Jane the Virgin (2014) s03e18 Episode Script
Chapter Sixty-Two
1 LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: All righty, to catch you up: as a child, Jane's grandmother taught her to protect her flower.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But now our Jane was ready to have her first fling.
With Fabian.
But then she learned that he's - I'm sort of saving myself.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: So, yeah, she wasn't expecting that.
And she thought she'd end it, but then she had the best night ever.
Seriously, it was epic.
And, speaking of epic, Xo and Ro are engaged! To each other this time.
Oh, and Rafael declared his love for Petra.
I do have feelings for you.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But she missed the call.
Because she was with her new boyfriend, Chuck, who might have killed Scott.
Scott's burn book mentioned someone named J.
P.
Those initials mean anything to you? "J.
P.
" is short for "jerky pants.
" It's what we used to call the horrible man who wanted to buy hotel next door because he was always eating jerky of the gators.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: FYI: that weirdo's her twin sister.
But that's not the point.
The point is that Petra could be in real danger.
So, yeah love, sex, danger.
Let's get to it already.
You may or may not be surprised to hear this, but young Jane Gloriana Villanueva had a recurring nightmare throughout her childhood.
- (cackling) - (Jane screams) All the way into her teen years.
Yup.
That damn flower.
Couple that with Jane's tendency to romanticize, and, well, it often led to our Jane getting a little ahead in her relationships.
So after a night like last night, well, it's no wonder the next day she felt like I'm just taking it slow and seeing where it goes.
You know? No expectations.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Whoa.
I wasn't expecting that.
There was a time where you'd be writing your wedding vows after a night like that.
Yeah, well, you know, that was a long time ago.
For now, we're just getting to know each other.
- (phone vibrates) - Oh.
Hang on, it's Jeremy.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Her bro editor.
- Hey.
- JEREMY: Tick, tick, tick, boom! Huge news, J.
V.
How would you feel about writing a guest column for Cosmopolitan online? A-A column? Really? It's a good angle.
What it's like to be dating as a widow at 28.
If you're up for writing about that? Yes.
I-I definitely am.
And, actually, it's perfect timing, - because I just started dating.
- JEREMY: Boom! Kismet.
Slay the column and you'll build some surefire buzz for your book.
And remember, Cosmo's pretty sexy, so don't shy away from the hotness.
I will slay it and I will bring the hotness.
I'm writing a column! Ooh, like Sex and the City? Yes.
I am so Carrie Bradshaw.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I'm a Miranda.
I know, most people are surprised.
What?! Son of a (sighs) I just don't want it to be sad and dark, you know? Totally.
It should be fun, breezy, romantic.
You told her? We agreed to tell her together.
What? No, I didn't, weirdo, we were talking about something else.
- Oh.
Well, carry on then.
- JANE: No, hey, hey what didn't you want her to tell me? BOTH: We're getting married! What?! I proposed last night.
You did? With your grandpa's ring.
Oh I wanted to do things differently, and I love your dad and I know he's the one for me.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: No need to romanticize this moment.
I'm just so happy.
(giggles, cries) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It was absolutely perfect.
(sniffles) Oh.
Okay how huge? Richard Branson's private island? Or did Elon Musk finally return your calls and you guys are getting married in space? First of all, Elon Musk always returns my calls after a very tasteful interval, just as one would expect from a very busy man.
Mm-hmm.
Secondly, we've decided to do something small and intimate.
We're both in our 40s.
Very early 40s.
And Rogelio's done the whole big wedding thing a few times already.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, Oprah's pretty sick of buying him toasters.
And I really don't want one.
And you're okay with that? It's fine.
I just want to marry your mom.
Again.
Rogelio.
We need you on set.
On my way, Rudy.
Now I must try to wipe this joy off my face.
We're about to shoot a very tense and dramatic scene.
The key: never blinking.
It announces to everyone how focused and intense you are.
And a bit scary.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, this is making me very tense.
Well, that and the hunting rifle in the backseat.
And the fact that we just found out he's the mysterious J.
P.
who might have killed Scott.
Sorry, I must have dozed off.
No problem, darling.
We've still got a ways to go.
Can I use your charger? Oh, I don't have one for the truck.
Whoa! What are you doing? - Where are we going? - I know a shortcut.
Why so jumpy? 'Cause I only have 72 hours to figure out who this J.
P.
guy is before Anezka's forced to take that plea deal.
Hence the shortcut.
Next question? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Come on, Jane.
This is your big Sex and the City moment.
What would Carrie do? JANE: Although it's been three years and I know it's time to date, I couldn't help but wonder.
Can I find love again, after loss? Or has this widow peaked? RAFAEL: Hey, Jane, you home? Uh (sighs) - Mommy! - Oh, Mr.
Sweetface.
Hey, girls.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Isn't it Petra's day? She's away.
With her friend Chuck.
Boyfriend, not friend.
- You okay? - Yeah.
You know, what can you do? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I don't know, leave a message pouring your heart out? Okay, I'm gonna get the girls to violin.
Hey, Xo.
Congrats on your engagement.
Thanks.
We're so excited.
Hey, when are we going wedding dress shopping, - by the way? - I was thinking I'd go with the cute white dress I wore to my birthday.
You're not getting a new dress? I really like that one, and I only wore it once.
So, what are you and Fabian doing tonight? I don't know.
He says he has something planned.
- Ooh.
- (squeals) A surprise.
How romantic.
So I thought maybe you could make me a reading list.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hmm.
Okay, well, knowing Jane, that could actually be romantic.
A reading list? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, I was reaching.
Well, I love Fahrenheit 451, but I'm almost done.
So what should I read next? Well, if you want something similar Catch 22? Hey, is that a gone-ra? Number books? - I'm sorry, what? - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I'm sorry, what? Like 1984.
Books with numbers in the title.
I-Is that, like, a gone-ra? Oh.
You mean genre.
Oh.
I didn't know that the G was silent.
No, the G isn't silent, it's just Never mind.
Also, I would like to discuss a couple parts of the book with you.
If you don't mind.
I just think that book burning is wrong.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Freedom of speech isn't about just protecting, you know, speech that we're comfortable with, it's about protecting all speech.
- (imitates explosion) - Ha.
That That's genius.
You know, I'm I'm actually getting pretty tired.
Oh.
Well, I get it.
My brain hurts too.
So should we pick it up tomorrow morning, maybe at the library? Look, Fabian, it's not that I'm not enjoying this little book club.
But I just want to make sure that you're not into me just because of my brains.
I mean, are you interested in the other side of me? You mean butt stuff? I mean the whole body.
Are you attracted to me? Of-Of course I'm attracted to you.
Really? I would love nothing more than to burn all those books, lay you down on the ash and make love to you until you scream with pleasure.
- Ah.
- Why do you think I've been burying myself in books on all our dates? It's because otherwise I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off you.
Oh.
