Magnum, P.I. (1980) s03e17 Episode Script
I Do?
To the late, great Thomas Sullivan Magnum.
- Stop yelling! - I'm not yelling! I'm speaking loudly.
You're yelling.
Always did prefer your men like your cologne, cheap and splashy.
- You're not a member here.
- My wife is.
You can put it on their accounts.
Ta.
Marrying the boss's niece has advantages.
Anything you want or need, you just give me a little buzz.
Uncle Harry, what is going on? You and your new hubby are up the creek.
Dearly beloved, we have come together in the presence of God to witness and bless the joining of this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
Would you join hands, please? Will you have this man to be your husband, to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live? I will.
And will you have this woman to be your wife, to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live? I will.
The ring, please.
Now that this man and this woman have given themselves to each other, by solemn vow, by the joining of hands and by the giving and receiving of a ring, I pronounce that they are husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
I'm telling you, T.
C.
, he's sick, he needs help.
Needed help.
In case you didn't notice, the boy done said I do.
I tried talking to him like a buddy.
Would he listen? He wouldn't listen to anybody.
I called him 30 times.
Never returned one of my calls.
Not one.
Uh-huh.
To the late, great Thomas Sullivan Magnum.
May he rest in peace.
My God, Rick, how can you drink that swill? Malaria-infested Burmese swamp water was more palatable.
- Gee, Higgins, I kind of like it.
- That doesn't surprise me.
Nothing about this soiree surprises me.
Everything is so flawlessly vulgar.
Macaroni salad and plastic flowers.
But then one can hardly expect anything else from Harry MacKenzie.
Hey, lighten up, this guy is worth millions.
Clearly a blessed confirmation that breeding and class cannot be bought.
Thank the heavens.
You know something, Higgins? You're a snob.
I prefer to think of myself as civilized.
This is a class act, first class here.
Plastic champagne glasses, I rest my case and feel more confident than ever that Magnum will feel right at home with his new in-laws.
Wonderful.
Tom Marsha.
Oh, Tom, Tom.
Marsha.
Uncle Harry, everything is perfect.
Daddy would be so proud.
Honey, I promised my brother his little girl would have the very best of everything.
Ever since her daddy died, she's been like my own little girl.
I'd like to dance with her if you don't mind.
- Sure, Mr.
MacKenzie.
- Tom, please, call me Uncle Harry.
OK, Uncle Harry.
- Sure you don't mind? - No, it's just - Ready? - Yes.
It would appear you've made my sister very happy.
Well, I hope so.
She's made me very happy.
That's nice.
Marrying the boss's niece has advantages.
- Oh, Andy - No, no, no.
Andrew.
Not Andy, Andrew.
Look, Andrew, I did not marry the boss's niece.
I don't even work for your uncle.
You will.
You know my father died building this company? MacKenzie Enterprises is a family business.
- Always has been, always will be.
- I know.
- So you think that you can just come in - My boys, scheming already? Trying to figure out how to throw Uncle Harry out? I wouldn't count on it for the next half-century.
Don't count your chickens.
Nothing's for ever.
- Hello, Grandmother.
- And don't pout.
Your brother used to pout and it killed him.
Heart stopped, just like that.
Bad for the ticker.
Stand up, boy, you're slouching.
Bad for the liver.
Come on, they're playing our song.
- Bye.
- Nice boy.
It's good to have a new face in the family.
- Otto, they're here.
- Ja, ja, Greta.
I am hurrying.
Greta, Otto, what are you doing here? Your grandmother sent us to make perfect your love nest.
Greta and Otto work for Grandmother MacKenzie.
Otto, big Dummkopf, said you would be coming at six.
Six is what I was told.
No matter.
No matter.
So very beautiful.
And such a handsome husband.
Me, I have Dummkopf.
Take the bags inside.
- Oh, thank you.
- Schnell, schnell.
Oh, I'll get the door.
Thank you very much.
- This is Uncle Harry's wedding gift? - Yes, good old Uncle Harry.
- Aren't you forgetting something? - Uh? - The threshold.
- Ah.
- Oh, isn't this lovely? - Champagne.
Oh, how nice.
Ja.
Gut.
The bags are in the bedroom, the first room on the left.
Dinner is cooking, champagne is cooling and We are going.
- Bye.
- Thanks.
Bye-bye.
I thought they would never leave.
The threshold, don't you think that was a bit much? - Isn't that how it's done? - Sure.
In 1947.
Oh! Watch out! Oh, you big klutz! I didn't do anything.
I was standing here.
Do you have any idea how much this dress cost? Hey, it was an accident.
I'm sorry.
I should have known, big body, little brain.
- This is not gonna be easy.
- Brilliant deduction.
Look, don't you think that we could try to be a little understanding, otherwise we'll be at each other's throat? - Don't you threaten me.
- That is not a threat.
- Stop yelling! - I'm not yelling! I'm speaking loudly! - You're yelling! - Hey, will you two knock it off? This is a nice neighborhood.
You two are beginning to sound like you actually are married.
I'd rather be dead.
Primo stuff, 22 bucks a case.
It smells like a poker game in here.
- Harry, you're getting ash all over the floor.
- Relax, it's a rental.
I have to live here.
I'd prefer it didn't look like a frat house.
Look, you and I decided on this plan together.
You decided, and for some reason, which still escapes me, I accepted.
For the company, honey.
I married that bozo Bruce for love.
This isn't going to work any better than that.
Au contraire.
Andy went for it, hook, line and sinker.
And now, in the spirit of nepotism that made this country great, I'm gonna make my new nephew-in-law a vice president of the company, in charge of plant operations.
He can look into every nook and cranny and nobody'll get suspicious.
Right.
If Andrew buys this situation, then it's a good cover.
When do you think he'll make a move? If I knew that, I wouldn't need you.
Once I discovered the losses, I analyzed our records for nearly a year.
There's been a loss every month, except this one.
I've got almost $8 million worth of computers in that warehouse and Andy's gonna go for it and when he does, I'm gonna catch that snake with his hand in the cookie jar.
If he does it.
You start tomorrow.
Snoop around the company.
Use your private eye contacts.
- Private investigator.
- Who cares? Just find out where he's gonna fence that stuff and, more importantly, when.
Now, listen, you two.
Andy is no dummy.
He'll keep his eyes on you, so I want you to be happily married 24 hours a day.
That shouldn't be too hard.
- Speak for yourself.
- Marsha, put a lid on it.
I'm beat.
Which bedroom do you want? There's only one bedroom, mine.
Wait.
Where am I supposed to sleep? Anywhere you like except the bedroom or bathroom.
Hey, look, maybe we both ought to decide who's going to sleep where, draw up a schedule, take turns.
