Empty Nest (1988) s03e18 Episode Script
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?
Life goes on, and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery One by one we fill the days We find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on very good, my healthy young fellow.
Goodbye.
See you.
Come on.
Laverne, any messages? Yeah.
Guess how many.
Laverne, just tell me the messages.
Okay.
Message number one.
Don't forget, startin' today, I take a trainee nurse under my wing for her orientation week.
- Yeah, fine.
- Message number two.
You know that blind date doctor William set you up with is tonight, and knowin' you, I figured you'd get lost, so I wrote down the directions.
Laverne, I don't need any help I drew a little map, on the back.
Ow, thanks, thanks.
Oh, and Tracy Griffin, room two.
Okay, thank you.
Hi there.
I'm Tim Cornell, your nurse trainee.
Uh-huh.
It's gon' be a pleasure to work with you.
Thanks.
Now, fall in, you slimy worm! I can't believe what they sent me! A boy nurse! I bet you think 'cause you got don't darts on your blouse, I'm gonna be easy on you.
You think that, don't you, boy? No, I don't think you understand.
You! The ewe is a female sheep, is that what you think I am, boy? - No.
- It's nurse Todd to you.
You got it, maggot? Yes.
Nurse Todd.
I can't hear you! Yes, nurse Todd! Cornell, huh? Where are you from, corncob? Columbia, Missouri.
Missouri? Well, they's only two things come out of Missouri: Steers and candy stripers.
Now I don't see no horn, so you must be a candy striper.
Look, I was told this orientation week was just a formality.
Where'd you hear that, at a orgy? What to you is a formality, to me is the vital trainin' that just one day might save somebody's life.
Don't you be eyeballin' me, boy.
Sorry, nurse Todd.
You will do every task I assign you, no matter how menial to the full level of your ability, for only then can we know if you are truly worthy of the title "registered nurse".
Piece of cake.
You talk back again, boy, I'll hammer you flat and nail you up as a height chart.
We'll see then whether you got any nurse in you or not.
Can I get you something to drink? No, sir.
Thank you.
I'm waiting.
I'm have a blind date.
Uh.
Oh - Paige? - Harry? Oh.
Well, I wasn't expecting someone so Young.
I wasn't expecting someone so Distinguished? You know, tall.
Tall.
Tall.
Tall would've been right, too, dear.
Here.
Please, have a seat.
Thank you.
Uh-huh.
Can I get you something now? I wouldn't mind having a drink, unless you're uncomfortable with this.
Uncomfortable? No, no, no.
Not at all.
I'll have a beer and she'll have a Shirley temple.
How about a white wine? You have ID, right? Yes.
Dollar off with your senior citizen's card.
So Why do you think doctor Williams thought we should go out? I don't know.
What business are you in? Antiques.
What kind of doctor are you? P pediatrician.
Well, I, I guess blind dates are usually pretty awkward.
Yes, they usually are.
Good.
So everything is going according to my plan.
You have a good sense of humor.
I like that.
Wait till you see my table manners.
You think doctor Williams knew something, after all? Well.
We could move on to dinner and find out.
That would be nice.
So.
We have one white wine for may, one beer for December.
Barbara don't! The microwave's on.
So what? Barbara, waves.
What a nut.
Hey, babes.
- Hi, daddy.
How was your date? - Fine.
You gonna go out with her again? Yeah, I think maybe I will.
What's her name? - Paige.
- Ooh, pretty name.
Has she ever been married before? - No.
- Ooh, she sounds perfect.
How old is she? Twenty-eight.
I have no reason to live.
Carol, will you stop that? Come on, you're making a big deal about nothing.
So? She's a few years younger than I am.
Daddy, she's a few years younger than I am.
The age difference between you two is over a quarter of a century.
Could we leave the word "century" out of this conversation, please? Barbara, please.
Tell your sister she's thinking crazy here.
Daddy, she's 25 years younger than you.
What is it with you two? So, Paige and I happen to have an age difference.
So what? She's bright, she's fun, I enjoy her company.
And I intend seeing her again.
And that, my dears, is the end of this.
Fine, daddy.
If you need me, I'll be upstairs.
I'm gonna go sit dangerously close to the TV.
Look what you and your little squeeze have done now.
