Friends s03e18 Episode Script

What's so funny? Nothing.
It's an acting exercise.
I'm practicing my fake laugh.
What? What's so funny? No, no.
There's none of that in here.
Come on.
At least let me finish this last one.
Only if you give me a drag.
Oh, dark mother, once again I suckle at your smoky teat.
Why don't you hold on to that one.
That's like the least fun game ever.
I'm sick of your smoking, so I brought something.
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that is going to help you quit.
That patch is no good.
It's a hypnosis tape.
A woman at work used it for two weeks and hasn't smoked since.
What's your problem? Nothing.
It's just that hypnosis is beyond crap.
I watched you get hypnotized in Atlantic City.
That guy did not hypnotize me, okay? You always pull your pants down and play "Wipe Out" on your butt.
Forget hypnosis.
The way to quit smoking is to dance naked in a field of heather.
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and then bathe in the sweat of six healthy, young men.
Or what my father calls "Thursday night.
" The One With the Hypnosis Tape .
:staz:.
(staz@post.
cz) -Here you go.
-I didn't want cinnamon on this.
Sorry.
Oh, my God! Frank! How are you? What are you doing here? I would've called, but I lost your number.
And then my mom locked me out of the house, so I couldn't find it.
Then I tried to find a pay phone, and the receiver was cut off.
What happened? vandalism.
But also, what happened between you and your mom? We got in a fight.
She said that I was too immature to get married.
You're getting married? My little brother's getting married! I knew you'd be so cool about this.
Do you wanna meet her? Do l? Do you? Yeah, I do.
Cool, all right.
She's just parking the truck.
I gonna go get my fiancée, man! I'd have bet good money that he'd be the first one of us to get married.
Isn't it fantastic? Don't you think he's a little young to get married? Well, he's 1 8.
It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Yeah, or to get a hooker.
Always illegal, Joe.
This is my fiancée.
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Mrs.
Knight.
That's my sister.
You know, it's funny.
Frank told me so much about you, but you're not how I pictured you at all.
Yeah, I'm a big surprise.
Here, grab a seat.
So how did you guys meet? I was in Mrs.
Knight's.
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I mean, Alice.
Sorry.
I always do that.
I was in her home-ec class.
He was my best student.
She was my best teacher.
If that doesn't keep kids in school, what will? And so now you guys are gonna be married? We talked about just living together.
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but we want kids right away.
Oh, my God! Great! Kids.
Frank, are you sure you're ready for that? How hard can it be? You know, I mean, babies.
Who doesn't want babies? Right? And besides, I never had a dad around.
And now I always will, because it'll be me.
Really, we do realize that there's an age difference between us.
Good.
Because you were acting like you didn't.
But when it comes to love, what does age matter? You are falling fast asleep.
Deeper, deeper, deeper.
You are now completely asleep.
You don 't need to smoke.
Cigarettes don 't control you.
You are a strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke.
A strong, confident woman.
You know what? I realized in the last year I've only gone out with Richard and Julio.
You gotta help me out, set me up.
Get me back in the game.
Not a problem.
I work in fashion, and all I meet are eligible straight men.
Can I get you something else? Cheesecake and a date, if you're giving them out.
Haven't we covered that topic? You just said to her-- You wanna go out with me.
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because of my wig, the big boobs, and I serve you food.
If that were true, I'd be dating my Aunt Ruth.
And the two times we went out, it was plain awkward.
You think she should go out with me, don't you? You sure you wanna go out with her? That ain't a pretty picture in the morning.
That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the nightstand.
Think about it.
Oh, I will.
No, I know.
I know that this is Frank's life.
I don't wanna be judgmental, but it's sick.
It's sick and wrong! What, is it the age thing? I'm fine with the age thing.
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until it sticks its tongue down my brother's throat.
Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it.
You think he'll enjoy it when he's up to his elbows in diapers.
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of all the babies they have to have right away? This is not fair to Frank, and it's not fair to the babies.
You know what? It's not good home economics.
Have you told him how you feel? Yes.
Not out loud.
If you don't tell him, soon he'll be married, then you'll hate yourself.
Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he's gonna hate myself.
Look at him and his mom.
I can't.
But you guys can.
You talk him out of it.
Come on, you guys.
You have nothing to lose.
I have everything to lose.
Do you want me to lose everything? Everything? Okay, I'm gonna go get Frank.
We're walking down the street, and I turn to you and say: "Let's go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes.
" Remember? And then you say, "Let's just hang out at your place.
" Well, that was a nice move, dumb ass.
I think you should go out with this guy.
He doesn't do anything for me.
Last Saturday night, what happened on Walker, Texas Ranger? Walker was looking for this big busload of kids.
All right, I get your point.
I forgot the combination to this about a year ago.
I just carry it around.
You got any Chap Stick? How are those tapes working out? Good.
I haven't smoked yet today.
I feel great and confident.
That is a stunning blouse.
Thank you.
-Here you go.
-Thanks.
Let's give Pete a chance.
He was funny.
He seems really nice.
That check thing was adorable.
What check thing? As a joke, this customer who has a crush on me, gave me a $20,000 tip.
His number's on the check.
He did it so I'd call.
Pete Becker.
Pete-- Is this him? That's Bill Clinton.
Who's he hugging? Oh, my God.
That's Pete.
Why is Bill hugging Pete? This guy invented Moss 865.
Every office in the world uses that program.
-We use it! -There you go! Monica's gonna go out with a millionaire.
I'm not gonna go out with him.
I can't believe this is a real $20,000 check.
