Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s03e18 Episode Script

Brother Faisal, how was your trip? My cousin lives like a king.
His house is like a palace.
Truly, it is the land of milk and honey.
Yes, I have always liked Winnipeg.
- And his mosque.
Very conservative.
- Oh, my favourite kind.
I don't know.
- It may be too conservative for you.
- But I am conservative.
It's my thing.
It may have been once, but you have changed, Baber.
I have not.
I never change! I demand to know what that mosque has that ours does not.
A bigger barrier? A women's balcony? - A women's balcony with a barrier? - Separate doors for men and women.
- Oh, let's not go crazy.
- You see! I was right.
- You have lost your edge.
- All I am is edge! I just don't see why we need two entrances.
Not when our women already are a model of modesty and propriety.
Oh, really? - Loafers, huh? - Yeah, what can I say, I like to loaf.
Me too.
Oh hey, here you go.
You might need both of these.
Thanks.
Now, would that be her modesty or her propriety? Season 3 Episode 18 Baber Makes an Entrance Hey, Joe, what do you know? Not much.
I didn't realize there would be a test.
- Oh, Joe, you're so funny.
- Really? Sure, who can resist that deadpan delivery? Yeah.
I knew it.
You know what, I am gonna send that tape to "America's Funniest Farmers".
- Thanks, Sarah! - Okay.
You know, I've told him that's not a real show.
He dreamt it.
Well he's lucky he's got such a wise and caring spiritual leader to look out for him.
Well, I don't know about You really think so? - Absolutely.
- I do not know how you do it.
How do you always know the right thing to say? - It's easy.
Just don't think about it.
- Perhaps you are right.
Is this your tip? Are you thoughtless or just cheap? Ask yourself, what would Jesus tip? That was easy.
Hmm, maybe it's not so easy.
How do I do it? Layla, this is a mosque, not a good time happy singles cruise that you should never ever go on.
- Dad, you're overreacting.
- I am under-reacting! - I talked to the guy for two seconds.
- That is four seconds too long.
I am counting the seconds before and after just to be safe.
Is there any way it could possibly be my fault that some boy just happened to have his shoes next to mine? - Dad? - I am thinking! I'll be in the car.
- You see? You have gone soft.
- I'll show you soft.
Tell me more about these segregated entrances.
- Subhanallah! Baber is back! - Oh! You know it, baby.
- So, how goes the planning? - Ah, it's good Well not great.
It's pretty bad actually.
Uncle Basam and aunt Hajara just got a divorce.
If they sit together it's going to be a nightmare.
Well, I'll sit between them.
And I get along with everyone.
Apparently I always say the right thing.
There you go.
Problem solved.
You know, it's too bad about the split, though.
It happens so often these days.
Makes you wonder why anyone would get married in the first place.
Except for you two, of course.
I mean, you are in love.
Mind you I bet they all thought they were in love too.
Until it all fell apart.
- Really? That's your move? - Of course not.
Brother Amaar, we need to talk.
We have a bold new innovation that will bring the mosque into the 19th century.
- You're going backwards.
- Thank you.
We want you to build another entrance for the mosque.
- A woman's entrance.
- A woman's only entrance.
- We need separate entrances.
- Yeah, I know.
I get it, guys.
- But we're not building another entrance.
- Why not? Other than being directly opposed to everything I believe in as imam? Yes, of course other than that.
Well, we can't afford another entrance, can we, Yasir? With our budget, technically we can't afford the one we have.
What about the back door? The back door that leads to the dumpster in the alley.
The garbage door? Just because garbage goes out, doesn't mean women can't come in.
Well, I don't know He is right! Let's go.
We have work to do.
Entrance related work.
- This is going to be trouble.
- I've got it under control.
- You have a plan? - Maybe I do.
Maybe I do, Yasir.
- Well, do you? - Yeah, I do.
- Hey! Nice hat.
- Thanks.
- Really covers your hair.
- Why, what's wrong with my hair? What? Nothing.
You've got great hair.
It's much better than that terrible hat.
