Sex and the City s03e17 Episode Script

Here goes, Charles.
Two months into her marriage, Charlotte's life seemed to be a bed of roses.
That's what it looked like to an onlooker.
My boys have been playing each other since prep school.
They're still not tired of it.
Let the girls play.
She's wearing pastels.
It's whites only.
We can make an exception this one time.
Your father would roll over in his grave if he heard you.
Charlotte hasn't been issued a copy of the MacDougal house rules.
No, but it's time I got one.
It's next to the Bible, on your bed stand.
Funny.
Tradition is a very undervalued virtue.
Marrying a MacDougal is marrying history.
Yes.
I guess I better go change.
Charlotte had no interest in hearing any more about the family history.
Her history with Trey was depressing enough.
After a few half-baked attempts at a sex life, Trey seemed to give up.
The only place he even tried to score was on the tennis court.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Beautiful roses.
Thank you.
I don't knowwhat it is.
I'm strangely drawn to him.
- You knowthe man can plough.
- He had the most intoxicating scent.
Like sweat mixed with something, something sweet yet pungent.
- Manure? - And these full, sensuous lips.
- Does he water plants in Manhattan? - I can't be looking at gardeners.
Why be in the suburbs, if you're not gonna fuck a gardener? He was so tanned and muscular.
The sweat ran down from his chest onto his perfectly defined stomach.
You read Harlequin Romances in school, haunts you forever.
Whatever you do, don't look up.
Oh, my God, did you see the way she looked at me? Did you see the look her friend shot us? - Contempt, like I was Pol Pot.
- He's dead.
- She wishes I was.
- Who does she think she is? Big's wife.
That was awful.
I can't believe that there is a person in New York who could hate me that much.
Oh, God.
I was so devastated by Natasha's withering look that I decided my only recourse was to go shopping.
I took a wrong turn looking for the right shoes, and south of Houston Street I literally lost my direction.
Excuse me, I knowthis sounds ridiculous.
Can you tell me which way is West Broadway? - Give me your bag.
- What? Your bag.
- It's a baguette.
- Let me have it.
I couldn't believe it.
and when the city was getting safe, I got mugged.
- Is this for real? - Your watch and your ring.
Jesus.
- This won't - Come on.
- And your Manolo Blahniks.
- What? - No.
- Give me your Blahniks.
They weren't just after money.
They were after fashion.
Please, sir, they're my favorite pair.
I got them half price at a sample sale.
Thanks.
Somebody stop him, he took my strappy sandals.
Somebody Gross! I've been robbed! I've been robbed.
He said, "Give me your Blahniks", which I thought was a joke.
Then I'm barefoot on a sidewalk in the middle of summer.
Anything other than the watch, the bag, the ring, and the shoes? My dignity.
- God, are you all right? - I'm fine.
Thanks for coming.
- I can't believe he took your shoes.
- I know.
- Probably got trichinosis.
- You only get that from pork.
I'm sure I stepped on a piece of it somewhere.
Detective Stevens, this is my friend, my lawyer, Miranda Hobbes.
Nice to meet you.
Any chance of catching this guy? We hope so.
Maybe you can come with me and read him his Miranda rights.
- Sorry, that was lame.
- It was funny.
A little cop humor.
- Are you lrish? - No.
Why? You have beautiful red hair.
Anybody can be lrish with the right colorist.
Very funny.
A sense of humor, I like that in a lawyer.
It's very rare.
I'll get back to you as soon as I have something.
- Can I have your card? - Sure.
- Just in case.
- Sure.
Thanks.
I can't wear these.
I'll call you.
I don't understand.
I get mugged, and you get him? I guess that's my karma.
He said he'll call.
It doesn't mean he will.
What are you talking about? The man was smitten with you.
He probably wants free legal advice.
That's generally my karma.
Samantha discovered that her number had been passed around as well.
This is a message for Sam Jones.
If you're getting this, it's Brian.
I'll see you tomorrow around 10:00.
Can't wait.
Later.
Sam, are you there? This is Rob, Mike's friend.
You don't know me, but I'll be there tomorrowwith some party favorites.
- Hello, Sam? - Yes, this is Sam.
- Sam Jones? - Yes.
Who is this? The Sam Jones who's having the big party tomorrow night? Exactly who is this Sam Jones? And where is this fabulous party? The next evening, Miranda had a date with my detective.
I'm having an anxiety attack.
The most gorgeous man I've met is in my living room.
- I can't figure out what to wear.
- Breathe.
Shut your eyes, and go with your first instinct.
I've been in here for 20 minutes.
By now he thinks I'm a freak.
I'll be right there.