Okay.
I just wanted to make sure that romance was still on the table.
I want you on the table.
No, I know what I said about waiting, but with you, Jane, I I just can't wait.
I want to make love to you.
Right now.
Are you sure? I mean, you don't have to do this.
I know I don't have to.
I want to.
Are you serious? I'm so very serious.
Let's make love, Jane.
Oh.
Uh, great.
Okay.
Let me just go Oh.
Um, powder my nose.
And then we can make love.
(chuckles) - (exhales) - JANE: Okay.
You're having your fling.
It's about damn time.
You can do this.
It's not a big deal.
(phone vibrates) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: My God, is that woman psychic? Abuela? - - MATEO: Mommy! - - MATEO: I want my mommy! - - MATEO: I need you, Mommy! No, it's okay, I'll be right home.
Sorry to do this, but I have to go Whoa! Oh (short chuckle) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hello, Mr.
Big.
Uh Uh Um, uh I hope it is clear now I am very attracted to you.
Oh, yes, it is, thank you.
But I-I I have to take a rain check.
Mateo needs me at home.
Oh, no.
Is-Is everything all right? Oh yeah, it was just a bad dream, but, you know, he was r-really upset and, um, asking for me.
And, as a mother, you know, duty calls.
- Of course.
Motherhood is a sacred duty.
- Yes, right.
So if y-you don't mind grabbing me my purse? It's just right next to your - your penis.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Here you go.
- (both chuckle) - And I'll call to check in.
But if you're too busy being a mother and you can't answer, it's okay.
- I understand.
- Thank you.
Poor Mr.
Sweetface.
What happened, huh? You had a bad dream? - Yeah.
It was so scary.
- Oh.
You want to tell Mommy about it? What does "artificial" mean? Artificial.
That's a big word.
Um It means not real, or natural.
Why? Timmy at school said his parents told him I'm artificial.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ooh.
A little early to have the all "accidentally artificially inseminated" convo.
Well, that's just silly.
All kids - are real.
- How are babies made? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And this convo.
Well, it's Hmm.
There there is an egg inside the mommy.
And a little swimmer that the daddy has.
And when the two get together How do the egg and the swimmer get together? Oh.
Well usually Mommy and Daddy give each other a special hug.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah.
The special hug.
Classic.
Can I ask another question? Of course.
Do ants have bones? Oh, no.
(laughs) Ants do not have bones.
They are invertebrates, another big word.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And crisis averted.
Well, one crisis, anyway.
I get it, Princess and the Pea, it ain't your penthouse.
It's fine.
I grew up with less.
But you're mad.
Yes, I'm mad.
'Cause you got us lost.
And the stupid bar was closed.
- Who closes a bar at midnight? - Who doesn't call first? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: A guy who doesn't want you to get there.
I should've gone with Rafael's P.
I.
A professional would've called ahead of time before driving for eight hours and ending up in the middle of nowhere.
Yeah, I guess I screwed up again.
No.
I'm sorry.
Uh, it's just my nerves are fried, because I need this J.
P.
thing to lead somewhere so I can get my sister out of jail and then out of the country and everything can just go back to normal.
I'll get the rest of the stuff out of the truck.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Now's your chance.
Run! Forget the phone and get out of there! (sighs) RAFAEL: Hey, uh, it's me.
Quick question.
The twins' dojo called asking if we want to sign them up for the next session.
Look, I know when you asked me before, I denied it, but the truth is, I do have feelings for you.
And I know, you are with Chuck But I don't know I guess I'm calling because I wanted to say, before it's too late that you shouldn't be.
You should be with me.
(knocking) Sorry to bother you, Mr.
Solano, but we're looking for Chuck Chesser.
He's with Petra.
They're out of town.
- What's going on? - DANA: We need to question him about Scott Archuletta's murder.
We have reason to believe Chuck is J.
P.
(phone buzzing) (door opens) - Something wrong? - No.
- (door closes) - What's with the gun? I don't want my truck broken into.
Bad neighborhood.
Anyway, I reek like an old swamp possum.
Let's hope they got hot water in this place.
Want to join me? I think I'll let you get the swamp possum off first.
- (chuckling) - Say, do you have any clothes in there? I want to change.
Knock yourself out.
Everything's definitely been washed in the last two years.
(chuckling) (water running in shower) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wait.
Those shells look familiar.
Oh, my God.
(quietly): Oh, my God.
(phone chimes) (phone buzzes) I-I'm with Chuck.
I think he killed Scott.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Finally! Where are you? At some dumpy motel near Pensacola.
The-the the Copper Palms.
It's off the old highway, exit There's no hot water in this hell hole.
Oh, God, what exit was it?! He's coming out of the shower.
We're talking to the Pensacola police.
- Get out of there! - Okay.
Okay.
Get out of there now! Where do you think you're going? I just needed some fresh air.
(sighs) We need to talk.
I'm not feeling chatty.
Look I've been lying to you.
About Scott.
I did know him.
I already know that.
J.
P.
What? (groaning) (whimpering) Petra! - (mumbles) - (screaming) Come here.
- (screaming) - Look, Petra! Just listen to me! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Or at least pretend to listen to buy yourself some freaking time so the police can get there! I'm listening.
I'm not a killer.
I just knew the guy, that's all.
- How? - When I was looking to buy the Fairwick a few years back, I needed someone to help me get some inside information.
No! Continue from over there.
Anyway, afterwards, I paid him.
Deal's done, right? No.
Little weasel upped his price.
So I called off the deal, called him a few colorful names, end of story.
I have no idea what "J.
P.
" means! You lied to the police in a murder investigation.
And you've been lying to me for months.
You lied, too about the bones, and your lie was worse.
This is not a competition, and you lied for longer.
And you've been acting jumpy all day.
- 'Cause I was nervous.
- Because you're J.
P.
- No! - Then why? Because I'm trying to tell you that I love you! What? Yes.
All day.
And then everything went wrong, and I screwed up, and the bar closed.
That's why I've been so nervous.
Chuck (police siren whoops) (tires squealing) OFFICER: Freeze! Police! Hands up.
(tires squealing) JANE: I can't believe it.
- You think Chuck did it? - RAFAEL: I don't know.
The police are questioning him.
Hey, so why'd the school call? Mateo's been running around the playground giving all the girls special hugs and telling them that they're having his baby.
Ooh.
Ugh.
I know.
I'll handle it.
It's my fault.
You stay with Petra, and please tell her if she needs anything at all, I'm here.
Thanks.
I will.
(sighs) I'm sure Jane said nice things, but I'm still rattled, so I can't pretend to be touched right now.
Do you think Chuck did it? He did lie about knowing Scott.
Yeah, I lied.
It was stupid.
But that don't mean I killed him.
- Did you see Mr.
Archuletta that night? - No.
I was supposed to, but I swear on my mama's life, he never showed.
