Workaholics s03e17 Episode Script

And that is what we call the hammer tire! The sledgehammer does not come with your Demamp Camp: Working Out With Tires DVD purchase.
Blake, you get that? God damn it, Adam.
Yes.
We got it.
Hey, Blake, don't talk to me like that.
Ders, did we get that? That argument for the behind-the-scenes camera? Oh, no, no, no, this camera's not behind-the-scenes footage, okay? This is my MTV True Life: I'm in a Ménage A Braj.
Heh, heh, Ménage A Braj.
- Let's focus, all right? - All right, yep.
We're missing some exercises here.
- Let me check the list.
- Pffft.
We got the tire hammer.
We got tire jump.
- Tire wiggle.
- Yep.
- Tire waggle.
- Got it.
- The tire flip lift! - Yes.
- That's right.
- Good call, good call.
Blake, you getting this? Oh, I'm getting it, baby.
We got it.
This next exercise, your bis might turn into tris, while your tris might turn into God knows what.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Oh! My shoulders! We gotta get you to a hospital! - Pop it back into place! - No, no, no.
- I'm gonna pop it back! - No, don't - Ohhh! That made it so much worse! - Let me out.
- I cannot believe they let you walk out of the E.
R.
looking this way.
We gotta get you fixed.
Yeah, for 2,000 bucks? Yeah, right.
I'm saving up for hair plugs for when I need them - in the future.
- Well, what's the deal, man? I thought you had insurance.
We laughed so much times at those - Geico Gecko commercials.
- Mm-hmm.
I guess my Grandpa must have taken me off his plan, which is fine, 'cause I hate that man.
Don't wanna be on his stupid insurance anyways.
Could you let me out of here? You can't live like this, Adam, come on.
You have to start the wave today at Jillian's hockey game.
I can lead the wave.
I can Okay, that actually hurts a lot.
I'll do it next time.
Doesn't matter.
Could you open the door? All right, fine, it's settled.
We're gonna go see Gramps Demamp.
Yep.
'Cause you know what? You're lucky you even have a grandpa.
I never even met mine.
I bet he was awesome.
I be he had crazy hair.
Yeah, I bet he did.
I mean, old people are really cool.
They're like they're like the crypt keeper.
They just tell you stories.
Yeah, or like young wizards.
Fine.
I'll tell you guys.
My grandfather touched me as a kid.
- In the butt hole.
- What? Okay, he didn't actually touch me.
He refused to hug me.
I am not gonna go see my Grandpa! You let me out of this car right now.
No, we're taking you to see him, all right? - Blake, map it.
We're going.
- Got it.
Hi.
Here to see George Demamp.
He's my grandfather.
If he's dead, I'm okay with that.
You act like you wouldn't care, but you would.
You would cry.
Sign in, please.
Whoa, check it out, guys.
This dude throws knives into cats.
That's a gun and a coyote.
You can tell from the snout.
- Oh.
- But yeah, this is my day job.
My real passion is animal control.
My little line is, "the animals in here are way worse than the coyotes out there.
" That's a good joke.
- That's clever.
- That's funny.
- Thank you.
- It's not clever.
And it sure as hell isn't a good joke.
The people that walk these halls built this country, okay? - It's my little line.
- All right.
Which room is my dumb, stupid, fat, ugly Grandpa in? Gun one, gun two Hey, Grandpa! Oh.
Well, well, well.
Look who it is.
Short-wide.
Mm, good one.
You come out of the closet yet? No.
Only closet I'm in is the one that I'm trapped in.
With R.
Kelly, watching a rap opera.
Ah, cut the crap.
I know why you're here.
You want to weasel back onto my health insurance, you damn freeloader.
I'm not a freeloader, okay? It's just I can't afford health insurance, and I expect it to be free.
- I have to go to the hospital.
- Hospital? Hospital didn't help me when I rode a Jeep out of a B-52 at 35,000 feet It was 25,000 last time.
had to parachute into enemy territory, and took eight bullets up my ass.
Yeah.
But you don't know anything about that because you've never been in a war! Yeah, I've never been in a war 'cause there's never been any big wars for me to serve in! Oh, jeez, you know, I don't have time for this.
