Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e18 Episode Script

Oh, Mindy, dinner was deIicious.
Since Kathy's away, I'm gratefuI for any meaI that doesn't begin with the word ''instant.
'' You certainIy are in a good mood today considering UncIe Dave is coming into town tomorrow.
Yeah, weII, we never got aIong very weII.
It's just, weII, he's aIways accompIished more than I did and he Iet me know about it.
He's aIways been a IittIe eccentric.
Is that why every time you see him, you break out in hives? Yeah, maybe this time it wiII be different.
After aII, it's been seven years since I've seen him.
And he reminded me of his isIand in the Caribbean.
And my mortgage in BouIder.
WeII, you can stop scratching, Dad.
I'II make him a great dinner and teII Mork not to cut his meat with his finger.
Am I home yet, Mind? Yes, Mork.
Oh, thank goodness.
This is the sixth house I've backed into.
AII right, I'II ask.
Mork, why are you waIking backwards? What? I'm ceIebrating my heritage, Mind, this is NationaI Backwards Day.
It something that everyone Iooks forward to on Ork.
I'm in big troubIe.
Oh, Pops, nice not seeing you.
So you've been out waIking around aII day backwards.
Didn't peopIe stare at you? I don't know, Mind, I don't have eyes in the back of my head.
WeII, I have to go.
Honey, just make sure you turn him around by the time Dave gets here.
Oh, Pops, don't start scratching yet.
That hoIiday's not untiI next month.
So, Mork, how Iong does NationaI Backwards Day Iast? - In Earth years, Mind? - Mork It's over, Mind.
By the way, who's Dave? Oh, Dave is Dad's brother.
Pop has a bioIogicaI brother? Is he oIder, younger, maIe, femaIe? WeII, he's oIder.
And brothers are aImost usuaIIy aIways maIe.
Oh, not Dr.
Joyce Brothers.
It's been years since we've seen UncIe Dave and Aunt CaroIine.
Dad reaIIy wants to impress his brother, so pIease try to act Iike an earthIing.
You got it, Mind.
Who do you want me to be? Catchy tune.
Oh, it's here, it's my package from Ork.
I ordered it speciaI deIivery.
Thank you, and no tip.
You were sIow opening.
- Oh, you.
Oh, Mind.
- What--? - CeremoniaI food for Backwards Day.
- What is it? - It's caIIed flek.
- Flek? What's that? It's Iike nargle, except when you eat it, you don't grow feathers.
It sure doesn't Iook Iike food.
WeII, these are seeds, Mind.
You just pIant them and up comes flek.
Here we go.
There, little one And time and growth will know Mork, on Ork, do aII pIants grow that fast? Yes, Mindy, but on Ork, even the begonias have stretch marks.
- HeIIo, CaroIine.
- Fred, dear, how nice to see you.
Hi, Aunt CaroIine.
- And this can't be Mindy.
- Yeah.
Oh, my, what a big girI you've grown up to be.
So where's that big brother of mine? Oh, Dave, dear, Fred and Mindy are here.
Oh, he just can't wait to see you.
Junior, as I make it, you're four minutes Iate.
I've bought companies in Iess time.
WeII, yes, I know, Dave, but it's wonderfuI to see you.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
This is Mindy, of course.
Yes.
What a pretty IittIe girI you are.
The outfit's a IittIe strange.
I don't know about the sweater.
Doesn't make any difference, doesn't matter.
- UncIe Dave, weII, it's nice to see you.
- Oh, good.
I'II save those.
WeII, now you just move your IittIe Adidas into the kitchen and Iet's get some goodies, huh? Yes, Daddy dear.
Oh, I don't know what I'd do without her.
I think I'II keep her.
TeII me something, junior, where's your baII and chain? - My what? - I think he means your IittIe wifey.
Oh, weII, Kathy's in Chicago this weekend.
You Iet her traveI? By herseIf? Oh, she pIays fIute in a chamber group.
How fascinating.
Oh, no.
No, they're very good.
Oh, come on, junior.
You're kidding me.
I mean, you got your wife pIaying the fIute in Chicago, putting a stick in her face? You can't cut it on your own? Hey, teII me something incidentaIIy, how's the arm? It itches.
I mean, you're the maestro, the guy with the baton.
How about a IittIe buiIding up of the biceps? Oh, weII, no, no, Dave, come on.
I think we're a IittIe oId for aII of this, don't you? What do you mean, ''a IittIe oId,'' junior? Oh, no, no, you're never too oId for the taste of victory.
Okay.
AII right, aII right.
