1000 Ways to Die s03e18 Episode Script

Male announcer: Okay, freaks Here's why you're not sitting down watching the new Oprah channel.
Do they have a 'lude-popping hairdresser? - Ohh.
- Oh, my God.
Announcer: Or a couple post-Katrina ransackers? [Electricity sizzling.]
- Ohh! Announcer: How 'bout a psychic surgeon? A loan shark who took his Cut.
- It's over.
Announcer: A jealous mistress who melted down.
- Aah! Announcer: And an annoying moviegoer who took the wrong call? - Hello? Announcer: You wanna feel good about yourself? - It's as amazing as ever.
Announcer: Just sit back and watch 'em give up the ghost - Aah! Announcer: On the next episode of 1000 ways to die.
Death is everywhere.
Most of us try to avoid it.
Others can't get out of its way.
Every day, we fight a new war against germs, toxins, injury, illness, and catastrophe.
There's a lot of ways to wind up dead.
The fact that we survive at all is a miracle.
Because every day we live, we face It's 1972, and life is good for Barry.
He was a swingin' hairstylist with a loyal clientele.
- It's as amazing as ever! Announcer: The reason he had so many return customers - Oh, you have magic hands, Barry.
Announcer: Was the happy endings Barry provided to every appointment.
Announcer: All day long, Barry would do their dos - You know what? Head into the back.
Announcer: Then do his clients.
- Ohh.
- I should have been a doctor.
- Ohh! Yes.
Announcer: Barry's idea of foreplay? Vodka and quaaludes, a muscle relaxant that was legal until the early '80s.
- 'Ludes were called leg spreaders, because girls who used to sit like this And then girls who used to sit like this You give 'em a 'lude, and they sat like that.
And not only did it enhance a man's, you know, sexuality, but the key thing was it extended a woman's orgasm as well.
I mean, it was a win-win situation for everybody.
- All right.
Yeah.
- Oh - H-h-hold on.
- Oh, my God! Announcer: At the end of the day, Barry tried to get "lude" one more time.
- I say we have a little consultation.
- You know what? - Come on, baby.
- I think I'm gonna go home.
Announcer: But he was over-luded.
- I think you need to take a little nap.
- [Chuckles.]
[Slurring.]
I'll see you later.
[Laughing.]
- One thing that you do not want to do with 'ludes is to drink alcohol in excess.
'Cause if you do, there's a very, very good chance you may never wake up.
[Thud.]
Announcer: The next day - Barry? Announcer: Client number three came back to give him another shot, but Barry was too burnt out.
- Aah! Announcer: Literally.
He didn't o.
D.
He just passed out with his neck nuzzled right up to his burning hot curling iron.
- Barry! - Our hairdresser, who was loaded up on quaaludes, a drug that affects your central nervous system, was in a state of anesthesia.
He passed out, fell on a hot curling iron, fried his neck to the point where there was so much destruction of the tissue that air could not get into his lungs and he suffocated.
He died.
- Barry! Announcer: Barry would curl his ladies' hair, and then their toes.
- Ohh! Announcer: But in the end, his booze and 'ludes love potion left him too hot under the collar.
- Aah! [Wind whipping.]
Announcer: On a scale of one to ten, hurricane Katrina was a 12.
As thousands of relief workers poured in to aid the region, they had no idea that the storm had also stirred up a lot of bad juju.
- New Orleans is very occult The attraction of vampires, voodoo, and the undead.
After hurricane Katrina hit, a lot of the negative energies that came with all of the displaced corpses really did stir up some kind of psychic phenomena about the occult regarding new Orleans.
Announcer: Eileen and Nicole were here to help Themselves.
- I don't think we can get in there.
Announcer: Pretending to be relief workers, these bad girls were having a field day stealing anything of value from the crippled city.
But robbing a church? That's not going to sit well with the big guy.
The church turned out to be a gold mine.
- Let's see what else they got.
Announcer: They decided to push their luck and explore the basement.
- Oh, basement.
- Girl, I don't know.
- Come on, what's the big deal? Announcer: But a church in the French quarter has secrets better left undisturbed.
Bad girls and filthy lucre are a match made in Hell.
[Both screaming.]
A broken power line electrified the water and had these big easy bitches shaking hands with the devil himself.
- A circuit breaker underwater is gonna charge the water with 440 volts, way above what would kill a human being.
When she steps into the water, the electricity runs through her legs into her heart, killing her.
The other girl who is touching her, she's also a conductor.
It goes through her, through her heart, killing her as well.
Announcer: Eileen and Nicole were trying to capitalize on the misfortunate of others.
- Let's see what else they got.
Announcer: But as the saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished.
- [Shouting.]
Announcer: As for the bad deeds, that punishment is death.
Coming up, a robbery blows up in two dumb crooks' faces.
