Last Man Standing s03e17 Episode Script

"Last Man Standing" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hey.
Hey, dinner's almost ready.
Oh, great.
What is it? My four bacon and bean soup.
I thought you made a three-bacon-bean soup.
I found another bacon jowl.
Hope you didn't make too much Mandy's at school and Eve is going out with her boyfriend.
And that would be the boyfriend.
Better get used to that noise.
You're gonna be hearing plenty of that later on.
Hey, honey.
Going out! Be back early! Love you! Bye! Wait! Wait! Wait! Hey, wa hey! Geez.
You know, I have never seen her move so fast.
Well, maybe he doesn't stop the car.
She needs a running start.
Hey.
What have you been doing up there? Honey, only ask questions that you really want the answers to.
Is Eve home from her date yet? Only ask questions you really want the answers to.
You know what, honey? I like that Eve has a real boyfriend.
How come he never comes to the door? Just sits out there in the street, honks his horn.
All the neighbors are mad at him, even Larabee.
Although That part I like.
I just got to let this go.
By next week, she'll be onto something else.
Mm, oh, I think she'll still be interested in boys.
Yeah, but she'll be doing that Junior ROTC skills competition, chasing around boys with a bayonet.
That's what I wish she would focus less on, all this Junior ROTC stuff.
Yeah.
It taught her discipline, might get a free ride to college.
But you're right.
She should concentrate more on video games and weed.
I I guess what I really like about Eve dating is it finally gives the two of us something to bond over.
Is this your way of telling me that you're seeing somebody else? Like I'd ever tell you about Roy.
Ohh! Oh, just I'm talking about boyfriends in general.
Now Eve and I, we can have heart-to-hearts about romance and what it means to be a woman.
Yeah, yeah.
Those conversations have gone well with the other girls, - haven't they? - Yeah.
Mandy being Mandy and Kris had a baby in high school.
Oh, come on! Best-case scenario, this thing fizzles out.
Even better yet, the boy breaks her heart and Eve never dates again.
I'll be up in a few minutes.
Yeah, I'm still full from dinner, so don't expect too much.
I ate the soup, too, so you're off the hook.
Oh, hey, Eve.
Good night, Mom! Got a lot of homework to do! Wait! H-how was the date? Don't you want to talk about it? Uh, yeah, I do.
I was just gonna go call Cammy.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Get over here.
Come on.
We need to catch up.
Just us girls.
Come here.
So, I just I just want to check in.
I want to know that everything's going all right.
- Yeah.
It's fine.
- Yeah? Good.
Good.
Oh, you know, I remember when I first started dating uh, what? Why? Why are you making a face? Please don't tell me some story that ends with you and a guy in the rumble seat of his car.
Rumble seat? Oh, you're very funny.
Yeah, because I'm 100? Right, okay.
Wait, you know what? I actually did date a guy with a rumble seat.
Well, on the plus side, you look good for 100.
No, wait.
He was into antique cars.
And porcelain dolls.
And you let him get away.
Bummer.
Good talk, Mom.
Wait, Evie, honey.
Listen.
I just honey, I just I want you to know that you can tell me anything.
Okay? You're you're almost a woman now.
The face.
Again.
The face.
Why are you making the face? Okay, listen.
Mom, there is something I've been wanting to talk about, but I just don't want Mandy and Kristin to know 'cause they'll just tease me about it.
Don't worry.
Don't you worry, honey.
Consider this the first of many secrets you and I will share together.
Eve just got home from her date, and I have got the scoop on Justin.
You know, a lot of people sing the praises of Shakespeare, but I don't think they ever read a Bob Ludlum book.
Don't you want to hear about Eve? Not particularly.
Well, she and I just had a nice little chat, the kind that only mothers and daughters have.
I found out some very interesting información-e.
Unless Matt Damon is playing you or Eve in a movie about that conversation, I pass.
Yep, I think that you'll be happy to know that their relationship seems very innocent.
And Eve told me that Justin is super religious.
What do you mean, like he goes to church even on Bronco Sunday? Not only that, but he signed a "purity pledge" at his church, which means that he won't fool around until after he's married.
