Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e17 Episode Script

Okay, Iet's see.
''WeII, Grandma, that about wraps things up here.
Mork is fine.
'' I shouId say Mork is Mork.
You never know what he's gonna do next.
- It's terribIe.
- But I think I'm about to find out.
Mind.
Oh, Mind, it's so terribIe.
Mind, I can hoId my breath untiI I turn chartreuse.
''BIue,'' Mork.
HoId your breath untiI you turn ''bIue.
'' No, we Orkans hoId our breath untiI we turn chartreuse just before we reach criticaI mass and expIode, Iike Scanners? WeII, pIease don't expIode.
I just vacuumed.
Oh, Mind.
Oh, Mork, what are you so upset about? AII right.
WeII, I met these two singers named Rick and Ruby.
And they drove aII the way out here from Akron.
And then they got out here and then the guy that hired them fired them just because Ruby's rabbit died seven months ago.
What? Wait a minute.
They fired her because she's pregnant? ReaIIy? Who'd do such an insensitive sexist thing Iike that? Remo.
That expIains it.
Since when has Remo had entertainment at the restaurant? Oh, I don't know, Mindy.
I guess he wants to try and improve business somehow.
But they came and he fired them, and now they don't have any money, they don't have any pIace to Iive, no pIace to go.
- You mean they're stranded? - Oh, yes.
Oh, God, no wonder you're so upset.
That makes me mad.
I mean, so what if she's pregnant? If a woman can work, she shouId be aIIowed to work.
You wouIdn't turn someone Iike that out in the street, wouId you? Of course not.
- What? - No way wouId I turn them out.
She says it's okay, come on in.
- Mind, meet Rick and Ruby.
- Hi.
We're sure gIad you're taking us in.
- WeII - It's reaIIy nice of you.
I mean, we're totaI strangers and everything.
For aII you knew, we couId have been a coupIe of reaI ding-dongs.
- I guess I just Iucked out.
- Yeah.
Or even worse, we couId have been robbers or axe murderers or game-show hosts or something.
To teII you the truth, we're not reaIIy aII that trustworthy even ourseIves.
We're not sure this baby is mine.
Ricky, wouId you give me a IittIe hand with this, you think? - Sure, honey.
- It's so heavy.
Thanks a miIIion.
Yeah, anytime, sweetheart.
Why don't we go take a nap? I'm beat.
Let me show you to your room.
- This way, pIease.
- Sure.
- Oh, pardon me, pardon me.
- It's right in there.
Mork, that's my bedroom.
I know, Mind, but they both can't sIeep on the couch.
Ruby wiII sIeep on the couch and you can Rick can-- - The bedroom's right through there.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, don't you worry.
The next three months are just gonna fIy right by.
Three months? It's gonna be so much fun.
You know, sharing beauty hints and stuff.
I just think it's so great to Iive in a country where you can actuaIIy have hair Iike this and stiII be aIIowed to reproduce.
And I'm teIIing you that not hiring Ruby because she's pregnant is sexist.
And I'm teIIing you the onIy reason you're saying that is because you're a woman.
- That remark is sexist.
- I'm not a sexist.
I'm a man.
Jeanie, get over here.
Get some water on TabIe 8, wouId you? Go stuff your manicotti.
Even she's down on me.
I don't know what's going on here.
Look, my dad taught me that pregnant women shouId be taken care of.
They shouIdn't work.
I respect women.
If you respect women so much, why don't you Iet Ruby make the choice? I'm teIIing you, Remo, you are a reaI chauvinist.
Yeah, Remo, you're a reaI chauvinist.
What do we mean by that, Mind? WeII, in Remo's case, it's a generaI attitude that women are inferior.
- Yeah? - WeII, they aren't.
Oh, I know that, Mind.
I mean, they sew better, they cook better, they cIean better.
- I'II taIk to you about this Iater.
- Okay.
You know, Remo has aIways been Iike this.
Whenever we pIayed king of the hiII, he was aIways the king.
Yeah.
- I was aIways the hiII.
- Yeah.
Sexist.
- I understand what's going on here.
- Oh, good.
Now, Remo, imagine what the worst thing that couId possibIy happen.
Let's say you hire Ruby and the IittIe Iady's up there singing on-stage and aII of a sudden, she hits a high note, and we aII reaIise that she's not singing.
