Batman (1966) s03e18 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
Ambergris Bay outside Gotham City, where the elite flee the heat.
It's a lovely beach house, Bruce.
I really haven't used it very much.
Now that my youthful ward, Dick Grayson, is growing up he needs a place to entertain his friends.
-it's just perfect for that.
And I must say I'm honored that you asked me to help chaperone his party.
Here come the beachcombers.
Better get the hot dogs ready.
Bruce, I think we were followed from the beach, but I don't know why.
All we did was pick up some old bottles, some driftwood and a bunch of stuff that looks like soaked graham bread.
Soaked graham bread? Do you know what this is, Dick? It's ambergris.
You mean that stuff given forth by whales from which they make perfume? Mm-hm.
Ambergris has a strange fixative quality which allows perfumes to retain their scent.
A lump this size should be worth a fortune on the perfume market.
Gosh.
Let's go back - to see if we can get some more.
- Not so fast, junior.
Hand over that whale grease.
Aren't you gentlemen being a little presumptuous? This is private property.
We'll take off, Mac, when we get what we came after.
Hand it over.
Bring the kid and Mr.
Wayne along too.
You, Mac, and junior, come along with us.
- You can't just barge in-- -This says we can, lady.
Come on, get moving.
I'll introduce myself later, Mr.
Wayne.
I'm sorry, sir, but Batman is out of the city for a day or so.
No, sir.
Master Robin's with him.
Heh, no, I'm afraid I wouldn't know how to reach them, sir.
What? Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson kidnapped at gunpoint? L-- I-- But-- I'm sorry if I appear a trifle upset, sir but any citizen of Gotham City would be shocked at such appalling news.
Oh, this ambergris will help me greatly to convert your priceless lilacs to priceless oil of lilacs, Louie.
That's good, honey.
Good.
But making perfume, even for such an expert as I requires other fixative agents to set the staying powers in the scent.
Well, name them, Lotus.
Name them.
Nothing is going to stop me from cornering the lilac perfume market of Gotham City.
And the lilac soap market, Louie.
The soap market too.
And the lilac cosmetics market.
Cosmetics too.
What do you need, baby? Well, I need scent pouches of a number of Abyssinian civet cats.
All right, sure, sure.
The glands of as many muskrats as possible.
Muskrats, sure, sure.
And a large supply of beaver castor follicles.
Sure, sure.
And the Tonquin from a herd of musk deer.
You heard that, boys.
Glands we know about, Louie.
But what is follicles and Tonquins? What are you, dumb or something? Don't you understand what she's saying? She's talking about, uh, scent pouches, that's what she's talking about.
You guys go and round up the animals, you understand? And when you catch them, put them in the basement.
Now, get going.
Get going.
Move.
Mr.
Wayne, you're gonna remove those pouches.
I hear you're an international sportsman and an authority on animals.
How are you doing? Not too well.
I'm trying to reach Alfred on my two-way transistor wristwatch.
I seem to be getting a slight beep from the receiver, but the sender's dead.
What are you two mumbling about? Just passing the time of day, Louie.
Let's hope the authorities pass over the million dollars I'm planning to ask for you shortly.
That's a high price for two average people.
We're all ready, commissioner.
What's this? Home movies? We can get no lead whatsoever on the whereabouts of the Caped Crusaders.
But we have been able, with some rapid research to put together some filmed coverage of their most outstanding exploits.
Maybe we can find out some new crime-fighting techniques from it.
- Yeah.
-Okay, Jim.
Now, first, is where that Western bad man, Shame, cornered them in a cattle stampede.
And next is when Robin, the Boy Wonder, was almost eaten alive by a giant clam.
And in this one, Mr.
Freeze is making them into Frosty Freezes.
And here they are chasing King Tut.
That's enough, Jim.
Not much help, anyway.
- Yes, Bonnie.
- The director of the Gotham City Zoo -is on your private line, commissioner.
- Thank you, Bonnie.
Yes, Mr.
Buck? Yes, Mr.
Buck.
All the Abyssinian civet cats, beavers muskrats and musk deer in the zoo are gone? Sorry, but we're as much in the dark as you are regarding this distressing development.
We have not been contacted by the kidnappers so I have no idea why they're holding Mr.
Wayne and Master Grayson and the police have not been able to reach Batman or Robin.
Mrs.
Cooper is upstairs in a state of shock and I appeal to you to respect what is left of our privacy.
Now, thank you, gentlemen.
Good day.
Thank you so much.
Yes.
Ms.
Gordon.
Your phones have been busy for hours, Alfred, so I decided to come out here.
If you'll excuse me.
No doubt another concerned inquiry.
Yes? Oh, Governor Stonefellow.
How very thoughtful of you to call, sir.
No.
No, we've had no word.
No-- Uh, I beg your pardon, sir? What? No.
No, of course.
Yes.
Well, uh, I'll tell Mrs.
