Impractical Jokers (2017) s03e18 Episode Script

narrator: Coming up What's got joe busting a gut? [ laughter .]
What's got joe busting a gut? [ laughter .]
will murr crash and burn? [ laughter .]
will murr crash and burn? [ tires screech.]
Will murr crash and burn? [ tires screech.]
oh! [ laughs .]
[ tires screech.]
oh! [ laughs .]
narrator: And which joker's oh! [ laughs .]
narrator: And which joker's gonna blow up in tonight's big narrator: And which joker's gonna blow up in tonight's big punishment? Gonna blow up in tonight's big punishment? [ laughter .]
Punishment? [ laughter .]
prepare for something [ laughter .]
prepare for something amazing.
prepare for something amazing.
hey, mustache, what's up? Amazing.
hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I will never forgive you! [ laughter .]
I will never forgive you! larry! I will never forgive you! larry! [ laughter .]
today, we're at fairway market, trying to get people's attention by saying Fairway market, trying to get people's attention by saying all: Psst! People's attention by saying all: Psst! then, the other guys are all: Psst! then, the other guys are gonna feed us an embarrassing then, the other guys are gonna feed us an embarrassing secret that we have to tell to a Gonna feed us an embarrassing secret that we have to tell to a fellow shopper.
Secret that we have to tell to a fellow shopper.
and for revealing our secret, Fellow shopper.
and for revealing our secret, we must ask the person to share and for revealing our secret, we must ask the person to share one of their own.
if you can't get them to confide in you, you lose.
Confide in you, you lose.
Psst! Psst! how do you keep doing that?! how do you keep doing that?! I will never reveal it! psst! [ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
I got a secret I got to tell I got a secret I got to tell you.
You.
"I burned down an orphanage.
" "I burned down an orphanage.
" I "burned" down an "orphanage.
" I "burned" down an "orphanage.
" "in saugerties, new york.
" "orphanage.
" "in saugerties, new york.
" in saugerties, "new york.
" "in saugerties, new york.
" in saugerties, "new york.
" [ laughter .]
in saugerties, "new york.
" [ laughter .]
so, you got a secret you want to [ laughter .]
so, you got a secret you want to share with me? So, you got a secret you want to share with me? we got him.
We got him.
Share with me? we got him.
We got him.
something? we got him.
We got him.
something? What do you got? something? What do you got? uh.
What do you got? uh.
oh! uh.
oh! it was time for a hot-wing oh! it was time for a hot-wing challenge.
it was time for a hot-wing challenge.
together: Hot-wing challenge.
Challenge.
together: Hot-wing challenge.
and I ate the wings, and my together: Hot-wing challenge.
and I ate the wings, and my piss was burning for [laughs.]
and I ate the wings, and my piss was burning for [laughs.]
for a week.
Piss was burning for [laughs.]
for a week.
[ laughter .]
For a week.
[ laughter .]
you can't write this stuff, [ laughter .]
you can't write this stuff, man.
you can't write this stuff, man.
that's a secret, man.
Man.
that's a secret, man.
wow.
that's a secret, man.
wow.
he's like a velvet teddy wow.
he's like a velvet teddy bear.
he's like a velvet teddy bear.
yeah.
Bear.
yeah.
I would love to cuddle him.
yeah.
I would love to cuddle him.
[ coughs .]
I would love to cuddle him.
[ coughs .]
psst! Psst! [ coughs .]
psst! Psst! [ coughs .]
Psst! Psst! [ coughs .]
I got a secret, buddy.
[ coughs .]
I got a secret, buddy.
I'm trying to share with you.
I got a secret, buddy.
I'm trying to share with you.
go ahead.
I'm trying to share with you.
go ahead.
"I put an artichoke in my go ahead.
"I put an artichoke in my pants, and I can't find it.
" "I put an artichoke in my pants, and I can't find it.
" [ laughter .]
Pants, and I can't find it.
" [ laughter .]
I put an artichoke in my [ laughter .]
I put an artichoke in my pants, and I can't find it.
[ laughter .]
that's not what I'm going for.
You got a secret you wt to That's not what I'm going for.
You got a secret you wt to share with me? [ laughs .]
good luck, man.
all right, have a good one.
good luck, man.
all right, have a good one.
you got it, brother.
all right, have a good one.
you got it, brother.
[ laughs .]
you got it, brother.
[ laughs .]
murr, that was the most [ laughs .]
murr, that was the most awkward goodbye you've ever murr, that was the most awkward goodbye you've ever given anyone in your life.
Awkward goodbye you've ever given anyone in your life.
He was like, "take care, bro.
" Given anyone in your life.
He was like, "take care, bro.
" [ laughs .]
He was like, "take care, bro.
" [ laughs .]
that's a good secret.
[ ding! .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
[ classical music plays .]
[ classical music plays .]
[ sighs .]
[ sighs .]
oh, my god.
oh, my god.
oh, my god.
oh, my god.
oh, my god! oh, my god! how do you do that?! how do you do that?! [ laughter and applause .]
[ laughter and applause .]
you look like you're pregnant you look like you're pregnant with an adult.
[ laughter .]
With an adult.
[ laughter .]
you should see what I can do [ laughter .]
you should see what I can do with my [bleep.]
you should see what I can do with my [bleep.]
[ laughter .]
With my [bleep.]
[ laughter .]
you know, I got a secret.
[ laughter .]
you know, I got a secret.
"I spent the night in a You know, I got a secret.
"I spent the night in a funeral home.
" "I spent the night in a funeral home.
" I spent the night in a Funeral home.
" I spent the night in a funeral home.
I spent the night in a funeral home.
"but only 'cause there was a Funeral home.
"but only 'cause there was a groupon for it.
" "but only 'cause there was a groupon for it.
" but only 'cause there was a Groupon for it.
" but only 'cause there was a groupon for it.
[ laughter .]
and she's gone.
and she's gone.