Thanks.
Wait a minute.
Now you're picking on my hat.
Hey Duncan, I really like those pants.
No wonder you wear them all the time.
- Are you saying I wear these pants too often? - No, you're being sensitive.
Oh great! Now I'm sensitive.
Hey, Tina! Congratulations! May I? - Oh, I think I felt a little kick.
- Oh, I doubt it.
- You're not pregnant, are you? - Not at all.
- Okay.
I'm going to go now.
- I'll miss you.
- Salaam alaikum.
- Walaikum assalaam.
What are you doing? It is not what he is doing, but what he is not doing.
Fine.
What are you not doing? I am not allowing women through the mosque's brand new "men's only" door.
And what are you doing? It's not what I'm doing.
It's what I'm not doing.
And I am not going to be kept out of my mosque.
- No one is trying to keep you out.
- You are! You are more than welcome to come inside.
Through the mosque's new, extra special, - women's only entrance.
- A women's only entrance? To ensure propriety and modesty.
It is about respecting our women.
- That does not sound so bad.
- Fatima, that's segregation.
- It's a huge step backwards.
- Thank you, it was my idea.
- Ahem! - Our idea.
- I would like to speak to Amaar, please.
- You should talk to Amaar.
If only there was a way to get inside, hmm.
Ah, wait, there is! Around back.
Is it just me, or does the extra special women's entrance look a lot like the garbage door? Is that the sign from the woman's washroom? Ah! Unbelievable! Darling, I came as fast as I can.
What's wrong? Accident? Illness? What? - Worse.
I've lost my mojo.
- Oh! Well.
I'm glad I ran.
Well, you don't understand.
My small talk.
It's gone.
Fatima asked me how I always knew the right thing to say, and I started thinking how I always know the right thing to say, and suddenly I didn't know the right thing to say.
I've lost it.
Darling, darling.
You're over-thinking this.
Everything is going to be fine.
Oh, honey, that would be so much more comforting if you were ever right about anything.
Wow.
I mean Wow.
You see?! Get me to the car and home without talking to anybody.
Let's get you out of here before you cause any more harm.
Oh.
There you are! Hi Yasir.
Sarah, I need you in my office, stat.
I've got the mayor of Odayna in there, and he's finally thinking about joining the GMA! - GMA? - Greater Mercy Area.
- I just need your razzmatazz to seal the deal.
- My taz, you know what, I left it in the car.
No time! Get in there and start sweet-talking! I just discovered I can't go through the front door of my own mosque.
Don't worry, Rayyan.
I'm handling this.
Really? 'Cause you're doing a good impression of someone who's not handling it.
These are mature, dignified men.
- You have to treat them like teenagers.
- What does that mean? If I tell them they can't do something, they're gonna want to do it more.
I can't tell them segregation is wrong, I have to show them.
Trust me.
I have a plan.
I just don't know why we need to join some new-fangled GMA.
Well I Odayna is already doing better than an owl in a rat factory.
Well, aside from the obvious tourism and business benefits, the GMA could connect you with something larger.
Something important.
- Yeah.
I suppose that's right.
- Besides you must be sick of people calling Odayna a two-bit hole in the wall full of hicks and horse thieves.
- People call us that? - Well, I'm sure it's nothing personal.
Of course not.
It's not you, it's your town.
People don't like your town.
A town ain't nothin' but the people in it! Oh.
You're right.
Well, it is you.
People don't like you.
But I don't mean you specifically, but then again, I - Please shut me up.
- I'm doing my best.
- Ah yes, isn't it wonderful? - And did you see the cubby? No female footwear in sight! So delightfully temptation free.
Layla! Isn't it wonderful? What is that terrible smell? It's me.
My hair smells like coffee grounds and fish sticks.
- You should change shampoos.
- It's the door, dad.
The garbage door.
It's degrading, it's humiliating, and Oh yeah, it's surrounded by garbage.
Who thought this was a good idea anyway? - Me? - What? Also Faisal.
How could you? See? Baber talks a tough game.
