The West Wing s03e17 Episode Script
Stirred
Previously on The West Wing: When was the last time you went to a meeting? AA? - What meeting could I possibly go to? - Mine.
John, tell me you are not showing your face I have got my own meeting.
There are nine of us: three senators, two cabinet secretaries one federal judge and two agency directors.
There's an agent outside.
It looks like a card game.
- Do I have enemies in that room? - All our people.
Think about it.
"We humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
We made a list of persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends.
We made amends to such people where possible except when it would injure them or others.
We continued to take personal inventory, and when wrong, promptly admitted it.
We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our contact with God as we understood him.
As we understood him.
Praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result we try to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs.
" Okay.
I haven't chaired in a while.
What do we do next? - Now is when we usually start drinking.
- Okay.
I wanna talk about something before we start.
He's gonna try and get my committee to fund that airplane that can't fly.
- It can fly.
- Right.
It just can't land.
- Small price to pay to be able to fly.
- I wanted to talk about Leo.
I'll fund the plane, but I'm not gonna fly on it.
I'm wondering if it's a good idea that Leo keeps coming to these meetings.
- Why? - Look, every meeting's for anybody.
You don't have a password.
Just walk in and sit.
Except where anonymity is crucial, even among other alcoholics: Commercial airline pilots, surgeons and us.
- Right.
- Well, Leo's out.
Is it wise that he's leaving a trail to this room when he could go to any meeting - He can't.
There'd be photographers camped at the door I don't know a meeting where guys wouldn't beat up anybody who barged in - That's what we want.
- I think we should consider this.
- Guys.
My meeting.
Leo stays.
There it is.
Know what I forgot? "What we see here, what we say here, what we hear here, stays here.
" - Here, here.
- Anybody wanna start? I will.
- I'm John.
I'm an alcoholic.
- Hi, John.
- You wanted me.
- You guys go out? - Toby had Capitals tickets.
- Good game? You know what I'd do if l It wasn't.
You know what I'd do if I owned a hockey team? I'd hire a sumo wrestler.
I'd give him a uniform, transportation, eat and enjoy the game.
We wouldn't get scored on.
- You'd get scored on constantly.
- Maybe, but we'd sell a few tickets.
Yeah, because sumo wrestling sells out all the time in big hockey towns.
- My idea is total unviable.
- Well, you're a Democrat.
It's a pretty big club.
What did you need? Health, Education and Welfare is marking up the Internet Education Act tomorrow.
- Tomorrow? - Yeah.
- And they told us when? - An hour ago.
They're zeroing out the Technology Challenge Fund.
- That's the vice president's thing.
- Wanna know how long? I was working for him when he created it.
- Does he know? - No.
What will he say when you tell him? He's gonna say,"Josh, you look remarkably like Sam Seaborn.
" There are people better suited to this than I am.
Leo.
- Leo says you.
- Why not you? Leo and I don't have the best relationship with Hoynes.
I don't understand.
You say,"Sorry, Mr.
Vice President, it isn't gonna happen.
" Isn't he gonna be miffed if it comes from the communications director? We don't want you to say I'm sorry.
We want you to work with him and save the bill.
All right.
When? His office is expecting you in 20 minutes.
- What about the meeting? - My meeting? - Yeah.
- You'll come late.
- What's it about? - You'll find out.
All right.
Thank you.
I've lost my binder from National Strategies.
- The blue one? - The black one with the secret launch codes.
- It'll turn up.
I also need the Cabinet Affairs amplification report.
If you can get the AP farm guy back online I'm almost sure Toby gave me a punchier quote on Ag reorganization.
I shall do those things.
- You shall? - I shall.
- I'll tell you what I'd like in exchange.
- How about a weekly salary? - Yes, plus a favor.
- Name it.
- It's a big favor.
- What do you need? I had an English teacher named Molly Morello, one of those teachers and she's retiring.
For me, it was Mr.
Feig for American History AP and Con Law.
Right.
Unusual as it may seem, we're talking about me.
- And the big favor you want? - All right, tell me about Mr.
Feig.
No.
That moment's done, except to say he meant the world to me and he died four years ago.
- Okay.
Well, Mrs.
Morello is retiring.
- Not as bad as dying.
- How hard is it to get a Presidential Proclamation? - Morello Day? I was hoping for Morello Month.
I should be realistic.
- That would be Molly Morello Day? - A nice letter from the principal.
Oh, come on.
Get him to sign a piece of paper.
A little proclamation.
A little piece of paper? Proclamations have the full force of law.
The Emancipation Proclamation, to name just one.
- To name the only one.
- I don't know what's involved.
Probably have advisory boards, commissions.
The NATO commander's involved, possibly.
Can I find out what's involved? - Yeah.
Find me the blue notebook first.
- Yeah.
I'm going to the meeting now.
- Got a minute? - If I said no, would it stop you? No.
NEAP figures are out today.
- Okay.
- They're up.
How many Third World countries do we trail in reading and math? Up's better than down.
The education secretary ought to make a statement.
Tomorrow's no good.
We've got half a dozen events.
We're saying education's our priority.
Tomorrow, we're trying to make news on five of our other priorities.
- Don't you have a meeting? - Two meetings, actually.
- I'll check the calendar.
- Up's better than down.
Where to find a chisel and a stone tablet.
I need to know what the Cabinet's doing tomorrow.
Ideally, sometime before tomorrow.
HUD secretary on home-ownership loans.
Also noon, technical briefing at ONDCP on - Is it? Go back.
What's at noon? - ONDCP technical - No, the housing secretary.
- Home-ownership loans at the HUD event stage.
Something wrong? Page the secretary of Housing and Urban Development.
I wanna see him.
- When? - Look at me.
- Now.
- I'm in the Roosevelt Room.
- Want me to pull you out? - Please.
Okay, we're e-filing the old 1040-A.
You're single, head of your household.
Deanna's a dependent.
Your adjusted gross income is 35,000 per annum.
- Sir, I could do most of this myself.
- I love this.
- Really? Filing tax returns? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- What? I was thinking about the plurality of Americans who decided to pull a lever with your name.
- Suckers.
Okay.
Your mom's social security pension benefit is $ 1536.
- Police pension, $2400.
- And here's where my question is Do you take a standard deduction or itemize? - Yes, sir.
- Did you make any charitable donations? Five hundred dollars to the First Baptist Church.
One hundred eighty-five dollars to the Salvation Army in clothing and items.
Five hundred dollars to the Police Benevolence Society of Washington D.
C.
And $250 to Big Brothers and Sisters of Washington D.
C.
- Really? - Yeah.
Plus, $430 in non-reimbursed medical expenses.
You're better off with the standard deduction.
- Okay.
- I'm hitting send now.
- If you're lying, you're going to the joint.
- Yeah.
It's gonna tell us what your refund is, but I've done a calculation and it will be $ 700.
- That's what I got.
- You spent it already.
- I'm getting a scan DVD player with MP3 playback.
Free shipping and tax is $499 which leaves enough to buy a DVD I found on eBay.
- Yeoman of the Guard? - How well you know me, Mr.
President.
- On Her Majesty's Secret Service.
- Can I tell you what's wrong about Bond? - Nothing.
- Shaken not stirred will get you water with a dash of gin and vermouth.
The reason you stir it with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice.
James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it.
I'll reflect on that while watching my digital-enhanced picture with theater-quality sound.
- Okay.
- Seven hundred dollars? - Four hundred.
- I'm only getting $400 back? - You owe $400.
- I owe the government money.
- You don't need a stamp.
Hand it over.
- There's a mistake.
- Hand it over.
- There's no way I owe money.
- That's not quite how we see it.
- Could I sit down there, please? - Sure.
- Good evening.
- You need me? - Yes, sir.
