I Love Lucy (1951) s03e17 Episode Script
Oil Wells
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Lucy? Oh, good morning, dear.
Good morning.
Lucy, what are you doing? Lucy? Pardon me, dear.
(whistles) A refrigerator, a deep freeze and a chrome dinette set.
Hi, Rick.
Hi, Fred.
Where're you going? I want to find out what's going on with her.
She keeps running out into the back porch, and then she comes in here and talks to somebody on the phone.
Well, I'll tell you what's going on.
What? Some new tenants are moving in.
Oh, who's she talking to on the phone? Ethel.
There's two moving vans down there, one in front and one in back.
She's hanging out the living room window with our phone in her hand.
Ethel's the advance scout and Lucy's covering the rear.
Oh, those two characters.
Yeah.
Nothing gets by the snoopers' patrol.
Could I have a bite of breakfast with you? Ethel's too busy to make mine.
Sure.
Sit down, Fred.
Help yourself.
Thank you.
(chuckling) (whistles) An automatic washer and an automatic dryer.
A fox stole and a full-length mink coat? How do you know it's mink? Has a Saks label in it, huh? Ethel must be using my binoculars.
Uh-huh.
A green couch and a modern desk.
Got it.
Over and out.
Lucy.
What? Don't you think you're being a little nosy? Can I help it if the moving men happen to be bringing something in while I just happen to be on the back porch? Besides, a little friendly inventory never hurt anyone.
Now, what are you gonna do? Don't fight it.
Nosiness is just part of a woman's charm like hanging stockings in the bathroom and nagging.
ETHEL: Lucy! There's the other one.
ETHEL: LUCY: Lucy! Yeah? That does it.
They're all moved in in front.
Yeah, they're finished out here, too.
Oh! If I could just have seen that mink coat.
It was just gorgeous.
Was it? What do you suppose was in all those big boxes? I don't know.
Isn't it sneaky of them bringing things in in closed boxes, so we can't see what's in them? I'll say it is.
Honest to goodness Lucy? What? How do you feel? Fine.
Are you all right, Ethel? Sure.
Why? Fred, I'd like to report to you that contrary to what you've always been told, curiosity does not kill a cat.
Oh, you think you're so smart.
What else do you know about them, Ethel? All I know is that their name is Johnson.
I didn't get a chance to ask her anything else.
Well, let's go up and give her the third degree.
I mean, pay her a visit.
You know, if I didn't live here already, I sure wouldn't move in.
(doorbell buzzes) I wonder who that is.
Pardon me, could you tell me where I can find Mrs.
Mertz? She isn't in her apartment.
Yeah, she's here.
Won't you come in? Oh, thank you very much.
I'm Mrs.
Johnson, the new tenant.
Oh, Mrs.
Johnson! Oh, come over and sit down, dear.
Why, thank you.
I hate to bother you all, but I just wondered if Mrs.
Mertz had an extra set of keys for our apartment.
Yeah, yeah, I'll get her, I'll get her.
Ethel, she's here.
Who? I got her right in there, Mrs.
Johnson.
Yeah, come on.
Mrs.
Johnson? What? Lucy! What are you gonna do, grill her? Like a cheese sandwich.
Come on, Rick, we'd better watch this.
Oh, hello, Mrs.
Johnson.
I'm glad to see you.
I'd like for you to meet Mr.
Ricardo.
And this is my husband, Mr.
Mertz.
How do you do? Charmed, I'm sure.
Mrs.
Mertz, honey, could you let me in my apartment? I'm such a cotton-headed ninny, I locked myself out.
Why certainly, dear.
Fred, go get the other key to Mrs.
Johnson's apartment.
I've got a key right here in my pocket.
The one that's in our apartment.
All right.
And don't hurry.
This will give us a chance to get acquainted with Mrs.
Johnson.
Yes, Mrs.
Johnson, if you're going to live here, we should know all about you.
Now, we'll tell you all about us, and you tell us all about you.
I'll go first.
What does your husband do? Why, he's in oil.
Hair, suntan, cod liver or castor? Oh, heavens.
We don't mess with any of them in Texas.
He's got oil wells.
Oil wells? Oil wells? Well, just a couple of those little bitty ones.
Well, uh, those little bitty ones, they do pump oil? Well, not as much as you're pumping her, dear.
Mrs.
Johnson, I-I-I must apologize for my wife.
Apologize? Oh Why, we in Texas, just call that being neighborly.
Oh, yeah.
MAN: Nancy? Nancy? Where are you? Oh, I'm in here, Sam.
Oh, there you are, my! Pardon me, folks, I- I don't mean to-to barge in.
That's all right.
Sam, I want you to meet the nicest people.
This is Mrs.
Mertz.
How do you do? How do you do, Mr.
Johnson? And this is Mrs.
Ricardo.
How do you do, How are you, Mr.
Johnson? ma'am? And Mr.
Ricardo.
How are you, sir? How do you do? And this is Mr.
Mertz.
