S.W.A.T. (2017) s03e18 Episode Script
Stigma
Previously on "S.
W.
A.
T" 17-year-old Raymont Harris was accidentally shot by team leader Buck Spivey.
I spent my life serving this city, and I undid everything I had accomplished with a single mistake.
We're looking to launch a private security firm.
I've struggled a bunch since leaving SWAT.
I mean, this could be big for me.
All right, let's do this.
Where does Buck fit into all this? He can't be the name or face of this company.
You can.
Concert promoter's pissed.
He hasn't been able to reach Buck all day.
So what happens to Buck? Most times, I I work stuff out by talking to my family or friends.
I know they have my back.
And that keeps me grounded.
But today's the first time I felt like I really needed this.
Because of what happened.
Yeah.
That really sucked.
Maybe it'd be easier if we talk about it, from the beginning.
It started with Hondo.
We're sorry.
The voice mailbox you've reached is full.
Everything okay, babe? Yeah, a pipe burst overnight at the community center.
Got to get in and see how bad the damage is.
You got a sump pump you keep handy? Oh, I'm fresh out, boo.
I swear that place is gonna drive me to bankruptcy.
It's always something.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
What's up? I just can't get a hold of Buck.
Your old team leader? - Something wrong? - No one's seen him in a few days.
And Deacon mentioned something was off about him, and now he's not answering anybody's calls.
- Quick trip to Vegas maybe? - I don't know.
He's fell off the grid like this a couple times before when something was wrong, so I'm just gonna stop by his place and check in.
I think you should.
- Love you.
- Bye.
All right, Buck keeps a spare key around back.
That's what got me in the last time I was worried about him.
Buck? You home? Check the rooms and the garage.
Yeah.
No sign of him.
Car's gone, too.
Man, I know Buck likes to throw a few back, but this is it's a lot.
His phone's dead.
Found these in the bedroom.
Sleeping pills.
Rest of the rooms look like this one? Yeah.
Looks like the last couple of calls went to an Owen Bennett yesterday.
Yeah.
That's our business partner at the private security firm.
There's only one other call to a 1-800 number.
You have reached the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, also servicing the Veteran's Crisis Line.
If you are in emotional distress or suicidal crisis or are concerned about someone who might be, we're here to help.
- Please remain on the - How long was the call? It says one minute, which means it could've been less.
- He might've just called and hung up.
- Gun safe's empty, too.
Get a hold of the rest of 20-Squad.
We got to track Buck down now.
- How do you plan on doing that? - I'm not sure.
But I got a real bad feeling we don't have time to get it wrong.
Dad used to hate it our when Captain McClintock made him do these sessions.
- Why's that? - He thought they were B.
S.
That anyone who needed therapy wasn't fit to be a cop.
He used to tell me, "How can you trust somebody to have your back when they don't even have their own issues squared away?" I see hundreds of officers every year, Luca.
Do you feel that way about them? No.
I mean, I get why we do it now.
Especially after a day like today.
Well, Buck was old school like my pops.
He didn't like talking to the cop shrink, either.
Maybe it would've helped him.
Has what happened today given you second thoughts about getting back into the field? Nah, I can't wait to get back out there.
But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried.
Hmm.
I mean, what if I can't? I already failed one fitness test.
I thought it was because of my hip.
What if it's really up here, you know? That's not so easy to fix.
Is losing SWA something you're afraid of? For as long as SWAT's existed, there's always been a Luca on the team.
Without it I don't know who I am.
Maybe that's how Buck felt, too.
Hey, what's the word, Hondo? Buck's been AWOL for 48 hours and we think he might be having suicidal thoughts.
Put the word out with patrols, some of his old metro buddies.
They're gonna reach out if they locate him.
- Hopefully, it's not too late.
- What? What's that supposed to mean? Buck's not here and we don't know where he's headed.
Yeah, well, that's why we need to find him.
We will.
Buck will be fine.
One thing's for sure: we ain't gonna find Buck just standing around here, so let's plan this out.
All right, Chris and I can go talk to Owen.
Last two calls he made were to him.
Tan, I want you to check and see if Buck stopped at any of his favorite haunts around town.
- You know the places.
- Yeah.
Street and I will try to find Buck's ex-wife Jenny, see if he reached out to her.
Luca, you sit on his house in case he comes home.
All right, be careful.
We think Buck is armed and he may be drinking.
That's a scary combination.
And keep your phones close.
Rocker and Becker's teams are up today, but we're on call in case anything else pops off in the city.
- Let's get it done.
- Okay.
Got your voice mail.
It sounded urgent.
Did Buck stop by here today? Yeah.
To resign from the company.
- When? - A few hours ago.
It was strange.
He apologized.
Said that he's been letting me and the company down, that he needed to resign and get out of our way.
Yeah, his work has been slipping, but I would've got him back on track, talked him out of quitting.
I tried.
But he insisted.
Did he say anything about what he was doing or where he was going? No, nothing.
Work aside, Buck's a friend.
Is he okay? Hondo, Jim.
Long time.
It's nice to see you, Jenny.
Did something happen to Buck? You say that like it wouldn't be a surprise.
Well, would it be? He's been drinking, a lot.
Avoiding us, not answering calls.
How bad is it, honestly? Jenny, we're worried that he might hurt himself.
Have you seen him lately? Did he reach out at all? He stopped by a couple of nights ago, but I wasn't home.
He left me a vinyl record: "Got to Give It Up" by Marvin Gaye.
Whenever we heard that song, he'd pull me up and we'd start dancing.
Bars, restaurants, down the middle of the ice cream aisle at the store.
That was a different Buck, though, different times.
He's just going through a rough patch right now.
You really don't know, do you? After Buck left SWAT, we tried to reconcile, save our marriage.
He'd always had his struggles, but it got worse after the Raymont Harris shooting.
Anxiety, depression, mood swings.
Sometimes he couldn't sleep at all unless he got blackout drunk.
You've heard of sleepwalking? Some nights, he'd try to arrest me in his sleep.
Accidentally bounced my head on the nightstand a couple times.
I couldn't stay around anymore.
I tried to get him to talk to somebody, get some help.
But he was too worried about how it would look, the great Buck Spivey seeming weak.
I still hate that sound.
Yeah, I can't say we're a big fan of it either right now.
Barricade with hostages.
Rocker and Becker can't respond.
We're up.
- Thanks.
- Hondo.
Call me if you find him, either way.
I will.
All right, Luca, I got unis out looking for him, a BOLO on his truck.
I'll let you and Hondo know as soon as I spot him.