I-I'm aware of what that means.
Come on, Mike.
I mean, Junior ROTC, purity pledge.
This guy, he's like the perfect boyfriend.
He's no Roy.
I appreciate the fact the kid goes to church on Sunday, but so did I.
I'm worried about the other six days of the week.
Come on.
Give him some credit for the purity pledge.
That's comforting to know that if he fools around with Eve that God will smite him.
Feels like a shame to get smited for being smitten.
You know, we're talking about our kid's virtue here.
Maybe you should take this more seriously.
What still bugs me is the kid doesn't come to the door.
I mean, what's his angle there? Oh, honey.
Geez.
Why do you always think that everybody's working an angle? Because I live in the world of reality, not the cotton candy, moonbeam world of geology.
So, you admit that you were wrong about Captain Kangaroo? Okay! So the guy was in the military, but he never got the rank of captain! Oh! What kind of a teenage boy takes a purity pledge? A nice one? - A nice teenage boy? - Yeah.
I've heard of them.
They live with the Easter bunny and Sasquatch.
That's who they are.
I don't trust this kid.
He's after our daughter, and I'm just gonna keep an eye on this.
Well, luckily, Eve and I have a cool bond now where we confide in each other, so We're a great team.
You got that, and I've got Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, where we say what we mean and we mean what we say.
That's not always the case everywhere else, though, is it? Here's a good one.
"If you're happy with your insurance, you can keep it.
" And my old favorite "I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
" You hear a politician say, "I'm not a crook," you pretty much know he's a crook.
Funny thing about human psychology a guilty conscience leads you to proclaim the exact opposite of the truth.
Like Vladimir Putin.
Goes on and on about gay people, but his hobbies include wrestling and riding shirtless on a horse.
Or when a teenage boy says to a girl that he's willing to "take things slow.
" What does he mean by "things"? He's pretty much telling her he's only got one thing on his mind.
Which is why we're having our special, once-a-year, fathers-with-teenage-daughters sale.
All gutting racks are half-priced.
Because dressing a deer in front of a teenage boy Might just take his mind off undressing your daughter.
I wish I was going with you, Eve.
Camping is fun.
Only if it's on the sidewalk the night before the new iPhone gets released.
And Kyle's holding my place while I sleep at home.
Well, this is not about "fun," ladies.
We're not twisting dandelions into friendship bracelets here.
This is the Junior ROTC military skills competition.
This is every girl's dream, okay? A water-can relay, log carrying race, and just when you're about to cough up a lung, there's "the gauntlet.
" My dream is getting to sleep in till 8:00 on a Saturday.
Wow, both of your dreams make me want to cry.
Well, I'll be making all the boys cry when I win "Top Shooter.
" Better make room in my duffel for the trophy I'm bringing home.
Hold up.
So, there's guys going along on this little sleepover? Well, I'm going with an elite team selected from my squad.
Hmm.
Suddenly this is starting to resemble my dreams.
How does Justin feel about you being out there in the woods running around with all those muscular hotties in tight-fitting uniforms? Well, the uniforms are regulation Shh.
My dreams, my uniforms.
Okay, well, Justin will be there, too.
Ohhhhh.
Now I get what's going on here.
That would be a first.
Your boyfriend is going with you? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Very nice.
A little mood lighting a little romantic dinner.
A little sleeping bag for two under the stars.
And you'll just junior rot-see what happens.
Nothing is going to happen! Okay, it better not, but, uh, just in case, I I want to make sure this isn't the only raincoat you're packing.
Why would I need more than one raincoat, guys? No.
Um, yeah.
Do Mom and Dad know about Justin? Well, they know he's in Junior ROTC with me.
And they signed off on this weekend? They signed my permission slip months ago.
Before you started dating him.
Okay, yeah, but it's no big deal, because we're just going as teammates this weekend.
And he better not drop the water can in the relay, 'cause he'll be taking his sister to prom.
Wait.
You need to explain all this to Mom and Dad before you go.
Explain what to us? Nothing.
Eve, what's, uh what's going on? Uh, honey, you know uh, you know you can tell me anything, right? I know.
It's it's just drama.