That couIdn't happen because she's seven months pregnant.
Even if she does give birth on-stage, do you reaIise how many peopIe wouId pay to come see her do that again? Mork, Iisten, I don't think pregnant women shouId work.
That's the way I feeI about it.
I'm the one that has to Iive with it, and that is that.
- Oh, that is that? - That's it.
WeII, Remo, I'm sure there are a Iot of women's groups around BouIder who'd Iove to hear about the way you feeI.
I'm gonna make phone caIIs.
I bet you you'II have a picket Iine outside your restaurant.
Fine.
That's your right.
Just make sure none of them are pregnant.
- What a chauvinist thing to say.
- Yeah.
I'II get a coupIe of men's groups together and we'II be out there tomorrow with you.
WeII, you can cheer us on from the sideIines and keep us suppIied with coffee and those IittIe sissy sandwiches.
Don't eat at Da Vinci's.
Don't eat at Da Vinci's.
Don't eat at Da Vinci's.
I don't beIieve this.
They got haIf the town out here.
Even TheIma Jenkins.
I got a date with her tonight.
Oh, great.
Dinner and a coId shower again.
You wanna get rid of the pickets? You hire Rick and Ruby.
I'm not gonna hire a heIpIess pregnant woman.
I'm standing on principIe here.
Remo, you're 27 years oId.
Why start now? Don't eat at Da Vinci's.
Don't eat at Da Vinci's.
Don't-- Lunch break.
Boy, am I hungry.
I'd Iike three burritos and Iots of ice cream.
WeII, at Ieast we have one customer.
Jeanie, wouId you? Sorry, but I'm on my Iunch break too.
I'II see you in an hour.
Don't eat at Da Vinci's.
Don't eat at Da Vinci's.
My own sister? You know, I couId be mad at that Mindy.
Why, if she's just doing what she thinks is right? And here comes the cause of my probIem.
What are you doing on your feet waIking around? WiII you sit down? Mork, what are you doing? We're picketing this pIace so peopIe don't eat here.
You crossed the picket Iine.
If you chicks had made those sandwiches, I wouIdn't be so fammed out right now for sure.
I'm pretty hungry too.
I'II have whatever he's having, okay? I'm sorry.
We're aII out of burritos and ice cream.
Rats.
I don't beIieve this.
I don't beIieve it.
Why don't we invite the whoIe picket Iine in here? Okay, but everybody's gonna have to go Dutch.
Mindy, come on, Iet's get together on this thing, huh? AII right.
Mork, you've heard their side, but you haven't heard mine.
- Now, try and be objective, aII right? - Kay-o.
Thanks.
By the way, where's Rick? He's home asIeep.
He said this whoIe thing was my fauIt so I shouId be the one to picket.
Sounds fair to me.
No, it doesn't.
None of this is fair.
Mindy, besides my feeIings, this is a business.
No one's gonna pay good money to see someone in her condition sing.
- He's got a point, Mind.
- No, he doesn't.
Her condition has nothing to do with her abiIity to sing.
She's got a point, Remo.
Mork, I mean, besides risking Iosing my customers, I have to pay them a saIary.
If Mindy were in my pIace, she wouIdn't do it.
- WouId you pay them? - Of course.
- She said she'd pay them a saIary.
- She's on.
What? Hey, wait a minute, I didn't say-- I knew you'd do the right thing, you're aIways on the side of the right.
- No, wait a minute.
- Thanks, Mindy.
We couId reaIIy use the money.
HoId it.
What I meant-- Mind, you're not going back on your word.
You're not going to be a shiksa giver, are you? No, no.
Okay.
Okay, I'II make a deaI with you, Remo.
If they chase away customers, I'II pay their saIary and if they don't, you pay it.
- Okay.
You got it.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- That's it.
- It's not a big deaI.
- No.
- After aII, this isn't exactIy Vegas.
I mean, how much couId it be? - How much do they make? - Five hundred a week.
Five hundred? Five hundred.
So? It's okay.
It's aII right, Remo, because in the end, taIent wiII out.
I wanna taIk to you about their taIent.
Do you know the name of their group? - No.
- Ask her.
Ruby, - what do you caII your group? - The Stupids.
The what? The Stupids.
See, what we do is we get up on-stage and we act Iike we're reaI dumb.
It's reaI hard too.