Keep me updated on your end.
Alicia Baldwin.
Commander Robert Hicks.
Lawyer? I've been told you have a situation, so I'll cut to the chase.
I'm here to see Sergeant Daniel Harrelson.
Regarding what? I'm here on behalf of my client, who values anonymity and total privacy.
I've been instructed to only speak with Sergeant Harrelson.
Well, he's out on the job right now and he won't be back for quite some time.
Oh, I'll just wait for him here if you don't mind.
This isn't a Starbucks.
Even so.
Hey, you're first with metro on the scene.
Burrows.
So what's the situation? Looks like a robbery gone bad.
One armed suspect inside, about ten hostages, at least one wounded.
Unis didn't get a good look.
As soon as they arrived, suspect took a couple shots at them, barricaded the front, pulled the blinds.
- He make any demands? - Nothing coherent.
Guy's high as hell.
I'm guessing meth.
So unstable and unpredictable.
Hondo and Street just got here.
They're gearing up on the four side.
All right, let's get eyes inside, find our best entry, get these hostages out alive.
25-David to 20-David.
I got six hostages in a back room on the two side.
Suspect's got a wound to his left leg.
He's on the move.
I've got eyes now.
Suspect's in the dining area, the one side.
I count eight more hostages in the one-four corner of the dining room; that makes 14 total.
I see the wounded hostage.
Doesn't look good.
Then we need to move fast.
LAPD! Get on the ground now! Street, Chris, coming your way.
Don't move! - Give me your hands.
- Code 4.
Suspect in custody.
Heard from Hondo.
We're a Code 4 on the hibachi grill shooter.
- Friend of yours? - Hardly.
She couldn't have picked a worse possible day to show up, though.
I haven't had a spare moment to figure out what the hell she wants.
Well, I did some digging.
She's not just some ambulance chaser.
She's a power hitter.
She's a junior partner at Cordero-Lask.
Someone's paying her 800 bucks an hour just to sit on her ass? Something doesn't add up.
Then how about we check her math? So, what on earth could Cordero-Lask want with Metro SWAT? My business is strictly with Sergeant Harrelson.
But you know he isn't here.
Well, still, my client is insistent on resolving this matter quickly, so I'll wait.
I'm about two seconds from kicking you out of here.
Have I done something wrong? I'm here to speak with Sergeant Harrelson, not SWAT or the LAPD.
You go after one of my officers, you go after all of SWAT.
Alicia, is this super secret task of yours going to involve litigation for Sergeant Harrelson or SWAT? No.
This is a personal matter, one my client would prefer to keep out of the press.
Well, it would've been a lot easier if you just said that in the beginning.
We're still interviewing hostages, but already got bad news.
The restaurant shootout started as a botched robbery with two gunmen.
The other shooter fled before LAPD arrived.
So there's a second shooter still out there.
- Any I.
D.
? - None yet.
I got my guys reviewing security footage, running down leads.
I'll loop SWAT back in when we have anything.
Okay.
Tell me something good, Luca.
Think I got something here at Buck's place.
I just found some paperwork to a storage unit.
Got off the phone with the manager.
He said Buck's car is parked there right now.
- Where is it? - Near Downtown.
I just told Hondo.
Text the address.
We'll meet you there.
Buck's truck.
No Buck.
What's his storage unit number? Unit A308.
I see it.
Right here.
Tan, open it up.
He's got to be some place close.
All right, Luca, Tan, check the office.
See if the manager saw him go anywhere.
Go.
This receipt is from this morning.
You ever known Buck to drop $300 on a bottle before? No.
He never spent a penny over 15 bucks for a haircut.
Motor oil.
Fresh.
This is where he kept his Harley.
I never knew he rode one.
Uh, he didn't, really.
It was a collectible he liked working on.
'46 Knucklehead.
He was tinkering with that thing constantly.
Said it helped him de-stress.
So, he's drinking, driving a bike he's not used to riding.
If he crashes with some car, it's just gonna look like another drunk driving accident.
Let's go.
Losing a loved one is never easy.
Yeah, well, uh, I've had plenty of experience with that by now.
One way or another, people always leave.
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
I can deal with it.
- How? How do you deal with it? By putting it on a shelf.
Coming back to it later when I'm ready.
Mm, that sounds like Compartmentalization? Yeah, I, uh, I skimmed enough of the DSM to know it's a common coping strategy.
It comes with risks.
Do you know what happens when you don't deal with those issues and the mental boxes you put your feelings in start to overflow? According to the manual, anxiety, depression, addiction.
Or worse.
You could find yourself in Buck's shoes.
Buck always called me on my birthday.
Every year.
He never missed it.
My own mother, she forgot more than once.
Today was the first time I thought, "What's it gonna be like when I don't get that call ever again?" Commander, I need a word with you in private.
Not now.
My office.
- Who was that? - We'll deal with her later.
What's the latest on Buck? Buck dropped $300 on a bottle of scotch today, sir.
He didn't use cash.
We got to find him soon.
You want me to track his credit cards.
So we can locate him in case he makes another purchase.
It's not exactly by the book.
Well, throw out the book.
For Buck.
Did you ever work with a Sergeant Geremias out of Rampart? No.
I worked patrol with him way back.
Funniest guy to ever don the uniform.
He was always laughing and joking about something.
Nobody saw it coming.
Killed himself in his garage two years ago.
His wife found him.
It was his son's fifth birthday.
I've been to too many cops' funerals already.
I'll find a way to cut corners and track his credit cards.
You bring Buck home.
RHD just got a line on the second shooter from the restaurant robbery.
Rocker and Becker's squads are still tied up at the barricade at K-town.
20-Squad's got this.
All right, RHD identified the second shooter as Aaron Darby.
LKA is an apartment in Arleta.
Any relation to the dude Street and I pancaked earlier? Tweaker twins.
And they've got matching records for drug possession.
Bet the restaurant was a cash grab for their next big score.
Yeah.
We're gonna make sure this is their last score for a long time.
Hey.
I talked to Hicks.
We'll know the moment Buck uses his credit card.
For now, we stay focused on the job.
We keep it loose.
LAPD! - Give me a two! - Two! - Two! Two! - Two, two, two, two, two! - Clear! - Clear! Give me a two! Kitchen clear! This is 20-David to Command.
All clear.
No sign of Darby.
I got something.
Bullet holes.
Looks like the shots came from the other side of the wall.
There were no reports of shots fired.
May have happened a while ago.
Any record of a female occupant at this address? No, only Darby.
- What? - I.
