Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s03e18 Episode Script

1 It's a very special episode of Comedy Bang! Bang!, as they bid goodbye to one of their most beloved characters.
Don't miss Bookie's emotional farewell, coming up next.
It's your birthday Happy Birthday to you Here's your gift, Scottie.
A book, a book! I got a book! Hi, I'm Bookie.
We're gonna have so much fun together.
You're just what I always wanted.
Thank you for coming, everyone.
I have an announcement.
This isn't easy to say, but, tonight's my last show.
I'm leaving Comedy Bang! Bang! Bookie? Why? In a word, love.
You remember last month when I took that vacation to the library of congress? Hmm.
It should be around here somewhere.
Oh.
Hey, watch where you're going, you, you She had the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen.
Not to mention, her Ks, Ns and Rs.
Yeah, she had the tight face of an angel.
You what? What were you going to call me? I was gonna call you a big old bitch, but now that I get a good look at you, I'd rather call you my wife.
We're getting married and moving to the big city.
My flight leaves immediately after the show.
That is so romantic.
I didn't even realize that you and Delores Claiborne had broken up.
That chick was crazy.
But, look.
I haven't told Scott yet.
Oh, Bookie.
Scott's gonna be so heart broken.
He loves you so.
I know, I know.
But, look, not a peep out of any one of ya.
Capisce? Hey, guys.
What's everyone talking about? Uh Nothing.
Just talking about how excited we are that we have Rob Corddry tonight.
Oh, he's gonna be great.
But, that won't be as fun as what Bookie and I are up to tomorrow night.
See, I've been slowly reading him ever since I was a little boy, one page a day.
And tomorrow night, I finally get to the last one.
Bookie? I can't wait to see how you end.
Right, right.
Well, uh, we better get ready for the show.
Oh, sure.
Of course.
Oh, Bookie.
I love you.
- [Suffocating sounds.]
- Oh, sorry.
There you go.
Oh, boy.
[Swallows.]
[Soul music.]
[Inhales.]
It's Comedy Bang! Bang! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! - Featuring me, Reggie Watts.
- # Comedy Bang! Bang! # Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Comedy Bang! Bang! Uh-huh Hey there, welcome to Comedy Bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
From Childrens Hospital, Rob Corddry is here.
As well as jelloet Bill Cosby Bukowski.
I'm Scott Aukerman.
And I am your host with the moist.
Oh, by the way, I did not misspeak.
I meant to say moist because I am your host with the moist baked goods, that is.
That's right, my-my moist, moist brownies are a hit with young and old.
And speaking of young and old, let's say hello to someone directly in between, our good friend, Reggie Watts.
Ow, that did not sound good.
[Laughs.]
All right, Reg, so what'd you get up to last night? Oh, man.
I had an amazing night.
I went out bowling, and I bowled a perfect game.
A perfect game? That is so awesome.
Tell me about it.
Okay, so, first frame.
I get up, I get the ball, let go, strike.
Right out of the gate, that is awesome.
What then? Frame two, get the ball.
Focused, take a breath, release, strike.
Double whammy, awesome! What happened then? Third frame, crazy frame.
Grab the ball, release it just past the line, boom.
Strike.
I am on the edge of my seat here.
What happened then? Okay.
Fourth frizname, I grab the ball.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm all lined up.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm starting to sweat a little bit, but it don't bother me.
- Uh-huh.
- People are like, come on, man.
Come on.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Drown it out, focus.
Uhhuh.
And I just walk up to that lane, and I releases that biznall.
And it goes right in to the gutter.
The gutteroso.
Gutter ball? - Yep.
- Not a strike? - No.
- So that's not really a perfect game? - Well Yeah.
- All right, Reg.
We'll check back with you later.
Coming up next on the show Hey, Scott, hey! Well, if it isn't our prop master general, Diana.
- [Sword sound.]
- How's it going, Diana? I'm good.
I just heard the news, so I wanted to come by and say goodbye! Uh.
To Reggie? Oh, boy.
Goodbye to Reggie? Why, where are you going? Uh, well.
Uh, I-I've fallen in love with a book.
And, um, it's a book that lives across the country, so I'm gonna have to go there.
To live with the book.
Good cover, Reggie.
And believe me, I've seen a lot of good covers.
Yeah, so.
This is gonna be my last episode ever.
Okay.
Anyway, coming up next on the show, we have a wait.
You're not even gonna be a little upset about about that? Why would I be even a little upset? I mean, that's life.
We all have to go sometime, right? Except for Bookie, of course.
Bookie's gonna be with me forever.
