Will and Grace s03e17 Episode Script

Last time on Will and Grace I was out last night, and I saw someone who is very close to a friend of mine having an affair.
I saw him on a date with a woman who was obviously his mistress.
Stanley Walker, you cheating piece of old man flap! What happened to this guy Matt you keep talking about? He sounds like dynamite.
Why isn't he here? - I meant to mention that, Dad.
We broke up.
- I never liked him.
- You never met him.
- I don't have to meet him.
Any guy can't make it work with you, there's something wrong with him.
My dad had never said anything that sweet to me.
The last time I was home he turned around from his "Kojak" rerun and told me I looked like a hooker in that tube top.
That's a good story I found out a year ago my miserable homophobic father is really my miserable homophobic stepfather, and I have no idea who my real dad is.
Don't play the distant daddy game with me, girly.
I'll kick your ass every time.
What's cookin', good lookin'? Whenever my dad goes to a restaurant he always says the same thing.
"God, I can make a meal just from the appetizers.
" So, that's what I'm making him: a meal of appetizers.
Good, good.
Mom never lets him eat this stuff at home.
Why shouldn't he? - Why not? - He's a great guy.
- He is.
- He should have a little fun.
- He's having an affair.
- He's what? I'm gonna say this just once.
My family is not like your family.
There's certain things that we don't talk about So, if my dad says that she's a colleague, that's what she is.
- I can't stay.
- What? This business thing just came up and sort of ballooned into Give me a hug.
I gotta run.
Well, no, Dad, I just made dinner.
I got won tons and crab cakes and chicken drumettes.
God, I could make a whole meal out of that.
- What are you doing here? - I'm sorry, I gotta pee.
I couldn't wait.
It was all that champagne in the limo.
Bathroom? It's the room on the right.
The one with the toilet in it.
That makes sense.
Oh, I'm sorry, my turn.
I'm gonna call the restaurant and tell 'em we'll be a little late.
I'll be right back.
Oh, Will, what you must be feeling.
We're just talking about it, and then there it is! "There it is?" What am I supposed to say? "Who let the dogs out?" She's a colleague.
Ohcomeon.
I mean, it's one thing when it's just this abstract notion floating out in the universe, but it's another thing when it's peeing in your toilet.
Let it go this is not a problem.
Do you really expect me to believe that you're ok with this? I do.
In fact, I'll show you how ok I am.
I'm gonna invite them both to dinner.
Oh, right.
Yeah, the four of us are gonna eat together.
That's a dysfunctional dinner I'd like to see.
Crab cakes are dynamite.
And what do you think of the chicken drumettes, Pop? You know, I used a little marmalade the glaze.
I call the recipe "Chicken Lady Marmalade.
" You know, one of these days, I'm gonna have to figure out the difference between marmalade and jam.
Maybe I could find it online.
You know, there's something we haven't talked about I'm really kind of surprised nobody's ever brought it up.
Oh, finally.
Is this not the coldest winter we have ever had? Any sign of the chubby cheater? No.
He's been in that podiatrist office for, like, two hours.
Getting his hammer toes fixed up nice and shiny for his new slut! That garbage man is hot.
Grind that garbage, trash man.
Yeah, you're so dirty Over there, honey.
Over there.
Stan's in his car.
He's probably heading off to his love nest.
Drive, drive! - Your skin looks good, Jack.
- I've been washing my makeup off before I go to bed.
Where is he going? He's going at that hore house.
That's not a hore house.
That's Burger King.
What? Stop the car! What happened? What's going on? What is he doing? He's going straight to the window.
What? Did he call the order in? No, they know his car.
When they see him coming, they grab five whoppers, a couple of pies throw them to the window and try not to get the fingers near his mouth.
Not this time It looks like they're handing him a.
a salad.
That's all the proof I need.
First he gets his toes in shape Now he's eating sensitive .
My god, has the men no shame? I know what you're going through.
I once found out Marco planned on cheating on me with someone he met threw a personal ad.