D.
lists this address.
Just a different unit in the building.
Purse looks stolen.
Darby could still be hiding next door.
Let's move.
20-David to Command.
We got signs of forced entry.
Gunshots from the adjacent unit.
Suspect may be inside.
Making entry.
Clear! Closet clear.
Get out of here.
I'll call it in.
Victor.
Victor? What was it about that stuffed animal that caught your eye? It reminded me of a teddy bear that I got my niece a couple years ago.
Yeah, she loved that thing.
Called it her Rexy Bear.
And all I could do was picture my niece lying in that baby's place.
And think about how badly I wanted to kill the bastard who did that to that mom and kid.
It's completely normal to feel that way given what you witnessed today.
And we could tell by the way their bodies were that the mom died trying to protect her little girl.
My girlfriend Bonnie we talk about getting married, having kids.
But on days like this, I We see a lot of heinous crap.
And I can brush most of it off, but what we saw today, that's gonna stay with me.
Have you thought about exploring these feelings with Bonnie? I don't want to put that on her.
You know, it's not fair to dirty her up with the worst stuff I see on this job.
So how do you usually cope? On bad days, usually go to my gym after work.
Play pickup ball till I can't feel my legs.
I can't really explain it, but it works.
That's healthier than other options.
Do you want to talk about Buck? Not really.
I think I'll save that for the gym.
Just trying to get the blood off.
Last I checked, soap works better than steel.
Yeah.
All that for what? So, uh, some junkie can score some cash? We should've been in that house sooner.
Darby killed that family long before we even knew his name.
Nobody could've stopped it.
No one? Not even a neighbor? Or a coworker or-or a loved one or-or the friggin' mailman? Someone had to see or hear something.
Someone! We can't save everybody, Street.
Buck drilled that into me from day one.
I know.
Me, too.
How did we miss this? How did we miss how much he was hurting? He was too proud to show us any signs.
Was he? Or did we just not want to see it 'cause we don't want to deal with-with our stuff head-on? Straight out of the academy, we are taught not to wear our emotions on our sleeves.
The last thing you want is some bad guy to see fear in your eyes while you're on a beat.
That is how you become a target.
Over time, you just get really good at hiding everything.
Sometimes too good, I guess.
I just lost my brother.
I can't handle losing Buck now, too.
That is why we have to find him.
Sergeant Harrelson, need a minute of your time.
I don't have a minute.
No one around here seems to.
My client would like to make a donation on your behalf.
- A donation? - Mm-hmm.
- To who? - To SWAT, or to a charity of your choice.
Who is the client? I've been instructed not to say.
All right, you tell your client to soldier up and make the decision himself.
It's a one million dollar donation.
Okay.
What's this really about? I can't say, but I can guarantee that this gesture comes from the best of places.
Hey, Hondo? We got something.
Can I talk to you? I'm sorry.
I can't accept.
Not until I know who the client is and why they are allegedly willing to drop seven figures.
- Trevor, see her out.
- We just got a hit on Buck's credit card at a diner out in Castaic.
You got a number for the place? Yeah, just sent it to you.
All right, Deacon's the closest.
Get him the address, tell him to get there ASAP, - and I'll meet him as soon as I can.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Uh, Mr.
Spivey, there's a phone call for you.
What? That's, uh that's got to be a mistake.
No one knows I'm here.
He said it's important.
Okay.
Thanks.
Hello? Buck.
I'm so glad to hear your voice.
Hondo, what do you want? I'm just calling to check in on you.
Yeah, it's, uh, not a good time.
Listen.
Just stay right there.
And I'll come see you, and we can have that meal we've been trying to schedule.
Rain check, okay? I, uh, I got to go.
No, wait.
Buck, wait.
Buck are you thinking about killing yourself? Look, I never blamed you, Hondo, for anything.
I hope you know that.
No, Buck.
Buck! Thanks, Gia.
You're welcome.
I was just hoping we were wrong Buck was fine.
I didn't want it to be real.
But deep down, I suppose, I, uh I knew he was struggling.
Denial is easier than confrontation.
Confronting people is part of the job description.
Mine, too.
But this wasn't just anybody.
It was somebody you loved and respected.
I was afraid of damaging my relationship with Buck.
I thought he might hate me if I brought it up, and he'd think I was calling him weak.
I just don't get how he fell so far so fast.
I mean, what did I miss? The Raymont Harris shooting? His divorce? The chronic pain? Not being on SWAT anymore? And the loneliness.
No one moment can lead to self-harm.
It's a buildup of many issues over time.
Physical and emotional traumas.
Buck saw more than his fair share of trauma.
- That's for damn sure.
- You all do.
Look at what you and your team experienced today.
A one-year-old with a gunshot wound to her face, a mom trying to protect her, shot multiple times in the back.
I can't even think of anything more awful.
Traumatic incidents like that are part of the reason why cops have elevated rates of PTSD, depression And suicide.
I know we're more likely to kill ourselves than to die in the line of duty.
But how do we fix it? I wish I had a simple answer for that, but there just isn't one.
Deacon got to the diner within minutes, but there was no sign of Buck.
He must have left right after he hung up.
I don't know.
Maybe I screwed up by calling him.
He'd used his credit card.
He was already on his way out.
This way, he knows we're looking for him and we care.
Or it might make him go through with it faster.
These are the places Buck used his credit card in the last 24 hours: the diner in Castaic, a gas station in Stevenson Ranch and a liquor store in North Hollywood.
Okay, the storage spot was right here.
Looks like he got the booze, picked up his bike, filled his tank on the way to Castaic.
Hey, I just got off the phone with Jenny.
Castaic Diner was Buck's favorite breakfast spot.
I knew I recognized it.
They stopped there every time they went camping.
At Castaic Lake.
That's where Buck loves fishing.
Castaic's only, like, 15 miles from that diner.
You think that's where he's headed? Get the coordinates to Deac.
Street and I will meet him.
You got to be kidding.
A BOLO hit on Aaron Darby at his cousin's place in City Terrace.
Rocker and Becker's squads still in K-Town.
20-Squad's still up.
All right, grab whoever's available downstairs to fill up the squad.
- Let's go get this bastard.
- What about Buck? We just got to have faith that Deac's gonna find him.
- LAPD! - Go! Stay down! Where's Darby?! Get down! Chris, upstairs.
Move! LAPD! 24-David! Shots fired.
Suspect's outside, heading eastbound on foot.
25-David in pursuit! 26-David.
Suspect over the wall into the alley.
Lost visual.
Stay on him.
I'm on my way.
