an alarm clock to scare the Fed Ex guy, and that's showing up around 1:00.
But other than that, I think I'm free.
I'm all clear.
Was gonna volunteer teaching some inner city kids how to read, but then I was like (Blows raspberry) this is my Saturday.
Awesome.
Well, the girls got their stupid thing, and we got our awesome thing, so go us on three.
Ready? (All) One-- Jinx! (Inhales deeply) Then at 3:12, Penny enters, lookin' gorg, saunters down the aisle as we call once again on the obese Hawaiian ukulele trio for "Suddenly Seymour" (Whispers) from "Little Shop Of Horrors.
" Fat people and tiny instruments-- you think they're gonna eat 'em, but then they play 'em.
Yep.
Oh, God.
It's just like I dreamed.
Wait.
Who's gonna walk you down the aisle? You know what? I never even thought about that.
You had Jane plan you a backup wedding in an underground bunker just in case North Korea quote "grew a pair," but you never thought about who was gonna walk you down the aisle? (Gasps) Wait! You should have your dad do it.
- What? (Whispers) - Yes! Why? I can't even remember the last time I saw him.
Yeah, 'cause he's a deadbeat.
He left you and your mom to become an actor? Ucch.
Actors are the worst.
- Awful.
- The worst.
But, Jane, "deadbeat" is a little strong.
Roy and my mom were 17.
They were just two kids doing Shakespeare in the park and each other in the parking lot.
Besides, my mom and I were fine without him.
But this is a chance to reconnect with him.
No, Pen, I don't wanna see you get hurt.
Okay, he was never there for you.
Why would you let him be a part of your special day? Come on, Penny.
You have half your dad's DNA, and you're amazing.
He has all his DNA.
Think of how great he could be.
He's the great unknown.
He's the Moon.
We've been to the Moon.
Really, Jane? Have we? Or have we been to a soundstage in Burbank? Penny, you got to at least call him and tell him that you're getting married.
Yeah.
Maybe I will.
Yes! (Hisses) Ah! Brad, you're a businessman.
How do I beat the Brazilian? Well (Sighs) you need to follow the four basic business principles-- marketing, quality, research, and service.
It's a little something we in the corporate world like to call "maskqualisearcheting.
" (Imitating nails screeching on chalkboard) I have sat silent long enough.
It's been 20 seconds.
Dave, you don't need any of this business crap.
What you need is to play dirty.
(Sighs) You need a dirtbag, and luily enough for you, my middle name is Herbert (Snaps fingers) and I'm a dirtbag.
He's not lying.
He once ladybugged himself into a junior high girls soccer tournament, bet against the team, and then threw the game.
Best $45 I ever won, minus the $10 it cost me to find an ace bandage big enough to strap down my girls.
But what we need to do, David, is go down to his butcher, change the order from delicious churrasco beef that he usually gets to all the nasty bits.
I'm talkin' lips, veins, and grade Y crotch meat.
Are you telling me that you convinced an AYSO tournament director that you were as flat as a seventh grade girl? Guilty as charged.
Well, I tried playing fair, and it didn't work.
Max, you got the ball now.
- What?! - What?! Oh.
Oh, yeah! Yeah, I can handle it.
Good call.
(Exhales deeply) Guys, thank you so much for coming with me to meet my dad.
I am nervous.
Don't be! It's exciting! Well, he's off to a great start-- 20 minutes late.
Classic deadbeat dad move.
Right now he's probably in the engine room of a riverboat casino, just begging for his thumbs back.
Penny? Hi, Roy.
Oh.
Oh.
H-- oh.
- Uh - Hey.
Hello.
- Okay.
Hi.
- Hello.
Okay.
(Chuckles) Roy, this is Jane and Alex.
- Hi! - 'Sup, trick? Nice to meet you both.
Listen, Penny, I'm sorry I'm late.
I wanted to bring you flowers, but I didn't know what kind you liked, so I just took a stab and I went with peonies.
(Gasps) They're my favorite! (Jane clears throat) I mean they're a'ight.
So what? You're just gonna give these flowers to Penny, expect her to raise them by herself? (Laughs) Oh, come on, Jane.
Only a dad could guess his daughter's favorite flowers.
Quick-- what's Penny's favorite food? Bacon.
- Wait.
That's mine.
- Let me guess.
