The Goldbergs s03e17 Episode Script

1 The '80s was the decade of great dance movies, but nothing had the moves or magic of the epic love story "Dirty Dancing.
" And no one loved it more than Beverly Goldberg.
Somebody who's taught me that there are people willing to stand up for other people no matter what it costs them.
Sit down, Jake.
Unfortunately, my mom dragged me to see it with her 17 times.
You said we could see "Spaceballs.
" There's no space or balls in this whole movie.
Hold my hand.
Live this with me.
My mom was so obsessed, she even bought a copy for the low price of $89.
99.
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
Nobody! My God, his arms are like glistening tree trunks.
And woof Mama like that mullet.
[snorts.]
ADULT ADAM: "Dirty Dancing" was the only thing that got my mom and sister to get along.
For the first time ever, they were, like, friends.
You know, this is actually based on a true story.
I'm pretty sure that's not true.
It's real, and you can't take that away from me.
Wait maybe it can be! The sucky losers on the school dance committee are still fighting over a theme.
We can do a "Dirty Dancing" dance! Are you telling me you get to live "Dirty Dancing," and I could live every moment through you? That's not what I'm saying at all.
It's decided.
We do this dance.
Aw, screw it! Help me plan it.
Lame! Sorry, ladies.
Truth bomb coming in! This one gonna hurt! "Dirty Dancing" sucks! No! Don't you ruin this for us! There's only one dance movie in this world that matters "Footloose"! - Go away! - Stop this at once! It has it all gymnastics, bros bonding secretly with dance, and a ruggedly handsome outsider who dances into the hearts of a small town.
Please! "Dirty Dancing" is at least realistic.
A beautiful girl dances into the hearts of a small resort.
No.
Patrick Swayze can only be a badass roadhouse bouncer, not some tight-pants-wearing mountain dancer.
You are grounded for six weeks! No TV or phone! But I need the phone to talk and the TV to watch television! That's the point.
Fine! You take away my "Footloose," I take away your "Dirty Dancing.
" - What? - No! - Hey! - No! Hands off my Swayze! He's a bouncer! No! Dancer! He is a bouncer! - He's a bouncer! - Dancer! - Dancer! - He's a bouncer! - Dancer! - Dancer! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was March 2nd, 1980-something, and my mom had one simple request of my dad.
Murray, there's something wrong with the wheels on this vacuum cleaner.
Can you come down and take a look at it? I just bought you a new used one nine years ago! I'm telling you, it's sticking.
See, if you just move it back and forth, you know? Seems fine to me.
Just move with it a little.
Just, uh, take a few steps forward and a few steps back.
- Yeah.
- There it goes.
Because I've had Just really get into the rhythm - of the vacuum.
- The time of my life Oh-ho-ho, no! I see what you're doing.
I am not dancing with you.
Damn it! I was inches away from having the time of my life.
Inches! And I [click.]
Hoo-hoo! That was a close one, huh? You mean, how you almost gave your wife the one thing she's desperately wanted for the last 25 years? The nerve of some people.
See? You get it.
Why doesn't she? Murray, it's important to her.
It's just dancing.
What's the big deal? For one thing, I literally have never danced a day in my life.
And based upon my current energy level, not gonna start soon.
Oh, stop.
Everyone's danced at some point.
Yeahhhh, not me.
You've never been in the shower and hummed a few bars? I'm all business in the shower.
Soap, rinse, out.
You've never once been driving, and Miami Sound Machine comes on and you tap your finger on the wheel? Tap my finger? Who am I, Gregory Hines? Are you trying to say that even as a little boy, you never once clapped your hands to the radio? My dad traded it for a bucket.
That's how I got my birthday bucket.
This is a nightmare! And you're to blame.
True.
And it's going to be the first school dance ever worth going to.
No.
When will this "Dirty Dancing" oppression end?! When will everybody cut loose, footloose, lick off your sundae spoons?! Sweetie, I keep telling you, the song is not about ice cream.
You don't know! No one does! Hey, pretty pretty.
Guess you're gonna be looking for a partner to practice those sensual moves with.
And it's not going to be you.
Come on, I know every single move that Swayze does in that movie.
- Seriously? - Ah, good for you.
Actually, I've never seen it, but I will now, and I will dedicate my life to becoming your own personal Swayze.
You go full Swayze, maybe I'll let you dance near me.
Proximity dance! It's a deal! Yeah.
No deal.
