NewsRadio (1995) s03e17 Episode Script
Airport
Still no luck? No.
Nobody's answering the phones.
I thought that was what's-her-name's job, the redhead.
Bill, we've only been gone four days.
That's a little quick to start forgetting people's names.
Four days marooned in the vast cultureless wasteland between New York and Palm Springs will do that to a man.
She's probably on a conference call with her psychic and her therapist.
Does that work? Obviously not.
I'm sorry.
Sir They don't allow smoking inside the terminal.
Oh, it's for a medical condition.
I'm under a lot of stress right now.
There is a smoking area just a few gates down.
I'd be happy to show you where it is.
That's okay.
Say, do you fellas need some help with the phone? I'm sorry, we're on official business here.
You see, we're from New York City.
Maybe you've heard of it.
Bill, don't be rude.
Wow, New York City.
What brings you to St.
Louis, friend? The prospect of scintillating conversation with colorful locals like yourself.
Bill.
This isn't working.
Try Matthew's direct extension.
It's 5-5-3-8.
Did you get a chance to visit our Gateway Arch? Well, we had a chance, but there was a movie I'd already seen about seven times playing on pay-per-view in the hotel, so we decided to stay in.
Bill, what is wrong with you? He's just trying to be friendly.
I know.
It's just that four solid days of relentless Midwestern friendliness It just seems so unnatural.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hi, Mom.
DAVE: No, this isn't your mom.
It's-- It's me, Dave.
What are you doing at my Mom's house? She's the only one that has my direct line.
I'm not at your Mom's.
I'm at the airport in St.
Louis.
We're snowed in.
Why did you take my Mom to St.
Louis? What's goin' on? I'll explain that later.
What's--? What's the number for, uh, Lisa's direct line? Oh, hang on.
I'll transfer you over there.
No, don't transfer me.
Just give me the number.
Hold the line.
I'm transferring you.
No don't.
No.
No.
Don't-- And push "Hold.
" Don't.
Push "Transfer.
" Don't.
Push 5-5-4-9.
Don't.
And hang up.
Don-- Well, he cut me off.
What makes Matthew believe that even the simplest tasks are within his capabilities? Why didn't you tell me you had a cell phone? Ssh.
What--? I borrowed it from my friend here.
Dave, this is what's-his-name.
Oh, hi.
Thanks for helping us out.
Say, you don't sound like a New Yorker.
Oh, I'm originally from just outside of Milwaukee.
Really? Yeah.
I had a cousin who studied cattle husbandry at Wisconsin Agricultural.
Hey, who didn't? [LAUGHS WEAKLY.]
[LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
You get through yet? Ugh, sort of.
There are about 50 people on the line, but I think a "Madame Rosa" agreed to pass the message along to Beth.
Thanks, friend.
Now, where is that smoking lounge? Follow me.
Right behind you, chief.
Bill, what makes you assume that everyone from New York is automatically smarter than everyone from the Midwest? Oh, come on, Dave.
You know it's true.
MAN [ON PA.]
: Paging Matthew Brock's mother.
Will Matthew Brock's mother please pick up the white courtesy telephone? The exception that proves the rule.
[.]
BETH: Yes, Dave, I have everything written down.
Okay.
Bye.
Okay, you guys A few quick notes.
All right.
Okay, Dave and Bill are still stuck in the airport in St.
Louis.
Lisa, you get to be boss for a few more hours.
Joe, you're to prepare a short seminar for all office staff on how to properly transfer phone calls.
Oh, I can help you with that if you want.
Okay, and, Matthew, your mother is alive and well and not in St.
Louis? Oh, thank God.
I have to go to go to Bill's apartment and water his plants, which might take a while, because I have to do four days worth of watering all at once.
Now, wait.
There's nothing for me? No, I don't think--- Oh, hang on.
Silly me.
All the girls have to give Mr.
James a big kiss.
Well, that's more like it.
Mm! Thank you.
Mm! Thank you.
Mm-wah.
[SUCKING.]
Thank you, Matthew.
You know, Bill, there's nothing they can do about the fact that we're snowed in, so why don't we just sit down and wait patiently.
Sorry, my friend, I don't play that game.
[SIGHS.]
Please, don't make a scene.
We're not in New York.
We're not? You're kidding? Gee, and I almost mistook the Museum of Yarn for the Guggenheim.
Have you ever heard the expression that when life gives you lemons, you should just make lemonade? Hm? Great.
I knew it.
Four days in the Midwest and you've already reverted right back to what you were.
No, this is who I am, Bill.
I'm-- I'm a-a polite, reasonable, friendly person.
You're like one of those trained police attack-dogs they set loose in the wild and it goes all soft and gets eaten by a deer or something.