But I knew when he saw Layla, he'd begin to have his doubts.
- Everything is under control.
- You know, when you're right, you're right.
- Hello, darling.
- Hi, dad.
Amaar, remember how I said I trusted you.
- I do.
- Well, I was wrong.
If we're not good enough for the front door, then this mosque isn't good enough for us.
- What do you mean? - I mean, we're leaving.
All of us.
Let's go, ladies.
We're not coming back.
What about your wedding? I'd rather have it somewhere I'm welcome.
Remember when I said when you're right, you're right? - I do.
- I was wrong.
Rayyan, wait.
Let's talk about this.
Okay, we'll talk later.
Now we have no women at all.
This is even better than Winnipeg! - And it is all because of you, Baber.
- Yes, hooray for me.
But what if someone thought that maybe we should put things back the way they were before? Well, we would know that "phoney-baloney conservative" for the "loosey-goosy liberal" that he is! - Why do you ask? - No reason.
- I'll think about what you said.
- Oh, please don't.
Sarah been interesting meeting you.
You have a really weak handshake.
It's like shaking a noodle.
Buh-bye.
- What the heck are you doing? - I'm having a bad day.
A bad day?! A bad day is losing - This is a disaster.
- You lost 2% of the budget at the track? That's not the point.
The point is that your "bad day" has cost me my dream of a bustling Merce-tropolis! - What a terrible name.
- Oh, could you just stop talking? Layla.
- You must be reasonable.
- I'm being reasonable.
I'm not going where I'm not wanted.
I'll just do my prayers here.
What about Fridays? You must come to the sermon.
No, if you'll recall the rules, dad, it's only mandatory for men to attend Friday sermon and prayer.
- Why did I ever teach you the rules? - Cheer up, dad.
At least I won't be fraternizing with boys at the shoe rack anymore.
- I guess you got your wish.
- That is not my wish.
Were you not listening to my wish? My wish was very specific.
You! Oh, no.
Get away from me.
I don't want to make things worse.
You are the most socially awkward woman I have ever met.
That may be true, but your tie is ugly.
I have got to stop talking.
Most of the PR folks I meet are slicker than oiled weasels.
- I hate 'em.
- You hate weasels? No, PR folks.
They're full of hooey.
You know, my mom taught me to respect the plain truth.
When I got an "A" on an algebra exam, most "slick" moms would say something like, "keep it up".
Not mine.
She said "you got lucky" - and she took my bike.
- She sounds terrible.
- Well, in a way she was.
- Come work for me, huh? I could use a PR person with your appetite for the salty truth.
It's only 40 minutes drive.
I could pay you more money, and you know, you'd have a very real chance of getting ahead.
- I couldn't do that to Anne.
- Forget about the Merce-tropolis.
That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
Come, you be a part of the Odaynasphere.
- That's a terrible name.
- See, that's what I'm talking about! - Dad, Amaar, salaam alaikum.
- Walaikum assalaam.
You're talking to us.
I thought you were still mad at me.
Don't be silly.
Where are you going? - Fatima's.
- Fatima's? Oh, I'm sorry, this is the women's entrance.
- Where's the men's entrance? - There isn't one.
She may still be mad at you.
- Oh, go away, you two.
- What are you upset about? - You got what you wanted.
- It's not what I wanted.
This was meant to be about women, not Layla.
- So call it off.
- I can't.
If I call it off now, Faisal will think I have gone soft.
And if you don't, Layla'll know her father thinks all women are inferior.
Women are not less, they are more.
That is why we need a separate entrance.
You know, I think I just came up with another plan.
Oh good.
The last one went really, really well.
Good morning, Anne.
You're giving me the silent treatment? That's not fair.
What's not fair is that my dream of the GMA is gone.
Thanks to you, Benedict Sarah.
First of all, what do eggs have to do with anything? Second, can't we just put this behind us? And third, I just got the "Benedict" thing.
I'm sorry.
Sorry that I ever trusted you to handle anything so important.