I've got my annual Luau, and I am in charge of the pig.
And I'm not talking about your Aunt Holly.
Aunt Holly has a glandular disorder.
Hey, could you hold that door? I actually can't open doors! Ow! Ow! I demand Why did you bring your flip cam? 'Cause I'm changing the plan.
It's gonna be MTV True Life: I'm into old people.
I don't care.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Check out this old Braj.
On a big ol' shady oak tree Oh, man.
This dude is sick! I'm talking, like, terminally chill.
- He is chill.
I'm just gonna need a fresher angle than some aged rocker.
I mean, W.
W.
K.
L.
D.
? What would Kurt Loder do? Said I was born Old people have been around since the dawn of time.
They have stories and messages.
Here's one now.
Hey, ma'am, can I ask you a few ques we'll find a better one than that.
Hey, nice shot.
I know.
Is it okay if I ask you a couple questions? Questions? Just questions about your life.
You know, I feel like people of your generation have such wisdom that you can share.
Why don't you tell me about what you did before you lived here? I traveled to the world's best cities, and in exchange, I married a rich man I didn't love.
- Yeah.
- But enough about me.
- Shoot.
- I-I don't know how to play.
My dad never let me in the billiards room growing up, so Oh, that's heartbreaking.
Maybe I can help you.
Ow.
All right, I'll start low? Now, before you shoot Close your eyes, and put it in.
Is everything okay in here? It's fine, Mark.
Just fine.
Why don't we go somewhere where we can be a little more private? All right.
She don't want me no more Whoo! Yeah! That was awesome, man! Where'd you learn how to play like that? I roadied for ZZ Top.
Plus I started taking guitar lessons last year.
I love ZZ Top.
They're like the champagne of beer-drinking music.
Brother, I could tell you some stories.
I would love to hear those.
Oh, my gosh.
What are you what are you doing? I you got a cigarette in your neck.
Hey, you can't smoke in here.
He can't smoke in here.
And he knows that, because we've been through this, Arthur.
Haven't we? I don't get to have any fun in this dump.
They took away my cigarettes.
They took away my booze.
I can't even steal any pills anymore.
I mean, what is wrong with young people today, huh? They need to respect their elders' desire to do as many drugs as they want.
You seem to me to be a pretty righteous hombre.
I wish you were my grandpa.
I tell you what.
You run some interference for me, help me score some pills, you can call me anything you want, son.
I know that I haven't been in, like, a war war.
But last spring, I got in a fight at a dodgers game, and yeah, he beat me up pretty good.
It was a very, very violent Mexican man.
But I got the first laugh.
But you're too fat to fight.
Go home, short-wide.
I got a pig to carve.
And I'm not talking about your Aunt Silvia.
Stop it! You stop! Ow! Ow.
I am not a pussy.
And I'm gonna prove it to you.
I'm gonna launch off this roof at 7 miles per hour like a war helicopter.
Then I'm gonna deploy this bed sheet as my parachute And gently drop down to safety.
You're gonna die.
So would your girlfriend be mad if she knew you were all alone in another woman's room? No, I don't even have a girlf I'm between girlfriends right now.
Models is what I'm usually dating, but no, this is strictly journalistic, so well, come and get your scoop.
I know what you're doing, but your husband's sleeping right there.
Oh, honey, my husband's been sleeping there for the last six years.
Drop your pants, and I'll tell you everything you want.
All right, I just I really want to be on MTV True Life.
Have you seen it? It's pretty good.
Oh, not so fast, Bronco.
- Ow.
- I may not be old, but I am old-fashioned.
So, uh, dance for me first.
Right? And then a little bit of this.
It's not the butterfly.
It's the tootsie roll.
Know what I mean? Nice day.
- Uh-huh.
- What kind of enchiladas were those, huh? Road kill? Mm-hmm.
Wouldn't mind if we had some smooth pudding every once in a while.
Oh! Oh! I'm coming, sir.
- Oh, bacon bits! - Okay.
Oh, just the tip of my hip no, no need to touch, really! No, it's fine.
You got witch hands.
- No.
- You got witch hands, okay? Oh, so tell me about the '60s.