What? Have you ever heard the expression, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place? I just-- I wish you could be here long enough to get the full Midwestern experience.
Maybe another time.
That would be great, because I think a good hunting accident would really open up your mind.
So, what time does the movie start? Uh, 7:15.
Oh, perfect.
Meet you out front at 7? JOE: Sure.
I'll see you then.
Okay.
Hey, Jimmy.
Joe.
Hi, Jimmy.
Hi, sweetie.
Oh, here.
Here.
Have one of these.
Ooh, thanks.
It's cheese.
You're gonna love it.
[MURMURING.]
That's delicious.
Uh-huh.
[SPITS.]
Hi.
Hi.
Um, I finished that assignment sheet, if you wanna take a look at it.
There's no time for that now.
Is there anyway we can get ahold of Dave immediately? I've been handling his stuff.
Why don't you run it by me.
No.
I really need Dave on this one.
Well, sir, I would enjoy the opportunity to at least give it a shot.
You would "enjoy the opportunity"? Are you kidding me? I think you have the wrong idea about this.
You think it's fun being the boss? Yeah, actually for the past couple of days, I've been having a really good time, but I'm not in it for the fun.
Yeah.
What is it? [SIGHS.]
What? We on a stakeout? I think it's a little late for that now, don't you? Wha--? Would you just sit down? I'll tell you what's goin' on.
All right.
Here it is: Joe and Catherine are planning to go out on a date.
They must be stopped.
Why? 'Cause I don't like my employees getting romantically involved.
Well, what about me and Dave? No, I said romantically involved.
Tell you what Never mind.
Just-- Dave got his beeper on him? Look, I can-- I can handle that, sir.
I can handle it, even though it does seem incredibly hypocritical and not very logical I-I can do it.
I'm sorry.
Heh.
I'm used to workin' with Dave.
See, he's got a-- He's got a true gift for R.
L.
P.
What? Reconciling logical paradoxes.
What does that mean? I don't know.
Somethin' Dave keeps tellin' me about himself.
Okay.
Well, I'm on it.
All right.
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Here, have one of these.
See, uh, Dave eats this all the time.
It'll help.
Thank you, sir.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Okay.
Come on, Robin.
Oh Heh.
[FLIPS SWITCH, SOUL MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO.]
[FLIPS SWITCH.]
Oh, my God.
Bill is so cool.
All I'm saying is Interoffice dating just isn't a good idea.
Are you kidding me? We're just goin' to a movie.
It's not even a real date.
Huh? I-I mean, I can't really explain the logic behind it, but, um, how can I put this It's-- It's-- It's just bad.
Oh, well, look who's talking.
At least we don't make whoopee in the booth like you and Dave.
Dave and I do not make whoopee in the booth.
Whoa, hold on a sec.
Hold on.
What's "the booth"? How do ya--? What're you talking--? Oh, that booth.
Oh, I thought it was a new thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, anyways, Dave and I are different.
How? Because we didn't, you know go ondates to the movies.
No Because you two skipped all that and just jumped right into the sack before you even knew each other's names.
I'm willing to give that a shot, if that's more appropriate.
All right.
Just forget about it, you guys.
Forget about it.
We can talk about it later.
And we did so know each other's names.
Last names? That information was irrelevant at the time.
Mm-hm.
You got a problem? Look, if you can't handle this, why don't you get Dave on the phone, let him talk you through this, like when a stewardess has to land a plane.
I'm not a stewardess.
Okay, flight attendant.
Whatever.
All right.
Look, Mr.
James, I know I am not Dave, but I'm sure if you just give me a chance, you will be very satisfied with my results.
Mm-hm.
We're all gonna die.
How can I help you today, sir? Good afternoon.
You know, my friend and I have been frequent business flyers on your airline for over 10 years now.
We've only been up and running for six months, sir.
Don't try to confuse the issue with half-truths and gorilla dust.
I have no idea what that means either.
Well, the storm has taken us all by surprise and we're terribly sorry for any inconvenience.
I don't think you realize to whom you're speaking.
Well, I'm speaking with Bill McNeal of WNYX, of course.
Wow.
Apparently, my reputation precedes me.
No, it doesn't.
He's reading your nametag from the convention.
Sir, if you could please just step aside.
Oh, "Just step aside.
" Is--? Is that your new motto? No, but there's really nothing I can do about the 18 inches of snow on the ground outside.
Well, what about the 36 inches of B.
S.
inside? Anything you can do about that? Sorry, again, for the inconvenience, Mr.
McNeal.
And here are some pilot wings for you.
And a pair for your son.
Compliments of the airline.