Sort of domestic democracy, that's fair, right? Good morning.
You need a shave.
I also need a sink.
I think I saw one in the kitchen.
Agh! Oh! Fascinating.
Is it a masculine morning ritual? It's called shaving in the sink with a toaster for a mirror.
You oughta try it.
What on earth for? Look, you've cut yourself, clumsy.
- I'm lucky I didn't slit my throat.
- We're due at the club at nine for breakfast.
The office at ten.
Dress.
I want to leave in 15 minutes.
Don't you ever say please? Would you hurry up? Could be worse.
We could really be married.
We're not.
You know, I sort of got the idea that you've got a thing about marriage.
The only problem I have with marriage is the man who comes with the deal.
Oh.
I grew up in a family full of men.
I washed them, I fed them and I dressed them.
I escaped by marrying a man who was supposedly full grown.
Bruce the bozo.
I ended up washing, feeding and dressing him too.
Let me do that.
Now I work almost entirely with men.
Most of them act like they're about four.
If I'm not careful, they'll have me taking care of them too.
So I decided there's only one person I'm going to take care of.
- Let me guess, you.
- Me.
Now, amazing what a shower and a shave will do for a man.
A cold shower.
We ran out of hot water.
We are late, Mr.
Magnum.
Come on.
As long as we're pretending to be married, don't you think we ought to be on a first-name basis? Maybe we can call each other sweetheart or honey once in a while.
Rico, whoa.
Rico! Cool it with the buzz saw, will you? No more blended drinks.
There's something immoral about gin fizzes at nine in the morning.
- This is an outrage.
- No, Higgins.
If you were inside my head What an extraordinarily depressing thought.
- What's the problem? - Problems, plural.
First there's a car parked in my space, a Jaguar, gold.
And the Ornithological Society's monthly breakfast is scheduled for this morning in the rainbow room.
Another group has forced its way into the room.
Stop bobbing your head like a car ornament and tell me who's responsible for this.
Hi, Rick.
Hi, Higgins.
Could you send someone to the rainbow room? - We're ready to order.
- Order, in the rainbow room? What the hell do you think you're doing? You're not a member.
That's right, but my wife is.
So's my uncle-in-law, my brother-in-law and my grandmother-in-law.
So, until I'm a full-fledged member, you can put it on their accounts.
Ta.
- I don't believe it.
- Sit down and button your trap, Andrew.
I will not, Grandmother.
Somebody has to put his foot down.
His foot? That is just a figure of speech, Marsha.
Don't start playing sexual politics, OK? Andrew, I forbid you to use that word in the presence of ladies.
Or a gentleman.
Gentleman? Oh, oh, oh.
I have done some checking up on this gentleman.
- Andrew, he is my husband.
- That's hardly a stellar recommendation.
That's just like you, Andrew.
You always were a little sneak.
- Now, now, Andy's got a perfect right - It's Andrew, Uncle Harry.
- And don't patronize me.
- Shut up, boys.
- The men in this family are such whiners.
- Mother New blood's the answer.
- Fresh genes.
- Andrew, you are being petty.
I'm being responsible to this business and this family.
Mr.
Magnum doesn't seem to know anything about business or responsibility.
I'm sure he's a fast learner.
Aren't you a fast learner, Timothy? - It's Thomas, Grandmother.
- Thomas? Thomas who? Thomas Magnum, whose naval career was destroyed when he resigned his commission, who has drifted ever since he arrived in the islands and done nothing except live off the largesse of Robin Masters and who plays at being a second-rate private eye.
Private investigator.
Basically, a guy who likes a fast buck and a quick thrill.
But you always did prefer your men like your cologne, cheap and splashy.
- Andrew! - Pig! - Idiot.
- Now, shut up, the both of you.
Sit down.
Sorry, Tom, they're like oil and water, always were, always will be.
Uncle Harry, you cannot allow this beach bum to become a vice president.
- Beach bum? - Andrew! - Timothy's a member of the family.
- He's not a member of my family.
I wouldn't let him be a janitor at MacKenzie, much less a vice president.
- Mr.
Magnum? - Huh? You're already here.
I'm Miss Lodato, your secretary.
Hi.
You took me by surprise.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is all kind of new to me.
That's what I'm here for, to show you the ropes.
And anything you want or need, you just give me a little buzz.
- Well, thanks, Miss? - Lodato.
- But I prefer to be called Mary Jane.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Miss Lodato.
I see you've met Mary Jane.
She's cute, isn't she? Look but don't touch.
Company policy.
Besides, you are married, remember that? It's always on my mind.
As soon as you're settled in, start checking around.
The sooner we can finish with this charade, the better.
- You got it, boss.
- No.
8 is where the inventory is stored.
Check the security system there first.
- Right.
- And be careful.
After this morning, Andrew is bound to be suspicious.
Oh, you do care.
When I write my book on how to be an ace private investigator, one of the first chapters will be on family squabbles.
There's a thousand variations but the MacKenzies were a classic combination of money, power and sibling rivalry.
A pretty potent mix.
The nice thing about cases like these, though, was how easily they unraveled once you find the right thread to pull.
Nine times out of ten, everything boiled down to ruffled feathers and hot air.
That's why Uncle Harry's hot air and Andrew's ruffled feathers didn't concern me too much.
With a little luck, I figured I'd have everyone kissing, making up and maybe even living happily ever after.
There, there, Mr.
Magnum.
Now, don't move.
That's right.
Just relax.
No You mustn't do that.
Such a big bump.
The pillow should be under his feet.
His head needs more blood than his big toe.
Excuse me.
Congratulations.
In just three hours, you have ruined everything.
- Ruined everything? - If you weren't so obvious about it - Obvious? Wait a minute - You've blown our cover because of it.
Fine.
If that's the case, then we can stop playing house, I can go back to being a private detective, which is exactly what I should have been in the first place.
Uhh.
Let me see.
Let me see.
If you're going to keep shouting, this is gonna get worse, so lie down.
Lie down.
I didn't realize.
Is that better? Well, at least this bump tells us we're on the right track, doesn't it? And you're wrong.
Our cover isn't exactly blown.
I'm wrong? I didn't say that.
You said that.
I think it's even more important now that we protect it, so that you can continue with this investigation.
What's wrong? Nothing.
I was wondering what you were planning on doing.
- Besides just lying here.
- I'm not just lying here.
A good private investigator's always doing something.
Such as? Yes? - It's Rick.
- Ah.
See? Always doing something.
Yeah, Rick.
Great.
What have you got? Good.
Listen, can you and T.
C.
Come over tonight about seven? Yeah, bring some beer and some chips.
OK.
- They're coming to our house tonight? - Rick's got something for us.
