The Nanny s03e17 Episode Script

I hope Fran's okay.
She's never been late for breakfast.
Oh, I'm sure Miss Fine's all right.
It takes time for her to roll out of bed, throw on a robe.
Well, and then there's the slipper dilemma.
Fuzzy or formal marabou-feather pom-pom? Good morning, everyone.
Miss Fine, why aren't you undressed? You know, I've dreamt of you asking me that question.
Only you guys weren't there.
But Niles was.
What that man could do with a feather duster.
Don't ever let him go.
You guys already started breakfast? Gee, I was gonna suggest we all go out to eat, you know, for a change.
Well, Miss Fine, I rather prefer to stay at home.
Niles is the only one who knows how to make my breakfast just the way I like it.
Toast and eggs? Please.
Daniel Day-Lewis could make that with his left foot tied behind his back.
Although, who would want to eat it? Come on, aren't you sick of the same old routine? I don't have a routine, Miss Fine.
Of course you do.
I come in here every morning.
I sit down.
You say I look gorgeous.
Well, I don't do that.
Well, start.
- Oh, just one piece of toast - Oh, just one piece of toast - this morning, Niles.
- this morning, Niles.
- I think I overdid it this - I think I overdid it this - weekend.
- weekend! Just what is your problem, Miss Fine? We're in a rut, honey.
I mean, Mr.
Sheffield.
Nothing ever changes around here.
I mean, it's Monday morning, which means Miss Babcock has just arrived.
She's handing Niles her coat.
She's saying, "Careful, I just cleaned my fur.
" To which he responds, "Well, don't cough up any hairballs.
" And right about now, she's getting even with him.
Miss Babcock is here.
Oh, Fran, can you help me with this? It's really hard.
Homework? No.
A Cosmo quiz.
Oh, sure, honey.
Let's see.
Oh, "Is your man making the cut or are you in a rut?" Wow, this should be very informative.
Yeah, I want to see if Peter and I - Now - Fran, you got a minute? - Uh - Oh, Fran, it's okay.
I mean, I probably should be doing my homework.
Oh, sweetie, you're a gorgeous, blonde heiress.
You need trigonometry like a hole Oh, here you go.
Take your pen, go upstairs, do your homework.
Fran, I made a play date for tomorrow.
Uh-oh, tomorrow's my manicure day.
That's okay.
Oh, no, it isn't, honey.
I mean, my personal business should never interfere with you and your friends.
Can't you change the play date? Fran, I don't know how to say this without hurting you.
Well, just be honest.
I don't want you to come with me.
Haven't you ever heard of a white lie? I think I'm old enough to go alone.
Alone? What are you, six? I'm 10.
Wow! Are you short for 10? I just don't think I need my nanny sitting there, watching me play with my friends.
It's kind of embarrassing.
Uh, perhaps I should explain what a white lie is.
Hi, Miss Babcock.
Gee, that outfit looks fabulous on you.
Why, thank you, Nanny Fine.
You don't think it's too tailored? No, not at all.
Very sexy.
That was a variation on a white lie known as lying through your teeth.
But, you know, you gotta be careful because if you make it too obvious, they're gonna see right through it.
Fran, I really want to go alone.
Although, I'll miss the sound of your voice.
It's so soothing.
Thank you, sweetheart.
So, can I go or not? Honey, what are you so anxious to grow up for anyway? I mean, at your age, it's cute to be single.
Fran, if you don't have to stay there babysitting me, you'll have more time for yourself.
Sweetie, it's my job.
What do you think? I need to go to the movies or have lunch with Val or go shopping You know what? We'll try it once.
We'll see if you like it.
Can you imagine, Miss Fine thinking I'm predictable? Me.
- Mr.
Spontaneity.
- Spontaneity.
Niles, you don't think I'm predictable, do you? Well, predictable is good.
Predictable is solid.
Oh, God, even I knew I was gonna say that.
Well, if I were you, sir, I'd do something before she wakes up in the bedroom of another man sion.
Niles, I want her to be happy here.
How do you suggest I go about satisfying Miss Fine? Well, the second way, sir Niles.
Oh, just shake it up, sir.
Do something wild.
Out there.
Totally unexpected! I don't know.
Give me a bonus.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, Gracie doesn't want me to take her to play date any more.
She doesn't need me.
Did you know she was 10? Miss Fine, do you think this tie is boring? Mr.
Sheffield, this is very traumatic for me.
