Kickin' It (2011) s03e18 Episode Script

All right, guys.
This is what we've been practicing for.
This defining moment will make or break our band.
Milton's right.
We gotta play like we've never played before.
_.
What are they doing? The school cut funding for their club, so they're trying to raise money.
They'd probably make more money if they stopped playing.
Guys, you are not gonna believe it.
Donnie Parker is moving.
Do you know what that means? Yes, I do.
He's not gonna be living here anymore.
No, it means the coolest band in school, the Gutter Rats, are gonna be looking for a new member.
They're the favorites to win next week's Battle of the Bands, and I'm auditioning to be their lead guitarist tomorrow.
You know, I might audition too.
Jerry, you can't play the guitar.
And you can't dance, Kim, but that doesn't stop your little freak show every year at The Prom.
All right, guys.
Let's see how much we made.
and a note that says "Please don't ever play music again".
Kids can be so hurtful.
That was from our music teacher.
- Don't - Don't - You - You Get all tough with me! I'm saying - Won't - Won't - You - You Come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall! - That's just how we do.
- Come on! And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kicking it with you.
Here we go, let's start the party! Chop it up like it's karate.
Everybody! - Don't - Don't - You - You Get all tough with me! I'm saying - Won't - Won't - You - You Come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall! - That's just how we do.
- Come on! And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kicking it with you.
We have to figure out a way to raise money for our classical music club.
I know.
We desperately need new instruments.
That piccolo used to be a piece of plumbing from the sink in the faculty lounge.
All right, guys.
Clear out.
Time for some real musicians to use the room.
Uh, for your information, we are real musicians.
Then why is he playing something that used to be part of a toilet? You said it came from the sink! Hey, Jack.
Why are you here? I'm here to audition for the Gutter Rats.
Why don't you stick around? Oh, I'm not allowed to.
My mother says rock music will give me the naughty thoughts.
But good luck.
Okay.
Let's do this.
Jack Brewer, you're up first.
You got 15 seconds to blow me away, dude.
Okay, thanks, Jack.
You can leave.
Oh, so I should probably just go then? And when you get out there, tell the rest of those guys to go home.
Because you're our new lead guitarist.
What?! Oh, dude, are you kidding me?! - That's awesome! - Dude, dude.
You're a Gutter Rat now.
You gotta be cool.
I mean, yeah.
That's that's pretty cool.
With your help, we're gonna win the Battle of the Bands and the $1,000 prize.
Plus, we just found out the celebrity Judge is Izzy Gunnar from Kung Fu Lightning.
Izzy Gunnar, I know him! I mean, whatever, dude.
Kickin' it with you! Rudy, calm down.
You're overreacting.
It's just a typo.
The ad you sold me in your school newspaper was supposed to read "special rate; Lifetime membership for three people".
Uh, what does that say? "Lifetime membership for free, people".
Well, dude, you trusted me with spelling, words, and numbers.
What good could come from that? High school almost ruined my life once.
I'm not gonna let it happen again.
I need my squeezy stress balls.
Rudy, Rudy, I took care of it.
I got down to the school at 5:00 this morning and grabbed every newspaper before they went out.
You see that, Rudy? There's no problem.
Kim got every copy.
Not every copy! I'm here for my lifetime membership for free, people.
And that's gonna be a while.
My grandpa's 114, and he lives with his father.
You don't think the snorkel's a little overkill? No, I don't, Milton.
You know, a person can drown in three inches of water.
I danced with death last summer in my grandmother's bird bath.
Oh, Carol and Darcy are back again.
- They don't even have bikes.
- Well, they're not here for the bikes.
They're here for the gun show.
Look at those nerds.
Let's hit them with some dirt bombs.
I can't do that.
One of those guys is my friend, and he's not a nerd.
Really? Okay, well, I do see your point.
I'm not gonna hit him with a dirt bomb.
And you guys aren't either.
You know what? You're right.
Jack, here's a donation.
Go put it in their bucket.
Thanks.
You see? Fellow musicians.
That's more like it.
Oh, thanks, Jack.
Oh, no, man.
It's not from me.
It's from the Gutter Rats.
- Oh.
- And so is this.
- Ow! - Oh! Oh, and Jack? You're out of the band.
- Hup.
- Rudy? - Good job, guys.
- Rudy Rudy Rudy Rudy.
- Again.
Again.
- Rudy Rudy Rudy Rudy He's a little busy, Albert! I want him to watch me hit the fake man.
Bah! I think I'm getting better.
- You're really not.
- Oh, really? Well, watch what I can do with a Bo Staff.
