Happy Endings s03e18 Episode Script

Okay, why did Max want us to meet him here? He said he finally figured out a way to open the unbreakable piñata.
Aah! Oh! Did it work?! - Nope.
- That was dangerous.
Yeah! Oh.
- Oh, boy.
- Get the candy! Get the candy! It seems like a lot of work for some off-brand candy.
Two musketeers? Reestie's peanut butter klormps? Wait, I got skittles! Nope.
Skin-nuls.
I think there's glass in my senior mints.
And my sophomore mints.
Even the ingredients are bunk.
This says it has artishishal flavoring.
Ugh.
All right, we'll bite.
We'll bite.
All right, fine.
Out with it.
Guys, this chef I know really likes my truck don't look surprised.
And he offered me a job at Knife.
Dave, congratulations! I love that restaurant.
They have a lot of food there.
So you gonna take it? I don't know.
I can't decide.
I mean, I love being my own boss, but owning a food truck's a lot of pressure.
Maybe it's time I tried my hand at the stationary restaurant game.
You mean, the restaurant game? Okay, all right.
Okay, I'd be happy to help you make a pros and cons list, Dave.
I mean, making lists is my number one turn-on after tables of contents, recipe conversions oh, my God.
I'm making a list.
I am so turnt.
And I could review your financials - without becoming aroused.
- Mm.
Who am I kidding? I had me at "review.
" Guys, do I want advice of people guessing at the future? Or do I want advice from Tami, my psychic? Dave, for a leading man-type, you've partake in some really outlandish behavior.
You don't understand.
Tami is the best.
She helps me with all my big decisions.
What is it with you two? Alex and the ghosts.
You and the psychic.
Oh, no! No, do not lump me in with this bullcorn.
Ghosts are real, just like warlocks and doulas.
I am on the fence about chupacabra.
Not saying they're real, not saying they're not.
They're real.
Do you even know what "on the fence" means? What? Are you bringing anybody to my wedding? I only ask because I like saying the words "my wedding.
" Mnh, no date.
Wilson dumped me, - based on some real trumped up hygiene charges.
- I doubt that.
- Hi, guys! - Aah! Aah! What in the hell?! - Hi.
- Oh, my God, Penny.
Is that an engagement ring? Ah! What? This old, priceless family heirloom that my hot fiancee's grandmother smuggled out of the old country? I mean, I guess "engagement ring" is the acceptable nomenclature.
Oh, my God.
I saw you four months ago.
You weren't even dating anybody.
This is so exciting! - I know.
- A whirlwind romance.
Ah.
You just knew in your gut right away.
It's so romantic.
Oh, my God! I'm so happy for you! Thank you! You're so sweet! Can you believe that bitch?! Now I'm sorry.
I'm not hearing the bitchy part, and my bitch-dar is pretty rock solid.
You are not fooling me, one-armed surfer girl.
Max, tell her how mean she was! I'm not great at reading signals or understanding basic human contact But all the lady sounds she was making seemed pretty nice.
"Whirlwind romance"? Subtext "you're moving too fast, you clingy tramp.
" She doesn't know.
We're moving at the perfect pace.
Forget Daphne.
You and Pete have a lifetime to get know each other.
- Eh-squeeze? - Why would you say that? We already know each other just fine, as well as any other couple.
Of course you do.
I mean Not any couple.
Brad and I have known each other ten years.
You've known Pete four months.
Oh, so now you think I'm moving too fast? I'm not.
No, I didn't say that.
Oh, for your info, I bet Pete and I know each other a lot better than you and Brad do.
Okay.
Slow it down, Jackie joyner-crazy.
You really think that? Yeah, and I'll prove it.
- How? - Couples game night.
I thought we weren't gonna do couples game nights anymore after The Jane.
Yes! Yes! I win! I win! I win! Game over! I win! Always win! Off! I win.
Winners don't get touched.
Ugh, what a nightmare.
I wouldn't be caught dead at that stupid game night.
Good, 'cause you're not invited.
Couples only.
Dead or alive, I will be at that game night.
Damn it! Oh! Disaster alert! My psychic Tami moved to Arizona.
Now how am I supposed to decide what to do about this job? Can't she just advise you over the phone? She has to read my energy in person.
Don't you know how science works? Hey.
Hey.
You know I don't.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I have to give Knife an answer by tomorrow.
Dave, most times when people have a big decision to make, they just talk to someone that they trust And love.
I know, but my Nana's too busy with her new boyfriend.
Apparently Howard's the toast of the retirement community.
He can shower without a chair.
Right.
Well, why why don't you just come to game night and try and get some space from it? You know, that's a pretty good idea coming from a person who thought Skymall was an actual mall in the sky.
