The Last Man On Earth (2015) s03e17 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Last Man on Earth - Uh I do.
Okay.
- I do, too.
TANDY: Mr.
and Mrs.
Chartres-Rodriguez! GAIL: You have to tell him I'm delivering the baby.
The only thing that man is qualified to deliver is rancid farts.
I'm ready.
You think so? I know so.
Okay.
Oh, God.
There you have it, a healthy baby.
She wants me to deliver the baby.
I wouldn't want anybody else to deliver our baby.
Gonna need a flight attendant.
That would be me? Guys, my water broke.
Oh, farts.
(exhaling sharply) Okay, guys, it's go time.
Can we bring it in for a sec? Great, I'll bring it to you.
Now, we're about to witness the first new life of our new world.
Isn't that exciting? Huh? (Carol and Tandy chuckle) Now, just to avoid any confusion, I'd like to sketch out the chain of command.
So, uh, Gail is the pilot in here, - Todd is obviously her copilot - Hey.
and I'm just the flight attendant, you know? The X factor, if you will.
It doesn't mean I'm not important.
Heck, I might be the, uh, most important person in here, huh? You know, like in The Breakfast Club how that janitor is the eyes and ears of the school.
Well, you know, I'm like the, uh, you know, the penis and testicles and pubic hair of this, uh, makeshift delivery room.
But, uh, uh, Gail is the brains, you know, and she runs this show, huh? She has the conch.
Gail, now, you, please, uh, take this baby out of Erica.
Erica, get up on the table now.
- Please.
- GAIL: Tandy.
She's in early labor.
She's got to keep walking around to get things moving.
TODD: Yeah, we've got a few hours yet, so Well, is there anything I can do? Yes, actually, could you run and go get me some tape? Yeah.
Oh, I got some right here.
Sorry, it's only Scotch, masking, and duct.
What's it for? These are the pages that I'm gonna need if anything goes wonky.
I'm gonna tape them up there just in case.
Ugh, the day I don't pack double-sided! What were you thinking, Carol? Ooh, yeah, we'll just go with Scotch.
Here, let me, uh, - get those for you, huh? - Thanks, Tandy.
Hey, Gail, don't even waste your friggin' breath on thanks.
You got a job to do.
I'm only here to blend into the background and make sure everything goes exactly right.
Hey, I don't want thanks any more than the common angel from heaven.
So what are all these things? Uh, all the little curveballs, you know.
Cord stuff, uh, hemorrhaging, God forbid C-section, that kind of stuff.
Whoa, looks like there's a lot of pages.
Oh, don't worry.
Most likely we won't even need those.
Since we have a few hours till showtime, uh, you know, anybody want any snacks or drinks? I'm taking orders.
Todd, what can I get for you? M-M just water.
One agua for the big guy.
I can do sparkling, still, tap and toilet.
JK, there's no tap.
You know, whatever's fine.
Thank you, but - Toilet it is.
- ERICA: Oh.
Here comes another contraction.
Oh, holy balls! (groans) Holy balls.
Okay, you know what, I'm just gonna go do I'm just gonna go.
I just need to get out of here.
(Erica groaning loudly) (laughing): Okay.
Ugh.
(panting) (exhales slowly) Remember when we first met in D.
C.
and we thought we were the only people on the planet? I never would have dreamed that one day I'd be delivering your baby.
Well, I always knew.
(laughs) Oh, oh, no more laughing.
It hurts too much.
Oh.
Here, hon, have some water.
Yeah, you got to stay hydrated.
(quietly): Okay, now, the stuff that I put up there on top is a little bit cooler than what was already in there, so I would give it a couple of minutes to settle.
Should we put on some music or something? Oh, that would be nice.
TODD: Yeah.
When the going gets rough The tough get rough And when the going gets rough The tough get rough.
I was thinking more spa music.
Yeah, I think Melissa's got some CDs.
- Yeah, that would be - TODD: Sure.
Let me sail, let me sail Let the Orinoco Flow Let me reach, let me beach On the shores of Tripoli Sail away, sail away, sail away Just take a boat - And sail away to Orinoco.
- GAIL: Okay.
Tandy.
We really could use a cold washcloth.
Sure.
Done and done.
Yeah.
What are we talking about coldwise? Like Alaskan glacier, summer breeze, uh, dank basement Whichever one's farthest away.
- That would be mountain stream, yeah.
- Oh.
I think you'll be very happy.
