Life in Pieces (2015) s03e18 Episode Script

1 TYLER: You guys insisted we take our finances seriously, and renting out the tiny house is the perfect way for us to pay off our debt.
Uh, where are you two even gonna live? Our friend Cheese is paying us to house-sit until he finds what he's looking for in Thailand.
Well, I guess you guys have given this some thought.
We have.
Oh, and if you ever want a night away, we're marketing it as a tiny escape from your big problems.
Well, my big problem is that my son and his wife - have a tiny house in my backyard.
- Yeah.
Yeah, then this escape might not be for you.
No.
FEMALE VOICE: This is IRS Officer Richardson - with final notification against - (SIGHS) Scam call.
It's just like that porn site that started billing us for a membership we never even signed up for.
Yeah, that was weird.
(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS IN OTHER ROOM) (WHISPERING): Someone's in the house.
No, they're not.
You always think there's someone in the house, and there's never anything.
WOMAN: Does anyone live in this house? Someone's in the house! Mother (GASPS) Hi.
Sorry, I didn't know which of these doors was the soaking tub.
Who the hell are you? I'm Mavis.
I'm renting the tiny house.
- Tiny house is outside.
- Yeah.
- Unless it rolled away.
- Again No, it's there.
It's so cute.
But the listing said I would have access to the tub in the main house.
Oh, the listing says that, does it? Y-Yeah, it should not say that.
Oh, well, maybe you should take that up with the management.
Yeah, the only tub in the house is in the master upstairs.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, thanks.
I would tip you, but I left my wallet in my other towel.
- She thinks we work here.
- (DOOR SHUTS UPSTAIRS) I think I didn't flush.
I cannot believe that you guys told this woman she could use our tub.
Look, that's just good marketing.
We had to get creative with the listing to set us apart.
Yeah, Mavis could have rented any tiny house, but she chose ours.
Yeah, yeah, she did, because you say here that there is a nightly turndown service.
Who do you think is gonna do that? Sophia.
What? It said "tips encouraged" so I took a gamble.
Okay, I cannot believe that you dragged your little sister into this.
Okay, don't worry, we'll take care of it and make sure she doesn't bother you again.
Fine.
And? What? You're proud of us? (KNOCKING ON DOOR) MAVIS: Hello? (CHUCKLES) Can someone help me? Oh.
Mavis - Oh, my gosh, what happened? - Hi.
Okay, the sprinkler's shooting directly into the tiny house.
It is like the Titanic in there, but without a hot guy or an old lady.
- Yeah, 'cause we're in here.
- Oh, thanks a lot, Tim.
I've been meaning to tell you that the faucet drips, but now everything's dripping.
Okay, well, listen, you know what oh, you're so wet.
Actually, you should call Tyler and Clementine, because it's their responsibility.
Oh, aren't you the on-site caretakers? Okay, you know what? This is ridiculous.
I'm calling Tyler.
I'm assuming you're not gonna need turndown service tonight.
- (PHONE VIBRATING) - MAN (OVER TELEVISION): Antarctica Oh, my God, it's my mom.
I'm too messed up to talk to her.
- You have to talk to her.
- To who? To my mom.
HEATHER (ON SPEAKER): Tyler.
I-I know, I'm your mom.
Oh, shoot, uh, hello? Tyler, listen.
Mavis is here.
She's hi, yeah.
She's soaking wet.
The sprinkler is broken.
You need to come over here and fix this.
Wait, is it water? Mm, no, it's an energy drink.
Way better for you.
Uh, we, will we will take care of it.
Okay, so you're-you're coming over here right now? TYLER: Yeah.
We are on our way.
Uh, what's the address? Oh, my God.
Are you high? No, but Clementine is.
I said that you were crying.
Am I? Where were you last night? You were supposed to come over and fix the sprinkler.
Yeah.
Sorry we missed your call, we were sleeping.
I-I talked to you.
You said you were on your way over.
I said that? No, no, he said that.
Ugh! Guys, come on.
You said you were gonna be responsible for this.
Your dad and I have done everything.
- Yeah.
So I fixed the sprinkler.
- Yes.
And I moved all the cars so Mavis had a place to park.
And I even turned the tiny house around so the sun wouldn't shine in in the morning and wake her up, and I made three different dinner reservations.
Then I had to highlight a map with directions to Six Flags.
Heather, name all the things you did.
Uh, um wow.
I'm just saying wow 'cause it's a lot.
- It's that all of that - Right.
And then more.
- Very good.
- Thank you.
So, you two need to get your act together.