Hey! There is no way "Dirty Dancing" will ever be a theme at a school-sanctioned dance.
Give me one good reason! It's literally got "dirty" in the title, not to mention it's wildly inappropriate.
Inappropriate?! "Wildly inappropriate.
" That piece of human [bleep.]
doesn't know what's inappropriate for children.
He said the theme's gonna be "Soda Pop Hop.
" It's over, Mom.
Over? Did Johnny Castle give up when he was unjustly fired from Kellerman's? No, he did not.
That's right! He came back and danced dirty, and so will you after I march down to that school and give Principal Ball a piece of my mind.
No.
Let me march.
- You want to march? - I do.
- Down there?! - Yes! To demand unrealistic changes to school policy, with a complete disdain for reason and common sense? I learned from the best.
I've never been prouder to call you my daughter.
And I've never been proud to be your daughter until now.
And so, for the first time, Erica Goldberg marched down to school and channeled Beverly Goldberg.
And if you still say no, I'll go above your shiny head to the PTA.
No, the school board.
No, the secretary of education.
So, what do you and your coffee-stained tie have to say to that? - A month's detention.
- What?! That's not how this is supposed to work! The thing is, I'm an adult, and the way you're speaking to me is completely unacceptable.
But I'm a Goldberg.
This is what we do.
And fortunately for both of us, you're not your mother [chuckling.]
and she's not here right now.
But I think we could compromise on something besides a dirty dance.
A compromise, huh? Okay, door's always open, but no more steamrolling me! I want your respect.
Understand? Uh, I'm not following.
[sighs.]
Thank goodness that's over.
As Erica was channeling my mom at school, my dad was being schooled by Pops.
Ah, Murray, perfect timing.
Come over here, take a seat.
I want you to look at that handsome young man and tell me what you see.
Someone who was still able to drop his pants in peace.
No! This is a photo of your first dance, your first act as a married man, and you're not even moving.
I moved plenty that day.
I walked down the aisle, I stepped on the glass, I walked back up the aisle.
I was a regular Carl Lewis.
Damn it, Murray, when you asked for my daughter's hand, you said you'd do everything you could to make her happy.
Does that look like happiness to you? Ugh.
Fine! I'll do one dance, but I'm not moving my lower half.
Did someone say "dance instructor"? No! Where did you even come from?! Come on! It's like "Footloose"! You're the dopey farm boy, and I'm Kevin Bacon! Let me be your Bacon! Don't distract me with bacon.
I'm not dancing.
Come on! - Everybody cut footloose - Yeah! Feel the beat! There's nothing wrong with two bros bonding over dance.
Barry, this is a delicate situation.
You're making it worse! Well, the infectious music of Kenny Loggins will win him over.
It's not winning him over.
The human body is literally programmed to love Loggins.
He can't say no! No! - [click, music stops.]
- Hey! What if I told you there was a way that you could be a dancing god without ever having to move your body? No! Don't listen to him! - I'm listening.
- All you got to do is raise your hands over your head.
- At the same time? - Yes.
You're gonna listen to this lazy-eyed nerd when you have this at your disposal? I'm gonna go with Adam's easy thing.
ADAM: Okay, if you can pull this off with Mom, you'll never have to dance again.
Are you insane? I can't do that! And neither could Ferris Bueller's lame-ass sister.
That is, until she learned how.
I'm in a pool.
I don't want to be in a pool.
In the movie, they were in a lake.
Would you rather be in a lake? I'd rather be in my chair! Put your hands up.
I'll jump to you.
You catch me.
1 2 3.
Aah! My soft-belly meat! I'm cold.
Let's forget this.
This is your chance to make Mom feel loved and delighted! I'm freezing and miserable! Don't you swim away from me! What is that, a doggy paddle? You're a grown man! While my dad's plan to dance sank, Erica was ready to rise to the occasion.
Mom, guess what? I actually got Principal Ball to say yes, so the dirty dance is back on.
Well, that is very surprising to me, Schmoop-aloo! [chuckling.]
I can't believe I did it.
Uh, you! You did it, not me.
I was here [chuckles.]
mopping.
The dance is back on? That means I can still Swayze you.
Let it go, Jeff.
I'm not gonna sensually gyrate with you.
I'm sorry, "gyrate"? If I'm gonna get dirty with anyone, it's gonna be Marc McGonagle.
Marc McGonagle? Erica, I'm begging you.
Give me a chance to groove all up on you.
No.
Do not do that.
Let our bodies speak without words.