I mean, I hate living in a house with a bunch of girls.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
Take a break.
Come on in the den.
Do what I do bitch about the democrats and clean shotguns.
What is it? Eve, they're gonna find out eventually.
Boy, there's words every parent loves to hear.
What's going on? I-it's nothing.
Justin made the team, and he's going on the camping trip this weekend.
Everybody happy now? Oh, I've been happier.
Evie, honey, this, uh this changes things a lot.
- Why? - Well Because we've never met this kid.
He won't even come to the front door.
No way I'm letting you go away for the weekend with him! No.
No.
No.
What?! T-that's insane! I've been training for a year.
I have to go.
Yeah, but you're not.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe you guys don't trust me.
Well, I can't believe you didn't trust me enough to tell me.
I thought we had a cool bond.
You're not old enough to go on a sleepover with Mr.
purity pledge.
You told him? Yeah, and I'm not buying it.
A purity pledge is one step below a pinky swear.
I can't believe I was stupid enough to tell you anything, Mom! Wow, you really violated her trust.
Go away.
Thanks a lot for telling Mom and Dad about Justin.
It would've been much worse if they've found out after.
How about my plan where they never find out.
How about we give that a try.
Oh wait.
Too late.
Look, I know you are really mad at Mom and Dad right now.
And you.
Let's not forget you.
You know, we all are looking out for your best interest.
So it's in my best interest to be punished because you and Mandy are both giant tramps who slept around? I never slept around, okay? I I had a kid.
And I haven't slept since.
But you're right.
I I made some mistakes, which is why I want you to be safe.
So Justin will be 90 miles away while I'm locked up in my room all weekend.
Safe enough for you? You know if I were you You're not me! Okay?! If you were going this weekend, it would be to hook up with your boyfriend.
But I was going because I trained for a year and I wanted to kick the other squads' ass! So, you don't even care that Justin is gonna be there? No, I'm actually kind of annoyed that he's going.
He's not that good.
And he'll just embarrass me in front of the guys.
He made the team, like, two days ago because some other kid got hurt When he tripped Over Justin.
Wait, so, all of this wasn't just an excuse for you guys to have some alone time together? Hello! Both of our parents work.
I get out of school at 3:00.
If we wanted to, we could have had two kids and a cat by now.
Wow.
I I'm sorry.
I guess this really is my fault.
I just, you know, I assumed that you were doing what I would have done.
Why would I ever do that? When I talk about you to my friends, I always call you "the cautionary tale.
" Eve worked so hard for this.
I hated having to take it away from her.
Well, you shouldn't have let it happen.
We both signed that permission slip before we knew that they were seeing each other.
But then you forgot it.
You forgot about it, too.
Because I have a job.
So do I.
Let's not split hairs over whose job is more demanding and who's a geologist.
Oh, okay.
Mom.
Dad.
Uh, I just had a nice talk with Eve.
- You did? - Is she still mad at your mom? 'Cause that's understandable.
Shh! Listen, I don't think you have to worry about letting her go on this trip.
Because she's not going.
Keep up with the current events! Okay, that's a mistake.
Eve shouldn't have to pay for the stuff that I did in high school, or Mandy.
Eve's a better kid than either of us were.
We would have been out that bedroom window a half an hour ago.
Yeah.
That was kind of your go-to move.
But it isn't Eve's, and and she's the best climber of the three of us.
That's because she's got those weird little monkey hands.
Eve said that she wasn't ready to do anything physical with Justin, and I have to say I believe her.
She shared all that with you? I mean, you were only up there for like two minutes.
How? Vanessa, consider it a blessing less for you to blab.
But wait.
She she misled us.
All this time, she knew her boyfriend was going, and she kept it from us? No, no, no.
She just found out Justin was going.
She she didn't mislead you.
Really, I I think you guys should reconsider.
Love you.
Oh.
Honey, are we making a mistake? I mean, all this time, we've been focusing on whether we could trust this boy, and we forgot that we can trust Eve.
- This is your fault.
- What?! You gave me bad intel.
You don't have the cool relationship with Eve that you think you do.
Where are you going? To tell Eve she can go to Fort Carson.