And that shell bracelet? Identical to a shell found at the crime scene? I'm getting to that.
I'd been waiting a while, so I started walking the beach, having some whiskey.
I saw this lady.
She said she'd kill for a drink, so I offered her a swig of mine.
We got to talking, I told her how I bought the hotel next door.
She gave me one of her bracelets.
Said they brought good luck.
- Did you get a good look at her face? - Well, good enough.
I could describe her for you, no problem.
First we'll need, in writing, a guarantee that you're dropping those other charges against him.
Once you do, he'll be happy to talk to a sketch artist.
JANE: Mateo, stop coloring.
I need you to listen to me.
Hey.
Psst.
Do you understand? You can't go around giving your friends special hugs.
But I wanted to make a baby with my friends.
I know, but to make a baby, you have to be an adult, and, also, it's a different type of hug.
Meant for two grown-ups who love each other, not kids.
So you can't make a baby with your friends.
Do you understand? Special hugs are for grown-ups who really love each other, not kids.
That's right! So that's what you and Daddy did to make me? Um You know what? Like, if you want me to come back, maybe I can just Ugh.
Okay.
No, it-it's actually not exactly what happened with us.
So, how was I made? Hey, you know what? I forgot that I bought ice cream at the store today.
Do you want some before bed? Ice cream?! Yes! (sighs) I know, I know.
Total parenting fail.
Put it out of your head.
Mateo will be fine.
Are you ready? I am so ready.
Ooh, nice bold lip.
Thank you.
I've gotten over the temporary guilt caused by years of negative-sex messaging, and I am ready to celebrate that with Fabian.
Naked.
That's my girl! (laughs) Now come on, show me what you're wearing.
(laughs) - What do you think? - Ooh, I love! But you don't have the underwear.
Are these Abuela's? Lingerie hasn't exactly been my priority lately.
Perfect.
Then don't wear any.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, Samantha, calm down.
Good idea.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Damn, mama! Now, remember, there's nothing to feel guilty about.
You are two consenting adults who are on the same page.
(giggling) (sighs) (knocking) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: They may be on the same page Jane.
- You look amazing.
- (laughs) I have a very special surprise for you.
Meet my abuela! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But they were reading from very different books.
I told you I was so very serious about you.
Mmm.
You've got to admit this is the best you've ever had.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
Dinner with Fabian.
- And his abuela.
- Delicious.
Thank you so much, Señora Belen.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Certainly an occasion when one would rather be wearing underwear.
Let me get that for you! I'll get it.
(laughing): Oh, just Here you go.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I mean, how much could he have said? The guy's known Jane for five minutes! JANE: So as I stood there, waiting to escape, I started to wonder.
For this widow, should casual dating be left on the shelf? As if mama's boys aren't bad enough.
Now we're dealing with grandmama's boys? I'm ending it.
Fabian and I are clearly not on the same page.
Oh, honey, don't end it before you screw him first.
The man has "Fab" in his name.
It's like he's advertising that he's great in bed.
(laughs) You've only dodged the bullet if the bullet is small.
Shh! Salma Hayek can't be hearing these things.
She's a lady.
Ugh.
Trust me, there's nothing wrong with casual sex.
I just had sex in the bathroom.
Turns out hand sanitizer makes great lube.
(laughter) What kind of girl is that, Ma? The kind who has a healthy relationship with sex? You're the one who needs to stop.
Your shame-flower has done enough damage.
Do you? No.
I don't.
At all.
But it definitely affected the way I feel about sex now.
And not in the best way.
But that's beside the point, because now that I know that Fabian and I are not on the same page, I cannot keep seeing him.
I- support your decision.
Thanks, Dad.
Just don't break his heart until after we shoot our big action sequence.
I need him focused.
He's a nightmare with continuity.
He can never do the same thing twice.
He doesn't appreciate how important it is that shots match.
Audiences notice these things! - Okay, okay, I'll come by later.
- What time are you guys done? - At 3:00.
- (phone buzzing) Aha! My assistant got us an appointment at 4:00 on Tuesday, Miami Municipal.
You guys are getting married in the courthouse? Is that what you want, Mom? Yes.
Trust me, I was never the kind of girl who dreamed of a big fancy wedding.
You saved this thing? Mm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Before she became Slutty Crystal I hope.
Mm.
After we got engaged, we were talking.
So, listen, I know you're gonna want a wedding at the Taj Mahal or something.
They don't do weddings.
I checked before.
And I actually don't think we should do another big wedding.
It will remind Jane of hers.
That's exactly what I was gonna say.
He wants to know about his parents.
- It makes sense.
- RAFAEL: I know.
- So we should tell him.
- JANE: How? I mean, it's not your typical birds-and-bees story.
We'll do it together.
And we'll just figure out some kid-friendly version.
Okay.
Come over tonight.
And wish me luck.
I got to go break up with a telenovela star.
- Ooh, your muscles! - Oh, stop.
- They aren't that big.
- Oh, wow.
(laughs) Jane! Hi! Please, tell our American audience, who is this? That is Jane my lady.
REPORTER: Oh.
Wow.
Is it serious? FABIAN: Oh, it's so serious! - Yes! - I can't believe how happy you seem! That's because Jane is the most amazing woman I have ever met! We're head over heels for each other! - Really? - Yes! I'm crazy about this woman! (whoops) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, buddy.
That's risky business right there.
Oh, God, I can't watch.
I wish my eyes were wide shut.
This is far and away the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen.
What the hell was that? I couldn't help it.
I'm just so into you.
And everyone loved it when Tom Cruise did it.
Okay, Fabian, h-here's the thing.
There's been a massive misunderstanding.
I'm not actually serious about you.
What? I was asking if you were serious about having sex.
Because that's all that I'm serious about.
But you're not serious about me as a person? Well, I But I just performed a Tom Cruise for you! I didn't ask you to! And-and who does that for someone they've only known for a week? Some who's passionate and excited.
- And way over the top.
- Over the top?! You know what? I'm glad I didn't make love to you.
Well, I'm glad I didn't make love to you! Well, you wouldn't be saying that if I had made love to you! (shouts) (shouts) - Hey.
Hey, no - (laughing) no jumping on the furniture, Mateo.
No matter how much you love Mommy.
(chuckles) Can I stay in here until I fall asleep? Sure, but just for tonight.
- (grunts) - (sighs) So, instead of reading you a story, tonight, Daddy and I want to tell you a very special story about how our family came to be.
It's an unusual story, because, usually, parents meet first and then fall in love and then they have a baby.
But in our family, the order was different.
Because you came first.
And it's because of you that Mommy and Daddy came together and love each other.
This is your Auntie Luisa.
So, Auntie Luisa used to be your mommy's doctor.
And then, one day, she was just really distracted.
Like, you know when we tell you to pay attention? Well, she wasn't paying attention.
And Mommy fell asleep.