Did you march, and for what side? What happened? Did somebody hit the emergency Peggy, Jesus Christ.
Not again.
Again? Nice, I think we got 'em, man.
Hey! You are not two old men.
You are an old man, but you are not.
And in conclusion, as the civil rights activist Dr.
Martens Luther King once said, take yee sleazy.
And I'm out.
Ow, my shoulders! Oh, God! Oh, God! Damn it.
Okay, you three, guess what.
Go to your rooms, and say aloha to the Luau.
But make it the good-bye aloha, 'cause you're not going.
Get.
And you three, get the hell out of here.
Don't film me.
Don't film me anymore.
This is all your fault.
- Blake.
- See ya, Grandpa.
This sucks.
I finally get a grandpa worth keeping and loving, and his beard slips right through my fingers.
Yeah, and I might as well call my true life MTV True Life: I can't make an MTV True Life to save my life.
- This isn't over.
Mm-mm.
- No, it's not.
You still need insurance from your Gramps.
I need to prove to that old turd that I'm a real Demamp.
I'm gonna steal his wrinkly ass out of here, and then I'm gonna take him to the yard, and the yard is our house, and I'm gonna bark at him like a big dog, 'cause I'm a big dog, and I'm ready to Howwwl! - What are you talking about? - I don't know, man.
I'm in a lot of pain right now.
I think I might die.
Lady and old dudes, welcome to the inautical our Luau for old people party.
Hey, what's up? - Jillian! - Hey! - Where's the Luau stuff? - What is this? I don't know.
It's a Luau.
It's a different kind of Luau.
Luau? Blake texted me Lou Albano.
- What? - I thought he meant, like, "Captain Lou" Albano, the wrestling manager and Cindy Lauper's dad.
Ohhh, yeah, psh.
Look at that.
Phone must've auto-corrected Luau to Lou Albano.
Wow, that's insane.
How often are you texting the words "Lou Albano"? I don't know.
Like, four to five times a week.
But what's up with all the cool, uh, hip, happening chicks, Jillian? Oh, this is my hockey team.
We were gonna go to the bar after our big win, but this seemed like more fun.
Yeah, bunch of crazy Russian bitches.
No, they're dolls.
They're sweet girls.
- Oh, I bet.
- What's up, babies? You know the mouth of the South ain't gonna miss a "Captain Lou" Albano party with hockey chicks! Slash-Luau.
It's me.
Uh, it's Karl.
I'm dressed as Jimmy Hart.
So how does our Luau compare to your old folks' Luau? I like this one a lot better.
Thank you.
We worked kind of Oh, I see what you're God, you're hey! Here's the deal.
I'll let you have a dance, one song, but then you gotta answer one of my questions.
- Sure thing, babe.
- All right.
Have a good have a good time.
Ahh.
- Now, this is my kinda party.
- Yeah.
What's going on here? Russian drinking game.
No pussy men allowed.
Whoa, okay, USA all the way, all right? I bet 20 bucks my Gramps here could drink y'all Dolph Lundgrenettes under the table.
- Let's go.
- All right.
Show 'em who's boss.
- Mm-hmm.
- Whoo! - Ahh.
- Yeah! - Lina.
- We need more vodka.
- Why? We got plenty of good alcohol right here.
Oh, no, that's hand sanitizer.
That's not Ah.
Want some? He beat me.
Straight up.
Pay him.
Pay this man his money.
Whoo! Anybody got any hard drugs? USA.
Uh-oh.
Grandpa.
He's just taking a nap.
Grandpa Whoo! Anybody got any hard drugs? Grandpa, I know you think I pussed out earlier, but I'm gonna prove to you once and for all I'm a real Demamp, starting now.
- Jillian, you ready? - Yep.
- Okay.
- On action, okay? Ready? Yep.
Grandpa, you watching? - And action.
- Yo.
What it is? Adam Demamp here, here with Demamp Camp: Working Out With Tires.
As you saw earlier, I de-located both of my arms doing my classic dead tire flip lift.
But I plan on doing the impossible to prove to my grandfather that I'm not a pussy.
That's him right there, although that has nothing to do with the video.
