American Housewife (2016) s03e18 Episode Script

This is Katie Otto.
I am confirming that the gender reveal cake will be ready for pick-up this afternoon.
Thank you.
Gender reveal cake? When you cut into it, the filling is either pink or blue to announce if the baby is a boy or a girl.
Aww, that's adorable! It's obnoxious.
Have some class, and find out the old-fashioned way look at its junk when it comes out of your body.
Anna-Kat, stop! Give me back my phone, you little Taylor, don't you dare! I'm the only one in this house who is allowed to swear.
- See? - She was in my room, and she stole my phone again! She was on my Instagram, liking my posts! Now, people think I'm liking my own posts! Do you know how embarrassing that is?! Do you realize you only have two voices normal and "My parachute's not opening!" Stop taking Taylor's phone.
Maybe she would stop if she had her own phone.
She's not getting a phone.
No one in this house gets a phone until they are 14.
But every year, on your birthday, you say that age is just a number that means absolutely nothing.
Greg No phone for you.
Thanks, honey.
She had me boxed in.
What kind of watch are you looking for? A knock-around one I can wear with sneakers mid-five-figures, tops.
My friend at Numble told me they're about to patent a new optical fiber technology.
The news doesn't break until next week, so if you put down a little now, it'll be worth a fortune on Monday.
Hey, I just overheard those guys talking about a stock tip.
If I invest what I've saved from working at Tuscadero's Pizza, I could make some serious money.
Amigo, you can't trust random guys to have legitimate information about the market.
Hold up.
Prada suits, Gucci Oxfords, and their hair pomades have hold but a matte finish.
They check out.
The problem is, I'm not 18, which means I can't open a brokerage account on my own.
I'll need my parents' help.
I remember when I got my first brokerage account.
I called it my "bwo-bwo.
" I know.
I was adorable.
No.
No, you weren't.
I just want them to stop fighting.
Anna-Kat keeps taking Taylor's phone, which is driving her crazy, which is driving me crazy.
So, get her her own phone.
I got them for all my kids so they'd leave me alone.
My baby calls Siri "Mama".
Okay, that's bananas.
Phones are an epidemic with kids today.
They destroy their social skills and distort their self-worth.
I'm with Angela.
And research shows that they also stunt - brain development.
- 100%.
That's why I sometimes communicate with my kids silently through meditation.
You always do that.
You get me in the car with you, we are heading to the same destination, and then, you just veer right off a cliff.
If you don't want Anna-Kat obsessing over a phone, then maybe get off yours.
Lead by example.
You know I don't do that.
Oh, don't worry.
Mama's coming.
Bananas.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, Oliver.
I was wondering if you'd help me open a brokerage account.
- I don't see why not.
- Great.
I want to put all my money into a company called Numble.
Well, have you done your research? I overheard this Wall Street guy talking about it.
He had inside information.
It's a sure thing.
Oliver, inside information is the same thing as insider trading, and that's illegal.
Illegal or frowned upon? Illegal! And there's no way I will allow you to do that.
What did you just say? Nothing.
No, if you have something to say, you say it to my face.
Just because you're okay living like the "before" picture in "Extreme Makeover Home Edition" doesn't mean you should expect me to.
I'm not asking you to not have ambition, but I expect you to be honest.
Fine.
You've never taken one chance.
You've always played it safe, and look where it's got you.
I take risks every day.
Brown belt, black shoes that takes guts.
Why am I talking to you? You're color-blind.
I'm finally fed up with him.
Even if our theory is true that we brought the wrong kid home from the hospital, we still had 15 years to fix him.
It's starting to look like this is on us.
I'm super-busy right now.
Can this just be on you? You said you had an easy day and only had to pick up a cake.
I forgot I told you that.
I yell at him That doesn't work.
I try to lead by example He thinks I'm a cautionary tale.
Leading by example is a huge pain in the ass.
Before you know it, you are serving fruit for dessert like a damn animal.
I just don't know how I'm gonna get through to him.