Well, I think you could have asked me first.
You know, Uncle Harry ought to be there too Checked with you first? What about? - What's wrong now? - Nothing.
Nothing.
I just hope we have enough for five.
Enough what? Here you are.
Now, this isn't exactly French but there is some white wine in it somewhere.
Now, don't be polite.
Go ahead and eat.
Um, I hate to mix business with pleasure but Tom tells me you came up with something.
Yeah, there's this guy Ice Pick, tells me that someone's been looking for a buyer with big bucks to handle a computer deal.
That's got to be our stuff.
I'll bet my life.
That's a good bet.
I kept digging.
I came up with a name.
Mm.
- Andy MacKenzie.
- I knew it.
- Any buyers? - Not yet.
Then we'll provide one.
Do you think Ice Pick can set up a buy with Andy and a rich criminal from the mainland? Yeah, he could set it up for a price.
That's it.
There's our sting.
We'll set up the fake buy.
Get Andy to tip his hand and we catch him in the act.
- Could work.
- It's got to work.
That's the only way I'm gonna get that sneaky twerp.
Of course, we need one or two persons who could pose as the buyers.
Wait a minute, before you even consider a bad idea, you can count us out.
Hey, come on! I never even mentioned you guys.
Of course it's not a bad idea.
It's worse than bad.
It's terrible.
Nothing personal but we've been down the road too many times before with Thomas.
So I thank you for the dinner but we've got to go.
Suppose I told you I'd pay you Now, if that's all settled how about some more casserole? Hi.
It's the original Gunga Din, just started.
Grab a seat.
I can barely hear it.
That way I won't hear it at all, which is the idea.
- Bad idea.
- I want to go to sleep.
So go to sleep.
I plan to.
- Wait a minute.
Give me that.
- No.
I need to sleep.
What are you doing? What are you doing? You kissed me.
I kissed you? Oh! That's typically male.
Why would I want to kiss you? I don't know but it's nothing to get upset about.
I'm not upset.
Me either.
As a matter of fact, I kind of enjoyed it.
Typically male, I guess.
It's all set for dawn.
Rick and T.
C.
Are gonna drive up in the truck.
Andrew apparently has someone on the gate to let them in.
You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.
That's 300 you owe me.
Now you putt first this time.
I'll be in the back of the truck.
I'll squash Andy like a bug on a windshield.
What am I supposed to be doing, my nails? You stay out of this.
After what Andy's done, we can't be too careful.
I don't care.
I'm vice president of this company.
I'm going with you.
No, you're not.
It could be dangerous.
And you're both immune because you're men, right? You stop speeding bullets with your bare hands and leap tall buildings with a single bound, that sort of thing? You're beginning to sound like your grandmother.
That's fine with me.
Being married to her would give a whole new meaning to the word divorce.
That's 400 you owe me.
I got to go lie to a banker.
I'll talk to accounting about deducting 400 from your salary.
Well Someone once said you are what you eat.
Now, that's true but I also figure you are where you live too.
There's a lot to the old adage, "Home, sweet home.
" It's comfortable, familiar, secure, sort of like a good pair of shoes that really fit.
That's why a couple days in the love nest started driving me up the walls.
It just wasn't me.
So I figured I'd sneak off and have a couple of hours to myself, a little domestic R&R, totally alone.
- Touchdown, Southern Call - Except for the SC-Notre Dame game.
Higgins, look, I didn't mean to bother you.
Look, I can explain everything.
It's not Mr.
Higgins but don't let that keep you from explaining.
What are you doing here? How did you get in? Well, since you took our car, I took a cab.
And after calling Rick and T.
C.
And every disreputable gin mill in Honolulu, that left this.
Then I simply told Mr.
Higgins I was looking for my husband.
You woke him up? Wait a minute.
I am not your husband.
He was absolutely livid that you had broken in here but we both decided I should take care of the matter.
- How could you do this? - Do what? How could you be so incredibly insensitive? I mean, I wake up in the middle of the night and you're gone.
There's no note, no phone call, just an empty house.
I couldn't sleep and there was a replay of the football game on cable, so So? So you just walked out? You make it sound like I abandoned you.
- Well, what do you call it? - I don't call it anything.
No, of course not.
And you can just come and go whenever you please.
Marsha, look, you can come and go whenever you please too.
Day or night, around the clock, I don't care.
Well, I mean I do care, sort of, in the right way.
I mean, we're in this together.
Yes and it's not over yet.
In case you've forgotten, you work for me, us, 24 hours a day.
And since we are meeting Rick and T.
C.
In just a few hours, I suggest we get some rest.
You're not actually gonna eat that? Well, yeah, actually, I was.
Rancid, decaying animal flesh with harmful chemicals and additives, that's terrible.
Awful.
I'll fix you something good when we get home.
Eggs Romanoff, that's what I'll make.
That's got caviar and capers and green onions.
Or maybe that's red onions.
I don't know, whatever.
I've never made it before but the recipe sounds really good This is the last time you pick a disguise for me.
But it is perfect, Orville.
I am representing oil money from the Sheik of Yahoo and you're his son.
If I'm the son of a sheik, how come I'm driving a truck? If anybody asks, blame OPEC.
Tom, it's Rick.
How's it going back there? I'm bouncing off the walls, Rick.
Can you take it easy? How's Marsha? Having the time of her life.
All right, we'll be there in five minutes.
Look, why don't you sit down? You're not going to get dirty.
No, I'll stand up.
Agh! Oh! I think we're here.
Thomas, we're here.
We don't see nothing.
He's probably inside, Rick.
You go ahead, we'll follow.
- You all right? - Yes, I'm all right.
I'm all right.
- Rick! Rick! - What? Better come down here.
Something's wrong.
- It's empty.
- It sure as hell is.
We've been hoping you guys would show up for the rest.
- The rest? - Wait.
There's some mistake.
Sure as hell been a mistake, buddy boy, and it's yours and his.
I knew it.
I knew something like this was gonna happen.
- What are you doing here? - I was about to ask you the same thing.
Uncle Harry, what is going on? It looks like you and your new hubby are up the proverbial creek, without a paddle.
Take 'em away, boys.
- You really did it this time, Thomas.
- I told you, if you'd just let me explain.
- Don't explain.
- Forget it, Thomas.
It looks worse than it is.
How could it look any worse? We're in jail looking at two to ten for grand theft.
I told you getting married was a big mistake.
Ah! But that's the point, see? At least one of them, see? I didn't actually get married.
Well, I did but not really.
Getting married is like getting pregnant, you do or you don't.
It's real simple, Rick, if you'll just let me explain.
Marsha discovered somebody stealing from the company but she didn't know who.
