Dog with a Blog (2012) s03e18 Episode Script

So I was on my way to meet Bennett for dinner, and there's this squirrel in the street, just running free, so I yell, "Squirrel," and swerve 'cause I don't want the poor fella to be road kill.
Don't worry, he scampered off just fine.
But to answer your question, no, there's no one named Stu here.
All right, now I've recorded everything Ellen just said.
You ready to see how we turn this into a really cool prank using my soundboard app? - I don't understand Da-da.
- I'm hungry.
Perfect.
Let's do it.
Bennett, dinner is almost ready.
Okay, honey.
What are we having? Road kill stew.
(Stan laughs) That's just a funny sorta name for it, right? I mean, we're not having actual road kill.
Squirrel! Squirrel? Are you kidding me? No! You mean, you're actually cooking squirrel for dinner? I found a free squirrel in the street.
Poor fella.
Dinner.
(Laughing) Is this because I asked you to spend less money on shoes? So I got dinner.
No, no, no.
We are not eating that.
But it's locally grown and organic.
Okay, you win.
Buy all the shoes you want.
Yes! Wait, what? Never mind.
I don't care.
I'm gonna buy shoes.
You said buy shoes, I'll buy shoes.
(Laughing) Yeah! He thought he was gonna eat squirrel.
You guys like that prank? So can we eat the squirrel? No, you guys don't understand pranks.
There is no squirrel.
I wanted squirrel.
Why can't we have squirrel? Are you mad at us? (Crying) What did we do wrong? (Puppies crying) Okay, okay.
I'll get you a squirrel.
Yay! What's a squirrel? There is no end to the fun I'm gonna be able to have with my soundboard.
I can't wait to mess around with some of the things I caught Robert saying.
Robert, you deleted it? Always one step ahead.
Knockity-knockity.
You don't knock and say, "Knockity-knockity.
" (Scoffs) Amateurs.
Look, Karl, one of your drones crashed in our yard.
- You can't prove it's mine.
- It says Air Fink One on the side.
I am glad you're here, because I am bursting with news.
I have a girlfriend.
What the what? You have a girlfriend? Who is she? What's her name? Her name is made up.
I made her up so you think I'm cool, but I'm not, so carry on with your day.
When you say "made her up," you don't mean built her out of robot parts, do you? Because after the last one attacked a mall, I thought you quit.
Well, there really is no reason for me not to tell you, is there? So yes, I should? But I won't.
There's no such person.
Yeah, I have trouble imagining how odd someone would have to be to be your actual girlfriend.
I wouldn't say odd just because she dresses in black.
And is quiet.
Very quiet.
A librarian.
An angry, angry librarian.
Yes, you don't want to return your books late to her.
That's the gal for me.
Actually, now that I think about it, maybe I do know a girl who's right for you.
Oh, really? Who is this enchanting creature? You already have a girlfriend.
Max? What are you doing in Karl's Oh, my what the what?! Okay, fine.
You know.
Karl's my boyfriend.
And apparently, it's only a secret when I'm talking.
I'm sorry.
I thought it was best if we kept it a secret for now.
You know how things are when you're in a group of friends and two of them start dating.
Don't worry, we can still be friends even if you guys are dating.
I'm actually glad that you two got together.
I was worried that neither one of you would find happiness and you'd both end up becoming super-villains and we couldn't hang out.
Super-villains? Huh.
I am pretty disappointed in humanity.
And I too have a pretty good idea for a Doomsday machine.
(Both) Power couple! Good.
You're all here.
I have something very special for one of you.
- A new car? - Premium channels? Hugs for my favorite daddy.
That's how you get a pony.
So far, Chloe's winning.
I have one extra ticket to a huge, once-in-a-lifetime event at the museum this week Oh, just take Avery.
You two always end up at the educational things together.
I already asked.
She's busy, she has a school thing.
Can't attend something educational because of school.
Is that ironic? No, really, is it? I've never been quite clear on what irony is, which is ironic, maybe.
I don't know.
So you graduated early, huh? What this means is that one of you can now go with me.
- Why not take Mom? - What? Take Chloe.
I can't go.
Who'll watch my pony? Look, I only ask for two things in life: one, no questions while I watch Upton Carriage House - Those English accents - And two, someone to go to the museum with me.
You guys figure out which one is going, and tell me later.
We certainly will.
- We got it.
- (Chloe) Take Tyler.
(Phone rings) - Hello.
- Tyler, it's Tyler, from the future.
Oh, yeah, well, if you're me, then what's my Buddy Bop password? 1-2-3-4-5-? Whoa, the only people who know that are me and my dog who asked me that this morning.
(Chuckling) So what's my life like in the future? - Okay.
- Yes! Now do you understand how pranks are funny? I saw a butterfly in the window.
My feet smell like corn chips.
Well, we're getting closer.
So, Lindsay, there's something I was dying to tell you, but Karl and Max wanted to tell you themselves.
Lindsay, I have a girlfriend.
And I have a boyfriend.
That's a coincidence.
- Actually, I like Karl.
- And I like Max.
What about your boyfriend? And your girlfriend? So many people are being hurt.
Lindsay, I don't think you're quite following.