That's it! After all I've done for you, my tongue gets tied for one day and you turn your back on me? When the storm clouds of life rolled in with the thunder of uncertainty, you proved you were only ever a fair weather friend.
I quit! Wow.
Well said.
- Thank you for coming.
- You said we had no choice.
You also said there would be snacks.
I see no snacks.
- Really? There are snacks? - There are no snacks.
Look, I think I've come up with a solution that's going to work for everybody.
- We're going to keep both entrances.
- Are you serious? It's like Baber said, having two doors isn't about degrading or humiliating the women.
Exactly! - It's about a gesture of respect.
- So true! Which is why the men won't mind using the back door themselves.
- Come again? - The women will use the front door, - and the men can use the back door.
- The garbage door? Don't you mean the new extra special men's entrance? Or if you prefer, Faisal, we could all simply go back to using the same entrance.
How about it? No! You think the men are afraid to use another entrance just because it's an inconvenience? Bring it on! Well, not exactly where I thought it would go, but the women must be happy, right? Amaar, it's not about a nicer door.
Now we're just being segregated politely.
Amaar, it's not about a nicer door.
Now we're just being segregated politely.
Oh! We should have brought snacks.
People like snacks.
It's okay, that was just step one.
This is where you come in.
Sarah, I am just as happy as a hog on St.
Piglet's day - that you've decided to join us.
- Well, what can I say? I just knew it was time to catch that opportunity train to a little town called "successville".
- Where's that? Up north? - No, I mean Odayna.
We're going to turn your bustling mini-metropolis into a shining star at the centre of the Odaynasphere.
- Whoa.
You've changed.
- I have? You're right, I have.
I just got so mad at Anne there wasn't time to over think it.
- And that's good? - That's wonderful.
I feel like a morning iris opening up to face the pure and resplendent sunlight.
- Hey heh, you know, that's vivid, and clear.
- Oh, thank you.
- Evocative, even.
- Whoosh.
Yes, well.
And gosh darn it, I'm afraid it's just not what we're looking for.
- What? - You're a beautiful flower.
But what happened to that plain spoken potato that I fell in love with? I can be a potato.
I can be a really great potato.
Nestled in the earth and getting in touch with the loamy knowledge of the people.
Oh! Wow! - Don't quit your day job.
- I just did.
- You came.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
- Reluctantly, though.
I still don't see what this is going to change.
- Uh, Where's my dad? - Or any of the men? I can't believe we have to use the garbage door.
- Don't you mean the men's door? - What is that smell? What do you think? It's the garbage door.
Hurry up! - I can't.
It seems to be stuck.
- You are doing it wrong.
Pull harder! - Ow! - Oh, yes, wonderful tip.
- Do you hear that? - Hear what? Shhhh Amaar is speaking.
We have decided we can get by on one entrance for both the women and the men.
- I suggest we use the front one.
- Okay, if that's how you feel.
- We can live with that, reluctantly.
- Thanks, dad.
Oh God, you smell horrible.
That's the nicest thing you've said to me in days.
I am so sorry, Amaar.
I should have known you'd have a plan.
- Still, lucky the door handle broke like that.
- Yeah.
Lucky.
- That went well.
- Yes.
Did you have any trouble loosening the door handle? Surprisingly easy.
Game of chess? Yeah, probably have an hour before the next crisis.
At least! Yes.
We did it.
We finally did it! We found a place for everyone.
Every cousin, every in-law, every nephew.
- It is, dare I say - say it! The best seating chart in the history of weddings.
That is so lovely.
Now where are you two sitting? That's great.
There goes my weekend.
Sarah you were right.
- I don't appreciate you as much as I should.
- You don't? You have stood by me through thick and thin, and if I can't give you a break for one bad day, - what kind of friend am I? - Thanks! Of course, do it again I'll fire you faster than a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat.
I've got to stop hanging out in Odayna.
- Is everything all right? - Oh no.
Much better than all right.
I'm at Fatima's.
Oh, that Sarah, she always knows what to say.
Oh! Please don't say that.