Now, Uncle Harry knew, because he's the bad guy but he pointed the finger at Andrew and then he hired me to come in and catch him but he set up this whole sting thing to make it look like I ripped off the company.
It's pretty clever, huh? And it almost worked too, except that I figured it out and that's when Andrew, Marsha and I came up with this idea about a sting on a sting, which meant we had to let Harry's sting seem to work, so that we could sting him.
And it worked.
What worked? In case you haven't noticed, genius, we're the ones that are in jail.
The only thing we have done wrong is be dumb enough to listen to you.
Relax, guys, we're gonna get out of here real soon.
Yeah well, real soon better come real quick.
Don't tell me.
It's the city jail thespians doing a scene from Riot In Cell Block 11.
The final resting place after a sordid life of crime.
- Higgins, there's been a mistake.
- His.
You got to get us out of here.
That's easier said than done.
Bail has been denied.
- Denied? - Relax, guys.
He's not in on the plan.
Andrew explained everything to the DA.
We're gonna be here forever.
They're probably letting Marsha out right now.
Trust me.
It's all part of the plan.
- We had to give Uncle Harry some time.
- To do what? To get away.
Or think that he was getting away.
How extraordinarily bizarre, Magnum.
You cannot walk into the middle of something like this and expect to understand it.
If you let me explain.
Shut up! Thomas, we got here as quickly as we could.
No problem, we're right on schedule.
How'd it go? He didn't suspect a thing.
They had the truck out an hour before you got there.
We followed him to pier 40.
- Thomas, what is going on? - I'll explain on the way.
- Explain on the way? Forget it.
- We ain't going nowhere with you.
OK, if that's the way you feel.
You see that? He didn't know what to do.
Of course, because he knew he couldn't do a thing.
Hey! Ha! Look here, man, I'm starving.
Let's go get some lunch.
Good idea.
It's locked.
It's locked! - Guard! - Hey! Yoo-hoo! Hey, guard, help! Hey, somebody come back here! Why did you pull it shut like this? It's locked like this.
- Hey, Higgie, this door is locked.
- There's some mistake.
- Yeah, so go get the jailer or something.
- I could be persuaded to do so.
What do you mean "persuaded"? - Higgins, you wouldn't.
- Oh, you couldn't.
Use of your aerial services Saturday and Sunday for a month including petrol.
A month! Man, that is robbery.
- 40 hours of bookkeeping services.
- You've got to be kidding.
And the rainbow room belongs to the Ornithological Society the last Thursday of every month for the next year regardless of who wants it.
Fat chance.
That's the last straw.
He can do it to Magnum but not us.
OK! Done.
- I'll check inside.
- And I'm supposed to wait here? Marsha, I am the professional.
I do this for a living.
Big deal.
I'll go and you wait here.
We'll all go.
What is so complicated about putting your head inside a trailer? Now I know how this may look but there's an explanation.
There's been a serious mistake.
There sure has been.
At first we thought it was Andy Nothing personal, kid.
When Andy didn't show up, the cops thought Tom and Marsha were involved.
I talked to those idiots but they wouldn't listen.
Shut up, Harry.
We all know precisely what happened.
- You do? - It was pretty nifty, Uncle Harry.
Your only mistake was forgetting your nephew's name is Andrew.
And that's Andrew, Uncle Harry, not Andy.
You prefer Andrew? Hey, you've got it.
Andrew MacKenzie, got a great ring.
I love it.
Since you're the only family member that calls him Andy, when Ice Pick said Andy MacKenzie was looking for buyers, I knew you planted his name and set up this cute sting.
Why, that's ridiculous.
This is a family business.
I'm the president.
I can do anything I want.
You're president because I've allowed you to be.
My 51 ยบ% of MacKenzie runs this business.
And from this moment on, you're fired.
The whole board's got to sit down and discuss this.
Well, since the whole board is right here, we'll have a meeting right now.
All those in favor of booting this little worm out on his worthless tail, say aye.
Aye.
Opposed? Unanimous.
Now, that takes care of family business.
There's just one little thing, the criminal charges.
Such as fraud.
- And theft.
- Attempted murder.
What are you talking about? Those boxes missed you.
That was a warning.
Tell it to the police.
They're on their way.
Harry! Uncle Harry, stop! Are you just going to stand there? - You said the police are on their way.
- What if they miss him? Grandmother, Andrew, in the car.
Wait a minute.
No.
Wait.
Stop.
You don't have to stop him.
Let the police do that.
That's what they're paid for.
Marsha, you've been watching too many detective shows.
- Are you coming? - No, I'm not coming.
OK, wait.
I'm coming.
I don't know why I'm coming but I'm coming.
I haven't had such a good ride in a long time.
The forklift.
Look out for the forklift! Will you slow down? Ohh! Marsha, you're gonna kill us all.
You drive like you cook! Stop it, Andrew.
The guy with the lights and the siren, that's a cop.
That's the police.
The police.
Do you want me to spell it? Hi, guys.
I think I can explain everything.
Tho Thomas! Hi.
You scared me.
- What happened to you? - Whiplash.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
No, it's fine.
Honest.
I'm just kidding.
It's all better, see? - Just gives me leverage with Higgins.
- Are you sure? Yeah, it's all better.
I was just giving you a hard time.
Well, I stopped by because I never got a chance to thank you for everything you did.
That's OK.
It's just part of the job.
Also you left some things at the cottage.
Oh, my shaving kit.
You can't be without that, can you? And these are yours, aren't they? Wouldn't get married without 'em.
Well, I guess I made a pretty rotten wife, huh? Well, I didn't make such a hot husband.
I guess this relationship stuff takes a lot of practice.
It's like golf for me.
No matter how much I practice, I never seem to break 100.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah, I sure do.
- Well - Hey.
We didn't do so bad after all, you know, all things considered.
Right.
All things considered.
Magnum, your lunch is here.
I say, I didn't realize you had company.
Lunch? Gee, Higgins.
How thoughtful.
You shouldn't have.
Precisely what I told Dr lbold but he insists you be pampered like an invalid for the next few days.
Well, thank you very much, Higgins.
Pampering, I refuse to do but I am willing to help expand the shockingly narrow boundaries of your intellectual horizons.
That's very thoughtful but I Actually, both of you might find this of some interest.
It's from my memoirs.
It involves a fascinating experience that once happened to me in Alexandria, when I was forced to feign matrimony with not one but three daughters of a Bedouin prince.
As a young lance corporal who'd experienced but one major affaire de coeur in his 22 years, the prospect of an impending wedding eve with three hot-blooded Bedouin was indeed an awesome one.
Fortunately, as the youngest daughter doused the dying campfire and plunged our tent into pitch blackness, I recalled a relevant chapter from Rommel's classic treatise on tank warfare Perhaps one had to be there.