It's my pleasure, sir.
How are you, sir? Mr.
Johnson, your wife tells us that you dabble in oil wells.
(guffaws) Now, Nancy, honey, I told you not to go around telling people that.
It's not that I'm ashamed of it, but it's just that everybody's always pestering me to-to buy into my new well.
Well, I can certainly understand that, Mr.
Johnson.
Yeah, I guess everybody likes to get in on a sure thing like that.
Oh, uh-huh.
But I don't like to-to build up all those nice people's hope and then have to disappoint them.
You see, I only have a few shares left.
Oh? I wouldn't be selling any shares only, well, doggone it, I like people.
And as long as we had to go extra deep for this gusher, I says to myself, "Sam, why don't you give somebody else a chance to be rich, too?" Well, come on, Nancy, honey.
We've got to start unpacking.
Here's your key, Mrs.
Johnson.
Oh, thank you.
You're very nice people.
Nice meeting you.
Good-bye.
Bye, sir.
Good-bye.
He's got shares to sell.
(Lucy and Ethel chattering) Wait a minute, everybody! Now, just hold it a minute, everybody.
Let's not get excited over nothing.
Nothing? Mr.
Johnson has shares to sell in his oil well.
So? So get your checkbook! Are you crazy or something? Do you think that I'm gonna buy oil stock from a perfectly stranger? Oh, now listen, he looks honest.
I can tell.
He has a kind face and nice eyes.
He's got a kind face and nice eyes.
Yeah.
Well, he has.
Look, if he's a millionaire, what is he doing living in this dump? Dump?! Dump?! Yeah, to a millionaire, this is a dump.
I accept that.
What's he doing living here? He already told us why he's living here.
If he lived in a fancy hotel, people would pester him.
Nobody'd think of looking for him here.
Look, honey, I don't care what you say.
I don't want any part of any oil stock.
Oh! Tough luck, Lucy.
Fred, this is our one big chance.
What are you going to do about it? Are you going to be a dumb bunny, too? Uh, what's up, Doc? Oh Oh Let's face it, Ethel.
This is our one chance to move on easy street and we're married to a couple of roadblocks.
Now Ricky, Now listen, Fred! listen! (clamoring) Where have you been? Oh, eh, out getting a paper.
Oh.
Ricky? Yeah? About that oil well Oh, no.
I thought we dropped the subject.
Well, I'm picking it up again.
Listen, I've been thinking maybe that oil stock wouldn't cost us as much as we think.
Now, look, you could take our savings, then I'll pay you back out of the money that I save out of my household account.
Lucy, with the money you save out of your household account, we couldn't buy enough oil for a salad.
Oh Are you gonna sit there and let this opportunity slip by? Do you think I like being poor? Do you think I like living in this little apartment doing my own housework? Washing and ironing and cleaning and sweeping and cooking.
(crooning): La de da da I wouldn't mind if you couldn't help it, but when I think how you're throwing away the one chance in our lives to become millionaires (crooning): La de.
.
Well, I don't care.
I think this is a good opportunity.
Now, look, the subject is closed.
I don't want to hear another word.
The man doesn't have any more stock to sell and that's the end of it.
Why I can't make you see that just maybe How do you know he doesn't have any more stock to sell? Oh, yeah, well, uh I- I didn't think it would hurt anything to find out a little more about the stock, you know.
So, uh, this morning I-I went upstairs and I talked to him and he said that he doesn't have any more left.
That means he must have sold those shares to someone between last night and this morning.
Now, who in the world could it have been? Fred! Howdy, partner.
Could you all, uh, spare a dish of coffee for an oil tycoon? Well, a fine friend you are! Now, what's the matter? We wanted to buy that stock.
Well, you didn't sound like it last night.
You didn't either.
Did you tell them, Fred? Well, Ethel, I hope you're happy now that you jumped our claim.
What are you talking about? We wanted to buy that stock, as if you didn't know.
How could we know? Then why did you rush in and change your minds just before we did? What a sneaky thing to do.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Well, Ricky, when money comes into it, you certainly find out who your friends are.
I wouldn't be surprised if they refused to split with us now.
Split? Split? You had just as much chance to buy it as we did.
Yes, Lucy, Fred is right.
We had just as much chance to buy it as they did.
We just have to face it, honey, the Mertzes will be rich, and we'll still be poor.
Oh, now, don't go putting on a poor mouth.
Well, maybe someday they'll invite us to their penthouse.
'Course I don't mind so much for myself.
I was just thinking about poor little Ricky.
That money could have gone for his college education.
Well, that's certainly hitting a rich godmother below my money belt.
Poor little Ricky.
Yeah.
My son.
Yeah.
Oh, all right, all right.
We'll split it with you.
That's wonderful! Fred, you're a pal! That's the least I could do, I guess.
Now, we've got ten shares, and we'll give you one.
That really is the least you can do.
All right, two.
Okay, three.
We have three.
Do I hear four? Four.
We have four.