- Let's go inside.
Milo? Coop? - Help Mr.
Young find his pockets.
- I'm fine.
There's been a mistake.
I'm sorry to come straight to you, but Leo's unavailable now.
You should be getting a call from the energy secretary any minute.
- What happened? - The wire service is reporting a vehicle carrying depleted uranium rods crashed in the Seven Devil Mountains in Idaho.
- It crashed? - It was hit head-on by another truck in the Goldfield Tunnel on Route 234.
- Are there populated areas nearby? Elk Horn's 20 miles away with 20,000.
- Charlie.
- Energy secretary's on the phone.
Conference in the chief of the radiological assistance team.
Charlie.
Get me Fitzwallace, Nancy McNally and let the senior members of the NFC know I need them.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
A truck carrying depleted uranium fuel rods just crashed in Idaho 20 miles from a populated town.
- What's happening? - The president's talking to Tommy about the radiation threat and to National Security.
- There's a problem.
- I'm just telling them.
It was a 24-ton type B, holding fuel rods from the nuclear carrier Truman.
Does 24-ton type B mean anything to anybody? - It's a heavy truck.
- Why National Security? You said he was talking to National Security.
Two trucks in a deserted area, and they happen to crash into each other? - I'd wanna talk to somebody, at least.
- All right, listen.
Postpone the meeting.
- Let's do it.
- This is gonna be all night.
When we get pulled out, we get pulled out.
It doesn't really seem appropriate right now.
You spent a long night with Bruno last night.
Yeah.
And Bruno spent a long night with Doug the night before.
And? There's no electoral math they can come up with, none, that says it's not worth exploring replacing the vice president on the ticket.
Not five months ago in this room, I said I joked that if we win reelection, it was gonna be on the vice president's coattails.
Why I'm sure I said it is because it was leaked.
How has the electoral math changed since then? By the way, the group of people were chosen because Leo wanted to hear from them but also because he was confident there wouldn't be a leak and I hope we live up to that.
- How has the math changed? - Bruno doesn't think Hoynes buys Texas with Ritchie in the race.
If we lose Texas, we lose Florida.
That's a third of the electoral votes we need.
There's a reason the Republicans are nominating him.
Who does? Who does win Texas for us? - Nobody.
We're losing Texas.
- Wait a second.
- Before we go on to who wins Texas - I was saying We've been talking for a minute and 17 seconds and we're discussing new candidates? If no one wins us Texas, why change at all? Can I make it clear nobody's advocating anything.
- Bruno and Doug are.
- Bruno asked for a discussion.
- What's the answer to C.
J.
's question? - Northeast, Pacific Coast and Northwest.
If we don't have Florida and Texas, it means we have to sweep those three.
- And he thinks Hoynes hurts us there? - He thinks someone else could help.
- Did he say who? - Yes.
- Who? - Fitzwallace.
He said Fitzwallace, Toby.
And you think about it .
Yeah.
- Josh? - Yeah.
- How's it going in there? - Well, you know, we're just starting.
Get creative.
Get people thinking, even though you know it's .
I'm gonna go in there alone for a minute.
Hey.
I was just briefed.
They're setting up a joint operations command in Elks Horn.
I wish I'd been here a half-hour ago.
What would you have done a half-hour ago that hasn't already been done? I'd have known a half-hour ago what I know now.
This is why I'm not going to my meeting anymore.
It's a luxury.
I know.
If only technology could invent some way to get in touch with you in an emergency.
Some sort of telephonic device with a personalized number we could call to let you know we needed you.
Perhaps it would look something like this, Mr.
Moto.
- You should've called me.
- Would you stop? All right.
We're coordinating with the governor's office and state FEMA in Boise.
You know, I've noticed that other people keep a set of comfortable clothes in their office for when they have to work late.
I like that.
- You should do that too.
- I do do that.
- You should change.
- You see me wearing a necktie? Never mind.
Can I have my pager back? The hazard assessment by the RAD team is good.
No airborne release of cesium isotopes.
No gamma or neutron radiation readings.
- But .
- But the trucks are still burning.
The fire commander is pulling out his men and equipment as soon as possible.
- I'm sure he's right.
- They haven't tested tunnel fires.
They're built to withstand but apparently a train tunnel in Baltimore burned at 1500.
- Leo, I knew this a half-hour ago.
- Right.
This whole night I'm gonna be a half-hour smarter than you.
Okay.
So you know about the other truck.
- No.
- It was stolen from a rest stop outside Glenn's Ferry two weeks ago.
- The driver's dead? - Yeah.
- Arab? No.
He's Gary Vernon Clarke.
Is that his name or is that what we think it is right now? Looks like it was an accident.
In what happens to be the most dangerous and unanticipated situation for transportation of nuclear waste.
- Yes.
- What's that meeting next door? - Don't worry about it.
Did I leave a folder called Southeast Targets and Thank you.
I've been putting together a folder of my own.
Things that need to be done for the president to issue a proclamation.
- What has to be done? - Let me check.
Nothing.
- Donna - Nothing has to be done.
- He can't just issue a proclamation.
- He can.
He can't just because you want him to.
What's next, executive clemency if you're having a bad hair day? I never have a bad hair day.
Molly Morello was a teacher for 41 years.
Which is nice, but these things are for important causes not individual perks for staffers.
National Digestive Diseases Awareness Week.
- When was that? - Now.
It began after General Pulaski Memorial Day.
- You're gonna mock the dead February was National Sewing Month.
It's the president's name and reputation.
We haven't vetted this woman.
- You're saying, what if she's a lesbian? - If she were a lesbian we could talk.
I'm saying, what if she's a bicycle thief? - I doubt that - Don't doubt it.
Know it.
Do a Google search.
Then talk to me.
- Sorry.
You been waiting? - Good evening, sir.
No, that's fine.
- I got held up at a poker game.
- I love poker.
- I heard you had Caps tickets? - Yes, sir.
- How was the game? - Not very good.
Have you ever seen a good hockey game? - No.
- Me neither.
I can't get next to hockey.
See, I think Americans like to savor situations.
One down, bottom of the ninth.
One-run game, first and third left-hand batter, right-hand reliever, here's the pitch.
Scoring in hockey seems to come out of nowhere.
The play-by-play guy is always shocked.
"LePetier passes to Huckenchuck, who skates past the blue line.
Huckenchuck was traded from Winnipeg for a case of Labatts after sitting out last season with Oh, my God, he scores!" So, what's going on? They're marking up the Internet Education Act tomorrow.
- Tomorrow? - Yes, sir.
And they're zeroing out the Technology Challenge Fund.
- Tomorrow? - Yes, sir.
We only heard about it tonight.
- We're gonna save this.
- That's why I'm here.
- It's only 52 million.
- It's gonna be embarrassing.
don't have Internet access 60% of blacks and Hispanics don't have Internet access.
I have to make some calls.
- Yeah.
The problem is .
- What? The chairman.
- You attacked him at the DNC spring - You sent me to attack him.
I understand.
- They're marking it up tomorrow? - Yes, sir.
You're gonna do this for me.
You're gonna get this done.
- Yes, sir.
- Decorated in Vietnam, defense hawk There'd be astronomical black turnout in Georgia, North Carolina and Louisiana.
- The South is on the table.
- Is he a Democrat? - He would be now.
- No Republican would criticize him.
Black turnout would explode.
We'd realign the country.
- That's assuming it's a two-man race.
- Who's gonna get into it this late? John Hoynes.
Hoynes as an Independent? - Yeah.
- The guy practically has corporate sponsorship.
The Tostitos vice president is gonna lead an Independent movement? - It's not that ridiculous.
- It is! He'd be finished in politics.
Some future after we publicly humiliate him by kicking him off the ticket.