And then Aunt Luisa put Daddy's little swimmers in me, because she thought I was somebody else.
Oh, my gosh! (chuckling): Oh, my gosh.
I know.
And that became you.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
And if you think about that, if you think about all the things that had to happen, that's pretty amazing.
Like a miracle? (chuckles) Yes.
Like a miracle.
Can you both scratch my back? (chuckles) Yeah.
Of course, Mr.
Sweetface.
Oh.
Stay until I'm really asleep.
Don't sneak out.
Okay, buddy.
We're not going anywhere, - okay? - Uh-huh.
(chuckles) I'm still up.
I wish we all lived together.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But, alas, this is a telenovela.
Which brings us here.
Now.
Jane! Can I talk to you for a second? To the big telenovela blessing! Look, the clip of me jumping on the couch has gone viral.
All the press is here.
It'll be completely humiliating if we don't seem like we're here together.
So you want me to pretend? Just for tonight.
And then, after the blessing, I'll do a fade-out on my Instagram.
Please, Jane.
I don't want to be humiliated.
Fine.
Just this once.
(exhales) (sighs) (soft chuckling) That was the hugest gesture of love.
Jane, how did you feel about Fabian's Tom Cruise moment? (chuckling) - I thought it was sweet.
- (chuckles) - Like sa-weet! - (chuckles) How about you do a little couch jump and we can get a picture? Oh, I-I really don't want to.
Oh, come on, the fans would love it.
(chuckles nervously) I prefer to do my couch jumping in private.
(chuckles) Ay, come on, mi amor, just one little hop! Sorry, sweetie.
It's just that my ankle hurts again.
I'd actually like to sit down.
Of course.
Let me carry you.
Oh, no, you don't have to do that! (chuckling) (chuckling) - What are you doing? - Saving face.
(stammers, grunts) I thought you were gonna help me out! I am trying.
But I'm not gonna jump up and down - on the furniture.
- Why not? Because I don't want to make a fool out of myself.
(gasps) So that's what I did? Well-well, I am sorry for expressing - my feelings.
- Come on, that is not what I meant.
This is such a disaster! What am I gonna tell the press? And my abuela! You're exactly the kind of girl that she wanted me to fall for.
(chuckles) Well, you didn't.
- I did.
- No, you love the idea of me, a good girl that you can introduce to your grandma.
Exactly! So what's the problem? The problem is the whole Madonna-whore paradigm is reductive.
I am a real person who you know nothing about.
So I'm sorry if this makes you embarrassed, but I am not going to do any more interviews about this fake relationship.
JORGE: Wow.
Mm-hmm.
(chuckles softly) Mm.
(exhales) (chuckles) (exhales) (grunts) (chuckles) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, the joy of telenovelas.
(sighs) Can I hide out from Fabian with you guys - for a minute? - (chuckles) (groans, sighs) (indistinct chatter) Why won't they have a real wedding? I don't get it.
Sorry.
I know I'm being selfish.
I just want to celebrate.
(exhales, chuckles) You do? We didn't think you'd want another big Rogeliwedding because it would remind you of Michael.
Well, that's sweet, but come on! The whole "parents getting together" thing is kind of a dream come true, right? I want to celebrate that.
So go crazy.
Yes.
(squeals) But not too crazy.
- (chuckles) - Fabian, I'm not going to I-I want to apologize.
Please? So, I Googled "Madonna-whore paradigm" and "reductive," and I think I know what you're getting at.
I did see you as the type of person that I could only date in a serious way.
But now I know that you don't want something serious.
No, I-I don't.
I just wanted a fling.
And I get that now.
I just put a lot of stuff on you.
Hey, I made assumptions about you, too.
You know? Because you're so sweet and hot and I-I just really wanted to have sex with you.
Well, I really wanted to have sex with you, too.
Yeah? I still do.
And I guess I could always start over next month.
Start over with what? My no sex pledge.
It's been a month? Um, 33 days.
So a month and a half.
- Huh.
- Yeah.
But I do want to wait if it's going to be serious.
But now I know that, between you and me, there's nothing serious.
Just chemical attraction.
Hmm.
Physical.
Mm.
Bodies on bodies.
Yeah.
That's all I want.
(clears throat) Just sexual.
Exactly.
So Huh.
Mm.
Let's do it.
Huh.
Okay, maybe just once.
You won't say that after we're done.
(chuckles) So, should we meet at my place in 30 minutes? Make it 15.
- (exhales) - (panting) Okay, I really want to have sex but I'm panicking a little, so I just need you to talk me into it.
- On it.
Go.
- This time, we're both on the same page.
Definitely.
Just sex.
No strings.
Which is exactly what I want right now.
And do you really mean that or are you trying to psych yourself up? I-I really mean it.
(door opens) Then why are you sitting here? I think it's that stupid flower.
So I just need you to tell me I shouldn't feel guilty.
There is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.
Now, if you don't go have sex with that obscenely hot telenovela star, your mother will never forgive you.
Thanks, Ma.
Okay, now get out of the car! (chuckles) - (exhales) - (door shuts) Oh.
There you are.
Okay, I have some preliminary wedding ideas.
Totally off the cuff.
You know, I might have some ideas, too.
But of course.
I welcome them.
- In moderation.
- (chuckles) (chuckles) Mwah.
You look so beautiful.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And while someone was spying on Rogelio, across town, Jane only had eyes for Fabian.
Sorry.
That's no good.
But Sex and the City never had to deal with these drastic tone shifts.
(moaning, panting) W-Wait, wait.
- (grunts) - Just checking, - one last time, this means nothing.
- (panting) - We've talked enough! (grunting) - Oh (moaning) - (sighs, chuckles) - Way to be Samantha, Jane.
(grunting) (moaning) They really are on the same page.
Well, many pages.
I don't know what these books are about, but I can tell you this story had a happy ending.
- (pants) - You can stay over if you want.
(exhales) I think I'm ready to head home, actually.
- (keys clacking) - JANE: So if you're still asking, can a non-casual dater start dating casually? The answer is Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! I did it! I had casual sex with Fabian, and I didn't feel guilty about it.
I know this is a really weird thing for me to call you about.
No, it's great.
I'm-I'm happy for you.
But, uh, listen, I got to go.
I'm-I'm with Petra.
Oh, of course.
Go, go.
Talk tomorrow? Definitely.
(sighs) (sighs) I'm fine.
And I'm gonna go home.
You sure? Yes.
Oh, and, yes, we should definitely sign the kids back up for karate.
What? Uh nothing.
You heard my message.
I meant what I said.
I want to be with you.
Rafael It'll be different this time.
We're different.
We can make this work.
We've grown so much.
Please, Petra, say yes.
- (rapid knocking) - DENNIS: Mr.
Solano.