Oh, you're gonna love this stuff.
Yeah.
Oh! (groans) Breathe into it, sweetie.
Just breathe into focus on that little miracle that you and Philip created.
Oh, Phil.
I miss him.
Yeah, we all do, but you know what? I know he's watching over you, and he's gonna help us today.
He always did have a way of calming us down, didn't he? I know you can do this on your own.
Well, I'm off to get you guys what you need.
Wink, wink.
(laughs) Why are you winking over a washcloth? You'll see.
(laughs) - (glass breaks) - Oh! (laughs) Well, look at that.
Todd's water broke, huh? Didn't know you were pregnant.
Boom.
(Tandy laughs) Water broke? I hardly knew her broke.
Boom.
God, rich area.
Nobody walk around here.
(women laughing) Carol.
Carol.
(women laughing over stereo) What are you listening to? The CD to which I am listening is called sounds of laughter.
And it's recordings of people laughing.
This track is called "Girls Night Out.
" But my favorite is "Church Giggles.
" (people snickering) (recording stops) So, did it happen? Not yet.
It's taking too long.
Something's wrong.
Everything's fine, Carol.
Look, I was just trying to see if Jasper could hang out with you.
I wanted to try to keep him away from the (Erica shouting in distance) Oh.
You can hear it up here, too.
Did that sound normal to you? Yes.
That sounded very normal, Carol.
Is Erica gonna die? Yes, I think so, Jasper.
- Oh.
Carol! - CAROL: What? Did you not hear her? If that didn't sound like a death wail, (laughs): then I'm a paper clip.
(quietly): Carol, can you try not to be so morbid around Jasper? How? Did you not see that list of things that could go wrong? One of them was a prolapsed anus.
I did see that one.
Um, Jasper, this isn't gonna work out, either.
Let's go.
Carol, I'll be back for you later.
Try to stay calm.
(scoffs) I'm calm.
I'm cume as a calmcumber.
(chuckling) (people laughing over stereo) (Carol laughs) What's a prolapsed anus? It's when you poop your butt.
Oh, I hate this.
(weak laugh) One washcloth, as requested, courtesy of one (deep voice): Mr.
Phil Miller.
Oh, what are you doing? A little birdie named Tandy told me that, uh, you know, my presence had been requested.
Oh, God! (chuckles) He also told me that there might be a little tension in here, seeing as, uh, what had happened the last time we had seen each other my death on the operating table at your presence and such.
Well, thank you for putting that in our heads.
I don't blame you for anything, Gail.
- My tummy was all messed up.
- (groans): Oh And there's nothing you could have done to save me.
But look, things couldn't be better up here in heaven.
I took out the guitar, and I started jamming with Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon, and Kurt Cobain of Nirvana, and Tony Levin, a wonderful session bassist who's worked with everyone from King Crimson to Mr.
Sledgehammer himself, Pete Gabriel.
Okay, are we winding this up soon? And, Todd Yeah, bud? I couldn't be happier that you offered to take my place as the father of my child.
You know, uh, Tandy was the logical choice, but, uh, you know, I was so jealous that he had gone back to my ex, Carol, that I offered it to you.
And I'll do my best, uh, Phil.
Do what you can.
- And, Erica - No.
- my little bloomin' Funyun.
- No.
I got a message for you from God.
He says, "I can't wait to meet you" Oh "in a hundred damn years!" That voice is insulting.
(normal voice): What? My voice is dead-on! (deep voice): Tandy! Tandy, get out of here! Tandy, leave me alone.
Gas goes bad.
Gas goes bad.
Tandy! (normal voice): See, there it is.
- No.
- (deep voice): Oh, my face! Hey, guys, Carol's freaking out.
She needs some company.
Tandy, can you take Jasper to the park? OTHERS: Yes.
Uh, but what about the waters? Really liking the park idea.
(deep voice): Say no more, big guy.
Jasper, you ready, child? Don't talk like that.
(normal voice): Oh.
Uh, okay.
(women laughing over stereo) (recording stops) "Carol Andrew Pilbasian Miller, loving wife, devoted friend, died in childbirth after a torturous, protracted, bloody labor.
" Yeah.
You're not writing a damn obituary.
Oh, no, newspapers do it in advance all the time.
No, I mean you have to stop fixating on all the bad things that could happen.