- Stop yelling! - I'm not yelling! I'm speaking loudly.
You're yelling.
Always did prefer your men like your cologne, cheap and splashy.
- You're not a member here.
- My wife is.
You can put it on their accounts.
Ta.
Marrying the boss's niece has advantages.
Anything you want or need, you just give me a little buzz.
Uncle Harry, what is going on? You and your new hubby are up the creek.
Dearly beloved, we have come together in the presence of God to witness and bless the joining of this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
Would you join hands, please? Will you have this man to be your husband, to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live? I will.
And will you have this woman to be your wife, to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live? I will.
The ring, please.
Now that this man and this woman have given themselves to each other, by solemn vow, by the joining of hands and by the giving and receiving of a ring, I pronounce that they are husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
I'm telling you, T.
C.
, he's sick, he needs help.
Needed help.
In case you didn't notice, the boy done said I do.
I tried talking to him like a buddy.
Would he listen? He wouldn't listen to anybody.
I called him 30 times.
Never returned one of my calls.
Not one.
Uh-huh.
To the late, great Thomas Sullivan Magnum.
May he rest in peace.
My God, Rick, how can you drink that swill? Malaria-infested Burmese swamp water was more palatable.
- Gee, Higgins, I kind of like it.
- That doesn't surprise me.
Nothing about this soiree surprises me.
Everything is so flawlessly vulgar.
Macaroni salad and plastic flowers.
But then one can hardly expect anything else from Harry MacKenzie.
Hey, lighten up, this guy is worth millions.
Clearly a blessed confirmation that breeding and class cannot be bought.
Thank the heavens.
You know something, Higgins? You're a snob.
I prefer to think of myself as civilized.
This is a class act, first class here.
Plastic champagne glasses, I rest my case and feel more confident than ever that Magnum will feel right at home with his new in-laws.
Wonderful.
Tom Marsha.
Oh, Tom, Tom.
Marsha.
Uncle Harry, everything is perfect.
Daddy would be so proud.
Honey, I promised my brother his little girl would have the very best of everything.
Ever since her daddy died, she's been like my own little girl.
I'd like to dance with her if you don't mind.
- Sure, Mr.
MacKenzie.
- Tom, please, call me Uncle Harry.
OK, Uncle Harry.
- Sure you don't mind? - No, it's just - Ready? - Yes.
It would appear you've made my sister very happy.
Well, I hope so.
She's made me very happy.
That's nice.
Marrying the boss's niece has advantages.
- Oh, Andy - No, no, no.
Andrew.
Not Andy, Andrew.
Look, Andrew, I did not marry the boss's niece.
I don't even work for your uncle.
You will.
You know my father died building this company? MacKenzie Enterprises is a family business.
- Always has been, always will be.
- I know.
- So you think that you can just come in - My boys, scheming already? Trying to figure out how to throw Uncle Harry out? I wouldn't count on it for the next half-century.
Don't count your chickens.
Nothing's for ever.
- Hello, Grandmother.
- And don't pout.
Your brother used to pout and it killed him.
Heart stopped, just like that.
Bad for the ticker.
Stand up, boy, you're slouching.
Bad for the liver.
Come on, they're playing our song.
- Bye.
- Nice boy.
It's good to have a new face in the family.
- Otto, they're here.
- Ja, ja, Greta.
I am hurrying.
Greta, Otto, what are you doing here? Your grandmother sent us to make perfect your love nest.
Greta and Otto work for Grandmother MacKenzie.
Otto, big Dummkopf, said you would be coming at six.
Six is what I was told.
No matter.
No matter.
So very beautiful.
And such a handsome husband.
Me, I have Dummkopf.
Take the bags inside.
- Oh, thank you.
- Schnell, schnell.
Oh, I'll get the door.
Thank you very much.
- This is Uncle Harry's wedding gift? - Yes, good old Uncle Harry.
- Aren't you forgetting something? - Uh? - The threshold.
- Ah.
- Oh, isn't this lovely? - Champagne.
Oh, how nice.
Ja.
Gut.
The bags are in the bedroom, the first room on the left.
Dinner is cooking, champagne is cooling and We are going.
- Bye.
- Thanks.
Bye-bye.
I thought they would never leave.
The threshold, don't you think that was a bit much? - Isn't that how it's done? - Sure.
In 1947.
Oh! Watch out! Oh, you big klutz! I didn't do anything.
I was standing here.
Do you have any idea how much this dress cost? Hey, it was an accident.
I'm sorry.
I should have known, big body, little brain.
- This is not gonna be easy.
- Brilliant deduction.
Look, don't you think that we could try to be a little understanding, otherwise we'll be at each other's throat? - Don't you threaten me.
- That is not a threat.
- Stop yelling! - I'm not yelling! I'm speaking loudly! - You're yelling! - Hey, will you two knock it off? This is a nice neighborhood.
You two are beginning to sound like you actually are married.
I'd rather be dead.
Primo stuff, 22 bucks a case.
It smells like a poker game in here.
- Harry, you're getting ash all over the floor.
- Relax, it's a rental.
I have to live here.
I'd prefer it didn't look like a frat house.
Look, you and I decided on this plan together.
You decided, and for some reason, which still escapes me, I accepted.
For the company, honey.
I married that bozo Bruce for love.
This isn't going to work any better than that.
Au contraire.
Andy went for it, hook, line and sinker.
And now, in the spirit of nepotism that made this country great, I'm gonna make my new nephew-in-law a vice president of the company, in charge of plant operations.
He can look into every nook and cranny and nobody'll get suspicious.
Right.
If Andrew buys this situation, then it's a good cover.
When do you think he'll make a move? If I knew that, I wouldn't need you.
Once I discovered the losses, I analyzed our records for nearly a year.
There's been a loss every month, except this one.
I've got almost $8 million worth of computers in that warehouse and Andy's gonna go for it and when he does, I'm gonna catch that snake with his hand in the cookie jar.
If he does it.
You start tomorrow.
Snoop around the company.
Use your private eye contacts.
- Private investigator.
- Who cares? Just find out where he's gonna fence that stuff and, more importantly, when.
Now, listen, you two.
Andy is no dummy.
He'll keep his eyes on you, so I want you to be happily married 24 hours a day.
That shouldn't be too hard.
- Speak for yourself.
- Marsha, put a lid on it.
I'm beat.
Which bedroom do you want? There's only one bedroom, mine.
Wait.
Where am I supposed to sleep? Anywhere you like except the bedroom or bathroom.
Hey, look, maybe we both ought to decide who's going to sleep where, draw up a schedule, take turns.
Sort of domestic democracy, that's fair, right? Good morning.