Hey, Harry.
How's it going? Listen, Charley can I ask your opinion about something? Harry, come on.
This is Charley, your pal.
I'm always here for you, buddy.
So go ahead, ask away.
Oh, good.
Thanks a lot.
Listen.
Look, I went out tonight.
I had a date.
A blind date.
I'd like to see her again, it's just that Barbara and Carol have a problem with it because she's 28 years old.
Gross.
Charley, you of all people.
I thought for sure you'd be on my side.
Harry, get real.
This babe's in the prime of her life.
And they're about to ask you oak or pine.
What do we shake that thermometer down to, maggot? Exactly 96 degrees, nurse Todd.
That's right.
You got a girlfriend, corncob? Yes, nurse Todd.
Back home.
Not anymore, you don't! From now on, your sweetheart is that thermometer.
So what does your Mercury-fill mama say? You shook it too far, boy! You think you're pretty smart, don't you, corncob? This nurse trainee thinks he's competent, yes, ma'am.
Well, I've got my eye on you.
And one of these days you're gonna slip up.
And I'm gonna be all over you like sweet on a sailor.
- Huh? - I'll just be all over you.
- Good morning, Laverne.
- Good morning, doctor.
How was your date last night? Fine, thank you.
You don't say much about this Paige lady.
You must really like her.
You've been out together three times? That's right.
So what's wrong with her? Nothing.
Why do you ask? Oh, something's troublin' you 'bout this one.
I can always read you like a book.
- Well, no, Laverne - Uh-huh I know that twitch.
Put it together with that little nervous swallow and Why you a cradle-robbin' old goat! Laverne, I'm just going to assume you meant that in the best possible sense.
- Ah, Paige.
Hi.
- Hi.
Paige, Paige.
- This is Laverne.
- Hi.
Well, well, well.
When the bough breaks.
Harry, I'm sorry to come barging in, but I just had a giant fight with my parents.
I'm sorry, dear.
What happened? I told them about you and they were pretty upset.
Yeah, my daughters were a little upset about you, too.
Everyone's against our seeing each other, Harry.
Paige, come here.
I got an idea.
Now, our families have been judging us without ever having met us.
Why don't we get them all together? I mean, if my daughters were to meet you, and your parents were to meet me, they'd understand, they'd come around.
Look, if you give people a chance, they can be pretty open-minded.
Don't know why and don't know how.
Don't know why and don't know how.
Doctor's got some jailbait now.
Doctor's got some jailbait now.
- Sound off.
- sound off.
Girls, look, look.
I know you're not happy about meeting Paige and her parents and I want you to know that I really do appreciate the effort you're making.
I'm not gonna talk.
Carol, dear, these hors d'oeuvres, they look so lovely.
The joke's on you, daddy.
I didn't arrange them in my usual Fleur-de-Lis pattern.
It's my silent protest.
All right, now, girls, please now, let's be decent about this.
These people have been nice enough to come all the way over here to see us.
I don't want to meet these people! - Dad.
- Hi, Paige.
- Harry, hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Harry, I'd like you to meet my parents.
This is Gayle.
How are you doing? - And this is Pete.
- Hi there.
How are you? Well, it's really nice to meet I'd like you to meet my daughters.
- This is Barbara and Carol.
- Hi.
So, this is the den of inequity.
Actually, this is the living-room of inequity, the den would be back there.
Come in, please.
How about some refreshments, girls? Hors d'oeuvres? Oh, thank you.
They look lovely.
Ha.
Right.
Gayle.
Pete.
Paige.
Okay, well, this seems like as good a time as any to have a few words with all of you.
Now, Paige and I asked you over here so that you, the people who mean the most to us, could get to know us.
Okay, now.
It's true.
Paige and I do have a little, a little age difference.
Well, but the point is that age is not a factor with us.
When I look a Paige, I don't see a younger woman, and when she looks at me, she doesn't see an older man.
What we each see is someone we'd like to get to know better.
So we ask of you, those who love us, to do the same thing.
I mean, look past our ages and get to know us, and judge us for who we really are.
Come on, what do you say? Sorry for putting the straw on your wine.
It's all right.
I'll rearrange the hors d'oeuvres.
I didn't mean that crack before, about you being a lecher.
Oh.