This is the life, huh? No, this is not the life, Bill.
No.
You made a scene out there.
You embarrassed me.
You nearly reduced that ticket-counter guy to tears.
And for what? For this, my friend.
Salud.
And this is just the beginning.
Really? What's next? You gonna kneecap an old woman for her cocktail peanuts? No, my son.
Ouch.
Hm? You okay? Ouch, I've been injured by these pilot wings! Do you need a doctor? No, but I'm feeling lightheaded.
Do you have a shrimp cocktail on hand, perchance? Did you guys ever stop to think about how this might look to, you know? Who? The people upstairs? No.
To the higher-ups.
Oh, great, now the Trilateral Commission's trying to keep me from dating.
Wonderful.
Hey, kids.
CATHERINE: Hey, Jimmy, do you have a problem with Joe and I seeing a movie together? Only if it's that one where John Travolta plays an angel.
Boy, did that suck.
But it's cool if we go out on a date? JAMES: Way cool.
Yeah! Go ahead.
Knock yourselves out.
I want you to get out of here, you lovebirds.
Well, that certainly clears things up for us.
All right You have fun, now.
CATHERINE: All right.
Okay.
What happened here? You were supposed to take care of this.
[SIGHS.]
Even you have to admit It's kinda creepy.
What are you talking about? It's functional.
Oh, come on.
Seriously.
Let's say you're lying in bed, you decide you wanna read a book, what book you're gonna read? How 'bout this one right here? Oh.
Just get off the bed before you break it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're so annoying.
God.
Oh, my goodness.
This bed is probably very therapeutic for Bill's You know, he's got that lower-back problem.
Yeah, somehow I doubt that's its primary purpose.
What are you talking about? What else could this bed be used for? [SIGHS.]
Never mind.
Beth.
[SIGHS.]
What? Did I ever tell you, you've got really beautiful eyes? [GRUNTS.]
Oh, you're gettin' a little bit frisky.
[CLANG.]
Why didn't you back me up with them? Dave would never ask me to back him up.
Okay, is this some kind of weird test to see if I can handle being the boss? No.
Wait a minute.
Is it? No.
Wait a minute.
Dave would never ask me if this is some kind of weird test.
Okay, I am not Dave.
Dave wouldn't say that.
I can run the station, but I'm not going to run it exactly the way Dave does.
See, that's why it's probably so hard for you.
No, It's hard for me becauseyou're insane.
Dave wouldn't say that.
No, but he thinks it.
Really? All the time.
[SIGHS.]
I love that funny little guy.
Here we go, fellas.
Two prime cuts of Omaha beef, with our compliments.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Just one more thing Ah, yes, sir? I ordered French fries, not frozen potato planks placed in the general vicinity of some warm grease.
Take these back and fry them please.
Sorry, sir, we'll get right on it.
[SIGHS.]
These people think they can buy me off with their niceness.
Cretins.
Bill, I don't understand.
What is it about a friendly face that makes you so hostile? I'm just cautious.
Experience has taught me that every toothy grin hides an extra row of teeth.
Well, look, have--? Have you ever heard this expression that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar? Have you ever heard the expression "Only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies"? All right, fine.
Look, just as a concession to me, and this strange land in which you find yourself, why don't you just try to fake a little friendliness? Fake friendliness Mm-hm.
I like it.
What a diabolical little plan.
I think we got it now.
Hey, this is perfect.
Can you do me just one more favor? Anything.
Give me your hand.
You, sir, are a credit to your profession.
A towering figure in the food-service pantheon.
That'sthe nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Well, you deserve it, sir.
Kudos to you.
And kudos again.
Hey, you know what I think there's an extra bottle of champagne back there.
Would--? Would you fellas like some of that? Now, that would be just terrificky-whiffic.
Coming right up.
You've opened up a whole new world to me.
[.]
BETH: Do you have the keys, Matthew? Oh, where did I put them? Let's just get going.
All right, Hugh, let's go.
Don't even think about it.
Oh, let me just wear 'em for a second.
What? Please.
No.
Well, let's not leave right now.
This place is like a funhouse.
Come on.
Look at this.
[REMOTE BEEPS, SOUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
May I have this dance, milady? Let's not and say we did.
Oh, come on.
I would be honored to dance with the most beautiful princess in the whole ball.
Matthew, you don't feel "that way" about me.
Yeah, I-I-I-I do-- No, you don't.
It's just the apartment.
It's the mood lighting, the rotating bed, the body paint we found, the erotic bidet, it's-- The what? The funny fountain in the bathroom.
Oh, the funny fountain.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Exactly.
Anything else, gentlemen? Oh, no, no.
That was-- That was really great.