Stop! Nobody's body is speaking to any other bodies.
This is just a school dance.
Dirty dance.
Ugh, again with that awful movie.
Think about it, dude.
The school is letting us dirty-dance.
They want us to get freaky.
Unh! Ladies' man Cogan bringing it dirty, y'all! That was not in the movie.
Yeah, we never saw the movie, but the title says it all.
Guys, if you're gonna dirty-dance, at least do it right.
What have I done? - Florida.
- Yes.
After my dad's botched dance lesson, it seemed this was as close to "Dirty Dancing" as he would get.
Look at him.
Has to be special effects.
No man can lift a tiny lady like that.
You're finally watching that movie, huh? I know I promised I'd take Bevy out dancing, but I can't do it.
I'll look stupid.
Since when do you care about how you look? You spend half your life puttering around this house in your underpants.
Well, that's about comfort.
It's also a warning shot to outsiders that you're not welcome.
All I'm saying is, you always care less about what other people think.
Why is this different? Let me be honest with you.
[sighs.]
I don't like to move my body.
Yeah, we've met.
Now, the thing is, I'm afraid.
Dancing in front of all those people with their judgy eyes I-I can't do it.
Well, you'll never know how you'll look if you don't try.
Pops was right.
My dad had to see for himself.
Luckily, he spotted my trusty camera.
And, with no one around, he decided to give dancing a shot.
He grooved, he grinded, he gyrated, he did whatever this is.
Look at me! Ha ha ha! I'm a guy who dances now! He danced like no one was watching, and luckily, no one was.
Just a reminder, I will be performing with with my barbershop quartet, The Princi-pals, at the open mike Thursday ni-i-ght Stop the announcements.
We need to talk.
No, no, no, no, no! We had an agreement over stern eye contact that if I gave in to your daughter's dance demands, you would stay far away from my office.
But that was before I realized that you were right and there can be no dance.
But you forced me to flip-flop! I flipped! I can't flop back! I didn't know how dirty that dance was gonna be! Which is why I wanted it to be a Soda Pop Hop! It was my favorite dance as a teen, but no one's embraced it.
Well, I'm embracing it, Earl.
Fine! The dirty dance is once again dead.
One thing my daughter, Erica, must never know that I had anything to do with this.
[whispering.]
I think that's your mom! Yes, thank you, Lainey! You.
Hey! What's up, best friend who's also my daughter? The P.
A.
system was on the whole time.
The whole school heard every crazy word you said.
Oopsie.
You completely betrayed me.
Who does that?! A normal mama who loves you and you love back? For once, I thought we were a team and had something in common.
Turns out, we never will.
As Erica left my mom feeling low, my dad was still high on his sweet moves.
Hoo-hoo! Look at me go! I have to admit, at first, I was a little bit nervous, but now [laughing.]
look at me! [click, music stops.]
Burn this.
I'm sorry? This must never be seen by anyone.
I'm not following.
If you love my daughter, you won't do any of this ever again.
You said I wouldn't know if I could dance until I tried.
Well, you tried and now we know.
You cannot and should not dance.
- - Look at this.
Oh, no! Adam, no, turn away! It'll change you forever! Oh, no, no, no! What am I looking at?! Turn away! I want to, but I can't.
It's like the Ark from "Raiders"! You promised you wouldn't judge me, but I'm feeling a lot of judging right now.
Don't make yourself the victim in this.
That boy is the victim.
All I did was walk into the room.
Okay, I know you're super pissed at Mom.
Well, I got good news.
Let my sanctuary heal you! I come here to release my angry rage that I always have.
- How? - A little thing called - the angry dance.
- That's not a thing.
Tell that to Kevin Bacon's body double in "Footloose.
" ["Footloose" plays.]
Go on.
Angry-dance! Unleash your pain with tumbles and flips! You're an idiot.
I'm trying to help you here.
The only thing you're doing is proving what a dope you are.
Your words make me so angry! Dance it out, Barry.
Dance it out.
I've been working so hard I'm punching my card Eight hours for what? Oh, tell me what I got I've got this feeling That time's just holding me down I'll hit the ceiling Or else I'll tear up this town Now I gotta cut loose Footloose Kick off the Sunday shoes Loose, footloose Everybody cut footloose [music stops.]
Now it's your turn.
Fight the power with dance! Okay, I will never do what you just did.
But you were right about one thing.
I can and will fight the power with dance.
