Family Ties (1982) s03e18 Episode Script

ELYSE Last week onFamily Ties, the whole family was down at WKS helping Steven on the final night of pledge week.
## WKS, you're the one ## Oh, no way.
No, don't touch a thing.
Don't do anything until I get there.
I've gotta go home.
We've got major plumbing problems.
Oh, Steven, I don't want you to miss my song.
Don't worry.
I'll only be gone a little bit.
There's plenty of time before you go on.
Gus, I'll be back in a few minutes.
Well, I guess I'll rehearse.
Okay, Elyse.
You're on after the magician.
Well Well, I don't wanna sing if Steven's not here.
We'll clap really loud no matter how bad you sing.
Hey.
Your wife's on television.
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Wow.
She really nailed it that time.
I think I'm going into labor.
Labor? Steven, if you're watching, meet me at the hospital.
Elyse, I'll be there in 15 minutes.
Be there in ten minutes! Ten minutes, and I'll get your suitcase.
A- and don't forget my suitcase! Stop nagging.
I'm coming.
## I'll bet We've been together ## ## For a million years ## ## And I'll bet We'll be together ## ## For a million more ## ## Ooh, it's like I started breathin' ## ## On the night we kissed ## ## And I can't remember ## ## What I ever did before ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## And there ain't No nothin' ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## Sha-la-la-la ## I thought I'd anticipated every possible situation.
Prepared for every contingency.
But I never expected my wife would go into labor on television.
Well, that's the one most people overlook.
Oh.
Come in.
Oh, Mr.
Keaton.
Ah, boy.
Were you watching TV just now? Yes, Skippy.
I saw the whole thing.
Was it not amazing? A mid-court shot at the buzzer.
Phew! Skippy, what are you talking about? The basketball game.
What are you talking about? Mrs.
Keaton just went into labor! Oh.
Heh.
Imagine that.
We were talking about two completely different things.
Mrs.
Keaton's going into labor! Wait a minute.
That means she's gonna have the baby! Who are you? I'm the plumber.
Shouldn't you be a doctor? I'm not here to deliver a baby.
I'm here to fix the plumbing.
You're doing a nice job.
So, uh, tell me, where's Mrs.
Keaton? Mrs.
Keaton just went into labor down at the TV station.
That's where Mr.
Keaton is going now.
Now? Oh it's really snowing outside.
Why doesn't he just stay home here with us and watch it on TV? All right! I think I have everything: ChapStick, towels, lollipops, a fan, uh, two tennis balls and a bottle of champagne.
Where you going, Club Med? Bud, you do whatever you need to do to fix this plumbing.
We're gonna have a baby! So who won the basketball game? I don't know.
It went into overtime.
So what do you wanna do? You wanna watch the basketball game, or you wanna watch Mrs.
Keaton giving birth? We'll flip back and forth.
Oh.
The damn car is stuck in the snow.
Skippy, Bud, you mind giving me a hand pushing it out? Oh, sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh-oh.
What? You don't have tire chains in that Lamaze bag of yours, you're not going anywhere.
You want me to check? What do you mean, Bud? I didn't know it was snowing that hard out.
You'll never get your car out of there.
Well No.
This is terrible.
All right.
Mr.
Keaton, we'll take my bike.
No.
We'll take my truck.
I got chains on.
And besides, I never get stuck.
Good.
All right.
Come on, kid.
You better come with us in case we get stuck.
But you said you Shut up, kid.
Shotgun! Skippy! I got shotgun.
Okay.
All right, Mom.
All right.
Just stay calm, okay?! The important thing here is thatyoustay calm! I can, uh, handle everything.
Well, I can't handle everything.
But if youstay calm, we're okay.
Alex, why don't you stay calm? Okay, fair enough.
That's a start.
We should stop standing around and get Mom to the hospital.
Hospital.
Hospital.
Good.
Uh, Jen.
Uh, let's get the coats.
All right.
Does it hurt, Mom? No.
No, it's not bad.
Just a little twinge now and then.
You know, it's funny.
I could've sworn this wouldn't be till next month.
Um, is there anything I can do to help? Yeah, start thinking of names.
We don't have one.
Um, how about "Early" Keaton? How you feeling, Elyse? Well, I'll tell you, Gus, I don't think I'm gonna finish my song.
Oh, boy, boy, boy.
Those pledges have been pouring in like crazy.
I mean, that audience really got excited when you went into labor.