And - What, are you crazy? Announcer: Here's why they call it a scissor lift.
Announcer: In today's digital age, banks can send trillions of dollars around the world in just a nanosecond.
But in the early 20th century, the data stream consisted of an ingenious system of pipes and fans, sending hard cash from one building to the next.
The driving force behind a pneumatic tube system is pneumatics.
When you have a fan attached at one end of the tube, it generates a positive pressure which pushes the transport canister away from the fan.
The transport canister has cuffs that create an airtight seal with the pipe.
Announcer: Henry and Orson were a couple of tunnel rats looking to make a quick buck.
They cased the bank, and knew it sent the afternoon deposits across town at precisely 5:00 P.
M.
- Here we go.
- Orson cut through the pipe Jammed a piece of wood into the hole And waited.
- Here you go.
Almost 5:00, right? [Thud.]
[Both laughing.]
Announcer: The bank didn't disappoint.
Soon, they were intercepting deposits from all over the city.
[Thunk.]
But as more canisters came flying through the tubes Pressure began to build up in the pipe.
- Why don't you get another one there? - Oh, it's stuck.
It won't come out.
Announcer: Henry and Orson weren't about to leave anything on the table.
- Push, Orson, push.
[Both grunting.]
Announcer: They strained to get to the rest of the loot.
- It's moving, I can feel it Announcer: But in the end, their pipe dream turned into a nightmare.
- When you cut the pipe in a pneumatic tube system, you normally release pressure and render the system useless.
However, in this case, when the thieves blocked the tube, the transport canisters got stuck, and pressure started building up behind it, resulting in the catastrophic failure of the tube itself.
- Four! Announcer: Henry and Orson thought they had an airtight plan for the perfect crime.
[Both laughing.]
But then they got greedy.
- Push, Orson, push.
Announcer: And instead of getting rich - Jeez! Announcer: They ended up paying the Piper.
On this remote island in the Philippines, if you were sick, you went to see honesto.
He used to be a pickpocket, until he met someone in jail who taught him a much more lucrative scam.
- Uhh.
Announcer: Honesto was what is known as a psychic surgeon.
He would welcome sickly peasants into his hut and pull diseased organs directly out of their bodies without making any kind of incision.
What he was really pulling out were hidden, bloody animal parts.
But the superstitious locals were gullible and paid in cash.
- A psychic surgeon uses sleight-of-hand to appear to reach inside of a sick person's body to remove pathogenic tissue or organs, and then he says, "ta-da, the patient's healed.
" Announcer: Honesto started circling the death drain soon after treating a local leper.
If he had actually gone to medical school, he would have proceeded with extreme caution.
He would have known that the only way to contract leprosy was through contact with open sores and infected nasal mucus.
- Historically, it was believed that leprosy was contracted through sexual contact.
We now know that that is not the case.
It's actually quite hard to get.
Typically, it is caught through nasal droplets or open sores in the skin.
Once the leprosy bacteria enters the bloodstream, it starts multiplying very fast.
Announcer: A month after the bacteria worked its way into his system, honesto developed the telltale rotting skin lesions of leprosy.
His assistant took one look and never looked back.
- You don't die from leprosy itself.
You die from the side effects that leprosy causes.
In this individual, the blood had become so thick, this individual was prone to start forming blood clots.
Announcer: A few months later, the phony physician was done for.
Clutching his now meaningless cash, a blood clot swam through his veins, landed in his lung, and stopped his black heart.
What's up, doc? Are you hard up for cash? Do you need a loan? Go to a bank.
Just don't borrow from these guys.
- Hey, Charles! Huh? You're a tough man to find! - Hey! - Huh? You don't return my phone calls.
- Hey, I've been busy.
I'm working.
You know what I'm saying? Announcer: Tony and Nick were loan sharks who preyed on those addicted to gambling.
Like Charles.
- Hey.
Announcer: He was willing to risk everything.
- We have to have a little talk about the ten grand you owe me.
- Illegal sports gambling and loan sharking are pretty much the same thing.
We're giving you a little bit of money to play with, but we want our money back, and we're gonna We want it with interest.
The point spreads are, you know, one point, two points, three points.
It varies so much.
So it's not really a set, fixed rate.
If they don't pay you back, you can go through your own means to get your money without the courts.
- Come on down, Charles! Announcer: Charles wasn't going anywhere.
He was safe right where he was.
- Oh, come on, man.
Just give me one week.
You know I'm good for it.
- What'd he say? One week? What, are you crazy? What do I look like, a charity? Announcer: But Tony and Nick didn't feel like waiting a week.
They wanted their money now.
One way or another.
And since Charles wasn't coming down, Tony was going to get him down.
- Heh, hey! No, no, no! What are you doing, man? Announcer: He went to cut the hydraulic line.
