Hey Arnold! (1996) s03e18 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Okay, class, I hope
all of you will pay
particular attention
to chapter 12 when we discover
the wonderful world
of parallelograms.
That's kind of hard to say.
Oh, Arnold!
Sweet prince,
how I love you.
And though I may hide
my true feelings,
I pray that one day
you will know that I love
Oh, boy, it's 2:00,
and you know what that means.
It's time for history!
For the next hour
we will start work
on our
Lewis and Clark dioramas.
Now, we already picked
our teams yesterday.
So, teams, just join
your desks together
and we'll get started.
At last, my love,
the history project.
After weeks of
Machiavellian scheming,
I've arranged to work
side-by-side with you
on the Lewis
and Clark diorama.
Oh! What an expedition
it will be.
Arnold, darling,
hand me that brush,
would you?
Yes, angel.
There's a love.
And Helga?
Yes, my love?
Helga?
Yes, my
Helga?
I mean, what?
What are you looking at,
football head?
I was just asking you
to move your desk.
Yeah, yeah.
Just don't crowd me, okay?
Hmm, man, Phoebe,
we drew the short straws
on this team.
Look at the clowns
we have to work with.
Football head
and tall hair boy.
I am quite looking forward
to working with Arnold
and Gerald, Helga.
(SCOFFING) I'd rather
have a root canal.
Okay, listen up, boys,
I got dibs on the paints,
Phoebe is gonna make
the Native Americans.
I've got costume designs
for the Mandans,
the Chinook, and of course,
my favorite Shoshone,
Sakaggawaya.
I could have sworn
it was Sacagawea.
Whatever. That leaves
buffalo and assorted fauna
for you two.
So, hop to it.
ARNOLD:
I'd like to do some
of the painting, too.
I am in charge of paint.
I'm in charge
of the background.
You make buffalo, savvy?
Make your own buffalo.
You are making
the buffalo, Arnoldo.
I am not making
the buffalo, Helga.
Pretty good buffalo, Arnold.
Thanks.
HELGA: You call
that blob a buffalo?
You are gonna have to do
better than that
if it's going in my diorama,
football head.
You stink! I can't believe
I got stuck working with you!
(GRUNTING)
MR. SIMMONS:
Who needs assistance
with paint or glue?
Who needs scissors?
No, not you, Harold.
Did everyone bring a box?
I've got an oatmeal box here
and a big bottle of glue
Oh, someone's got
the box of feathers.
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
Hey, look.
Arnold is a bird.
(ALL LAUGHING)
GERALD:
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Look at you, Arnold.
You gotta get back at her.
What would that prove?
I think it's better
just to ignore her.
That doesn't seem
to be working, Arnold.
HELGA: Hey. Look up.
Now, look down.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, that's a good one.
Stepped right in it,
and now look at him.
What a maroon.
Feathers on his butt,
gum on his shoe,
he's killing me!
(SIGHING RUEFULLY)
Ah, yes.
Laugh, Helga, laugh.
Yet, it is a hollow sound.
(EXCLAIMING SORROWFULLY)
Arnold, what is wrong with me?
I scheme for weeks
for the chance
to be beside you,
and this is how
I show my joy?
By gluing feathers
to your butt?
Oh, Arnold,
would that you could see
through this vain disguise,
and realize that my cruelties
are merely a lost
and lonely soul's cry
for attention?
Yes. And love.
Alas!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
GRANDMA: Hi-ya!
Hi, Grandma.
Oh, grasshopper.
How was school?
Terrible.
There's this girl
at school who won't
stop bugging me.
Hi-ya!
She's driving me crazy.
Hi-ya!
I'm really fed up, Grandma.
I wish
I knew what to do.
I have no idea
why a little girl
would behave like that.
What were you like
when you were
a little girl, Grandma?
Well, I think,
I was quite sweet.
Well, I can't
remember anything before
last week, actually.