But I shall do it right now, starting right now.
Okay.
Are you getting this? Grandpa, are you watching? Oh! - Oh, my back! - Adam I ripped my back muscle in half! Hey, I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Is it okay if I borrow your dance partner, just for a second? Get over here.
I don't know what your endgame is, but that old horny lady over there thinks you're a guy, so unless you want her to find out otherwise, you better answer some questions for my new documentary, MTV True Life: I'm a Russian lesbian hockey player living in America, maybe legally.
How about I just beat your ass? I don't fight girls.
Oh! No, please! - Oh, yes! I love it when they fight over me.
Fight, fight! You're dancing with a woman.
- Oh, and one And two And three! That's it.
We got a new winner.
We've got a winner! She knocked you out like a bitch! Russian whip-its.
Oh, dear.
It will blow the hair right off your babushka.
We want to keep the hair on his babushka today, thank you.
- Okay - Ha, ha, ha! Hockey team hey, no! See what you - Great.
All right.
Do you need to go to the restroom, or what? - Yeah, I - He can't breathe.
He can't breathe.
He can't breathe! - CPR! Anybody? - Blake - I got you, Grandpa.
Uh, just, uh, split the mustache, and - no, no, no! - And kind of just no! Mouth to neck.
- Huh? - Mouth, neck.
You got to help me, Grandson.
Oh, no, no.
Maybe this is just your time to go, my old man.
I can't breathe.
You got to help your old Grandpa.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, fine, fine.
Uh Uh Eh Uh Ugh - Oh! Oh! I'm good.
I got your I got your throat spluge on my mouth! Oh, my God! That was a rush.
Do you wanna keep it going? Just give me the health insurance, please! Just give me the health insurance! Please! I don't know what else to do.
Oh, Jesus! Oh, fuck, now I burned my hand.
Just made it in time.
George! Hey! It's time to go home.
Oh, I don't think so, mark.
You took my pig away from me.
And I'm not talking about this piece right here.
So sayonara.
- Yeah no.
No.
Your Grandpa's a total dick.
Grandpa! Come on.
All right, all right, all right.
- Keep them in the truck.
- Saved your life, man.
I saw George heading west.
He's not gonna get far on those artificial hips.
Tranq gun.
No.
He's my Grandpa.
I got this.
Oh! Oh, that hurt.
Yeah.
Okay.
- West is the other way.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Ugh.
You hiding from me? I'm a way better hiderer than you'll ever be.
Oh, I found you.
I you agh! Ow! Jeez.
Get back here! Ow.
I'm gonna shoot you so hard! Come on.
Jeez, it's like Double Dare in here.
Jesus, how many plants does this ugh.
What's happening? You have a beautiful home.
I love it.
Ow.
Is this marble? It's beautiful.
Hey! You get back here! Get back here! You get back here right now! Get down! Get down! Whoo! Whoooo! Oh! - Agh.
- Man down.
Sorry about that.
Family stuff.
You guys have grandpas, right? Grandpa? Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
- There was no other way.
No, no, it's okay.
I'm proud of you because You proved yourself to be a real man.
Unlike me.
- What? - I'm not a war hero.
I got a dishonorable discharge because I shot myself in the leg to avoid combat.
And the only reason I was so hard on you was because I didn't want you to end up like me.
I'm a loser.
You're not a loser.
You are a Demamp.
It's not in our T.
N.
A.
I'm gonna put you back on the health insurance.
You know why? Why? Because you learned how to take a punch.
Ow! Fuck! Welcome to Demamp Camp: Fully insured.
On this new edition, I will be showing you a brand-new exercise that I just created using my own brain and intelligence.
It's called "the roof-fly-delt-pump".
Basically, you get a running start, pump your delts so hard that you come to a nice, soft landing, because you've just flown for a few seconds.
Let's do this! - Come on, here we go.
Yeah! Ohhh! Oh! Adam! Blake, we get it? Dude, you don't have to keep asking me if we got oh.
Actually, I ran out of batteries.
Ders, did you get it? Yeah, did you get the behind-the-scenes? Yeah, I got it.
MTV True Life: I'm trying to get on Tosh.
0.