Or you and your tenant are gonna be finding somewhere else to live.
And we will post a no-star review saying that your little tiny house is on a burial ground and Sophia has been dead for ten years.
You wouldn't.
- Yep.
- Oh, yeah, we would.
Oh, I feel like our talk with Tyler and Clem really worked.
They fixed the sprinkler, and not just, like, threw an outdoor cushion on it, fixed it all half-assed.
I mean, they, like, really fixed it.
- You told me to use the cushion.
- (DOOR OPENS, SHUTS) Great news.
Mavis gave us a five-star review.
- Oh - Yeah.
She said, "You can't beat their tiny house-pitality.
" (CHUCKLES) Well, I am very proud of you two.
(SIGHS) Thank you.
Now, was that so hard? TYLER: And we're really sorry about, uh, putting all the responsibility on you before.
Oh, you two Oh, you didn't have to do that.
I mean, you two acting like grown-ups, that is gift enough.
Let's see what you got us.
Oh, no, no, this isn't a gift, this is our living room.
We're moving back in with you.
Yeah.
Mavis loved our tiny house so much that she booked it for six months.
- (LAUGHTER) - Heather, what's happening? - Come on.
- HEATHER: Six months Works for me.
She tips in cash, so I don't have to declare anything.
I don't know we'll be okay.
My art isn't about law or copyright.
It's about not those things.
Well, Erikson, you did infringe upon the fast food company's logo.
Oh, come on.
You cannot own shapes and letters and creative ways to put them together.
No, you can.
Yeah.
That's literally what a logo is.
But, um, the good news is, I got them to drop the case.
(SIGHS, LAUGHS) How can I ever repay you? Oh, well, you don't need to repay me, you just need to pay me.
Can I pay you with a painting? What? Money is so passé.
- Art is the currency of the woke.
- Uh-huh.
Also, I don't have any money.
Wait, so, like, an original Erikson? For what you have done for me For the people, as a whole, who love me I will paint whatever you want.
- Wow.
Ooh! - (CHUCKLES) - Well, paint me excited! - (LAUGHING) - Bring it down.
- Okay.
- Except for birds.
- Oh.
Never ask Erikson to paint a bird.
Right.
This guy's art is weird.
Maybe you just don't understand what he's trying to say.
- Well and you do? - No, but that's how I know it's good.
You got to expand your mind, Greg.
You can't just reject something 'cause you don't understand it.
Well, I don't understand serial killers and yet I reject them.
Looks like the lawyer just got lawyered.
Hey, bud.
Don't do that.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Okay, that's him.
Listen, honey, you can't bring up birds.
I have no explanation for this.
Just don't do it.
- Erikson, hi.
- (CHUCKLES) Come on in.
Uh, this is my husband, Greg.
- He's also a big fan of your paintings.
- Oh.
I don't understand them, which is why I love them.
(LAUGHS) So (CLEARS THROAT) have you given any thought - to what you wanted me to paint? - Yes.
We were thinking a family portrait.
Well, that is great.
- I would love to get a feel for you both.
- Mm-hmm.
Would you mind if I just sat here quietly for 24 hours and watched you? Or, uh, I could just get you some pictures.
Well, I guess that could work, too.
- (SQUEALS) - Yes.
(CHUCKLES) So excited.
Now I know what those Dutch windmills felt like.
(LAUGHS) I do not like the Dutch.
I love it.
You knew that I have that "V" muscle on my lower stomach and you never saw me with my shirt off.
Well, you can put a tiger in a T-shirt, but it is still a tiger.
(LAUGHS) What do you think, Jen? You're a genius.
I pulled back the curtain on you and there you were.
(ALL CHUCKLE) Okay, well, um, yes.
So much of that, and, hey, don't get into any more trouble or I'm gonna have to take ten more of these masterpieces.
(LAUGHS) I hate it.
It's horrible.
I don't want it in this room.
Come on, honey.
I mean, don't-don't reject something 'cause you don't understand it.
I understand that I hate it.
(SIGHS) O-Okay.
All right.
Marriage is all about compromise, so I'll fix this.
No, Greg, this is not a fix.
In our bedroom? Well, only you and I will ever see it.
Well, and Renata on Thursdays, but she's pretty discreet.
She doesn't even speak English.
She doesn't speak English to you.
MATT: Hey, Greg? - Yeah, in the bedroom.
- Is that Matt? Yeah.
You know, he said he wanted to see the painting, and I was like, "Yeah, sure, if you want to come over, I guess" Hey, man.
Where's this painting you begged me to see? It's right here.