(SIGHING SADLY)
Just remember, Arnold,
violence is not the answer.
Hi-ya!
Thanks, Grandma.
I'll keep that in mind.
Is that you, short man?
Hi, Grandpa.
Oh, bad day?
Uh-huh.
Your little classmate
picking on you again?
The one with
the big pink bow
and one eyebrow?
Yeah, why does she always
pick on me, Grandpa?
Sounds like maybe
she likes you, Arnold.
Helga? Are you kidding?
Come on, Arnold!
She always picks on you
in particular.
Sometimes I see her
jumping rope
in front of the house
like she was waiting for you
to come out or something!
Yeah, so she can call me
"football head,"
and "yutz,"
and "paste for brains."
You see,
that's my point.
That's crazy, Grandpa.
She hates me.
You know,
when I was your age,
I had the same kind
of girl trouble, myself.
Really?
Give me one of them cookies
and I'll tell you a story.
No, not that one.
Ahh, yes, oatmeal raisin.
Back in the '20s,
there were only
twelve of us kids
in the whole grade school.
But, there was
one girl in particular,
that gave me
no end of trouble.
Went by the name of Gertie.
That Gertie
was downright impossible!
Always calling me names.
Move it, chin boy,
I'm walking here.
(BOTH GRUMBLING)
Always making fun
of my batting stance
when we played stickball.
(LAUGHING)
Look at that motion.
You swing like
a little Nancy boy.
You couldn't swing
your way out of a paper bag!
(LAUGHING)
Strike three!
Everywhere I turned,
she was pulling some prank.
(SHRIEKING)
(LAUGHING)
Somehow, she always managed
to get me blamed for it.
It was Philip who did it,
Mrs. Crenshaw,
Ow!
(LAUGHING)
Oh, I got
quite a whacking
for that one.
Wow, that's exactly
what I've been going through.
Uncanny,
isn't it, Arnold?
What did you do
about Gertie, Grandpa?
Well, I asked
my father for advice.
What did he say?
"Never eat raspberries."
The only advice
I ever got from him.
Good advice, actually.
That's it?
I need some
real advice, Grandpa.
Did you try ignoring her?
Yeah, that's pretty much
what I've been doing
my whole life.
Maybe, you could skip town
and change your identity.
Grow a beard and open
a blacksmith shop.
Nah, that's no good,
is it?
Well, follow your instincts,
Arnold, that's what I did.
Did it work?
GRANDMA: Dinner!
GRANDPA:
Watermelon again, Pookie?
Hai!
Oh, my stomach.
(BELL RINGING)
Oh, my love.
Another day,
a clean slate,
another chance
to get along with you.
Today I will try
to be kind.
This is my solemn vow.
(GULPS)
That's a
A nice buffalo
there, Arnold.
Huh? Thanks, Helga.
I mean, yeah,
if you wanna call
that pathetic little blob
a buffalo.
MR. SIMMONS: Class, see me
if you need any more paint.
I've got plenty
of yellow for the great
plains of Dakota.
You got any purple
for my mountain majesties?
Come on, Helga,
let me paint something.
Forget it, buffalo boy!
I'm doing the painting,
not you!
Give me the paint!
You want the paint?
Here!
Hey!
(SCREAMS)
(ALL GASPING)
Good heavens!
Arnold.
Arnold, this is
so not like you.
As much as it hurts me,
I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to give you
detention for this.
(LAUGHING)
Here is Gertie
rolling me in honey
and staking me out
on top of an anthill.
Oh, that mischievous,
pig-tailed, little imp.
Ah, mercy.
Hi, Grandpa.
Well, if it isn't
young Arnold home
from his day at school.
How come you're
all covered in paint?
Helga poured it on me,
so I poured some on her.
What? You
Oh, my word!
You've snapped, Arnold!
You've turned into
a vicious paint-pouring thug.
I don't know what
to think about you anymore.
Why didn't you follow
your instincts like I told ya?