What are you so worked up about? He's too good-looking for me.
I don't have outfits that go with Hunk.
Wait.
Maybe this is karma.
- You're getting what you deserve.
- Right.
Maybe after years of odd men, the universe is throwing me a bone.
If you're lucky, a boner as well.
- OK, I can do this.
- Now go and have fun.
Tell Detective Stevens, if he sees a woman wearing pink suede Blahnik sandals, bring her in for questioning.
While I ascribed thoughts of karma to fortune cookie psychology, I wondered, does a string of bad dates equal one good one? And will treating someone badly in one relationship ensure that you'll be treated badly in the next? Does everything that goes around come around? If so, will it come around to bite you in the ass? Is there such a thing as relationship karma? Later, I accompanied Samantha to a party thrown by Sam Jones.
I can't believe we're going to the party of a total stranger.
It's not a total stranger, we do share the same name.
Why are you walking so slow? I keep waiting for someone to jump out and steal my bra.
If the guy's a loser, I'll tell him to stop having his friends call me, and we'll go for dinner.
If not, who knows? His friend sounded cute.
- How can you tell over the phone? - I can.
Besides, Washington Square - very money address.
I feel like there's some cosmic purpose to all this.
It's too much of a coincidence.
What was the cosmic purpose of my getting snubbed by Natasha? If I told you I had information about Big and Natasha, would you consider it cosmic or a random act of gossip? I'd have to hear it first.
Natasha left Big.
It's over.
She's back working for Ralph Lauren.
Oh, my God.
Who told you that? - A little bird I fucked at Ralph Lauren.
- You waited 15 blocks to tell me that? I wanted you to have fun.
I can't believe I'm responsible for breaking up their marriage.
You're not.
It probably wouldn't have worked anyway.
- I don't think I could feel any worse.
- Here we are.
- It's a dorm.
- Look at that, I feel worse.
Do you think these cute boys are still in college? Yes.
I'm going to find Sam Jones, and then we're outta here.
Excuse me.
Could you tell me where I can find Sam Jones? - Sam Jones? - Yeah.
Who are you? - Sam Jones.
- Excuse me? It appears that we have a problem here.
We have the same name, and I'm getting all your fucking calls.
If you're getting all my "fucking" calls, that explains why I'm still a virgin.
Samantha wondered what message the universe was sending her, but Miranda had no doubt.
This was fun, and I would invite you in, but you've been in, and I have a huge day tomorrow, which isn't to say I wouldn't like to see you again.
I would, if you'd like I'll call you.
She felt like she had just hit the cosmic jackpot.
Please don't tell anyone we were here.
Some of those boys were cute.
- Some of them were young enough - Don't you dare say it.
- Excuse me, ladies.
- Excuse me, Mom.
Cab! Natasha fell down the stairs, now I fall down the stairs.
This is an open and shut case of karmic retribution.
- It was an accident.
- This was not an accident.
Yesterday, I get mugged, now I can't even get a taxi - and I can always get a taxi.
My karma is shot.
If everything happens for a reason, why am I getting calls for Sam Jones? - What's the karmic connection? - I only know about my own karma.
Maybe I should fuck that virgin and give him the great first-time experience that I never had.
That's not karma, that's statutory rape.
Here, here.
Come on.
What's up? Across town, Charlotte was getting a message of her own.
Wake up.
You had a nightmare.
You're all wet.
Later that week, my knee still hurting from my trip down the stairs, I decided to take matters into my own hands.
- Ralph Lauren, Natasha's desk.
- I'd like to speak to Natasha, please.
- It's Carrie Bradshaw calling.
- What's this regarding? - It's personal.
- Hold.
I didn't know howto tell an assistant it was of cosmic significance.
- She's in a meeting.
- I'll hold.
I don't mean to be rude, but you'll be holding forever.
OK then, I'll hold forever.
This wasn't gonna be easy.
I had tough karma to overcome.
The next week, Charlotte flirted with her own karma.
Where did you get such a green thumb? Runs in the family.
We're gardeners for three generations.
What a wonderful tradition.
I'm Charlotte, by the way.
Trey's wife.
I know.
I'm Burt.
These roses are so beautiful.
What kind are they? A special hybrid of American Beauty.
They're very fragrant.
Charlotte's karma flirted back in a most unexpected way.
Samantha was working out some karmic issues of her own.
I came over to apologize for all those calls.
Thank you.
Anything else? I've been waiting for a woman like you my whole life.
You are the hottest thing I've ever seen.
Slow down.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, my Lord! Here we go.
That was awesome.
Yes, it was.
Sam? - Yes, Sam? - I think I love you.
Honey, that wasn't love.
