Clarence US (2014) s03e18 Episode Script
Officer Moody
1 [Remote clicks.]
[Upbeat music plays.]
I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! [Militaristic music plays.]
[Humming.]
[Music.]
[Humming stops.]
[Music stops.]
[Humming resumes.]
[Music resumes.]
Good morning, Kimby.
Working hard or hardly working? [Chuckles, slurps.]
Clarence! [Slurping.]
Lips off the faucet, boy.
- Oh, sorry, Mr.
Reese.
- 'S okay.
[Panting.]
Hey! Randell! No runnin' in the halls! [Chomping.]
Belson, there is no gum in Aberdale Elementary! [Blowing.]
[Pop!.]
Noles! Spit it out, boy.
[Chomping continues.]
'Kay.
[Spits.]
[Groans.]
Belson, get back here and put that in the trash! [Grunting.]
Melanie: So, that covers math skills, but I was hoping to add - Okay, over here - Oh, uh, Melanie.
Brenda.
A little midday lesson plannin', hmm? Hey, Jim.
We're just talking shop.
Wouldn't want to waste your time.
Don't mind me.
Just minding my own business here.
Mind if I take notes on it? Just kiddin'.
[Laughs.]
- [Alarm ringing.]
Wha? - It's a fire! [Ringing continues.]
Those darn kids pullin' the fire alarm! We got to save the kids! Jim, it's just a false alarm! - Fire! Everyone out! Fire!! - Fire? - Fire! - Fire? Fire!! - Fire! - Fire! Everyone out! Let's go! H'okay, let's go.
[Humming.]
- Why are we still out here? - Okay, all accounted for.
Okay, back to class, everyone! I know that was exciting - but please, quiet in the halls, okay? - Yep, you kids better shape up or else we're going to have to call the cops on you.
[Chuckles.]
[Siren wails.]
Oh, great, she's here! Oh, uh, I mean, Melanie, I-I was just kiddin'.
Officer, thank you so much again for coming.
Serve and protect.
That's the oath.
[Crack!.]
[Groans.]
Ca-Carol? Carol! [Militaristic music plays.]
Uh, wait, you two know each other? So great to see ya.
You look fit.
H-How long's it been? What are you doing here, Jim? Yeah, what are we doing here, Reese? This is dumb.
I'm going inside.
Hey, Noles! I didn't say it's safe to go back in.
Get back here! Noles! Garf! Noles!! Ha-ha.
Some kinds are very independent.
Heh.
Anyway, I work here as a Well, I like to think of myself as a school disciplinarian.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Almost a like a vice principal, but, uh Um, excuse me.
Can I touch your gun? Okay, everyone, say hello to our new friend, Officer Moody.
Students: Hi, Officer Moody.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Do you carry a gun? [Stammers.]
Yes, I am a police officer, and I carry a weapon to protect the public.
Anything else related to the gun will not be addressed.
Do you have a gun? [Students snickering.]
What? I wanna know.
Okay, so your teacher tells me this class has had some problems following the rules recently, specifically with some fire-alarm pranksters.
Now, why do you think we have fire alarms in schools? So we can get out of class.
[Laughter.]
Oh, so you think safety is a joke.
No, no, that's fine.
We'll come back to the fire alarm later.
Let's say it's the morning and you are playing outside.
A stranger comes up to you and says, "Hey, I know your mom.
Let me give you a ride to school.
" Oh, oh, oh! Um, you say, "Yes.
Thank you.
" [Laughter.]
Wrong! You never get in the car with a stranger! But you said that they know my mom.
Oh, he's got you there.
They do know his mom.
- Right? - No, Clarence, you should really never get in the car - with someone you don't know.
- Yeah, well, I might not carry a big gun, but I know a thing or two about safety.
After all, me and Moody go way back, and, yeah.
[Growls.]
Used to be partners.
- Whaaat?! - Are you for real? And if there's one thing I learned about safety You know, actually, I think Officer Moody has prepared a presentation for us, uh, so let's, uh, do that.
[Gurgling.]
That is what happens when you get in the car with a stranger.
[Slurps.]
- Thank you, Chelsea.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, I am going to demonstrate the proper way to escape capture.
Little boy, restrain me with this.
- Are you gonna arrest me? - No.
Bunny ears go through the around the tree - and through the loop and - That's all.
Thank you.
You're welcome! Freeing myself may seem impossible, but if you know the right maneuver [Groans.]
- Whoa.
- Whew! [Glass shatters.]
That's a pretty solid technique.
Excuse me.
But I actually know a more effective method.
Officer Moody, if you would.
[Laughs.]
Right.
We need a volunteer.
- Uh, come here, Melanie.
- Yeah, o-okay.
Agh, yeah.
Nice and tight.