Cooper, of course.
And, uh, thanks for your concern.
Ah-ah.
Careful.
It's a very dusty duster.
I thought I heard something bleeping under it.
Hmm? Oh, heh.
The, uh, friendly ghosts of stately Wayne Manor play occasional tricks on one's ears.
The friendly ghosts have certainly provided Mr.
Wayne with an impressive personal library.
And what a lovely head of Shakespeare.
No, don't touch that.
I'm sorry, Ms.
Gordon but it's a prized possession of my missing employer and, uh, in the distressing circumstances, l Of course, Alfred.
I understand.
And those distressing circumstances are what I came out here to talk to you about.
For reasons too numerous to mention I strongly suspect Louie, the Lilac has kidnapped Mr.
Wayne and his youthful ward.
Louie, the Lilac? Did you tell your father? No.
My father wouldn't take me seriously.
After all, he knows nothing of my other identity.
But if you hear anything or get any messages, please contact me.
It's going to be difficult without Batman or Robin but maybe Batgirl alone can do something.
I'll contact you, of course.
Thank you, Alfred.
I'll see myself to the door.
NARRATOR".
With Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson kidnapped and held hostage in the defunct fragrance factory while Louie, the Lilac and lovely Lotus plot to pillage and plunder the world of perfume give us a moment to untangle this trickily-tangled skein.
The defunct fragrance factory on Lavender Lane? Where did you get that tip, Alfred? An, uh, anonymous informant, miss.
I'll check it out at once, and thanks for calling me.
Well, Charlie, Batgirl rides again and alone.
Who are you? What are you doing here? Oh, I'm sorry, miss.
I'm the maintenance man, the new one.
I thought you were out, so I took my keys and came up the back way.
The people downstairs were complaining about the grinding noise up here.
Did you know that this wall revolves? I know the wall revolves.
Apparently, it was built to do just that for a previous tenant.
Uh, but, sir, you don't have to pry it open.
I usually use this door.
Where does it go? To a secret closet behind the wall.
I use it for extra storage space.
Would you like to see it? Well, sure, sure.
I'm a sucker for secret closets.
- Right this way.
-Yes, ma'am.
Not much, is it? Nothing for the neighbors to complain about.
- I don't know what they're talking about.
-Neither do I.
And as you say, you never use the revolving door anyway.
No, no, of course not.
Well, I'm very sorry I surprised you, lady.
I really am.
And I'll never do it again.
Yes.
Well, it's not very wise of you.
I keep several guns here.
And an innocent maintenance man makes a pretty good target sometimes.
Oh.
Don't you worry, lady.
I'll never use my passkey to come in the back way again.
Never.
And, uh, you can make book on that.
Bye, now.
Bye.
That was a close call, Charlie.
NARRATOR".
So once again, Barbara Gordon begins her tantalizing transformation.
And shortly emerges from her secret exit as Batgirl.
Even as the Batmobile arrives in Gotham City during a passing shower without a driver which Alfred is explaining to his abducted employer.
I trust you're receiving me, sir, wherever you are.
And wherever you are, I believe I've located you.
Help is on the way.
I'm advising Commissioner Gordon of your whereabouts and I took the liberty of sending in the Batmobile by remote Bat-control in case it can do its bit, sir.
Over and out.
Hear that? Most of it.
Too bad there's no way to get back to him.
Now what are you two mumbling about? What's that awful odor? It's all over the place.
Saffron and Sassafras must have arrived in the basement with the Abyssinian civet cats, the muskrats and the beavers and the musk deer.
We sure did.
And you intend to make perfume out of those smelly animals? Oh, no, Louie.
Out of their glands.
Oh, yes.
Which Mr.
Wayne is going to remove.
Untie our prisoners, gentlemen.
Don't bother, Lilac.
I have no intention of performing that operation.
It's illegal.
It's nothing short of criminal mutilation.
I'm sure hunger, thirst and exhaustion will help you change your mind about cooperating with me, Mr.
Wayne.
NARRATOR".
Is time running out for Louie, the Lilac as the driverless Batmobile arrives on Lavender Lane? Next, Batgirl.
And finally, the police.
News travels fast, Batgirl.
And apparently, Batman and Robin even faster.
Some seventh sense must have told them the dire dilemma facing Gotham City.
Right, begorra.
And brought them home.
If they're inside this defunct factory, perhaps we can help them.
Flanagan, the horn.
Louie, the Lilac, Police Commissioner Gordon speaking.
We have you surrounded.
Come out with your hostages with your hands raised.
And with that herd of animals you've hijacked.
What will we do now, Louie? Just this.
I have my own bullhorn right here in my lilac boutonniere.
Commissioner Gordon, it's lilac time for you, commissioner.
Do you hear me? Lilac time.
So vacate this area along with your men at once.
One move to interrupt what I have planned will result in the demise of millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson.
