In Living Color (1990) s03e17 Episode Script

- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go Eight times five.
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Carry the three.
Aw, damn it.
I've got to make this speech tomorrow.
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and I still don't know what to do about the.
.
.
economy.
[TV: Male Announcer.]
Do you recognize this man? [Announcer Continues.]
If you don't, you're not watching enough television.
- He's Tommy Wu.
- [Tommy.]
Hey, idiot! Rotting in your own filth! - What do you think of this excellent lifestyle I'm living? - Ding! - Just a few moments to air, Mr.
President.
- All right.
Okay.
Let's clear.
- [Exhales.]
- [Man.]
Okay, here we go.
In five, four, three, two.
.
.
Fellow Americans.
.
.
I've been staying up late, nighthawkin' it, burnin' the candle at both ends.
.
.
thinkin' about this.
.
.
economic mess we're in.
And I'll tell ya, the whole thing makes me wanna exhale liquid.
But I'm not gonna, not this time.
I've got a little trick up my sleeve.
Without further ado, please welcome my new chief economic advisor.
.
.
the Donald Trump of the Orient.
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.
and the reigning king of late-night television.
.
.
Mr.
Tommy Wu.
- Come on out here, Tom.
- Thank you, Mr.
George.
Japanese say problem with U.
S.
Economy.
.
.
is that American worker fat and lazy.
- Oh, yeah.
- But they only got it half right.
American worker stupid too.
You want to see nice picture of American auto worker? Then look up "imbecile" in dictionary.
Whoa, Wu.
Whoa.
- Stick to the thousand points of light.
- Sorry.
Okay.
Plan is so simple even American can understand it.
Step one.
Surround yourself with beautiful California girl.
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.
with intelligence of head lice.
Step two.
Buy sport car.
That all makes perfect sense.
Then what, Wu? That it, stupid! Now people lend you money.
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.
because they think you're so damn successful.
I know it doesn't sound like much, but I've checked it out.
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scrutinized it, spanked it, diapered it.
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.
kicked it in the pants, ran it up the flag pole to see who'd salute.
And I'm here to tell ya, Tom Wu's plan works.
See, after I took the seminar.
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.
I picked up this house.
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.
no money down.
- Why can't you do that? - And that's not all.
President Bush got boat.
! Got private plane.
! He even take vacationin middle of Gulf War.
! And I'll tell ya another thing.
Not every woman I sleep with looks like she just stepped off a $1.
00 bill.
Hey there, Georgie's girls.
That's right.
Since Bush learn secret.
.
.
no longer people call him "limp wimp.
" No way, Wu.
Not since I bought up five defunct S and L's for 10 cents on the dollar.
And how much profit you make on those, George? I made 300,000 G's.
G's for George.
Now, why can't you do that? And not only that, but Tommy Wu's plan worked for Barbara too.
Come on out here, Bar.
So, if you can read at all, read my lips.
Stop stimulating yourself, and stimulate economy! And read my lips.
Ask yourself not what your country can do for you.
.
.
- but ask yourself.
.
.
- [Together.]
Why can't you do that? Good night and God bless.
[Hip-hop.]
[Woman Singing.]
[Ends.]
[Man.]
And now another episode of The Head Detective.
This is pathetic.
I'm shocked that an officer from this precinct.
.
.
has stolen $20,000 in evidence money.
Come on, Chief.
No one in this room is a thief.
I don't know, partner.
Smells like someone stole your deodorant.
I'm gonna search every officer's locker in this room, starting with the Head.
Chief, you can't be serious.
Head's never done a dishonest thing in his life.
Look at this face.
Sorry, Head.
I've gotta do what I gotta do.
Well, well, well.
Look what we have here.
I didn't do it.
It's a setup.
Can't you see? They're tryin' to set me up.
I didn't take it.
You know what your problem is, Head? You're caught red-handed, and you can't even admit it.
You have no guts.
That shouldn't surprise you.
I don't have any spleen.