He jumped out in front of me.
Don't give me another reason to pull this trigger.
Give me your hands.
Deacon, what do you got? I found Buck.
I'm gonna engage.
I'll send you the coordinates now.
Be there as fast as we can.
How's it going, Buck? Had better days, Deac.
I hear that.
Me, too.
Something happen today that make you want to hurt yourself? That's close enough.
I remember you talking about this place.
It's beautiful.
It's a bit of a hike to get up here.
I know this routine, Deac.
Build an empathy, rapport, influence.
The Behavioral Change Stairway? I taught it to you.
Do you have a weapon? What do you think? I need to know why you want to kill yourself.
Well, because, Deac, eventually, a man just outlives his usefulness, and then there's just no point.
No point to what? To pretending anymore, Deac, just to any of it.
Buck, there's always a point.
I'm here.
Let's just let's just work this out together.
I've made up my mind, Deac.
You should go home to Annie and the kids.
This is happening, and I don't want you to see it.
Go home, Deac.
I know things are bad right now.
I know, and I-I just, I I think I can help you if you just talk to me.
Deac, I've been saying it for the last 30 minutes, man.
I'm done talking.
I'm just done talking, all right? Please just go.
Please just You called in the cavalry? - Stop! - Hey, hey.
If you're here to tell me that I'm making a big mistake, don't bother, all right? You're wasting your time.
Buck, you are worth our time.
No, I'm not worth your time.
I used to be.
You know, but now I'm just I'm a, I'm a shell of myself, guys.
I mean, come on.
You see it.
You brought us into 20-Squad.
And it was you that taught us you don't leave a man behind.
We're not gonna, we're not gonna start that today.
Oh, my 20-Squad's finished.
It's not me anymore.
Of course it is, Buck.
You're still one of us, man.
No, no, Hondo, I'm not one of you.
I'm not one of you guys anymore.
I was, I was barely keeping it together before I before I shot Raymont.
I lost, I lost my Jenny.
I lost SWAT.
I-I can't, I can't sleep.
My knees, my back, on fire.
Every day.
Everything just feels so just heavy.
I can't even count the nights that I just hope and I pray that the lights up here would just go out, you know, just so that the pain would just go away.
I'm tired, man.
I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of hoping and I'm sick of waiting for this.
There's ways of getting better, man, and you know that.
I don't, I don't care.
I don't care if there are, man.
I'm just I'm done.
I'm done, Hondo.
I know you're in a lot of pain.
And that's why you can't see how losing you is gonna hurt us.
You've been fine without me.
You'll be fine.
I won't.
Buck, if you didn't come into my life, I don't know where I'd be.
I-I d I don't even know if I'd be alive right now.
Buck, you are the closest thing I ever had to a father.
What about Lila and Matthew? What am I gonna tell them when they ask how their uncle died? What am I supposed to say? You think that's a conversation I want to have? So much of what we have achieved is because of you.
Don't do this to us.
Don't make us live in a world without you.
I'm sorry.
Oh, it's okay.
I've set Buck up with a colleague, Dr.
Kurt Derrian.
He's a former cop turned psychologist.
He'll get Buck and where he's coming from.
Sounds perfect.
Buck all set at home? Well, the team's gonna be staying with him in shifts, - keeping him company.
- Good.
It's a long road ahead, but we'll get him the help he needs.
Chris is first up for her psych debrief.
I'll see you for yours in about an hour.
Yes, you will.
Finally.
Othella Baker.
Wait a minute.
You're her client? I have to say, Sergeant, I have never in my life had so much trouble giving away a million dollars.
Okay, I am really confused.
What is going on here, exactly? I was convinced I was gonna die last week, when that gunman had me on the hotel rooftop.
Mm-hmm.
And then you saved me.
It was a team effort.
There was a lot of us out there chipping in.
But it was your hand that grabbed me, kept me from falling.
You know that corny saying, "Wake up and smell the roses"? Well, I do that now.
One big whiff every morning, and it makes my whole damn day.
I want to pay it forward.
You really don't have to do that.
I know, but I'm going to anyway.
Now, I just need the name of a worthy charity that you believe in.
What's up, guys? You missed all the fun.
There was three inches of water when I got here.
Baby, I had plenty of fun today myself.
Mmm.
Mmm.
How's Buck? He's all right.
For now.
Here, let me help you out.
It's gonna be about five grand to fix the water damage.
Five grand, huh? No idea how I'm gonna raise the funds for it.
Maybe a cook-off or something.
I do make a mean chili gumbo.
Would a half a million dollars do it? Oh, yeah.
I think that'll cover most of it.
Baby, I am so serious.
- About what? - Tomorrow, you are gonna get a check from an anonymous donor for $500,000 to this community center.
It's gonna allow you to do everything you've been talking about for these kids.
Are you for real right now? As real as a heart attack.
Uh, wait a minute.
Who's giving us this money? She made me promise I wouldn't tell anybody.
- "She"? - Okay, oops, I've already said too much.
You ain't getting nothing else out of me.
Okay.
You better not be playing with me here.
How the hell did this happen? A million-dollar donation is coming, courtesy of someone SWAT helped.
And half of it's going to the LAPD Suicide Prevention Fund.
And the other half is coming right here.
Oh, my God.
There was a time when I was lost, and Buck helped me get back on track.
You're doing the same thing for the kids who come through here.
You're giving 'em a sense of purpose, of belonging.
It's important.
I know.
Maybe what you're doing will make it easier for them than it is for some of us.
Oh.
Honestly, I'm not a big fan of debriefings.
People tend to come to me with their problems, not the other way around.
Who listens when you have a problem? My wife.
God.
Growing up Catholic, you, uh you learn to roll with the punches.
You don't complain.
So it's okay for others to unload their feelings but not you? Seems like a bit of a double standard.
Everything I say stays in this room? Of course.
Seeing Buck today terrified me.
The fear of losing someone you care about can be paralyzing.
No.
It terrified me, because, in that moment, I understood exactly where Buck was coming from.
I, uh I hit a low point last year.
There were money problems and family problems.
And I was working I was working my tail off.
I was exhausted all the time.
And, uh I just felt like I was failing everyone a-around me.
Like I was failing myself.
One day, I I looked at my gun.
I saw a way out.
I just thought it would be easier, it'd be better for everyone around me, somehow.
Do you still think about taking your life, David? No.
I don't.
Not once since then.
No.
And seeing Buck like that in that dark place made me realize how much I have to lose.
I admire the courage it took for you to tell me that.
