Sabrina The Teenage Witch s03e17 Episode Script

The day is alive with the wonder of Wednesday.
To me, it's just another day with eight nipples.
- What's wrong? - I can't remember what it was like to be human.
This voice used to bark orders to a legion of mercenaries.
Now it begs two old maids for catnip.
I believe the correct term is "spinsters.
" Come on, you big wuss.
Suck it up.
Take it like the man you used to be.
I know what you can't resist.
ZELDA: Your favourite cat toy.
- I don't need your pity.
This is serious.
Usually he thrives on our pity.
Oh, let's go see if he wants his tummy rubbed.
- You coming, Hilda? - Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.
It is irresistible.
May I have this slam dance? Get your peanut-butter dandies here, compliments of the committee to elect Willard Kraft principal.
Here you go.
Tell your folks to vote early and often.
- Is it true Principal Larue is out? - Well, not yet.
But his contract is up, so I'm throwing my hat in the ring.
Why? Because I want that extra $418 a year.
With you in charge, the cheerleaders can finally gain power of attorney over the dance fund.
If I can lure enough votes with my dandies.
Here you go, Libby.
Ew.
Maybe if you offered them with milk.
Excellent idea.
Gordie? Would you get me a few gallons of milk, please? Oh, but I have violin practice.
Running my errands comes before rock 'n' roll.
So if you don't want to raise your family in detention Has anyone asked you to the St.
Patrick's Day dance? No, but between you and me, there's someone I wish would.
Really? Let me guess.
Um - Jerry.
- No.
- Pat? - Sabrina, you aren't gonna get it.
- Jimmy? - No.
It's Gordie.
Ken? Look, I've gotten to know him since I started orchestra.
He's sort of the Kevin Costner of the string section.
We have to get him to ask you to the dance.
Well, I've been dropping serious hints, but he hasn't been picking up on them.
SABRINA: Hey, Gordie.
Hey, did you see that St.
Patrick's Day dance poster? You know, Val loves to dance.
In fact, she loves to be asked to dance.
Mr.
Kraft needs milk.
See? You can't be subtle.
A surprise party is just the thing to make Salem forget he's not a man.
I hope his old address book is in there.
It won't be much of a surprise if we're the only guests.
"Universe v.
Saberhagen: confiscated personal effects.
" Two Ricolas.
One dry-cleaning receipt for a velvet cape.
And no address book.
A sceptre? This is sad.
What a day.
I was playing matchmaker for Valerie and Gordie, which is like the low-self-esteem Olympics.
And Libby is politicking for that known evil called Willard Kraft.
And yet you're not a cat.
Did I mention I almost choked on a dandy? Oh, a rainbow.
I hope that doesn't stain.
Faith and begorra.
It's your lover boy.
- Roland, what's with the brogue? - It's part of my new job.
You know, after a lot of therapy, I finally figured out why you and I never clicked.
- Your personality? - No.
You're shallow, so I needed a glamorous job to impress you.
So say hello to your dream date, Leprechaun Roland.
- Erin go bragh.
- Erin go back.
Look, Roland, how can I put this without hurting your feelings? You sicken me.
Hey.
Let's take it slow.
We have the rest of our lives to love each other.
Hey, you wanna give me a leg up here? Roland.
You're not helping.
In fact, I think you're enjoying this.
Like you're not.
Where are you going? I'll use the linen closet.
Boy, you're sounding like a ball and chain already.
[SALEM SOBBING.]
He's weeping at a Richard Simmons advertisement.
This isn't just an infomercial.
It's info-truth.
Oh, we've gotta find that address book.
GORDIE [ON PA.]
: This is Gordie, the voice of Westbridge, with an important announcement from Mr.
Kraft.
You are cordially invited to a campaign rally to get your parents to vote for Mr.
Kraft.
Anyone not attending will be caned by Mr.
Kraft.
Well, as long as we don't have to eat any more dandies.
Whoa.
What's this? "Our secret love will always last.
I'll wait for you over the rainbow.
Lover boy.
" - Oh.
- Something you need to tell me? Stupid junk mail.
Uh, uh, my-- My locker is on every mailing list.
Oh, jeez.
Everybody else sees this, right? I'll take that.
Thank you.
SABRINA: Roland.
Hey.
- Oh, no.
You've caught me.
- Oh, hey, I caught a leprechaun.