Great doesn't begin to describe it.
That meal, sir, was an epiphany.
That means I liked it.
Bravo, garçon! Take a bow.
You're too kind.
Don't you think you're laying it on a bit thick? Laying what on? The fake friendliness.
You're not gonna believe this, Dave, but I actually forgot I was faking it.
You mean--? Yes! I was actually being friendly to that guy, and you know what else? It felt pretty good.
You're drunk.
Well, sure, that helps, but there's more to it than that.
I feelfriendly.
Hey, welcome to the club.
Are you actually telling me this is how you feel all the time? Except when I'm around you, yeah.
Mr.
McNeal? Yes, my good man? Here's a drink for you, compliments of the gentleman at the bar.
He asked me to say it was from a friend.
Well, tell him thanks.
Thanks, buddy, that was mighty neighborly of you.
Well, I'm from Missouri and that's how we do things here.
Hey, this is the fella I was telling you about.
We've actually met.
You guys off duty? Yeah.
Is it true what they say about you? What's that? Oh, it's true all right, fellas.
Bill here is direct from NewYorkCity.
ALL: Wow.
You're really from New York? The Big Apple itself.
See, I told you he was from New York.
Wow.
Then he's probably never had a Show-Me-State hello.
Oh, I don't know if it would interest Bill.
It's got kind of kick, you know.
Hey, as a visitor to your little planet, I insist.
Give me the Show-Me-State hello.
You got it.
Now put your hands over your head.
Right.
Now close your eyes.
[GRUNTS.]
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
You see, you've fallen under the evil spell of Bill's enchanted condo.
Do you understand what I'm saying? No.
I think-- All right, then let me explain it to you.
These things are all designed to make you feel the way you do right now.
Pff! Well, why would Bill want an apartment that tricks people into thinking they love each other, huh? Well, because Bill is just a really-- What? Let's just say that Bill, um He needs people only to love him for a short time, and these things they just help him to do that.
No, I don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about.
I know.
That's what makes you so sweet.
So we got him drunk, took his shoes and his wallet, dumped him in a ditch, and drove his rental car into a river.
As far as we know, he's still walkin' back to L.
A.
[LAUGHING.]
Good times.
Good times.
You see, Dave, you were right after all.
Under the skin, we're all really the same.
Mm-hm.
Well, the brotherhood of man has never seemed so repellent.
[LAUGHING.]
Well, we should probably wrap it up, Bill.
We have to get on the flight in five minutes.
Relax, little guy.
Bill's got you all set up in first class.
You'll get on.
That's right.
Just sit tight and have another drink, Boy Scout.
That plane isn't goin' anywhere till I'm damn good and ready! [LAUGHING.]
To Bill McNeal.
[IN UNISON.]
To Bill! If we wanna go on a date, we're gonna go on a date.
Plus it's not even really a date.
Hold on.
It's not? Whatever it is, it's no one's business but ours.
Don't tell me, tell the boss.
I'll be happy to tell the boss, when he gets back tomorrow.
When a man and a woman go to a movie, I consider that a date.
Call it whatever you want, just don't let Isa-Lay over there know.
That's it.
You, shut up.
You, shut up.
You, pay attention.
You and you are goin' on a date to the movies.
As a matter of fact, here's 50 bucks, why don't you make it dinner.
And use these if necessary.
Wait a minute.
I think these won't be necessary.
Actually, I'm sort of a stickler about safe sex.
Zip it.
Go.
Enjoy yourselves.
There, you see? See what? Dave's job's a lot harder than you think, isn't it? Were you doin' this to teach me one of your dumb-ass lessons? Hey, excuse me, but this particular "dumb-ass lesson," as you call it, was a long time coming for you.
It's not so easy being the boss, is it? Well, you see, that's where you're wrong, sir.
Because I am having the time of my life.
So why don't you quit meddling, get off my couch, and drag your sorry ass out of my office.
Can I remind you-- Now! Yes, ma'am.
Excuse me, I forgot my balls.
Wait a minute.
I got the key from under the mat, opened the door, came in Hey, look! There's a whole box under the bed marked "Toys.
" [PHONE RINGS.]
Wonderful.
[MACHINE BEEPS.]
[ON SPEAKER.]
Larry, it's Bill from down the hall.
I was wondering if you could water the plants.
I asked the redhead from work to do it, but she's such a basket case she'll probably find a way to botch the job.
Thanks a bunch.
You're the man.
[LINE CLICKS.]
[GROANING.]
Now, what would you do with that? Did I ever tell you about my friend Larry, lives down the hall from me? Brilliant man.
You'd never know, talking to him, that he's actually one of the busiest male prostitutes in the biz.