That was sex.
No, ma'am.
I I love you.
Time to move.
- Do I have to? - Oh, yes.
I've got stuff to do.
Goodbye to the sweetest lips I've ever kissed.
Bye-bye.
Later, the MacDougals were enjoying their cocktail hour, which generally lasted from 5:00pm to last man standing.
- I beat you three sets in a row.
- We didn't finish.
- It was getting dark as you recall.
- Stop bickering.
- Sandwiches, ma'am? - No.
No, thank you.
I certainly had an interesting day.
I went riding.
In the afternoon, I took a walk around the property and saw Charlotte kissing the gardener.
Charlotte, you're a MacDougal now.
Samantha found that the universe had sent her many messages.
You have 35 new messages.
It's Sam Jones.
Call me.
I can't stop thinking about you.
I have to see you tonight.
It's really important.
Sam, it's Sam.
I don't think I can live without you, OK? Are you there, babe? I have to see you tonight.
It's really important.
OK, Sam.
It's Sam.
Across town, Miranda met her karmic treasure for dinner.
After ten years, I made partner two months ago.
Or was it three? I'm losing track.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Can I get you another drink? - Double vodka martini, please.
- And you, sir? - I'm fine.
- Would you care to order? - Could we have a minute? Take your time.
I thought about law school.
I loved Columbo so much as a kid Miranda realized that every woman was staring at her date.
Your friend is the typical case that I see on the job.
It's not as exciting as you might think.
It's not homicide She knewwhat they were thinking - why is that attractive man with her? If your friend hadn't lost her shoes, I wouldn't be here.
There you go.
Thank you.
She drank to feel better about herself.
Six vodka martinis later, she was feeling pretty damn good.
- You're hot.
- And you're a little drunk.
I'm fine.
I'm great.
Hot, hot, hot.
You may be the most beautiful man that I've ever been with.
You're not bad yourself.
I'm no Mena Suvari, but I'm great in bed.
When Trey didn't come to bed, Charlotte went looking for him.
- What are you doing out here? - lmproving my serve.
Stop.
You're upset, and what I did was so wrong.
- I'm sorry.
- What can I say? I'm unable to meet your needs, so from time to time, as much as I detest it, I'll have to look the other way.
I don't want a husband who looks the other way.
I want a husband who makes me not want to kiss the gardener.
No marriage is perfect.
So much of what we have is wonderful.
We can have separate lives and still be together.
It's totally acceptable.
As Charlotte looked at her perfect husband at their family's perfect country house, she realized the one thing that was missing was that perfect connection with an imperfect person.
When we get back to the city, I think we should separate for a while.
All righty.
Seven unreturned phone calls, and still no response from Natasha.
Buddhists believe you pay for what you do wrong in this life in the next.
I knewwhat I'd done.
I just didn't think I could wait a lifetime to be forgiven.
The next morning, Miranda woke up with the worst hangover of her life.
Detective Stevens? On her hall table, she discovered that Detective Stevens had left a number for her local AA chapter.
Samantha got her karmic retribution.
I love you, Sam Jones.
In screwing Sam Jones, she wound up screwing herself.
I love you, Sam Jones.
A few days later, Charlotte came home to her old apartment.
It was good fortune that she had only sublet it, not to mention good sense.
Not wanting to come back in my next life as a dung beetle, I asked Samantha's assistant to pump Natasha's assistant to find out where she was having lunch.
I need to talk to you.
- I'm gonna scream.
- I'm only gonna stay a minute.
I tried to call you at work, but Anyway, it's not important.
Can I have a sip of this? Thanks.
I heard about your marriage.
It's just so terrible.
I never meant for any of this to happen.
If there was something I could do to take it away, I would.
But I can't.
I came here today because I needed to say how sorry I am.
I am deeply sorry for what I did to you.
It was wrong.
I'm sorry.
Are you through? Yes.
Thank you for listening.
Wait.
I'm sorry, too.
You are? Yes.
I'm sorry about it all.
I'm sorry he moved to Paris and fell in love with me.
I'm sorry that we ever got married.
I'm sorry he cheated on me with you, and I'm sorry that I pretended to ignore it for as long as I did.
I'm sorry I found you in my apartment, fell down the stairs and broke my tooth.
I'm very sorry that after much painful dental surgery this tooth is still a different color than this tooth.
Finally, I'm sorry that you felt the need to come down here.
Not only have you ruined my marriage, you've ruined my lunch.
That's just what I had to say.
I was just leaving.
My actions had set into motion a karmic chain of events that put Natasha back on the singles market.
As if single women didn't have it hard enough.
Somewhere out there, Big was alone again.
The universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humor.