Well, maybe you have to try something different.
Whatever you normally would do, do the opposite.
Huh.
Mom, I need you! Any chance she's calling me up there for a hug? Or to show you her finished homework? Or to offer insightful commentary about a book she just read? Mom! Hey.
You know your scenario where you run away to Mexico? I'm going with you.
Okay.
But I'm going to need my sexual freedom down there.
Fine.
But then my fanny pack and ponytail are back on the table.
Mom! What is it! Anna-Kat's been going through my things, and she stole my phone again! - I want it back.
- Relax.
There is an easy way to find it.
Huh.
I found Taylor's phone.
And I changed your wallpaper.
Look, it's me waving.
Hi.
Mom, you need to get her her own phone! For the 100th time, that is not happening.
Then I have a better idea.
Buy me a phone, and Anna-Kat can have my old one.
Everyone wins.
When I was your age, there were no cellphones, and I was better for it.
I went out into the world, talked to people, got strangers to buy me beer outside 7-Eleven.
It was an all-American childhood.
Look at you now.
You use your phone as much as anyone.
But I don't need to.
You couldn't survive a single day without it.
Is that what you think? It's what I know.
Crap, I guess I have to lead by example.
I should've just bred dogs.
Okay.
How about this If I can go until tonight without using my phone, then there will be no more talk of Anna-Kat getting a phone until I decide it's time.
And if you use your phone, you have to buy me a new one, and Anna-Kat gets my old one.
You got it.
But I'm going phone-free, then you are, too.
You can't do that to me! How will I know what's happening in the world?! By opening your eyes and participating in it.
Disgusting.
And to make sure that you don't cheat, you are coming with me to pick up the cake for the baby shower.
This is so not fair! You know what's not fair? What you kids did to this body! I'm 9, Mom.
You can't blame me for that anymore.
At some point, you have to start taking some responsibility.
Never.
See, you made it here without using GPS.
Am I the only one who noticed we drove past our own house twice? Okay.
I'm gonna go pick up the cake, and then walk it to the restaurant where the baby shower is.
You two just hang out on Main Street.
I'll meet you back here in an hour.
How are we supposed to contact you if we need you? For thousands of years, when kids were away from their parents, they met at an agreed-upon time.
But how will I know what time it is? - A clock? - Disgusting.
I should've known my dad wouldn't help me.
I wish I could offer some advice, but I have no experience in not getting what I want.
My dad's holding my financial future hostage.
He doesn't understand me.
I wish I could talk to someone who does.
Wait.
Maybe I can.
What's that? Spencer's lawyer gave me these after he died.
Spencer, the rich old guy who lived across the street with the great tan and the amazing laugh? Ha-ha-ha! Spencer was the best.
He made these tapes to give me advice for every conceivable life situation.
There must be something on these tapes that will help me.
So, Ollie boy, here's how you hide your money when the Feds are onto you.
Interesting.
So, Ollie boy, here's what you do when you sweat so much while you're dancing you can't take off your leather pants.
Ha-ha-ha.
Ollie boy, this might not apply to you, but here's how you win back Daryl Hannah.
So, Ollie boy, you're wondering how much to tip your human sushi tray.
Ollie boy, this is how you make your first million.
This is the one I was looking for.
If you're watching this, my gut tells me you're sitting on something good.
And if that's true, do whatever you have to do to get the job done.
Be ruthless.
Feel free to call my lawyer, Linda Ramirez.
Now, she knows how to get things done.
And if you're over 21, she's fun to have a drink with.
Ha-ha.
I knew Spencer would have the perfect advice.
Would you mind if we circled back to that Daryl Hannah tape? What? You're not curious? Hi.
I'm here to pick up a cake.
Okay.
I'll just need your confirmation number.
Oh, sure.
It's in my phone, which I don't have on me.
That's all right.
I can look it up in the system.
- What's your name? - Katie Otto.
Here it is.
Now, if I could just see some ID.
Left my wallet in the car.