You're the friend that I'm gonna have to win over, you're the optimist that believes in second chances, and you're Penny, right? I'm kidding! (Laughs) (Laughs) I'm-- I'm nervous, and I joke when I'm nervous, so - So do I.
So do I.
- Yeah.
You know, a Mexican walks into a spaceship.
I'm sorry.
I get racist when I joke.
And I get hungry when I get racist.
(Chuckles) Okay.
Should we sit down and order? Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, you want us to cancel the rib eye and the top sirloin, and instead you want a tripe, ligament, and inner ear meat.
All right.
And there's so such thing as a prime colon chop, pal.
Ah, for shame.
Are you sure about this? Us at Rio de Ja-Tasty are going in a new direction.
All right, we'll send it out shortly.
Obrigado, my friend.
(Castanets clicking) Uhh! Sorry, shoulders.
It's okay, cool pants.
I'm Wilson.
Max.
We should hang out sometime.
Ooh! (Exhales deeply) World-class hang, bro.
So I'm in Studio 54.
It's 1981, '82, something like that, and Stephen Sondheim looks at me (Utensil clatters) and says, "you've got it.
" (Gasps) Stephen Joshua Sondheim.
"You've got it.
" Of course, then I realized he was talking about his umbrella.
'Cause we were by the front door, and I thought there was, like, a communal "give an umbrella, take an umbrella" thing.
But you know, that was, that was Broadway in the '80s.
- Wow! - Amazing! Certainly beats reading a bedtime story to your newborn daughter.
Okay, look, I've got no excuse, okay? I'm so sorry.
But I was young, and I was chasing a dream.
If it makes you feel better, the dream didn't work out either.
Yeah, that does make me feel better.
So what now, Roy? Hmm? You here for a handout? Oh, no.
No.
Uh, I started a company a few years ago-- Roy's Hard Mimosas.
We're doing pretty well.
Have you heard of 'em? Heard of it? It's the champagne of mimosas! Really? This is great! Congratulations! - Oh, thank you.
- Oh! Let me propose a toast.
(Cans fizz) Ah! Oh, Penny, I never thought that you'd ever want to talk to me again, so thank you.
So here's to second chances, and here's to Penny.
Here's to you.
Aw! Cheers! To Penny.
(Clink) (Motor rumbling) (Turns off engine) Hey, is this thing street-legal? Sure, but as far as the law is concerned, you're a bag of groceries.
So where is your dumb job anyway? I work right there.
You mean, those big buildings behind that steak truck that happens to be the rival steak truck to the steak truck that is owned by my best friend? Nope.
I work in that steak truck, which happens to belong to my dad.
Damn it, Chad! You got me in trouble again.
Chad's what I call my underpants monster.
I believe you two have met.
Dude, this new hockey game is awesome.
Yeah, it's so realistic, it won't even let me create a black player.
Well (Sighs) the Brazilian retaliated.
- Was it bad? - It was creative.
Well, that's a dink in the doink.
Dave, I told you not to play dirty.
You have to follow the four simple principles of business-- strategy, planning, tactics, and execution.
Or "straplanatajection.
" No, Brad, we're in the trenches now.
We gotta double down.
Max, what do you gots? Slash his tires? Key his truck? I'll do you one better.
What say you and I grab our three dearest possessions and hitchhike across the Southwest? 'Cause the truth is, I slept with Wilson.
Wilson? The volleyball from "Cast Away" that you stole from the Houston Planet Hollywood? No.
I slept with Wilson, the Brazilian's son.
What?! Max! The Brazilian is my archenemy.
Bros before bros, man! How was I supposed to know that he'd be the enemy in your weird meat feud? (Affected voice) Two star-crossed lovers, both alike in dignity, in fair Chicago where we lay our scene.
- What? - What? (Normal voice) Oh, my love of rational business plans is clashing with my love of clandestine love affairs.
It's like Romeo and Juliet.
Nay, Homeo and Dude-liet.
- Ooh, good one.
- They hath made the beast with two butts! Max, I can't believe you did that.
Whose team are you on, mine or the team that put my truck on its tushy? (Gasps, breathy voice) Oh, my God.
Love or friendship? (Laughs) This is gettin' too good.
Dave I'm on your team.
Good, 'cause I need your help.
Now tomorrow's the cubs' opening day.
I wanna decorate my truck with ivy and a mini scoreboard, just like at Wrigley Field.
But it will only work if I get my primo spot in front of the stadium.
And I know the Brazilian's gonna try to take it.