This is so exciting.
Or incredibly offensive.
Yeah, sure.
That too.
What? All we're saying is, don't rush into anything.
Come on, think about it.
You're 1 8.
She's 44.
When you're 36, she's gonna be 88.
You don't think I know that? The point is.
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there's a lot of women you haven't had sex with yet.
He's right.
He's right.
This is your time.
You're young.
You're weird.
Chicks dig that.
Isn't sex better when it's with one person that you really care about? Yeah, in a poem, maybe.
No, the man's right.
That's what I had with Rachel.
Not anymore? No.
I slept with someone else.
So wait.
So how did that make things better? It didn't.
What you used to have with Rachel is what I got with Alice.
Now, what is that like? It's so cool, man.
It's because being with her is so much better than not being with her.
-Why can't I find that? -I had it and I blew it.
Well, I want it! You can have it.
Maybe there's something wrong with me.
No, it's out there, man.
I've seen it! I got it! -Then, you hold on to it! -All right, man! All right! Congratulations, you lucky bastard! You're Frank's best man? I couldn't help it.
Their love is so pure.
What about you, huh? I'm the ring bearer.
I'm so glad you could come.
I've got a real home-ec emergency.
Oh, my God.
Who died on this? It's a real "mustard-tastrophe.
" Can you help? Absolutely.
First, we'll start with a little club soda and salt.
-Then if that doesn't work-- -Forget it.
It's ruined.
Never say that.
If you can't get it out, cut around the stain.
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add a little lace, you make a stylish throw.
Or instead, maybe you could just not marry my brother, Frank? Can we make it smaller? Make it fit on the head of a pin? I love when we make things fit on the head of a pin.
You have Monica Geller here.
Absolutely.
Yeah, send her in.
What the hell is this? Hang on for a sec.
I'll talk to you in the morning? You got it.
I'm sorry.
What? What's this supposed to mean? Well, you know, I never know how much to tip.
You double the tax.
Not double the tax of Romania.
Are you buying me? ls this how you get girls to go out with you? I'm still here.
You're taking this wrong.
If I didn't leave you that tip.
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you wouldn't have come, we wouldn't have this argument.
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and there wouldn't be this heat between us.
You gotta admit that our relationship is hitting a new level now.
You were the chef and I was the customer.
But now we're this couple that fights.
You're a loon.
Look, forget the check, okay? I like you.
I think you're great.
Come on, what do you say? I don't know.
Why not? I don't wanna encourage this behavior.
One meal.
That's all I'm asking for.
Please? We go out, we eat.
If you don't have a good time, I'll give you 1 0 grand, we're even.
Wait, no.
Just put the mail down.
It's me.
Sorry.
Why were you just all in the dark? Your laundry smelled so good that I thought I'd curl up in it.
-Is that all right? -Yeah, sure.
So how was your day? It's just probably the worst one since I've been alive.
What happened? Alice.
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She called it off.
Did she say why? No.
Just that I was too young.
I don't see how I could suddenly be too young.
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because I'm older than I was when we first got together.
I don't know.
But you know what? Maybe it's just all for the best.
Well, yeah, if the best is like unbelievable pain.
Oh, sweetie.
You know, I was just finally happy.
For the first time in my life.
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after my dad left me.
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and then getting arrested for stealing those birds.
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and then the whole punctured-lung thing.
It's still really hard to take deep breaths in cold weather.
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but with Alice, all that stuff kind of went away.
And now it's gone, and I don't know why.
Well, I can tell you why.
It's because of me.
But you know what? I only did it because I love you, okay? What? I kind of had a little chat with Alice.
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and I sort of made her see why you two shouldn't be together.
And you'll see it too, one day.
You really, really will.
Wait a minute.
This is because of you? My mother didn't want us to be together.
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but the worst thing she did was tie me to the porch.
I came to you because I thought you'd understand.
I would storm out of here.
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if I had some money or a place to go.
Oh, my God! The millionaire's here! Oh, my God! I'm just gonna have dinner with him.
Okay, just because he buys you dinner does not mean you owe him anything.
I know.
Okay, then get the lobster.
How much cash you got in your pocket now? And that's why I'm not inviting you in for a drink.
Why not? Hey, come in for drink.
-Where do you wanna go? -You like pizza? -That sounds great.
-I know a great little place.
You're not paying for the pizza.
Come on, it's only fair.
You paid for the flight.
Is that enough lira? I'd throw another 1 000 on that.
-How much is that? -That's about 60 cents.
Every night! You don 't need to smoke.
Cigarettes don 't control you.
You are a strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke.
A strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke.
Look, I know that you think I did this totally evil thing.
But I so didn't.
Someone's here who can explain this better than I can.
Hi, Mrs.
Knight.
Phoebe's right, Frank.
It's hard to hear, but it would've been wrong to go through with it.
I was being selfish.
Even though we want the same things right now.
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in the future, we may not.
-Is that what it is? -Yes, but not just that.
Not just that.
Even though we love each other as much as we do.
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nonetheless.
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Nonetheless.
You're too young.
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to really know what you want.
That's right, exactly.
That's a goodbye kiss.
That's good.
Bye-bye.
The important thing is, is that you see what I'm saying.
This is clearly wrong.
I've decided I'm gonna let this happen.
Can I just get my purse? Okay, all right, good.
Cigarettes don 't control you.
You are a strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke.
Joey's your best friend.
You wanna make him a cheese sandwich every day.
And you also wanna buy him hundreds of dollars worth ofpants.