Do I hear five? Five.
Oh, now, just a minute.
Oh, come on, Fred.
Yeah, Fred.
What's five shares to a big oil typhoon like you? That's tycoon.
All right, then, you can have five.
Do I hear six? Lucy Oh, I'm just kidding.
That's really very generous of you, Fred.
I wish there were some way that we could repay you.
Well, there is.
You can pay me for the five shares.
Oh.
Write him out a check, Ricky.
How much is it, Fred? $600.
$600? Oh, what's the difference, honey? In a week or so, we'll all be millionaires.
Sure.
All right, partner! We'll all be rich.
In a week or so! (all talking at once) Good mornin', Lucy-Lu.
Hi, Ethel, honey.
Are those new furs? No.
They're yesterday's.
Oh.
(guffaws) How much did they cost? Does Rockefeller tell DuPont? (chuckles) I got them on approval just like you did that mink coat.
Yeah.
How do you like my hat? Oh, I like it.
It's dreamy.
I got a new hat, too.
Let me see it.
Aw Oh, that is really wonderful.
My, let me see the top of That's great.
Howdy, folks.
Howdy.
LUCY: Hi, Fred.
How do you like those furs? Pretty classy, huh? Oh, yeah.
They're wonderful.
You know, I think I'm gonna like being a millionaire.
Millionaire, millionaire.
You know, I've said it so often that it doesn't mean much anymore.
You know something? What? We might even get to be billionaires.
Yeah, or even trillionaires.
Or even zillionaires.
Yeah, or even What comes after zillionaires? The income tax department.
Oh, Fred.
RICKY: Lucy! Yeah, we're in here, Tex.
Tex? I mean Cube.
FRED: You drill any more wells today, partner? Hiya, partner.
Good mornin', Ricky.
(laughs) Don't you think you're going a little too far? Well, now, how do you expect us to dress if we're going to be Texas oillionaires? Well, I don't know, but my father always told me, "Never cross your chickens before your bridges is hatched.
" What was that? What was that again? You know what it means.
It means, tha-that don't go spending your money before you get it.
"Don't go spending your money before you get it.
" (phone ringing) (mocking tone): "Don't go spending your money before you get it.
" Hello.
Oh.
Oh, yes, I see.
Oh, yes, I'll tell Mr.
Ricardo.
Yes.
Well? That man wanted me to tell you that your custom-built, periwinkle-blue Cadillac would cost $12,000.
And, yes, they could fix the horn to play "Babaloo.
" Oh, look who isn't spending his money.
Well, I was just digging up a little bit of information, that's all.
You don't see me spending my money before I know, I know.
" before your bridges is hatched.
" (doorbell buzzes) $12,000! Periwinkle blue.
How do you like that? Somebody's at the door.
Good afternoon.
Oh, hello.
Say, do you know where I can find the mana? Hi, Fred.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Ken.
Say, have you got a fella living in the building by the name of Johnson? Yeah, he's upstairs in 4-B.
I rang there.
I guess they must not be home.
Well, is there anything I can do for you? No, no.
I just want to talk with him about some oil stock.
Oh? Yeah.
I'll catch him later.
So long, folks.
So long.
So long.
ETHEL: Hey, he looks familiar.
LUCY: Yeah, who is he? Yeah.
He's a detective.
We must be in on a pretty good deal.
If he's going to buy some of the stock, it must be okay.
Suppose he doesn't want to see Mr.
Johnson about buying the stock? Well, what other reason would he want to see We have been swindled! Sure! I knew the minute I laid eyes on that man that he was a crook.
You said he had a kind face! Yeah, I didn't say what kind.
Well, there goes all our hard-earned money.
How do you like that? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
There must be some way out of this.
After all, he promised us a big gusher would come in any day.
Yeah.
Well, we don't have any proof that he said that.
We have to have evidence.
Evidence? Evidence? That's what we got to get- evidence.
Oh, that's gonna to be a little hard to find.
(all muttering) We got to get some.
What do I know about oil? I got to get mixed up with this character here.
We got to prove what he said right Watch out where you're going! Well, don't get mad at me.
I'm in this just as much as you are.
You are in this exactly as much as we are.
No wonder you wanted to unload all those shares on us.
Unload?! Unload?! Well, maybe unload is not the right word.
But, after all, Fred, we all know how you are with your money.
And it was pretty obvious the way you begged us to take the stock off your hands.
We begged you?! See, he admits it.
Come on, Fred.
Let's get out of here.
That's the thanks we get.
Yeah.
If you're the kind of people we would have had to associate with if we were millionaires, I'm glad we were wiped out! Ethel.
I'm not speaking to you.
I know, I'm not speaking to you either, but this is an emergency.
Can we have a five-minute truce? I know how we can get our money back.
How? How? See this tape recorder? Yeah.
Ricky said we needed evidence.
Now, I am going to get Mr.
Johnson to repeat everything that he promised us about the oil wells.
Oh, he won't say a word if he sees that recorder.