[ laughter .]
there's just way too many [ laughter .]
there's just way too many options when it comes to spices.
there's just way too many options when it comes to spices.
I don't even know what half of Options when it comes to spices.
I don't even know what half of these are.
I don't even know what half of these are.
[ chuckles .]
These are.
[ chuckles .]
you know, actually, I have a [ chuckles .]
you know, actually, I have a secret.
you know, actually, I have a secret.
"I've been getting to work Secret.
"I've been getting to work early" "I've been getting to work early" early Early" early "And lighting lavender Early "And lighting lavender incense in my boss' office.
" "And lighting lavender incense in my boss' office.
" And lighting lavender Incense in my boss' office.
" And lighting lavender incense in my boss' office.
And lighting lavender incense in my boss' office.
"to my knowledge" Incense in my boss' office.
"to my knowledge" to my knowledge "to my knowledge" to my knowledge "He doesn't like to my knowledge "He doesn't like lavender.
" "He doesn't like lavender.
" He doesn't like lavender.
Lavender.
" He doesn't like lavender.
[ laughter .]
He doesn't like lavender.
[ laughter .]
right? [ laughter .]
right? From what I could imagine, he Right? From what I could imagine, he probably walks into his office From what I could imagine, he probably walks into his office and goes Probably walks into his office and goes [ sniffs .]
And goes [ sniffs .]
"smells like lavender in here.
" [ sniffs .]
"smells like lavender in here.
" [ laughter .]
"smells like lavender in here.
" [ laughter .]
do you have any secrets since [ laughter .]
do you have any secrets since we're sharing here in the spices Do you have any secrets since we're sharing here in the spices aisle? We're sharing here in the spices aisle? [ laughter .]
Aisle? [ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
there he is.
You got names on your shirt? You got names on your shirt? Oh, you haven't heard about Oh, you haven't heard about this? This? what is this? what is this? this is his little club.
this is his little club.
I have other friends.
I have other friends.
yeah, everybody has other yeah, everybody has other friends.
Friends.
all right, so, that's all it all right, so, that's all it is -- I'm just celebrating them.
Is -- I'm just celebrating them.
do you all have matching do you all have matching shirts? [ chuckles .]
Shirts? [ chuckles .]
"hey, joe, it's jay.
" [ chuckles .]
"hey, joe, it's jay.
" "hey, sal, it's jokes.
"hey, joe, it's jay.
" "hey, sal, it's jokes.
Somebody call tim duffy.
"hey, sal, it's jokes.
Somebody call tim duffy.
Get our matching shirts on!" Somebody call tim duffy.
Get our matching shirts on!" [ laughter and applause .]
Get our matching shirts on!" [ laughter and applause .]
psst! Psst! [ laughter and applause .]
psst! Psst! I have something funny to tell psst! Psst! I have something funny to tell you.
I have something funny to tell you.
what? You.
what? "I can't remember my what? "I can't remember my daughter's name" "I can't remember my daughter's name" I can't remember my Daughter's name" I can't remember my what? English? I can't remember my what? English? I can't remember my what? English? I can't remember my daughter's name I can't remember my daughter's name "And now it's too late to Daughter's name "And now it's too late to ask.
" "And now it's too late to ask.
" But now it's too late to Ask.
" But now it's too late to ask.
But now it's too late to ask.
What am I gonna do? Ask.
What am I gonna do? [ laughing .]
What am I gonna do? [ laughing .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughing .]
[ laughter .]
my daughter comes down every [ laughter .]
my daughter comes down every day for breakfast.
my daughter comes down every day for breakfast.
I'm like, "hey, you.
" Day for breakfast.
I'm like, "hey, you.
" [ laughter .]
I'm like, "hey, you.
" [ laughter .]
here's the thing -- I shared a [ laughter .]
here's the thing -- I shared a secret with you.
Here's the thing -- I shared a secret with you.
Share a secret back with me.
Secret with you.
Share a secret back with me.
I don't have any secrets.
Share a secret back with me.
I don't have any secrets.
the littlest thing.
I don't have any secrets.
the littlest thing.
Come on.
the littlest thing.
Come on.
what do you want -- like a Come on.
what do you want -- like a sex secret? what do you want -- like a sex secret? what? Sex secret? what? no, it don't have to be, but what? no, it don't have to be, but if you want it, I'll not stop no, it don't have to be, but if you want it, I'll not stop you.
If you want it, I'll not stop you.
But it doesn't have to be.
You.
But it doesn't have to be.
Just something -- whatever you But it doesn't have to be.
Just something -- whatever you want.
Just something -- whatever you want.
my secret is -- the age of Want.
my secret is -- the age of my secret is -- the age of yeah.
yeah.
I'm still horny.
yeah.
I'm still horny.
wow! I'm still horny.
wow! [ laughter and applause .]
wow! [ laughter and applause .]
all right? [ laughter and applause .]
all right? you're the best.
all right? you're the best.
you happy now? you're the best.
you happy now? But don't tell anybody.
you happy now? But don't tell anybody.
you are the best.
[ ding! .]
yeah! yeah! [ chuckling .]
[ chuckling .]
hey.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Hey, buddy.
Did I hear you say before that Did I hear you say before that you're bringing frumpy back? You're bringing frumpy back? yeah.
yeah.
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
I'm tired of living in a society I'm tired of living in a society where you have to care about how Where you have to care about how you look.
You look.
you've never lived in that you've never lived in that society.
Society.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
this guy -- this guy with the this guy -- this guy with the mustache, right behind you.
"hey, mustache.
" Mustache, right behind you.
"hey, mustache.
" [ laughter .]
"hey, mustache.
" [ laughter .]
psst! [ laughter .]
psst! Hey, mustache.
psst! Hey, mustache.
Mustache, I'm gonna tell you a Hey, mustache.
Mustache, I'm gonna tell you a secret.
Mustache, I'm gonna tell you a secret.
"I once fell asleep in the Secret.
"I once fell asleep in the bathroom of a black church.