- What are we afraid of? - A household name with his base of conservative Democrats and populist Independents.
Starts at 15, 20 percent.
Now every state's up for grab because it's a three-way.
- But he'll lose.
Which is gratifying, but not much of a consolation since we'll lose too.
Say what you want.
Hoynes is a pragmatist.
To do this he'd be the craziest vice president since Aaron Burr.
And Burr shot a guy.
- I can't believe we're talking about this.
- Your meeting.
Getting that a lot these days.
So that leaves us where? Wondering if Fitzwallace is a Democrat or a Republican.
Yeah.
It sounds like you're tripped up on 1783.
- Which is? - HR-1783.
A tax rebate from last year.
Why would that affect my return this year? - Did you get a rebate last year? - Yeah.
- There's the answer.
- Where? Your rebate came off this year's taxes.
That's how we paid.
Hang on.
The money I got back last year has to be paid for? - Yeah.
- That's not a rebate.
That's an advance.
- Technically, I guess.
- Not technically.
This is like getting a bonus and having it deducted from your paycheck.
This doesn't sound like very patriotic talk to me, Charlie.
- It's not.
Why did you call it a rebate? - So people would spend it.
- If it was an advance they'd save it.
- It was an advance.
- You spend it? - On my Visa bill.
We would have preferred you ate out or traveled.
- Me too.
- Well, in any event .
- What? Oh, what are you, the collector? - Leo.
- He used the rebate to pay his Visa bill.
- It wasn't a rebate.
It was an advance.
A trip to Banana Republic would have killed you? Let's go.
- The problem is we don't know anything.
- That's never been a problem for us.
We don't know anything until we can get into the tunnel.
And we can't get into the tunnel until the place cools down.
Until we can get in, we don't know if we have to evacuate Elk Horn.
Well, that's FEMA's call.
FEMA's indicated they're gonna wanna make it the governor's call.
The governor's indicated he wants you to step in I should set a ransom.
I'll tell you the radiation levels but first I want your electoral votes.
Or is that a bad strategy? - It's pretty bad.
- No ransom.
We'll play this one straight.
What about other shipments? There are two other shipments on the road.
One's low-level radioactive waste, mostly medical.
- It's on three rail cars in South Carolina.
- Have we stopped the train? The National Guard's securing it till we know what happened.
- What about the second one? - That's more problematic.
There's 200 pounds of transuranic materials from Rocky Flats where they assemble the triggers.
They're about 150 miles from Carlsbad, and we can't tell them to pull over.
- That makes them vulnerable.
- They beefed up the escort? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
No one knew if Eisenhower was a Democrat or Republican before he ran.
Grant only voted once, and it was for the other guys.
Grant works as an example in almost any situation.
That's Grant's legacy.
- Plus, he won the Civil War.
- What about Leo? - What'd I do? - As running mate.
Bartlet-McGarry.
- Done.
- It's not absurd, you know.
- It is.
- It's not totally absurd.
- Yes, it is.
- He wants your parking space.
- I really do.
- It's not totally absurd.
You have a good parking space.
You know, if it weren't for the drinking and the Valium .
- Yet, Grant .
- That's right.
They told Lincoln, "Grant's a drunk.
" He said: "Send my generals a case of what he drinks.
" - I see a 30-second spot.
- An alcoholic can't be vice president? You really think the 20th century didn't see an alcoholic in the West Wing? I'll be around.
Hey, Leo.
- They didn't mean anything.
- Yeah, I didn't take anything.
What's going on in Idaho? The tunnel's still hot.
We're looking at evacuating Elk Horn.
- Elk Horn's 20,000.
- Yeah.
- We've done this before? - For hurricanes.
Yeah.
- This is a radioactive cloud.
- I wouldn't call it a cloud.
You wouldn't call it the end of a Yankee game, either.
I don't know.
You got your sirens, route and tone alerts on local radio and TV.
- Paul Reveres go out.
- Civil defense volunteers.
Yeah, we got the armory in Caldwell, Still, we're talking about widespread panic and chaos, right? I assume.
- Anything else? - I don't wanna go back to my meeting.
- Well, you're not staying here.
- Okay.
There must be 110 million for distance learning and telemedicine.
Can we shave that down? There are three rural committee members who love distance learning.
I'm not sure I see the point if the rural poor don't have Internet hookups.
- Why don't we plus-up the entire bill? - Sir? We get our Internet 52 million.
They get to add 52 million for Internet-blocking software or whatever they want.
Can't we do that? One of the problems is they're deficit hawks.
- We're deficit hawks too.
- That's the other problem.
All right, work with me here.
What do they want? A bridge, a highway a soda machine? What do they want? - They want your name off the bill.
They want your name off it.
They love this bill.
Helping the poor learn computers so they can lift themselves up by the bootstraps? It gets voted out of committee unanimously, but it's an election year.
When is it not an election year? I like what Daniel Webster said when the Whig Party offered him vice president: "I do not propose to be buried until I am dead.
" I used to be every Republican's favorite Democrat.
- Screw it, Sam.
- Absolutely, Mr.
Vice President.
Let's take my name off it.
Yes, sir.
- Where's Secretary Fisher? - He can't make it tonight.
- Excuse me? - The secretary's at an NGA reception at the Willard Hotel.
She says he can see you tomorrow.
- She? - His scheduler.
- You paged him.
- She called back.
Call Fisher or his scheduler and say: "I want the secretary here in half an hour to talk about moving his announcement to the briefing room because we have more TV cameras.
" - Because we have The most dangerous place in Washington is between Bill Fisher and a TV camera.
Clean as a whistle.
- Thank you.
- Molly Morello.
When was the last time I asked you for anything? - By the way, I found this.
- What? "A proclamation to modify the quantitative limitations applicable to the imports of wheat gluten.
" We are just a little rococo, aren't we? Why is Molly Morello less worthy of a proclamation than General Pulaski? - I wish I knew who Pulaski was.
- This is what I mean.
She's not less worthy, but neither is she more than the other ninety thousand public school teachers who are retiring.
Who weren't lucky enough to have a staffer as a former student.
- That's trouble.
- Who would find out? "Who would find out" is also where we frequently find trouble.
- You're right.
- Yes.
All right, you're right.
- Hey.
- You get it done? - Yeah.
- He's taking his name off it? Yeah.
Well, it feels like we're almost done in there.
You wanna tell me what this meeting's about now? Replacing Hoynes.
- What are you? - Bruno wanted us to look at replacing.
- Josh.
- So we're looking at it.
We're looking at it, and everybody's treating me like .
- Why? - There's electoral math.
- Was I sent away? - No.
- So I wouldn't be at that meeting? - No.
Are you talking about names? Fitzwallace, Leo and Ulysses S.
Grant.
Not for nothing, but before we go in there, I wanna be clear.
I didn't have to convince him or even suggest it.
Right off the bat he said, "Let's take my name off it.
" - Yeah.
- Leo? The vice president.
Thanks.
You can go home now.
- I go home when you go home.
- I'll get back to you.
Mr.
Vice President, I like your style.
- It's money well spent.
- It deserved to have your name on it.
I've got my name on other stuff.
You know what I don't like? I don't like we can't campaign on it.
- Can you sit for a minute? - Yeah.
I'm in a bind, and I think you know what it is.
I'm sorry, I don't.
I respect the anonymity of an alcoholic, I can't reveal what's said in a meeting but I've got a responsibility to the president, and in fact, to the country.
Leo, I'm sorry.
I honestly don't know what you're saying.
- You've gotta tell the president.
- Tell him what? - That you're an alcoholic.
- Are you telling me he doesn't know? - How would he know? - You didn't tell him? Of course I didn't.
- Before you picked me, you didn't tell? - No.
- I always assumed - No.
Well .
Let's go see our boss.