Here we go, okay? Okay? One more for me.
Now you have a reaI disadvantage.
Okay, aII right, ready? Yeah.
Dave McConneII here.
About what? You want me to speak to the BouIder Association? - UncIe Dave.
- Oh, wait a minute.
I thought you and Aunt CaroIine were having dinner at my house tonight.
Yeah, that's right, but what time are we eating, sweetheart? Seven-thirty? Seven-thirty.
Seven-thirty.
Listen, how about 9? Okay, boys? I'II be there.
Let's see, where was I? Oh, yeah.
WeII, I guess some things never change.
Wrong, junior.
No, this time you didn't cry for Mommy.
Let's take a Iook at it.
This smeIIs good.
That's good.
Mind, how do my pants Iook? - Mork, very nice.
- I pressed them myseIf.
Do you think I'd get a better crease if I take them off first? PossibIy.
Mork, couId you heIp me finish setting the tabIe? - AII right.
- UncIe Dave is in a hurry.
He wants to eat as soon as he gets here.
WeII, maybe we shouId start out by serving frog's arms.
We're not serving frog's arms.
See, we're aIready ahead of scheduIe.
I don't know why we're going to aII this troubIe for UncIe Dave.
I mean, he hasn't been very nice to Dad.
I'm making this big meaI and you made this deIicious dessert.
By deIicious, Mind, are you inferring that some of this has passed by your Iips? Oh, yeah.
It's good.
Mind, that was flek.
- Flek? - Yeah.
- No earthIing's ever eaten it.
- I'm gonna be aII right, aren't I? Just be caIm and teII me where you keep your stomach pump.
Stomach pump? I didn't mean to frighten you.
We'II have to use the pIunger.
Open.
- Mork, come on.
- Mind, Mind.
You're overreacting.
I just ate a tiny piece and I feeI fine.
Oh, wiII you sign a statement to that effect, Mind? Sure.
I guess if it's okay for Orkans, it's aII right for you.
There's nothing wrong with me that getting through this evening won't cure.
I'II get it.
I wonder if UncIe Dave wouId mind if I tied her to a chair.
Mork, what did I just do? Something Iike this: It must be the flek, Mind.
But I feeI perfectIy normaI right now.
Mindy, it's Dad.
Oh, no.
Mork, if I start acting strange again, just cover for me, aII right? - Dad's got enough on his mind.
- AII right, be caIm, be caIm, be caIm.
- HeIIo.
- Hi.
Oh, I'II just put this over here.
Mindy, you Iook beautifuI, and Mork, you Iook aImost human.
And I reaIIy wanna thank you.
I appreciate this.
- Oh, wiII you get up here? - What? What? WiII you Iook at that waII there? - What are we Iooking at? - Right there at that waII.
It's amazing how the fIoor and the ceiIing kind of butt together right there.
Mork, that is interesting, but I think maybe tonight it might be a good idea if we don't discuss waII appreciation with Dave.
That's fine.
Let see, I think we-- Help me here.
No.
Why don't we sit down and have a IittIe snort before dinner? You know how it aIways reIaxes you.
It reIaxes me too, you know.
How about a IittIe toddy for the body? Mindy, are you aII right? Mork, I can't seem to controI myseIf.
Oh, why does this have to happen tonight? I don't know, Mind That's Dave.
He never has time to knock twice.
Oh, I shaII get it.
No, Iet me.
I'II answer it.
What's she doing? The bunny hop.
Listen, Mindy, what's going on around here? - HeIIo.
- Hi.
HeIIo, CaroIine.
HeIIo, Dave.
HeIIo, my name is Mork.
I'm the Caucasian heIp this evening.
I do not Iive with Mindy and it's a pIeasure to have you.
Yeah, aII right.
Good.
Thank you, sir.
WeII, come on, Iet's eat, junior.
Come on, time is Krugerrands.
It's nice having you here, UncIe Dave.
My dear, what a IoveIy apartment.
I just Iove way-- PIease, pIease, you keep chattering, Mother, and we're gonna miss dessert.
WeII, Dave, I certainIy hope you're hungry, because Mindy's prepared a wonderfuI dinner.
IncidentaIIy, Mother, do you wanna pass aIong this fine bottIe of sauce to junior? ''Chateau Lafitte McConneII.
'' Your own vineyard.
That's quite impressive, Dave.
The fact is it's Mother's and mine, isn't it? Just north of Napa, a huge monastery, about 50 monks.
We Iost four.
Jumped a bus or something, I don't know.
Any rate, Iong about Iate JuIy, earIy August, those IittIe deviIs come out.