You never called me a lecher.
Well, I did as we were walking up the driveway.
- Didn't I, Gayle? - Yes.
Okay, kid, you're out of here.
You blew up that girl's balloon mighty fast, corncob.
Yeah, I guess I did it when you weren't looking, nurse Todd.
When I wasn't lookin'? Corncob, I got eyes on the back of your head.
Did you make that girl blow up her own balloon? No, nurse Todd, of course not.
You did too, and that's Nancy Wheeler, she's got asthma.
Are you all right, Nancy? Boy, I've just about had it with you.
I want you to quit.
No, ma'am, I ain't quitting.
Mark my words, boy.
By the end of the day, you'll quit.
I don't know but I've been told.
I don't know but I've been told.
Rubber sheets are hard to fold.
Rubber sheets are hard to fold.
- Gettin' tired, corncob? - No, nurse Todd.
- I can't hear you! - No, nurse Todd! You ready to quit now, corncob? No, ma'am.
I've done some checkin' on you.
I know about your mama.
Don't be eyeballin' me, boy.
I know about your mama droppin' out of nursing school.
That deep down inside, you know you ain't cut out to be a registered nurse.
Isn't that right? No, ma'am, no, ma'am.
That's the last of the thermometers.
That's all the oral ones.
Hey, Cornell, give it up, man.
You know you ain't cut out to be a registered nurse.
You ain't got the right stuff.
Ma'am, this trainee believes he'd make a good registered nurse.
Well, tell it to the red cross, corncob.
Now tell me what I wanna hear.
I want you to quit.
I ain't gonna quit.
Oh, come on, you want to.
And then afterwards, you and your mama can sign up to be school nurses together, huh? No, ma'am.
- Quit! - I ain't gonna quit! All right, then! You can forget it, you're out! Don't you do it! I have nowhere else to go! A nurse is all I ever wanted to be! All right, Cornell.
On your feet.
Come on, I'll show you where we keep the disinfectant.
Oh, Mel torme! That was a great concert, wasn't it? Great.
Harry.
Harry.
What? Maybe I didn't like the concert as much as I said.
You mean you faked the standing ovation? How about we have some coffee and watch TV? Blue velvet is on cable tonight.
You didn't like blue velvet? I mean, call me old-fashioned, but if you're gonna show me a severed ear with bugs in it, at least play a peppy tune.
I see.
Okay, so.
You didn't like my music.
And I'm not too crazy about your movies.
Okay, that's good.
- It is? - Yeah.
Yeah.
This is how you build relationship.
You find out what the other person likes and doesn't like, and now we have a couple of don't likes, let's trawl around for a couple of likes.
Sushi.
Keep on trawling.
Downhill skiing? Golf.
Uh, no.
- Long drives.
- Ah.
Open sports car, doing 90 miles per hour.
Volvo station wagon, airbag.
No.
Harry, we must have something in common.
I mean, something kept us together in spite of what everyone thought.
I know, it seemed the more they were against us, the more we wanted to see each other.
What is it? I think I have just discovered what it is we have in common.
What? We hate people telling us what to do.
It was us against them, you see? But we were having so much fun proving everybody's wrong about us, that we didn't take the time to notice that We have very little in common.
That's what this was all about, huh? I'm afraid so, dear.
Sorry I didn't notice this sooner, but then I'm old and feeble.
It was fun, Harry.
That it's been, dear.
All right.
Bye, Paige.
Bye, Harry.
She wore blue velvet no, no, Nancy.
That's my job.
Here you go.
And remember, Nancy.
Make a friend of soap and water.
Thanks.
He's nice.
Nurse trainee, fall in.
You have completed your trainin'.
All that remains is for the doctor to review you.
Doctor, we're ready for you! He's tough, but fair.
Yes, Laverne, what is it? Doctor, the nurse trainee is ready for inspection.
He looks all right, I don't know.
Thank you, doctor.
Congratulations.
Registered nurse Cornell.
I'll never forget you, nurse Todd.
I know.
I wouldn't have made it if it weren't for you.
Go on, and get the hell out of here.
I'll go get my gear.
Well, I guess I'm done here.
What? Oh, well, I hope you picked up a couple of things.
That I did, doctor Weston.
That I did.