Isn't that right, book? [Swallows.]
Sorry.
Bye.
- Forgot your chicken! - Thank you.
All right, let's get to our first guest.
You know him from Childrens Hospital, and also Hot Tub Time Machine.
Plus, his first name is a crime and his second isn't.
Please welcome, Rob Corddry.
Hi, how are you? Hey.
- Nice to meet you.
- How are you, nice to meet you.
Please.
There's Reggie.
Hi.
Rob Corddry.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Do you mind I'm sorry.
Before we start the interview, if I just do something? - Yeah, be my guest.
- Thank you.
- Literally.
- Right? Sorry.
This will only take a second.
[Sighs.]
God, I-I didn't think this was gonna be as hard as it is.
Be well, old friend.
Whoo.
Shake it off.
Okay, well.
I'll just ask no further questions about it, and continue on at pace.
That's just good talkshowing.
So, Rob, now, you're show, Childrens Hospital, it's been accused by critics of not being an accurate depiction of the trials and tribulations of a children's hospital.
Do you care to tell your critics why they're wrong? Some people practice, you know, their Oscar speech in the shower.
I practice what I would do if I ever got my hands on one of those sons of bitches who thinks that Childrens Hospital is not a medically accurate, and in everything else, life accurate show.
Uh, and you know what I would do, I'd just look them right in their eyes, which camera can be their eyes? Over here.
I'd say You're wrong, Jack.
You got it all wrong.
You got the whole you got the whole thing backwards.
And when you should be make the thing frontwards, and then say it.
You're practicing this in the shower? - It's a tough speech.
- A little more work needs to be done.
I feel like I blew it.
I'm usually, when I'm in the shower, I'm practicing what I'm gonna do if I get my hands on something else.
Am I right? Are you talking about your own penis, because that's so easy to get your hands onto, I right? You touched your pee pee before? Yeah, yeah, all the time.
All the time.
Are you touching it now? Do you have a fake arm? No, well.
I mean, look.
[Ding, ding.]
This is what I do sometimes.
I just.
[Ding.]
People are like, you touch yourself? And I'm like, [ding.]
Yeah, well, it's [Ding.]
Just on my body.
[Ding.]
Reg, have you ever tried that? Yeah, I miss a lot.
If I close my eyes, it's a little easier.
[Raspberry sound.]
That's your belly button.
- Belly button.
- Let me try, here we go.
[Buzzer.]
Nope.
- Hmm.
- No, it's super easy.
Watch, just go boop.
[Ding, ding.]
[Dings.]
Right there, there it is.
[Continual dings.]
That's your penis right there.
Now, put your hand where I was just tapping for a long time.
Go ahead.
[Splash.]
Boom.
Got it.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho! - That's it.
Easy as that.
I'll have what I'm having.
- Yeah.
- That's pretty good.
So, Rob, I have to ask, you're from Boston.
- Yes.
- Do you miss it? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Boston's great.
You know, everybody's always eating boston cream pie, and walking their boston terriers, and cooking boston baked beans, and watching Boston Legal.
It sounds terrific.
It is.
It really is.
But, you know, you really have to remember that we are garbage people.
We smell like a piece of poo that has somehow learned to fart.
And our sisters are slut-bags, and our style of chowder is inferior, and the Red Sox are a toilet team Hold on a second.
I'm sorry, who wrote this bit? I did! Ha, ha, ha.
Boston sucks, New York rules.
Derek Jeter is my father.
Yeah, go piss yourself, you chuckle head.
You go piss yourself.
Nice New York comeback, baby.
New York! bleep Gronkowski.
New York.
So, now, rob, you were on The Daily Show.
Two questions, how often was it on, and number two, was it a movie or a TV show? This is refreshing.
This is why I said yes - Mm-hmm.
- To doing this show, you know? When my agents had said that we got this show, we assume it's a pass, and I was like, no.
I'm doing that show.
Thank you so much.
Why did your agents assume it was a pass? Well, let me let me answer your question first, and then we'll forget about that and then we can just go on like it never happened.
I'm probably still gonna remember it.
Well, listen.
Those are two questions.
It's refreshing.
Never been asked them.
I've never, ever been asked those questions.
Delving deep.
Not deep, so much as it was like, anti-deep, you know? Which is great.
Which is sort of That's kinda deep in itself.
- It's deep the opposite way.
- Yeah.
It's like, instead of going deep down here, I'm going deep up here.
Yes, exactly.
And, it was on everyday, and it's a TV show.
Thank you.
So, Rob, you've talked about being an eagle scout before.
Mmhmm, that's true.