If we can put a man on the moon, I am pretty sure we can put a chico's in the clouds.
I'm really excited for game night tonight.
It should be a lot of fun and - Pete? - Ow.
This game night is huge, okay? Huge.
I mean, we're just here to have fun and win - and have funby winning.
- Okay.
Okay, then it's settled.
We'll stop at nothing to win.
And I'm so glad we brought this bottle of Merlot 'cause it's my fave, and you should know that in case it comes up in there.
Okay? Yeah.
Okay.
Pete? Huh? I love the sound your grandma's ring makes on the bottle when I clink it.
I wish I would've met your grandma.
Grandma Tom? Grandma mm? Ma tee.
.
Tee - Rose.
Her name was Rose.
- Rose! Of course.
I'm so forgetful.
I'm such an aries.
Do you wanna write any of these facts about me down? Aren't you on the cusp of aries? 'Cause you were born on the 22nd.
How'd you know that? Because I know you're into the astrology stuff, so I looked into it.
And I know your birthday because I'm your fiancee.
- Aw! - Mmm come on.
- We got this.
- Yeah, we do.
Oh, we don't need to knock around here.
Oh.
Winners win and losers lose, and alcoholics, they just booze! They win at drinking, that's their thing! But our thing's always just winning! We're Brad and Jane, let's start this game! 'Sup, suckers? Oh.
Unh-unh.
- I'm cool.
- You good? I'm cool.
We got this.
Ohh.
I'm sorry, Alex.
Without Tami, I can't even make small decisions.
I got six different kinds of chips.
Well, we'll definitely need more.
But if you need help making decisions, there's an obvious person you can talk to.
Oh, my God.
The answer's been in front of me of this whole time.
Thank you! Let's start by talking that tarot card reader! Now it's not Tami, but sometimes in life you gotta take chances.
You know who taught me that? Tami.
I miss her every single day.
It's been one day.
Okay, Alex and Dave are late, but we are not gonna wait for them.
Nope.
The first game is called ready, set, couples! A fast-paced relationship game where Brad and Jane will kick your ass.
Mmm! - It doesn't really say that.
- Then why did you say it then? 'Cause I wanted to.
Look what the cat dragged in.
I know you didn't want me at your little couples game night, but what you don't count on was the extent of my loneliness.
So I am here with my buddy Scotty.
Is he straight? Yeah.
Is he crazy? Almost definitely.
But does he do an amazingly spot-on condoleezza rice impression? The united nations of farts.
No, he does not.
All right, whatever.
Sit down.
You can play.
All right, round one.
Oh, favorite color.
Okay, Max, Penny, and Brad, you write down your favorite color, and we guess.
All right, babe.
You have a lovely home.
Okay.
Here we go.
Pete What's penny's favorite color? - Okay.
- I'm gonna say purple.
Yes! Eat it.
I-I was referring to the spinach dip that I brought.
And please help yourself.
But also, eat it! And that one is just pure trash talk.
Also, slap it.
Ow! Ah! Okay, our turn.
Max's favorite color is red.
Hello.
Scotty.
Nailed it! How did you know that? Oh, I know everything about you, Max.
- What, are you stalking me? - We prefer the term "obsessive American.
" Oh.
And Brad's favorite color is green, so next question.
Um Those are different colors.
Janey, don't worry.
You're gonna get it ow! The Jane.
The Jane.
Hey, forgetti and meatballs, Jason Bourne called, and he says he remembers more stuff than you.
Why did you say that your favorite color is blue? When we first met, I said my favorite color was green, and you said, "me, too.
" Early on, I realized that what turns you on the most is people agreeing with you.
And you know I likes my sex.
Loves me some smoosh.
All right, well, you ever wanna - get that smoosh again? - I want that smoosh.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Well, they are laughing at us out there.
Do you Do you know what you're calling Pete? - What? - The new Brad.
The new Brad? What?! - This Brad's still fresh! - Are you? Fresh to death! Oh, it's on! - Mm-hmm.
- Let's do this.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Uhh! Uhh! Aah! - Walk it off.
- All right.
Okay, gang, here we go.
Next category is favorite foods.
Ooh! - We got this - Oh, yes.
In the doggie bag.
Mm-hmm! You're not me, Pete.
What's that? See? Can't even hear like me.
All right, Penny, what's Pete's favorite food? Okay, okay, okay.
Uh I got this! I got this! Pork pork.
Yes, it's pork pork! Something my mom made.
It's two pork chops.
Give a tiny tap! Yes! Okay, I am gonna guess Your favorite food is dolphin meat.
D'oh! So close.
Reestie's peanut butter klormps.