" "I once fell asleep in the bathroom of a black church.
" I once fell asleep in the Bathroom of a black church.
" I once fell asleep in the bathroom of a black church.
I once fell asleep in the bathroom of a black church.
I woke up -- they were all Bathroom of a black church.
I woke up -- they were all praising jesus.
I woke up -- they were all praising jesus.
[ laughter .]
Praising jesus.
[ laughter .]
you got any secrets you want to [ laughter .]
you got any secrets you want to share with me? You got any secrets you want to share with me? I'm sick today.
Share with me? I'm sick today.
I'm sorry.
I'm sick today.
I'm sorry.
you're sick? I'm sorry.
you're sick? yeah.
you're sick? yeah.
I'll take that as a secret.
yeah.
I'll take that as a secret.
no, that's not a secret.
I'll take that as a secret.
no, that's not a secret.
no, no.
no, that's not a secret.
no, no.
ah.
no, no.
ah.
did you get it by kissing ah.
did you get it by kissing someone you shouldn't have? did you get it by kissing someone you shouldn't have? [ chuckling .]
no.
Someone you shouldn't have? [ chuckling .]
no.
[ laughter .]
[ chuckling .]
no.
[ laughter .]
you ever hit a car in a [ laughter .]
you ever hit a car in a parking lot and not leave a you ever hit a car in a parking lot and not leave a note? Parking lot and not leave a note? no.
Note? no.
q's working for it.
no.
q's working for it.
yeah.
q's working for it.
yeah.
he's working for the secret.
yeah.
he's working for the secret.
he is working.
he's working for the secret.
he is working.
a white lie -- you ever tell he is working.
a white lie -- you ever tell somebody they look good when a white lie -- you ever tell somebody they look good when they don't? Somebody they look good when they don't? does this look frumpy to you? They don't? does this look frumpy to you? no, you look great.
does this look frumpy to you? no, you look great.
so he does lie.
no, you look great.
so he does lie.
oh, so you do lie.
so he does lie.
oh, so you do lie.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
oh, so you do lie.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
All right.
[ laughter .]
All right.
[ laughter .]
psst! Psst! [ laughter .]
psst! Psst! I have a secret to tell you.
Psst! Psst! I have a secret to tell you.
"I was born a member of the I have a secret to tell you.
"I was born a member of the opposite race.
" "I was born a member of the opposite race.
" [ chuckles .]
Opposite race.
" [ chuckles .]
I was -- [ chuckles .]
I was -- [ chuckles .]
wow.
I was -- [ chuckles .]
wow.
I was born a member of the [ chuckles .]
wow.
I was born a member of the opposite race.
I was born a member of the opposite race.
what is the opposite race? Opposite race.
what is the opposite race? would -- do you have a what is the opposite race? would -- do you have a secret, perhaps, you'd like to would -- do you have a secret, perhaps, you'd like to share with me? Secret, perhaps, you'd like to share with me? that's my old neighbor, from Share with me? that's my old neighbor, from when I used to live in brooklyn, that's my old neighbor, from when I used to live in brooklyn, from when I used to live in When I used to live in brooklyn, from when I used to live in bay ridge.
From when I used to live in bay ridge.
do you remember james murray, Bay ridge.
do you remember james murray, short, ferrety-looking dude? do you remember james murray, short, ferrety-looking dude? yes, of course.
Short, ferrety-looking dude? yes, of course.
[ laughter .]
yes, of course.
[ laughter .]
I need to tell you something [ laughter .]
I need to tell you something about james.
I need to tell you something about james.
go ahead.
About james.
go ahead.
oh, go, go! go ahead.
oh, go, go! This is a secret.
oh, go, go! This is a secret.
yes! This is a secret.
yes! I live on the third floor.
yes! I live on the third floor.
uh-huh.
I live on the third floor.
uh-huh.
and he lived on the fifth uh-huh.
and he lived on the fifth floor.
and he lived on the fifth floor.
yes.
Floor.
yes.
all day long, I would hear yes.
all day long, I would hear drips.
all day long, I would hear drips.
okay.
Drips.
okay.
I go, "something's got to be okay.
I go, "something's got to be wrong because it's like a I go, "something's got to be wrong because it's like a waterfall.
" Wrong because it's like a waterfall.
" right.
Waterfall.
" right.
so I go upstairs, and I ring right.
so I go upstairs, and I ring on the door.
so I go upstairs, and I ring on the door.
He opens the door, and he was On the door.
He opens the door, and he was having sex in the shower, and he He opens the door, and he was having sex in the shower, and he overflowed the whole thing.
Having sex in the shower, and he overflowed the whole thing.
[ laughter and applause .]
Overflowed the whole thing.
[ laughter and applause .]
I love it.
[ laughter and applause .]
I love it.
just give a thumbs-up.
Good.
There you go.
[ ding! .]
[ ding! .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
narrator: It's no secret that narrator: It's no secret that joe lost, so he's first up on the loser board.
Joe lost, so he's first up on the loser board.
today, we're teaming up The loser board.
today, we're teaming up working the sales floor at today, we're teaming up working the sales floor at blick art materials.
while helping the future picassos, we must dodo and say Picassos, we must dodo and say what the other team tells us.
What the other team tells us.
and if you refuse, you have and if you refuse, you have to cut off your ear and mail it to your ex-girlfriend.
To cut off your ear and mail it to your ex-girlfriend.
no, you lose -- you just To your ex-girlfriend.
no, you lose -- you just lose.
no, you lose -- you just lose.
that's a little extreme.
Lose.
that's a little extreme.
way less exciting, but, okay, that's a little extreme.
way less exciting, but, okay, you lose.
hi.
hi.
hey.
How you doing? hi.
hey.
How you doing? guys, earmuff this girl every hey.
How you doing? guys, earmuff this girl every time you say a curse word.
guys, earmuff this girl every time you say a curse word.
[ laughs .]
Time you say a curse word.