- Albert, Albert.
- What? Look, maybe karate just isn't your thing.
Well, not yet, but I've got plenty of time to learn because you're my Sensei for life.
Which means I'm here until one of us dies Please let it be me! Here we go, let's start the party.
Chop it up like it's karate.
Hey, why are you guys packing up? We didn't raise enough money to save the classical music club.
We only made 49 bucks from Carol and Darcy, which by the way, made me feel dirtier than the dirt bombs.
You're not a quitter, Milton.
You guys aren't gonna give up.
What if you guys had 1,000 bucks? Well, that's what the winner of the Battle of the Bands gets.
Battle of the Bands? Us? Come on, Jack.
Sidney plays the toilet.
It's true.
It's true.
All right, laugh all you want.
If that's what that is.
The Gutter Rats don't deserve to win.
They're jerks.
And when it comes down to it, you guys are probably better musicians, aren't you? Well, yeah.
Well, I'm gonna turn you guys into rock stars.
Who's in? Rock and roll on three.
One, two, three! Rock and roll.
Come on, guys.
Pretend you're playing Swords and Magic with a Hobbit, a robot, and a Warrior Princess in a golden bathing suit.
Rock and roll! And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kicking it with you! I don't know why we can't just use the instruments we have.
Instruments are like animals.
And yours are the boring ones at the petting zoo like the bunny or the little lamb.
- I'm gonna be a lamb for Halloween - Sidney.
All we have to do is make a few adjustments to turn you guys into rockers.
Teddy, you play the kettle drums, so we're gonna stay in percussion and give you A rock drum kit! - Whoa.
- Ooh.
Now, Sidney, we're gonna turn your cello on its side and replace it with its cooler, hipper cousin The bass guitar.
It's bedtime, Cecelia.
I don't want her to see this.
Milton.
You can play the piano, so we're gonna put you on the electric keyboard.
I feel so Bad.
Now, Oliver, you've been classically trained to play the lute.
So you're gonna get Uh, the cowbell.
- The cowbell? But - Cowbell! I'll play lead guitar and sing.
And that's all it takes for us to become a winning rock band? No, there's one more thing.
Every rock star has his signature move.
For example, Mick Jagger has his strut.
David Lee Roth has his kick.
It's what makes them different from everybody else.
Oh, we got this.
Well, you know what? Maybe we'll be one of those cool bands that doesn't move so much.
Okay? Boom-shalla, boom-shalla.
Come on, yeah! Boom-shalla, boom-shalla.
Boom boom boom! Boom-shalla, boom-shalla.
Boom boom, yeah! Boom-shalla, boom-shalla.
Boom boom boom! - Take it, Kim! - No! Boom-shalla, boom-shalla.
Come on, yeah.
Kim.
Did you know that he eats in the shower? I found half a turkey leg in the soap dish.
Oh, good.
I was looking for that.
Guys.
Guys.
Come here.
Albert said he wasn't gonna leave here until he mastered karate.
So I'm gonna make him a Grand Master.
He'll think he has nothing left to learn and he'll leave.
- That's brilliant.
- I love you, Rudy.
Uh, Albert? - Yeah? What? - Albert - Huh? - Can I please speak with you? Is this about me barfing in your locker? You barfed in my locker? No.
I was reviewing your progress, and it has exceeded my expectations.
So I've decided to make you a Grand Master.
Wow.
That's the highest of the high.
Surely there is nothing left to teach him.
You are a Grand Master now.
You are a leader.
Now you must go forth and lead others.
We shall miss thee, oh great one.
No! Grand Master Albert's not going anywhere.
It is my duty to lead the people of this dojo.
Rudy, go clean my puke out of your locker.
Jerry, put a bucket of ribs in the shower for me.
Kim-Kim? Ooh.
Let's spar it up.
Now listen up, guys.
I got us this gig as a little warm-up for the Battle of the Bands.
We're gonna go out there and kick some butt.
I think I sneezed one of my whiskers off on the bus.
Yeah, I don't know if I have the neck muscles for this wig.
This is a lot of hair for a little boy.
Guys, you look great.
You ready to rock? Yeah.
Let's do this.
When we walk in there, we walk in like rock stars.
Here we go.
All right, Seaford, this is a group we put together we call ourselves the Wolver The Wolverines.
Get ready to rock, Seaford.
One, two, three, four.
Nighttime is daytime without the light.
The only thing to fear here is the fear of fright.
Wolverines of the night sky, a muddy river flow.
Bandages of hope and fear, there's still nowhere to go.
Where is the exit, where is the exit? - Nowhere to go.