- Hey.
- How was the NGA? Oh, you know the governors, too many mandates, too little money.
- I can hear that one at home.
- Good one.
- The governors liked it.
- Yeah.
Have you announced for the governor of New Jersey bill? - Excuse me? - Did I miss an announcement? That's three years away.
I'm trying to serve I never heard of these loans.
So I'm assuming it's a campaign proposal.
Camden and Newark will go nuts.
I know it's not national.
- Give me a break.
- Know how I know? National programs are announced by the president unless this White House passes on them first.
Toby, this is a nickel-and-dime program.
Calm down.
Right.
We're announcing a new replacement for Social Security - I thought we were - They're not your nickels.
- They're not your dimes! - Hang on a minute.
The president asked me to join his Cabinet.
He asked me to stall my career with the agreement that he'd help me You don't want it.
You're helping yourself.
If this announcement makes A17 of the Metro section, I'd be surprised.
There's one name on the ballot this November.
Not yours, not mine, not the governor of New Jersey.
No one will work harder than Jed Bartlet to put you there.
This president loses reelection, your career is finished, and so is mine.
What's your point? Next time you announce new policy that isn't cleared we're announcing you're moving back to New Jersey.
- What about the loans? - C.
J.
will announce them tomorrow.
Come on.
Let me do it with the president.
It's too small for the president.
I've gotta go back to a meeting.
- Yep.
It was the rebate.
- It wasn't a rebate.
It was an advance.
- You say potato .
- I do say potato, so does everybody.
We wanted to inject money into retail and tourism.
Why not wait until people were supposed to have the money? The economy might have improved on its own by then.
In which case, it would have been pointless.
- Yeah.
- Economists make it up as they go along.
- Yeah.
- Did it work? Not that much.
Most people did what you did.
They saved or they paid down debt.
We don't want people to save and reduce debt? We do, but when the next guy's president.
- You win.
- I always do.
Yes, sir.
- I'll tell you what I find interesting.
- What's that? You.
$35,000 a year, a sister to support and you gave $ 1435 to charity? I'm not sure that check isn't better off in your hands.
Oh, I'm taking it.
Don't be ridiculous.
When you get to your place, you're gonna find a DVD player and that wimp-ass Bond movie.
- Mr.
President And I threw in Yeoman of the Guard on CD.
- That was an incredibly nice gesture.
- I'm really something.
Mr.
President.
- Hey, John.
- Could we have a minute, sir? - Yeah.
- Charlie, get that woman on the phone.
I'm feeling magical tonight.
They're in the tunnel.
The readings show nothing beyond the predictable level of radiation.
The flatbed's back on its way, and the Carlsbad is behind gates.
- So we dodged a bullet.
- Yeah.
We pack this stuff in two inches of stainless steel, four inches of lead.
We rammed it with trains and dropped it from helicopters and it still isn't gonna protect us from the thing we haven't thought of.
They took a cast to Aberdeen Proving Ground and shot a missile through it.
They showed me video.
What can I do for you? Sir, there's something very important we need to talk to you about.
What? Well, it's delicate and surprising and I wanna make sure your first reaction is measured, so I'd like us to I'm a recovering alcoholic.
- Really? - Yes, sir.
- Is there anybody left who's not? - Sir - For how long? - I'm sorry? - How long have you been in recovery? - My last drink it was the year I was 22.
- Did you say 22? - Yes, sir.
- You haven't had a drink since 22? - That's right.
- I didn't start drinking till I was 25.
- What the hell do you guys count - There's a history in my family, and I had a few experiences in college.
I liked beer a lot.
So I started going to meetings.
- I'm pretty sure if I stopped - Twenty-two? - Yes, sir.
- You and James Bond ought to team up.
- I don't .
- Don't worry.
He's ordering a watered-down martini, and Leo, what is this meeting going on across the hall? - We can talk about it later.
It's a meeting about having me replaced on the ticket.
I know how to count to 270.
John, I assure you I assure you that if it were a serious notion, we would - Texas is gone.
So is Florida.
- We're not doing it.
- You should think about it.
- Are you taking your name off that bill? Nobody benefits from the Internet right now more than the rural poor.
You're taking your name off.
We can't campaign on it.
- Yes, sir.
- And if somebody's attacking us you know what to do.
I call Leo.
Yeah, but don't discount the possibility that it might be Leo.
Yes, sir.
John, despite this recent revelation that you drank beer in college I've always liked you a little more than you thought I did.
But that's not why you're staying.
It's this.
Four words.
I've always liked you more than you thought I did too.
Just a little, right? - Yes, sir.
- Me too.
Anything else? - Thank you, Mr.
President.
- Thank you, sir.
Charlie! - Yes, sir.
- Let's go.
I'm a magic man.
- Donnatella.
- Good evening, Mr.
President.
Tell Josh that General Pulaski was a Polish brigadier general who vanquished the Russian and Prussian military, came to the colonies and commanded our cavalry during the Revolution.
- I will.
- It says here in a briefing paper hastily written by Deputy Josh Lyman that in the '60s, when the Madison superintendent banned Twelfth Night for reasons passing understanding a Mrs.
Molly Morello had students over to her home on Saturdays to read it.
I didn't know that, sir.
Josh wrote you a memo on Molly Morello? Yeah, because all I had tonight was a nuclear spill in Idaho.
It says,"She came in two hours early to teach an AP English class she developed, because the school didn't offer one.
" - I was in that class.
- She deserves a proclamation.
- I wish I could give her one, but I can't.
- I understand.
It's just too much inside baseball, you know? You're very nice to even talk to me about it.
Charlie, I've been tapping my finger on the desk for about a minute now.
- Sir? - The magic-man thing works better when you pick up on signals, Tonto.
What's that you say? There's a phone call for Donna? Good evening.
This is the White House.
For whom are you holding? I'm holding for Donna Moss.
This is Mrs.
Morello.
- Oh, my God.
- Donna? - Mrs.
Morello, it's me.
- Is everything all right? Everything's fine.
I hadn 't heard from you in a long time, so l No.
Everything's fine.
Sally Seidelman told me you were retiring.
Yes, at the end of this year.
Well, I just wanted to say .
I don't know, I just .
I just wanted to say .
- I don't know.
- Are you sure everything's all right? - Tell her where you are.
- Donna? I'm in the Oval Office with the President of the United States and it's because of you.
- Mrs.
Morello? - What a thing to say.
- We're all very proud of you, Donna.
- She didn't do anything.
- Was that? - It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs.
Morello.
I've got a couple of questions.
When you taught Beowulf, did you make the kids read it in the original Middle English or did you use a translation? - We used a translation, Mr.
President.
- Okay.
- We'll call that the James Bond version.
- Yes, sir.
What are you doing with your retirement? - My husband and I were gonna travel.
- That's great.
I'd stay away from the Elk Horn, Idaho area for a little while.
You'll read why in the morning.
Let's talk about Twelfth Night.
- Twenty-two? - Yeah.
- You haven't had a drink since 22? - Right.
- Grant would have slapped your face.
- He did once.
Listen, it's fine that this is funny and, Mr.
Vice President, I couldn't care less.
- But what about the campaign? - What about it? - President just got past an honesty issue.
- He's not past it.
- If it becomes public - That's a big assumption.
No, it's not.
I think that issue is probably worth further discussion but we're done talking about the ticket.
The president wants the vice president to remain the vice president and he wrote down his one and only reason.
"Because I could die.
" Well, of course, he's right, sir.
It doesn't solve the problem of the electoral math.
I don't know what the field will look like after Labor Day.
It'll be shaken up, but right now the math's tough.
And I know you all think he's a punch line, and I know why.
But I disagree.
They're sure running the right guy against us.