It is actually not true, because our researchers did a little bit of what they do best, i.
e.
, research, and what they found is, you never completed your citizenship badge.
No, I definitely Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
You're right.
I'm-I'm not a real eagle scout.
My My whole life has been a lie.
That's true, but, maybe there's something we can do about it right now.
After all, all you need, as you can see, is one more good deed and you will have earned your citizenship badge.
Yeah, well, okay.
So one good deed to go.
Uh, how? We can think of one right now, right? Let's just put our heads together, right? One good deed.
How hard could it be? [Clock ticks.]
Hello? Could someone help me cross this set? Buzz off, you old bitch! We're trying to think of a good deed for Rob Corddry to do, okay? Amscray.
Sorry.
No, I mean, it's fine.
It's just now I'm distracted because that old bag distracted me, and now and now, I can't think of a good deed.
So I guess I'll never be an eagle scout.
Not so fast.
Robert Stewart Copeland Corddry, for doing me the great honor of getting rid of that bothersome old woman, I hereby present to you, your citizenship badge.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
Scott? This is a great honor.
A scout's honor? [Both laugh.]
- Excuse me? - bleep off! God, we have to get better security in here.
Sorry about that.
Anyway, we'll be back with more Rob Corddry and Bill Cosby Bukowski, after this.
[Laughs.]
I was continuing the laugh.
It's creepy when you do it solo.
Oh, Reggie.
Thanks for coming into work today.
I thought maybe you would take the holiday off.
What holiday? Oh, very funny, Reggie.
Now put on some purple, lest I scratch you about the knee.
- What are you talking about? - Reggie, the pit fruits are drying in the summer sun.
Each child's house has been smeared with the softest of cheeses, and, soon, the squirrel will crawl underneath the king's robe, why, it's twinesman's day, Reggie.
I think you're losing it, Scott.
Oh, what's the matter? Perhaps someone is mad that the twinesman's archer did not spare an arrow from his bow for you today? No.
I'm mad because twinesman's day is tomorrow.
No wonder the mall still had so much knotting rope.
Nevertheless, both: Happy twinesman's Eve.
From all of us to all of you.
[Child laughing.]
Where your mistake it's around the corner that the fudge is made.
Oh.
I understand.
Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Rob Corddry, and jelloem laureate Bill Cosby Bukowski will be out here in just a second.
And, uh Hey, Scott? Um, there's something I need to tell you.
Oh, Bookie.
Thank goodness.
You know, there's something I want to tell you as well.
But, to be honest, I couldn't quite figure out how to say it.
I got us Book of Mormon tickets! Surprise! It's for tonight, right after the show.
I mean, I know it's probably not gonna be as good as the book, but.
- Thanks, Scott.
- Hey, so what did you want to talk to me about? Uh, just that I'm looking forward to you reading my final page.
It's a real corker.
Oh, Bookie, you're so sweet.
I also wanted to introduce you to a friend of mine.
I thought maybe he could fill in for me if I ever take a vacation, for instance.
Well, I can't imagine a situation in which one of us would vacation without the other, but, all right.
Let's meet your friend.
His name is Bibley.
[Harp music.]
Oh, God! Hello, Bibley.
How are you? I am well, Scott.
As psalm 28:7 says, "the lord is my strength and shield.
" Oh, cripes.
No, thank you.
Hey! Just give me a sign, lord, and I'll give up drinking forever.
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
Well, sorry about throwing your friend, Bookie, but, you know, what's the point of finding a replacement for you when you're never gonna leave, right? [Swallows.]
All right, we'll be right back with more Rob Corddry, and Bill Cosby Bukowski, after this.
- F-a-c-e-b-o-o-k dot com.
- Oh, how is dot com spelled? Hey, we're back here with Rob Corddry, and jelloem laureate, Bill Cosby Bukowski, will be out here in just a second.
But before that, it's time for Reggie to ask our guest a question.
So, Reggie? You approach dramatic roles similarly as comedic roles.
Do you believe that all roles are the same roles? Or are there different roles for different occasions? I'm classically bleep trained, bro.
- Gotcha.
- All right, well.
Let's get to our next guest.
He is the jelloet laureate of the northwest.
I don't know what that is, but let's find out.
Please welcome, Bill Cosby Bukowski.
[Cosby show-like music.]
Oh! - For you.
- Thank you so much.
[Singing gibberish.]
Yeah! Oh, yeah! Welcome to the show.
Thank you for this.
[Bill Cosby voice.]
Some lime jello, for a fine fellow.
So, now, let's get this out of the way.
You are not Bill Cosby.