Man, we should do this every year.
Don't look at me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.
Listen, Elyse has gone into labor.
Now, she can't finish her song.
You've gotta go back on, okay? This is my big chance.
My big break.
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Keaton.
Thank you.
Anytime.
Okay, Mom.
All right.
Let's go.
I'll drive.
Uh, you ready? I couldn't be readier.
All right, let's go.
Okay.
Ah.
Ah.
Oh.
There she goes, ladies and gentlemen.
Huh? You know, I love new babies, 'cause they're the only people who haven't heard my jokes.
Hey, uh, any new babies in the audience? Huh? Raise your rattles.
Ha-ha.
Hey, how many of you babies are from out of town, huh? Hey, that was fast.
Was it a boy or a girl? Well, uh We can't leave.
The guard said the roads are impassable.
We're, uh, gonna have to try again in a little while, Mom.
I'm afraid not.
Things are happening a lot faster than I thought.
I'm not going anywhere.
Ah, Mom, will you just control yourself? I'm doing the best I can.
Ah Ah, Gus, what are we gonna do? I'm not sure.
But just don't panic, okay? Right.
Okay.
Don't panic.
Don't panic.
Don't panic.
Is there a doctor in the house?! Anywhere! That's a good question.
Is there a doctor here? Because if there is, I've got this Uh, no.
Jackie.
thing in my back No.
Please, is there a doctor in the house? Yeah.
Uh, maybe I can help you.
I'm Dr.
Witt.
What? Witt.
Wow.
Mom, we have a doctor.
Right here.
Oh, thank God.
Uh, I j You're the one who's pregnant, right? Yeah, I Are you an obstetrician? A botanist.
A botanist? Yeah.
Plants.
Hubert Witt, Ph.
D.
You mean you're not a real doctor? I resent that.
Uh, look, no offense.
It's just that we need somebody to help us deliver a baby.
But how different can it be, you know? A bee carries pollen from flower to flower.
A man, a woman Uh, no.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Boy, you try to help people and Dr.
Witt, ladies and gentlemen.
The plant doctor.
Mom, what are we gonna do? I Mom, couldn't you and Dad have planned this little event for the summer? Maybe next time.
Next time? Look.
We have no choice.
I think we're gonna have to have the baby here.
And we'll be back with that baby in just a few minutes.
Uh, excuse me.
My name is Erwin Handleman.
We're having a baby.
He's carrying low.
Not Not me.
Him.
Hi.
I'm Steven Keaton.
I'm his neighbor.
And I'm his plumber.
Well, that's everyone we need.
Let's get you three into delivery.
My wife is the one who's having the baby.
She's already here.
Her name is Elyse Keaton.
One moment.
That's with a K.
Well, I'm sorry, Mr.
Keaton, but your wife isn't registered in this hospital.
That's impossible.
She's in labor.
And thisis our hospital.
Uh, she's probably in Delivery right now.
Probably took her right in Uh, Mr.
Keaton I'm sorry, sir, but no Elyse Keaton has been admitted.
Thanks for your help, Don.
They should all go as well as that one did.
Oh Dr.
Alexander? Hi.
Steven Keaton.
How is she? Oh.
Hi, Steven.
Oh, she's fine.
Just fine.
And the baby? A 7-pound girl.
Congratulations, Mr.
Keaton! Congratulations.
Wonderful.
A girl.
Can I Can I see her now? I didn't know you knew the Dorfmans.
Th The The Dorfmans? Uh, n Not Elyse? No.
Is Elyse here? She was down at the station.
I was at home checking on the plumbing, and I saw her go into labor on television.
Hm.
We'd better get down there.
I'll go get my things.
But she She could be on her way over here.
I'd better call, see what's going on.
Nice hospital, kid.
Were you born here? Me? Oh, I- I don't know.
I was adopted so I wasn't at my birth.
Uh Look.
Uh, Mr.
Keaton.
Look there on the TV.
Not now, Skippy.
I'm trying to call my wife.
ELYSE Steven, if you're watching, I couldn't make it to the hospital.
I'm still here at the station.
Don't go to the hospital.
But I'm already at the hospital.
Come right to the station, Steven.
Are you out th That was Elyse Keaton, ladies and gentlemen, who is in labor at this very moment.
Now, tell me, when was the last time you saw something like that on commercial television? So let's keep those pledges coming in.
Yeah.
Uh, Steven, if you If you can hear me, I- I-I'm at the station.