It's Detective Chambers.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Uh-oh, the police! What terrible timing! What could be so important? We just got the composite sketch of the woman Chuck Chesser saw on the beach the night of Scott's murder.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But now our Jane was ready to have her first fling.
With Fabian.
But then she learned that he's - I'm sort of saving myself.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: So, yeah, she wasn't expecting that.
And she thought she'd end it, but then she had the best night ever.
Seriously, it was epic.
And, speaking of epic, Xo and Ro are engaged! To each other this time.
Oh, and Rafael declared his love for Petra.
I do have feelings for you.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But she missed the call.
Because she was with her new boyfriend, Chuck, who might have killed Scott.
Scott's burn book mentioned someone named J.
P.
Those initials mean anything to you? "J.
P.
" is short for "jerky pants.
" It's what we used to call the horrible man who wanted to buy hotel next door because he was always eating jerky of the gators.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: FYI: that weirdo's her twin sister.
But that's not the point.
The point is that Petra could be in real danger.
So, yeah love, sex, danger.
Let's get to it already.
You may or may not be surprised to hear this, but young Jane Gloriana Villanueva had a recurring nightmare throughout her childhood.
- (cackling) - (Jane screams) All the way into her teen years.
Yup.
That damn flower.
Couple that with Jane's tendency to romanticize, and, well, it often led to our Jane getting a little ahead in her relationships.
So after a night like last night, well, it's no wonder the next day she felt like I'm just taking it slow and seeing where it goes.
You know? No expectations.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Whoa.
I wasn't expecting that.
There was a time where you'd be writing your wedding vows after a night like that.
Yeah, well, you know, that was a long time ago.
For now, we're just getting to know each other.
- (phone vibrates) - Oh.
Hang on, it's Jeremy.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Her bro editor.
- Hey.
- JEREMY: Tick, tick, tick, boom! Huge news, J.
V.
How would you feel about writing a guest column for Cosmopolitan online? A-A column? Really? It's a good angle.
What it's like to be dating as a widow at 28.
If you're up for writing about that? Yes.
I-I definitely am.
And, actually, it's perfect timing, - because I just started dating.
- JEREMY: Boom! Kismet.
Slay the column and you'll build some surefire buzz for your book.
And remember, Cosmo's pretty sexy, so don't shy away from the hotness.
I will slay it and I will bring the hotness.
I'm writing a column! Ooh, like Sex and the City? Yes.
I am so Carrie Bradshaw.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I'm a Miranda.
I know, most people are surprised.
What?! Son of a (sighs) I just don't want it to be sad and dark, you know? Totally.
It should be fun, breezy, romantic.
You told her? We agreed to tell her together.
What? No, I didn't, weirdo, we were talking about something else.
- Oh.
Well, carry on then.
- JANE: No, hey, hey what didn't you want her to tell me? BOTH: We're getting married! What?! I proposed last night.
You did? With your grandpa's ring.
Oh I wanted to do things differently, and I love your dad and I know he's the one for me.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: No need to romanticize this moment.
I'm just so happy.
(giggles, cries) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It was absolutely perfect.
(sniffles) Oh.
Okay how huge? Richard Branson's private island? Or did Elon Musk finally return your calls and you guys are getting married in space? First of all, Elon Musk always returns my calls after a very tasteful interval, just as one would expect from a very busy man.
Mm-hmm.
Secondly, we've decided to do something small and intimate.
We're both in our 40s.
Very early 40s.
And Rogelio's done the whole big wedding thing a few times already.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, Oprah's pretty sick of buying him toasters.
And I really don't want one.
And you're okay with that? It's fine.
I just want to marry your mom.
Again.
Rogelio.
We need you on set.
On my way, Rudy.
Now I must try to wipe this joy off my face.
We're about to shoot a very tense and dramatic scene.
The key: never blinking.
It announces to everyone how focused and intense you are.
And a bit scary.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, this is making me very tense.
Well, that and the hunting rifle in the backseat.
And the fact that we just found out he's the mysterious J.
P.
who might have killed Scott.
Sorry, I must have dozed off.
No problem, darling.
We've still got a ways to go.
Can I use your charger? Oh, I don't have one for the truck.
Whoa! What are you doing? - Where are we going? - I know a shortcut.
Why so jumpy? 'Cause I only have 72 hours to figure out who this J.
P.
guy is before Anezka's forced to take that plea deal.
Hence the shortcut.
Next question? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Come on, Jane.
This is your big Sex and the City moment.
What would Carrie do? JANE: Although it's been three years and I know it's time to date, I couldn't help but wonder.
Can I find love again, after loss? Or has this widow peaked? RAFAEL: Hey, Jane, you home? Uh (sighs) - Mommy! - Oh, Mr.
Sweetface.
Hey, girls.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Isn't it Petra's day? She's away.
With her friend Chuck.
Boyfriend, not friend.
- You okay? - Yeah.
You know, what can you do? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I don't know, leave a message pouring your heart out? Okay, I'm gonna get the girls to violin.
Hey, Xo.
Congrats on your engagement.
Thanks.
We're so excited.
Hey, when are we going wedding dress shopping, - by the way? - I was thinking I'd go with the cute white dress I wore to my birthday.
You're not getting a new dress? I really like that one, and I only wore it once.
So, what are you and Fabian doing tonight? I don't know.
He says he has something planned.
- Ooh.
- (squeals) A surprise.
How romantic.
So I thought maybe you could make me a reading list.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hmm.
Okay, well, knowing Jane, that could actually be romantic.
A reading list? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, I was reaching.
Well, I love Fahrenheit 451, but I'm almost done.
So what should I read next? Well, if you want something similar Catch 22? Hey, is that a gone-ra? Number books? - I'm sorry, what? - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I'm sorry, what? Like 1984.
Books with numbers in the title.
I-Is that, like, a gone-ra? Oh.
You mean genre.
Oh.
I didn't know that the G was silent.
No, the G isn't silent, it's just Never mind.
Also, I would like to discuss a couple parts of the book with you.
If you don't mind.
I just think that book burning is wrong.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Freedom of speech isn't about just protecting, you know, speech that we're comfortable with, it's about protecting all speech.
- (imitates explosion) - Ha.
That That's genius.
You know, I'm I'm actually getting pretty tired.
Oh.
Well, I get it.
My brain hurts too.
So should we pick it up tomorrow morning, maybe at the library? Look, Fabian, it's not that I'm not enjoying this little book club.
But I just want to make sure that you're not into me just because of my brains.
I mean, are you interested in the other side of me? You mean butt stuff? I mean the whole body.
Are you attracted to me? Of-Of course I'm attracted to you.
Really? I would love nothing more than to burn all those books, lay you down on the ash and make love to you until you scream with pleasure.
- Ah.
- Why do you think I've been burying myself in books on all our dates? It's because otherwise I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off you.
Oh.
Okay.
I just wanted to make sure that romance was still on the table.
I want you on the table.