[ laughs .]
now, see, you're picking up Now, see, you're picking up yeah.
yeah.
yes.
yeah.
yes.
and it's all for your boss? yes.
and it's all for your boss? Is she -- is she a real, uh and it's all for your boss? Is she -- is she a real, uh Bitch? [ laughs .]
we only ask because we only ask because Our boss here is a real [bleep.]
Our boss here is a real [bleep.]
yeah.
yeah.
keep earmuffing her.
keep earmuffing her.
we want to be respectful, but tell you, you know, he's a real we want to be respectful, but tell you, you know, he's a real dick.
Tell you, you know, he's a real dick.
[ laughter .]
Dick.
[ laughter .]
joe, go, tit for tat, [ laughter .]
joe, go, tit for tat, back and forth, both of you joe, go, tit for tat, back and forth, both of you earmuffing the people you're Back and forth, both of you earmuffing the people you're with.
Earmuffing the people you're with.
sometimes, I don't even With.
sometimes, I don't even [bleep.]
know about it.
sometimes, I don't even [bleep.]
know about it.
exactly.
[bleep.]
know about it.
exactly.
earmuffs.
exactly.
earmuffs.
computer -- [bleep.]
computer.
earmuffs.
computer -- [bleep.]
computer.
Sometimes, it's down.
computer -- [bleep.]
computer.
Sometimes, it's down.
earmuffs.
Sometimes, it's down.
earmuffs.
I don't know, you know.
earmuffs.
I don't know, you know.
[bleep.]
I don't know, you know.
[bleep.]
[ laughing .]
[bleep.]
[ laughing .]
hey, guys.
How are you? [ laughing .]
hey, guys.
How are you? I'm looking for fabric dye.
hey, guys.
How are you? I'm looking for fabric dye.
start talking about colors I'm looking for fabric dye.
start talking about colors and make up imaginary colors.
start talking about colors and make up imaginary colors.
we do have a whole bunch of And make up imaginary colors.
we do have a whole bunch of new colors we do have a whole bunch of new colors oh, good.
New colors oh, good.
In the fabric dye.
oh, good.
In the fabric dye.
And I don't know if you're In the fabric dye.
And I don't know if you're familiar with them.
And I don't know if you're familiar with them.
Chabloozenberry.
Familiar with them.
Chabloozenberry.
they got febrezio in.
Chabloozenberry.
they got febrezio in.
[ laughter .]
they got febrezio in.
[ laughter .]
uh, we have schlippel.
[ laughter .]
uh, we have schlippel.
dark shulup.
uh, we have schlippel.
dark shulup.
we have grazeltov.
dark shulup.
we have grazeltov.
sounds like you guys are we have grazeltov.
sounds like you guys are making up names of colors.
sounds like you guys are making up names of colors.
[ laughter .]
Making up names of colors.
[ laughter .]
no.
[ laughter .]
no.
you know that one.
no.
you know that one.
sounds like you're on a you know that one.
sounds like you're on a hidden-camera show called sounds like you're on a hidden-camera show called "impractical jokers" and you're Hidden-camera show called "impractical jokers" and you're making up names of colors.
"impractical jokers" and you're making up names of colors.
[ laughter .]
Making up names of colors.
[ laughter .]
what are you looking for [ laughter .]
what are you looking for today? what are you looking for today? You all right? Today? You all right? um.
You all right? um.
sal, go up to her and say, um.
sal, go up to her and say, "you're out of your mind if you sal, go up to her and say, "you're out of your mind if you think I'm not gonna paint you "you're out of your mind if you think I'm not gonna paint you from memory [chuckling.]
Think I'm not gonna paint you from memory [chuckling.]
tonight.
" From memory [chuckling.]
tonight.
" um.
Tonight.
" um.
is it for a sketch pad or um.
is it for a sketch pad or yeah.
is it for a sketch pad or yeah.
so, see, you are out of your yeah.
so, see, you are out of your mind if you think I'm not gonna so, see, you are out of your mind if you think I'm not gonna paint you from memory tonight.
Mind if you think I'm not gonna paint you from memory tonight.
oh! Paint you from memory tonight.
oh! [ laughs .]
oh! [ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
that'd be awesome.
[ laughs .]
that'd be awesome.
what?! that'd be awesome.
what?! sketch pads are downstairs, what?! sketch pads are downstairs, but sketch pads are downstairs, but [ laughter .]
But [ laughter .]
joe, go up to this guy and [ laughter .]
joe, go up to this guy and just stare at the board he's joe, go up to this guy and just stare at the board he's looking at.
Just stare at the board he's looking at.
yeah.
I need one of the joe, don't say anything.
joe, don't say anything.
Just stare.
Don't say a word.
Just stare.
Don't say a word.
[ chuckles .]
Don't say a word.
[ chuckles .]
sal, you go over there, but [ chuckles .]
sal, you go over there, but don't say anything, either.
sal, you go over there, but don't say anything, either.
[ laughter .]
Don't say anything, either.
[ laughter .]
yeah.
Yeah.
I need [ laughter .]
yeah.
Yeah.
I need see how long it takes before yeah.
Yeah.
I need see how long it takes before he goes crazy.
see how long it takes before he goes crazy.
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
oh, the metallic silver.
[ ding! .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
you -- you don't paint, do you -- you don't paint, do you? You? no.
no.
do you have any artistic do you have any artistic ability like that, like drawing Ability like that, like drawing or painting, sketching? Or painting, sketching? I wish I did.
I wish I did.
q does other things with q does other things with paint, like huff it.
Paint, like huff it.
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
q, there's a little journal q, there's a little journal hidden right here behind those boxes.
Hidden right here behind those boxes.
Just grab it real quick.
Boxes.
Just grab it real quick.
this is my journal.
Just grab it real quick.
this is my journal.
it's a tough week for your this is my journal.
it's a tough week for your journal entries.
it's a tough week for your journal entries.
[ chuckles .]