You need a shave.
I also need a sink.
I think I saw one in the kitchen.
Agh! Oh! Fascinating.
Is it a masculine morning ritual? It's called shaving in the sink with a toaster for a mirror.
You oughta try it.
What on earth for? Look, you've cut yourself, clumsy.
- I'm lucky I didn't slit my throat.
- We're due at the club at nine for breakfast.
The office at ten.
Dress.
I want to leave in 15 minutes.
Don't you ever say please? Would you hurry up? Could be worse.
We could really be married.
We're not.
You know, I sort of got the idea that you've got a thing about marriage.
The only problem I have with marriage is the man who comes with the deal.
Oh.
I grew up in a family full of men.
I washed them, I fed them and I dressed them.
I escaped by marrying a man who was supposedly full grown.
Bruce the bozo.
I ended up washing, feeding and dressing him too.
Let me do that.
Now I work almost entirely with men.
Most of them act like they're about four.
If I'm not careful, they'll have me taking care of them too.
So I decided there's only one person I'm going to take care of.
- Let me guess, you.
- Me.
Now, amazing what a shower and a shave will do for a man.
A cold shower.
We ran out of hot water.
We are late, Mr.
Magnum.
Come on.
As long as we're pretending to be married, don't you think we ought to be on a first-name basis? Maybe we can call each other sweetheart or honey once in a while.
Rico, whoa.
Rico! Cool it with the buzz saw, will you? No more blended drinks.
There's something immoral about gin fizzes at nine in the morning.
- This is an outrage.
- No, Higgins.
If you were inside my head What an extraordinarily depressing thought.
- What's the problem? - Problems, plural.
First there's a car parked in my space, a Jaguar, gold.
And the Ornithological Society's monthly breakfast is scheduled for this morning in the rainbow room.
Another group has forced its way into the room.
Stop bobbing your head like a car ornament and tell me who's responsible for this.
Hi, Rick.
Hi, Higgins.
Could you send someone to the rainbow room? - We're ready to order.
- Order, in the rainbow room? What the hell do you think you're doing? You're not a member.
That's right, but my wife is.
So's my uncle-in-law, my brother-in-law and my grandmother-in-law.
So, until I'm a full-fledged member, you can put it on their accounts.
Ta.
- I don't believe it.
- Sit down and button your trap, Andrew.
I will not, Grandmother.
Somebody has to put his foot down.
His foot? That is just a figure of speech, Marsha.
Don't start playing sexual politics, OK? Andrew, I forbid you to use that word in the presence of ladies.
Or a gentleman.
Gentleman? Oh, oh, oh.
I have done some checking up on this gentleman.
- Andrew, he is my husband.
- That's hardly a stellar recommendation.
That's just like you, Andrew.
You always were a little sneak.
- Now, now, Andy's got a perfect right - It's Andrew, Uncle Harry.
- And don't patronize me.
- Shut up, boys.
- The men in this family are such whiners.
- Mother New blood's the answer.
- Fresh genes.
- Andrew, you are being petty.
I'm being responsible to this business and this family.
Mr.
Magnum doesn't seem to know anything about business or responsibility.
I'm sure he's a fast learner.
Aren't you a fast learner, Timothy? - It's Thomas, Grandmother.
- Thomas? Thomas who? Thomas Magnum, whose naval career was destroyed when he resigned his commission, who has drifted ever since he arrived in the islands and done nothing except live off the largesse of Robin Masters and who plays at being a second-rate private eye.
Private investigator.
Basically, a guy who likes a fast buck and a quick thrill.
But you always did prefer your men like your cologne, cheap and splashy.
- Andrew! - Pig! - Idiot.
- Now, shut up, the both of you.
Sit down.
Sorry, Tom, they're like oil and water, always were, always will be.
Uncle Harry, you cannot allow this beach bum to become a vice president.
- Beach bum? - Andrew! - Timothy's a member of the family.
- He's not a member of my family.
I wouldn't let him be a janitor at MacKenzie, much less a vice president.
- Mr.
Magnum? - Huh? You're already here.
I'm Miss Lodato, your secretary.
Hi.
You took me by surprise.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is all kind of new to me.
That's what I'm here for, to show you the ropes.
And anything you want or need, you just give me a little buzz.
- Well, thanks, Miss? - Lodato.
- But I prefer to be called Mary Jane.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Miss Lodato.
I see you've met Mary Jane.
She's cute, isn't she? Look but don't touch.
Company policy.
Besides, you are married, remember that? It's always on my mind.
As soon as you're settled in, start checking around.
The sooner we can finish with this charade, the better.
- You got it, boss.
- No.
8 is where the inventory is stored.
Check the security system there first.
- Right.
- And be careful.
After this morning, Andrew is bound to be suspicious.
Oh, you do care.
When I write my book on how to be an ace private investigator, one of the first chapters will be on family squabbles.
There's a thousand variations but the MacKenzies were a classic combination of money, power and sibling rivalry.
A pretty potent mix.
The nice thing about cases like these, though, was how easily they unraveled once you find the right thread to pull.
Nine times out of ten, everything boiled down to ruffled feathers and hot air.
That's why Uncle Harry's hot air and Andrew's ruffled feathers didn't concern me too much.
With a little luck, I figured I'd have everyone kissing, making up and maybe even living happily ever after.
There, there, Mr.
Magnum.
Now, don't move.
That's right.
Just relax.
No You mustn't do that.
Such a big bump.
The pillow should be under his feet.
His head needs more blood than his big toe.
Excuse me.
Congratulations.
In just three hours, you have ruined everything.
- Ruined everything? - If you weren't so obvious about it - Obvious? Wait a minute - You've blown our cover because of it.
Fine.
If that's the case, then we can stop playing house, I can go back to being a private detective, which is exactly what I should have been in the first place.
Uhh.
Let me see.
Let me see.
If you're going to keep shouting, this is gonna get worse, so lie down.
Lie down.
I didn't realize.
Is that better? Well, at least this bump tells us we're on the right track, doesn't it? And you're wrong.
Our cover isn't exactly blown.
I'm wrong? I didn't say that.
You said that.
I think it's even more important now that we protect it, so that you can continue with this investigation.
What's wrong? Nothing.
I was wondering what you were planning on doing.
- Besides just lying here.
- I'm not just lying here.
A good private investigator's always doing something.
Such as? Yes? - It's Rick.
- Ah.
See? Always doing something.
Yeah, Rick.
Great.
What have you got? Good.
Listen, can you and T.
C.
Come over tonight about seven? Yeah, bring some beer and some chips.
OK.
- They're coming to our house tonight? - Rick's got something for us.
Well, I think you could have asked me first.