- Oh! - Okay, I'm done.
Now, so you see, it's all about the hips.
[Grunting.]
[Groans.]
- This son of - Jim! [Whispering.]
You're embarrassing yourself.
[Normal voice.]
Okay, let's move out, everyone! Next, I'm going to demonstrate the proper use of a taser.
Belson: Okay, now I'm interested.
I almost got it.
You, uh [grunts.]
I might be able to break it.
With my teeth.
Oh, Clarence.
I was a cop for two years.
Beloved, feared, respected.
[Humming.]
- Moody.
- Huh? You ever heard of the donut pancake? Hoo-ah! [Muffled.]
Mm? Donut pancake! Donut pancake! [Choking.]
[Vomiting.]
Tuh.
Moody and I were like the eyes of a tiger.
No one wanted to mess with us.
Go these babies from the web.
[Twinkle!.]
Free delivery.
Hee-ah! [Grunts.]
Everything was going great, until that one fateful assignment that would be my last.
Oh, look at the monkey go! Get the banana! [Laughs.]
The grand opening of a new children's library.
Moody and I were called in to help the mayor at the ceremony.
I was running a bit late.
Must have taken a wrong turn somehow, 'cause next thing you know [Both scream.]
[Screaming.]
[Siren wails.]
[Crash.]
Aaaah! [Whimpers.]
[Grunts.]
That was the end of my police career.
[Laughter.]
[Humming.]
Oh, wow.
You were a real-life cop back then.
[Groans.]
[Straining.]
You must've felt like a real hero.
I'm no hero.
[Thud!.]
I'm just a saggy joke.
No runnin' with scissors! Ah, what am I saying? Thanks, Clarence.
You would've made a good cop.
Whoa, really? Does that mean I get my own very own binoculars? - Aw.
[Music.]
- No one respects me here.
It's time I leave Aberdale Elementary.
- I'll take those.
- Wait.
You can't quit.
Who's gonna tell me not to slouch? - You can slouch, Clarence.
- Aw.
So long, detention room.
[Sobbing.]
You served me well.
[Laughs evilly.]
[Alarm ringing.]
Come on, Mr.
Reese.
Who's gonna drink all the coffee a Hmm? Fire!? - There's a fire! - Ah! - Fire! - Oh-ah!! Fire, fire! One last ride! Everyone out! - Fire! Fire! - Hustle! Hustle! - Let's go! - Oh - It's just Belson.
- Belson Noles! Oh, you're in big trouble, Mister.
Yeah, yeah, just give me a detention or whatever.
[Thud!.]
And where do you think you're going?! Are you aware pulling the fire alarm is a felony? - [Stammers.]
Wh-wh-what? - Uh, Moody, he's just a child.
I-It was just a prank! It was a joke! What's going on here? Resisting an officer will add to your sentence! Excuse me.
Uh [Growls.]
Oh, my! Wow.
Heh.
Everything is a big joke, huh? - You're going away for a long time.
- Aah.
Ah! Handcuffs.
[Wails.]
[Sobbing.]
But, Mi-Mister Reese, please! Wait.
I pulled the alarm.
[Kids gasping.]
- Go on now, cuff me.
- You haven't changed a bit.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used - against you in a court of law.
- Oh, no, wait, wait.
Come on, now.
Is this part of the demonstration? - I don't think so.
- Wait! I did the thing! It was me! Pulled it with my naughty little ol' hand.
- He's lying.
I did it.
- No, wait, I pulled the alarm first! Can you arrest me first? I'm a menace.
No.
No, I didn't do it.
But I saw Mavis pulling it.
- I did it! - It was me! [Kids clamoring.]
[Gulps.]
You can't arrest all of us.
[Kids gasping.]
Man: Uh, any available officer, A-114 is on fire.
Repeat! My car is on fire!! Don't you have a big important job to do? You'll never change.
Get out of my way, Jim! This is Officer Moody.
I'm on it! Mr.
Reese! Mr.
Reese! Don't stand up too quickly or Oh.
- Oh my grand! - Jim, your, uh the handcuffs.
Your Your butt.
They're crushed! You used your butt to escape the law.
[Kids murmuring excitedly.]
You mean this ol' thing? I was known for my excessive butt force back at the station.
[Laughter.]
[Slurping.]
Hey, Chelsea, you better slow down.
Or else - Whoo-pa! - Hmm-hmm.
Hut, two, three, four.
Hey, you two are gonna be late for class.
Don't make me use my police "buttality" on you two.
[Both laugh.]
Clarence, what did I tell you about slouchin'? - Look at that! - Yes, sir! Belson! Spit out that gum, boy! Hmm? Pbht! This may look like a chewed-up piece of gum, but this right here, this is progress.
Wow, Mr.
Reese you touched someone's gum.