Can you just take my word for it? I'm kind of in a hurry.
I'm afraid not.
It's against company policy.
It's called Bernice's Cakes.
You're Bernice.
It's your policy.
I can't break my own policy.
How would that look to my employees? You're the only one here! I used to bring my dog to work, but the guy from the health department got all in a tizzy! I'm gonna go get my ID.
Anything else you need, Bernice? Fingerprints, blood samples? You want me to pee in a cup? Restrooms are for employees only.
Company policy.
I really don't like you, Bernice.
I got mint chip.
Want to try it before I'm done? Is this thing on? This is the worst.
I can't take a photo of my ice cream and post it.
I mean, what's the point of just eating it? Okay.
Spencer's lawyer said my best option is to emancipate.
What exactly does that mean? They give up their parental rights, and then, I'm legally an adult.
Then, I can spend money on whatever stock I want.
And once you're legal, you can take us to Enterprise and rent us a Corolla.
You have, like, 15 Maseratis.
Why would you want to rent a car? Sometimes, it's just fun to live like a normie.
That's what I call you guys.
Yeah, I got that.
Thank you.
It says here, in order to emancipate, your parents have to sign off on it.
Or you could take them to court, and let a judge decide.
Okay.
Like Spencer said, I have to do whatever I have to do.
Be ruthless.
You want to know how I made my first million? I can't imagine I want to hear this.
I beat my dad in mini-golf when I was 6.
Damn it.
Taylor's got the keys.
And I don't have my phone! You know what? I'll just find them.
Excuse me, did you happen to see my daughters walk by? A blonde about this tall and a brunette about this tall? - Do you have a picture? - I have like 1,000, but they're on my phone, and I don't have it.
Oh.
Why not? Because I'm trying to set a good example for my kids by not relying on phones.
You know what, that's a good point.
I've been spending too much time on my phone.
And if it's not my phone, it's my TV or my iPad, and then, there's the computer.
Oh, and do you know about these watches? I don't have time for this.
Hey, you started talking to me, lady! Try one on! Nah, I'm good.
Here.
Perfect.
You look like Sadness from "Inside Out.
" We should do matching fake eyelashes! God, I hope Mom's cheating and using her phone so I can get a new one.
Can you stop worrying about your phone for 10 minutes? You should hope she's cheating, too, - so you get one, as well.
- I don't want one.
Then why do you keep stealing mine? I wasn't stealing it because I wanted a phone! You are so stupid! The only reason I'm stupid today is because I don't have a phone to be smart for me! Hey.
Have you come to apologize? No.
But after consideration and some counsel, I made a decision.
If you don't buy that stock for me, I'm gonna be forced to take you and Mom to court to get myself emancipated.
Emanci Do the opposite.
Emancipated.
I see.
I'm afraid you've left me no choice.
Okey dokey.
- That's it? - Yes Siree Bob.
I guess I'll see you in court, then.
Not if I see you first.
Here's the cake.
Let me box it for you.
So, unfortunately, my wallet is locked in the car, and my daughter has the keys.
- Can't you call her? - No.
I can't.
I don't have a phone.
Oh, right, right.
Ooh, maybe you could shoot her an e-mail.
Again, I can't, Bernice, because I don't have I see what you're doing.
Welcome to Bernice's Cakes.
This is my house! Bernice, could you just give me a break, here? If I don't get this cake to a baby shower in 10 minutes, I could lose my job.
If I give this cake away without proper ID, I could lose my job! You own the place! - You'd be firing yourself! - It's company policy! Excuse me.
Bernice's Cakes.
Bernice speaking.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, stop! It's a girl! Mm-hmm.
What's going on? You never want to hang out.
You're so busy on your phone, giving likes to everyone but me.
- I like you.
- You don't act like it.
That's why I steal your phone.
It's the only way you'll give me any attention.
I'm 17.
You're 9.
So, I'm Eight eight years older than you.
We're just at different stages of our lives right now.
But we're sisters.