Mm.
[.]
Nobody's answering the phones.
I thought that was what's-her-name's job, the redhead.
Bill, we've only been gone four days.
That's a little quick to start forgetting people's names.
Four days marooned in the vast cultureless wasteland between New York and Palm Springs will do that to a man.
She's probably on a conference call with her psychic and her therapist.
Does that work? Obviously not.
I'm sorry.
Sir They don't allow smoking inside the terminal.
Oh, it's for a medical condition.
I'm under a lot of stress right now.
There is a smoking area just a few gates down.
I'd be happy to show you where it is.
That's okay.
Say, do you fellas need some help with the phone? I'm sorry, we're on official business here.
You see, we're from New York City.
Maybe you've heard of it.
Bill, don't be rude.
Wow, New York City.
What brings you to St.
Louis, friend? The prospect of scintillating conversation with colorful locals like yourself.
Bill.
This isn't working.
Try Matthew's direct extension.
It's 5-5-3-8.
Did you get a chance to visit our Gateway Arch? Well, we had a chance, but there was a movie I'd already seen about seven times playing on pay-per-view in the hotel, so we decided to stay in.
Bill, what is wrong with you? He's just trying to be friendly.
I know.
It's just that four solid days of relentless Midwestern friendliness It just seems so unnatural.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hi, Mom.
DAVE: No, this isn't your mom.
It's-- It's me, Dave.
What are you doing at my Mom's house? She's the only one that has my direct line.
I'm not at your Mom's.
I'm at the airport in St.
Louis.
We're snowed in.
Why did you take my Mom to St.
Louis? What's goin' on? I'll explain that later.
What's--? What's the number for, uh, Lisa's direct line? Oh, hang on.
I'll transfer you over there.
No, don't transfer me.
Just give me the number.
Hold the line.
I'm transferring you.
No don't.
No.
No.
Don't-- And push "Hold.
" Don't.
Push "Transfer.
" Don't.
Push 5-5-4-9.
Don't.
And hang up.
Don-- Well, he cut me off.
What makes Matthew believe that even the simplest tasks are within his capabilities? Why didn't you tell me you had a cell phone? Ssh.
What--? I borrowed it from my friend here.
Dave, this is what's-his-name.
Oh, hi.
Thanks for helping us out.
Say, you don't sound like a New Yorker.
Oh, I'm originally from just outside of Milwaukee.
Really? Yeah.
I had a cousin who studied cattle husbandry at Wisconsin Agricultural.
Hey, who didn't? [LAUGHS WEAKLY.]
[LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
You get through yet? Ugh, sort of.
There are about 50 people on the line, but I think a "Madame Rosa" agreed to pass the message along to Beth.
Thanks, friend.
Now, where is that smoking lounge? Follow me.
Right behind you, chief.
Bill, what makes you assume that everyone from New York is automatically smarter than everyone from the Midwest? Oh, come on, Dave.
You know it's true.
MAN [ON PA.]
: Paging Matthew Brock's mother.
Will Matthew Brock's mother please pick up the white courtesy telephone? The exception that proves the rule.
[.]
BETH: Yes, Dave, I have everything written down.
Okay.
Bye.
Okay, you guys A few quick notes.
All right.
Okay, Dave and Bill are still stuck in the airport in St.
Louis.
Lisa, you get to be boss for a few more hours.
Joe, you're to prepare a short seminar for all office staff on how to properly transfer phone calls.
Oh, I can help you with that if you want.
Okay, and, Matthew, your mother is alive and well and not in St.
Louis? Oh, thank God.
I have to go to go to Bill's apartment and water his plants, which might take a while, because I have to do four days worth of watering all at once.
Now, wait.
There's nothing for me? No, I don't think--- Oh, hang on.
Silly me.
All the girls have to give Mr.
James a big kiss.
Well, that's more like it.
Mm! Thank you.
Mm! Thank you.
Mm-wah.
[SUCKING.]
Thank you, Matthew.
You know, Bill, there's nothing they can do about the fact that we're snowed in, so why don't we just sit down and wait patiently.
Sorry, my friend, I don't play that game.
[SIGHS.]
Please, don't make a scene.
We're not in New York.
We're not? You're kidding? Gee, and I almost mistook the Museum of Yarn for the Guggenheim.
Have you ever heard the expression that when life gives you lemons, you should just make lemonade? Hm? Great.
I knew it.
Four days in the Midwest and you've already reverted right back to what you were.
No, this is who I am, Bill.
I'm-- I'm a-a polite, reasonable, friendly person.
You're like one of those trained police attack-dogs they set loose in the wild and it goes all soft and gets eaten by a deer or something.