I'm not just following, I'm one step ahead of you.
The only way to make this work is if your girlfriend and your boyfriend get together.
I think we can pull this off.
Hands in.
Max is dating Karl.
They're dating each other exclusively.
There's no other boyfriend or girlfriend.
Oh! Eww! Uh aww! I went through those stages, too.
But when two friends in a group date, doesn't that make things weird? (Both) It's not weird.
(Gasping, laughing) Here's hoping that never happens again.
All right, TV night.
Two minutes until Liars Cove.
I can't wait to find out if Claudia tells Asher she's falling in love with Raif.
The barista with a past.
Karl and I decided we don't wanna watch Liars Cove tonight.
We always watch Liars Cove.
New tradition.
Max wants to watch The Shuffling Doomed, so come on, let's watch The Shuffling Doomed.
I can't wait to see who's doomed and who's shuffling.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't just say, "New tradition, Max wants to dut-dut-doy.
" You are paraphrasing me.
I want that noted.
My point is, Karl, you should think for yourself.
I always think for myself, and I want to watch say Shuffling Doomed.
Just Shuffling Doomed.
All right, we are ready for game night.
And we brought the games.
Thank you so much.
I know we usually do this at Lindsay's, but Max and I were so looking forward to hosting.
The hostess gifts you brought can go here.
No? Okay.
No worries.
We'll hold up our end.
Tonight we're going to play the new Realm of the Tower video game in honor of the upcoming convention in the park We can't wait.
But we always play one of these games.
I mean, Lindsay gets confused, Max gets annoyed, Karl accuses me of loading the dice.
Come on, tradition.
Wait, who gets confused? - Take that.
- And that.
- And that.
- Finish it off.
(Both growling) That was delightful.
Yeah.
I think I gotta get going.
So what do you all wanna do tomorrow? You know what? The rest of you guys have fun.
- I just wanna be alone.
- Yeah, me, too.
- Wanna go to my house? - Totally.
Well, I'm still reeling from no hostess gifts.
Who raised them? Hey, Max, where's Karl? Oh, that.
Yeah, we broke up.
Max, why did you and Karl break up? When you guys walked out last night, it was so obvious that our relationship was ruining the dynamics of the group.
I told Karl we couldn't let that happen, and the two of us started to fight about it.
He said some things to me, I said some things to him, I gave him back his vial of vampire blood, which was pretty clearly just hot sauce in a bud vase.
And, well, it's over.
Are you okay, Max? No, I'm not okay.
He broke my heart.
I know you gave that to me for my birthday, Avery, but any heart that's not shattered mocks me.
Tia, run.
Don't ask why.
Run all you want, Tia.
We have fifth period together.
Max, it was one fight.
If you feel that strongly, maybe you guys can fix it.
If he came back to me and apologized, I'd listen to him, but there is no way I'm going crawling back to him.
I feel terrible.
Max was worried that dating Karl would mess up the group, and when we walked out on them, we proved her right.
We're the reason they broke up.
I'm gonna go talk to Karl.
Oh, no, Avery, I just remembered.
There's a blood drive on campus, and everyone's getting heart stickers.
Cancel the drive, cancel the drive! Chloe, I'm worried that you and your daddy aren't spending enough time together.
Brainstorm! Maybe that museum thing would be fun for you two, huh? This isn't mani-pedi time.
It's a trap.
Run for it, Chloe.
Chloe.
As your mother, I order you to go to the museum with your father.
I think if this were a thing you could order me to do, you would've done that first.
Dang it.
Just for that, you have to brush your teeth extra well tonight.
- I do that anyway.
- Dang it! Hey, Chloe.
It's too bad you're not going to the museum.
Bet there'll be a lot of pretty girls there.
Pretty girls love art.
Smart pretty girls.
I've been down that road.
It's all fun and games till one of us has to talk.
Tyler, I'm sure you have plenty to say to a smart ah, forget it.
You know what we should do is come up with a plan to trick Mom into going.
We can tell there'll be a bunch of celebrities there.
She does love celebrities.
I've seen her run up to seven different women yelling "Amy Adams, I love you!" Amy Adams?! Oh.
So it's too bad you're not going to the museum.
There's a lot of celebrities there.
Yeah, smart celebrities.
It's all fun and games until they start yammerin' on about melting icebergs.
(Both) Dang it! Karl, listen.
Karl, listen.
Max is really upset about the break-up.
She's upset, is she? Is she carrying a candelabra in her hands? Is she composing a toccata of misery for pipe organ in D Minor? (Funereal organ music plays) Is she wearing a gloomy cape? Oh, be a lamb and hand me that gloomy cape behind you.
Well, if you're as upset as she is, you guys could get together again.
If you just go to her and apologize, - she'll forgive you.
- Me, apologize? Why doesn't she come apologize to me? Finks do not apologize.
We grovel, we surrender, we flip-flop, but we do it sans apology.
You are just as stubborn as Max is.
Well, if I'm too stubborn to apologize, and she's too stubborn to apologize, then our relationship is doomed.
Anyone who isn't a complete dolt could see that.
You'll explain it to Lindsay.
As soon as I see her.