(Erica screams in distance) ERICA: Just give me a bloody epidural! How can I stop fixating when all I can hear is Erica playing didgeridoo on death's doorstep? Look, I know it's scary, but that's part of the package.
You know, it's like turbulence on an airplane.
Nobody likes it, but it's a fact of flying.
Well, this turbulence has been lasting the whole ding-a-ling flight.
And I'm trying to ride it out, but the seat belt sign is on, and I have to pee like a race course.
And I'm trying to distract myself by flipping through my Hemispheres magazine and checking out all of Jason Biggs' favorite steak houses in El Paso, but it's not doing the trick, 'cause this plane's a-rockin', and I'm a-gonna die in childbirth.
(women laughing over stereo) Carol, you and Erica are going through this together.
So if you aren't gonna be a "devoted friend," I think you got your obituary wrong.
So what do you say? (beeping steadily) (groans) Just try it.
Just give me an epidural.
Hey, you know I can't do that.
It involves placing a needle next to your spine.
Just try! This has to stop.
- It could paralyze you, hon, - You can do it.
- that's the thing.
- You can do it.
I don't care! I don't want to feel anything ever again! Oh, here comes another one.
- It's okay.
You got this.
- (screaming) There you go, come on.
You got this.
Just breathe.
Breathe, honey.
You can't hold your breath.
- Come on, sweetie.
- TODD: Breathe.
- Breathe.
There you go Erica! - (groans weakly) - Erica! Erica.
Erica, hon.
- Hey! - Erica! - Breathe! Erica, can you hear me? - Hon, can you hear me? - GAIL: Oh, my God.
Erica? Erica, hon.
Erica? Can you hear me? Oh, my God, did she pass? Hon, can you hear me? Put her body in a peaceful position before rigor mortis sets in.
She just passed out.
They know what they're doing.
What do we do?! What do we do?! Todd, we talked about this.
Don't you freak out on me right now.
Gail, I'm trying not to freak out, but I am freaking out, okay? This is just like last time.
It's lack of oxygen.
It's just she's hyperventilating.
Smelling salts.
Okay, you guys go see if the smelling salts are over there.
Oh, the day I don't bring my salt purse! Okay, found 'em.
(Erica cries out) Gracias al santo nino de atocha.
What happened? You passed out just for a couple seconds, - but we're out of the woods now.
- What? See? A little turbulence.
- (groaning) - Huh? - Okay.
- Okay.
- Um, Todd? - Yeah? What is it? - What is it? - No, no.
What is it?! You're doing great.
You're doing so good.
One second, okay? I'm so proud of you.
I just I've got to check one thing with you.
Yeah, okay, she needs me.
So you-you just stay and breathe.
In through your nose, - out through your mouth, okay? - Okay.
TODD: Huh? - Oh, my God.
- What? Looks like we're back in the woods.
What? Breech.
Carol! "Things I can't handle" for 400, Alex.
(quietly): Gail, Gail, are you sure it's a breech? (quietly): Of course I'm freakin' sure.
I felt an ass.
Well, how do you know it was an ass? I know what a baby's ass feels like, Todd.
Well, you did an ultrasound yesterday, you said the baby was in position.
That was yesterday.
Well, why did it change? I don't frickin' know.
You think somebody puts some blue scrubs on me, that makes me a doctor? Okay, what do we do now? ERICA: What's happening? Is something wrong? - Oh, you're doing so good! - Oh, you look amazing.
- I mean, you're absolutely glowing.
- Remember, don't sweat the small stuff, and it is all small stuff.
- What she said, absolutely.
- So proud of you.
Good, good, good.
- (quietly): What's the book say? - A million different things.
- Oh, Lord - Hey! Do you know what went wrong with Phil? Yeah, I couldn't stop the bleeding.
Bleeding couldn't be stopped.
But what went wrong was that we made you think that you two had to stop it alone.
And I'm not gonna let that happen again.
(sighs) Now show me what the book says.
Okay, so all you have to do is coat the sleeping bag in vegetable oil, and then use it like a magic carpet down the slide.
Like this? Let me help you out.
See, in the oil-sliding game, you never skimp on the glug-glug.
Now, isn't this more fun than hanging out at home with all that yelling and screaming? They just didn't want you around.
Ha! Didn't want me around.
What do you say we hit that slide? I'm just sad that Erica's gonna die.
Wait, what? Wait, Jasper, she's not gonna die.
Hey, childbirth is easy.
That's why I let Gail and Todd take that.