They always leave here with a name tag and a little piece of me.
I wish he'd left with all of you.
Goodbye.
See you.
Come on.
Laverne, any messages? Yeah.
Guess how many.
Laverne, just tell me the messages.
Okay.
Message number one.
Don't forget, startin' today, I take a trainee nurse under my wing for her orientation week.
- Yeah, fine.
- Message number two.
You know that blind date doctor William set you up with is tonight, and knowin' you, I figured you'd get lost, so I wrote down the directions.
Laverne, I don't need any help I drew a little map, on the back.
Ow, thanks, thanks.
Oh, and Tracy Griffin, room two.
Okay, thank you.
Hi there.
I'm Tim Cornell, your nurse trainee.
Uh-huh.
It's gon' be a pleasure to work with you.
Thanks.
Now, fall in, you slimy worm! I can't believe what they sent me! A boy nurse! I bet you think 'cause you got don't darts on your blouse, I'm gonna be easy on you.
You think that, don't you, boy? No, I don't think you understand.
You! The ewe is a female sheep, is that what you think I am, boy? - No.
- It's nurse Todd to you.
You got it, maggot? Yes.
Nurse Todd.
I can't hear you! Yes, nurse Todd! Cornell, huh? Where are you from, corncob? Columbia, Missouri.
Missouri? Well, they's only two things come out of Missouri: Steers and candy stripers.
Now I don't see no horn, so you must be a candy striper.
Look, I was told this orientation week was just a formality.
Where'd you hear that, at a orgy? What to you is a formality, to me is the vital trainin' that just one day might save somebody's life.
Don't you be eyeballin' me, boy.
Sorry, nurse Todd.
You will do every task I assign you, no matter how menial to the full level of your ability, for only then can we know if you are truly worthy of the title "registered nurse".
Piece of cake.
You talk back again, boy, I'll hammer you flat and nail you up as a height chart.
We'll see then whether you got any nurse in you or not.
Can I get you something to drink? No, sir.
Thank you.
I'm waiting.
I'm have a blind date.
Uh.
Oh - Paige? - Harry? Oh.
Well, I wasn't expecting someone so Young.
I wasn't expecting someone so Distinguished? You know, tall.
Tall.
Tall.
Tall would've been right, too, dear.
Here.
Please, have a seat.
Thank you.
Uh-huh.
Can I get you something now? I wouldn't mind having a drink, unless you're uncomfortable with this.
Uncomfortable? No, no, no.
Not at all.
I'll have a beer and she'll have a Shirley temple.
How about a white wine? You have ID, right? Yes.
Dollar off with your senior citizen's card.
So Why do you think doctor Williams thought we should go out? I don't know.
What business are you in? Antiques.
What kind of doctor are you? P pediatrician.
Well, I, I guess blind dates are usually pretty awkward.
Yes, they usually are.
Good.
So everything is going according to my plan.
You have a good sense of humor.
I like that.
Wait till you see my table manners.
You think doctor Williams knew something, after all? Well.
We could move on to dinner and find out.
That would be nice.
So.
We have one white wine for may, one beer for December.
Barbara don't! The microwave's on.
So what? Barbara, waves.
What a nut.
Hey, babes.
- Hi, daddy.
How was your date? - Fine.
You gonna go out with her again? Yeah, I think maybe I will.
What's her name? - Paige.
- Ooh, pretty name.
Has she ever been married before? - No.
- Ooh, she sounds perfect.
How old is she? Twenty-eight.
I have no reason to live.
Carol, will you stop that? Come on, you're making a big deal about nothing.
So? She's a few years younger than I am.
Daddy, she's a few years younger than I am.
The age difference between you two is over a quarter of a century.
Could we leave the word "century" out of this conversation, please? Barbara, please.
Tell your sister she's thinking crazy here.
Daddy, she's 25 years younger than you.
What is it with you two? So, Paige and I happen to have an age difference.
So what? She's bright, she's fun, I enjoy her company.
And I intend seeing her again.
And that, my dears, is the end of this.
Fine, daddy.
If you need me, I'll be upstairs.
I'm gonna go sit dangerously close to the TV.
Look what you and your little squeeze have done now.
Hey, Harry.
How's it going? Listen, Charley can I ask your opinion about something? Harry, come on.