Early to bed Early to rise Picking my nose
[Upbeat music plays.]
I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! [Militaristic music plays.]
[Humming.]
[Music.]
[Humming stops.]
[Music stops.]
[Humming resumes.]
[Music resumes.]
Good morning, Kimby.
Working hard or hardly working? [Chuckles, slurps.]
Clarence! [Slurping.]
Lips off the faucet, boy.
- Oh, sorry, Mr.
Reese.
- 'S okay.
[Panting.]
Hey! Randell! No runnin' in the halls! [Chomping.]
Belson, there is no gum in Aberdale Elementary! [Blowing.]
[Pop!.]
Noles! Spit it out, boy.
[Chomping continues.]
'Kay.
[Spits.]
[Groans.]
Belson, get back here and put that in the trash! [Grunting.]
Melanie: So, that covers math skills, but I was hoping to add - Okay, over here - Oh, uh, Melanie.
Brenda.
A little midday lesson plannin', hmm? Hey, Jim.
We're just talking shop.
Wouldn't want to waste your time.
Don't mind me.
Just minding my own business here.
Mind if I take notes on it? Just kiddin'.
[Laughs.]
- [Alarm ringing.]
Wha? - It's a fire! [Ringing continues.]
Those darn kids pullin' the fire alarm! We got to save the kids! Jim, it's just a false alarm! - Fire! Everyone out! Fire!! - Fire? - Fire! - Fire? Fire!! - Fire! - Fire! Everyone out! Let's go! H'okay, let's go.
[Humming.]
- Why are we still out here? - Okay, all accounted for.
Okay, back to class, everyone! I know that was exciting - but please, quiet in the halls, okay? - Yep, you kids better shape up or else we're going to have to call the cops on you.
[Chuckles.]
[Siren wails.]
Oh, great, she's here! Oh, uh, I mean, Melanie, I-I was just kiddin'.
Officer, thank you so much again for coming.
Serve and protect.
That's the oath.
[Crack!.]
[Groans.]
Ca-Carol? Carol! [Militaristic music plays.]
Uh, wait, you two know each other? So great to see ya.
You look fit.
H-How long's it been? What are you doing here, Jim? Yeah, what are we doing here, Reese? This is dumb.
I'm going inside.
Hey, Noles! I didn't say it's safe to go back in.
Get back here! Noles! Garf! Noles!! Ha-ha.
Some kinds are very independent.
Heh.
Anyway, I work here as a Well, I like to think of myself as a school disciplinarian.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Almost a like a vice principal, but, uh Um, excuse me.
Can I touch your gun? Okay, everyone, say hello to our new friend, Officer Moody.
Students: Hi, Officer Moody.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Do you carry a gun? [Stammers.]
Yes, I am a police officer, and I carry a weapon to protect the public.
Anything else related to the gun will not be addressed.
Do you have a gun? [Students snickering.]
What? I wanna know.
Okay, so your teacher tells me this class has had some problems following the rules recently, specifically with some fire-alarm pranksters.
Now, why do you think we have fire alarms in schools? So we can get out of class.
[Laughter.]
Oh, so you think safety is a joke.
No, no, that's fine.
We'll come back to the fire alarm later.
Let's say it's the morning and you are playing outside.
A stranger comes up to you and says, "Hey, I know your mom.
Let me give you a ride to school.
" Oh, oh, oh! Um, you say, "Yes.
Thank you.
" [Laughter.]
Wrong! You never get in the car with a stranger! But you said that they know my mom.
Oh, he's got you there.
They do know his mom.
- Right? - No, Clarence, you should really never get in the car - with someone you don't know.
- Yeah, well, I might not carry a big gun, but I know a thing or two about safety.
After all, me and Moody go way back, and, yeah.
[Growls.]
Used to be partners.
- Whaaat?! - Are you for real? And if there's one thing I learned about safety You know, actually, I think Officer Moody has prepared a presentation for us, uh, so let's, uh, do that.
[Gurgling.]
That is what happens when you get in the car with a stranger.
[Slurps.]
- Thank you, Chelsea.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, I am going to demonstrate the proper way to escape capture.
Little boy, restrain me with this.
- Are you gonna arrest me? - No.
Bunny ears go through the around the tree - and through the loop and - That's all.
Thank you.
You're welcome! Freeing myself may seem impossible, but if you know the right maneuver [Groans.]
- Whoa.
- Whew! [Glass shatters.]
That's a pretty solid technique.
Excuse me.
But I actually know a more effective method.
Officer Moody, if you would.
[Laughs.]
Right.
We need a volunteer.
- Uh, come here, Melanie.
- Yeah, o-okay.
Agh, yeah.
Nice and tight.
- Oh! - Okay, I'm done.
Now, so you see, it's all about the hips.