Am I the only one who thinks a giant sumo wrestler and a hockey goal might get the job done? I don't know.
I'm open to new ideas.
John, tell me you are not showing your face I have got my own meeting.
There are nine of us: three senators, two cabinet secretaries one federal judge and two agency directors.
There's an agent outside.
It looks like a card game.
- Do I have enemies in that room? - All our people.
Think about it.
"We humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
We made a list of persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends.
We made amends to such people where possible except when it would injure them or others.
We continued to take personal inventory, and when wrong, promptly admitted it.
We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our contact with God as we understood him.
As we understood him.
Praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result we try to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs.
" Okay.
I haven't chaired in a while.
What do we do next? - Now is when we usually start drinking.
- Okay.
I wanna talk about something before we start.
He's gonna try and get my committee to fund that airplane that can't fly.
- It can fly.
- Right.
It just can't land.
- Small price to pay to be able to fly.
- I wanted to talk about Leo.
I'll fund the plane, but I'm not gonna fly on it.
I'm wondering if it's a good idea that Leo keeps coming to these meetings.
- Why? - Look, every meeting's for anybody.
You don't have a password.
Just walk in and sit.
Except where anonymity is crucial, even among other alcoholics: Commercial airline pilots, surgeons and us.
- Right.
- Well, Leo's out.
Is it wise that he's leaving a trail to this room when he could go to any meeting - He can't.
There'd be photographers camped at the door I don't know a meeting where guys wouldn't beat up anybody who barged in - That's what we want.
- I think we should consider this.
- Guys.
My meeting.
Leo stays.
There it is.
Know what I forgot? "What we see here, what we say here, what we hear here, stays here.
" - Here, here.
- Anybody wanna start? I will.
- I'm John.
I'm an alcoholic.
- Hi, John.
- You wanted me.
- You guys go out? - Toby had Capitals tickets.
- Good game? You know what I'd do if l It wasn't.
You know what I'd do if I owned a hockey team? I'd hire a sumo wrestler.
I'd give him a uniform, transportation, eat and enjoy the game.
We wouldn't get scored on.
- You'd get scored on constantly.
- Maybe, but we'd sell a few tickets.
Yeah, because sumo wrestling sells out all the time in big hockey towns.
- My idea is total unviable.
- Well, you're a Democrat.
It's a pretty big club.
What did you need? Health, Education and Welfare is marking up the Internet Education Act tomorrow.
- Tomorrow? - Yeah.
- And they told us when? - An hour ago.
They're zeroing out the Technology Challenge Fund.
- That's the vice president's thing.
- Wanna know how long? I was working for him when he created it.
- Does he know? - No.
What will he say when you tell him? He's gonna say,"Josh, you look remarkably like Sam Seaborn.
" There are people better suited to this than I am.
Leo.
- Leo says you.
- Why not you? Leo and I don't have the best relationship with Hoynes.
I don't understand.
You say,"Sorry, Mr.
Vice President, it isn't gonna happen.
" Isn't he gonna be miffed if it comes from the communications director? We don't want you to say I'm sorry.
We want you to work with him and save the bill.
All right.
When? His office is expecting you in 20 minutes.
- What about the meeting? - My meeting? - Yeah.
- You'll come late.
- What's it about? - You'll find out.
All right.
Thank you.
I've lost my binder from National Strategies.
- The blue one? - The black one with the secret launch codes.
- It'll turn up.
I also need the Cabinet Affairs amplification report.
If you can get the AP farm guy back online I'm almost sure Toby gave me a punchier quote on Ag reorganization.
I shall do those things.
- You shall? - I shall.
- I'll tell you what I'd like in exchange.
- How about a weekly salary? - Yes, plus a favor.
- Name it.
- It's a big favor.
- What do you need? I had an English teacher named Molly Morello, one of those teachers and she's retiring.
For me, it was Mr.
Feig for American History AP and Con Law.
Right.
Unusual as it may seem, we're talking about me.
- And the big favor you want? - All right, tell me about Mr.
Feig.
No.
That moment's done, except to say he meant the world to me and he died four years ago.
- Okay.
Well, Mrs.
Morello is retiring.
- Not as bad as dying.
- How hard is it to get a Presidential Proclamation? - Morello Day? I was hoping for Morello Month.
I should be realistic.
- That would be Molly Morello Day? - A nice letter from the principal.
Oh, come on.
Get him to sign a piece of paper.
A little proclamation.
A little piece of paper? Proclamations have the full force of law.
The Emancipation Proclamation, to name just one.
- To name the only one.
- I don't know what's involved.
Probably have advisory boards, commissions.
The NATO commander's involved, possibly.
Can I find out what's involved? - Yeah.
Find me the blue notebook first.
- Yeah.
I'm going to the meeting now.
- Got a minute? - If I said no, would it stop you? No.
NEAP figures are out today.
- Okay.
- They're up.
How many Third World countries do we trail in reading and math? Up's better than down.
The education secretary ought to make a statement.
Tomorrow's no good.
We've got half a dozen events.
We're saying education's our priority.
Tomorrow, we're trying to make news on five of our other priorities.
- Don't you have a meeting? - Two meetings, actually.
- I'll check the calendar.
- Up's better than down.
Where to find a chisel and a stone tablet.
I need to know what the Cabinet's doing tomorrow.
Ideally, sometime before tomorrow.
HUD secretary on home-ownership loans.
Also noon, technical briefing at ONDCP on - Is it? Go back.
What's at noon? - ONDCP technical - No, the housing secretary.
- Home-ownership loans at the HUD event stage.
Something wrong? Page the secretary of Housing and Urban Development.
I wanna see him.
- When? - Look at me.
- Now.
- I'm in the Roosevelt Room.
- Want me to pull you out? - Please.
Okay, we're e-filing the old 1040-A.
You're single, head of your household.
Deanna's a dependent.
Your adjusted gross income is 35,000 per annum.
- Sir, I could do most of this myself.
- I love this.
- Really? Filing tax returns? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- What? I was thinking about the plurality of Americans who decided to pull a lever with your name.
- Suckers.
Okay.
Your mom's social security pension benefit is $ 1536.
- Police pension, $2400.
- And here's where my question is Do you take a standard deduction or itemize? - Yes, sir.
- Did you make any charitable donations? Five hundred dollars to the First Baptist Church.
One hundred eighty-five dollars to the Salvation Army in clothing and items.
Five hundred dollars to the Police Benevolence Society of Washington D.
C.
And $250 to Big Brothers and Sisters of Washington D.
C.
- Really? - Yeah.
Plus, $430 in non-reimbursed medical expenses.
You're better off with the standard deduction.
- Okay.
- I'm hitting send now.
- If you're lying, you're going to the joint.
- Yeah.
It's gonna tell us what your refund is, but I've done a calculation and it will be $ 700.
- That's what I got.
- You spent it already.
- I'm getting a scan DVD player with MP3 playback.
Free shipping and tax is $499 which leaves enough to buy a DVD I found on eBay.
- Yeoman of the Guard? - How well you know me, Mr.
President.
- On Her Majesty's Secret Service.
- Can I tell you what's wrong about Bond? - Nothing.
- Shaken not stirred will get you water with a dash of gin and vermouth.
The reason you stir it with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice.
James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it.
I'll reflect on that while watching my digital-enhanced picture with theater-quality sound.
- Okay.
- Seven hundred dollars? - Four hundred.
- I'm only getting $400 back? - You owe $400.
- I owe the government money.
- You don't need a stamp.
Hand it over.
- There's a mistake.
- Hand it over.
- There's no way I owe money.
- That's not quite how we see it.
- Could I sit down there, please? - Sure.
- Good evening.
- You need me? - Yes, sir.
- Let's go inside.
Milo? Coop? - Help Mr.
Young find his pockets.