Naturally.
You are going to hide out in the hall and run the recorder.
Now, look.
See this microphone? I have it hidden right here.
Yeah.
Look at that.
Uh-huh.
I have the wire run down inside my slacks, see? Gee.
Listen, Ethel, Oh.
if this works, we won't have any reason to be mad at each other anymore.
(chuckles) Shall we do it right now? Yeah.
Come on.
I have to carry this up in the hall There.
It's all plugged in.
Now I have to put this in here.
Now, when I get inside, you press this button and turn this to this side.
Okay.
Okay.
And then let the cord out as I move around the apartment.
Now, when I get all the evidence I need, and I'm ready to leave, I'll jerk on the cord twice like this.
Yeah.
See? And then you reel me in fast because I'll be ready to come out.
Okay.
Okay.
Now, listen.
Keep the cord very taut so that you'll know when I'm ready.
Keep it taut.
Okay, all right.
Don't give me any slack.
No, I won't.
(doorbell buzzes) (buzzing) Hello.
Oh, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Won't you come in? Thank you.
Sam, we've got company.
You have to excuse the way I look.
I was just doing some more of our unpacking.
Well, that's all right.
Well, well, howdy, little lady! Hello, Mr.
Johnson.
I hope you don't mind my dropping in like this, but I wanted to talk to you.
Glad to have you any time at all.
Excuse me.
I'll continue my unpacking.
Certainly.
Mr.
Johnson, it's just that I'm terribly worried about the oil stock we bought from you.
SAM: Well, honey child, don't let it bother your pretty little redhead.
No, sir, that oil stock is just as safe as U.
S.
government bonds.
And in no time at all, you Uh would you repeat that, please? Huh? I said, would you repeat that, please, just to reassure me? Well, I said those oil stocks was as safe as U.
S.
government bonds.
Uh-huh.
And in no time at all, you'll be rolling in money.
Oh, that's right.
As soon as that well comes in, You won't be able to count the money, it'll come in so fast.
Have you any idea how much money we'll be making? Oh, you ought to get back your investment, oh, I would say, a hundred times over.
Why, the fact of the matter is, Mrs.
Ricardo, I wouldn't worry none.
After all, I wouldn't let you invest in a well that wasn't gonna come in.
Uh, Mrs.
Ricardo are you all right? Oh, yes, yes, I'm all right.
I'm just a little nervous, I guess, about all the money I've invested.
Well, now, honey child, you don't need to worry none.
No? Mercy no.
You can trust Sam.
Well, I've been in this game a long time, Mrs.
Ricardo, and I've seen a lot of wells in my day, but I look for this well to be a real lollapalooza.
Why, do you know, Mrs.
Ricardo? Unless I miss my guess How's that? I said unless I miss my guess, this little baby is gonna gush like no gusher ever gushed before.
Uh, uh, whoa! What's going on here? Well, what's that cord? Oh, Ethel, all right, Ethel! Ethel, stop! Ethel! I'll tell you what's going on.
We have all the evidence we need on a tape recorder out in the hall.
Evidence? Yes, evidence.
Evidence that you two are trying to swindle us.
Swindle?! Now, wait a minute.
Our money, or we are going to the police.
Now, you're making a big mistake.
Our money, please.
Why, that well's liable to come in anytime.
Are you gonna give us our money or will we take this recording to the police? Now, just a minute, ma'am.
Down Texas way, a deal is a deal.
Our money, please.
Sam, if that's the way she feels, give her back her nasty little old money.
All right, honey pot.
Thank you very much.
All right, Ethel, reel me in! Uh Ethel, slack up a bit.
Well, here's to the smartest, cleverest, little wife in the whole world.
Hear! Hear! It really wasn't anything.
Oh, let him tell all about it again.
I like to hear it.
Well, so do I.
Well, I tell you, honey, that was the greatest idea you ever had.
Oh, thank you.
We're all out of this mess, and we owe it all to you.
Well Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Shh What's the matter? (doorbell buzzes) Fred, that sounds like our buzzer.
Go see if somebody's at our door.
All right.
I didn't know you could hear our buzzer in here.
Sure.
How do we know when you have company? (laughing) FRED: Oh, Ken.
Oh, there you are.
We're over here.
Oh, say, I wonder if I could use your phone a moment.
Use ours.
Oh, thanks, thanks.
This one can't wait.
I I just made the greatest greatest buy in my life from that from that Johnson fella.
You bought something from Mr.
Johnson? Yeah, yeah.
Oil stock.
Honey, honey, I got it.
Yeah, for a while there, I thought it was going to be too late.
Yeah, but-but Mr.
Johnson said that some dopes returned the block of stock to him, and he sold it to me five minutes before we got a wire saying they struck oil.
KEN: Yeah, you can get that mink coat now.
Ha, ha, ha! Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
And open up that champagne.
I'll be right home.
Good-bye.
Thanks a lot, folks.
La de la da da da de de ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.
wgbh.
org ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.