Journal entries.
[ chuckles .]
she looks like she'd like to [ chuckles .]
she looks like she'd like to hear some of them.
she looks like she'd like to hear some of them.
oh, miss, did Hear some of them.
oh, miss, did Can I read you part of my oh, miss, did Can I read you part of my journal? Can I read you part of my journal? Yeah? Journal? Yeah? ooh! Yeah? ooh! [ laughter .]
ooh! [ laughter .]
"dear journal, anthony gave [ laughter .]
"dear journal, anthony gave me a wedgie.
" "dear journal, anthony gave me a wedgie.
" do you know what a wedgie is? Me a wedgie.
" do you know what a wedgie is? no.
No idea.
Do you know what a wedgie is? no.
No idea.
give murray a wedgie to no.
No idea.
give murray a wedgie to demonstrate.
give murray a wedgie to demonstrate.
check this out.
Demonstrate.
check this out.
Do you have underwear on? check this out.
Do you have underwear on? yes.
Do you have underwear on? yes.
okay.
yes.
okay.
ahh.
okay.
ahh.
give it to him.
ahh.
give it to him.
Give it to him.
give it to him.
Give it to him.
[ laughs .]
Give it to him.
[ laughs .]
like that.
[ laughs .]
like that.
ah, ah! like that.
ah, ah! [ laughs .]
ah, ah! [ laughs .]
thanks, buddy.
[ laughs .]
thanks, buddy.
Uh.
Then, "dave l.
Said I need thanks, buddy.
Uh.
Then, "dave l.
Said I need all my w-2s next time I see Uh.
Then, "dave l.
Said I need all my w-2s next time I see them.
" All my w-2s next time I see them.
" I hate taxes.
Them.
" I hate taxes.
oh, yes.
Me too.
I hate taxes.
oh, yes.
Me too.
yeah.
oh, yes.
Me too.
yeah.
[ laughs .]
yeah.
[ laughs .]
q, start making a journal [ laughs .]
q, start making a journal entry about her right now.
q, start making a journal entry about her right now.
[ laughter and applause .]
Entry about her right now.
[ laughter and applause .]
dear [ laughter and applause .]
dear oh, my goodness.
dear oh, my goodness.
Journal.
oh, my goodness.
Journal.
"I feel like I might have met Journal.
"I feel like I might have met my new lady.
" "I feel like I might have met my new lady.
" I feel like I may have met my My new lady.
" I feel like I may have met my new lady.
I feel like I may have met my new lady.
ah! New lady.
ah! [ laughter .]
ah! [ laughter .]
all right.
All right.
[ laughter .]
all right.
All right.
Well, thank you very much.
all right.
All right.
Well, thank you very much.
you're welcome.
Well, thank you very much.
you're welcome.
do you need help finding you're welcome.
do you need help finding something? do you need help finding something? My friend here with the wedgie Something? My friend here with the wedgie will be happy to help you.
My friend here with the wedgie will be happy to help you.
[ laughter .]
Will be happy to help you.
[ laughter .]
murray, get the lady with the [ laughter .]
murray, get the lady with the scooter.
murray, get the lady with the scooter.
here.
I'll hold this for you.
Scooter.
here.
I'll hold this for you.
Let me see.
here.
I'll hold this for you.
Let me see.
get on the scooter and take Let me see.
get on the scooter and take that for a spin, buddy.
get on the scooter and take that for a spin, buddy.
[ chuckles .]
That for a spin, buddy.
[ chuckles .]
uh, brian, do you know where [ chuckles .]
uh, brian, do you know where this is? Uh, brian, do you know where this is? uh, yes, I do.
This is? uh, yes, I do.
The cold press linseed oil is uh, yes, I do.
The cold press linseed oil is [ laughter .]
The cold press linseed oil is [ laughter .]
lap the store as fast as you [ laughter .]
lap the store as fast as you possibly can.
lap the store as fast as you possibly can.
sorry.
Watch out.
Possibly can.
sorry.
Watch out.
Beep beep! sorry.
Watch out.
Beep beep! faster, faster.
Beep beep! faster, faster.
beep beep! faster, faster.
beep beep! [ laughs .]
beep beep! [ laughs .]
whoa.
[ laughs .]
whoa.
beep beep! whoa.
beep beep! Sorry.
Watch out.
beep beep! Sorry.
Watch out.
Beep beep! Sorry.
Watch out.
Beep beep! [ tires screech.]
Beep beep! [ tires screech.]
oh! [ laughs .]
[ tires screech.]
oh! [ laughs .]
have a great day.
oh! [ laughs .]
have a great day.
Thanks for coming.
have a great day.
Thanks for coming.
[ laughter .]
Thanks for coming.
[ laughter .]
excuse me.
You got it.
[ laughter .]
excuse me.
You got it.
This is great.
Excuse me.
You got it.
This is great.
[ laughter .]
This is great.
[ laughter .]
hey, do you need help with [ laughter .]
hey, do you need help with anything? "are you an artist?" you're an artist? I'm a former artist.
you're an artist? I'm a former artist.
"my grandpa was an artist.
" I'm a former artist.
"my grandpa was an artist.
" my grandpa was an artist.
"my grandpa was an artist.
" my grandpa was an artist.
oh, really? my grandpa was an artist.
oh, really? yeah.
oh, really? yeah.
"he had an amazing stroke.
" yeah.
"he had an amazing stroke.
" he had an amazing stroke.
"he had an amazing stroke.
" he had an amazing stroke.
Yeah.
he had an amazing stroke.
Yeah.
"that's how he died.
" Yeah.
"that's how he died.
" yeah.
That's how he died.
[ chuckling .]
a stroke.
a stroke.
Yeah, he had a -- he had a [ somber music plays .]
Yeah, he had a -- he had a [ somber music plays .]
[ chuckles .]
[ somber music plays .]
[ chuckles .]
just walk away.
[ chuckles .]
just walk away.