Do you think You think maybe we can make this a a semi-regular thing? I'd like that.
W.
A.
T" 17-year-old Raymont Harris was accidentally shot by team leader Buck Spivey.
I spent my life serving this city, and I undid everything I had accomplished with a single mistake.
We're looking to launch a private security firm.
I've struggled a bunch since leaving SWAT.
I mean, this could be big for me.
All right, let's do this.
Where does Buck fit into all this? He can't be the name or face of this company.
You can.
Concert promoter's pissed.
He hasn't been able to reach Buck all day.
So what happens to Buck? Most times, I I work stuff out by talking to my family or friends.
I know they have my back.
And that keeps me grounded.
But today's the first time I felt like I really needed this.
Because of what happened.
Yeah.
That really sucked.
Maybe it'd be easier if we talk about it, from the beginning.
It started with Hondo.
We're sorry.
The voice mailbox you've reached is full.
Everything okay, babe? Yeah, a pipe burst overnight at the community center.
Got to get in and see how bad the damage is.
You got a sump pump you keep handy? Oh, I'm fresh out, boo.
I swear that place is gonna drive me to bankruptcy.
It's always something.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
What's up? I just can't get a hold of Buck.
Your old team leader? - Something wrong? - No one's seen him in a few days.
And Deacon mentioned something was off about him, and now he's not answering anybody's calls.
- Quick trip to Vegas maybe? - I don't know.
He's fell off the grid like this a couple times before when something was wrong, so I'm just gonna stop by his place and check in.
I think you should.
- Love you.
- Bye.
All right, Buck keeps a spare key around back.
That's what got me in the last time I was worried about him.
Buck? You home? Check the rooms and the garage.
Yeah.
No sign of him.
Car's gone, too.
Man, I know Buck likes to throw a few back, but this is it's a lot.
His phone's dead.
Found these in the bedroom.
Sleeping pills.
Rest of the rooms look like this one? Yeah.
Looks like the last couple of calls went to an Owen Bennett yesterday.
Yeah.
That's our business partner at the private security firm.
There's only one other call to a 1-800 number.
You have reached the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, also servicing the Veteran's Crisis Line.
If you are in emotional distress or suicidal crisis or are concerned about someone who might be, we're here to help.
- Please remain on the - How long was the call? It says one minute, which means it could've been less.
- He might've just called and hung up.
- Gun safe's empty, too.
Get a hold of the rest of 20-Squad.
We got to track Buck down now.
- How do you plan on doing that? - I'm not sure.
But I got a real bad feeling we don't have time to get it wrong.
Dad used to hate it our when Captain McClintock made him do these sessions.
- Why's that? - He thought they were B.
S.
That anyone who needed therapy wasn't fit to be a cop.
He used to tell me, "How can you trust somebody to have your back when they don't even have their own issues squared away?" I see hundreds of officers every year, Luca.
Do you feel that way about them? No.
I mean, I get why we do it now.
Especially after a day like today.
Well, Buck was old school like my pops.
He didn't like talking to the cop shrink, either.
Maybe it would've helped him.
Has what happened today given you second thoughts about getting back into the field? Nah, I can't wait to get back out there.
But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried.
Hmm.
I mean, what if I can't? I already failed one fitness test.
I thought it was because of my hip.
What if it's really up here, you know? That's not so easy to fix.
Is losing SWA something you're afraid of? For as long as SWAT's existed, there's always been a Luca on the team.
Without it I don't know who I am.
Maybe that's how Buck felt, too.
Hey, what's the word, Hondo? Buck's been AWOL for 48 hours and we think he might be having suicidal thoughts.
Put the word out with patrols, some of his old metro buddies.
They're gonna reach out if they locate him.
- Hopefully, it's not too late.
- What? What's that supposed to mean? Buck's not here and we don't know where he's headed.
Yeah, well, that's why we need to find him.
We will.
Buck will be fine.
One thing's for sure: we ain't gonna find Buck just standing around here, so let's plan this out.
All right, Chris and I can go talk to Owen.
Last two calls he made were to him.
Tan, I want you to check and see if Buck stopped at any of his favorite haunts around town.
- You know the places.
- Yeah.
Street and I will try to find Buck's ex-wife Jenny, see if he reached out to her.
Luca, you sit on his house in case he comes home.
All right, be careful.
We think Buck is armed and he may be drinking.
That's a scary combination.
And keep your phones close.
Rocker and Becker's teams are up today, but we're on call in case anything else pops off in the city.
- Let's get it done.
- Okay.
Got your voice mail.
It sounded urgent.
Did Buck stop by here today? Yeah.
To resign from the company.
- When? - A few hours ago.
It was strange.
He apologized.
Said that he's been letting me and the company down, that he needed to resign and get out of our way.
Yeah, his work has been slipping, but I would've got him back on track, talked him out of quitting.
I tried.
But he insisted.
Did he say anything about what he was doing or where he was going? No, nothing.
Work aside, Buck's a friend.
Is he okay? Hondo, Jim.
Long time.
It's nice to see you, Jenny.
Did something happen to Buck? You say that like it wouldn't be a surprise.
Well, would it be? He's been drinking, a lot.
Avoiding us, not answering calls.
How bad is it, honestly? Jenny, we're worried that he might hurt himself.
Have you seen him lately? Did he reach out at all? He stopped by a couple of nights ago, but I wasn't home.
He left me a vinyl record: "Got to Give It Up" by Marvin Gaye.
Whenever we heard that song, he'd pull me up and we'd start dancing.
Bars, restaurants, down the middle of the ice cream aisle at the store.
That was a different Buck, though, different times.
He's just going through a rough patch right now.
You really don't know, do you? After Buck left SWAT, we tried to reconcile, save our marriage.
He'd always had his struggles, but it got worse after the Raymont Harris shooting.
Anxiety, depression, mood swings.
Sometimes he couldn't sleep at all unless he got blackout drunk.
You've heard of sleepwalking? Some nights, he'd try to arrest me in his sleep.
Accidentally bounced my head on the nightstand a couple times.
I couldn't stay around anymore.
I tried to get him to talk to somebody, get some help.
But he was too worried about how it would look, the great Buck Spivey seeming weak.
I still hate that sound.
Yeah, I can't say we're a big fan of it either right now.
Barricade with hostages.
Rocker and Becker can't respond.
We're up.
- Thanks.
- Hondo.
Call me if you find him, either way.
I will.
All right, Luca, I got unis out looking for him, a BOLO on his truck.
I'll let you and Hondo know as soon as I spot him.
Keep me updated on your end.