No, I know what I said about waiting, but with you, Jane, I I just can't wait.
I want to make love to you.
Right now.
Are you sure? I mean, you don't have to do this.
I know I don't have to.
I want to.
Are you serious? I'm so very serious.
Let's make love, Jane.
Oh.
Uh, great.
Okay.
Let me just go Oh.
Um, powder my nose.
And then we can make love.
(chuckles) - (exhales) - JANE: Okay.
You're having your fling.
It's about damn time.
You can do this.
It's not a big deal.
(phone vibrates) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: My God, is that woman psychic? Abuela? - - MATEO: Mommy! - - MATEO: I want my mommy! - - MATEO: I need you, Mommy! No, it's okay, I'll be right home.
Sorry to do this, but I have to go Whoa! Oh (short chuckle) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Hello, Mr.
Big.
Uh Uh Um, uh I hope it is clear now I am very attracted to you.
Oh, yes, it is, thank you.
But I-I I have to take a rain check.
Mateo needs me at home.
Oh, no.
Is-Is everything all right? Oh yeah, it was just a bad dream, but, you know, he was r-really upset and, um, asking for me.
And, as a mother, you know, duty calls.
- Of course.
Motherhood is a sacred duty.
- Yes, right.
So if y-you don't mind grabbing me my purse? It's just right next to your - your penis.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Here you go.
- (both chuckle) - And I'll call to check in.
But if you're too busy being a mother and you can't answer, it's okay.
- I understand.
- Thank you.
Poor Mr.
Sweetface.
What happened, huh? You had a bad dream? - Yeah.
It was so scary.
- Oh.
You want to tell Mommy about it? What does "artificial" mean? Artificial.
That's a big word.
Um It means not real, or natural.
Why? Timmy at school said his parents told him I'm artificial.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ooh.
A little early to have the all "accidentally artificially inseminated" convo.
Well, that's just silly.
All kids - are real.
- How are babies made? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And this convo.
Well, it's Hmm.
There there is an egg inside the mommy.
And a little swimmer that the daddy has.
And when the two get together How do the egg and the swimmer get together? Oh.
Well usually Mommy and Daddy give each other a special hug.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah.
The special hug.
Classic.
Can I ask another question? Of course.
Do ants have bones? Oh, no.
(laughs) Ants do not have bones.
They are invertebrates, another big word.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And crisis averted.
Well, one crisis, anyway.
I get it, Princess and the Pea, it ain't your penthouse.
It's fine.
I grew up with less.
But you're mad.
Yes, I'm mad.
'Cause you got us lost.
And the stupid bar was closed.
- Who closes a bar at midnight? - Who doesn't call first? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: A guy who doesn't want you to get there.
I should've gone with Rafael's P.
I.
A professional would've called ahead of time before driving for eight hours and ending up in the middle of nowhere.
Yeah, I guess I screwed up again.
No.
I'm sorry.
Uh, it's just my nerves are fried, because I need this J.
P.
thing to lead somewhere so I can get my sister out of jail and then out of the country and everything can just go back to normal.
I'll get the rest of the stuff out of the truck.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Now's your chance.
Run! Forget the phone and get out of there! (sighs) RAFAEL: Hey, uh, it's me.
Quick question.
The twins' dojo called asking if we want to sign them up for the next session.
Look, I know when you asked me before, I denied it, but the truth is, I do have feelings for you.
And I know, you are with Chuck But I don't know I guess I'm calling because I wanted to say, before it's too late that you shouldn't be.
You should be with me.
(knocking) Sorry to bother you, Mr.
Solano, but we're looking for Chuck Chesser.
He's with Petra.
They're out of town.
- What's going on? - DANA: We need to question him about Scott Archuletta's murder.
We have reason to believe Chuck is J.
P.
(phone buzzing) (door opens) - Something wrong? - No.
- (door closes) - What's with the gun? I don't want my truck broken into.
Bad neighborhood.
Anyway, I reek like an old swamp possum.
Let's hope they got hot water in this place.
Want to join me? I think I'll let you get the swamp possum off first.
- (chuckling) - Say, do you have any clothes in there? I want to change.
Knock yourself out.
Everything's definitely been washed in the last two years.
(chuckling) (water running in shower) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wait.
Those shells look familiar.
Oh, my God.
(quietly): Oh, my God.
(phone chimes) (phone buzzes) I-I'm with Chuck.
I think he killed Scott.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Finally! Where are you? At some dumpy motel near Pensacola.
The-the the Copper Palms.
It's off the old highway, exit There's no hot water in this hell hole.
Oh, God, what exit was it?! He's coming out of the shower.
We're talking to the Pensacola police.
- Get out of there! - Okay.
Okay.
Get out of there now! Where do you think you're going? I just needed some fresh air.
(sighs) We need to talk.
I'm not feeling chatty.
Look I've been lying to you.
About Scott.
I did know him.
I already know that.
J.
P.
What? (groaning) (whimpering) Petra! - (mumbles) - (screaming) Come here.
- (screaming) - Look, Petra! Just listen to me! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Or at least pretend to listen to buy yourself some freaking time so the police can get there! I'm listening.
I'm not a killer.
I just knew the guy, that's all.
- How? - When I was looking to buy the Fairwick a few years back, I needed someone to help me get some inside information.
No! Continue from over there.
Anyway, afterwards, I paid him.
Deal's done, right? No.
Little weasel upped his price.
So I called off the deal, called him a few colorful names, end of story.
I have no idea what "J.
P.
" means! You lied to the police in a murder investigation.
And you've been lying to me for months.
You lied, too about the bones, and your lie was worse.
This is not a competition, and you lied for longer.
And you've been acting jumpy all day.
- 'Cause I was nervous.
- Because you're J.
P.
- No! - Then why? Because I'm trying to tell you that I love you! What? Yes.
All day.
And then everything went wrong, and I screwed up, and the bar closed.
That's why I've been so nervous.
Chuck (police siren whoops) (tires squealing) OFFICER: Freeze! Police! Hands up.
(tires squealing) JANE: I can't believe it.
- You think Chuck did it? - RAFAEL: I don't know.
The police are questioning him.
Hey, so why'd the school call? Mateo's been running around the playground giving all the girls special hugs and telling them that they're having his baby.
Ooh.
Ugh.
I know.
I'll handle it.
It's my fault.
You stay with Petra, and please tell her if she needs anything at all, I'm here.
Thanks.
I will.
(sighs) I'm sure Jane said nice things, but I'm still rattled, so I can't pretend to be touched right now.
Do you think Chuck did it? He did lie about knowing Scott.
Yeah, I lied.
It was stupid.
But that don't mean I killed him.
- Did you see Mr.
Archuletta that night? - No.
I was supposed to, but I swear on my mama's life, he never showed.
And that shell bracelet? Identical to a shell found at the crime scene? I'm getting to that.