You know, Uncle Harry ought to be there too Checked with you first? What about? - What's wrong now? - Nothing.
Nothing.
I just hope we have enough for five.
Enough what? Here you are.
Now, this isn't exactly French but there is some white wine in it somewhere.
Now, don't be polite.
Go ahead and eat.
Um, I hate to mix business with pleasure but Tom tells me you came up with something.
Yeah, there's this guy Ice Pick, tells me that someone's been looking for a buyer with big bucks to handle a computer deal.
That's got to be our stuff.
I'll bet my life.
That's a good bet.
I kept digging.
I came up with a name.
Mm.
- Andy MacKenzie.
- I knew it.
- Any buyers? - Not yet.
Then we'll provide one.
Do you think Ice Pick can set up a buy with Andy and a rich criminal from the mainland? Yeah, he could set it up for a price.
That's it.
There's our sting.
We'll set up the fake buy.
Get Andy to tip his hand and we catch him in the act.
- Could work.
- It's got to work.
That's the only way I'm gonna get that sneaky twerp.
Of course, we need one or two persons who could pose as the buyers.
Wait a minute, before you even consider a bad idea, you can count us out.
Hey, come on! I never even mentioned you guys.
Of course it's not a bad idea.
It's worse than bad.
It's terrible.
Nothing personal but we've been down the road too many times before with Thomas.
So I thank you for the dinner but we've got to go.
Suppose I told you I'd pay you Now, if that's all settled how about some more casserole? Hi.
It's the original Gunga Din, just started.
Grab a seat.
I can barely hear it.
That way I won't hear it at all, which is the idea.
- Bad idea.
- I want to go to sleep.
So go to sleep.
I plan to.
- Wait a minute.
Give me that.
- No.
I need to sleep.
What are you doing? What are you doing? You kissed me.
I kissed you? Oh! That's typically male.
Why would I want to kiss you? I don't know but it's nothing to get upset about.
I'm not upset.
Me either.
As a matter of fact, I kind of enjoyed it.
Typically male, I guess.
It's all set for dawn.
Rick and T.
C.
Are gonna drive up in the truck.
Andrew apparently has someone on the gate to let them in.
You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.
That's 300 you owe me.
Now you putt first this time.
I'll be in the back of the truck.
I'll squash Andy like a bug on a windshield.
What am I supposed to be doing, my nails? You stay out of this.
After what Andy's done, we can't be too careful.
I don't care.
I'm vice president of this company.
I'm going with you.
No, you're not.
It could be dangerous.
And you're both immune because you're men, right? You stop speeding bullets with your bare hands and leap tall buildings with a single bound, that sort of thing? You're beginning to sound like your grandmother.
That's fine with me.
Being married to her would give a whole new meaning to the word divorce.
That's 400 you owe me.
I got to go lie to a banker.
I'll talk to accounting about deducting 400 from your salary.
Well Someone once said you are what you eat.
Now, that's true but I also figure you are where you live too.
There's a lot to the old adage, "Home, sweet home.
" It's comfortable, familiar, secure, sort of like a good pair of shoes that really fit.
That's why a couple days in the love nest started driving me up the walls.
It just wasn't me.
So I figured I'd sneak off and have a couple of hours to myself, a little domestic R&R, totally alone.
- Touchdown, Southern Call - Except for the SC-Notre Dame game.
Higgins, look, I didn't mean to bother you.
Look, I can explain everything.
It's not Mr.
Higgins but don't let that keep you from explaining.
What are you doing here? How did you get in? Well, since you took our car, I took a cab.
And after calling Rick and T.
C.
And every disreputable gin mill in Honolulu, that left this.
Then I simply told Mr.
Higgins I was looking for my husband.
You woke him up? Wait a minute.
I am not your husband.
He was absolutely livid that you had broken in here but we both decided I should take care of the matter.
- How could you do this? - Do what? How could you be so incredibly insensitive? I mean, I wake up in the middle of the night and you're gone.
There's no note, no phone call, just an empty house.
I couldn't sleep and there was a replay of the football game on cable, so So? So you just walked out? You make it sound like I abandoned you.
- Well, what do you call it? - I don't call it anything.
No, of course not.
And you can just come and go whenever you please.
Marsha, look, you can come and go whenever you please too.
Day or night, around the clock, I don't care.
Well, I mean I do care, sort of, in the right way.
I mean, we're in this together.
Yes and it's not over yet.
In case you've forgotten, you work for me, us, 24 hours a day.
And since we are meeting Rick and T.
C.
In just a few hours, I suggest we get some rest.
You're not actually gonna eat that? Well, yeah, actually, I was.
Rancid, decaying animal flesh with harmful chemicals and additives, that's terrible.
Awful.
I'll fix you something good when we get home.
Eggs Romanoff, that's what I'll make.
That's got caviar and capers and green onions.
Or maybe that's red onions.
I don't know, whatever.
I've never made it before but the recipe sounds really good This is the last time you pick a disguise for me.
But it is perfect, Orville.
I am representing oil money from the Sheik of Yahoo and you're his son.
If I'm the son of a sheik, how come I'm driving a truck? If anybody asks, blame OPEC.
Tom, it's Rick.
How's it going back there? I'm bouncing off the walls, Rick.
Can you take it easy? How's Marsha? Having the time of her life.
All right, we'll be there in five minutes.
Look, why don't you sit down? You're not going to get dirty.
No, I'll stand up.
Agh! Oh! I think we're here.
Thomas, we're here.
We don't see nothing.
He's probably inside, Rick.
You go ahead, we'll follow.
- You all right? - Yes, I'm all right.
I'm all right.
- Rick! Rick! - What? Better come down here.
Something's wrong.
- It's empty.
- It sure as hell is.
We've been hoping you guys would show up for the rest.
- The rest? - Wait.
There's some mistake.
Sure as hell been a mistake, buddy boy, and it's yours and his.
I knew it.
I knew something like this was gonna happen.
- What are you doing here? - I was about to ask you the same thing.
Uncle Harry, what is going on? It looks like you and your new hubby are up the proverbial creek, without a paddle.
Take 'em away, boys.
- You really did it this time, Thomas.
- I told you, if you'd just let me explain.
- Don't explain.
- Forget it, Thomas.
It looks worse than it is.
How could it look any worse? We're in jail looking at two to ten for grand theft.
I told you getting married was a big mistake.
Ah! But that's the point, see? At least one of them, see? I didn't actually get married.
Well, I did but not really.
Getting married is like getting pregnant, you do or you don't.
It's real simple, Rick, if you'll just let me explain.
Marsha discovered somebody stealing from the company but she didn't know who.
Now, Uncle Harry knew, because he's the bad guy but he pointed the finger at Andrew and then he hired me to come in and catch him but he set up this whole sting thing to make it look like I ripped off the company.