- How did ou catch him? - It was my ad.
I could have screamed and yelled but instead I took the high road and had an affair with my very own but my point is Don't get mad.
Get a new rich husband Exactly Drive! I just can't get used to the cold.
- I mean, I'm an Arizona girl.
- Tempe? About 110 in the summer.
Me, I don't mind the cold.
I never have.
Too cold is Is not good.
I like it just, you know cold enough.
You know, you get a sweater, you get a hot drink.
You know what I'm talking about? No, I don't mind the cold.
- But I also like it hot.
- Some like it hot.
Get it? So, Grace What do you like? What Are we really still talking about the weather? Tina, come on.
I want to show you their view.
They've got a hell of a balcony.
Not so much a balcony as a dead plant museum.
We'll bring a t-shirt from the gift shop.
My - God! - What? What the hell was that? I know.
Next time I'm gonna label the whipped peas.
Everybody always thinks it's guacamole, and then it's just a letdown.
That dinner was unbelievable! The level of denial You people should be studied! - Give me a break.
- No! I am serious! I feel like a Jewish Jane Goodall, and you're "goyim in the mist!" Aren't you upset by this? He's not even my dad, and I'm upset by this.
Why don't you call him on this? Why? I'll tell you why! Because I'm not gonna be the one to drop a bomb like this on my family! I did it once before one Christmas, and it ripped us apart! When you told your mother you hated her fruitcake? No! When I told my mother I was a fruitcake! Will, that is totally different.
What you were doing wasn't wrong.
Look, it just doesn't matter! Let someone else confront him on this.
In the meantime, we're not gonna talk about this, and that includes you.
But I You I It's a little chile con carne out there, you guys.
- It's cold, actually.
- Not too cold to snow.
You know, the other day it was too cold to snow, the proof? It didn't snow.
Remember that, Grace? Yeah.
I remember.
We thought it was gonna snow But it didn't.
But it'sit's never too hot to rain.
I remember this one summer day The weather was perfect.
Or at least we thought it was perfect.
But then this hot front came in from the west.
This hot skinny front And it made it rain.
And we couldn't ride our bicycles And nothing was ever good ever again! That really is bad weather! I'm so confused! I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.
And all the other people are pigs And I'm the pretty one, but everyone thinks I'm ugly because they're all pigs and they think pigs are pretty! I like the one with Burgess Meredith when he broke his glasses.
He was The Penguin, too.
And you know where penguins live, it's really cold.
I cannot do this anymore! I am sorry! There is a problem in this room that nobody's talking about! I'll say it.
You've got a boob coming out.
I have got to get out of this room Right now.
- Sorry, I'd better - No, no.
Let me.
Sometimes a woman needs to speak to another woman.
And besides, I need a cigarette.
Well.
I don't know what to say.
I'm disappointed in you, Will.
You're disappointed in me? Tina shows up here, and I think, "My God, this is my worst nightmare.
This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
" Why don't I just handle my mid-life crisis with hair plugs and a Ferrari like any other normal person? - You bought the Ferrari.
- How do you think I met Tina? Instead, you invite us to sit down here and have dinner, and I think, "Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Maybe this is good.
Maybe somebody will finally drag this out in the open.
" Instead, what do we do? We sit down, we talk about the difference between a tsunami and a monsoon like a bunch of Micronesian hut people! Say what's on your mind! Come on Dad! We're Trumans.
We don't do that, remember? We don't, but you do.
You're the brave one.
Look at your life! You came out.
You told the truth.
I rely on you to say what's what! I know you're having an affair.
And I think it sucks! Good.
Good.
This is good.
But you're my dad, you know? You're my hero! And you keep doing this stuff and expecting me to look the other way and I can't keep doing it! I need this, you see? I need this.
Come on! And it hurts me.
And it makes me angry, and I can't pretend it doesn't.
You shouldn't! You shouldn't! Don't! I need to say this.
- You do! You do! - And you need to hear this! - I do.