I'd been waiting a while, so I started walking the beach, having some whiskey.
I saw this lady.
She said she'd kill for a drink, so I offered her a swig of mine.
We got to talking, I told her how I bought the hotel next door.
She gave me one of her bracelets.
Said they brought good luck.
- Did you get a good look at her face? - Well, good enough.
I could describe her for you, no problem.
First we'll need, in writing, a guarantee that you're dropping those other charges against him.
Once you do, he'll be happy to talk to a sketch artist.
JANE: Mateo, stop coloring.
I need you to listen to me.
Hey.
Psst.
Do you understand? You can't go around giving your friends special hugs.
But I wanted to make a baby with my friends.
I know, but to make a baby, you have to be an adult, and, also, it's a different type of hug.
Meant for two grown-ups who love each other, not kids.
So you can't make a baby with your friends.
Do you understand? Special hugs are for grown-ups who really love each other, not kids.
That's right! So that's what you and Daddy did to make me? Um You know what? Like, if you want me to come back, maybe I can just Ugh.
Okay.
No, it-it's actually not exactly what happened with us.
So, how was I made? Hey, you know what? I forgot that I bought ice cream at the store today.
Do you want some before bed? Ice cream?! Yes! (sighs) I know, I know.
Total parenting fail.
Put it out of your head.
Mateo will be fine.
Are you ready? I am so ready.
Ooh, nice bold lip.
Thank you.
I've gotten over the temporary guilt caused by years of negative-sex messaging, and I am ready to celebrate that with Fabian.
Naked.
That's my girl! (laughs) Now come on, show me what you're wearing.
(laughs) - What do you think? - Ooh, I love! But you don't have the underwear.
Are these Abuela's? Lingerie hasn't exactly been my priority lately.
Perfect.
Then don't wear any.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, Samantha, calm down.
Good idea.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Damn, mama! Now, remember, there's nothing to feel guilty about.
You are two consenting adults who are on the same page.
(giggling) (sighs) (knocking) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: They may be on the same page Jane.
- You look amazing.
- (laughs) I have a very special surprise for you.
Meet my abuela! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But they were reading from very different books.
I told you I was so very serious about you.
Mmm.
You've got to admit this is the best you've ever had.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
Dinner with Fabian.
- And his abuela.
- Delicious.
Thank you so much, Señora Belen.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Certainly an occasion when one would rather be wearing underwear.
Let me get that for you! I'll get it.
(laughing): Oh, just Here you go.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I mean, how much could he have said? The guy's known Jane for five minutes! JANE: So as I stood there, waiting to escape, I started to wonder.
For this widow, should casual dating be left on the shelf? As if mama's boys aren't bad enough.
Now we're dealing with grandmama's boys? I'm ending it.
Fabian and I are clearly not on the same page.
Oh, honey, don't end it before you screw him first.
The man has "Fab" in his name.
It's like he's advertising that he's great in bed.
(laughs) You've only dodged the bullet if the bullet is small.
Shh! Salma Hayek can't be hearing these things.
She's a lady.
Ugh.
Trust me, there's nothing wrong with casual sex.
I just had sex in the bathroom.
Turns out hand sanitizer makes great lube.
(laughter) What kind of girl is that, Ma? The kind who has a healthy relationship with sex? You're the one who needs to stop.
Your shame-flower has done enough damage.
Do you? No.
I don't.
At all.
But it definitely affected the way I feel about sex now.
And not in the best way.
But that's beside the point, because now that I know that Fabian and I are not on the same page, I cannot keep seeing him.
I- support your decision.
Thanks, Dad.
Just don't break his heart until after we shoot our big action sequence.
I need him focused.
He's a nightmare with continuity.
He can never do the same thing twice.
He doesn't appreciate how important it is that shots match.
Audiences notice these things! - Okay, okay, I'll come by later.
- What time are you guys done? - At 3:00.
- (phone buzzing) Aha! My assistant got us an appointment at 4:00 on Tuesday, Miami Municipal.
You guys are getting married in the courthouse? Is that what you want, Mom? Yes.
Trust me, I was never the kind of girl who dreamed of a big fancy wedding.
You saved this thing? Mm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Before she became Slutty Crystal I hope.
Mm.
After we got engaged, we were talking.
So, listen, I know you're gonna want a wedding at the Taj Mahal or something.
They don't do weddings.
I checked before.
And I actually don't think we should do another big wedding.
It will remind Jane of hers.
That's exactly what I was gonna say.
He wants to know about his parents.
- It makes sense.
- RAFAEL: I know.
- So we should tell him.
- JANE: How? I mean, it's not your typical birds-and-bees story.
We'll do it together.
And we'll just figure out some kid-friendly version.
Okay.
Come over tonight.
And wish me luck.
I got to go break up with a telenovela star.
- Ooh, your muscles! - Oh, stop.
- They aren't that big.
- Oh, wow.
(laughs) Jane! Hi! Please, tell our American audience, who is this? That is Jane my lady.
REPORTER: Oh.
Wow.
Is it serious? FABIAN: Oh, it's so serious! - Yes! - I can't believe how happy you seem! That's because Jane is the most amazing woman I have ever met! We're head over heels for each other! - Really? - Yes! I'm crazy about this woman! (whoops) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, buddy.
That's risky business right there.
Oh, God, I can't watch.
I wish my eyes were wide shut.
This is far and away the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen.
What the hell was that? I couldn't help it.
I'm just so into you.
And everyone loved it when Tom Cruise did it.
Okay, Fabian, h-here's the thing.
There's been a massive misunderstanding.
I'm not actually serious about you.
What? I was asking if you were serious about having sex.
Because that's all that I'm serious about.
But you're not serious about me as a person? Well, I But I just performed a Tom Cruise for you! I didn't ask you to! And-and who does that for someone they've only known for a week? Some who's passionate and excited.
- And way over the top.
- Over the top?! You know what? I'm glad I didn't make love to you.
Well, I'm glad I didn't make love to you! Well, you wouldn't be saying that if I had made love to you! (shouts) (shouts) - Hey.
Hey, no - (laughing) no jumping on the furniture, Mateo.
No matter how much you love Mommy.
(chuckles) Can I stay in here until I fall asleep? Sure, but just for tonight.
- (grunts) - (sighs) So, instead of reading you a story, tonight, Daddy and I want to tell you a very special story about how our family came to be.
It's an unusual story, because, usually, parents meet first and then fall in love and then they have a baby.
But in our family, the order was different.
Because you came first.
And it's because of you that Mommy and Daddy came together and love each other.
This is your Auntie Luisa.
So, Auntie Luisa used to be your mommy's doctor.
And then, one day, she was just really distracted.
Like, you know when we tell you to pay attention? Well, she wasn't paying attention.
And Mommy fell asleep.
And then Aunt Luisa put Daddy's little swimmers in me, because she thought I was somebody else.