Eight years is nothing when you think we'll be together our whole lives.
We're going to go on cruises together with Mom after Dad dies.
I never meant to make you feel like I didn't like you.
And I promise, I'll look up from my phone more often, and spend more time with you.
There you two are! What happened to you? I need to take a picture of this.
Damn it! Mom, give me your phone.
Damn it! So, Ollie boy, you're getting married.
Let's talk prenup.
I remember when I got married for the second time.
Gabby.
We met at a nightclub.
I owned the club, but she owned my heart and half my stuff after the divorce.
Wait, Gabby was my third wife.
Who the hell was my second wife? My dad seems fine with me being emancipated.
If you were here, you'd tell me how to play this, and then laugh for no reason.
You sure you want to go through with this whole emancipation thing? I guess.
You never let anyone stand in the way of getting what you wanted in life.
That's true.
But then again, maybe I'm not the best example.
You'll notice these tapes are all about how to get yourself out of bad situations.
This one is you telling me how you kept your wife and mistress from finding out about your girlfriend.
Maybe Maybe it's best if you don't get yourself into these situations to begin with.
You know, I think that's, uh what your father's trying to tell you.
But this could be my big break.
You'll have plenty of big breaks, but you only have one father.
You should be in no hurry to get rid of him.
Remember what I used to tell you? You're a good person.
And the first step in being a good person is knowing when you're wrong.
And the next step is rewarding yourself for doing right with a nice, crisp, nudie mag.
I wish you were here.
You and me both, kiddo.
You and me both.
I'm here! I'm here.
I had a little trouble with my order at Bernice's Cakes.
They should call it "Bernice's Attitude," because that's all she offers.
She did this to me.
Then, I had to drive to the other bakery on the Post Road.
We would've called ahead, but she was trying to teach us a lesson.
- Totally backfired.
- But I'm here! Just in time.
Mrs.
Otto, did nobody call you? The baby shower was canceled.
The mother woke up with a bad cold.
Gosh, if only you'd had your phone, you wouldn't be wearing a cake that nobody wanted.
Do you have a back office or something, where someone can discretely beat their child? Of course.
Right this way.
Oliver.
I'm sorry for how I spoke to you earlier, and for threatening to emancipate.
The truth is, I realized I'm lucky to have a rule-following father looking out for me.
That's nice of you to say.
Even if it makes it harder for me to crawl out of the belly of the lower class.
- Getting less nice.
- I want you to know that I'm still gonna be super rich one day.
I'm just gonna do it in a way that makes you proud.
I'm happy to hear that.
Oh.
I also found a Spencer tape titled "What To Do With Your Pet Tiger Once It's Grown Up".
I think it'd be useful for you with Mom.
A lot of it applies.
Five-card draw.
Play is to you.
Go fish! Those eight years between us really don't make that much of a difference.
That's it! It totally sucked, but I made it through the rest of the day without using my phone.
Now, Anna-Kat can never ask again about getting a phone until I decide it's time.
- Fine by me.
- And, Taylor, you're not getting a new phone.
Fine by me.
I see what's going on.
You're trying to confuse me, but it's not gonna work.
I'm on to you.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay.
Ooh, you guys are good.
Could you please leave? We're having sister time.
Isn't that what you wanted? Yeah, but it's weird.
If you're not upset and screaming at me, it doesn't feel like I've won.
I led by example, and somehow it worked.
Nobody wants a phone anymore, and the girls are spending time together.
- Oh.
Good for you.
- Is it? If I have to lead by example all the time, it's gonna be a nightmare.
No more complimentary bags of Doritos at the supermarket.
Well, I stopped leading by example and got a positive result.
I washed my hands of Oliver, and he came crawling back.
Now, he says he wants to be a better person.
So, what are we saying? I guess there's no one way to parent.
And And you can do whatever you want at the supermarket.
Oh, thank God.
Can I still help myself to teeth whitening strips - while I'm shopping? - You do that? No.
Never.