Don't go to the hospital.
Now, that number is All right.
Try that number.
Tell her I'm on my way.
Doc! Bud! Skippy! Come on! those phones are just Oh! ringing off their hooks.
Thank you for your generosity.
And if that line is busy please keep trying.
Okay, Mom.
Now, just relax.
Okay.
It's dark in here.
Oh, no.
The power's out.
Mom, what are we gonna do? It's back on.
What a break.
Okay, Mom.
Just take it easy.
Just relax.
We'll handle everything.
Okay.
You just gotta tell us one thing What? Tell us what to do.
Well, uh, for now, all we can do is keep track of the contractions.
See how far apart they are.
And that'll let us know how soon the baby's gonna come.
I got it, Mom.
I bet these are the first contractions ever to be timed on a Duran Duran watch.
It's same as any other watch, Mallory.
See, when the big Duran's on the 9 and the little Duran's on the 8 Here, Elyse.
I brought you ice water.
Oh, thank you, Gus.
Oh, Elyse.
Thanks to you, we've set an all-time record for pledges.
Over $70,000.
You know, Robert Mathison says he'll pledge $1,000 if you'll have a boy.
What do you think of that, huh? Well, I I'll do my best.
Oh, thank you.
But I've gotta get back.
Mom.
H-how can you be so calm? You are about to have a baby in a In a nonmedical, nonprofessional nonprofit environment.
Well, it It could be worse, honey.
It If I-I'm in a familiar setting, I I'm surrounded by my family.
Sure, my husband's not here, but got a picture of him.
Oh.
C-contraction.
Uh, Mallory, Jennifer, how How far apart are they? Uh, about 3 feet.
No.
I meant the contractions.
They're about Oh! Ten minutes! Uh, 10 minutes! Mom.
Do you know what this means? What does this mean? Alex, listen.
Please.
I'm depending on you.
I need you, all right? All right.
Jennifer, Mallory, find Gus.
Tell him we need some blankets, sheets, towels and hot water.
Oh, and, uh, they do a medical show, right? Oh On stage 2? They got a gurney down there.
Find some guys in the crew and bring it up here, okay? Okay.
Hey, you could use this to time Mom's contractions.
See, when the big Duran's on the 8 and the little Duran's on the 7 Jennifer.
and the Je Uh, I'll use my own watch, okay? It's got numbers.
Okay, Mom I'm gonna stay here with you.
Now, that's more like it.
I'm calm.
We're organized.
I feel better already.
Okay.
Changed your mind yet? Need an expert? Well, I I think I'm well within my rights not to be examined by a botanist.
Young lady, the reproductive processes can be remarkably similar in totally different species.
When were you last watered? Uh, doc Uh, doc, thanks Thanks very much for your concern.
And, uh, we appreciate it, but we really don't think there's anything you can do to help.
Okay, okay.
I'm leaving.
Good luck, Mrs.
Keaton.
Try to keep her near the window.
Make sure she gets plenty of sunlight.
Hello? Oh, honey, thank goodness you called! Where are you? I need you! You are? Well, uh I'll I'll do my best, but they're You will? Okay, sweetheart.
I love you.
Okay, bye.
Who was that? That was your dad.
Oh.
He's on his way here with Dr.
Alexander.
A- and Skippy and the plumber are with him.
Oh, what a relief.
For a second there, I thought the plumber wasn't gonna make it.
I'm not even sure that they'll make it.
He He called from a payphone.
He said that the traffic and that the storm is terrible.
Well, uh, here.
Well, I'm I'm here with you, Mom.
I gotta admit it, Alex.
I'm getting a little scared.
Yeah.
Well, uh, Mom I know exactly how you feel.
Well, not exactly.
But, uh I know this can't be easy for you.
This is not the way it's supposed to be.
There's supposed to be a doctor here.
There's supposed to be a husband here.
There's supposed to be a hospital here.
Uh, look, Mom I'm sorry that I panicked earlier.
It It's just that I don't know, whenever there's a problem or Or a crisis of some kind, it's always you or Dad who handle it.
I mean, this is a new world for me.
Well, it suits you, honey.
Thanks, Mom.
Well, uh, you've done this birth thing before, so you just tell me what you need.
Well, for now, uh all I need is for you to be supportive, comforting and strong.
And if there's time, go to medical school.
Bud, when do you think we'll get there? Well, Mr.
Keaton, we're doing 2 miles an hour.