This is Charley, your pal.
I'm always here for you, buddy.
So go ahead, ask away.
Oh, good.
Thanks a lot.
Listen.
Look, I went out tonight.
I had a date.
A blind date.
I'd like to see her again, it's just that Barbara and Carol have a problem with it because she's 28 years old.
Gross.
Charley, you of all people.
I thought for sure you'd be on my side.
Harry, get real.
This babe's in the prime of her life.
And they're about to ask you oak or pine.
What do we shake that thermometer down to, maggot? Exactly 96 degrees, nurse Todd.
That's right.
You got a girlfriend, corncob? Yes, nurse Todd.
Back home.
Not anymore, you don't! From now on, your sweetheart is that thermometer.
So what does your Mercury-fill mama say? You shook it too far, boy! You think you're pretty smart, don't you, corncob? This nurse trainee thinks he's competent, yes, ma'am.
Well, I've got my eye on you.
And one of these days you're gonna slip up.
And I'm gonna be all over you like sweet on a sailor.
- Huh? - I'll just be all over you.
- Good morning, Laverne.
- Good morning, doctor.
How was your date last night? Fine, thank you.
You don't say much about this Paige lady.
You must really like her.
You've been out together three times? That's right.
So what's wrong with her? Nothing.
Why do you ask? Oh, something's troublin' you 'bout this one.
I can always read you like a book.
- Well, no, Laverne - Uh-huh I know that twitch.
Put it together with that little nervous swallow and Why you a cradle-robbin' old goat! Laverne, I'm just going to assume you meant that in the best possible sense.
- Ah, Paige.
Hi.
- Hi.
Paige, Paige.
- This is Laverne.
- Hi.
Well, well, well.
When the bough breaks.
Harry, I'm sorry to come barging in, but I just had a giant fight with my parents.
I'm sorry, dear.
What happened? I told them about you and they were pretty upset.
Yeah, my daughters were a little upset about you, too.
Everyone's against our seeing each other, Harry.
Paige, come here.
I got an idea.
Now, our families have been judging us without ever having met us.
Why don't we get them all together? I mean, if my daughters were to meet you, and your parents were to meet me, they'd understand, they'd come around.
Look, if you give people a chance, they can be pretty open-minded.
Don't know why and don't know how.
Don't know why and don't know how.
Doctor's got some jailbait now.
Doctor's got some jailbait now.
- Sound off.
- sound off.
Girls, look, look.
I know you're not happy about meeting Paige and her parents and I want you to know that I really do appreciate the effort you're making.
I'm not gonna talk.
Carol, dear, these hors d'oeuvres, they look so lovely.
The joke's on you, daddy.
I didn't arrange them in my usual Fleur-de-Lis pattern.
It's my silent protest.
All right, now, girls, please now, let's be decent about this.
These people have been nice enough to come all the way over here to see us.
I don't want to meet these people! - Dad.
- Hi, Paige.
- Harry, hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Harry, I'd like you to meet my parents.
This is Gayle.
How are you doing? - And this is Pete.
- Hi there.
How are you? Well, it's really nice to meet I'd like you to meet my daughters.
- This is Barbara and Carol.
- Hi.
So, this is the den of inequity.
Actually, this is the living-room of inequity, the den would be back there.
Come in, please.
How about some refreshments, girls? Hors d'oeuvres? Oh, thank you.
They look lovely.
Ha.
Right.
Gayle.
Pete.
Paige.
Okay, well, this seems like as good a time as any to have a few words with all of you.
Now, Paige and I asked you over here so that you, the people who mean the most to us, could get to know us.
Okay, now.
It's true.
Paige and I do have a little, a little age difference.
Well, but the point is that age is not a factor with us.
When I look a Paige, I don't see a younger woman, and when she looks at me, she doesn't see an older man.
What we each see is someone we'd like to get to know better.
So we ask of you, those who love us, to do the same thing.
I mean, look past our ages and get to know us, and judge us for who we really are.
Come on, what do you say? Sorry for putting the straw on your wine.
It's all right.
I'll rearrange the hors d'oeuvres.
I didn't mean that crack before, about you being a lecher.
Oh.
You never called me a lecher.
Well, I did as we were walking up the driveway.