Batman and Robin can't be inside yet.
Perhaps they've gone around back to find a way in.
Sure, and it's possible.
The Dynamic Duo would never-- What--? What happened to Batgirl? Oh, well, apparently, she's gone to join them.
We'll stay right where we are and see what happens.
Flanagan, on the alert.
Louie, the police haven't left yet.
And the Batmobile's out there and that putt-putt of Batgirl's.
And Batgirl's in here.
No, Batgirl.
Get out.
Quick.
Grab her! Grab her! He's stunned her.
With some invisible spray from his lilac boutonniere.
Now I have three hostages.
And if anyone tries to invade this place, they will die instantly.
Lotus, what do you call the process for extracting the scent from blossoms? Maceration.
When the flowers are steeped in vats of hot oil.
Hot oil, of course.
Bar all entrances.
Lock the cellarvvay into the basement.
When the Dynamic Duo and those dandelions make their appearance they'll be greeted by a unique new fragrance: Cologne de Batgirl.
So the minutes tick by and Batgirl is placed in a macerating vat into which Lotus will shortly pump boiling oil.
Just a minute, Louie.
If you'll spare that brave young girl's life I'll remove the scent pouches from those animals.
Sounds like a fair deal.
I have your word? You'll let her live? Killing Batgirl was never part of my original plan, Mr.
Wayne.
What equipment would you need for your operation? I'll need two glasses of warm water.
Two glasses of warm water? Yes, warm water plays a major part in newly-perfected animal surgery.
Okay.
Untie them.
Give them two glasses of warm water and lock them in the basement.
Batgirl dies anyway.
I was hoping you'd say that, Louie.
Are you ready? No, not quite.
The oil won't flow freely until it's really boiling.
There's your two glasses of warm water, Mac.
And down there are your pungent patients.
Gosh, Bruce.
Those muskrats and musk deer are sure musky.
- Forget them.
There's not much time.
-But what are we gonna do with the water? Here, hold them.
What are those? The latest invention of Batman.
Instant unfolding Bat-costumes complete with utility belts.
Drop it in the water.
Watch.
They're opening up.
Like those paper Chinese flowers do when they're dropped in water.
Isn't the oil boiling yet? Just starting.
I can pump it into the vat in a moment.
Holy finishing touches.
But now what? That door's bolted on the other side.
That window, we use our Bat-hooks and our laser bar cutter.
Let's go.
What in the world could be happening in there? Maybe he's killed them all.
-Including Batman and Robin.
-He didn't kill Batman and Robin.
We were trying to break in a rear entrance, no luck.
We saw enough to believe Batgirl's in danger.
If you can loan us your shoulders, we'll break in the front way.
Yes, certainly.
Right, boys, give them a hand.
All right, here we go, boys.
Follow me.
Right over this way.
Here we go.
Get them, get them, get them! Tell me something, Batgirl.
How did you get out of that vat? With my Batgirl vat opener.
After Louie's knockout spray wore off.
We'd better get Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson.
They're in the basement.
We'll take care of that, Batgirl.
You've had a tough day.
You go outside and get Commissioner Gordon in here to pick up this lavender mob.
Right.
Let's hurry, Robin.
All right, men, round them all up here.
Take them over there.
There's one thing you may not know about lilacs, commissioner.
The rarest of them all, genus Louie, may be cut way back but always grows again and never dies.
Take him away, Jim.
Believe me, we're grateful that you're all still alive.
Where are Batman and Robin? Say, that's right.
That's odd.
Oh, they just kept going.
They said they had pressing business.
The Batmobile, it's gone.
That's right.
How did you do it? The sending device in my watch started working again.
I was able to tell Alfred to activate the Batmobile's remote controller.
The Dynamic Duo may be gone, but that basement is full of Abyssinian civet cats, muskrats, beaver and musk deer.
And gosh, do they smell terrible.
Well, another canny, colorful crook is in the clink.
That tuckered-out police commissioner is gonna breathe much easier on his West Cape cruise.
West Cape cruise? I think I've earned myself a little vacation, Bruce.
And the department's in good hands with Chief O'Hara at the helm.
- When do you leave, commissioner? -End of the week.
Why? Uh, it's just that You look as though I were committing some sort of criminal act by taking a vacation.
As I was saying, commissioner Gotham City is planning a civic luncheon in your honor next week.
My honor? It was supposed to be a surprise.
But now the cat's out of the bag.
Well, there goes the West Cape cruise.
I'm deeply touched.
And, uh, just between the four of us, I, uh-- I'll certainly try to act surprised at this, uh, surprise luncheon.
NARRATOR".
Commissioner Gordon won't have to act surprised at the affair in his honor.
He's going to get the surprise of his life from that dauntless champion of women's rights, Ms.
Nora Clavicle.
He certainly is.
Especially when he discovers he's ex-Police Commissioner Gordon.