I got one genital and a half a colon.
Shut up, Head.
I'm sending you away for a long, long time.
L-I won't go.
You can't send me away.
Tell 'im, partner.
- Get outta here, you thief.
- Oh! - [Loud Thud.]
[Inmates Chattering.]
Gee, I stick my neck out for the force all these years.
.
.
and this is the thanks I get? [Sighs.]
I can't believe it.
Hey, man, what are you in for? Oh, man, they said I looked up some lady's dress.
It's not like I had any choice in the matter.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
You know, you got kind of a nice smile yourself.
Hey! Don't touch me.
I'm not into heads, okay? Say, look, pal, you really shouldn't run away from your feelings in here.
I mean, we're gonna be here for three years together.
Listen, buddy, you stay on your side of the cage.
I'll stay on mine, okay? Just leave me alone.
I wanna get some sleep.
Well, yeah, but, uh, you know, the bed's on my side of the cage.
Okay, but you're gonna have to shave first.
He loves me.
He loves me not.
- [Snoring.]
- He loves me.
- [Snoring Continues.]
- He loves me not.
- [Loud Whisper.]
Psst! Head! - Yes, darling? - Head, wake up.
It's me.
- Hey, partner.
Hey, who's that with you? Oh, that's just, uh.
.
.
He's just Lou, a guy I met.
- You didn't.
.
.
- What, like it? No.
I didn't like it.
Of course I didn't.
It was just a little footsie.
Shh, shh, shh, shh! Okay, okay.
We'll deal with that later.
- Listen, I know who framed you, Head.
- Who? - It was the chief.
- Oh, God, no.
- You gotta get me outta here.
- All right.
Hang on.
- Hey, partner.
One other thing.
- Yeah? Let's kind of keep this between me and you.
Sure.
Our secret, Head.
Thanks.
And where the hell do you think you're goin'? - Uh-oh.
- They got us surrounded, Head.
Nonsense, partner.
Remember when you played with Pelé? Man, you were the greatest soccer player in the world.
Head, this is no time to reminisce.
No.
Don't you see what I'm drivin' at? Kick me past 'em.
- It's too dangerous.
- Damn it! Just do it.
All right.
! Juegan, amigos.
! [Man.]
Go, man.
!Yeah.
! Yeah.
! Yeah.
! [Cheering, Chattering.]
[Cheering.]
Hey.
Hey, bring him back here.
I'll give you a pack of cigarettes.
[Chortling.]
All right.
Yes.
Peekaboo.
Look like the game's over, huh, Chief? I just wanna know one thing.
Why'd you frame me? I had to.
For the last six years, you've won the office limbo contest.
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.
and I'm sick of it.
With you out of the way.
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.
I was guaranteed to be limbo champ this year.
[Whimpering.]
Now you've ruined everything.
Yeah, well, now it looks like you're gonna do some time, Chief.
I want you to say hello to my friend, Big Lou.
- No! No, not Lou! Not Lou! - Yeah.
Big Lou.
He likes it when you touch his beard.
The creep.
- [Limbo.]
- [All.]
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! - [Whooping.]
- [Cheering.]
All right, partner.
Your turn.
Heck.
You better lower that about 25 inches.
- I wanna go ankle-high.
[Whoops.]
- Come on! [All Cheering, Chattering.]
[Cheering, Chattering Continue.]
- Lower! - [Man.]
Keep going.
! Go.
! Go low.
! Ah-ha-ha! Whoo! [All Cheering.]
[Man.]
This has been another episodeofThe Head Detective.
On behalf of the United Nations.
.
.
I am pleased to announce that a peaceful settlement has been reached.
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.
between the Palestinians and Israelis.
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and we hope it lasts a thousand years.
[Delegates Applauding.]
Now, to help us celebrate this new beginning.
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.
I'd like to introduce a goodwill ambassador.
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.
who has brought laughter to thousands.
Please welcome Don Rickles.
- [Applause.]
- [Bullfighting.]