ANNOUNCER 2: This is the CBS Television Network.
Good morning.
Lucy, what are you doing? Lucy? Pardon me, dear.
(whistles) A refrigerator, a deep freeze and a chrome dinette set.
Hi, Rick.
Hi, Fred.
Where're you going? I want to find out what's going on with her.
She keeps running out into the back porch, and then she comes in here and talks to somebody on the phone.
Well, I'll tell you what's going on.
What? Some new tenants are moving in.
Oh, who's she talking to on the phone? Ethel.
There's two moving vans down there, one in front and one in back.
She's hanging out the living room window with our phone in her hand.
Ethel's the advance scout and Lucy's covering the rear.
Oh, those two characters.
Yeah.
Nothing gets by the snoopers' patrol.
Could I have a bite of breakfast with you? Ethel's too busy to make mine.
Sure.
Sit down, Fred.
Help yourself.
Thank you.
(chuckling) (whistles) An automatic washer and an automatic dryer.
A fox stole and a full-length mink coat? How do you know it's mink? Has a Saks label in it, huh? Ethel must be using my binoculars.
Uh-huh.
A green couch and a modern desk.
Got it.
Over and out.
Lucy.
What? Don't you think you're being a little nosy? Can I help it if the moving men happen to be bringing something in while I just happen to be on the back porch? Besides, a little friendly inventory never hurt anyone.
Now, what are you gonna do? Don't fight it.
Nosiness is just part of a woman's charm like hanging stockings in the bathroom and nagging.
ETHEL: Lucy! There's the other one.
ETHEL: LUCY: Lucy! Yeah? That does it.
They're all moved in in front.
Yeah, they're finished out here, too.
Oh! If I could just have seen that mink coat.
It was just gorgeous.
Was it? What do you suppose was in all those big boxes? I don't know.
Isn't it sneaky of them bringing things in in closed boxes, so we can't see what's in them? I'll say it is.
Honest to goodness Lucy? What? How do you feel? Fine.
Are you all right, Ethel? Sure.
Why? Fred, I'd like to report to you that contrary to what you've always been told, curiosity does not kill a cat.
Oh, you think you're so smart.
What else do you know about them, Ethel? All I know is that their name is Johnson.
I didn't get a chance to ask her anything else.
Well, let's go up and give her the third degree.
I mean, pay her a visit.
You know, if I didn't live here already, I sure wouldn't move in.
(doorbell buzzes) I wonder who that is.
Pardon me, could you tell me where I can find Mrs.
Mertz? She isn't in her apartment.
Yeah, she's here.
Won't you come in? Oh, thank you very much.
I'm Mrs.
Johnson, the new tenant.
Oh, Mrs.
Johnson! Oh, come over and sit down, dear.
Why, thank you.
I hate to bother you all, but I just wondered if Mrs.
Mertz had an extra set of keys for our apartment.
Yeah, yeah, I'll get her, I'll get her.
Ethel, she's here.
Who? I got her right in there, Mrs.
Johnson.
Yeah, come on.
Mrs.
Johnson? What? Lucy! What are you gonna do, grill her? Like a cheese sandwich.
Come on, Rick, we'd better watch this.
Oh, hello, Mrs.
Johnson.
I'm glad to see you.
I'd like for you to meet Mr.
Ricardo.
And this is my husband, Mr.
Mertz.
How do you do? Charmed, I'm sure.
Mrs.
Mertz, honey, could you let me in my apartment? I'm such a cotton-headed ninny, I locked myself out.
Why certainly, dear.
Fred, go get the other key to Mrs.
Johnson's apartment.
I've got a key right here in my pocket.
The one that's in our apartment.
All right.
And don't hurry.
This will give us a chance to get acquainted with Mrs.
Johnson.
Yes, Mrs.
Johnson, if you're going to live here, we should know all about you.
Now, we'll tell you all about us, and you tell us all about you.
I'll go first.
What does your husband do? Why, he's in oil.
Hair, suntan, cod liver or castor? Oh, heavens.
We don't mess with any of them in Texas.
He's got oil wells.
Oil wells? Oil wells? Well, just a couple of those little bitty ones.
Well, uh, those little bitty ones, they do pump oil? Well, not as much as you're pumping her, dear.
Mrs.
Johnson, I-I-I must apologize for my wife.
Apologize? Oh Why, we in Texas, just call that being neighborly.
Oh, yeah.
MAN: Nancy? Nancy? Where are you? Oh, I'm in here, Sam.
Oh, there you are, my! Pardon me, folks, I- I don't mean to-to barge in.
That's all right.
Sam, I want you to meet the nicest people.
This is Mrs.
Mertz.
How do you do? How do you do, Mr.
Johnson? And this is Mrs.
Ricardo.
How do you do, How are you, Mr.
Johnson? ma'am? And Mr.
Ricardo.
How are you, sir? How do you do? And this is Mr.
Mertz.
It's my pleasure, sir.
How are you, sir? Mr.