- I'm fine.
There's been a mistake.
I'm sorry to come straight to you, but Leo's unavailable now.
You should be getting a call from the energy secretary any minute.
- What happened? - The wire service is reporting a vehicle carrying depleted uranium rods crashed in the Seven Devil Mountains in Idaho.
- It crashed? - It was hit head-on by another truck in the Goldfield Tunnel on Route 234.
- Are there populated areas nearby? Elk Horn's 20 miles away with 20,000.
- Charlie.
- Energy secretary's on the phone.
Conference in the chief of the radiological assistance team.
Charlie.
Get me Fitzwallace, Nancy McNally and let the senior members of the NFC know I need them.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
A truck carrying depleted uranium fuel rods just crashed in Idaho 20 miles from a populated town.
- What's happening? - The president's talking to Tommy about the radiation threat and to National Security.
- There's a problem.
- I'm just telling them.
It was a 24-ton type B, holding fuel rods from the nuclear carrier Truman.
Does 24-ton type B mean anything to anybody? - It's a heavy truck.
- Why National Security? You said he was talking to National Security.
Two trucks in a deserted area, and they happen to crash into each other? - I'd wanna talk to somebody, at least.
- All right, listen.
Postpone the meeting.
- Let's do it.
- This is gonna be all night.
When we get pulled out, we get pulled out.
It doesn't really seem appropriate right now.
You spent a long night with Bruno last night.
Yeah.
And Bruno spent a long night with Doug the night before.
And? There's no electoral math they can come up with, none, that says it's not worth exploring replacing the vice president on the ticket.
Not five months ago in this room, I said I joked that if we win reelection, it was gonna be on the vice president's coattails.
Why I'm sure I said it is because it was leaked.
How has the electoral math changed since then? By the way, the group of people were chosen because Leo wanted to hear from them but also because he was confident there wouldn't be a leak and I hope we live up to that.
- How has the math changed? - Bruno doesn't think Hoynes buys Texas with Ritchie in the race.
If we lose Texas, we lose Florida.
That's a third of the electoral votes we need.
There's a reason the Republicans are nominating him.
Who does? Who does win Texas for us? - Nobody.
We're losing Texas.
- Wait a second.
- Before we go on to who wins Texas - I was saying We've been talking for a minute and 17 seconds and we're discussing new candidates? If no one wins us Texas, why change at all? Can I make it clear nobody's advocating anything.
- Bruno and Doug are.
- Bruno asked for a discussion.
- What's the answer to C.
J.
's question? - Northeast, Pacific Coast and Northwest.
If we don't have Florida and Texas, it means we have to sweep those three.
- And he thinks Hoynes hurts us there? - He thinks someone else could help.
- Did he say who? - Yes.
- Who? - Fitzwallace.
He said Fitzwallace, Toby.
And you think about it .
Yeah.
- Josh? - Yeah.
- How's it going in there? - Well, you know, we're just starting.
Get creative.
Get people thinking, even though you know it's .
I'm gonna go in there alone for a minute.
Hey.
I was just briefed.
They're setting up a joint operations command in Elks Horn.
I wish I'd been here a half-hour ago.
What would you have done a half-hour ago that hasn't already been done? I'd have known a half-hour ago what I know now.
This is why I'm not going to my meeting anymore.
It's a luxury.
I know.
If only technology could invent some way to get in touch with you in an emergency.
Some sort of telephonic device with a personalized number we could call to let you know we needed you.
Perhaps it would look something like this, Mr.
Moto.
- You should've called me.
- Would you stop? All right.
We're coordinating with the governor's office and state FEMA in Boise.
You know, I've noticed that other people keep a set of comfortable clothes in their office for when they have to work late.
I like that.
- You should do that too.
- I do do that.
- You should change.
- You see me wearing a necktie? Never mind.
Can I have my pager back? The hazard assessment by the RAD team is good.
No airborne release of cesium isotopes.
No gamma or neutron radiation readings.
- But .
- But the trucks are still burning.
The fire commander is pulling out his men and equipment as soon as possible.
- I'm sure he's right.
- They haven't tested tunnel fires.
They're built to withstand but apparently a train tunnel in Baltimore burned at 1500.
- Leo, I knew this a half-hour ago.
- Right.
This whole night I'm gonna be a half-hour smarter than you.
Okay.
So you know about the other truck.
- No.
- It was stolen from a rest stop outside Glenn's Ferry two weeks ago.
- The driver's dead? - Yeah.
- Arab? No.
He's Gary Vernon Clarke.
Is that his name or is that what we think it is right now? Looks like it was an accident.
In what happens to be the most dangerous and unanticipated situation for transportation of nuclear waste.
- Yes.
- What's that meeting next door? - Don't worry about it.
Did I leave a folder called Southeast Targets and Thank you.
I've been putting together a folder of my own.
Things that need to be done for the president to issue a proclamation.
- What has to be done? - Let me check.
Nothing.
- Donna - Nothing has to be done.
- He can't just issue a proclamation.
- He can.
He can't just because you want him to.
What's next, executive clemency if you're having a bad hair day? I never have a bad hair day.
Molly Morello was a teacher for 41 years.
Which is nice, but these things are for important causes not individual perks for staffers.
National Digestive Diseases Awareness Week.
- When was that? - Now.
It began after General Pulaski Memorial Day.
- You're gonna mock the dead February was National Sewing Month.
It's the president's name and reputation.
We haven't vetted this woman.
- You're saying, what if she's a lesbian? - If she were a lesbian we could talk.
I'm saying, what if she's a bicycle thief? - I doubt that - Don't doubt it.
Know it.
Do a Google search.
Then talk to me.
- Sorry.
You been waiting? - Good evening, sir.
No, that's fine.
- I got held up at a poker game.
- I love poker.
- I heard you had Caps tickets? - Yes, sir.
- How was the game? - Not very good.
Have you ever seen a good hockey game? - No.
- Me neither.
I can't get next to hockey.
See, I think Americans like to savor situations.
One down, bottom of the ninth.
One-run game, first and third left-hand batter, right-hand reliever, here's the pitch.
Scoring in hockey seems to come out of nowhere.
The play-by-play guy is always shocked.
"LePetier passes to Huckenchuck, who skates past the blue line.
Huckenchuck was traded from Winnipeg for a case of Labatts after sitting out last season with Oh, my God, he scores!" So, what's going on? They're marking up the Internet Education Act tomorrow.
- Tomorrow? - Yes, sir.
And they're zeroing out the Technology Challenge Fund.
- Tomorrow? - Yes, sir.
We only heard about it tonight.
- We're gonna save this.
- That's why I'm here.
- It's only 52 million.
- It's gonna be embarrassing.
don't have Internet access 60% of blacks and Hispanics don't have Internet access.
I have to make some calls.
- Yeah.
The problem is .
- What? The chairman.
- You attacked him at the DNC spring - You sent me to attack him.
I understand.
- They're marking it up tomorrow? - Yes, sir.
You're gonna do this for me.
You're gonna get this done.
- Yes, sir.
- Decorated in Vietnam, defense hawk There'd be astronomical black turnout in Georgia, North Carolina and Louisiana.
- The South is on the table.
- Is he a Democrat? - He would be now.
- No Republican would criticize him.
Black turnout would explode.
We'd realign the country.
- That's assuming it's a two-man race.
- Who's gonna get into it this late? John Hoynes.
Hoynes as an Independent? - Yeah.
- The guy practically has corporate sponsorship.
The Tostitos vice president is gonna lead an Independent movement? - It's not that ridiculous.
- It is! He'd be finished in politics.
Some future after we publicly humiliate him by kicking him off the ticket.
- What are we afraid of? - A household name with his base of conservative Democrats and populist Independents.
Starts at 15, 20 percent.