And my favorite food, of course, is lemon sage chicken and Yukon gold potatoes with braised kale.
Aah! Ah, ha! Yeah! I put "soup.
You put what? Oops.
I'm having second thoughts.
I mean, this place is kind of weird.
Tami didn't use any of this stuff.
We got crystal balls, voodoo dolls, and chicken bones? No one uses those anymore.
The chicken bones are mine.
Thank you for coming.
Where shall we begin? With us leaving.
I'm sorry.
I don't know you.
You don't know me.
But I think we both know that this isn't gonna work.
- So - Are you sure? I sense that you have a big decision to make.
Oh, you're good.
Hmm? The key to couples' jenga is a steady hand.
And the key to a steady hand is stealing Parkinson's medication from your landlady's aunt.
Ah! The other key is a couple completely in sync.
- Mmm! - Mmm.
- Ahh.
- Ahh.
Ohh.
Couldn't agree more.
Ugh! Bradford! You're the best! Around! nothing's gonna ever keep you down you're the best! Around! - Yes! and nothing's gonna ever keep you down Drop it.
Drop it.
No! Nothing's gonna ever keep you down (Penny) - Again! Smoosh! you're the best! Around! nothing's gonna ever keep you down you're the best! Around! nothing's gonna ever keep you down you're the best! Around! nothing's gonna ever keep you down oh, ho, oh And would you look at that? Pete and I win! Yes! Mm! We just barely edged out America's golden couple Max and Scotty! Ha ha ha! Hey! And in last place these two strangers.
Have you two even met? I'm sorry.
You know what? That's on me.
Jane, I'd like to introduce you to your husband Brad.
- He's a real nice guy.
He stands about 6'2".
(Laughs) - Yes.
Yep.
We get it.
We get it.
Penny, you won.
Yeah.
Yeah, my husband and I are completely incompatible.
Yay! Cat's out of the bag! Okay! Damn you, orange floor-malade! The wheel of fortune.
I would say that indicates you should take a risk and go work at Knife.
Or the wheel represents the wheel of my truck, and that's how I'm gonna make my fortune.
Or it means what I said it means.
My name's not Ann.
It's Magic Ann.
Magic Ann? Really? Your mom named you that? Let's see what the next card says.
Ace of swords.
This pretty clearly implies y Let me field this one, Annie.
I believe the ace represents me, working alone at my truck, ridin' solo.
It's literally a big knife, which is the name of the restaurant that You know what? I'm done.
I can't help you.
This is all fake anyway.
Doesn't take a rocking scientist to see that.
You know what? My last psychic Tami would never have treated old Dave this way.
Wait.
You're Dave Rose.
You drove Tami out of town.
She took early retirement because of you! She's draining our psychics' pension fund.
You know what? It's time for you to go.
We'll go when we're good and ready.
- Which is now, 'cause I've been ready to go for quite some time.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow, you're really choking that artichoke.
Sorry.
Bad choke.
Nah, I respect the effort.
A lot more than I respect My husband, who can't pass a fruit or recognize a flawless drawing of a damn koala bear! Maybe you should've circled it a little more! Jane, I am so sorry.
I-I didn't mean for this game to make you think you and Brad aren't right for each other or something.
What? No.
Who said anything about that? No.
I'm just pissed at him now because He can't answer a single question about me! First name's Jane, by the way.
Last name Kerkovich-Williams although I'm thinking of just rolling it back to "Kerkovich.
" Cool.
Pen, I would never let a silly game tell me whether the love of my life is right for me.
I mean, that's the kind of thing you just know in your gut.
And you knew right away with Brad, didn't you? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I just could immediately imagine us being together for 40, Also imagined us with a hutch full of game night trophies! But that is not happening.
Nope! But good news.
I mean, you get to have it all the trophies and the great husband.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Except I don't think that I can marry Pete.
You can't marry Pete?! What the hell?! I checked my gut, like you said.
- He's not the one.
- Oh, Penny.
When I ran into Daphne, she hit on something that I was already thinking, so I probably subconsciously wanted this game night to prove myself wrong.
But mm-hmm.
But it's not about knowing a bunch of facts, like what your favorite food is.
I certainly hope not! That I'm sorry is very inappropriate right now.
You have your whole thing going on.
Is everything okay? I heard a ruckus.
- Penny's breaking up with Pete.
- Oh, God.
What?! What happened? I'll kill him! Did he cheat? On you? On a test? On his diet? Of course he didn't.
I mean, look at the guy.
He's a knockout.
He didn't do anything.
I mean, I Look, anyway, Pete didn't do anything.
He's the perfect guy.
It's just He's not perfect for me.
Oh.
Max.
You were worried about me, too.