MATT: Whoa.
Is that an original Erikson? Yeah.
He's a client.
This is special.
You see the "V"? I'm yoked.
Yeah.
We're getting rid of it.
- Wh-Why? - Oh, I know.
Art is the currency of the woke.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
No, no, no.
Jen, getting rid of an Erikson right now would be like getting rid of an early Basquiat.
You have hit the jackpot.
Yeah.
And I may be his muse.
(RINGTONE PLAYS) Hello? FEMALE VOICE: This is IRS Officer Richardson.
Okay, this is an IRS scam call that I'm gonna take 'cause it's preferable to looking at this picture, but please get rid of it.
- We just wanted to have you over to thank you.
- (GASPS) It-It's really so lovely in this room.
That is sexy.
Wow.
Uh, I can't believe it's-it's in here.
Mom, I thought I told you to put it in your bedroom.
I couldn't sleep with it in the bedroom.
(LAUGHING): Neither could I.
Oh, my God.
Dead sexy.
So, then my mom was like, "Where do all your missing socks go?" And that got me wondering.
What if the socks aren't lost? What if they go to a dryer vent portal to another dimension where socks ruled? It's called Socktopia.
(LAUGHS) Listen, it's no secret that you're at a lower reading level than us, but as a storyteller you're fantastic.
Yeah.
So what happens? All the socks go into a big dance.
Ooh, is it a sock hop? No.
Well, that's a misfire.
(BELL RINGS) - Yeah.
- It's so cute, right? Oh, so cute.
Yeah.
Oh, hey.
Why don't you just run it by Sophia? She'll tell you if it's good.
What's good? You remember your Aunt Colleen and I wrote that children's book, The Chicken Who Could Chew? Yes.
You bring it up every time Mom-Mom serves chicken.
Okay, so not that often - 'cause she hardly ever makes chicken.
- Yeah.
I wonder why.
- Okay.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Well, anyway, we came up with a great new idea for a children's book: The Chicken Who Could Chew-Chew.
It's about a chicken who drives a train.
- Choo-choo.
- Choo-choo.
Yikes.
Original ideas are very hard to come by, Sophia.
- I'd like to see you come up with one.
- (SCOFFS) Okay.
Well yesterday I started thinking.
Where do all the missing socks go? Mom says they're lost, but what if they're not? What if the missing socks travel through a dryer vent portal to another dimension where socks rule called Socktopia? - Ooh.
- That's really good.
- I just got full-body chills.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like that one.
I like that way better than the chicken driving a trolley.
No, no, no, it's a chicken on a train.
What would a chicken be doing on a trolley? Heather, shut up.
Oh, you shut up.
So, Sophia, Uncle Matt and I have been talking, and we think that your sock idea would be the perfect follow-up to The Chicken Who Could Chew.
What happened to The Chicken Who Could Chew-Chew? No, no, no, that was just a joke.
Anyway, we think it would be really fun to collaborate with you.
Oh, no.
No.
I-It's-it's just a dumb idea.
- What? No, it's not.
- No.
We've all wondered where those missing socks go.
You're the only person who's ever figured it out.
COLLEEN: It's so exciting.
Your original vision is gonna be turned into our original vision.
- Yay! - (WHOOPS) (CHUCKLES) Yay! (CHEERING) Mmm, okay, sweetie, can you hand me those potato chips? It's time for the secret ingredient in Heather's Famous Chocolate Chip Cookies.
Hey, Mom? Don't you use the recipe on the bag of chocolate chips? Yeah, sure.
But you call this your recipe.
Well, what makes it mine is that I double the butter and then I had crushed potato chips.
So, if you change a few details you don't have to feel guilty about taking someone's idea? Oh, no.
My Famous Eight-Layer Dip? Yeah, that's store-bought seven-layer dip and then I add crushed potato chips.
Wait, then what are Heather's Famous Potato Chips? I add salt.
COLLEEN: Do the socks travel in cars or in shoes? Ooh, and how about instead of socks we make them puppies on their way to Puppytopia? That's some slobbery fun we can all get behind.
Yeah, puppies are this year's frozen yogurt.
They're played out.
Okay, fine.
But you know what we'd all really love? - Hmm? - Puppies that are also fish.
Guppy puppies.
Ew, gross.
Why are you changing it? What, you don't like socks? I like socks because they're in boots who live in Booty-Town.
That's our story.
I love this back and forth.
- (SIGHS) - Booty-Town? You don't lose boots in a dryer vent.
That's crazy.
You lose boots at a bar.
What? Uh, yeah.