Johnson, your wife tells us that you dabble in oil wells.
(guffaws) Now, Nancy, honey, I told you not to go around telling people that.
It's not that I'm ashamed of it, but it's just that everybody's always pestering me to-to buy into my new well.
Well, I can certainly understand that, Mr.
Johnson.
Yeah, I guess everybody likes to get in on a sure thing like that.
Oh, uh-huh.
But I don't like to-to build up all those nice people's hope and then have to disappoint them.
You see, I only have a few shares left.
Oh? I wouldn't be selling any shares only, well, doggone it, I like people.
And as long as we had to go extra deep for this gusher, I says to myself, "Sam, why don't you give somebody else a chance to be rich, too?" Well, come on, Nancy, honey.
We've got to start unpacking.
Here's your key, Mrs.
Johnson.
Oh, thank you.
You're very nice people.
Nice meeting you.
Good-bye.
Bye, sir.
Good-bye.
He's got shares to sell.
(Lucy and Ethel chattering) Wait a minute, everybody! Now, just hold it a minute, everybody.
Let's not get excited over nothing.
Nothing? Mr.
Johnson has shares to sell in his oil well.
So? So get your checkbook! Are you crazy or something? Do you think that I'm gonna buy oil stock from a perfectly stranger? Oh, now listen, he looks honest.
I can tell.
He has a kind face and nice eyes.
He's got a kind face and nice eyes.
Yeah.
Well, he has.
Look, if he's a millionaire, what is he doing living in this dump? Dump?! Dump?! Yeah, to a millionaire, this is a dump.
I accept that.
What's he doing living here? He already told us why he's living here.
If he lived in a fancy hotel, people would pester him.
Nobody'd think of looking for him here.
Look, honey, I don't care what you say.
I don't want any part of any oil stock.
Oh! Tough luck, Lucy.
Fred, this is our one big chance.
What are you going to do about it? Are you going to be a dumb bunny, too? Uh, what's up, Doc? Oh Oh Let's face it, Ethel.
This is our one chance to move on easy street and we're married to a couple of roadblocks.
Now Ricky, Now listen, Fred! listen! (clamoring) Where have you been? Oh, eh, out getting a paper.
Oh.
Ricky? Yeah? About that oil well Oh, no.
I thought we dropped the subject.
Well, I'm picking it up again.
Listen, I've been thinking maybe that oil stock wouldn't cost us as much as we think.
Now, look, you could take our savings, then I'll pay you back out of the money that I save out of my household account.
Lucy, with the money you save out of your household account, we couldn't buy enough oil for a salad.
Oh Are you gonna sit there and let this opportunity slip by? Do you think I like being poor? Do you think I like living in this little apartment doing my own housework? Washing and ironing and cleaning and sweeping and cooking.
(crooning): La de da da I wouldn't mind if you couldn't help it, but when I think how you're throwing away the one chance in our lives to become millionaires (crooning): La de.
.
Well, I don't care.
I think this is a good opportunity.
Now, look, the subject is closed.
I don't want to hear another word.
The man doesn't have any more stock to sell and that's the end of it.
Why I can't make you see that just maybe How do you know he doesn't have any more stock to sell? Oh, yeah, well, uh I- I didn't think it would hurt anything to find out a little more about the stock, you know.
So, uh, this morning I-I went upstairs and I talked to him and he said that he doesn't have any more left.
That means he must have sold those shares to someone between last night and this morning.
Now, who in the world could it have been? Fred! Howdy, partner.
Could you all, uh, spare a dish of coffee for an oil tycoon? Well, a fine friend you are! Now, what's the matter? We wanted to buy that stock.
Well, you didn't sound like it last night.
You didn't either.
Did you tell them, Fred? Well, Ethel, I hope you're happy now that you jumped our claim.
What are you talking about? We wanted to buy that stock, as if you didn't know.
How could we know? Then why did you rush in and change your minds just before we did? What a sneaky thing to do.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Well, Ricky, when money comes into it, you certainly find out who your friends are.
I wouldn't be surprised if they refused to split with us now.
Split? Split? You had just as much chance to buy it as we did.
Yes, Lucy, Fred is right.
We had just as much chance to buy it as they did.
We just have to face it, honey, the Mertzes will be rich, and we'll still be poor.
Oh, now, don't go putting on a poor mouth.
Well, maybe someday they'll invite us to their penthouse.
'Course I don't mind so much for myself.
I was just thinking about poor little Ricky.
That money could have gone for his college education.
Well, that's certainly hitting a rich godmother below my money belt.
Poor little Ricky.
Yeah.
My son.
Yeah.
Oh, all right, all right.
We'll split it with you.
That's wonderful! Fred, you're a pal! That's the least I could do, I guess.
Now, we've got ten shares, and we'll give you one.
That really is the least you can do.
All right, two.
Okay, three.
We have three.
Do I hear four? Four.
We have four.
Do I hear five? Five.
Oh, now, just a minute.