- And so does mom.
Let's take it easy.
I'll I'll talk to mom.
Good.
Well, we're I will be in a 100% honest.
There is one more thing I've got to tell you.
It was the worst guacamole I've ever eaten.
What are you looking at, Driver? Keep you eyes on you own coktail.
Here it is Your new husband catalog.
- A.
k.
a - "Hot Jocks".
Oh my dog, it's so embarrassing.
It's totally my husband catalog.
The 400 richest people in America Let's find you something a husband.
Oh my god Yes.
Bernard Hellman.
Oh yeah.
Bernie is our men.
Karen Delaney Saint Croix Poppy Walker Hellman.
It's gonna ring good.
God Driver! Get us to the Santon Place and step on it.
Step on it.
Yes mister In just a few short minutes, I'll be on my way to to be What the hell am I doing? Hello Mrs McFarland Jack, I can't do this.
Stan is everything to me I've go to take the moral high ball - Don't you mean the high ground? - It'll come right after the high ball.
Just because Stan is having an affair it doesn't mean that I should get rid of him.
But I'm not gonna take this lying down.
So let's go find the woman who is.
Jesus Christ.
I don't know why I fell for him, Grace.
Because all the good ones are married or gay.
And you got the gay one.
Would you mind putting that down.
It's really bothering me.
I'm sorry It's such a disgusting habits.
That's why I paid 2 ground to a hypnotist in Boston to help me quit.
Money well spent.
I don't know why I took this all so personally.
I guess it's because I've always thought George is the perfect dad My dad has always been so emotionally unavailable.
He once missed my field hockey finals because Rosey Grier was signing autographs at the local Ford dealership.
My dad went to prison when I was four.
The only contact we've ever had is through a sheet of bulletproof glass.
I never win this game.
There you are.
You played it pretty cool the other day but I wanna know who he's having the affair with, and I wanna know right now! Well, that would be her.
I'm Tina.
Don't give me the How dare you come between a man and his wife! What you're doing is morally wrong! I have kids with that man! His ex-wife's body is ruined as a result! But he's all I've got.
You think that you're coming between me and Stanley Walker, you're not gonna get him without a fight.
That's right, lady, put 'em up! Who's Stanley Walker? She's having an affair with Will's dad.
Good for you, honey! He's a good catch, keep up the good work, you got a nice ass! Hey Mister Men Never looked better.
Well Maybe once but I doubt it.
Karen, you're back.
I've been worried sick.
Did you find anything else? The best news ever! I heard shewing.
I'm so relieved.
It was all a mistake.
Grace told Will's dad was having an affair.
Wait Stan was having an affair with Will's dad? It's two men but I'm strangely astonished No fruit of the loon They saw Will's dad with another women Stan's clean, isn't it great? Wait a minute If Will's dad was having the affair then why was Stan getting his toes polished in eating salad? Oh my god, you're right.
That adultery bastard.
He has been making some other woman uncomfortable for three minutes.
Three minutes? That vitamine has been working.
I'll kill him! Lady, your dumber than the lint I cleaned out of your trap.
What are you doing, talking? I thought I had your job wired shut.
I'm gonna put biz in your pillow tonight.
You know, all these stuff Mr Stan is doing for you getting more cleaned up and skinny He was worried that he disgusted you in bed.
How did he get an idea like that? Maybe from that certified letter you send him? Don't aske me why but the man loves you.
In fact, he's upstairs right now waiting for you.
My Stanley loves me There is no one else, I'm the only one.
That's right.
I'm so lucky.
My little sugar cube is up there waiting for me right now.
Ready to spend me like the pilar on the Black Cook.
Come on, Jack.
Let's get out of here.
Lady! All right.
You can come too.
You know, you were incredibly inappropriate tonight.
I asked you to stay away from my family's buisiness and you stuck your nose in it anyway.
You acted like a total loon in the process.
I know.
- Thanks, I owe you a big time.
- I know.
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