Alicia Baldwin.
Commander Robert Hicks.
Lawyer? I've been told you have a situation, so I'll cut to the chase.
I'm here to see Sergeant Daniel Harrelson.
Regarding what? I'm here on behalf of my client, who values anonymity and total privacy.
I've been instructed to only speak with Sergeant Harrelson.
Well, he's out on the job right now and he won't be back for quite some time.
Oh, I'll just wait for him here if you don't mind.
This isn't a Starbucks.
Even so.
Hey, you're first with metro on the scene.
Burrows.
So what's the situation? Looks like a robbery gone bad.
One armed suspect inside, about ten hostages, at least one wounded.
Unis didn't get a good look.
As soon as they arrived, suspect took a couple shots at them, barricaded the front, pulled the blinds.
- He make any demands? - Nothing coherent.
Guy's high as hell.
I'm guessing meth.
So unstable and unpredictable.
Hondo and Street just got here.
They're gearing up on the four side.
All right, let's get eyes inside, find our best entry, get these hostages out alive.
25-David to 20-David.
I got six hostages in a back room on the two side.
Suspect's got a wound to his left leg.
He's on the move.
I've got eyes now.
Suspect's in the dining area, the one side.
I count eight more hostages in the one-four corner of the dining room; that makes 14 total.
I see the wounded hostage.
Doesn't look good.
Then we need to move fast.
LAPD! Get on the ground now! Street, Chris, coming your way.
Don't move! - Give me your hands.
- Code 4.
Suspect in custody.
Heard from Hondo.
We're a Code 4 on the hibachi grill shooter.
- Friend of yours? - Hardly.
She couldn't have picked a worse possible day to show up, though.
I haven't had a spare moment to figure out what the hell she wants.
Well, I did some digging.
She's not just some ambulance chaser.
She's a power hitter.
She's a junior partner at Cordero-Lask.
Someone's paying her 800 bucks an hour just to sit on her ass? Something doesn't add up.
Then how about we check her math? So, what on earth could Cordero-Lask want with Metro SWAT? My business is strictly with Sergeant Harrelson.
But you know he isn't here.
Well, still, my client is insistent on resolving this matter quickly, so I'll wait.
I'm about two seconds from kicking you out of here.
Have I done something wrong? I'm here to speak with Sergeant Harrelson, not SWAT or the LAPD.
You go after one of my officers, you go after all of SWAT.
Alicia, is this super secret task of yours going to involve litigation for Sergeant Harrelson or SWAT? No.
This is a personal matter, one my client would prefer to keep out of the press.
Well, it would've been a lot easier if you just said that in the beginning.
We're still interviewing hostages, but already got bad news.
The restaurant shootout started as a botched robbery with two gunmen.
The other shooter fled before LAPD arrived.
So there's a second shooter still out there.
- Any I.
D.
? - None yet.
I got my guys reviewing security footage, running down leads.
I'll loop SWAT back in when we have anything.
Okay.
Tell me something good, Luca.
Think I got something here at Buck's place.
I just found some paperwork to a storage unit.
Got off the phone with the manager.
He said Buck's car is parked there right now.
- Where is it? - Near Downtown.
I just told Hondo.
Text the address.
We'll meet you there.
Buck's truck.
No Buck.
What's his storage unit number? Unit A308.
I see it.
Right here.
Tan, open it up.
He's got to be some place close.
All right, Luca, Tan, check the office.
See if the manager saw him go anywhere.
Go.
This receipt is from this morning.
You ever known Buck to drop $300 on a bottle before? No.
He never spent a penny over 15 bucks for a haircut.
Motor oil.
Fresh.
This is where he kept his Harley.
I never knew he rode one.
Uh, he didn't, really.
It was a collectible he liked working on.
'46 Knucklehead.
He was tinkering with that thing constantly.
Said it helped him de-stress.
So, he's drinking, driving a bike he's not used to riding.
If he crashes with some car, it's just gonna look like another drunk driving accident.
Let's go.
Losing a loved one is never easy.
Yeah, well, uh, I've had plenty of experience with that by now.
One way or another, people always leave.
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
I can deal with it.
- How? How do you deal with it? By putting it on a shelf.
Coming back to it later when I'm ready.
Mm, that sounds like Compartmentalization? Yeah, I, uh, I skimmed enough of the DSM to know it's a common coping strategy.
It comes with risks.
Do you know what happens when you don't deal with those issues and the mental boxes you put your feelings in start to overflow? According to the manual, anxiety, depression, addiction.
Or worse.
You could find yourself in Buck's shoes.
Buck always called me on my birthday.
Every year.
He never missed it.
My own mother, she forgot more than once.
Today was the first time I thought, "What's it gonna be like when I don't get that call ever again?" Commander, I need a word with you in private.
Not now.
My office.
- Who was that? - We'll deal with her later.
What's the latest on Buck? Buck dropped $300 on a bottle of scotch today, sir.
He didn't use cash.
We got to find him soon.
You want me to track his credit cards.
So we can locate him in case he makes another purchase.
It's not exactly by the book.
Well, throw out the book.
For Buck.
Did you ever work with a Sergeant Geremias out of Rampart? No.
I worked patrol with him way back.
Funniest guy to ever don the uniform.
He was always laughing and joking about something.
Nobody saw it coming.
Killed himself in his garage two years ago.
His wife found him.
It was his son's fifth birthday.
I've been to too many cops' funerals already.
I'll find a way to cut corners and track his credit cards.
You bring Buck home.
RHD just got a line on the second shooter from the restaurant robbery.
Rocker and Becker's squads are still tied up at the barricade at K-town.
20-Squad's got this.
All right, RHD identified the second shooter as Aaron Darby.
LKA is an apartment in Arleta.
Any relation to the dude Street and I pancaked earlier? Tweaker twins.
And they've got matching records for drug possession.
Bet the restaurant was a cash grab for their next big score.
Yeah.
We're gonna make sure this is their last score for a long time.
Hey.
I talked to Hicks.
We'll know the moment Buck uses his credit card.
For now, we stay focused on the job.
We keep it loose.
LAPD! - Give me a two! - Two! - Two! Two! - Two, two, two, two, two! - Clear! - Clear! Give me a two! Kitchen clear! This is 20-David to Command.
All clear.
No sign of Darby.
I got something.
Bullet holes.
Looks like the shots came from the other side of the wall.
There were no reports of shots fired.
May have happened a while ago.
Any record of a female occupant at this address? No, only Darby.
- What? - I.
D.
lists this address.
Just a different unit in the building.