- [Stops.]
- Thank you, my darling, for that wonderful introduction.
Now wait in the car.
Anyway.
.
.
Yeah, baby.
Can I get a "Amen"? It's a good thingyou cut it off, though.
.
.
because the Arab was gonna make a bid.
Aw! By the way, Habib, your wife called.
The Slurpee machine is broke.
Anyway.
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.
I don't know why he's here.
Somebody rubbed a lamp, and I get three wishes.
Aw! No, seriously, my friend.
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.
God knows I love the Arab people.
I cough their names up every day.
- [Hawking.]
Achmed! Aw! - [Man Laughing.]
That's very funny.
You're an Israeli.
Pardon me.
I didn't recognize you without the gas mask.
Aw.
! Let me make you feel at home.
Incoming Scud! - Now that's comedy.
- [Chuckling.]
Who asked you? Aw! I think it's only fair at this time to address the Iraqi delegate here today.
Put your veil back on, ma'am.
Aw! You're scaring the Polish guy.
Look at the Polish guy.
He's puttin' on headphones.
He thinks we're gonna show a movie.
Fire on the wing! We're goin' down! Excuse me.
I am Czechoslovakian.
Oh, big difference.
Hitler took them both in 20 minutes.
Of course, he had an army.
What did you have? Girl Scouts selling cookies at the border.
Anyway.
.
.
It's good to see the Germans reunited again.
.
.
- Siegfried and Roy.
- This is an outrage.
This man is going to ruin everything we have accomplished here.
I'm sorry.
I really didn't know he would be like this.
Give him a couple more minutes.
I'm sure he'll calm down.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! The Greek has gotten restless.
Let me say something to the Greeks.
Stay in front of me, okay, pal? Anyway.
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.
Seriously, you're a big dummy.
Aw! Why can't you be more like the Irish guy? I love the Irish.
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.
always quiet and happy.
Watch me wipe the smile off his face.
Last call! Anyway.
.
.
Where's the Italian? Where is he? Oh.
Bless you, sir.
The Italians are very much a part of the foundation.
.
.
of this great countrywe live in.
Unfortunately, there are also a couple of them in the foundation of this building.
Aw! - This man is scum.
- Oh! Oh, great! I'm being heckled by a black guy from Zanaba.
.
.
Zanama.
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.
Whatever.
Aw! Didn't I see you on Trilogy of Terror? Anyway.
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.
What is your name, sir? My name is Motumbo.
Motumbo.
English translation.
.
.
Leroy.
Aw! Is he coming towards me? Somebody get the elephant gun.
Aw! Look! Tracks.
Motumbo, white women.
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.
that way.
Aw! Seriously, my friend, we're all the same on this Earth.
And from the bottom of my heart.
.
.
Oongawa! - Aw! - This man deserves to be tortured! - Let's rig his car with dynamite.
- Yes.
I can get it for you wholesale.
I say shrink his head.
Shrink his head.
- Wait! Rain Man isn't over yet.
- [Scoffs.]
[Muttering.]
Why don't you go up to the ice rink? You're a bunch of hockey pucks.
I'm a nice guy I'm a nice guy - [Movie: Sound Track.]
- [Bodyguards Laughing.]
Oh, this is great.
.
.
a theater that still shows The Golden Child.
[Laughing.]
I should buy more movie houses.
Then they could show Harlem Nights too.
- Right, Fruity? - [Laughing.]
You're damn straight.
[Loud, Braying Laughter.]
I know the movie's funny, but this guy is laughing.
.
.
This guy's laughin' so hard, I can't hear myself laugh.
Hey, man, you wanna keep it down? Hey, man.
That's it.
.
.
Yo, man.
What's.
.
.
Hey, man.
Yo, man, what's up? Why you laughin' like a jackass? Eddie! If the shoe fits, wear it.
Oh, my main man, Eddie.
Sit your leather-clad, wanna-be-a-rock-star.
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.
hunk of burnin' butt on down next to me.