Dave, relaxi your taxi, 'cause I am gonna get you that spot if it's the last thing that I do before getting myself a pizza and eating it in bed as a celebratory feast for getting you that spot.
Team friendship! (All) Team friendship! (Giggles) (Alex and Jane gasp) - Oh! Suh kyut! - Oh! Suh kyut! Okay, you have to get this dress.
It's the one! I know but it is so expensive.
I mean, this will blow my entire budget.
(Singsongy) Hi! (Normal voice) Um, could you bring me a dress that's a little more affordable? Like, maybe one from last season or one somebody died in? Why? This is your dress.
Oh, I know it's totally my dress.
It looks like I was poured into it, but Ooh! No, you own this dress.
You are owning it! (Laughs) - She is owning it! (High-pitched voice) - Rockin' it 360! Listen, that man bought you this dress.
Ta-da! (Claps hands) Roy? What-- what are you Well, you and your friends were talking about coming here to try on dresses, so I called ahead, and they said you'd been looking at this one for weeks.
- You bought me this dress? - Uh-huh.
- I-I can't - I wanted to do something nice for you.
You know, since I wasn't there to teach you how to ride a bike or have the S-E-X talk.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I still don't know how this dad stuff works.
I mean, after all, I abandoned my only daughter.
(Chuckles) We know.
I'm still nervous.
It's okay.
Me, too.
And luckily, the garbageman taught me how to ride a bike.
And as for the S-E-X I learned how to spell at a very young age.
Anywho, I'm just-- I'm glad that you're here now.
Me, too.
(Piano jazz playing) God, I really love it.
Wow.
It looks perfect.
Roy, I know this sounds fast, but would you walk me down the aisle? (Gasps) Of course I would.
Oh! Oh, my God, I never dreamed you would ask me that.
Really? Even though you are wearing a tuxedo.
W-well, maybe I'm going to the theater.
Were you? No, I'm not.
Oh, gosh! (Laughs) Aw! (Gasps, singsongy) You aw'd! I'm winning you over! - No, no.
See, what that was, was "why I oughta" - Oh.
Okay, fine, I'm warming up to you, Roy.
(Both laugh) Okay, a little sugar in the gas tank.
No problem.
- Max? - Huh? Max, what are you doing here? Uh uh, just taking my nightly sugar walk with my funnel hat.
I can't lie to you.
I just-- I came here to sabotage the truck, but I can't do it.
I-I don't care what anybody says.
I wanna be together.
Screw it.
I'm gonna talk to my father and see if we can't end this beefy feud once and for all.
Awesome.
So whilst we wait for that convo to get on the books, maybe Chad and I could come up and hang out? Oof! These Roy's bad ass bellinis are the taters.
I know! I think I'm a little MC Schlammered.
(Both laugh) God, I love that dress! (Jane) Mmm! You guys, you don't think it was too much, too soon for Roy to buy it for me, do you? No.
I mean, I know you were trying to stay on a budget, but those other dresses were garbage.
I mean, one of them was made from 100% recycled corduroy.
That was very loud.
You're right.
You're right! (Knock on door) Oh.
(Singsongy) That's Roy.
- Oh! (Jane) - There he is! - Hi! - Hey, Roys "R" us! Ah! Hello, ladies.
(Door closes) Hey, I've got some great news.
I know the GM of the Drake Hotel.
He and I did summer stock in Ogunquit, Maine.
I called him and I reserved you their main ballroom for your wedding reception.
Aw! Roy, that's so sweet, but it's outside of our budget.
Well, no, money's no object.
I got it.
Penny, the Drake is the best place to get married in Chicago.
I mean, Oprah and Stedman have had it reserved for 17 years.
Okay, slow down.
Pete and I are very happy with the wedding that we have planned.
Speaking of Pete, I called him and I invited him on a fishing trip.
- Oh.
- Seems like a future father-in-law kind of thing to do, you know? Do you think it's too soon to ask him to call me "dad"? Yeah, Roy.
I do.
I don't even call you "dad" (Chuckles) because you're not, really.
Look, this is all just too much.
I don't need you to swoop in here now and buy me a wedding.
I can do that for myself.
I needed you before, like when I had to take mom to the father-daughter dance, or when that pregnant girl punched me in the face at prom.
And I know it only seems like I needed you during dances, but there were plenty of other times, too.
I don't know (Sighs) Roy.
Maybe this whole thing was a mistake.