I'm losing my baby.
Yes or no? Well, it wouldn't be Monday without your Monday tie.
That's it.
It's gone! All right.
What else don't you like? I'm not crazy about the pants.
- Miss Fine! - Miss Fine! You are just going to avoid the whole issue, aren't you? So predictable.
Oh, oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Bet you didn't think I was gonna do that! Sure.
Tousle Niles' hair.
Typical.
Did he flatten it all out? Because I do like a little height.
Fran, there's no more room in here.
Do you want to take some of the crystal? All right.
Maybe just Wilma and Bamm-Bamm.
Don't tell your sister because I don't want to start World War III here.
Ma, I can't believe Gracie doesn't want to be seen with me.
Honey, it's a normal thing for a kid to go through.
Do you remember when you suddenly didn't want me to pick you up at school? Yeah.
But, Ma, I don't wear a girdle on the outside of my pants.
Madonna does it, it's trendy.
I do it, I'm a freak.
If you're so upset, why don't you talk to Mr.
Sheffield about it? Oh, me and Mr.
Sheffield, that's a whole 'nother story.
I don't think there's any spark left in our relationship.
Did you try unscrewing the light bulbs for a little mood lighting? Whenever I want to turn your father on, the first thing I do is make it dark.
But, Ma, me and Mr.
Sheffield aren't even close to unscrewing.
In fact, I think we're beginning to bore each other.
Oh, that's normal in a marriage.
But me and Mr.
Sheffield aren't married.
- Are you living with him? - Yeah.
- Are you taking care of his kids? - Yeah.
- Are you having sex? - No.
Then you're married.
Relationships are like thighs.
They start out smooth, then they get a little lumpy, but without them, you don't have a leg to stand on.
You know, Ma, I think you're about a quart low on your oestrogen.
Honey, the point is you've got to go with the flow.
Things change.
Not here, Ma.
That's why I always like to come home.
That, and I need a place to hide out when I pretend to have a date.
Well, honey, things change here, too.
Look, I changed the curtains.
- I got new contact paper.
- Nice.
I threw your father out.
I switched to fat-free Wish-Bone dressing.
What? You can hardly taste the difference.
No, Ma.
What about you and Daddy? I don't want to talk about it.
Do you want a blintz? Ma! Got any sour cream? I do.
If you don't care about expiration dates.
No.
What could Daddy have done to make you throw him out of the house? Is it another woman? Of course not.
You know I don't go that way.
We had a fight.
Oh, is that all? You two are always fighting.
He'll come back.
It's different this time.
It's for good.
Go look.
Oh, my God! He took his good hair! Oh, Ma.
Oh, Niles, my parents are splitting up.
What if Ma starts dating other men and finds one she likes and gets married before me? Oh, there, there, Miss Fine.
Oh, Niles, I've got to get them back together.
No one in my family has ever been divorced before.
I thought your sister was? No.
They're just miserable.
What about your Aunt Hester and Uncle Louie? Never legally married.
How about your Cousin Ernie and What are you? Liz Smith? Oh, Niles, would you mind preparing a little nosh? I have my grandmas coming over, Yettie and Nettie.
We're gonna try and figure out a way to get my parents back together again.
What shall I prepare? Nuts? Some English toffee? Biscotti? Yeah, that sounds good.
Just put it in a blender with a couple of prunes.
Goodbye, Fran.
I'm going to my play date.
Wait a minute.
What about instructions? All right, Fran.
Sit down.
Breathe deeply.
Here's the number if you need me.
I'll be right across the street.
Okay.
I'll be all right.
Go ahead.
Only, look both ways before you cross the street and don't talk to strangers and don't make contact with the toilet seat.
That's a good girl.
Yeah, you're almost there, sweetie.
Bye-bye, baby.
Hi, Gracie? We made it, honey! Are you bored? Do you want me to pick you up? I'll buy you something.
Okay, bye.
Nanny Fine, get a hold of yourself.
All these tears just because of little Lacey? Oh, it's not just 'cause of Lacey.
My parents are splitting up.
Everything that I've come to rely and depend on is just gone.
Oh, Nanny Fine, get a grip.
My mother left when I was born.
She wanted a girl.
Sure.
It's hard at first.
You're shuttled from house to house, forced to choose who you love the most.
They try to buy your love, topping each other's gifts, giving you more and more until you've got everything you ever wanted! Oh, life can be sweet, Nanny Fine! Divorce? Embrace it! I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Nanas, I thought you were gonna stop smoking.