What? Have you ever heard the expression, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place? I just-- I wish you could be here long enough to get the full Midwestern experience.
Maybe another time.
That would be great, because I think a good hunting accident would really open up your mind.
So, what time does the movie start? Uh, 7:15.
Oh, perfect.
Meet you out front at 7? JOE: Sure.
I'll see you then.
Okay.
Hey, Jimmy.
Joe.
Hi, Jimmy.
Hi, sweetie.
Oh, here.
Here.
Have one of these.
Ooh, thanks.
It's cheese.
You're gonna love it.
[MURMURING.]
That's delicious.
Uh-huh.
[SPITS.]
Hi.
Hi.
Um, I finished that assignment sheet, if you wanna take a look at it.
There's no time for that now.
Is there anyway we can get ahold of Dave immediately? I've been handling his stuff.
Why don't you run it by me.
No.
I really need Dave on this one.
Well, sir, I would enjoy the opportunity to at least give it a shot.
You would "enjoy the opportunity"? Are you kidding me? I think you have the wrong idea about this.
You think it's fun being the boss? Yeah, actually for the past couple of days, I've been having a really good time, but I'm not in it for the fun.
Yeah.
What is it? [SIGHS.]
What? We on a stakeout? I think it's a little late for that now, don't you? Wha--? Would you just sit down? I'll tell you what's goin' on.
All right.
Here it is: Joe and Catherine are planning to go out on a date.
They must be stopped.
Why? 'Cause I don't like my employees getting romantically involved.
Well, what about me and Dave? No, I said romantically involved.
Tell you what Never mind.
Just-- Dave got his beeper on him? Look, I can-- I can handle that, sir.
I can handle it, even though it does seem incredibly hypocritical and not very logical I-I can do it.
I'm sorry.
Heh.
I'm used to workin' with Dave.
See, he's got a-- He's got a true gift for R.
L.
P.
What? Reconciling logical paradoxes.
What does that mean? I don't know.
Somethin' Dave keeps tellin' me about himself.
Okay.
Well, I'm on it.
All right.
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Here, have one of these.
See, uh, Dave eats this all the time.
It'll help.
Thank you, sir.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Okay.
Come on, Robin.
Oh Heh.
[FLIPS SWITCH, SOUL MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO.]
[FLIPS SWITCH.]
Oh, my God.
Bill is so cool.
All I'm saying is Interoffice dating just isn't a good idea.
Are you kidding me? We're just goin' to a movie.
It's not even a real date.
Huh? I-I mean, I can't really explain the logic behind it, but, um, how can I put this It's-- It's-- It's just bad.
Oh, well, look who's talking.
At least we don't make whoopee in the booth like you and Dave.
Dave and I do not make whoopee in the booth.
Whoa, hold on a sec.
Hold on.
What's "the booth"? How do ya--? What're you talking--? Oh, that booth.
Oh, I thought it was a new thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, anyways, Dave and I are different.
How? Because we didn't, you know go ondates to the movies.
No Because you two skipped all that and just jumped right into the sack before you even knew each other's names.
I'm willing to give that a shot, if that's more appropriate.
All right.
Just forget about it, you guys.
Forget about it.
We can talk about it later.
And we did so know each other's names.
Last names? That information was irrelevant at the time.
Mm-hm.
You got a problem? Look, if you can't handle this, why don't you get Dave on the phone, let him talk you through this, like when a stewardess has to land a plane.
I'm not a stewardess.
Okay, flight attendant.
Whatever.
All right.
Look, Mr.
James, I know I am not Dave, but I'm sure if you just give me a chance, you will be very satisfied with my results.
Mm-hm.
We're all gonna die.
How can I help you today, sir? Good afternoon.
You know, my friend and I have been frequent business flyers on your airline for over 10 years now.
We've only been up and running for six months, sir.
Don't try to confuse the issue with half-truths and gorilla dust.
I have no idea what that means either.
Well, the storm has taken us all by surprise and we're terribly sorry for any inconvenience.
I don't think you realize to whom you're speaking.
Well, I'm speaking with Bill McNeal of WNYX, of course.
Wow.
Apparently, my reputation precedes me.
No, it doesn't.
He's reading your nametag from the convention.
Sir, if you could please just step aside.
Oh, "Just step aside.
" Is--? Is that your new motto? No, but there's really nothing I can do about the 18 inches of snow on the ground outside.
Well, what about the 36 inches of B.
S.
inside? Anything you can do about that? Sorry, again, for the inconvenience, Mr.
McNeal.
And here are some pilot wings for you.
And a pair for your son.
Compliments of the airline.
This is the life, huh? No, this is not the life, Bill.