Purse looks stolen.
Darby could still be hiding next door.
Let's move.
20-David to Command.
We got signs of forced entry.
Gunshots from the adjacent unit.
Suspect may be inside.
Making entry.
Clear! Closet clear.
Get out of here.
I'll call it in.
Victor.
Victor? What was it about that stuffed animal that caught your eye? It reminded me of a teddy bear that I got my niece a couple years ago.
Yeah, she loved that thing.
Called it her Rexy Bear.
And all I could do was picture my niece lying in that baby's place.
And think about how badly I wanted to kill the bastard who did that to that mom and kid.
It's completely normal to feel that way given what you witnessed today.
And we could tell by the way their bodies were that the mom died trying to protect her little girl.
My girlfriend Bonnie we talk about getting married, having kids.
But on days like this, I We see a lot of heinous crap.
And I can brush most of it off, but what we saw today, that's gonna stay with me.
Have you thought about exploring these feelings with Bonnie? I don't want to put that on her.
You know, it's not fair to dirty her up with the worst stuff I see on this job.
So how do you usually cope? On bad days, usually go to my gym after work.
Play pickup ball till I can't feel my legs.
I can't really explain it, but it works.
That's healthier than other options.
Do you want to talk about Buck? Not really.
I think I'll save that for the gym.
Just trying to get the blood off.
Last I checked, soap works better than steel.
Yeah.
All that for what? So, uh, some junkie can score some cash? We should've been in that house sooner.
Darby killed that family long before we even knew his name.
Nobody could've stopped it.
No one? Not even a neighbor? Or a coworker or-or a loved one or-or the friggin' mailman? Someone had to see or hear something.
Someone! We can't save everybody, Street.
Buck drilled that into me from day one.
I know.
Me, too.
How did we miss this? How did we miss how much he was hurting? He was too proud to show us any signs.
Was he? Or did we just not want to see it 'cause we don't want to deal with-with our stuff head-on? Straight out of the academy, we are taught not to wear our emotions on our sleeves.
The last thing you want is some bad guy to see fear in your eyes while you're on a beat.
That is how you become a target.
Over time, you just get really good at hiding everything.
Sometimes too good, I guess.
I just lost my brother.
I can't handle losing Buck now, too.
That is why we have to find him.
Sergeant Harrelson, need a minute of your time.
I don't have a minute.
No one around here seems to.
My client would like to make a donation on your behalf.
- A donation? - Mm-hmm.
- To who? - To SWAT, or to a charity of your choice.
Who is the client? I've been instructed not to say.
All right, you tell your client to soldier up and make the decision himself.
It's a one million dollar donation.
Okay.
What's this really about? I can't say, but I can guarantee that this gesture comes from the best of places.
Hey, Hondo? We got something.
Can I talk to you? I'm sorry.
I can't accept.
Not until I know who the client is and why they are allegedly willing to drop seven figures.
- Trevor, see her out.
- We just got a hit on Buck's credit card at a diner out in Castaic.
You got a number for the place? Yeah, just sent it to you.
All right, Deacon's the closest.
Get him the address, tell him to get there ASAP, - and I'll meet him as soon as I can.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Uh, Mr.
Spivey, there's a phone call for you.
What? That's, uh that's got to be a mistake.
No one knows I'm here.
He said it's important.
Okay.
Thanks.
Hello? Buck.
I'm so glad to hear your voice.
Hondo, what do you want? I'm just calling to check in on you.
Yeah, it's, uh, not a good time.
Listen.
Just stay right there.
And I'll come see you, and we can have that meal we've been trying to schedule.
Rain check, okay? I, uh, I got to go.
No, wait.
Buck, wait.
Buck are you thinking about killing yourself? Look, I never blamed you, Hondo, for anything.
I hope you know that.
No, Buck.
Buck! Thanks, Gia.
You're welcome.
I was just hoping we were wrong Buck was fine.
I didn't want it to be real.
But deep down, I suppose, I, uh I knew he was struggling.
Denial is easier than confrontation.
Confronting people is part of the job description.
Mine, too.
But this wasn't just anybody.
It was somebody you loved and respected.
I was afraid of damaging my relationship with Buck.
I thought he might hate me if I brought it up, and he'd think I was calling him weak.
I just don't get how he fell so far so fast.
I mean, what did I miss? The Raymont Harris shooting? His divorce? The chronic pain? Not being on SWAT anymore? And the loneliness.
No one moment can lead to self-harm.
It's a buildup of many issues over time.
Physical and emotional traumas.
Buck saw more than his fair share of trauma.
- That's for damn sure.
- You all do.
Look at what you and your team experienced today.
A one-year-old with a gunshot wound to her face, a mom trying to protect her, shot multiple times in the back.
I can't even think of anything more awful.
Traumatic incidents like that are part of the reason why cops have elevated rates of PTSD, depression And suicide.
I know we're more likely to kill ourselves than to die in the line of duty.
But how do we fix it? I wish I had a simple answer for that, but there just isn't one.
Deacon got to the diner within minutes, but there was no sign of Buck.
He must have left right after he hung up.
I don't know.
Maybe I screwed up by calling him.
He'd used his credit card.
He was already on his way out.
This way, he knows we're looking for him and we care.
Or it might make him go through with it faster.
These are the places Buck used his credit card in the last 24 hours: the diner in Castaic, a gas station in Stevenson Ranch and a liquor store in North Hollywood.
Okay, the storage spot was right here.
Looks like he got the booze, picked up his bike, filled his tank on the way to Castaic.
Hey, I just got off the phone with Jenny.
Castaic Diner was Buck's favorite breakfast spot.
I knew I recognized it.
They stopped there every time they went camping.
At Castaic Lake.
That's where Buck loves fishing.
Castaic's only, like, 15 miles from that diner.
You think that's where he's headed? Get the coordinates to Deac.
Street and I will meet him.
You got to be kidding.
A BOLO hit on Aaron Darby at his cousin's place in City Terrace.
Rocker and Becker's squads still in K-Town.
20-Squad's still up.
All right, grab whoever's available downstairs to fill up the squad.
- Let's go get this bastard.
- What about Buck? We just got to have faith that Deac's gonna find him.
- LAPD! - Go! Stay down! Where's Darby?! Get down! Chris, upstairs.
Move! LAPD! 24-David! Shots fired.
Suspect's outside, heading eastbound on foot.
25-David in pursuit! 26-David.
Suspect over the wall into the alley.
Lost visual.
Stay on him.
I'm on my way.
He jumped out in front of me.