[ laughs .]
just walk away.
[ laughs .]
I wish you hadn't brought up [ laughs .]
I wish you hadn't brought up his grandfather.
I wish you hadn't brought up his grandfather.
[ laughter .]
His grandfather.
[ laughter .]
yes? Mm-hmm.
"what's your favorite color?" "what's your favorite color?" what is your favorite color? red? what is your favorite color? red? ready? red? ready? "mine's african-american.
" ready? "mine's african-american.
" ohh.
"mine's african-american.
" ohh.
[ laughter .]
[ chuckling .]
mine's african-american.
[ laughter .]
African-american.
[ laughter .]
look at q -- q can't believe [ laughter .]
look at q -- q can't believe it.
look at q -- q can't believe it.
the glossies are downstairs.
It.
the glossies are downstairs.
I'll show you.
the glossies are downstairs.
I'll show you.
wow.
I teamed up with the I'll show you.
wow.
I teamed up with the right guy today.
wow.
I teamed up with the right guy today.
ahhh.
Right guy today.
ahhh.
[ ding! .]
ahhh.
[ ding! .]
[ laughs .]
[ ding! .]
[ laughs .]
narrator: All the guys [ laughs .]
narrator: All the guys painted by the numbers, so narrator: All the guys painted by the numbers, so there's no change on the Painted by the numbers, so there's no change on the loser board.
There's no change on the loser board.
seems like, nowadays, Loser board.
seems like, nowadays, everyone's talking about their seems like, nowadays, everyone's talking about their blogs.
Everyone's talking about their blogs.
Blah, blah, blogs.
Blogs.
Blah, blah, blogs.
well, today, we're gonna ask Blah, blah, blogs.
well, today, we're gonna ask people to let us take their well, today, we're gonna ask people to let us take their picture for our blogs.
People to let us take their picture for our blogs.
but we won't know the name of Picture for our blogs.
but we won't know the name of our own blog until the other but we won't know the name of our own blog until the other guys tell us.
if you can't convince your person to let you take their Person to let you take their picture after hearing what the Picture after hearing what the blog's about, you lose.
Blog's about, you lose.
"my blog's about puppies "my blog's about puppies doing somersaults.
" shut up! No one cares! narrator: It's joe and sal in a joker vs.
Joker challenge.
A joker vs.
Joker challenge.
hey, bud.
hey, bud.
I take -- I take pictures for I take -- I take pictures for our blog.
Our blog.
"hasidic jewels.
" "hasidic jewels.
" oh.
It's "hasidic jewels.
" oh.
It's "hasidic jewels.
" [ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
it's people that are just diamonds of a guy, who are also It's people that are just diamonds of a guy, who are also hasidic, but, really, just a Diamonds of a guy, who are also hasidic, but, really, just a jewel of a guy.
Hasidic, but, really, just a jewel of a guy.
hey, joe, tell him more about Jewel of a guy.
hey, joe, tell him more about your work.
hey, joe, tell him more about your work.
you know, I did a series in Your work.
you know, I did a series in egypt.
you know, I did a series in egypt.
I did "hasidic jewels of Egypt.
I did "hasidic jewels of the nile.
" I did "hasidic jewels of the nile.
" [ chuckles .]
The nile.
" [ chuckles .]
and then I have one when I [ chuckles .]
and then I have one when I do -- when there's music, I do and then I have one when I do -- when there's music, I do "hasidic jewels.
" Do -- when there's music, I do "hasidic jewels.
" and they're hasidic jews that "hasidic jewels.
" and they're hasidic jews that look like the singer jewel.
And they're hasidic jews that look like the singer jewel.
[ laughs .]
Look like the singer jewel.
[ laughs .]
so I was wondering if I'd [ laughs .]
so I was wondering if I'd just take a picture of you for so I was wondering if I'd just take a picture of you for my blog.
Just take a picture of you for my blog.
yeah.
My blog.
yeah.
yeah? All right.
yeah.
yeah? All right.
So, there you go.
yeah? All right.
So, there you go.
That's great.
So, there you go.
That's great.
[ camera shutter clicks .]
That's great.
[ camera shutter clicks .]
thank you.
[ camera shutter clicks .]
thank you.
wow.
Thank you.
wow.
that was a gift.
wow.
that was a gift.
that guy was a gift from that was a gift.
that guy was a gift from yahweh.
that guy was a gift from yahweh.
[ laughing .]
was a gift from Yahweh.
[ laughing .]
was a gift from yahweh.
[ laughing .]
was a gift from yahweh.
[ laughs .]
Yahweh.
[ laughs .]
hey, man.
[ laughs .]
hey, man.
I do a blog for new york city.
hey, man.
I do a blog for new york city.
I just take pictures of I do a blog for new york city.
I just take pictures of new york city-like types.
I just take pictures of new york city-like types.
You got a great look.
New york city-like types.
You got a great look.
The name of my blog is You got a great look.
The name of my blog is "silly little short fellows.
" The name of my blog is "silly little short fellows.
" [ laughter .]
"silly little short fellows.
" [ laughter .]
uh.
The name of my blog is [ laughter .]
uh.
The name of my blog is "guys who could break me with a uh.
The name of my blog is "guys who could break me with a blink of their eye.
" "guys who could break me with a blink of their eye.
" [ laughter .]
Blink of their eye.
" [ laughter .]
you got me.
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
excuse me.
excuse me.
I have a blog, and you look like I have a blog, and you look like you'd be perfect for the blog.
You'd be perfect for the blog.
The name of the blog is The name of the blog is actually Actually "what? Aw, hell no! "what? Aw, hell no! Hold up.
Huh? Oh, okay.
" Hold up.
Huh? Oh, okay.
" [ laughter .]
Oh, okay.
" [ laughter .]
it's called, "what? [ laughter .]
it's called, "what? Oh, hell no.
it's called, "what? Oh, hell no.
Hold up.
Huh? Oh, hell no.
Hold up.