Now every state's up for grab because it's a three-way.
- But he'll lose.
Which is gratifying, but not much of a consolation since we'll lose too.
Say what you want.
Hoynes is a pragmatist.
To do this he'd be the craziest vice president since Aaron Burr.
And Burr shot a guy.
- I can't believe we're talking about this.
- Your meeting.
Getting that a lot these days.
So that leaves us where? Wondering if Fitzwallace is a Democrat or a Republican.
Yeah.
It sounds like you're tripped up on 1783.
- Which is? - HR-1783.
A tax rebate from last year.
Why would that affect my return this year? - Did you get a rebate last year? - Yeah.
- There's the answer.
- Where? Your rebate came off this year's taxes.
That's how we paid.
Hang on.
The money I got back last year has to be paid for? - Yeah.
- That's not a rebate.
That's an advance.
- Technically, I guess.
- Not technically.
This is like getting a bonus and having it deducted from your paycheck.
This doesn't sound like very patriotic talk to me, Charlie.
- It's not.
Why did you call it a rebate? - So people would spend it.
- If it was an advance they'd save it.
- It was an advance.
- You spend it? - On my Visa bill.
We would have preferred you ate out or traveled.
- Me too.
- Well, in any event .
- What? Oh, what are you, the collector? - Leo.
- He used the rebate to pay his Visa bill.
- It wasn't a rebate.
It was an advance.
A trip to Banana Republic would have killed you? Let's go.
- The problem is we don't know anything.
- That's never been a problem for us.
We don't know anything until we can get into the tunnel.
And we can't get into the tunnel until the place cools down.
Until we can get in, we don't know if we have to evacuate Elk Horn.
Well, that's FEMA's call.
FEMA's indicated they're gonna wanna make it the governor's call.
The governor's indicated he wants you to step in I should set a ransom.
I'll tell you the radiation levels but first I want your electoral votes.
Or is that a bad strategy? - It's pretty bad.
- No ransom.
We'll play this one straight.
What about other shipments? There are two other shipments on the road.
One's low-level radioactive waste, mostly medical.
- It's on three rail cars in South Carolina.
- Have we stopped the train? The National Guard's securing it till we know what happened.
- What about the second one? - That's more problematic.
There's 200 pounds of transuranic materials from Rocky Flats where they assemble the triggers.
They're about 150 miles from Carlsbad, and we can't tell them to pull over.
- That makes them vulnerable.
- They beefed up the escort? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
No one knew if Eisenhower was a Democrat or Republican before he ran.
Grant only voted once, and it was for the other guys.
Grant works as an example in almost any situation.
That's Grant's legacy.
- Plus, he won the Civil War.
- What about Leo? - What'd I do? - As running mate.
Bartlet-McGarry.
- Done.
- It's not absurd, you know.
- It is.
- It's not totally absurd.
- Yes, it is.
- He wants your parking space.
- I really do.
- It's not totally absurd.
You have a good parking space.
You know, if it weren't for the drinking and the Valium .
- Yet, Grant .
- That's right.
They told Lincoln, "Grant's a drunk.
" He said: "Send my generals a case of what he drinks.
" - I see a 30-second spot.
- An alcoholic can't be vice president? You really think the 20th century didn't see an alcoholic in the West Wing? I'll be around.
Hey, Leo.
- They didn't mean anything.
- Yeah, I didn't take anything.
What's going on in Idaho? The tunnel's still hot.
We're looking at evacuating Elk Horn.
- Elk Horn's 20,000.
- Yeah.
- We've done this before? - For hurricanes.
Yeah.
- This is a radioactive cloud.
- I wouldn't call it a cloud.
You wouldn't call it the end of a Yankee game, either.
I don't know.
You got your sirens, route and tone alerts on local radio and TV.
- Paul Reveres go out.
- Civil defense volunteers.
Yeah, we got the armory in Caldwell, Still, we're talking about widespread panic and chaos, right? I assume.
- Anything else? - I don't wanna go back to my meeting.
- Well, you're not staying here.
- Okay.
There must be 110 million for distance learning and telemedicine.
Can we shave that down? There are three rural committee members who love distance learning.
I'm not sure I see the point if the rural poor don't have Internet hookups.
- Why don't we plus-up the entire bill? - Sir? We get our Internet 52 million.
They get to add 52 million for Internet-blocking software or whatever they want.
Can't we do that? One of the problems is they're deficit hawks.
- We're deficit hawks too.
- That's the other problem.
All right, work with me here.
What do they want? A bridge, a highway a soda machine? What do they want? - They want your name off the bill.
They want your name off it.
They love this bill.
Helping the poor learn computers so they can lift themselves up by the bootstraps? It gets voted out of committee unanimously, but it's an election year.
When is it not an election year? I like what Daniel Webster said when the Whig Party offered him vice president: "I do not propose to be buried until I am dead.
" I used to be every Republican's favorite Democrat.
- Screw it, Sam.
- Absolutely, Mr.
Vice President.
Let's take my name off it.
Yes, sir.
- Where's Secretary Fisher? - He can't make it tonight.
- Excuse me? - The secretary's at an NGA reception at the Willard Hotel.
She says he can see you tomorrow.
- She? - His scheduler.
- You paged him.
- She called back.
Call Fisher or his scheduler and say: "I want the secretary here in half an hour to talk about moving his announcement to the briefing room because we have more TV cameras.
" - Because we have The most dangerous place in Washington is between Bill Fisher and a TV camera.
Clean as a whistle.
- Thank you.
- Molly Morello.
When was the last time I asked you for anything? - By the way, I found this.
- What? "A proclamation to modify the quantitative limitations applicable to the imports of wheat gluten.
" We are just a little rococo, aren't we? Why is Molly Morello less worthy of a proclamation than General Pulaski? - I wish I knew who Pulaski was.
- This is what I mean.
She's not less worthy, but neither is she more than the other ninety thousand public school teachers who are retiring.
Who weren't lucky enough to have a staffer as a former student.
- That's trouble.
- Who would find out? "Who would find out" is also where we frequently find trouble.
- You're right.
- Yes.
All right, you're right.
- Hey.
- You get it done? - Yeah.
- He's taking his name off it? Yeah.
Well, it feels like we're almost done in there.
You wanna tell me what this meeting's about now? Replacing Hoynes.
- What are you? - Bruno wanted us to look at replacing.
- Josh.
- So we're looking at it.
We're looking at it, and everybody's treating me like .
- Why? - There's electoral math.
- Was I sent away? - No.
- So I wouldn't be at that meeting? - No.
Are you talking about names? Fitzwallace, Leo and Ulysses S.
Grant.
Not for nothing, but before we go in there, I wanna be clear.
I didn't have to convince him or even suggest it.
Right off the bat he said, "Let's take my name off it.
" - Yeah.
- Leo? The vice president.
Thanks.
You can go home now.
- I go home when you go home.
- I'll get back to you.
Mr.
Vice President, I like your style.
- It's money well spent.
- It deserved to have your name on it.
I've got my name on other stuff.
You know what I don't like? I don't like we can't campaign on it.
- Can you sit for a minute? - Yeah.
I'm in a bind, and I think you know what it is.
I'm sorry, I don't.
I respect the anonymity of an alcoholic, I can't reveal what's said in a meeting but I've got a responsibility to the president, and in fact, to the country.
Leo, I'm sorry.
I honestly don't know what you're saying.
- You've gotta tell the president.
- Tell him what? - That you're an alcoholic.
- Are you telling me he doesn't know? - How would he know? - You didn't tell him? Of course I didn't.
- Before you picked me, you didn't tell? - No.
- I always assumed - No.
Well .
Let's go see our boss.
- Hey.
- How was the NGA? Oh, you know the governors, too many mandates, too little money.