Don't give me another reason to pull this trigger.
Give me your hands.
Deacon, what do you got? I found Buck.
I'm gonna engage.
I'll send you the coordinates now.
Be there as fast as we can.
How's it going, Buck? Had better days, Deac.
I hear that.
Me, too.
Something happen today that make you want to hurt yourself? That's close enough.
I remember you talking about this place.
It's beautiful.
It's a bit of a hike to get up here.
I know this routine, Deac.
Build an empathy, rapport, influence.
The Behavioral Change Stairway? I taught it to you.
Do you have a weapon? What do you think? I need to know why you want to kill yourself.
Well, because, Deac, eventually, a man just outlives his usefulness, and then there's just no point.
No point to what? To pretending anymore, Deac, just to any of it.
Buck, there's always a point.
I'm here.
Let's just let's just work this out together.
I've made up my mind, Deac.
You should go home to Annie and the kids.
This is happening, and I don't want you to see it.
Go home, Deac.
I know things are bad right now.
I know, and I-I just, I I think I can help you if you just talk to me.
Deac, I've been saying it for the last 30 minutes, man.
I'm done talking.
I'm just done talking, all right? Please just go.
Please just You called in the cavalry? - Stop! - Hey, hey.
If you're here to tell me that I'm making a big mistake, don't bother, all right? You're wasting your time.
Buck, you are worth our time.
No, I'm not worth your time.
I used to be.
You know, but now I'm just I'm a, I'm a shell of myself, guys.
I mean, come on.
You see it.
You brought us into 20-Squad.
And it was you that taught us you don't leave a man behind.
We're not gonna, we're not gonna start that today.
Oh, my 20-Squad's finished.
It's not me anymore.
Of course it is, Buck.
You're still one of us, man.
No, no, Hondo, I'm not one of you.
I'm not one of you guys anymore.
I was, I was barely keeping it together before I before I shot Raymont.
I lost, I lost my Jenny.
I lost SWAT.
I-I can't, I can't sleep.
My knees, my back, on fire.
Every day.
Everything just feels so just heavy.
I can't even count the nights that I just hope and I pray that the lights up here would just go out, you know, just so that the pain would just go away.
I'm tired, man.
I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of hoping and I'm sick of waiting for this.
There's ways of getting better, man, and you know that.
I don't, I don't care.
I don't care if there are, man.
I'm just I'm done.
I'm done, Hondo.
I know you're in a lot of pain.
And that's why you can't see how losing you is gonna hurt us.
You've been fine without me.
You'll be fine.
I won't.
Buck, if you didn't come into my life, I don't know where I'd be.
I-I d I don't even know if I'd be alive right now.
Buck, you are the closest thing I ever had to a father.
What about Lila and Matthew? What am I gonna tell them when they ask how their uncle died? What am I supposed to say? You think that's a conversation I want to have? So much of what we have achieved is because of you.
Don't do this to us.
Don't make us live in a world without you.
I'm sorry.
Oh, it's okay.
I've set Buck up with a colleague, Dr.
Kurt Derrian.
He's a former cop turned psychologist.
He'll get Buck and where he's coming from.
Sounds perfect.
Buck all set at home? Well, the team's gonna be staying with him in shifts, - keeping him company.
- Good.
It's a long road ahead, but we'll get him the help he needs.
Chris is first up for her psych debrief.
I'll see you for yours in about an hour.
Yes, you will.
Finally.
Othella Baker.
Wait a minute.
You're her client? I have to say, Sergeant, I have never in my life had so much trouble giving away a million dollars.
Okay, I am really confused.
What is going on here, exactly? I was convinced I was gonna die last week, when that gunman had me on the hotel rooftop.
Mm-hmm.
And then you saved me.
It was a team effort.
There was a lot of us out there chipping in.
But it was your hand that grabbed me, kept me from falling.
You know that corny saying, "Wake up and smell the roses"? Well, I do that now.
One big whiff every morning, and it makes my whole damn day.
I want to pay it forward.
You really don't have to do that.
I know, but I'm going to anyway.
Now, I just need the name of a worthy charity that you believe in.
What's up, guys? You missed all the fun.
There was three inches of water when I got here.
Baby, I had plenty of fun today myself.
Mmm.
Mmm.
How's Buck? He's all right.
For now.
Here, let me help you out.
It's gonna be about five grand to fix the water damage.
Five grand, huh? No idea how I'm gonna raise the funds for it.
Maybe a cook-off or something.
I do make a mean chili gumbo.
Would a half a million dollars do it? Oh, yeah.
I think that'll cover most of it.
Baby, I am so serious.
- About what? - Tomorrow, you are gonna get a check from an anonymous donor for $500,000 to this community center.
It's gonna allow you to do everything you've been talking about for these kids.
Are you for real right now? As real as a heart attack.
Uh, wait a minute.
Who's giving us this money? She made me promise I wouldn't tell anybody.
- "She"? - Okay, oops, I've already said too much.
You ain't getting nothing else out of me.
Okay.
You better not be playing with me here.
How the hell did this happen? A million-dollar donation is coming, courtesy of someone SWAT helped.
And half of it's going to the LAPD Suicide Prevention Fund.
And the other half is coming right here.
Oh, my God.
There was a time when I was lost, and Buck helped me get back on track.
You're doing the same thing for the kids who come through here.
You're giving 'em a sense of purpose, of belonging.
It's important.
I know.
Maybe what you're doing will make it easier for them than it is for some of us.
Oh.
Honestly, I'm not a big fan of debriefings.
People tend to come to me with their problems, not the other way around.
Who listens when you have a problem? My wife.
God.
Growing up Catholic, you, uh you learn to roll with the punches.
You don't complain.
So it's okay for others to unload their feelings but not you? Seems like a bit of a double standard.
Everything I say stays in this room? Of course.
Seeing Buck today terrified me.
The fear of losing someone you care about can be paralyzing.
No.
It terrified me, because, in that moment, I understood exactly where Buck was coming from.
I, uh I hit a low point last year.
There were money problems and family problems.
And I was working I was working my tail off.
I was exhausted all the time.
And, uh I just felt like I was failing everyone a-around me.
Like I was failing myself.
One day, I I looked at my gun.
I saw a way out.
I just thought it would be easier, it'd be better for everyone around me, somehow.
Do you still think about taking your life, David? No.
I don't.
Not once since then.
No.
And seeing Buck like that in that dark place made me realize how much I have to lose.
I admire the courage it took for you to tell me that.
Do you think You think maybe we can make this a a semi-regular thing? I'd like that.