Oh, come on, Fred.
Yeah, Fred.
What's five shares to a big oil typhoon like you? That's tycoon.
All right, then, you can have five.
Do I hear six? Lucy Oh, I'm just kidding.
That's really very generous of you, Fred.
I wish there were some way that we could repay you.
Well, there is.
You can pay me for the five shares.
Oh.
Write him out a check, Ricky.
How much is it, Fred? $600.
$600? Oh, what's the difference, honey? In a week or so, we'll all be millionaires.
Sure.
All right, partner! We'll all be rich.
In a week or so! (all talking at once) Good mornin', Lucy-Lu.
Hi, Ethel, honey.
Are those new furs? No.
They're yesterday's.
Oh.
(guffaws) How much did they cost? Does Rockefeller tell DuPont? (chuckles) I got them on approval just like you did that mink coat.
Yeah.
How do you like my hat? Oh, I like it.
It's dreamy.
I got a new hat, too.
Let me see it.
Aw Oh, that is really wonderful.
My, let me see the top of That's great.
Howdy, folks.
Howdy.
LUCY: Hi, Fred.
How do you like those furs? Pretty classy, huh? Oh, yeah.
They're wonderful.
You know, I think I'm gonna like being a millionaire.
Millionaire, millionaire.
You know, I've said it so often that it doesn't mean much anymore.
You know something? What? We might even get to be billionaires.
Yeah, or even trillionaires.
Or even zillionaires.
Yeah, or even What comes after zillionaires? The income tax department.
Oh, Fred.
RICKY: Lucy! Yeah, we're in here, Tex.
Tex? I mean Cube.
FRED: You drill any more wells today, partner? Hiya, partner.
Good mornin', Ricky.
(laughs) Don't you think you're going a little too far? Well, now, how do you expect us to dress if we're going to be Texas oillionaires? Well, I don't know, but my father always told me, "Never cross your chickens before your bridges is hatched.
" What was that? What was that again? You know what it means.
It means, tha-that don't go spending your money before you get it.
"Don't go spending your money before you get it.
" (phone ringing) (mocking tone): "Don't go spending your money before you get it.
" Hello.
Oh.
Oh, yes, I see.
Oh, yes, I'll tell Mr.
Ricardo.
Yes.
Well? That man wanted me to tell you that your custom-built, periwinkle-blue Cadillac would cost $12,000.
And, yes, they could fix the horn to play "Babaloo.
" Oh, look who isn't spending his money.
Well, I was just digging up a little bit of information, that's all.
You don't see me spending my money before I know, I know.
" before your bridges is hatched.
" (doorbell buzzes) $12,000! Periwinkle blue.
How do you like that? Somebody's at the door.
Good afternoon.
Oh, hello.
Say, do you know where I can find the mana? Hi, Fred.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Ken.
Say, have you got a fella living in the building by the name of Johnson? Yeah, he's upstairs in 4-B.
I rang there.
I guess they must not be home.
Well, is there anything I can do for you? No, no.
I just want to talk with him about some oil stock.
Oh? Yeah.
I'll catch him later.
So long, folks.
So long.
So long.
ETHEL: Hey, he looks familiar.
LUCY: Yeah, who is he? Yeah.
He's a detective.
We must be in on a pretty good deal.
If he's going to buy some of the stock, it must be okay.
Suppose he doesn't want to see Mr.
Johnson about buying the stock? Well, what other reason would he want to see We have been swindled! Sure! I knew the minute I laid eyes on that man that he was a crook.
You said he had a kind face! Yeah, I didn't say what kind.
Well, there goes all our hard-earned money.
How do you like that? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
There must be some way out of this.
After all, he promised us a big gusher would come in any day.
Yeah.
Well, we don't have any proof that he said that.
We have to have evidence.
Evidence? Evidence? That's what we got to get- evidence.
Oh, that's gonna to be a little hard to find.
(all muttering) We got to get some.
What do I know about oil? I got to get mixed up with this character here.
We got to prove what he said right Watch out where you're going! Well, don't get mad at me.
I'm in this just as much as you are.
You are in this exactly as much as we are.
No wonder you wanted to unload all those shares on us.
Unload?! Unload?! Well, maybe unload is not the right word.
But, after all, Fred, we all know how you are with your money.
And it was pretty obvious the way you begged us to take the stock off your hands.
We begged you?! See, he admits it.
Come on, Fred.
Let's get out of here.
That's the thanks we get.
Yeah.
If you're the kind of people we would have had to associate with if we were millionaires, I'm glad we were wiped out! Ethel.
I'm not speaking to you.
I know, I'm not speaking to you either, but this is an emergency.
Can we have a five-minute truce? I know how we can get our money back.
How? How? See this tape recorder? Yeah.
Ricky said we needed evidence.
Now, I am going to get Mr.
Johnson to repeat everything that he promised us about the oil wells.
Oh, he won't say a word if he sees that recorder.
Naturally.