- Come on! Hey! [Spraying.]
- Aah! Aah! [Splat.]
Announcer: And within seconds, Tony's career as a loan shark was cut short.
Hey, he was a loan shark, not a scissor lift operator.
- When our guy cuts the hydraulic line, the entire weight of this lift, which is tons of metal and steel, comes crashing down and scissors his neck, crushing his windpipe, cutting through the muscle, crushing the bone, cutting off the carotid arteries that go to his brain.
And then severing right through his spinal cord.
He dies from lack of blood, no enervation from his brain to his body Instantaneous death.
Announcer: Tony was a tough guy who loaned out money.
- You don't return my phone calls! Fine! Announcer: But when it came time to collect, Tony would get so worked up - What are you doing, man? [Spraying.]
Announcer: He finally just Lost his head.
Up next, a sexperiment goes bad.
- Aah! Aah! Announcer: And - Hello? Announcer: Cell phones and movie theaters Don't mix.
[Ping.]
Announcer: Dr.
stelgis was a brilliant virologist who practically lived in his lab.
- Five day, 3, 9.
Announcer: He and his assistant Deirdre had been working on a new vaccine for months.
- Head and neck, clear.
Announcer: Recently, they performed a new kind of experiment.
- Nice watch.
- Would you stop? - What? You know you want it.
I can see it.
[Heavy breathing.]
- Good bilateral movement.
Grade three systolic.
Announcer: Deirdre was eager to continue their research.
- So I was thinking maybe we could get together again this weekend.
Announcer: Dr.
stelgis, however, had a different opinion about theirBreakthrough.
- It's over, okay? We work together.
- It's not over.
[Car horn honking.]
Announcer: Stelgis ended it And headed back to his life and his wife.
- The bitch! I'm gonna destroy you! Announcer: But hell hath no fury like a lab assistant scorned.
- [Shouting indistinctly.]
You stupidDirty Aah! Ohh! Aah! Aah! Aah! Announcer: Deirdre grabbed sodium azide, an extremely volatile, inorganic compound.
- In the presence of water, it converts to hydrogen azide.
This hydrogen azide is its most potent toxic form, in which it can violently react.
Um, in the presence of metals, it actually can detonate.
And it's used, actually, as detonators for bombs.
Announcer: The metal sink was filled with water and chemicals.
When the breaker exploded, Deirdre became immersed in a cloud of deadly toxic gas.
- Aah! Announcer: It seared the skin right off her face - [Screaming and gasping.]
Announcer: And then shredded her lungs.
- [Wheezing.]
[Thud.]
- In this circumstance, with the exposure to and inhalation of sodium azide, burning of the airways occurred, resulting in swelling of the airways and fluid accumulating in the lungs.
Death was likely due to respiratory failure.
Announcer: Deirdre couldn't keep her lab coat on.
- Destroy you! Announcer: She couldn't keep her jealousy in check.
[Glass shatters.]
- Ohh! Aah! Announcer: And then the whole thing blew up Right in her face.
Janice was easy to hate.
- Hello? Announcer: She talked non-stop on her cell phone, no matter where she was.
- Hold on, my phone's ringing.
Hello? Announcer: She couldn't care less who she annoyed.
- Right, fine, I'm going in the movie theater now.
[Bags rattling.]
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, think of me all by myself.
Yeah.
Announcer: But yapping on her phone in a movie theater made her a candidate not for hate - Shh! - Oh, my God, it's just a preview.
Announcer: But for murder.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- People take their movies very seriously.
Nowadays, going to the movies is expensive.
And if that gets ruined, people get very angry about it.
Fights definitely do break out in the movie theater.
Most of the time, it's somebody disturbing another person's movie experience.
Uh, cell phones are usually always at the heart of it.
- Hello? Announcer: Finally, one of the audience members had enough.
- [Whispering.]
Shh! Quiet! We're trying to watch a movie.
- Can't watch the movie if you're shouting at me, can you? Announcer: Even if he had pulled a gun, Janice would have kept on talking.
Nothing was going to stop her except - You know what? I need another arm.
- Shh.
- Shh! Shh! Yourself.
That's so annoying.
Yeah, it's cool.
We should definitely hang out.
Yeah.
Tuesday.
No! [Laughs.]
[Ping.]
Announcer: Her own phone.
A lithium battery has two sides, an anode, or positive, and the cathode, or negative side.
They're separated by a thin, polymer sheet.
Janice's battery was defective and had metal shards floating in the electrolyte liquid, which created a short-circuit.
This resulted in a thermal runaway situation which eventually caused an explosion.
[Ping.]
Shards of plastic and metal traveled up her ear canal, broke through the inner ear, and embedded in her brain.
The brain hemorrhaged and she immediately lost consciousness.
Minutes later, she was just like her phone.
Dead.