I did, Grandpa.
I wasn't talking
about those instincts,
I meant your good ones.
(SIGHING)
I know, Grandpa,
I feel terrible.
What should I do?
Well,
you may be stuck
with this girl
for a long time,
so you better try
and make peace.
Yeah, I'm gonna call Helga
and apologize.
(CAT SCREECHING)
HELGA: Oh, Arnold.
(SNIFFLING)
What havoc have I wrought,
forcing you
to behave so badly?
Where is my kind, thoughtful,
generous Arnold?
The boy
who always turned
the other cheek?
Gone forever. Alas!
Hey, Helga,
you in there?
It's your little friend,
Alfred, on the phone.
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Arnold? Calling me?
At my house?
Yeah, Arnold. Whatever.
Anyway he's on
the phone for ya.
(EXHALES)
Hello?
Helga? It's Arnold.
HELGA:
What do you want?
I just want to say
that I'm sorry
about the paint.
I guess
I just snapped.
I was thinking,
maybe we could
forget about today,
and, well,
agree to be nicer
to each other.
Oh! Arnold!
So kind.
So just.
So moral.
You couldn't help
but return to the ways
I know and love.
(THUDS)
ARNOLD: Helga?
Are you there?
Yeah, an agreement,
that sounds great.
I'll have my people
call your people,
and we'll draw up the papers.
Yeah, in your dreams,
football head!
Like I'm ever gonna agree
with you about anything!
And don't ever call me
at my house ever again!
Ever!
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well, that takes
care of that.
Oh, yeah.
She's off your back
forever, short man.
Now, go upstairs and change
out of those clothes.
It's almost dinnertime,
and you got paint all over ya.
(LAUGHS)
Ah, youth.
Isn't that sweet?
Oh, what an adorable
little girl I was
back then.
Yep, and you
still got it, Pookie.
Aw.
Did you make watermelon
for dinner, again?
What's your point?
Oh, no, Pookie, you did,
didn't you?
Don't start with me.
You did!
Just say you did.
MR. SIMMONS:
Class, next Friday,
P.S. 118 will be holding
its annual school dance.
Our own Rhonda Lloyd
is in charge of decorations.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And Eugene was in charge
of procuring entertainment,
but since his recent
and bizarre collision
with a bunny float
in our Easter parade,
his duties will go to Arnold.
I'm sure Arnold will do
a wonderful job
of finding a capable
musical act to entertain us
at the dance.
You better get
somebody good, Arnold.
That's right,
football head.
No loser polka bands.
Yeah.
No problem, kid.
You want a musical act?
I got musical acts.
I got the best
in the business. How much
do want to spend?
Seventy-five.
Seventy-five hundred?
No problem.
Actually, it's $75.
(ALL LAUGHING)
AGENT:
Get out of here, you bum.
(PLAYING OUT OF TUNE)
That was great,
uh, Sheena.
I'll be in touch.
(SINGING OUT OF TUNE)
Oh, Danny boy
The pipes,
the pipes are calling ♪
That's great, Mr. Green.
(SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING)
(DOGS HOWLING)
Okay, Mr. Kokoshka,
that's enough.
When do I get the money?
Hi there, short man.
Still trying to figure out
somebody to perform
at your school dance?
Yeah.
Oh, wait! I've got it!
I can play my nose.
(PLAYING NASAL TUNE)
Grandpa, I'm serious.
I have to find
somebody really good,
and I have to find them now.
Okay. All right.
You're right. You're right.
(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)
Now, let's think.
Let's think hard, Arnold.
Think, think, think
Grandpa,
is that Dino Spumoni?
Arnold, please!
You're interrupting
my thinking.
But, Grandpa,
I think I've got it.
No, you don't,
'cause I've got it.
Dino Spumoni!
That's what
I was gonna say.
Aw. Years ago,
Dino was the top
of the town.
We all loved Dino.
He was hip,
he was in the groove, man.