- I can hear that one at home.
- Good one.
- The governors liked it.
- Yeah.
Have you announced for the governor of New Jersey bill? - Excuse me? - Did I miss an announcement? That's three years away.
I'm trying to serve I never heard of these loans.
So I'm assuming it's a campaign proposal.
Camden and Newark will go nuts.
I know it's not national.
- Give me a break.
- Know how I know? National programs are announced by the president unless this White House passes on them first.
Toby, this is a nickel-and-dime program.
Calm down.
Right.
We're announcing a new replacement for Social Security - I thought we were - They're not your nickels.
- They're not your dimes! - Hang on a minute.
The president asked me to join his Cabinet.
He asked me to stall my career with the agreement that he'd help me You don't want it.
You're helping yourself.
If this announcement makes A17 of the Metro section, I'd be surprised.
There's one name on the ballot this November.
Not yours, not mine, not the governor of New Jersey.
No one will work harder than Jed Bartlet to put you there.
This president loses reelection, your career is finished, and so is mine.
What's your point? Next time you announce new policy that isn't cleared we're announcing you're moving back to New Jersey.
- What about the loans? - C.
J.
will announce them tomorrow.
Come on.
Let me do it with the president.
It's too small for the president.
I've gotta go back to a meeting.
- Yep.
It was the rebate.
- It wasn't a rebate.
It was an advance.
- You say potato .
- I do say potato, so does everybody.
We wanted to inject money into retail and tourism.
Why not wait until people were supposed to have the money? The economy might have improved on its own by then.
In which case, it would have been pointless.
- Yeah.
- Economists make it up as they go along.
- Yeah.
- Did it work? Not that much.
Most people did what you did.
They saved or they paid down debt.
We don't want people to save and reduce debt? We do, but when the next guy's president.
- You win.
- I always do.
Yes, sir.
- I'll tell you what I find interesting.
- What's that? You.
$35,000 a year, a sister to support and you gave $ 1435 to charity? I'm not sure that check isn't better off in your hands.
Oh, I'm taking it.
Don't be ridiculous.
When you get to your place, you're gonna find a DVD player and that wimp-ass Bond movie.
- Mr.
President And I threw in Yeoman of the Guard on CD.
- That was an incredibly nice gesture.
- I'm really something.
Mr.
President.
- Hey, John.
- Could we have a minute, sir? - Yeah.
- Charlie, get that woman on the phone.
I'm feeling magical tonight.
They're in the tunnel.
The readings show nothing beyond the predictable level of radiation.
The flatbed's back on its way, and the Carlsbad is behind gates.
- So we dodged a bullet.
- Yeah.
We pack this stuff in two inches of stainless steel, four inches of lead.
We rammed it with trains and dropped it from helicopters and it still isn't gonna protect us from the thing we haven't thought of.
They took a cast to Aberdeen Proving Ground and shot a missile through it.
They showed me video.
What can I do for you? Sir, there's something very important we need to talk to you about.
What? Well, it's delicate and surprising and I wanna make sure your first reaction is measured, so I'd like us to I'm a recovering alcoholic.
- Really? - Yes, sir.
- Is there anybody left who's not? - Sir - For how long? - I'm sorry? - How long have you been in recovery? - My last drink it was the year I was 22.
- Did you say 22? - Yes, sir.
- You haven't had a drink since 22? - That's right.
- I didn't start drinking till I was 25.
- What the hell do you guys count - There's a history in my family, and I had a few experiences in college.
I liked beer a lot.
So I started going to meetings.
- I'm pretty sure if I stopped - Twenty-two? - Yes, sir.
- You and James Bond ought to team up.
- I don't .
- Don't worry.
He's ordering a watered-down martini, and Leo, what is this meeting going on across the hall? - We can talk about it later.
It's a meeting about having me replaced on the ticket.
I know how to count to 270.
John, I assure you I assure you that if it were a serious notion, we would - Texas is gone.
So is Florida.
- We're not doing it.
- You should think about it.
- Are you taking your name off that bill? Nobody benefits from the Internet right now more than the rural poor.
You're taking your name off.
We can't campaign on it.
- Yes, sir.
- And if somebody's attacking us you know what to do.
I call Leo.
Yeah, but don't discount the possibility that it might be Leo.
Yes, sir.
John, despite this recent revelation that you drank beer in college I've always liked you a little more than you thought I did.
But that's not why you're staying.
It's this.
Four words.
I've always liked you more than you thought I did too.
Just a little, right? - Yes, sir.
- Me too.
Anything else? - Thank you, Mr.
President.
- Thank you, sir.
Charlie! - Yes, sir.
- Let's go.
I'm a magic man.
- Donnatella.
- Good evening, Mr.
President.
Tell Josh that General Pulaski was a Polish brigadier general who vanquished the Russian and Prussian military, came to the colonies and commanded our cavalry during the Revolution.
- I will.
- It says here in a briefing paper hastily written by Deputy Josh Lyman that in the '60s, when the Madison superintendent banned Twelfth Night for reasons passing understanding a Mrs.
Molly Morello had students over to her home on Saturdays to read it.
I didn't know that, sir.
Josh wrote you a memo on Molly Morello? Yeah, because all I had tonight was a nuclear spill in Idaho.
It says,"She came in two hours early to teach an AP English class she developed, because the school didn't offer one.
" - I was in that class.
- She deserves a proclamation.
- I wish I could give her one, but I can't.
- I understand.
It's just too much inside baseball, you know? You're very nice to even talk to me about it.
Charlie, I've been tapping my finger on the desk for about a minute now.
- Sir? - The magic-man thing works better when you pick up on signals, Tonto.
What's that you say? There's a phone call for Donna? Good evening.
This is the White House.
For whom are you holding? I'm holding for Donna Moss.
This is Mrs.
Morello.
- Oh, my God.
- Donna? - Mrs.
Morello, it's me.
- Is everything all right? Everything's fine.
I hadn 't heard from you in a long time, so l No.
Everything's fine.
Sally Seidelman told me you were retiring.
Yes, at the end of this year.
Well, I just wanted to say .
I don't know, I just .
I just wanted to say .
- I don't know.
- Are you sure everything's all right? - Tell her where you are.
- Donna? I'm in the Oval Office with the President of the United States and it's because of you.
- Mrs.
Morello? - What a thing to say.
- We're all very proud of you, Donna.
- She didn't do anything.
- Was that? - It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs.
Morello.
I've got a couple of questions.
When you taught Beowulf, did you make the kids read it in the original Middle English or did you use a translation? - We used a translation, Mr.
President.
- Okay.
- We'll call that the James Bond version.
- Yes, sir.
What are you doing with your retirement? - My husband and I were gonna travel.
- That's great.
I'd stay away from the Elk Horn, Idaho area for a little while.
You'll read why in the morning.
Let's talk about Twelfth Night.
- Twenty-two? - Yeah.
- You haven't had a drink since 22? - Right.
- Grant would have slapped your face.
- He did once.
Listen, it's fine that this is funny and, Mr.
Vice President, I couldn't care less.
- But what about the campaign? - What about it? - President just got past an honesty issue.
- He's not past it.
- If it becomes public - That's a big assumption.
No, it's not.
I think that issue is probably worth further discussion but we're done talking about the ticket.
The president wants the vice president to remain the vice president and he wrote down his one and only reason.
"Because I could die.
" Well, of course, he's right, sir.
It doesn't solve the problem of the electoral math.
I don't know what the field will look like after Labor Day.
It'll be shaken up, but right now the math's tough.
And I know you all think he's a punch line, and I know why.
But I disagree.
They're sure running the right guy against us.
Am I the only one who thinks a giant sumo wrestler and a hockey goal might get the job done? I don't know.
I'm open to new ideas.