Since when do we need permission to dance dirty? We are gonna go to that dance and get dirty whether Principal Ball likes it or not.
That's right.
You can't stop this.
Exactly, although never do that again.
The Soda Pop Hop was in full effect.
It was less than thrilling.
The '50s suck.
To think I dressed up in my good Rush shirt and everything.
Thankfully for every kid in that gym, Erica and her friends had other plans.
It's 21:00.
Operation "Dance My Way Into Erica's Heart" is a go.
- That is not the name! - It's way too long.
Yep, Erica was a girl on a mission make a squeaky-clean dance a little more dirty.
Baby has the watermelon.
- Roger.
- 10-4.
- I love sharing secrets with you! - You're so loud.
- Way too loud.
- I knew it.
Sometimes loving dreams really do come true Hey, dude, some guy, like, barfed on your van.
What? Who? Who? Uh me? I'll kill you! It was a needlessly intricate plan that was ready to rock 'n' roll that is, until Barry rolled up.
It's boom time! Stop! I don't know what this is, but stop! It's a confetti cannon.
Now cut-up paper will endlessly rain down on us like in the final scene of "Footloose.
" I told you this is "Dirty Dancing," not "Footloose"! Hello? An authority figure has banned us from moving our bodies.
Seriously, Erica, I pity you.
I pity you both.
There is no way I'm letting you ruin this wonderful Soda Pop Hop! Both of you, out! If I'm going out, I'm going out dirty! Hit it, Lainey! And just like that, my sister took a leap of faith.
- Now I've had the time of my life - No! It's a dance about soda! - No, I never felt like this before - Just like you practiced, dude.
You can do this.
- Yes, I swear - Too fast! - Slow down! - It's the truth Maybe too big.
Ohhh, I just blew it.
BARRY: And footloose! Tell me where she is, and I'll get the ball rolling by calling her a moron.
My office.
And it is thrilling to finally be on the same page for once.
I'm so sorry about all of this, Earl.
I never should've shown her that movie.
It's just too dirty for a child to handle.
I get it.
I'm a parent, too.
Our job is to save these kids from themselves, even if it means crushing a dream or two.
Good luck.
It turned out, my mom was living "Dirty Dancing," but she wasn't Baby she was her controlling parent, Jerry Orbach, and that was a role she refused to play.
Mom, I know I screwed up humiliated myself.
Got cake in my ear and inhaled some confetti.
And I'm grounded for life, which I deserve.
No, you don't.
What? So, you wanted to live "Dirty Dancing.
" Nobody gets that more than me.
I'd love to be Baby [chuckles.]
get swept off my feet and spun around the dance floor.
Honestly, it's all I've ever wanted.
[chuckles.]
I know it can't happen for me, but, uh, it still can for you.
What are you saying? Nobody puts my baby in a corner.
And so, with the help of our mom, Erica cleaned herself off and took center stage to have the time of her life.
Now I've Had the time of my life No, I never felt like this before Yes, I swear It's the truth And I owe it all to you-ou [crowd cheers.]
I've been waiting for so long I think she gets that from me.
What in heaven's name is happening? I brought you here to shut this nonsense down, not make it worse! The dirty dance is back on! You might want to Orbach these kids, but not me.
- I miss the '50s.
- Just remember You're the one thing Just look at them.
It's not even 9:30.
Hey, I know it's not "Footloose," but will you just dance a little? For me? I'll do it but I won't like it.
This could be love Because I've had The time of my life No, I never felt this way before Sure, we didn't magically do the same dance number like in the movies.
In fact, most of us weren't good dancers at all.
But for the first time, it didn't seem to matter.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey, baby I'm really doing it! I can't believe it, either! - [gasps.]
My baby is Baby! - With my body and soul I want you more than you'll ever know Wow.
Um, that was something.
It was everything.
Like you.
Yes, I know what's on your mind You talked and ruined it.
Of course.
When you say "Stay with me tonight" Look at her go.
Living her dream.
- You're the one thing I can't get enough of - It's time you live yours, too.
Come on.
Ohh.
In that moment, my mom wasn't just watching "Dirty Dancing" for the 18th time.
She was living it for the very first.
It's all she ever wanted.
No, I never felt this way before For one unforgettable night, everyone in that gym felt like Jennifer Grey.
We moved like Swayze and were as footloose as Kevin Bacon.
We all ruled that dance floor, and it was epic.
The time of my life - - No, I never felt this way before Yes, I swear, it's the truth - - And I owe it all to