Raising Hope s03e17 Episode Script

Come on, buddy.
It doesn't have to end badly.
Just trying to get you out safe.
Ah Are you still trying to catch that fly? Just kill it.
Flies carry deadly diseases.
Why do you think there's a "no-fly zone" over the White House? I can't kill it.
It's the one thing I've got.
Nobody else in high school lived up to their potential.
Kevin Kinlan, voted "Most likely to succeed"? In prison for embezzlement.
John Zachary, voted "Most athletic"? Now he weighs 400 pounds.
He hasn't seen his feet or his penis since the '90s.
I was the guy voted "Least likely to hurt a fly.
" I'm not going to blow it and wind up like the rest of those losers.
Oh, and those awards mean so much.
I was voted "Most sarcastic.
" Those geniuses really nailed that one.
I got him! Virginia, I got him! Go home.
Hug your wife and kiss your maggots.
Today you live! No! Wow.
That is gonna be a slow, slow death.
Here we go Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Wait, wait, wait! Don't! - Hey, don't - Oh Who is she?! Who is who?! And where did you get that golf club? - We don't even golf! - I got it - in case you ever Tiger Woods'd me.
- No, I was sleepwalking, all right? I used to sleepwalk as a kid when-when I slept in strange places, and now it's-it's happening again.
Oh, Jimmy, that's terrible.
We got to figure out how to fix this.
What did your parents do? Well, they got me a dog collar and they put all my information on the tag.
Of course they did.
The store must have been out of leeches.
No, no, we got all our leeches from a guy my dad knows, and I'm pretty sure they only work on chicken pox.
Oh.
The door to the microwave broke.
Here.
Oh.
I think we need to buy a new microwave.
No, no.
It's okay.
I think I have a microwave in all my stuff.
It doesn't work, but the door's still on.
We can just swap it out.
All your stuff? You got rid of all your stuff when you stopped hoarding.
You told me you stopped hoarding.
I did.
Tell you that.
I can't believe you lied and told me you stopped hoarding.
I haven't gambled once since I quit.
I bet you $1,000 there's a bunch of other stuff - you're not telling me.
- Why is this open? Seriously.
I bet you.
Right now.
Step away from the locker! No, no, it's okay.
This is our stuff.
Not anymore.
You didn't pay your rent.
We're just airing out the contents before we put it up for auction.
Hold on there.
A working grandmother goes without paying for 24 months and you just take all her stuff? Romney! He lost, Burt.
- Obama! - Look, I don't know what to tell you.
If you want your stuff back, you owe $700.
Other than that, it goes to the highest bidder.
Hey! Hey! Just because you have every right to take our stuff and I don't have any argument against it doesn't mean I'm done talking to you, buddy! Excuse me.
If we could just talk about this Oh, my God, look.
It's Creepy the Clown.
Years ago, we had a creepy clown doll that used to freak Jimmy out.
Jimmy.
It was hilarious.
We didn't just torture Jimmy with it.
We also used it to keep him out of danger.
And while some things could shock him for a second, other things could scar him for life.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
We don't have the money for that much therapy.
So we needed to hide the tape in a place we knew Jimmy would never look.
It was a perfect hiding place until Maw Maw decided to donate stuff to the church rummage sale.
And that was the last time we ever saw that creepy-looking clown.
Ouch! Ouch! Is this unit up for auction? They're all up for bid Saturday morning.
We've got to get our sex tape out of that clown's ass.
I bet nobody's ever said that before.
- You ready? - Yeah.
- What do you think? - I think America's about to elect a terrorist as a vice president if somebody doesn't start listening to Claire Danes.
Oh, you mean your sleep apnea mask.
If it prevents you from sleepwalking, I think it's great.
I think I look like a fighter pilot.
You get to pretend you're sleeping with Tom Cruise tonight.
- Ooh.
Okay.
- Maybe get into a little "risky business.
" Is there any way I can prevent you from ruining my Homeland marathon by making bad Tom Cruise references all night? That's a "mission impossible.
" Get ready for "the firm.
" 'Cause I'm about to make it "rain man.
" Aw, not again! Yo! What are you doing? The guy at the storage space said those auctions go up to 500 bucks.
So if we want to get our sex tape back, we need to make some quick cash, and I'm willing to try anything.
Which is something whoever gets that tape is gonna find out.
But you can't sell the van.
Why not? Jimmy and Sabrina have a new car.
I have a car, you have your work truck.
Maw Maw won this scooter in a poker game with Mrs.
Peables.
Even after the stroke, she still doesn't have much of a poker face.
I know we don't need the van, but it's like a part of the family.
It has so many special memories.
If there was a Tongue Hall of Fame, Burt, you'd be in it.
And-and if there was a Tongue Nobel Prize, you'd have a whole shelf full.