It's pretty clever, huh? And it almost worked too, except that I figured it out and that's when Andrew, Marsha and I came up with this idea about a sting on a sting, which meant we had to let Harry's sting seem to work, so that we could sting him.
And it worked.
What worked? In case you haven't noticed, genius, we're the ones that are in jail.
The only thing we have done wrong is be dumb enough to listen to you.
Relax, guys, we're gonna get out of here real soon.
Yeah well, real soon better come real quick.
Don't tell me.
It's the city jail thespians doing a scene from Riot In Cell Block 11.
The final resting place after a sordid life of crime.
- Higgins, there's been a mistake.
- His.
You got to get us out of here.
That's easier said than done.
Bail has been denied.
- Denied? - Relax, guys.
He's not in on the plan.
Andrew explained everything to the DA.
We're gonna be here forever.
They're probably letting Marsha out right now.
Trust me.
It's all part of the plan.
- We had to give Uncle Harry some time.
- To do what? To get away.
Or think that he was getting away.
How extraordinarily bizarre, Magnum.
You cannot walk into the middle of something like this and expect to understand it.
If you let me explain.
Shut up! Thomas, we got here as quickly as we could.
No problem, we're right on schedule.
How'd it go? He didn't suspect a thing.
They had the truck out an hour before you got there.
We followed him to pier 40.
- Thomas, what is going on? - I'll explain on the way.
- Explain on the way? Forget it.
- We ain't going nowhere with you.
OK, if that's the way you feel.
You see that? He didn't know what to do.
Of course, because he knew he couldn't do a thing.
Hey! Ha! Look here, man, I'm starving.
Let's go get some lunch.
Good idea.
It's locked.
It's locked! - Guard! - Hey! Yoo-hoo! Hey, guard, help! Hey, somebody come back here! Why did you pull it shut like this? It's locked like this.
- Hey, Higgie, this door is locked.
- There's some mistake.
- Yeah, so go get the jailer or something.
- I could be persuaded to do so.
What do you mean "persuaded"? - Higgins, you wouldn't.
- Oh, you couldn't.
Use of your aerial services Saturday and Sunday for a month including petrol.
A month! Man, that is robbery.
- 40 hours of bookkeeping services.
- You've got to be kidding.
And the rainbow room belongs to the Ornithological Society the last Thursday of every month for the next year regardless of who wants it.
Fat chance.
That's the last straw.
He can do it to Magnum but not us.
OK! Done.
- I'll check inside.
- And I'm supposed to wait here? Marsha, I am the professional.
I do this for a living.
Big deal.
I'll go and you wait here.
We'll all go.
What is so complicated about putting your head inside a trailer? Now I know how this may look but there's an explanation.
There's been a serious mistake.
There sure has been.
At first we thought it was Andy Nothing personal, kid.
When Andy didn't show up, the cops thought Tom and Marsha were involved.
I talked to those idiots but they wouldn't listen.
Shut up, Harry.
We all know precisely what happened.
- You do? - It was pretty nifty, Uncle Harry.
Your only mistake was forgetting your nephew's name is Andrew.
And that's Andrew, Uncle Harry, not Andy.
You prefer Andrew? Hey, you've got it.
Andrew MacKenzie, got a great ring.
I love it.
Since you're the only family member that calls him Andy, when Ice Pick said Andy MacKenzie was looking for buyers, I knew you planted his name and set up this cute sting.
Why, that's ridiculous.
This is a family business.
I'm the president.
I can do anything I want.
You're president because I've allowed you to be.
My 51 ยบ% of MacKenzie runs this business.
And from this moment on, you're fired.
The whole board's got to sit down and discuss this.
Well, since the whole board is right here, we'll have a meeting right now.
All those in favor of booting this little worm out on his worthless tail, say aye.
Aye.
Opposed? Unanimous.
Now, that takes care of family business.
There's just one little thing, the criminal charges.
Such as fraud.
- And theft.
- Attempted murder.
What are you talking about? Those boxes missed you.
That was a warning.
Tell it to the police.
They're on their way.
Harry! Uncle Harry, stop! Are you just going to stand there? - You said the police are on their way.
- What if they miss him? Grandmother, Andrew, in the car.
Wait a minute.
No.
Wait.
Stop.
You don't have to stop him.
Let the police do that.
That's what they're paid for.
Marsha, you've been watching too many detective shows.
- Are you coming? - No, I'm not coming.
OK, wait.
I'm coming.
I don't know why I'm coming but I'm coming.
I haven't had such a good ride in a long time.
The forklift.
Look out for the forklift! Will you slow down? Ohh! Marsha, you're gonna kill us all.
You drive like you cook! Stop it, Andrew.
The guy with the lights and the siren, that's a cop.
That's the police.
The police.
Do you want me to spell it? Hi, guys.
I think I can explain everything.
Tho Thomas! Hi.
You scared me.
- What happened to you? - Whiplash.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
No, it's fine.
Honest.
I'm just kidding.
It's all better, see? - Just gives me leverage with Higgins.
- Are you sure? Yeah, it's all better.
I was just giving you a hard time.
Well, I stopped by because I never got a chance to thank you for everything you did.
That's OK.
It's just part of the job.
Also you left some things at the cottage.
Oh, my shaving kit.
You can't be without that, can you? And these are yours, aren't they? Wouldn't get married without 'em.
Well, I guess I made a pretty rotten wife, huh? Well, I didn't make such a hot husband.
I guess this relationship stuff takes a lot of practice.
It's like golf for me.
No matter how much I practice, I never seem to break 100.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah, I sure do.
- Well - Hey.
We didn't do so bad after all, you know, all things considered.
Right.
All things considered.
Magnum, your lunch is here.
I say, I didn't realize you had company.
Lunch? Gee, Higgins.
How thoughtful.
You shouldn't have.
Precisely what I told Dr lbold but he insists you be pampered like an invalid for the next few days.
Well, thank you very much, Higgins.
Pampering, I refuse to do but I am willing to help expand the shockingly narrow boundaries of your intellectual horizons.
That's very thoughtful but I Actually, both of you might find this of some interest.
It's from my memoirs.
It involves a fascinating experience that once happened to me in Alexandria, when I was forced to feign matrimony with not one but three daughters of a Bedouin prince.
As a young lance corporal who'd experienced but one major affaire de coeur in his 22 years, the prospect of an impending wedding eve with three hot-blooded Bedouin was indeed an awesome one.
Fortunately, as the youngest daughter doused the dying campfire and plunged our tent into pitch blackness, I recalled a relevant chapter from Rommel's classic treatise on tank warfare Perhaps one had to be there.