Heck, you have more of a chance of dying on this slide than Erica has of dying in childbirth.
Okay, see you at the bottom.
It's breech? Hey, Erica.
It's okay.
We're just gonna take this one step at a time.
First thing we need to do is turn the baby over.
So, how do we do that, Gail? Okay, you each need to take a leg, and I'll tell you what to do after that.
I'm scared.
We're here, okay? (exhales slowly) (people laughing over stereo) CAROL: "Carol Andrew Pilbasian Miller has died.
She was remembered as a survivor of the virus, a master bedazzler" - What else? - (Erica screams in distance) ERICA: God, make it stop! And a big fat coward.
(laughter continues playing) (Tandy laughing, whooping) (laughs) (laughs) Let's do that again.
Now, Jasper, I did a little thinkeroo on my slide, and I just want to boomerang back to the Erica of it all, if I may.
Now, look, bud, she's not dying.
See, babies are quite large, but the openings they come out of are quite small.
It's a design flaw.
Uh, so what you were hearing was just totally natural.
Erica's baby had been sitting in her stomach for, like, nine months, you know, eating her poo and drinking her pee.
And, like most nine-month-old fetuses, you know, they start looking for a lifestyle that was a little less gross.
So, they decide, very obviously, to move to the outside world.
And the screaming you were hearing from Erica was just, you know, the baby winding its way through her intestines.
Okay.
So, why'd you think she was dying? Because everyone I meet dies.
Oh, that's not true.
I mean, you know, I can see why you would think that.
I used to think that, but it's not.
Look, Todd, Gail, Carol, Erica, Melissa, you and me? We're made from something different.
Something that keeps us going that other people didn't have.
And it's gonna keep us going for a long, long time.
So, don't you worry.
None of us are dying any time soon.
That's right.
Everything is gonna be just fine? Okay, Melissa, you just you got to hold those legs.
Okay.
(straining): What's happening? It's okay, sweetie, but we just got a stubborn little baby here that doesn't want to get into place.
You really got to hold both It's hard for me to try I can't do both.
Todd, can you grab - the other leg? - I'm on belly here.
I can't, all right? Okay, well, where the hell is Carol? We really could use another set of hands here.
She's too busy pussing out.
Or is she too busy pussing in? Give me a leg.
Thank you, Carol.
Yeah.
Todd, I need you to apply just firm pressure - right here.
- TODD: Okay.
And we're-we're just gonna flip this little sucker, okay? Okay, you got it.
Just coax and cajole.
Coax and cajole.
Coax and cajole.
- Ah, I got this.
- GAIL: Mm-hmm.
Hey, little stinker.
I got a present for you out here, but it's only for born people.
Huh? It's kind of a Born Ultimatum.
(chuckles): That's kind of fun.
Is it gonna bug you guys if I do some off-kilter commentary? You just do you, Carol.
But just remember to hold that leg.
Okay, come on, Todd.
- TODD: Yeah.
- Firm pressure, - right there.
- Copy that.
- Yeah.
- What if instead of physical pressure, Todd did verbal pressure? Like, "Hey, 20 seconds on the clock!" And then Todd was all like (laughs) Are you guys still enjoying this? GAIL: Okay.
Oh, my God, we did it.
- GAIL: The baby's head's in place! - What? - Yes! - Yeah, yes! Yes! - TODD: Yes! - GAIL: Oh, my God.
Oh (whimpers) Okay, Erica it's go time.
(laughs shakily) (fire crackling) What is this place? - (straining) - GAIL: Okay, Erica.
You are so close.
Okay, on this next push, give it everything you got.
(straining): Okay.
Okay, here it comes, here it comes.
(screaming) You're doing so good, Erica.
(straining) TODD: Oh, my God, I can see the head.
(sobbing): It's got hair.
I don't why that's getting to me, but it is.
(sobbing): Oh She comes.
- (baby crying) - It's a girl! Oh! Yes! I got it, I got it, I got it! (laughter, excited chatter) A girl.
(sobbing) You did it, Erica.
(sobbing): It's just too much! (baby fussing) She is so beautiful.
Oh (sobbing softly) (sobbing) (baby cooing) What are you gonna call her? And keep in mind, you promised not to use the name Bezequeel.
(sniffles) I was thinking Dawn.
Because it's the dawn of a new day.
(cooing) (sobbing): It really is.
(laughing) (laughter) (fire crackling in distance) Oh, farts.