Oh, my gosh! (chuckling): Oh, my gosh.
I know.
And that became you.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
And if you think about that, if you think about all the things that had to happen, that's pretty amazing.
Like a miracle? (chuckles) Yes.
Like a miracle.
Can you both scratch my back? (chuckles) Yeah.
Of course, Mr.
Sweetface.
Oh.
Stay until I'm really asleep.
Don't sneak out.
Okay, buddy.
We're not going anywhere, - okay? - Uh-huh.
(chuckles) I'm still up.
I wish we all lived together.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But, alas, this is a telenovela.
Which brings us here.
Now.
Jane! Can I talk to you for a second? To the big telenovela blessing! Look, the clip of me jumping on the couch has gone viral.
All the press is here.
It'll be completely humiliating if we don't seem like we're here together.
So you want me to pretend? Just for tonight.
And then, after the blessing, I'll do a fade-out on my Instagram.
Please, Jane.
I don't want to be humiliated.
Fine.
Just this once.
(exhales) (sighs) (soft chuckling) That was the hugest gesture of love.
Jane, how did you feel about Fabian's Tom Cruise moment? (chuckling) - I thought it was sweet.
- (chuckles) - Like sa-weet! - (chuckles) How about you do a little couch jump and we can get a picture? Oh, I-I really don't want to.
Oh, come on, the fans would love it.
(chuckles nervously) I prefer to do my couch jumping in private.
(chuckles) Ay, come on, mi amor, just one little hop! Sorry, sweetie.
It's just that my ankle hurts again.
I'd actually like to sit down.
Of course.
Let me carry you.
Oh, no, you don't have to do that! (chuckling) (chuckling) - What are you doing? - Saving face.
(stammers, grunts) I thought you were gonna help me out! I am trying.
But I'm not gonna jump up and down - on the furniture.
- Why not? Because I don't want to make a fool out of myself.
(gasps) So that's what I did? Well-well, I am sorry for expressing - my feelings.
- Come on, that is not what I meant.
This is such a disaster! What am I gonna tell the press? And my abuela! You're exactly the kind of girl that she wanted me to fall for.
(chuckles) Well, you didn't.
- I did.
- No, you love the idea of me, a good girl that you can introduce to your grandma.
Exactly! So what's the problem? The problem is the whole Madonna-whore paradigm is reductive.
I am a real person who you know nothing about.
So I'm sorry if this makes you embarrassed, but I am not going to do any more interviews about this fake relationship.
JORGE: Wow.
Mm-hmm.
(chuckles softly) Mm.
(exhales) (chuckles) (exhales) (grunts) (chuckles) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, the joy of telenovelas.
(sighs) Can I hide out from Fabian with you guys - for a minute? - (chuckles) (groans, sighs) (indistinct chatter) Why won't they have a real wedding? I don't get it.
Sorry.
I know I'm being selfish.
I just want to celebrate.
(exhales, chuckles) You do? We didn't think you'd want another big Rogeliwedding because it would remind you of Michael.
Well, that's sweet, but come on! The whole "parents getting together" thing is kind of a dream come true, right? I want to celebrate that.
So go crazy.
Yes.
(squeals) But not too crazy.
- (chuckles) - Fabian, I'm not going to I-I want to apologize.
Please? So, I Googled "Madonna-whore paradigm" and "reductive," and I think I know what you're getting at.
I did see you as the type of person that I could only date in a serious way.
But now I know that you don't want something serious.
No, I-I don't.
I just wanted a fling.
And I get that now.
I just put a lot of stuff on you.
Hey, I made assumptions about you, too.
You know? Because you're so sweet and hot and I-I just really wanted to have sex with you.
Well, I really wanted to have sex with you, too.
Yeah? I still do.
And I guess I could always start over next month.
Start over with what? My no sex pledge.
It's been a month? Um, 33 days.
So a month and a half.
- Huh.
- Yeah.
But I do want to wait if it's going to be serious.
But now I know that, between you and me, there's nothing serious.
Just chemical attraction.
Hmm.
Physical.
Mm.
Bodies on bodies.
Yeah.
That's all I want.
(clears throat) Just sexual.
Exactly.
So Huh.
Mm.
Let's do it.
Huh.
Okay, maybe just once.
You won't say that after we're done.
(chuckles) So, should we meet at my place in 30 minutes? Make it 15.
- (exhales) - (panting) Okay, I really want to have sex but I'm panicking a little, so I just need you to talk me into it.
- On it.
Go.
- This time, we're both on the same page.
Definitely.
Just sex.
No strings.
Which is exactly what I want right now.
And do you really mean that or are you trying to psych yourself up? I-I really mean it.
(door opens) Then why are you sitting here? I think it's that stupid flower.
So I just need you to tell me I shouldn't feel guilty.
There is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.
Now, if you don't go have sex with that obscenely hot telenovela star, your mother will never forgive you.
Thanks, Ma.
Okay, now get out of the car! (chuckles) - (exhales) - (door shuts) Oh.
There you are.
Okay, I have some preliminary wedding ideas.
Totally off the cuff.
You know, I might have some ideas, too.
But of course.
I welcome them.
- In moderation.
- (chuckles) (chuckles) Mwah.
You look so beautiful.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And while someone was spying on Rogelio, across town, Jane only had eyes for Fabian.
Sorry.
That's no good.
But Sex and the City never had to deal with these drastic tone shifts.
(moaning, panting) W-Wait, wait.
- (grunts) - Just checking, - one last time, this means nothing.
- (panting) - We've talked enough! (grunting) - Oh (moaning) - (sighs, chuckles) - Way to be Samantha, Jane.
(grunting) (moaning) They really are on the same page.
Well, many pages.
I don't know what these books are about, but I can tell you this story had a happy ending.
- (pants) - You can stay over if you want.
(exhales) I think I'm ready to head home, actually.
- (keys clacking) - JANE: So if you're still asking, can a non-casual dater start dating casually? The answer is Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! I did it! I had casual sex with Fabian, and I didn't feel guilty about it.
I know this is a really weird thing for me to call you about.
No, it's great.
I'm-I'm happy for you.
But, uh, listen, I got to go.
I'm-I'm with Petra.
Oh, of course.
Go, go.
Talk tomorrow? Definitely.
(sighs) (sighs) I'm fine.
And I'm gonna go home.
You sure? Yes.
Oh, and, yes, we should definitely sign the kids back up for karate.
What? Uh nothing.
You heard my message.
I meant what I said.
I want to be with you.
Rafael It'll be different this time.
We're different.
We can make this work.
We've grown so much.
Please, Petra, say yes.
- (rapid knocking) - DENNIS: Mr.
Solano.
It's Detective Chambers.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Uh-oh, the police! What terrible timing! What could be so important? We just got the composite sketch of the woman Chuck Chesser saw on the beach the night of Scott's murder.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.