No.
You made a scene out there.
You embarrassed me.
You nearly reduced that ticket-counter guy to tears.
And for what? For this, my friend.
Salud.
And this is just the beginning.
Really? What's next? You gonna kneecap an old woman for her cocktail peanuts? No, my son.
Ouch.
Hm? You okay? Ouch, I've been injured by these pilot wings! Do you need a doctor? No, but I'm feeling lightheaded.
Do you have a shrimp cocktail on hand, perchance? Did you guys ever stop to think about how this might look to, you know? Who? The people upstairs? No.
To the higher-ups.
Oh, great, now the Trilateral Commission's trying to keep me from dating.
Wonderful.
Hey, kids.
CATHERINE: Hey, Jimmy, do you have a problem with Joe and I seeing a movie together? Only if it's that one where John Travolta plays an angel.
Boy, did that suck.
But it's cool if we go out on a date? JAMES: Way cool.
Yeah! Go ahead.
Knock yourselves out.
I want you to get out of here, you lovebirds.
Well, that certainly clears things up for us.
All right You have fun, now.
CATHERINE: All right.
Okay.
What happened here? You were supposed to take care of this.
[SIGHS.]
Even you have to admit It's kinda creepy.
What are you talking about? It's functional.
Oh, come on.
Seriously.
Let's say you're lying in bed, you decide you wanna read a book, what book you're gonna read? How 'bout this one right here? Oh.
Just get off the bed before you break it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're so annoying.
God.
Oh, my goodness.
This bed is probably very therapeutic for Bill's You know, he's got that lower-back problem.
Yeah, somehow I doubt that's its primary purpose.
What are you talking about? What else could this bed be used for? [SIGHS.]
Never mind.
Beth.
[SIGHS.]
What? Did I ever tell you, you've got really beautiful eyes? [GRUNTS.]
Oh, you're gettin' a little bit frisky.
[CLANG.]
Why didn't you back me up with them? Dave would never ask me to back him up.
Okay, is this some kind of weird test to see if I can handle being the boss? No.
Wait a minute.
Is it? No.
Wait a minute.
Dave would never ask me if this is some kind of weird test.
Okay, I am not Dave.
Dave wouldn't say that.
I can run the station, but I'm not going to run it exactly the way Dave does.
See, that's why it's probably so hard for you.
No, It's hard for me becauseyou're insane.
Dave wouldn't say that.
No, but he thinks it.
Really? All the time.
[SIGHS.]
I love that funny little guy.
Here we go, fellas.
Two prime cuts of Omaha beef, with our compliments.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Just one more thing Ah, yes, sir? I ordered French fries, not frozen potato planks placed in the general vicinity of some warm grease.
Take these back and fry them please.
Sorry, sir, we'll get right on it.
[SIGHS.]
These people think they can buy me off with their niceness.
Cretins.
Bill, I don't understand.
What is it about a friendly face that makes you so hostile? I'm just cautious.
Experience has taught me that every toothy grin hides an extra row of teeth.
Well, look, have--? Have you ever heard this expression that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar? Have you ever heard the expression "Only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies"? All right, fine.
Look, just as a concession to me, and this strange land in which you find yourself, why don't you just try to fake a little friendliness? Fake friendliness Mm-hm.
I like it.
What a diabolical little plan.
I think we got it now.
Hey, this is perfect.
Can you do me just one more favor? Anything.
Give me your hand.
You, sir, are a credit to your profession.
A towering figure in the food-service pantheon.
That'sthe nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Well, you deserve it, sir.
Kudos to you.
And kudos again.
Hey, you know what I think there's an extra bottle of champagne back there.
Would--? Would you fellas like some of that? Now, that would be just terrificky-whiffic.
Coming right up.
You've opened up a whole new world to me.
[.]
BETH: Do you have the keys, Matthew? Oh, where did I put them? Let's just get going.
All right, Hugh, let's go.
Don't even think about it.
Oh, let me just wear 'em for a second.
What? Please.
No.
Well, let's not leave right now.
This place is like a funhouse.
Come on.
Look at this.
[REMOTE BEEPS, SOUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
May I have this dance, milady? Let's not and say we did.
Oh, come on.
I would be honored to dance with the most beautiful princess in the whole ball.
Matthew, you don't feel "that way" about me.
Yeah, I-I-I-I do-- No, you don't.
It's just the apartment.
It's the mood lighting, the rotating bed, the body paint we found, the erotic bidet, it's-- The what? The funny fountain in the bathroom.
Oh, the funny fountain.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Exactly.
Anything else, gentlemen? Oh, no, no.
That was-- That was really great.
Great doesn't begin to describe it.