What, it's gonna stunt our growth? Yetta, you promised you were gonna quit smoking.
She also promised she wouldn't eat anything gassy before we left.
Meanwhile, did you get a seat on the express bus? Oh, it is a wonder I have any class at all.
Oh, there's that floss.
These cookies for us? Sure, Nana.
Help yourself.
So, Yettie, did you talk to Ma? Oh, sweetheart, please, throwing that bum out was the smartest thing she ever did.
She should have married Alan King.
Ma knew Alan King? No.
That was the hitch.
Yetta, you rest.
Nettie, did you talk to Dad? Why should I? I like having my baby home again in his little room, in his little bed.
Oh, God, don't tell me you're bathing him.
He's such a good boy.
There's a bulb I couldn't reach to change for 10 years, but now that your father's there, he gave me a boost.
I can't believe you guys.
You're so selfish.
Mom and Dad splitting up isn't about you.
It's about me.
Look what you did.
Look what you did.
- Franny - Franny, you want a pep'mint? Okay.
Do you want an ashtray? Where did I get this? The Hilton.
Oh, sure.
Oh, forget it.
I'm just gonna talk to Daddy myself.
Come on, Nettie, we're gonna go to your place.
I can't have people over.
I've got nothing in the house.
I suppose I'll bake some cookies.
I love my apartment.
It's so cheerful.
Sure.
It's like living inside a Hostess Snowball.
Oh, don't sit down, Nettie.
I'll never find you.
Where is he? Uh uh, try the bathroom.
It's the pink door.
I'm gonna start the cookies.
Now, come on, Dad, you know that Mom and you are meant to be together.
I mean, what are you gonna do? Start sitting at singles bars, picking up on babes, hoping that they notice how much time you put into your hair, and all the makeup, squeezing into that tight dress.
It's pathetic oh, wait a minute.
Hot cookies! I don't want things to change.
I want my parents back together again.
Mom in the kitchen and Dad in the den, his hair in the bedroom.
Daddy, come out of there.
What are you doing in there? Me.
Ma.
In the bathroom? Well, it is the room he feels the most comfortable in.
Geez, spare me the details.
I'm just happy that you and Daddy got together again and made up.
Twice.
Thank you for your hospitality, Nettie.
Tramp.
You better believe it.
Mr.
Sheffield, I'm home! Oh, thank God, nothing ever changes here.
Where are you, my dependable, stable, Rock of Gibraltar, stodgy, uptight, totally predictable Oh, my God! Is that my blouse? Dad? Dad, there's this really great party tonight and Okay, it might last until 3:00 a.
m.
But before you start yelling and calling me "young lady" and forbidding me to go Of course, Margaret, go ahead.
Have a wonderful time.
Oh, Dad, you're so strict.
You never let me do anything.
All my friends are what'd you say? I'm cool.
I don't want to dis your plans.
Do you know why I'm doing this? You're toasted? No.
Well, perhaps I'm not quite as predictable as some people like to think I am.
- Margaret? - See you.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, I know what you're doing, and believe me, I'm very flattered, but don't go changing to try and please me.
No, Miss Fine.
You were right.
I was far too boring.
I need to mix it up.
Keep 'em guessing.
No.
I miss boring.
I want it.
I need it.
I gotta have it.
At the risk of slipping into my old routine, what the devil are you talking about, Miss Fine? I thought you wanted me to change.
Change a little.
A little is good.
It's like Michael Jackson's face.
Should have stopped after Thriller.
Well, I happen to like the new me.
Oh, come on, you don't want Maggie going to that wild, out-of-control party any more than I want Gracie going on a play date by herself.
Oh, I'm fine with Margaret going.
Till 3:00 in the morning? - She's an adult.
- With a strange boy? I trust her.
He's a Kennedy.
Margaret! How could you let me do this? - Well, I was gonna say - Look at me.
I'm dressed like Doc bloody Severance with my Friday tie on a Tuesday! Life with you is the most convoluted, exasperated Go ahead and yell.
That's stable.
That's healthy.
Hello, Mrs.
Lombardi, is Gracie there? Oh, no.
Let her play.
Let her play.
Uh, yeah.
Just tell her that the doctor called.
It definitely is chicken pox, and not to scratch her Oh, you want me to come by and pick her up? I'll be right over.
Coming, baby.