The next exit is three miles down the road.
By my best calculations, we should get there, uh Thursday Friday by the latest.
Ah.
Oh, great.
Now we're not even moving.
Dr.
Alexander, what if we can't get there in time? All I can say, Steven, is I mean, it's not ideal, but billions of women have given birth without a doctor's aid.
It's a completely natural function, and your wife is a very healthy woman.
There's every reason to believe that she'll be fine.
Thank you, doc.
I feel better.
Clear the road! We're having a baby! It's no use.
Oh, Mr.
Keaton, you gotta calm down.
You heard what the doctor said.
Mrs.
Keaton's gonna be fine.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Your wife don't need you hanging around while she's having that kid.
Yeah.
Heck, my wife had six kids without me.
Well, you know what I mean.
Bud, I I know it's possible for her to have a baby if I'm not there.
But Elyse and I are a team.
We, uh wanna bring this baby into the world together.
After all, moments like this don't happen every day.
This'll probably be the last baby we ever have.
I I just wanna be there with her.
Clear the road! Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Okay, Mom.
Got everything.
Got the towels, the sheets, the hot water.
I asked around for lollipops, but the best I could do was a six-pack of Bud and some chewing tobacco.
I'll take the tobacco.
Is there anything else, Mom? Well Okay, I'd really like to lie down now.
Could you check on the gurney? Well, I'll get it, Mom.
Uh, Jen, why don't you and, uh, two Durans come with me.
Hey.
Try not to have the baby until I come back.
Okay, Mom? All right.
You're gonna do great.
I know you are.
Thank you, honey.
Uh Oh.
You're really having the baby.
Yeah.
You know, for the first time, it's starting to seem real to me.
You're not the only one.
You know, when I think of having babies myself someday, I get real nervous.
What makes you nervous? Oh.
I don't know.
Everything about it.
I mean, how do you know what to do when the baby won't fall asleep? Well, you just You follow your instincts.
Well, how do you know what to do when the baby won't stop crying? Well, you'll know when it happens.
I mean, I don't even know what to say when your baby tells you she's old enough to stay out past midnight.
Forget it, Mallory.
Thought I could slip that by you.
No.
Oh, Mom, you're gonna be a terrific mother for this baby.
Mm.
And I know that if I have kids someday, if I turn out to be a great mother, it's 'cause I had a great mother like you.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Here you go, Elyse.
Everything you need to become a new mother.
Except the baby.
You have to supply that.
Okay, now, let's, uh Let's get you onto this bed.
Ah, yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
Mom, grab around my neck there.
All right.
Let me try it another way.
Uh Uh Okay.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you, that's better.
It's the least we could do, Mom.
Oh, hi! Oh, honey.
I'm sorry we're late.
We stopped for a bite to eat.
Good going, Elyse.
We're almost there.
Oh, thank God.
Well, you're doing fine, Elyse.
Thank you, Steven.
I'm so glad you're here.
Oh, me too.
Wouldn't seem right having the baby without you.
Oh, it wouldn't have felt right to me if you weren't here.
Oh! Oh! Here it comes! push! Here it comes! Push.
Good girl, Elyse.
Here it comes.
Push! Push! Go, baby.
Come on.
Oh.
We did it.
You have a beautiful baby boy.
Oh, Steven.
Oh.
A boy, Elyse.
A boy! Now we have two of each.
Now, wait a minute.
Let me see.
One, two Yeah, two of each! Two of each.
You wanna go for the tiebreaker? Not tonight, honey.
I had a long drive.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, he's beautiful.
Like his mother.
Oh, no, Steven.
Look, he has your eyes.
Maybe those are my eyes, but that is your nose.
I'd know it anywhere.
You were great, Elyse.
Oh, thank you, love.
Oh, so were you.
Can we come in? We heard a baby.
Uh, we thought it might be yours.
Come on in.
Oh, wow.
It's a boy.
Thank you! Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh! Oh.
If we could handle Alex, we can handle him.
No problem.
Wow.
Oh, wow.
It's a boy.
Oh.
Aww Congratulate me, Bud.
I'm a neighbor for the fourth time.
Bud, I never would have gotten here in time if it weren't for you.
Think nothing of it, Mr.
Keaton.
I'm not even gonna charge you for the overtime.
Come on, neighbor.
Come on, plumber.
Let's leave this family alone for a while.
Oh, he's so cute.
Yeah.
He looks just like me.
Oh! Oh, great.