That meal, sir, was an epiphany.
That means I liked it.
Bravo, garçon! Take a bow.
You're too kind.
Don't you think you're laying it on a bit thick? Laying what on? The fake friendliness.
You're not gonna believe this, Dave, but I actually forgot I was faking it.
You mean--? Yes! I was actually being friendly to that guy, and you know what else? It felt pretty good.
You're drunk.
Well, sure, that helps, but there's more to it than that.
I feelfriendly.
Hey, welcome to the club.
Are you actually telling me this is how you feel all the time? Except when I'm around you, yeah.
Mr.
McNeal? Yes, my good man? Here's a drink for you, compliments of the gentleman at the bar.
He asked me to say it was from a friend.
Well, tell him thanks.
Thanks, buddy, that was mighty neighborly of you.
Well, I'm from Missouri and that's how we do things here.
Hey, this is the fella I was telling you about.
We've actually met.
You guys off duty? Yeah.
Is it true what they say about you? What's that? Oh, it's true all right, fellas.
Bill here is direct from NewYorkCity.
ALL: Wow.
You're really from New York? The Big Apple itself.
See, I told you he was from New York.
Wow.
Then he's probably never had a Show-Me-State hello.
Oh, I don't know if it would interest Bill.
It's got kind of kick, you know.
Hey, as a visitor to your little planet, I insist.
Give me the Show-Me-State hello.
You got it.
Now put your hands over your head.
Right.
Now close your eyes.
[GRUNTS.]
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
You see, you've fallen under the evil spell of Bill's enchanted condo.
Do you understand what I'm saying? No.
I think-- All right, then let me explain it to you.
These things are all designed to make you feel the way you do right now.
Pff! Well, why would Bill want an apartment that tricks people into thinking they love each other, huh? Well, because Bill is just a really-- What? Let's just say that Bill, um He needs people only to love him for a short time, and these things they just help him to do that.
No, I don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about.
I know.
That's what makes you so sweet.
So we got him drunk, took his shoes and his wallet, dumped him in a ditch, and drove his rental car into a river.
As far as we know, he's still walkin' back to L.
A.
[LAUGHING.]
Good times.
Good times.
You see, Dave, you were right after all.
Under the skin, we're all really the same.
Mm-hm.
Well, the brotherhood of man has never seemed so repellent.
[LAUGHING.]
Well, we should probably wrap it up, Bill.
We have to get on the flight in five minutes.
Relax, little guy.
Bill's got you all set up in first class.
You'll get on.
That's right.
Just sit tight and have another drink, Boy Scout.
That plane isn't goin' anywhere till I'm damn good and ready! [LAUGHING.]
To Bill McNeal.
[IN UNISON.]
To Bill! If we wanna go on a date, we're gonna go on a date.
Plus it's not even really a date.
Hold on.
It's not? Whatever it is, it's no one's business but ours.
Don't tell me, tell the boss.
I'll be happy to tell the boss, when he gets back tomorrow.
When a man and a woman go to a movie, I consider that a date.
Call it whatever you want, just don't let Isa-Lay over there know.
That's it.
You, shut up.
You, shut up.
You, pay attention.
You and you are goin' on a date to the movies.
As a matter of fact, here's 50 bucks, why don't you make it dinner.
And use these if necessary.
Wait a minute.
I think these won't be necessary.
Actually, I'm sort of a stickler about safe sex.
Zip it.
Go.
Enjoy yourselves.
There, you see? See what? Dave's job's a lot harder than you think, isn't it? Were you doin' this to teach me one of your dumb-ass lessons? Hey, excuse me, but this particular "dumb-ass lesson," as you call it, was a long time coming for you.
It's not so easy being the boss, is it? Well, you see, that's where you're wrong, sir.
Because I am having the time of my life.
So why don't you quit meddling, get off my couch, and drag your sorry ass out of my office.
Can I remind you-- Now! Yes, ma'am.
Excuse me, I forgot my balls.
Wait a minute.
I got the key from under the mat, opened the door, came in Hey, look! There's a whole box under the bed marked "Toys.
" [PHONE RINGS.]
Wonderful.
[MACHINE BEEPS.]
[ON SPEAKER.]
Larry, it's Bill from down the hall.
I was wondering if you could water the plants.
I asked the redhead from work to do it, but she's such a basket case she'll probably find a way to botch the job.
Thanks a bunch.
You're the man.
[LINE CLICKS.]
[GROANING.]
Now, what would you do with that? Did I ever tell you about my friend Larry, lives down the hall from me? Brilliant man.
You'd never know, talking to him, that he's actually one of the busiest male prostitutes in the biz.
Mm.
[.]