Don't I get a pot of gold and my book bag? We don't do gold anymore.
But you do get these coupons redeemable for three wishes.
Great.
Well, I know what my first one will be.
I wish Roland would go away.
But, honey-- I just tried on one of my old suits, and I almost suffocated in the sleeve.
Whoa! Are these wish coupons? How many? Three.
Well, two.
I blew one ditching Roland McLeprechaun.
Sabrina, I'll be your best friend if you use a wish to turn me back into a man.
Oh, please, please, please.
Salem, you know I can't use magic to help you regain your human form.
It's a direct violation of the Witches' Council.
Well, one of Roland's coupons wouldn't be your magic.
If anyone found out, it'd be his emerald keister in a sling.
Right.
But the last time you were a man, you tried to take over the world.
No politics.
Promise.
I just wanna remember what it's like to be human.
Please.
- Well - Oh, please.
Roland, I have a wish.
Yes.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
So Salem will enter the body of a student at school so I can keep an eye on him.
Preferably a young Dan Blocker type.
And I'll keep one wish coupon to bring him back.
No problem.
Let's take Salem's essence to school and find a suitable vessel.
Do it.
I wish Salem was human, with all the aforementioned disclaimers.
[SALEM WHIMPERING.]
Next time I lift my hat, Salem enters the nearest body.
But what about the cat? He's just a regular house cat till Salem returns.
You're loving my new cologne, aren't you? Oh, hello, Salem.
Listen, we need a good haberdasher.
And since you know so many people who haberdash, would you happen to know where your old address book is? [CAT MEOWS.]
Did he meow? "Vote for Mr.
Kraft or else.
" I thought of that slogan myself.
Sir? My thumb is really starting to throb.
Oh, stop kissing up and finish the job.
Watch out.
You might cover the St.
Patrick's Day dance poster.
That poster.
Hey, Valerie? - Yes? - If I use the same tack holes, I might be able to avoid thumb surgery.
Let's pick a vessel to put Salem in.
Well, what's gonna happen to the vessel? I mean, student? Once Salem's done with the body, the kid will think he's been home with the mumps.
Duh.
Okay.
Well, let's take our time and choose carefully.
Okay.
I pick that guy.
Gordie, are you aware there's a dance on Friday? - Roland, wait.
- Gee, Valerie, I-- [SALEM'S VOICE.]
I'll pick you up at 8.
What kind of flowers do you like? - Surprise me.
- That means roses.
Sabrina.
I think Gordie just hit puberty.
- Salem? - Speaking.
Man, standing rocks.
Well, that was really nice of you to ask Valerie out-- Well, to get Gordie to ask Val-- Well, whatever just happened was nice.
Well, I thought I might be of some service while I'm here.
It's just my way of saying thank you, thank you, thank you.
Do you think it's obsessive-compulsive disorder? A party will bring him back to normal.
Thank goodness you found that address book.
Yeah.
Who would've thought it'd be next to the phone? I just wish we knew what kind of soiree he would like.
- Let's drop some hints, but be subtle.
- Of course.
Salem, what kind of parties do you like? - I like luaus.
How about you, Zelda? - I like parties that are more subtle.
[CAT MEOWS.]
Either we've offended him, or he heard the ice-cream truck.
Stop it.
Oh.
And where are you off to, enchantress of third period? - English.
- Lucky English.
I better check these books for hidden explosives.
Okay, I'll see you later, Gordie, and don't forget who you're supposed to be.
Identity crisis.
Pep talk.
I'm sorry I got jealous about that love letter.
- I know you had nothing to do with it.
- I have no idea how it got in there.
Or got framed? [CROWD CHEERING.]
Think that commotion's coming from where Valerie and Gordie went to? Oh, don't worry.
I'll go check for myself.
It's real silver.
You know how often you're gonna have to clean this? SABRINA: Salem.
I mean, Gordie.
Okay.
Well, uh, "Have a good class" to you too.
- What? What'd I do? - You were smooching.
I thought you liked me to cheer Valerie up.
- Not like that.
- I stand corrected.
So the weekend in Vegas is a no-go? Look, just go to math and be Gordie, or you go back to the litter box.
I'll be good.
Cross my gawky, adolescent heart.
Whew.
Hmm.
High school politics.
What could be more innocent? I've got it.
Please don't say fox-hunting party again.
Let's cast a spell and crash the best party that Salem ever went to.