Jumping up and down their IittIe feet and pressing out these grapes.
Of course, there are no women at the monastery, are there, Mother? No, there are not.
So you just see them jumping up and down, their IittIe feet going away, stepping on those IittIe grapes.
Oh, UncIe Dave, sir, Aunt CaroIine, can I show you the rest of the house? There's the attic up there, there's the bedroom over here.
This is our Iiving room, or as we Iike to caII it, our ''Iiving space.
'' Mindy, are you aII right? Yes, I'II expIain it to you Iater, but, Dad, I'm fine.
No, no, no, dinner's ready.
- Oh, weII, Iet's aII sit down, shaII we? - Okay, Iet's go there.
Let's go over and sit down.
This is a very speciaI occasion.
NormaIIy we have duck in a bucket.
Here you are, Mother.
Beat you to it, jeIIy beIIy.
Get some therapy for her.
Therapy.
Mindy, are you aII right? She normaIIy Iikes to do this, it's kind of Iike punk grace: ''Can you Iight the poo-bee?'' Mindy.
Mindy, I am aII hungry.
CouId I have something to eat? WouId you Iike an oIive? Yes, I'd Iike an oIive.
Good, good.
Bombs away.
I wanna teII you something.
I wanna teII you something.
Fit her for an eIectric bonnet now.
Set it at 580.
Dave, I think that's just Mindy's way of making a IittIe joke.
You shouId see her when she touches her tongue to her eyebrow.
We haven't had a fIy in here in three years.
I'm teIIing you, you shouId put a muzzIe on her and send her to an obedience schooI.
Hey, pickIe puss.
That does it.
That does it.
That does it.
Come on.
Come on, CaroIine, Iet's go.
Let's get the coats.
Next thing, she'II be howIing at the moon.
Come on.
- I don't think she wouId do that.
- No, pIease.
- WouId she? - I'm not sure.
No, wait, UncIe Dave.
UncIe Dave, come back.
PIease, Aunt CaroIine.
I don't know what came over me.
Neither do I.
Oh, I reaIIy apoIogise.
You haven't even finished dinner and this means so much to Dad and me.
Dave, Iook, I don't know what's come over Mindy, but pIease stay.
Are you kidding? I toId CaroIine, I toId you, coming in on the pIane, this was gonna be a bummer of a reunion.
And it's a bummer.
I want out.
I want out.
But, UncIe Dave, sir, you can't Ieave with bitter memories in your mind.
Why not Ieave with something sweet? Like, I have this dessert I made.
And you have to try it.
PIease? You know, incidentaIIy, you seem Iike the onIy normaI one here.
Not bad, not bad.
A IittIe on the tart side, kind of gritty.
UncIe Dave? Are you feeIing aII right? Right, right, right.
Of course I'm feeIing aII right, right, right, right.
Left, Ieft, Ieft, company! AII right, IittIe girI, these are the trenches.
Not easy to ride a horse in a trench, is it? Go on back in the tents there with the young chiIdren.
Stay in that barn untiI the war's over.
You, heIp with the waIking wounded.
They must be waIking, however.
Crossed in front of a horse.
Easy.
AII right, easy.
Men, take a Iook at it.
It's Whitey.
No, the horse.
There.
Sergeant Major.
Good to see you.
Captain Bevre here.
Yes, First ImperiaI FusseIieres.
They were ready These are the trenches, of course.
Hey, man, what's going on? I'm an American.
Cheers, cheers.
What division? Rainbow division.
Come on, man, shape up or ship out.
Love you, Iove you.
Let's attack anyway.
Brian, Brian.
Oh, bIack peopIe.
PIease, come over here.
God bIess you.
I was kicked out of Sanders.
They found me in a dress.
Doesn't make any difference.
Found you in what? - A gown.
- A gown's better.
Oh, Father, Iook, thousands of Huns.
- Bosch.
- Yes, Bosch, Germans and Bosch.
- WeII - What's the Bosch? We're out of smaII soup with beets.
I suppose.
- We have some tooIs in the back.
- Where? Where are they? How about this? Oh, my hand.
My hand.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, get it out.
- Oh, I'm hurt.
I'm hurt.
- I know you are, but you've kiIIed the oId man with four fingers in his head.
Wait a minute.
Looks Iike the bIoody war's over.
- No, sir.
- What a shame.
And I've had no action.
You know, I can't-- No, it's my medaIIions.
We'II see you after the war, probabIy in a VW.
Did somebody switch brothers on me? Oh, I've never seen him act Iike this before.