(Phone chimes) (Avery) Sorry, Dad, still can't make it to the geology exhibit at the museum.
I know the rocks are gonna be awesome, but no rock show for me.
(Bennett) But, Avery Before you say "But, Avery," I repeat: I can't go.
- How did she know - (Phone chimes) I know you, Dad.
Okay, family meeting.
Listen, I wanted to tell you guys - I can't make it.
- I've got a thing that day.
My doctor says it might kill me.
You people.
Fine.
No one has to go with me to the museum.
(All sighing with relief) I just thought you might enjoy the greatest rock show Pasadena will ever see.
Rock show? Did you say rock show? I like rock shows.
Not just any rock show.
The rock show of the decade.
The stones will be so close, you can touch them.
The Stones? The Stones?! (Gasping) This is perfect.
The Rolling Stones are Mom's favorite rock band.
Now she'll wanna go and we're off the hook.
The Stones will be there? And so close, I can touch them? I tried that once and they threw me out.
Why are the Stones gonna be at the museum? Probably 'cause they're fossils.
Tyler, there's gonna be something there for everyone.
Let me say two words: Volcanic rock.
Volcanic rock? That sounds awesome.
Volcanic rock! Suddenly, this sounds exciting.
This is great.
I'll get tickets for everyone.
Are you sure? It seems like it's gonna be a really tough ticket.
I know the guy who stores the stones in their velvet-lined cases between shows.
I am just hearing about this now? ( Avery's voice) Stan is bad.
He's very, very bad.
Okay, yes, I drank from the toilet before I licked you.
I did it once; we were having a fight.
Stan is hummingbird.
Short pants, carrot weasel.
Wait a minute.
We pranked you, Da-da.
You're a short pants carrot weasel.
You did it! You pranked your old man.
Oh, boy.
Here come the tears of pride.
Wait a minute.
Who are you calling a short pants carrot weasel? (Girls laughing) Oops.
Better put this away.
(Tyler) Hey, good-lookin'.
Thanks for the smile.
Oh, my gosh.
Your brother just called me good-looking.
It's just a recording of Tyler talking to himself in the mirror.
It's a soundboard app.
Well, that's a little less flattering.
Wait a minute.
This could be how we can help Karl and Max.
They're both too stubborn to apologize to each other.
What if we make them think the other's apologized using the soundboard app while they're both at the Realm of the Tower convention? I think we can pull this off.
Hands in.
Avery, why is your dog hands-inning with us? - Do you see them? - Yeah, there's Max.
(Avery) And there's Karl.
So does your soundboard guy have the recordings of Max and Karl programmed in? Yes, and he has cut them together seamlessly.
Max, this is (Forcefully) Karl Fink! So who's your sound guy? I am the dark of the dying that envelops the dreams of the forgotten.
Nah, no, I'm just kidding.
I'm a regular soundboard guy.
Ooh, he sounds complicated.
Is he single? Nope.
Married.
Couple of kids.
He doesn't make a lot of money, so occasionally, I throw him a bone.
That is funny for reasons I cannot tell you.
Let's go.
Lindsay.
Hello.
I'm Max.
Max, you have wounded me deeply.
It will take someone with a poet's soul and a silver tongue to win me back.
Max heart Karl.
You make a good case.
Max, this is Karl Fink! What do you want, Karl? Karl Fink! Okay, fine.
What do you want, Karl Fink? Karl Fink! Stupid soundboard app.
It was working fine before.
Why did I upgrade? Unless you're here to apologize, I have nothing to say to you.
Perfect.
I'm here to apologize.
All I wanted was for you to give me an apology.
I wanted to give you an apology.
Karl Fink! Thank you, Karl.
Your saying that means a lot to me.
Your saying that means a lot to me.
Whoopsie.
Are you making fun of me? No, no.
Apology.
Apology, apology.
Why are you just standing there staring at me? Are you waiting for me to kiss you? Fine, fine.
Fine.
Okay, then, here I come.
You're sending me mixed signals.
I've heard romance can be confusing.
How do so many stupid people do it? So you've been standing there awfully quiet for a while.
You don't want a kiss, do you? Stupid people do it.
So that's a yes then? It's gonna be easy to catch you.
You're kinda running like Lindsay.
She does run like the zombies on Shuffling Doomed.
So we're back together? Yes, because one of us had the courage to accept an apology when it was offered.
(Both) You're welcome.
I don't know what just happened, but I believe a kiss was in the air a moment ago.
Oh, look.
Our plan worked.
They're gonna kiss.
(Both) Oh! Ew! Uh.
Aww! But why are they kissing with the heads on? Trust me.
It's better this way.
Sir, that's my hat.
Sir, that's my hat! You left me locked in the tower.
A good thing I have this Rapunzel wig.
Now I just need to wait for my prince.
I thought we were gonna ee the Stones at a rock show.
Not the stones at a rock show.
"Igneous is bliss"? I don't even know what this means, but I know it's not funny.
I can't believe you let me go to a museum dressed like this.
I told you you could buy a sweatshirt at the gift shop.
Why would I do that? Amy Adams gave me the thumbs up.
That wasn't Amy Ugh, forget it.