Huh? Oh, okay.
" Hold up.
Huh? Oh, okay.
" [ laughter .]
Oh, okay.
" [ laughter .]
what is that blog about? [ laughter .]
what is that blog about? the blog is about so many what is that blog about? the blog is about so many different things.
the blog is about so many different things.
It's about things that make you Different things.
It's about things that make you go, "what?" you know? And then it's like, when you don't want to accept those Don't want to accept those things, that's the part of the Things, that's the part of the blog, the second page -- it's Blog, the second page -- it's called, "oh, hell no!" Called, "oh, hell no!" [ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
and then it's like, "hold up, 'cause then maybe I didn't think And then it's like, "hold up, 'cause then maybe I didn't think that through.
'cause then maybe I didn't think that through.
Maybe I do want to know about That through.
Maybe I do want to know about it.
" Maybe I do want to know about it.
" and then it's like, "huh? It.
" and then it's like, "huh? Oh, okay.
" And then it's like, "huh? Oh, okay.
" oh, oh.
Oh, okay.
" oh, oh.
you know what I mean? oh, oh.
you know what I mean? [ laughter .]
you know what I mean? [ laughter .]
would you mind if I take your [ laughter .]
would you mind if I take your photo for the blog? Would you mind if I take your photo for the blog? okay, sure.
Why not? Photo for the blog? okay, sure.
Why not? people will do anything okay, sure.
Why not? people will do anything wow.
people will do anything wow.
If you put them on the wow.
If you put them on the blog.
If you put them on the blog.
what the hell? Blog.
what the hell? okay, how does she fit into what the hell? okay, how does she fit into that blog? okay, how does she fit into that blog? I don't know.
That blog? I don't know.
what? I don't know.
what? Oh, hell no.
what? Oh, hell no.
hold up.
Oh, hell no.
hold up.
hold up.
hold up.
hold up.
huh? hold up.
huh? huh? huh? huh? oh, okay.
huh? oh, okay.
oh, okay.
oh, okay.
oh, okay.
[ laughter .]
oh, okay.
[ laughter .]
[ camera shutter clicks .]
[ laughter .]
[ camera shutter clicks .]
sal, I cannot believe you [ camera shutter clicks .]
sal, I cannot believe you pulled that out of your ass.
sal, I cannot believe you pulled that out of your ass.
when I was going, were you Pulled that out of your ass.
when I was going, were you like, "what?" when I was going, were you like, "what?" oh, hell no.
Like, "what?" oh, hell no.
oh, hell no.
oh, hell no.
oh, hell no.
but then I was like oh, hell no.
but then I was like together: "hold up.
Huh? but then I was like together: "hold up.
Huh? Oh, okay.
" [ ding! .]
I cannot believe what you just did.
I cannot believe what you just did.
narrator: Joe got narrator: Joe got photobombed, making him tonight's big loser! it's a joe gatto punishment wow.
Punishment wow.
yes! wow.
yes! Which means we're pulling yes! Which means we're pulling out all the stops.
Which means we're pulling out all the stops.
And we came to the one place, Out all the stops.
And we came to the one place, joe, you do not want to mess And we came to the one place, joe, you do not want to mess around Joe, you do not want to mess around the airport.
Around the airport.
The airport.
the airport.
The airport.
yes.
The airport.
yes.
Jfk international airport, to be yes.
Jfk international airport, to be exact.
Jfk international airport, to be exact.
we've prepared your Exact.
we've prepared your itinerary, buddy.
we've prepared your itinerary, buddy.
oh.
Itinerary, buddy.
oh.
all you've got to do is oh.
all you've got to do is everything it says inside in all you've got to do is everything it says inside in that order.
Everything it says inside in that order.
peace this.
That order.
peace this.
[ laughter .]
peace this.
[ laughter .]
all right, here we go.
[ laughter .]
all right, here we go.
joe, you have a really hectic all right, here we go.
joe, you have a really hectic itinerary today.
joe, you have a really hectic itinerary today.
he's got so many things Itinerary today.
he's got so many things today.
he's got so many things today.
you got to crack it, because Today.
you got to crack it, because it's Thursday.
you got to crack it, because it's Thursday.
right? It's Thursday.
right? you've got a ticket, my right? you've got a ticket, my friend, to embarrassment.
you're a limo driver picking up a client.
Up a client.
yeah, your hat and sign are yeah, your hat and sign are on the carousel, my friend.
Do you want to just go pick them On the carousel, my friend.
Do you want to just go pick them up? Do you want to just go pick them up? [ laughter .]
Up? [ laughter .]
jugs mcbulge is who I'm [ laughter .]
jugs mcbulge is who I'm picking up.
jugs mcbulge is who I'm picking up.
[ laughter .]
Picking up.
[ laughter .]
jugs mcbulge.
[ laughter .]
jugs mcbulge.
"get in here, mcbulge! jugs mcbulge.
"get in here, mcbulge! Your antics cost this city "get in here, mcbulge! Your antics cost this city $10 million!" Your antics cost this city $10 million!" "badge, gun -- now, mcbulge!" $10 million!" "badge, gun -- now, mcbulge!" are you guys making "badge, gun -- now, mcbulge!" are you guys making jugs mcbulge's backstory? are you guys making jugs mcbulge's backstory? yeah.
He disappeared for Jugs mcbulge's backstory? yeah.
He disappeared for yeah.
He disappeared for him.
him.
[ sighs .]
here we go.
Him.
[ sighs .]
here we go.
Jugs? [ sighs .]
here we go.
Jugs? No, not jugs? Jugs? No, not jugs? Are any of you ladies No, not jugs? Are any of you ladies jugs mcbulge? Are any of you ladies jugs mcbulge? [ laughter .]
That's not you? no.
no.
no? Okay.
no? Okay.
Your name is not jugs mcbulge? Your name is not jugs mcbulge? I've been waiting for jugs all day.
I've been waiting for jugs all day.
[ laughter .]