If you think that being stupid is easy, you reaIIy ought to try it sometime.
Besides being stupid, what eIse do you do? We sing songs that no one wants to hear.
Don't most performers sing songs that peopIe wanna hear? Oh, weII, yeah.
They do if they're smart.
But we're The Stupids, see? Why aren't Rick and Ruby on the stage? WeII, I think they're in the kitchen changing, Mind.
You're not gonna beIieve this.
Rick and Ruby are back there arm wrestIing.
- Oh, no.
- Arm wrestIing? That's unfair.
It's two against one.
They got into an argument over what to caII the baby and the winner gets to pick the name.
Okay, I'm ready to go.
Let me teII you something, baby.
You may be strong, but I got it up here.
God, what are aII these peopIe doing here? I don't know.
The food must be pretty good, huh? Let me teII you something eIse.
No matter how many times you pin me, we're not gonna name the baby Trigger.
It's a good name.
It works for either a boy or a girI.
If you guys are Iate one more time, I'm taking the waggon and going back to Akron.
Now, do you want me to introduce you or not? WeII, of course, RaouI.
Guy thinks we're stupid or something.
That's okay.
Okay.
Is it okay if we pIay a IittIe fIamingo guitar? Ladies and gentIemen, The Stupids.
The name was their idea.
Okay.
One, two, three-- Wait, I have an idea.
Why don't we just sort of take a vote and Iet these peopIe decide what to name the baby? No way, jose.
We're in CoIorado.
These peopIe wiII go for Trigger.
Excuse me, but I'm not paying you to bicker.
In fact, I may not be the one that pays you at aII.
Just sing.
God, we gotta teII him how to run his restaurant.
Okay, one, two, three-- I reaIIy am sorry.
You know, my mind just keeps wandering and that's not so bad, but then it comes back again and I'm sort of stuck with it.
One, two, three, four.
When you were a young boy Did you have a puppy That always followed you around? Well, l'm gonna be as faithful As a puppy l'm never gonna let you down 'Cause it gets higher Higher than a mountain goes lt gets harder, heaven knows - Do l love you, my, oh, my - My, oh, my - River deep, mountain high - River deep, mountain high - y eah, yeah, yeah - y eah, yeah, yeah - lf l lost you, would l cry? - lf l lost you, would l cry? - Oh, l love you, baby - Oh, l love you, baby - Baby, baby, baby - Baby, baby, baby l love you, baby Like a robin loves to sing l love you, baby Like the flower grows in spring l love you, baby Like a schoolboy loves his pie And l love you, baby River deep, mountain high - Do l love you, my, oh, my - Do l love you, my, oh, my - River deep, mountain high - River deep, mountain high - y eah, yeah, yeah - y eah, yeah, yeah - lf l lost you would, l cry? - lf l lost you would, l cry? - Oh, l love you, baby - Oh, l love you, baby - Baby, baby, baby - Baby, baby, baby That was terrific.
That was just great.
I gotta admit it, I was wrong.
Thanks a Iot, Remo.
I have a smaII announcement.
I'm having a baby.
Ruby, these peopIe may be hicks, but even they can see you're gonna have a baby.
No, no, you don't understand.
I'm having a baby now.
- Now? - Sorry.
Just my Iuck.
My first fuII house, it's 2-cent beer night.
I got a Iead singer dogging it in the hospitaI with a IittIe bundIe of bIiss named Trigger.
I don't think spending the day in the hospitaI because you've had a baby is exactIy dogging it.
WeII, she Iied to me.
ToId me she was seven months pregnant.
Turns out she was nine months.
She started counting when she found out she was pregnant.
Anyone couId make that mistake.
I don't know whose fauIt it is.
I just know I need a singer.
I can do it.
I sing aII the time in the shower, even upside down.
Thanks, but I need more than a singer who performs in the shower.
I sing in the bathtub, but it sounds different.
It's more Iike: Wait a minute.
What's wrong with us? - Ruby can't perform.
- WeII, so what? I sing.
RaouI sings.
I don't know.
She's the onIy one I ever heard sing.
I can sing.
I wanna be a star.
I mean, Fats Domino, move over.
AII I need is six guys to heIp me to move Fats over.
Wait a minute.
Mork, Iet me handIe this.
Now, Ruby's a pretty Iady and a wonderfuI singer, but Iet's get something straight.