No, honey.
Wait.
Wait.
No, wait.
Listen.
Listen.
I think Eve's gonna be really thrilled to hear this and I know.
I know.
I think it should come from her mother.
Eve, honey? Hey.
What? Oh, she's gone! And she she took her bag! Oh, no! She followed her sisters out the window.
Damn monkey hands.
Evie, honey, please call.
We just want to know that you're okay.
We're not mad at you.
You're not in trouble.
She's the smart one.
She's not gonna fall for that.
Do you think we drove her to this by not trusting her? Or or or was she playing us the whole time? She's been two steps ahead of us the whole time.
It's like I'm Treadstone, and I want to be Jason Bourne.
Ohh.
What's up, gloomy gusses? Did one of your political guys get in trouble for, uh, waterboarding again? Mandy, not now.
I never understood why that was such a big deal.
'Cause I went waterboarding that one time in California.
It was, like, so much fun! Listen, Eve snuck out to go on her Junior ROTC weekend even though we told her that she couldn't go.
Wow.
Totally pulling a Mandy.
I got to say I'm kind of proud.
You're proud of setting a bad example for your sister? I'm not, like, "proud" proud.
I mean, like, you know, my gay pride proud, like, where I'm walking past the parade.
And I'm like, "hey! "Good for you.
That's awesome.
Oh, a pretzel cart.
" Are you gonna go get her? Yeah.
- You want me to come with you? - No, no.
You know what you should do? Go cut down that tree outside her window.
Oh.
Dad.
Hey, there.
I don't think that hole's big enough for two.
Where's your boyfriend? In the infirmary.
He sprained his ankle Putting up his tent.
There's officer material.
Why did you think it was okay to leave when your mom and I said you couldn't? I had to come.
We have a real shot at winning this weekend, and they won't without me.
Right.
So you snuck away with your boyfriend? I didn't sneak away with my boyfriend.
How'd you get here? My boyfriend.
But we've barely seen each other since, and we've been doing separate drills all day.
And then he got hurt.
And then I laughed.
And then he got the other kind of hurt.
I don't need to hear this stuff.
I just want you to pack up your gear and get in the truck.
Let's go.
I'm not leaving, Dad.
What do you mean, you're not leaving? What the hell's the matter with you?! What's the matter with you?! Since when did you stop trusting me? I gave you an order, and you defied it.
That's breaking the chain of command.
You above everybody should know that means something.
Yes, sir.
You can't just obey orders that you agree with.
A soldier has to submit to authority.
Even when that authority might have misjudged the situation and you think they're wrong? Yes.
So, you're admitting that you misjudged the situation? A commander is only as good as his intel.
Now, are you gonna march to this truck like a soldier, or do I got to carry you like a crying little girl? I'll go like a soldier.
Go tell your commander what's going on here.
- Okay.
Yes, sir.
- Hustle up! Yes, sir.
That's a latrine right there.
Kind of sorry I made that pit stop before I got here.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Perfect depth, nice edges.
It's a shame what those kids are gonna do to this after a while.
Did you talk to your commander? Yeah.
He's real disappointed, but I couldn't tell if it was because I'm supposed to run anchor in the relay tomorrow or his life didn't turn out the way he'd hoped.
Is that yours? Yeah.
I won "Top Shooter.
" Wasn't even close.
Dad, I'm really sorry that I let you down.
I just didn't want to let down my squad, and it's important that a soldier can count on his brothers.
And sisters.
Yeah.
And there's some more bad news.
I driving up here, I think I was basically driving on fumes.
I don't think I have enough gas to get back.
Seriously? Yeah.
I I can just send someone down in the morning.
I'll stay here, and I'll sleep in the truck tonight.
So, we're stuck here until tomorrow.
Yes.
As long as we're here and staying, you might as well just hang out with your squad and, you know, do your drills.
Yep, might as well.
And since I'm staying the night, I can watch you do the relay tomorrow.
All I'll be here tonight, just hanging out.
You never know where I'm gonna be, watching everything.
Thanks, Dad.
Is this Justin a good guy? He's okay.
I'm pretty sure I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him.
Something he and I might have in common.