[Grunting.]
[Groans.]
- This son of - Jim! [Whispering.]
You're embarrassing yourself.
[Normal voice.]
Okay, let's move out, everyone! Next, I'm going to demonstrate the proper use of a taser.
Belson: Okay, now I'm interested.
I almost got it.
You, uh [grunts.]
I might be able to break it.
With my teeth.
Oh, Clarence.
I was a cop for two years.
Beloved, feared, respected.
[Humming.]
- Moody.
- Huh? You ever heard of the donut pancake? Hoo-ah! [Muffled.]
Mm? Donut pancake! Donut pancake! [Choking.]
[Vomiting.]
Tuh.
Moody and I were like the eyes of a tiger.
No one wanted to mess with us.
Go these babies from the web.
[Twinkle!.]
Free delivery.
Hee-ah! [Grunts.]
Everything was going great, until that one fateful assignment that would be my last.
Oh, look at the monkey go! Get the banana! [Laughs.]
The grand opening of a new children's library.
Moody and I were called in to help the mayor at the ceremony.
I was running a bit late.
Must have taken a wrong turn somehow, 'cause next thing you know [Both scream.]
[Screaming.]
[Siren wails.]
[Crash.]
Aaaah! [Whimpers.]
[Grunts.]
That was the end of my police career.
[Laughter.]
[Humming.]
Oh, wow.
You were a real-life cop back then.
[Groans.]
[Straining.]
You must've felt like a real hero.
I'm no hero.
[Thud!.]
I'm just a saggy joke.
No runnin' with scissors! Ah, what am I saying? Thanks, Clarence.
You would've made a good cop.
Whoa, really? Does that mean I get my own very own binoculars? - Aw.
[Music.]
- No one respects me here.
It's time I leave Aberdale Elementary.
- I'll take those.
- Wait.
You can't quit.
Who's gonna tell me not to slouch? - You can slouch, Clarence.
- Aw.
So long, detention room.
[Sobbing.]
You served me well.
[Laughs evilly.]
[Alarm ringing.]
Come on, Mr.
Reese.
Who's gonna drink all the coffee a Hmm? Fire!? - There's a fire! - Ah! - Fire! - Oh-ah!! Fire, fire! One last ride! Everyone out! - Fire! Fire! - Hustle! Hustle! - Let's go! - Oh - It's just Belson.
- Belson Noles! Oh, you're in big trouble, Mister.
Yeah, yeah, just give me a detention or whatever.
[Thud!.]
And where do you think you're going?! Are you aware pulling the fire alarm is a felony? - [Stammers.]
Wh-wh-what? - Uh, Moody, he's just a child.
I-It was just a prank! It was a joke! What's going on here? Resisting an officer will add to your sentence! Excuse me.
Uh [Growls.]
Oh, my! Wow.
Heh.
Everything is a big joke, huh? - You're going away for a long time.
- Aah.
Ah! Handcuffs.
[Wails.]
[Sobbing.]
But, Mi-Mister Reese, please! Wait.
I pulled the alarm.
[Kids gasping.]
- Go on now, cuff me.
- You haven't changed a bit.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used - against you in a court of law.
- Oh, no, wait, wait.
Come on, now.
Is this part of the demonstration? - I don't think so.
- Wait! I did the thing! It was me! Pulled it with my naughty little ol' hand.
- He's lying.
I did it.
- No, wait, I pulled the alarm first! Can you arrest me first? I'm a menace.
No.
No, I didn't do it.
But I saw Mavis pulling it.
- I did it! - It was me! [Kids clamoring.]
[Gulps.]
You can't arrest all of us.
[Kids gasping.]
Man: Uh, any available officer, A-114 is on fire.
Repeat! My car is on fire!! Don't you have a big important job to do? You'll never change.
Get out of my way, Jim! This is Officer Moody.
I'm on it! Mr.
Reese! Mr.
Reese! Don't stand up too quickly or Oh.
- Oh my grand! - Jim, your, uh the handcuffs.
Your Your butt.
They're crushed! You used your butt to escape the law.
[Kids murmuring excitedly.]
You mean this ol' thing? I was known for my excessive butt force back at the station.
[Laughter.]
[Slurping.]
Hey, Chelsea, you better slow down.
Or else - Whoo-pa! - Hmm-hmm.
Hut, two, three, four.
Hey, you two are gonna be late for class.
Don't make me use my police "buttality" on you two.
[Both laugh.]
Clarence, what did I tell you about slouchin'? - Look at that! - Yes, sir! Belson! Spit out that gum, boy! Hmm? Pbht! This may look like a chewed-up piece of gum, but this right here, this is progress.
Wow, Mr.
Reese you touched someone's gum.
Early to bed Early to rise Picking my nose