Oh, that's great.
Then we can re-create it.
Hair of a dog, a laugh that's hearty, take us to Salem's favourite party.
Well, judging from the debauchery I'd say we're in Ancient Rome.
Either that or it's Super Bowl week.
[TRUMPETS BLARING.]
- Caligula? - I've been called worse.
[MAN GRUNTS.]
Romulus.
Fetch these vixens some fig leaves.
I'll teach them the secret handshake.
I've seen enough.
How about fox hunting? Is this seat taken? Yes.
By someone I might be caught dead talking to.
[CHUCKLES.]
Cute kid.
All right.
The Kraft campaign needs some proven techniques for winning.
As if you'd know any.
Who do you think stuffed the ballots in Chicago that got Kennedy elected? A lot of dead people voted that yeartwice.
[CACKLES.]
- What? - Ix-nay on the orruption-cay, capiche? What is the big idea of you sitting with Libby? Had to.
Lab partners.
We don't like her, right? Right.
Now go to math.
HARVEY: What was that all about? - Oh.
You know, just the usual pithy banter that peppers our school hallways.
You've been hanging out with Gordie an awful lot lately.
Harvey, we're talking about Gordie here.
The letter.
Oh! I don't think I'm out of line asking for an explanation.
And I have one.
It's just I'm having a hard time remembering one right now.
Is there a problem here, farm boy? - Because I need to talk to Sabrina.
- What is your cousin doing here? Updating me on my uncle.
We'll be right back.
- So how's it going with Salem? - He's fine.
But I have a problem with a jealous boyfriend and your stupid love letter.
- Now, please go away.
- Not without a goodbye kiss.
It's an Irish tradition.
Go.
Just how close a cousin is he? Do you think we should invite Mary Ann Mobley? She doesn't get along well with Castro.
Hey.
Thanks for drinking my soda.
What are you talking about? I've got my own right here.
Hey.
I'm just like Dr Pepper.
So misunderstood.
Caligula, now why on earth would you sneak home with us? ZELDA: Ew! - What you looking for? - I've completely lost track of Gordie.
Yeah, me too.
You know, he's not the guy I thought he was.
I'm pretty sure he tried to play footsie with me in Band.
I'll kill him.
I'm not that upset.
Gordie.
Gordie.
Okay.
I'm not imagining it.
You're calling out Gordie's name in the hall.
- Why are you so interested in him? - He owes me money? Would you check the boys' room for me? - Salem, help.
- Call the cops.
[CAT MEOWS.]
Or just sit there and do nothing.
Gordie's not in this bathroom either, but I did find Mr.
Congeniality.
- Hi, cutie.
- Hey.
Have you seen Salem? Last time I saw him, he was talking to some girl and an old guy in the cafeteria.
Something about how to win an election.
Oh, no.
Politics.
What did you say to her? None of your milk-fed business, farm boy.
This may not be a family I wanna marry into.
We start by announcing that Principal Larue has gout and a secret family.
- That's brilliant.
- Let the innuendo begin.
With my know-how and your hairline, we don't have to stop at this petty school election.
We could take over the world.
Ha-ha.
Did I say world? I meant state.
Oh, your biped days are over, cat.
Roland.
Roland.
- Oh, Mr.
Leprechaun.
- Aha.
So now it's Mr.
Leprechaun.
Wait a minute.
Mr.
Leprechaun? Maybe I put it in my locker.
HARVEY: Okay, now I'm beginning to get suspicious.
Now I remember.
I left the coupon at home.
Aha.
Wait a minute.
What coupon? [ZELDA SQUEALS.]
Roland? Where are you? Oh! I wish you would get over here.
Your wish is my command.
- Where's the coupon? - It's gone.
You wished for me to come here, so here I am.
What? You mean I blew my last wish? What am I gonna do? Salem's not only taking over the school, I think he skipped French.
- Now what? - We're bounty hunters, ma'am.
We're here to catch some lawbreakers.
One black cat-slash-boy, one former emperor of Rome, a Hilda, a Zelda, a Roland-- And a Sabrina.
- Gotta go.
- Get her.
Right this way, and no sudden moves.
I still don't know what I did wrong.
You let Charlie Toga Party exit the Other Realm and his time period.
Last time he got loose, the '60s happened.
ZELDA: Get your hand off my leg.
Oh, this is a great legal atmosphere.