I'm not Bill Cosby, I'm Bill Cosby Bukowski, jelloet laureate of the United States, thank you.
Tell us about being a jelloet.
I don't even know quite what that is.
You know, jelloet, jelloems are just a part of my soul.
You know? And they come to me sometimes when I'm shaving.
Sometimes when I'm sleeping.
They must not come to you while you're shaving very often, because I Oh, you see my shadow? Well, I'm an alcoholic, baby.
I sit in the bucket, I piss in the bucket, okay? I'm sorry I'm so sweaty.
You know? Getting nervous before I come on the chat shows.
This is just from nerves? This is just from nerves, baby.
And cocaine.
Okay! Look at me.
I'm on TV.
Thank you very much for the opportunity.
My daughter, Rudy, and my son, Theo, and my favorite character from The Matrix is Neo.
They're all on TV, bro.
And so am I.
So open your thighs and let me surprise you with my funky stuff, or they'll open your stunky trunk, you punk.
Okay.
That's the first jelloem.
- Very nice.
- bleep yeah.
So, I'm guessing that your poems are sort of a cross between Bill Cosby lore and also the tenor of Bukowski.
Trying to bleep with me, man? - I'm not.
- 'Cause I'll kill you.
Just kidding.
I love talk shows.
I will love Hollywood.
Great.
I got some TV shows I'm trying to get started out here.
Oh, I'd love to hear about them.
Oh, really? Okay, yeah, sure the jello boys.
- The jello boys? - Jello boys.
They're searching for, it's like the bloodhound gang, it's a mystery.
Bunch of mystery-solving kids in the neighborhood, and they're trying to figure out why the jello where the jello is.
That sounds like a show to me.
Jellosmos.
Ou know that dumb show,Cosmos? Yeah, I've heard of it.
Yeah, man.
The universe is made of jello.
- Okay.
- Shaking Bad.
- Shaking Bad? - Shaking Bad.
Okay, so, I'm imagining it's shaking because the jello he develops a new kind of raspberry jello Blue.
Blue.
It's so good, all these people want the blue raspberry.
And they start killing each other.
All of a sudden, everybody's dying.
Sounds violent.
It's horrible.
Yes, very violent.
Uh, do you have any more jelloems? I would love to hear another one.
I got another jelloem.
This one's called, stop masturbating.
And it say, you, out there! On TV, this is a message to you, my friend.
Stop masturbating! Put it away.
I realize I'm sexy in every way.
I know you get horny as a bleepless cat.
When you seem me in my colorful sweater and hat.
But, stop masturbating! You, on the couch.
Clean off your penis, don't be a slouch.
Now put your Lou back in between your two mattresses.
Jerk off to something more normal, some actresses.
Like Lisa Bonet, or Tempestt Bledsoe.
Or Keshia Knight Pulliam, she's full grown, you know.
I think that's pretty good.
Wow.
Really good.
Really good.
I mean, that was a dense jelloem.
All right, well.
Let's go to a break.
When we come back, we'll have more Rob Corddry, more Bill Cosby Bukowski, after this.
Sorry I didn't dedicate that to you.
No, no, no, I'm good with it not being dedicated to me.
- Let's fake talk.
- Because it was all about I mean, in the midwest, they they call it pop, but I still just call it hurty water.
Interesting.
Hey, welcome back.
I want to thank our guests, Rob Corddry and jelloet, Bill Cosby Bukowski.
And, uh Scott? Bookie? Where are you going? I'm leaving, Scott.
This was my final show.
- What? - I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.
I met someone.
We're getting married and we're moving to the big city.
Whatever happened to bros before prose? I'm sorry, Scott.
Please try to forgive me.
But, I- - bye, Bookie! Don't forget to write books! Scott? Go to him.
Bookie? Bookie, why didn't you tell me sooner? You don't think this is hardcover for me too? [Sniffs.]
But it's time I turn the page.
Listen to your shelf.
Did you even take paper stock of how I feel? I'm not ready for this to be the end paper.
This may be the end of the chapter.
But, it's not the end of the story.
Here.
I made this for you.
I was gonna give it to you on your birthday, but Well, it's a book jacket.
I know it gets cold in the big city.
Sayonara,Scott.
813.
54.
You still remember my Dewey decimal number.
Zero.
You still remember the amount of times I've had sex.
You know, I never did find out what's on your final page.
[Suggestive saxophone music.]
Whoa.
Whoever thought that those two would end up together? Yeah.
Agent Starling and Hannibal Lecter make an adorable couple.
They really do.
Bye bye, Bookie.
The wolf dead.