You are going to hide out in the hall and run the recorder.
Now, look.
See this microphone? I have it hidden right here.
Yeah.
Look at that.
Uh-huh.
I have the wire run down inside my slacks, see? Gee.
Listen, Ethel, Oh.
if this works, we won't have any reason to be mad at each other anymore.
(chuckles) Shall we do it right now? Yeah.
Come on.
I have to carry this up in the hall There.
It's all plugged in.
Now I have to put this in here.
Now, when I get inside, you press this button and turn this to this side.
Okay.
Okay.
And then let the cord out as I move around the apartment.
Now, when I get all the evidence I need, and I'm ready to leave, I'll jerk on the cord twice like this.
Yeah.
See? And then you reel me in fast because I'll be ready to come out.
Okay.
Okay.
Now, listen.
Keep the cord very taut so that you'll know when I'm ready.
Keep it taut.
Okay, all right.
Don't give me any slack.
No, I won't.
(doorbell buzzes) (buzzing) Hello.
Oh, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Won't you come in? Thank you.
Sam, we've got company.
You have to excuse the way I look.
I was just doing some more of our unpacking.
Well, that's all right.
Well, well, howdy, little lady! Hello, Mr.
Johnson.
I hope you don't mind my dropping in like this, but I wanted to talk to you.
Glad to have you any time at all.
Excuse me.
I'll continue my unpacking.
Certainly.
Mr.
Johnson, it's just that I'm terribly worried about the oil stock we bought from you.
SAM: Well, honey child, don't let it bother your pretty little redhead.
No, sir, that oil stock is just as safe as U.
S.
government bonds.
And in no time at all, you Uh would you repeat that, please? Huh? I said, would you repeat that, please, just to reassure me? Well, I said those oil stocks was as safe as U.
S.
government bonds.
Uh-huh.
And in no time at all, you'll be rolling in money.
Oh, that's right.
As soon as that well comes in, You won't be able to count the money, it'll come in so fast.
Have you any idea how much money we'll be making? Oh, you ought to get back your investment, oh, I would say, a hundred times over.
Why, the fact of the matter is, Mrs.
Ricardo, I wouldn't worry none.
After all, I wouldn't let you invest in a well that wasn't gonna come in.
Uh, Mrs.
Ricardo are you all right? Oh, yes, yes, I'm all right.
I'm just a little nervous, I guess, about all the money I've invested.
Well, now, honey child, you don't need to worry none.
No? Mercy no.
You can trust Sam.
Well, I've been in this game a long time, Mrs.
Ricardo, and I've seen a lot of wells in my day, but I look for this well to be a real lollapalooza.
Why, do you know, Mrs.
Ricardo? Unless I miss my guess How's that? I said unless I miss my guess, this little baby is gonna gush like no gusher ever gushed before.
Uh, uh, whoa! What's going on here? Well, what's that cord? Oh, Ethel, all right, Ethel! Ethel, stop! Ethel! I'll tell you what's going on.
We have all the evidence we need on a tape recorder out in the hall.
Evidence? Yes, evidence.
Evidence that you two are trying to swindle us.
Swindle?! Now, wait a minute.
Our money, or we are going to the police.
Now, you're making a big mistake.
Our money, please.
Why, that well's liable to come in anytime.
Are you gonna give us our money or will we take this recording to the police? Now, just a minute, ma'am.
Down Texas way, a deal is a deal.
Our money, please.
Sam, if that's the way she feels, give her back her nasty little old money.
All right, honey pot.
Thank you very much.
All right, Ethel, reel me in! Uh Ethel, slack up a bit.
Well, here's to the smartest, cleverest, little wife in the whole world.
Hear! Hear! It really wasn't anything.
Oh, let him tell all about it again.
I like to hear it.
Well, so do I.
Well, I tell you, honey, that was the greatest idea you ever had.
Oh, thank you.
We're all out of this mess, and we owe it all to you.
Well Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Shh What's the matter? (doorbell buzzes) Fred, that sounds like our buzzer.
Go see if somebody's at our door.
All right.
I didn't know you could hear our buzzer in here.
Sure.
How do we know when you have company? (laughing) FRED: Oh, Ken.
Oh, there you are.
We're over here.
Oh, say, I wonder if I could use your phone a moment.
Use ours.
Oh, thanks, thanks.
This one can't wait.
I I just made the greatest greatest buy in my life from that from that Johnson fella.
You bought something from Mr.
Johnson? Yeah, yeah.
Oil stock.
Honey, honey, I got it.
Yeah, for a while there, I thought it was going to be too late.
Yeah, but-but Mr.
Johnson said that some dopes returned the block of stock to him, and he sold it to me five minutes before we got a wire saying they struck oil.
KEN: Yeah, you can get that mink coat now.
Ha, ha, ha! Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
And open up that champagne.
I'll be right home.
Good-bye.
Thanks a lot, folks.
La de la da da da de de ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.
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org ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.
ANNOUNCER 2: This is the CBS Television Network.