Ah, that's it! I can't listen to this tape anymore.
It's been stuck in there since I bought the van.
Ah.
Not again.
I can't do it.
We're not selling the van.
You're gonna have to find something else to sell.
Hmm, clarity in the hooves.
Perfectly symmetrical snout holes.
Only the tiny hands of a scared Chinese child can achieve that craftsmanship.
But I don't see the one you know I want.
I brought you everything I have.
This is all I've got.
I've been to your house, Virginia.
I want your Swiney Todd, the Demon Butcher of Meat Street, wanted for multiple ham-icides.
The worst-selling character in Pigurine history, and thus the rarest.
Fine.
I'll sell it to you.
But just so you know, I consider this highway hoggery.
H-Hoggery.
I got it.
I got it.
I just came up with that.
Where you been? Operation Steal Our Microwave Door successful.
All right, we're gonna start the bidding at five dollars.
Somebody give me five, somebody give me five.
I got five right there.
Anybody with six? - Six! - Six dollars.
Can I get seven? - Seven! - Seven, I got seven.
I got seven.
- $20! - $20! Right over there, $20 Frank, what the hell? Look, I don't know why you want this locker, but I'll make you a deal.
21! You let us win this locker, we'll give you everything inside except for that cute little clown doll for Hope.
You can keep the doll, but I get to keep the sex tape inside.
Oh, I know.
_ What's going on there? Yeah, my mom's selling some of her Pigurines to bid on a storage unit that has her sex tape in it.
- $100! - I got $100 right there! $125! - $200! - $300! - $400! - $400 right there! - What? - I know how much Jimmy makes at the grocery store.
- Where'd you get that kind of money? - I won 800 bucks coming in second place at a demolition derby.
My Pacer is totaled.
Look.
If you care about me as a friend at all $450! You won't do this.
Okay, fine.
I'll make you a deal.
$475! You can keep the tape, but I would like to rent it on occasion.
$480! Okay, but just once.
$485! Go on.
You have to watch it at our house, and you have to keep your pants on.
$490! No rewinds, no copies, no pauses.
$495! One pause, eight seconds long.
- Fine! - Deal! - $500! - $500! $500 going once $500 going twice - sold, $500! Come on in.
- Yes! What? There's no hole! Oh, my God! I just sold my Pigurines and blew $500 on the wrong stuffed clown that doesn't have our sex tape in it.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
I'm sure this happens to people all the time.
I don't know if exercising is gonna be the answer to my sleepwalking, and plus, I kind of feel ridiculous.
Yeah, well, last night you walked through town in your boxer shorts and my fuzzy slippers, so I think this is worth a shot.
Hey.
Either your parents are having a yard sale or your house finally threw up.
Yeah, talk about a lot of stuff I don't need.
I already got the wolf blanket, I got that same bikini poster girl Wait a second.
What are you guys doing? Oh, your mother's having a yard sale so she can buy back her Pigurines.
I'm selling all the stuff we got from that storage unit we won along with some of your crap.
You just can't sell my stuff! This is 100% authentic bathtub gin passed down to me by my great aunt, Blind Lizzy, to her daughter, Blind Betty, and then finally her sons, Blind Barry and Sightless Sam, who spoke the recipe to me.
Ten bucks a jar, 'cause this is probably the last batch I can make 'cause my eyes aren't what they used to be.
Thank you.
How much for this photo album? Two dollars.
I don't want the pictures.
Looking at other people's memories makes me sad.
Sorry, we got this stuff from somebody else's storage space.
Huh.
That's actually a pretty cute baby right there.
Wow, what a happy family.
He looks so peaceful sleeping in his bassinet.
Hey it's that one right there.
And there he is learning to ride that bike! Are you gonna sell me the book or narrate every photo? This album's not for sale.
There's a family out there who would love to have these wonderful memories.
You can go buy some of my son's crap over there.
What are you doing? Virginia, we can't sell this stuff, It's not ours.
The people in these pictures are gonna want it back.
This is the history of their courtship and their marriage and their underwater birth.
Oh, scratch that.
They're just went snorkeling with a baby sea otter.
Well, I need money to get my Pigurines back.
Fine.
I'll sell the van.
Well, the shocks still work.
Now all I need is some good-looking friends and a talking dog and my mystery-solving business is up and running.
I'm gonna miss her.
If you want, I can pick you up every now and then and take you for a ride.
No.
I think that'll just confuse the van.
Jimmy? I can't believe you sold the van for strangers, but when I wanted to get the tape back to keep my dignity, you wouldn't even listen.
I only sold it to help you buy back your precious Pigurines.
I told you that, but you don't listen to me.
I don't listen to you? You don't listen to me.
I'm not listening to this.
- Hey.
- Hi.