- Where is the exit? - Nowhere to go.
- Where is the exit? - We're staying right here.
- Do you see the exit? - Because there's nowhere to go.
- Is there no exit? Where is the exit, where is the exit? Where is the exit? Woo! Whoa! Uh Where is the rest of the band? They're in the parking lot trying to de-wedge Milton's shoe from the bass drum.
Izzy.
- Hey hey.
- What's happening, man? - It's been a while, mate.
- Yeah.
God, your hair looks good.
Tough gig, though.
You saw that? Unfortunately, I did.
But fortunately, I hadn't eaten yet.
It's not your fault, Jack.
You were on stage with a bunch of posers.
They're actually really great musicians, man.
I just I tried to make them into something that they're not.
I once tried to turn a weasel into a lap dog.
Don't do it.
I'm still missing part of my lap.
So you're saying if they're weasels, then I should just let them be weasels.
Most rock stars are trying to be what you say those guys already are.
Great musicians.
- Thanks, man.
That's great advice.
- I know.
Oh! One last thing.
Your voice is How do I say this nicely? It's horrible.
Yeah, it's like wretchedly bad.
Just like I thought you said you were gonna be nice? I was.
But your voice made me Hate my ears.
Cheers, mate.
Not as cool as kicking it with you! You guys okay? No, we're not okay.
It's over.
We failed.
You guys didn't fail.
I did.
I tried to change you guys into rock stars instead of letting you guys be who you really are.
And I believe that we can win the Battle of the Bands.
Sidney.
Come on, Jack.
You want us to go up on stage at Battle of the Bands looking like a bunch of nerds? Yes.
Yes.
In fact, that's exactly what I want you to do.
And all we need is a singer now.
- Jack, I thought you were our singer.
- I can't sing and we all know it.
- That's true.
- You're horrible.
- You stink.
- Terrible.
Well, I could sing.
You can sing? Yeah.
I've never done it in front of people because it's a little scary.
But if we're being who we really are, then let me bring it.
Okay.
And if you want, I can do a little backup singing? Not gonna happen, Jack.
- I could just harmonize.
- He said no! So back off, hair bag.
Kickin' it with you! Do you think Rudy's new plan's gonna work? As Grand Master, it's Albert's responsibility to protect the dojo.
So when Rudy shows up dressed like a ninja, it'll scare Albert so bad, he'll run away and never come back.
Nice commitment.
Oh, no! A ninja! No.
Not in my dojo! I got this, guys.
Go away.
I hate karate! It's the Devil's yoga.
I'm never coming back! Rudy, that was awesome.
Did you see the look on his fa Where'd Rudy go? Where's Albert? Uh, Rudy? How did you get outside? What do you mean? A second ago, a ninja fell through the ceiling, beat the tar out of Albert, and ran him off.
Well, that wasn't me.
Oh, boy.
I gotta call the exterminator.
I think our ninja's back.
Yeah! That was the Gutter Rats.
Now for our last act! Help me welcome to the stage Milton Krupnick and the Treble Clefs.
What are they playing? Nighttime is daytime without the light.
The only thing to fear here is the fear of fright.
Wolverines in the night sky, muddy river flow.
Bandages of hope and fear.
But still nowhere to go.
Nowhere to go.
Nowhere to go.
We're staying right here! - Because there's - Nowhere to go! Ow! I think we have our winners.
Keep it going for Milton and the Treble Clefs! - Yes! - Whoa! Oh, dude, did you hear that? They really like us! That was great.
You guys are like real rock stars.
Hey, do you know "surfing the lightning"? - Uh, yeah.
- Of course we do.
Good.
Because it's like the only song I really know.
Surfing the lightning, surfing the lightning! Our senses are heightened because we're surfing the lightning.
Surfing the lightning, surfing the lightning.
Our love is all right because we're surfing the lightning.
Surfing the lightning, lightning.
Lightning.
You want to give everyone something to see? Surf the lightning with me! You got a pretty good voice there, Milton.
How'd you hit the high note during "surfing the lightning"? Oh, that was easy.
Sidney did a spin move with his cello and nailed me in the crotch.
I'm sorry you got stuck with us instead of being in a real rock and roll band.
Are you kidding me, dude? We are a real rock and roll band.
Oi! What are you guys doing? Well, we're celebrating the victory.
You know, having a little party.
No.
This is not a party.
You guys are rock stars now.
You gotta party like them.
Hey! We're gonna play Swords and Magic with a Hobbit, a robot, and a Warrior Princess in a golden bathing suit.
Rock and roll!