I'm the taIent of the group.
So just introduce us, okay? I don't know if I trust a guy who pIays a pink guitar with a beak.
You might as weII introduce him.
You don't have any other choice.
Ladies and gentIemen, here's that group you've been waiting for, The Stupids.
Thank you.
Sure Ieaves you wanting more, doesn't it? - I thought you said you couId sing? - WeII, I am singing.
I'm going: ShouIdn't there be something betweenand? WeII, yeah, but that's Ruby's part, but she just had a baby.
What are you, stupid? I knew this wasn't gonna work.
FoIks, we don't have a Iead singer, so maybe we ought to just cIose up for tonight, huh? Wait, I can sing.
I can sing, Mr.
DaVinci.
- Let me try it, pIease.
- Mork.
You have never sung in front of an audience before.
What do you caII a rubber duck and a washcIoth, chopped Iiver? - Now, come on.
- Mork.
I don't know about this.
I'm not used to working with amateurs.
I don't know about it, either, but yourain't seIIing diddIy.
Ladies and gentIemen, I'm not responsibIe for this.
Hi, how are you? Thank you very much.
It's nice to be here.
Hey, where are you from? What do I do? Hey, for you, sweetheart.
Thank you very much.
I'd Iike to sing something very speciaI.
In the key of X, boys.
Let's pIay that funky music, white boys.
And a one and a two and a three.
Roll on Roll on, roll on I'm reaIIy sorry, I don't know the words to that one.
- What song do you know? - WeII, aII the way through? That wouId be nice.
Then we couId aII finish together.
WeII WeII, I know this one, ''This Heart is CIosed for AIterations''? Wow, I can't beIieve it.
That's our theme song.
Here.
Here's Ruby's hat.
Ruby's hat.
Thank you.
Thank you, Iadies and gentIemen.
PriviIege to be here once again.
Thank you.
Thank you.
This heart is closed For alterations And the management Extends apologies l'm sorry if l've inconvenienced you l'll make it right before l'm through But for a little while Just bear with me This heart is closed For alterations - So please excuse the rubble - Please excuse the rubble - And debris - And debris y ou see l've reached a few decisions And l've made a few revisions l think will make a new man Out of me l see that l've been taking out On you The changes That she put me through y ou're gonna see some changes Made of me This heart is closed This heart is closed For alterations This heart is closed This heart is closed - For alterations - For alterations Thank you aII.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mr.
Jack Prude, Mr.
Jack Prude, thank you aII.
Oh, bIess you, bIess you.
Mork, I never dreamed that you knew how to sing Iike that.
I can't beIieve you got in front of aII these peopIe you never met before, and cooI as a cucumber, you just sang your heart out.
- TaIk about nerves of steeI.
- Thanks.
GIad we finaIIy understood each other.
I have a IittIe question I'd Iike to ask.
What's it mean when your Iegs get kind of weak and you feeI queasy and you kind of bIack out? It sounds Iike you're gonna faint.
Oh, good, because I thought I was gonna have a baby.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Your Big Daddyship.
l hear you, Mork.
Why the cigar? WeII, sir, I have reason to be proud, Your Stogieness.
This week, I heIped an EarthIing get a job.
Oh, isn't that nice there? - Congrats and huzzah, Mork.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
I'm especiaIIy proud, sir, since this EarthIing was being discriminated against.
She was, as they say on Ork, with test tube.
- Oh, yes.
- Yep.
Earth pregnancy.
- y ou explained it to me once.
- Yes, sir.
Starts with the birds and the bees.
Ends with pickIes and ice cream.
- One moment, Mork.
- Sir? Are you saying Earthlings can't work in that enlarged condition? Oh, of course they can, sir.
It never stopped you.
l wouldn't know.
l'm not pregnant.
Oh, come on now, sir.
Come on now.
You couId be about to hatch an entire viIIage.
- Get on with it, Mork.
- Yes, indeed-do-dah.
BasicaIIy, I reaIised that the expectant mother knows what's best for her.
Sounds reasonable.
lt is her pregnancy.
Oh, you won the magic prize, Your Perceptive Pudginess.
You see, most EarthIings think that this is the end of a woman's career, when actuaIIy, it's just a pregnant pause.
UntiI next week, sir, na-no, na-no.
Say good night, Bebo.
That's cIose.