Especially the vomitorium.
Sabrina, I can't believe you thought you would get away with changing Salem.
Although it does explain why I finally beat the cat at Scrabble.
Silence! The trials begin.
Now, who smuggled this miscreant into the mortal realm? - We didn't.
- He stowed away.
- Is this true? - Maybe.
But, Your Honour, speaking man to man, they wanted me.
We find Hilda and Zelda innocent, and Caligula is sentenced to another 100 years of unbridled decadence and nonstop partying.
Same old, same old.
Next case.
Who turned Salem into a human? Technically Roland the leprechaun did.
But I don't see what the big deal is.
I mean, I'm sure Salem's just hanging around school.
Really? And so it is with great pride that I announce my plans to run for governor.
If a wrestler can do it, why not a vice principal, huh? Thank you.
Thank you.
See? He is at school.
And you say this is Roland's fault.
Right.
Roland granted the wishes, which I didn't ask for, and I should've used on clothes, so isn't he responsible for the results? - Is that how you really see it? - Yes.
No.
I'm responsible.
I should have known better.
I just-- I felt so bad for Salem.
All I ask is that the court be lenient, and if possible, please let me skip the orgy.
Sabrina, we find you guilty of releasing a witch familiar, who is wreaking havoc on the world.
But since this is Rome, let's do as the Romans do.
- Speak Latin? - No.
Throw her to the lions.
Isn't that a little harsh? Why? She gets to take that peashooter.
Well, it's something.
Remember, Sabrina, lions can smell fear.
Oh, so bravery will cover the smell of my tender flesh? Before the carnage begins, ladies and gentlemen, our national anthem.
I hate it when Nero fiddles.
The home team always loses.
SABRINA: Hey.
It's Roland and Salem.
- Oh, thank Zeus.
I'm sorry I ducked out on you.
But I had to talk Charlie Power-monger here out of taking down Microsoft.
SALEM: I thought I could resist power, but I'm weak.
I didn't wanna hurt you, Sabrina.
I just wanted to rule you.
Your Honour, I'm ready to be a cat again.
Sabrina, once again you've dodged the bullet.
That's the name of the lion: Bullet.
Thank you, guys.
If you'll excuse me now, I think I'm gonna faint.
No.
She does not need mouth-to-mouth.
[SOBBING.]
Another 50 years as a cat.
By the time I work off this extra time, I'll be an old man.
Many people are vital in their later years.
- Look at John Glenn.
- You look at him.
You really should thank Roland for talking you into turning yourself in.
Oh, no thanks needed.
I did it for the love of a good woman.
Oh, so you met someone? You don't like the leprechaun thing, do you? That's why I start an exciting new job on Monday.
- Organ donor? - Bounty hunter.
So let's just hope next time we meet, it's not because there's a price on your head, pretty lady.
Well, I'm tired.
I'm going to bed.
I'm sorry I made you guys stand trial.
I was just trying to give Salem a nice present.
Apology accepted.
We're proud that you took responsibility for your actions.
HILDA: Now the bad news.
Because of the time change from Rome, it's time for you to go to school.
What? The sleep I get in school is never as good as the sleep I get in a bed.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Thought I already had the mumps, but it explains a lot.
Especially the low voice and narcissistic tendencies.
I'm just glad you're back to your old self.
Okay, this is hard, so I'm just gonna say it.
Do you wanna go to the Slicery? - I'd love to.
- Really? I can't understand why you took such a dive at the polls.
Well, I blame that carrot-top weasel, Gordie.
Mother always said that freckles are the devil's fresco.
Hello, Mr.
Kraft.
Here are your detention slips, son.
That ought to keep you occupied through grad school.
Rain check? - Hey.
- Harvey, listen.
I owe you an apology for being so distracted recently.
It's okay.
It's just nice to talk to you without hundreds of other men vying for your attention.
Sabrina.
I-- Oh.
You romantic, you.
- What? That's my signature.
- It was you all along.
Surprise.
I think I need a nap.
I recommend the desks in Language Lab.
[ZELDA YAWNS.]
- Have a nice nap, Zelda.
- You too.
Did we forget something? ZELDA: Oh, they must be here for Salem's party.
Salem's party.
Okay, don't panic.
Turn on some music.
I'll get some dip.
And the guest of honour.
Oh, hello, Mary Ann Mobley.
And what is Castro doing here?