Day.
[ laughter .]
you're not jugs mcbulge, are [ laughter .]
you're not jugs mcbulge, are you? You're not jugs mcbulge, are you? J.
Mcbulge? No? You? J.
Mcbulge? No? [ laughter .]
J.
Mcbulge? No? [ laughter .]
oh [bleep.]
[ laughter .]
oh [bleep.]
joe, mcbulge missed the flight.
oh [bleep.]
joe, mcbulge missed the flight.
oh, really? Joe, mcbulge missed the flight.
oh, really? I'm not picking somebody up? oh, really? I'm not picking somebody up? it's not over yet, pal.
I'm not picking somebody up? it's not over yet, pal.
[ chuckles .]
it's not over yet, pal.
[ chuckles .]
check your itinerary.
[ chuckles .]
check your itinerary.
There's more.
check your itinerary.
There's more.
[ laughter .]
take people's luggage out of their hand and put it back on Their hand and put it back on the carousel.
The carousel.
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
that's tough, man.
[ laughter .]
That's tough, man.
[ laughter .]
oh, that one's -- this one was [ laughter .]
oh, that one's -- this one was yours? Oh, that one's -- this one was yours? Yeah.
Yours? Yeah.
[ laughter .]
Yeah.
[ laughter .]
that one was -- oh, that was [ laughter .]
that one was -- oh, that was theirs.
That one was -- oh, that was theirs.
[ laughter .]
Theirs.
[ laughter .]
oh, that one was yours? [ laughter .]
oh, that one was yours? yes.
Oh, that one was yours? yes.
yeah.
yes.
yeah.
This is mine.
yeah.
This is mine.
yeah.
This is mine.
yeah.
[ laughter .]
yeah.
[ laughter .]
oh, this was -- this one came [ laughter .]
oh, this was -- this one came in from oh, this was -- this one came in from Here we go.
In from Here we go.
joe Here we go.
joe oh.
joe oh.
you look like such an [bleep.]
oh.
you look like such an [bleep.]
ohh.
you look like such an [bleep.]
ohh.
[ laughter .]
ohh.
[ laughter .]
I don't know.
[ laughter .]
I don't know.
oh, wow.
I don't know.
oh, wow.
buddy.
oh, wow.
buddy.
I rarely see this look on buddy.
I rarely see this look on your face that you have right I rarely see this look on your face that you have right now.
Your face that you have right now.
ohh.
Now.
ohh.
all right, bud.
ohh.
all right, bud.
Look what's next on your all right, bud.
Look what's next on your itinerary.
stop and frisk travelers.
[ laughing .]
yeah.
[ laughing .]
yeah.
This guy in the red jacket -- This guy in the red jacket -- turn to him.
Good luck with this guy.
Turn to him.
Good luck with this guy.
I'm just, actually -- Good luck with this guy.
I'm just, actually -- I'm just -- I'm frisking I'm just, actually -- I'm just -- I'm frisking travelers.
I'm just -- I'm frisking travelers.
what? Travelers.
what? I was gonna frisk you.
[ laughs .]
okay.
oh, my god! oh, my god! not gonna frisk you.
not gonna frisk you.
Not gonna frisk you.
Not gonna frisk you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
that doesn't count.
Keep going.
that doesn't count.
Keep going.
just gonna do a -- just gonna Keep going.
just gonna do a -- just gonna do a quick pat-down just gonna do a -- just gonna do a quick pat-down Just real quick.
Do a quick pat-down Just real quick.
[ laughter .]
Just real quick.
[ laughter .]
spread these out.
[ laughter .]
spread these out.
There you go.
Spread these out.
There you go.
Thank you.
There you go.
Thank you.
Just turn it around.
Thank you.
Just turn it around.
Thanks.
Keep 'em out.
Just turn it around.
Thanks.
Keep 'em out.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Keep 'em out.
Thank you.
Good.
Thank you.
Good.
[ laughter and applause .]
Good.
[ laughter and applause .]
all right, joe, you've made [ laughter and applause .]
all right, joe, you've made it through.
all right, joe, you've made it through.
this is the final thing on It through.
this is the final thing on your itinerary, buddy.
this is the final thing on your itinerary, buddy.
[ laughs .]
Your itinerary, buddy.
[ laughs .]
so, what do you have to do? I have to go and get my blow-up doll that's on the Blow-up doll that's on the carousel.
Carousel.
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
this is so stupid.
[ laughter .]
This is so stupid.
[ laughter .]
[ sighs .]
[ laughter .]
[ sighs .]
make sure everyone knows [ sighs .]
make sure everyone knows that's your blow-up doll.
make sure everyone knows that's your blow-up doll.
oh, here it comes.
That's your blow-up doll.
oh, here it comes.
[ laughter .]
oh, here it comes.
[ laughter .]
sorry.
Excuse me.
[ laughter .]
sorry.
Excuse me.
I just got to get my blow-up Sorry.
Excuse me.
I just got to get my blow-up doll.
I just got to get my blow-up doll.
bigger, louder.
Doll.
bigger, louder.
[ louder .]
sorry.
Excuse me.
bigger, louder.
[ louder .]
sorry.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
[ louder .]
sorry.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Here it is.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Here it is.
I got it.
Here it is.
I got it.
[ laughter .]
I got it.
[ laughter .]
I got my blow-up doll.
[ laughter .]
I got my blow-up doll.
Ladies and gentlemen, I got my I got my blow-up doll.
Ladies and gentlemen, I got my blow-up doll.
Ladies and gentlemen, I got my blow-up doll.
This one was mine.
Blow-up doll.
This one was mine.
[ laughter .]
This one was mine.
[ laughter .]
it came in from charlotte.
[ laughter .]
it came in from charlotte.
I couldn't stow it.
I had to check it -- $25 fee for this, but she made it safe.
This, but she made it safe.
[ laughter .]
you look like a defeated, broken man.
Broken man.
watch your head, sweetheart.