Uh yeah.
Super worried.
Penny's breaking up with Pete.
What?! No! Oh, man! That's terrible.
Tell me about it really quickly.
Well oh, Pen! Bummer.
You're probably just scared about the wedding.
Good talk.
No, the wedding's the one thing I'm not nervous about.
It it's the 40, 50, 60 years in the future - Hmm.
- That I can't imagine.
I don't have what you two have, and I wanna wait for that.
- Mmm.
- Oh, honey.
My favorite color is you.
Mmm, that made no sense, but I love it.
Mmm.
Mmm.
And it's green from now on.
Okay.
Guys? You left me alone with Scotty.
Now he's trying to sell me speed, but I think it might be a centrum.
Pete, we need to talk.
Okay.
It sucks for those kids, huh? - Max! - Max.
What? I'm just sitting here with a towel on my lap.
Oh.
Everyone has abandoned me my psychic, a tarot card reader.
But at least I know now what I have to do talk to to your girlfriend! - A mentalist! - Dave, stop! You don't need all these people.
You have me.
I'm your person.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I Of course.
Well, help me.
Tell me what to do.
- Nah.
- What? From what I've seen today, you know what you want, okay? But you gotta say it.
You can't make someone else tell you.
What do you want? I wanna keep my truck.
There it is.
You knew.
Oh.
- Okay.
- Right? Okay, so what you're saying is that I have been my own psychic all along.
Yeah, Dave.
You're your own psychic.
You know, you're a lot smarter than people give you credit for.
Thank you.
Wow.
Uh Okay.
Pete, you are such a great guy, and you deserve to marry someone who's sure.
I'm so sorry.
And I'm even sorrier that my friends are watching from the deck.
God, why did we come out here? Early spring in Chicago is really just winter.
Ah, I wish we could hear what they're saying.
I can read lips.
In my early 20s, I was deaf.
Here's what they're saying Oh! Scotty is the greatest.
You should have bought pills from him.
Yeah, that guy seems pretty cool.
What's his deal? He seems like he'd be a good extra set of hands to bring into our relationship.
Ooh.
Scotty.
Squishy.
Your impressions are getting amazing.
Thanks, brah.
Yeah! Okay, well I guess this is it.
I almost forgot.
It's, uh, it's a little awkward.
The Of course.
Your grandmother's ring.
Yes.
Does not seem to wanna come off.
- So sorry.
- I think you're pushing it down.
You need to slide it up.
Oh! That did the trick.
Yeah.
Here you go.
Good-bye, Penny.
Good-bye, Pete.
Oh! - Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, thank you, guys.
Scotty, please do not touch me there.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought tush was in play.
Guys big news! Maybe the biggest news of the night nay, the year.
I'm keeping my food truck.
And in even bigger news, I'm a psychic.
Dave (Groans) Oh.
Not the best time.
Oh, something's going on, right? I could feel it.
I - Penny just - Oh, it has to do with Penny! I've got it! I can figure it out.
Penny is having Pete's love child, - and they've never been stronger.
- Mm-hmm.
No! You're becoming a doctor.
Close.
Pete and I broke up.
- Oh, my God, Penny.
- Are you okay? No.
Gosh.
Not in play.
Not in play.
- For anyone?! - For anyone here.
Jeez, Scotty! I need a drink.
I'm so glad I have you.
I would like to raise a toast to you guys.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! I can't hear the the clink of the ring on the bottle.
Oh, God! Hey.
Hey! We are not gonna do this.
We are not gonna cry.
We are gonna celebrate, because what you just did was make an incredibly strong and brave decision.
Okay, you're a big girl now, and I'm proud of you.
- We're all proud of you.
- See?! Make room, people! There's a Phoenix rising! Aah! Phoenix rising! Phoenix rising! Yeah! Tush in play! Tush in play! Aah! Tush in play! Stop! - How you doin', Pen? - I'm fine.
I mean, it's Pete you should worry about.
I dumped him two months before our wedding.
Who does that? Pete will be fine, all right? Two months is great.
Hell, even two weeks is great.
At least at two weeks you can get your tux deposit back.
Even a week is good.
Even 15 minutes is good.
Yeah, Penny, as long as you don't walk all the way down the aisle and then up to the altar and then realize oh, I did that, Ohh.
God, I suck.
No, no.
Hey, it's not your fault.
I should've seen it coming.
If only I'd been in touch with my gift back then Ew.
That's it for me.
Okeydokey.
Okay, see you, guys.
I knew that was gonna happen, too.
But they'll be back in three, two, one.
I forgot my purse.
What? I forgot to throw in.
- Bye, guys.
- Sorry about that, weirdos.
Yeah.
Ouch.