Oh, I don't mean to pry, dear, but are you back from the war yet? Dave, what's come over you? Oh, I don't know, junior.
I was just pIaying.
You never did that with me.
I mean, you never pIayed with me when we were kids.
WeII, I know that.
When I came aIong, as you know, I was first.
I was first.
I knew at three years of age, I was first.
They gave me a IittIe kitty and a IittIe doggy, and then Daddy wouId bounce me on his knee, Ieft knee and then on his right knee.
Then Mommy wouId just bounce me, she'd dribbIe me: And shoot me, and I'd say: And then you came aIong.
I suppose I was jeaIous, insaneIy jeaIous.
I saw your IittIe body in a 50-by-20 bed.
They pIayed with you, painted you up, made you a bizarre chiId.
I began to hate you, hate you, hate you.
And I don't Iike you anymore.
I don't Iike you, Freddie.
Don't Iike you, junior.
You wonder why I'm different? Why I'm twisted and bent out of shape? Because you took my parents from me.
Now, don't worry, Aunt CaroIine.
If anybody can find UncIe Dave, Mork can.
- Mork, any Iuck? - No, I found him.
You'II never guess where.
Time's up.
Top of the fIagpoIe, city haII.
Oh, Dave, dear, are you aII right? Dave, wait a minute.
Now, Dave.
Dave, Iook.
Wait WeII, excuse me, I think Dave needs me.
To yeII at.
It was the flek, Dad.
He'II caIm down.
No, no, no, Mindy.
Flek or no flek, Dave's right.
We've never gotten aIong.
We never wiII.
But he's your brother, and he happens to feeI Iike you've robbed him of something speciaI.
What do you want me to say to him? He doesn't Iisten.
I'II taIk to him, Pops.
Who taIked him out of the Iobster tank at the Seafood Shanty? Now, Dave, I think WeII, I guess he can't make it any worse than it aIready is.
AII right, Iet's go.
Wait, wait, wait, Mind.
Wait, wait.
Let me teII you what UncIe Dave said first, he said: ''TeII junior, when I waIk out, I don't wanna see him in this room, any room, anywhere, that even incIudes a sIeazy hoteI in Bangkok.
'' It was wonderfuI seeing you and it's a good thing we did, because we'II probabIy never see you again.
Dave, I don't want it to end Iike this.
Just teII it to the doorman downstairs.
Oh, now, you just hoId it, brother.
AII my Iife, you've ignored me.
You've humiIiated me and you've made me itch Iike the deviI, and I never stopped trying to win your approvaI.
Do you know what it's Iike to Iove a brother and he doesn't Iove you back? It hurts.
Goodbye, Dave.
I stiII wish you weII.
Come on, kids, Iet's go.
Oh, Daddy, you're so good at negotiating.
Say something.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, junior.
Give me a minute, wiII you? I Iearned a Iot this evening.
I reaIIy did.
You made a fooI out of me, man.
I came off Iooking bad.
Maybe it's better that way, but I don't want it that way any Ionger.
I want it to be right.
FoIks are gone, and You and I are stiII brothers and we're stiII aIive, stiII very much aIive.
I want your Iove as bad as you want mine.
Hey, come on, put it there, Freddie.
You're stiII a dynamo.
Oh, you rascaI.
Hey.
Listen, why don't I take us aII to dinner? Get your purse, wiII you, sweetheart? What's that for? For giving my father a brother.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, O mighty sequoia.
Why do you call me sequoia, Mork? WeII, sir, it's the fattest tree that I know.
- y our report, Mork.
- Yes, sir.
This week, sir, I Iearned about competition.
The type of competition between different branches of the same famiIy tree.
You see, sir, how that it aII ties it in, tree, roots, things Iike that.
y ou told me earthlings were very competitive, but l didn't know they brought it home with them, Mork.
Oh, yes, sir, you see, sibIing rivaIry has been around for a Iong time.
Started with Cain and AbeI competing for God's attention right through Donny and Marie competing for the same hairdo.
Oh, Donny, why? But isn't competition a healthy thing? WeII, sir, it can be.
You see, I think a famiIy shouId be Iike a team.
They shouIdn't be forced to wear pads to protect each other from contact.
Everyone shouId be rooting each other on.
Well, why don't they? Your Spruce Gooseness, it starts with one person comparing himseIf to another and he forgets that the onIy standards he has to meet are the ones he sets for himseIf.
But isn't it through competition that greater heights are reached? Yes, sir, but I don't think you shouId use your famiIy as stepping stones.
UntiI next week, sir, na-no.