Well I'm sorry that you feel that way.
(Sighs) Maybe I should just go back to New York.
Yeah, maybe you should.
Guys, this could be the bellinis talking, but let's go to a strip club.
We could check out the local talent.
Hey, guys.
Truck looks good.
Yeah, you know what else looks good? The truck that looks great.
(Samba music playing) The Brazilian stole Dave's idea.
I don't know.
I mean, people develop the same idea all the time - without two guys having sex with each other.
- What? Look, I saw Wilson last night, and I gave up the goods.
And I told him about your idea.
Max! You're unbelievable! (British accent) Young Max hath wronged his kinsman David, yet I celebrate his forbidden love.
Enough with this craziness.
You know the one thing we haven't tried yet? - Bees.
Smart.
- No, Max, talking.
All right? I'm an adult.
I'm gonna make the guy a sandwich and go talk to him.
Dave, I'm sorry! (Sighs) I-I thought I could trust him! - God, I-I really wanna help out - I know.
but I also really wanna Samba.
(Whispers) I know.
I get it.
Hello, the Brazilian.
Hello, the American.
I made you this sandwich as a peace offering.
We gotta end this madness.
We must figure out a way to share Wrigleyville.
You're right.
Come back after closing.
We'll talk it out over a cafe con leche.
Okay.
(Imitates Brazilian accent) Cafe con leche.
- Sim.
- Okay.
Nailed it, David.
Really? Ooh! (All shouting indistinctly) Aah! Aah! Yes! Oh! - Yeah! - Aah! (Shouts indistinctly) Aah! Wah! (Screeches) Get a shirt! Aah! (Slow motion voice) Oh! Aah! No! (Penny shrieks) Roy? (Gasps) Are you okay? Oh! (Chuckles) Oh, of course I am.
Yeah.
No, it-- it was just a tomato.
It-- no pain at all.
(Exhales) (Max shouts indistinctly) Brazilian! (Both screaming) It's you! You betrayed me! You stole Dave's idea! I'm sorry! My father invoked "dads before lads"! I couldn't argue with that.
For what it's worth, I really liked you.
I really liked you, too.
Yeah? (Tomato thuds) (Bernstein's "Romeo and Juliet Overture-Fantasy" playing) (Loud clatter) (Pepper thuds) It is clear my son loves your son.
Yeah.
Wait.
What? We must find a way to work in peace, Dan.
It's Dave.
I work pretty hard not to look like a "Dan.
" Respect.
(Affected voice) Behold 'twas love betwixt two men that quelled the dogs of war.
All right, Brad.
We all went to high school.
(Both laugh) This is Oh, wait.
Hold on.
What is You got a little cauliflower ear.
(Laughs) (Laughs) So you were actually kind of there for me when I needed you.
That was nice.
Yeah.
Um, listen, Penny, there aren't enough "I'm sorrys" in the world to make up for what I did to you.
I was young and selfish and-- and so stupid.
And then I thought I found a way I could fix things, and I guess I just went too fast, is all.
Oh, trust me, I get too fast too soon.
The first day of college, I gained 15 pounds.
(Chuckles) Well, anyway, I was on my way to the airport, and I wanted to give you something.
So I called Jane, and she told me where you were, and I-I wanted to give you this.
It's the bracelet they put on you at the hospital the day you were born.
I thought you might want it for the wedding.
You know, it could be your "something old.
" Well (Chuckles) it's the same age as me, so calm down.
But (Chuckles) this is really sweet.
Thank you.
Well, I'm off.
Uh, you ever wanna talk, you just give Old Roy a call.
I will.
Or we could talk at the wedding.
I mean, I-I don't think I'm ready to have you walk me down the aisle, but but I definitely want you to be there dad.
Oh, wow.
"Dad.
" (Chuckles) That's pretty heavy.
Maybe it'd be better if we didn't talk for another 30 years.
I'm kidding.
(Laughs) I'm kidding 'cause I'm nervous.
But I'm so happy.
Me, too.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Hey, you know, I never really asked you, and mom never really mentioned it, but why didn't you guys work out? Oh.
I'm super gay.
And that explains almost everything about me.
(Exhales) You know, you're the first person I've told.
- What? - No, I'm kidding! You're the last person to know! Everybody knows it! (Laughing) - I mean, come on.
- Whoo! I mean, hello! I'm the guy selling mimosas! (Continues laughing) I know! I know! I know! I know! (Laughs)