We found a bunch of mail with this address on it in an old storage unit and we're trying to find out who it belongs to so we can return all their stuff.
Burt! Virginia! I know who you are.
Christine, get over here! Hi.
Oh.
It's Burt and Virginia.
How do you know us? From your sex tape.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! - That's exactly how she says it on the tape! - I know! I know.
Burt, I almost didn't recognize you with your contemporary hairstyle.
Virginia, have you kept up with contemporary grooming trends? I'm a little uncomfortable with how comfortable you two are with us.
Oh, no, it's just that we've seen your tape like, a thousand times.
Yeah, you said that like, 2,000 times.
I remember the day we got it.
We were getting ready to move into my brother-in-law's guest house and we bought a bunch of things at the church rummage sale, but we got more than we paid for.
I wasn't really a sex tape kind of guy, but we'd been fighting and I thought, hey, this might shake us out of our rut.
I've never seen anything like this.
Why don't we ever role play as a maid and a yard guy doing it in an old haunted house? Your tape was heaven-sent.
We watched it almost every night.
Yeah, we even started showing it to our sons, Dominic and Logan.
What?! I hope, for your kids' sake, they're blind and deaf.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's not, it's not like that.
No, Jimmy, um, edited out all the sex parts.
You guys had such an amazing relationship that we took a triple-X and made it into a "G" so we could use it as a teaching tool for relationships.
Check it out.
Compassion.
Oh, no, no, Burt.
It flew over back by the door.
Come here, buddy.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
It's all about catch and release.
Come aww Come here.
I got him! I got him! I love how nice you are to all of God's creatures.
I could never hurt a fly.
Understanding.
You got, like, 12 alarm clocks under the bed.
I don't know.
I just keep buying them just in case.
You don't think I'm, like, one of those crazy hoarders, do you? No.
No, you're just being prepared.
I imagine one day, of us is going to have a job that'll require us to be somewhere on time.
Listening.
I think it's your turn to start 'cause I ripped off your clothes last time.
Oh, speaking of rip-offs, the Johnsons told me they want to change landscapers today after I trimmed all their trees.
I spent hours trying to nail the branches back on, then I just gave up and I peed in the pool.
Oh, it's for the best.
Those people treated you like crap, they never paid you on time, and I could always hear the stress in your voice every time you went over there.
This landscaping thing is only temporary.
Your rock band is about to take off.
Oh, my God.
Burt, do you believe that? I know.
I thought we were the only ones who still had a VCR.
Me, too! God, I'm so glad to hear that's what you were thinking.
I feel like we've been so out of sync the last couple of weeks.
It's like we lost something, but I'm not sure what.
Well, if I had to pick three things out of thin air, I'd say compassion, understanding and maybe listening.
No, Burt, you know what it is? It's listening, and I'm sorry if I haven't been.
Me, too.
No, no, no.
We are not filming a sequel here, weirdoes.
And we want our sex tape back.
No.
You can't.
We need it.
I thought we were friends.
We barely know you.
How 'bout we buy it from you? - No way.
- Eight hundred.
Deal.
I'll get my checkbook.
Virginia, what are you doing? I want to get your van back and sacrifice for you the way you sacrificed for me to get my Pigurines back.
Could you stop staring at me? I know your mind's blown meeting "Virginia from the sex tape," but you're making me feel self-conscious.
Actually, um, I was just, I was wondering about that-that mole that you have on your left butt cheek.
Did you ever get that checked out? We have to go.
Okay.
That's it! That's it! I got it! Whoa.
Hey, what's going on? Mmm, I had to figure this out.
I just couldn't take it anymore.
I knew there had to be an answer to this mystery and I just wasn't going to sleep until I figured it out.
Jimmy, you have been sleepwalking your whole life.
I'm not gonna let that happen again.
So I asked myself, what do all your sleepwalks have in common? The red pins are where you've been falling asleep, and the blue pins are where you've been waking up.
So if you extend this line, you'll see that you've been walking towards the same place, okay? This is your Mecca.
This is your homeland, the Chance residence.
Yeah, but just now, I woke up in the dining room.
That's where your stuff is.
Oh, yeah! That's right! Why doesn't anybody ever believe me?! I believe you, I believe you, but I will say, you were a lot more fun when your favorite show was Californication.
People like to say, "home is where the heart is," but I kind of think home is where your stuff is.
You sure you don't mind me putting all my old junk in this room? It's our room.
Plus, I still have my old college bulletin board and I got lots of my old stuff.
Just look in the closet.
Ahhhhhhh! Your parents were right.
That's hilarious.
Turns out I wasn't the only one who had an emotional attachment to their stuff.
Oh.
Don't worry.
We never have to discuss how he drove you.
And some people just can't get enough of other people's stuff.
Mostly, I was really glad to have all that sleepwalking behind me until I found out it was hereditary.