- Didn't I, Gayle? - Yes.
Okay, kid, you're out of here.
You blew up that girl's balloon mighty fast, corncob.
Yeah, I guess I did it when you weren't looking, nurse Todd.
When I wasn't lookin'? Corncob, I got eyes on the back of your head.
Did you make that girl blow up her own balloon? No, nurse Todd, of course not.
You did too, and that's Nancy Wheeler, she's got asthma.
Are you all right, Nancy? Boy, I've just about had it with you.
I want you to quit.
No, ma'am, I ain't quitting.
Mark my words, boy.
By the end of the day, you'll quit.
I don't know but I've been told.
I don't know but I've been told.
Rubber sheets are hard to fold.
Rubber sheets are hard to fold.
- Gettin' tired, corncob? - No, nurse Todd.
- I can't hear you! - No, nurse Todd! You ready to quit now, corncob? No, ma'am.
I've done some checkin' on you.
I know about your mama.
Don't be eyeballin' me, boy.
I know about your mama droppin' out of nursing school.
That deep down inside, you know you ain't cut out to be a registered nurse.
Isn't that right? No, ma'am, no, ma'am.
That's the last of the thermometers.
That's all the oral ones.
Hey, Cornell, give it up, man.
You know you ain't cut out to be a registered nurse.
You ain't got the right stuff.
Ma'am, this trainee believes he'd make a good registered nurse.
Well, tell it to the red cross, corncob.
Now tell me what I wanna hear.
I want you to quit.
I ain't gonna quit.
Oh, come on, you want to.
And then afterwards, you and your mama can sign up to be school nurses together, huh? No, ma'am.
- Quit! - I ain't gonna quit! All right, then! You can forget it, you're out! Don't you do it! I have nowhere else to go! A nurse is all I ever wanted to be! All right, Cornell.
On your feet.
Come on, I'll show you where we keep the disinfectant.
Oh, Mel torme! That was a great concert, wasn't it? Great.
Harry.
Harry.
What? Maybe I didn't like the concert as much as I said.
You mean you faked the standing ovation? How about we have some coffee and watch TV? Blue velvet is on cable tonight.
You didn't like blue velvet? I mean, call me old-fashioned, but if you're gonna show me a severed ear with bugs in it, at least play a peppy tune.
I see.
Okay, so.
You didn't like my music.
And I'm not too crazy about your movies.
Okay, that's good.
- It is? - Yeah.
Yeah.
This is how you build relationship.
You find out what the other person likes and doesn't like, and now we have a couple of don't likes, let's trawl around for a couple of likes.
Sushi.
Keep on trawling.
Downhill skiing? Golf.
Uh, no.
- Long drives.
- Ah.
Open sports car, doing 90 miles per hour.
Volvo station wagon, airbag.
No.
Harry, we must have something in common.
I mean, something kept us together in spite of what everyone thought.
I know, it seemed the more they were against us, the more we wanted to see each other.
What is it? I think I have just discovered what it is we have in common.
What? We hate people telling us what to do.
It was us against them, you see? But we were having so much fun proving everybody's wrong about us, that we didn't take the time to notice that We have very little in common.
That's what this was all about, huh? I'm afraid so, dear.
Sorry I didn't notice this sooner, but then I'm old and feeble.
It was fun, Harry.
That it's been, dear.
All right.
Bye, Paige.
Bye, Harry.
She wore blue velvet no, no, Nancy.
That's my job.
Here you go.
And remember, Nancy.
Make a friend of soap and water.
Thanks.
He's nice.
Nurse trainee, fall in.
You have completed your trainin'.
All that remains is for the doctor to review you.
Doctor, we're ready for you! He's tough, but fair.
Yes, Laverne, what is it? Doctor, the nurse trainee is ready for inspection.
He looks all right, I don't know.
Thank you, doctor.
Congratulations.
Registered nurse Cornell.
I'll never forget you, nurse Todd.
I know.
I wouldn't have made it if it weren't for you.
Go on, and get the hell out of here.
I'll go get my gear.
Well, I guess I'm done here.
What? Oh, well, I hope you picked up a couple of things.
That I did, doctor Weston.
That I did.
They always leave here with a name tag and a little piece of me.
I wish he'd left with all of you.