Let's just stick with your initial vision.
Corbin, wait up.
We need to talk.
I did something awful.
You put the dead gerbil in my sneaker? What? Oh, my gosh, no.
Anyway, you remember that Socktopia story you told? - Mm-hmm.
- I-I I pretended it was mine, and now my aunt and uncle are using it for a book.
What? I-I can't believe you would do that.
I'm so sorry.
I feel awful.
But I promise, any money that comes my way, it's yours.
I'll take the money and maybe I could learn to forgive you.
You liar! I already apologized, Beverly.
Not you, Corbin.
Socktopia's a book.
Socktopia is already a book? MATT: And on the other side of the dryer vent portal is a magical land where socks rule.
Socktopia.
You mean Socktopia, the popular children's book? Okay, uh, what about puppies that are guppies? Or a chicken that drives a train? - Choo-choo.
- (CHUCKLES) FEMALE VOICE: This is IRS Officer Richardson with final notification against your case for moneys owed.
$5,000 must be wired to us immediately or we will come to arrest you.
The wire routing number for wiring is Good-bye.
Oh, Tank.
Daddy's really in trouble this time.
- Hey, partner.
- Whoa.
Where you headed? Oh I don't want to worry you, so I'm not gonna tell you.
What is it? Is someone hurt? No.
It's the IRS.
They're really angry, but I don't want to worry you.
- The IRS? Are we in trouble? - Mm.
Real big trouble, yeah.
But, again, I don't want to worry you.
- But, John - Mm-hmm? We'll just call our accountant.
Celeste is brilliant, and it's my understanding that, if we're in trouble, we can throw her under the bus.
Celeste might not want to take our call because I-I fired her.
- You fired her? When? - Mm-hmm.
On her birthday.
I didn't know it was her birthday.
Why? Our taxes are so easy with her.
Well, that's what made me think I could do them myself.
See, I called the office, and she had left early for the day, which really ticked me off.
Because she left early on her birthday? Yeah.
But then again, I, I didn't know that.
We'll just look at our tax return because the only reason the IRS would be after us is if you screwed something up.
It's possible.
I did use the demo version of the program.
The-the deluxe version was $19.
99, but I guess I could've written that off, like I did the boat.
Boat? Oh, I think I know what I did wrong.
- I'm calling the bank.
- Yeah.
And we're going to transfer the funds and that's the end of this.
Then we're gonna take Celeste to the Cheesecake Factory to apologize.
I don't think that's such a good idea, Joan.
They don't take reservations, but I hear the brown bread is really good.
Oh, hello.
This is Joan Short calling.
I'm hoping to wire some money to the IRS.
MAN (ON PHONE): Yes, please hold.
I'll transfer.
What are you doing now? If the IRS is coming for us, I'm gonna hide these valuables for the kids.
The kids We've got to call the kids.
No, no, it'd break my heart to get them involved in this.
You drive me crazy, and you're the sweetest man.
Give me your ring.
I'm gonna shove it up Cheeto's butt.
I'll stuff it up there.
Why is this so difficult? Oh.
(LAUGHS) Merry Christmas, Joanie.
Thank you, honey.
(DOORBELL RINGS) - (GASPS) - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - It can't be them.
- It is.
The IRS.
They're here.
- No.
- I want you one last time.
Right now.
You don't even have to finish.
- (KNOCKING CONTINUES) - No.
- (DOORBELL RINGING) - If it's them, we go.
- Oh.
- I'm done running.
MAN (ON PHONE): Ma'am, are you there? - Can you hold? - Oh, yes.
Yes, I'll hold.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) (DOORBELL RINGING) Heather! Why do you have the door locked? The IRS called.
If we don't wire them money today, they're coming for us.
Oh, no, no, no, no, Mom.
That's a scam.
- A scam? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
We get that call all the time.
Listen, if the IRS wants to get a hold of you, they do it through certified mail.
- Are you sure? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, because Tim wired them $5,000, so that's how we know.
(LAUGHS) What an idiot! Okay, I re-hired Celeste.
Yeah, well, I learned my lesson.
(LAPTOP CHIMES) Oh, boy, it's your nephew.
No, not Mikey.
"I'm sorry for the odd request because it might get to you too urgent.
I'm stuck in an Indonesian prison and need 2,000 monies I can refund on prompt return to America"? Oh, I don't know about this.
Offer them a thousand, see if they go for it.
I'll get my checkbook.
I think this counts as a tax write-off.
"I'm stuck in monies" Oh, Mikey, if you'd just passed English in high school.