It'll be just like old times, Eddie.
Hey, look, what.
.
.
What are you doin' here? Oh.
I'm surprised you don't remember me, Eddie.
It was four long years ago that you sentenced me to my own show.
.
.
when you knew I wanted to be a movie star, Eddie.
Did you see Amazon Women on the Moon? Let me refresh your memory.
[Screams.]
I should've won an Oscar for that one, Eddie.
Now Byron Allen is doin' funnier sketches than me.
Kadeem Hardison's out of town, and I got the Nielsens breathin' down my "back.
" So I'm afraid you're gonna have to give me some of that " Be my best friend.
.
.
wanna hang out with me all night" Murphy magic.
Back to the show! Look, I wanted to do more cameos, but you was always around me.
I needed some breathing room.
I'm sorry for what happened to you a long time ago.
.
.
but that was a long time ago, all right? I'm sorry.
All right? Oh, you don't know "long time," Eddie.
You have no concept of time at all.
You've never had to interview Ed Asner.
And pain? Have you ever tried kissin' Diana Ross? The hair moves while you're reachin' for the lips, Eddie.
Besides that, I seen an old picture of Paula Abdul before the nose job.
Now that's pain.
Oh, look, man.
You buggin', man.
I'm outta here.
I'm out.
Vengeance is mine! Tell me, my people.
Eddie.
Eddie, let me make myself very clear.
I get into 20 million homes a night.
I can get into yours.
I want your career, Eddie.
Your career.
Except for them last three music videos you done.
I just wanna party all the time Party all the time That oughta do it.
Now, let's see if he's still outside.
Eddie, you been a bad boy.
Now, my people tell me you have a restraining order against me, and that it's legally binding.
But don't feel bad, Eddie.
I could be Art Buchwald.
Yes.
We're gonna party all the time.
Party all the time.
That's it.
I'm callin' the police.
Hello.
This is Eddie Murphy.
I'd like to report a crime.
Huh? Okay.
Just once.
[Signature Laugh.]
What? All right.
[Imitating Bill Cosby.]
I would like to talk to you about some of the things.
.
.
that you've been sayin' on the show.
[Drops Imitation.]
Now can I get some service? Okay.
I'd like to report that somebody is.
.
.
He's.
.
.
That's funny.
He's gone.
Never mind.
Boy, I'm thirsty.
Consuela, can I get some Evian or somethin'? All right.
Let's go, man.
Let's do this.
Oh, Eddie, don't you hate when your mouth get all dry.
.
.
and you get that white stuff all up in here and that crust runnin' on the side? People be lookin' at you, goin', "Damn.
Is that Eddie Murphy or Cicely Tyson?" Here's your water.
Eddie, don't be frightened.
I'm just here to do whatever it takes to have you come and do one.
.
.
just one guest spot on the show.
I'll clean the house.
I'll shine your table.
Hey, let me update your suit.
.
.
take the bells out for you.
Look, that's it.
I'm callin'Joe Piscopo.
.
.
and he's gonna come up here, he's gonna bust your ass.
Well, you know, Joe.
.
.
Joe could use the work.
Yes.
The steroids definitely affected his career.
Oh.
Yo.
What seems to be the problem now? I don't know, my man.
She seems to be stuck.
Look, just gun it, all right? [Revving.]
You can run, but you can't hide, Eddie.
You can't hide.
We're just gonna Party all the time Party all the time - [Screaming.]
- [Announcer.]
Cape Fear II.
Our people tell usit's coming soon to a theater near you.
Yea! Bop doo bop-bop-dee-boo - Scoop doo doop-doop-doobety-doo - [Indistinct.]
Doop doo scoop-doop-dee-doo.
.
.
- Once again, we'd like to thank y'all for.
.
.
- Thanks for joinin' us.
.
.
[Man Shouting, Indistinct.]
- Join us next week! Thank you! - [All Chattering.]
- [Hip-hop.]
- Hi, Mom!