He was swinging.
Wait a minute, Grandpa,
why would Dino Spumoni
wanna play at a little
public school dance?
He's a big star.
He was big, Arnold.
But the last few years,
he'd gone to seed,
from a big star
to a worthless pathetic
has-been.
Nobody wants
to hear him sing.
The good news is
you can get him,
or you can get
your little friend,
Sheena, to play cello.
She'll be a sensation.
The kids will love it.
And we'd love you to play
at our school dance.
What do you say?
Forget it, kid.
Sure, I used to be good.
I was king of swing,
prince of pop.
But now, I'm old-hat.
Washed up, a has-been.
I might as well put on
a pair of support hose,
flop down with a drool cup
and wait to die.
I haven't played a date
in months.
Look at me,
I'm 67 years old.
Sixty-nine.
You're fired.
Whoopee!
I'm out of here!
Bye-bye, baby.
Look, kid,
that guy up there
is what I used to be.
Those little teacups
From limos
Yo, I keep paintings
on the walls
Darling, pow! ♪
ARNOLD:
If you played songs like that,
the kids would love you.
Yeah, sure.
But I haven't played
those old songs in years.
They're old-hat,
yesterday's news.
Not to me,
and not to the kids
in my school.
Ah, kids today.
They don't want
to hear the old stuff.
They want rap,
and hip-hat and grunt music.
You gotta be
styling on the house,
and all the other crazy jive
you kids are hep to
these days.
Huh?
Oh, sure I tried
to keep up with the times.
I tried it all.
Look at this record
I made last year.
I'm in the house
Baby, baby, baby
Stylin'
Dino is in the house ♪
It sold like
a lead balloon.
No, it's all over
for me, kid.
I got one concert in me,
my farewell concert
at The Palace.
And then,
I'm hanging up my pipes.
My agent, Marty,
is gonna call me
any minute with the details.
I even wrote a new song
called My Last Bow.
It's so pathetic
and depressing,
it will tear your heart out.
But, Mr. Spumoni
(PHONE RINGING)
Yeah? Oh, hi, Marty.
Sorry, kid, this is business.
You know
the way out, right?
Yeah, Marty,
so did you get The Palace?
What do you mean
they won't book me?
What about the Palladium
in Rialto?
Nobody in town will book me?
Well, how am I gonna play
my farewell concert?
That's not my problem.
Hey, what about P.S. 118?
Look, kid, I'm not playing
my big farewell concert
at an elementary school.
I'm doing it at The Palace.
What if they won't book you?
Don't worry,
they'll book me.
Now, listen, Marty,
either you get me The Palace,
or I'm gonna plan my concert
at P.S. 118.
That's right,
an elementary school.
What do you say to that?
Hello? Marty?
(DIALTONE HUMS)
(GROANING) All right.
What the heck.
You got yourself a deal.
You mean, you'll play
at our school dance?
Yeah, yeah.
Sure, I'll knock them dead.
Wait till I tell
the kids at school
I booked Dino Spumoni
for our school dance.
HELGA: Dino Spumoni?
That's who you got
for our school dance?
He's really good.
You're kidding, right?
That old fat guy?
I thought he was dead.
He's still alive, Stinky.
And he's gonna be great.
He'd better
be great, Arnold,
because if he's not,
the school dance
will be ruined
and it will be
all your fault.
Don't worry,
he'll be terrific.
I promise.
(HELGA SCOFFS)
Still nervous about
the school dance, short man?
A little. I just hope
they all like it.
Oh, don't worry.
Dino will be a big hit.
The kids will love him!
He'll knock their socks off
and it'll be
the best school dance ever!
Or he'll be a complete flop
and everyone will hate him,
and the whole dance
will be ruined,
and it will all be your fault.
(SIGHING)
(GRANDPA LAUGHS)
Aren't you glad
I'm your grandpa?
I'll leave.
Are you sure
you're ready, Dino?
Sure, kid.
Don't sweat it.
I've done thousands
of concerts,
and this one is no different,
except it's my last one.
Well, if you need anything,
let me know.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Students of P.S. 118,
let's hear a big,
special welcome
for our musical act
for the evening,
Dino Spumoni!
He better be good, Arnold.
Don't worry.
Ladies and gentlemen
Uh, I mean,
boys and girls,
I'm happy to be here
at The Palace.
Uh, I mean your
little elementary school,
to perform my last concert.
I have had a long
and rewarding career,
and now that it's all kaput,
I guess you can call
this little shindig
my swan song.
Well the old guy
is sure riveting so far,
football head.
This is a song I wrote
just for the occasion.
It's called My Last Bow.
I once was king
That day is gone
I've been dethroned
And stoned
By the uncaring throng
They're ringing down
That curtain now
I guess it's time
For my last bow
Nice going, Arnold.
Life was a gas
But that gas has passed
This guy is the worst.
I've gone
from top of the pops
To the back of the class
I should have stayed home
and pondered my workbooks.
Adieu
And ciao
Baby, it's time
For my last bow ♪
What are you
doing out there?
Saying goodbye, Arnold.
Sayonara. Au revoir.
Auf wiedersehen.
Baby, the jig is up
and I know it.
So, here's to the old days.
Dino, you're not even trying.
"Trying"? Let me tell you
something about trying, kid.
I tried for 45 years
and, for a while,
it worked pretty good.
But then, it all fell apart
like a pile of wet newspaper.
Nobody bought
Dino Spumoni records,
nobody came to my concerts,
nobody wanted to book me.
Nobody!
I booked you.
Yeah, but that's because
you were desperate.
The point is, I asked you
to play at our dance
because I really liked
your old music.
I thought the other kids
would like it too,
and I thought
you wanted to play it.
I told you before, kid,
nobody wants to hear
the old music.
Nobody likes
that stuff anymore.
Not even you?
What are you talking about?
Of course, I like
the old songs.
That's who I am, baby.
That's what I'm all about.
Those songs are great.
If I sang
those old songs right now,
they'd knock you
right on your ear.
Then why
don't you do it?
You know,
you really blew it, Arnold.
You ruined our school dance.
It's not over
till it's over.
Oh, it's over, Arnold.
Yeah, the old, fat guy sang
and he was just plain rotten.
Once again, Dino Spumoni.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen
Uh, I mean
boys and girls,
I know you all came out here
tonight to have a good time,
and up till now, I guess,
you've been having
a lousy time
listening to me up here,
feeling sorry for myself
talking about good times
I used to have,
that I figured were all over.
Well, a good friend of mine
reminded me this school dance
isn't about me
having a lousy time.
It's about all of youse
having a good time.
Considering all that,
I wanna sing an old song
you probably
never heard before.
Way back, when I wasn't
too much older than you,
me and my pals
used to like it pretty good.
I thought, maybe,
you might like it too.
Hit it, Tony.
(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)
There ain't nothing worse
Than feeling you're no good
Baby, down and out
It's a lousy neighborhood
Those knock-down
drag-out days
Feel like ten rounds
in the ring
But don't just
hang on the ropes
Get back in the swing
Hey, he's not half bad.
Hey, listen up, you punks
I'm making a point
(KIDS CHEERING)
He's fantastic.
You really did it, Arnold.
What a brilliant idea.
It's like you knew
that he was so out,
that he's actually in.
Oh, I know
Life can be cruel
One day she makes you a king
And the next you're a fool
In the blink of an eye
Your fortunes can swing
So jump right in
'Cause it don't mean a thing
if it ain't got that swing
I ain't the hippest cat
In town
But I'd rather
to be a swinger
Than a clown
So, call me a fool
But this fool can sing
And that's all I need
I packed for the trip
Get out of my way
I'll fatten your lip
Hey, look at me now
I'm back in the swing ♪