The Cleveland Show s03e18 Episode Script

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Johns Hopkins has a world-class medical program! Villanova is America's #1 tech school! Miami of Ohio has hardly any black people! Donna, can we please go now? Being in school at night is for janitors.
I know, Cleveland.
But Roberta is going to college in a couple of years and I'm worried about her future.
You know, we could save ourselves a bunch of time and just check out the safety schools.
Tufts good.
Come to school.
Major in fire.
Hey,"Don't Ask, Don't Tell," how's the wars goin'? Just kidding.
Thank you for your service.
Would your son or daughter be interested in a career in the armed forces? Ha! What are we, poor? You funny.
But seriously, thank you.
Hey, that's my alma mater, State! I take it you'll be attending our homecoming this weekend.
Homecoming's this weekend?! Oh, I am there! In spirit, but not actually.
I promised my wife I'd clean out the garage.
College night? I'm not going to college.
Rihanna didn't go.
Kim Kardashian didn't go.
"Hide your kids, hide your wife" didn't go and they're all doing just fine.
My parents is the same way.
They be all, "Yo, Gabriel, go to college like we did and become professors like we are" and Shabbat.
I'm like, "Blap dat.
" Yo, Ro, I wish I could kiss you right now.
Then why don't you? 'Cause your 'rents just landed.
Hello, Mrs.
Tubbs.
Papa Smurf.
I told him I'm Papa Smurf.
Kid's a moron.
Have a smurfy day! A'ight.
Roberta, you need to start thinking about college.
So, this weekend, you and I are going on a college tour.
What? I'm not doing that.
This weekend is QUAMMPF.
The Queercore Underground Afrobeat Microhouse Memphis Soul Post-Metal Folk Festival?! I don't think so.
got killed there last year, according to the CSI episode that was loosely based on it.
I'm more of a Columbo guy.
Hey, where's those criminals? Cleveland, go drink some water and lie down.
I don't need no water.
As for you, young lady, you most certainly are going on that tour with me.
No, I'm not! I'm going to QUAMMPF! "L"? There's never any "L"s.
The hell you are! I don't need a college tour! I'm not even going to college! "Love's Labor's Lost!" Cleveland, turn that off! Roberta says she's not going to college! Rihanna didn't go to college.
Kim Kardashian didn't go to college.
Cleveland, those girls have talent and/or pornography to fall back on.
What is Roberta gonna do? Well, if she learns about shoes, she could sell shoes People need shoes Shoes.
Well, Larry, thanks for running lines with me, but I blew the audition.
You'd think they'd never seen a naked 14-ye Larry? Larry? Larry? Where are you, Larry? Larry? Larry, where are you? Please, no.
Please, no.
What have you done to Larry, woman?! Oh, I finally washed that nasty thing.
It was all covered in dirt and sweat and drool.
And peanut butter and toothpaste and tears! That was all part of his essence, and you washed it away! I don't even know who you are anymore! On the bright side, at least you finally did some laundry.
I can't believe I can't go back for homecoming just 'cause I have to clean out the stinky old garage.
Look what's happened to my life.
It's all cleaning the garage and flushing the toilet, and then it's off to bed by a quarter to 10:00 because if I don't get nine hours, I can't walk or use my left arm.
Of course, I wake up a few times a night from my acid reflux.
Gus, some bread? What's happened to you?! My best days are behind me.
Not like when I was in college.
I was the B.
M.
O.
C.
: Big Mustache on Campus.
Here's that slice of bread you asked for, Cleve Hi The answer is four.
That is incorrect.
Don't care.
College! B.
M.
O.
C! B.
M.
O.
C! B.
M.
O.
C! B.
M.
O.
C! B.
M.
O.
C! My legs have gotten gross.
Too bad you can't just take Roberta on that college trip because then you could go to homecoming, and that sounds exactly like what you need to feel young again.
Lester, that's brilliant! Gus, a beer for Lester! No.
Donna, I'm taking Roberta on that college tour.
You better than I?! I mean it! Look, Roberta doesn't want to go to college because you're making it sound like it's full of nerds.
And when I went to college, we hated nerds.
Even made them start their own fraternity.
Now, I'm not gonna lie: they did get their revenge-- several times, once in paradise.
Nerds! But why would she listen to you and not me? Because teenage girls are subhuman parasites who must feast on their mothers' misery to survive.
True.
After this weekend, I guarantee she'll want to go to college.
You know, Cleveland, you're right.
I don't want to ruin college for her.
She's all yours.
Just make sure she goes to her admissions interview.
I promise.
Hey, Roberta! What?! I'm taking you on your college tour this weekend! The hell you are! I'm going to QUAMMPF.
So you can go yourself! If I could do that to myself, I wouldn't be going anywhere this weekend! Junior, what are you doing bumping around? It's "this o'clock.
" I can't sleep because Larry doesn't smell right.
He smells like Snuggles, the gay fabric softener bear.
Just 'cause I's clean don't mean I don't like it dirty.
Hmm! A'ight, Snuggle.
Man, look at yourself.
You're better than this, with a stuffed animal.
It's time you learn to sleep on your own.
Now get on that demoralized mattress and go to sleep.
I don't know if this is going to work.
Who will watch the door to make sure a black vampire doesn't come in? Why you gotta specify black, Junior? Look, I'm scared, okay? Shh-shh.
It's gonna be fine.
Rallo will watch over you.
Now, remember, Roberta's interview is at 8:00 tomorrow morning.
Donna, stop worrying.
This is going to be the best weekend of Roberta's young life.
Damn right it is.
Roberta, the first thing you need to know about college is on this tape.
Yeah One, two, princes kneel before you Roberta, give me that bread out the glove box! This is it, Roberta! College.
Mm.
Back on cam-pus.
Ooh, look.
There's a campus security officer.
He has no weapon and no legal authority.
You can do anything you want to him.
Watch.
Hey! Don't make me warn you.
How much you make a year, fake cop? $65,000.
Really? See this, Roberta? This is the College Grill.
We used to just call it "the Grill.
" We'd say, "Meet you at the Grill.
" Used to come in for grilled cheese at midnight.
Can you handle that? Do you still serve grilled cheeses here? No, the campus banned trans fats.
Really? Yo, Ro.
Wow, Cleveland, you've inspired me to explore the campus on my own.
So meet back here in a day and a half? Uh-uh, nooo! I promised your mother I would make you want to go to college and get you to that interview.
Now, let's check out my old fraternity! Yay! Brew bros! So, I've decided to kill myself.
Is that why you didn't buy any food? Kappa Alpha Kappa.
Ah, the KAK house.
Where my KAKs at?! Cleveland Brown, class of '92, Keg Return Chair, gettin' your deposits back, y'all! The B.
M.
O.
C.
is back! Dude, get a load of this lose-bag.
Yeah, let's mess with that scum-hog.
College slang! Wow, you're the Cleveland Brown? In pers.
We hoped you'd come this weekend! I'm Brad.
That's Murphy, and this is Fart.
Awesome.
You showed up just in time.
We're just about to choose this year's coolest alum, or "Plum Alum.
" And if you win, you'll get your name engraved on the wall of fame where the most legendary KAKs are immortalized forever.
The Wall of Fame?! Wow! What do I need to do to win? You'll compete against other alums in a series of events: beer pong, keg stands, keg sits, keg squats, beer pound Easy! I could be the Plum Alum! Roberta, you could see me as Plum Alum.
I got Plum Alum in me, right? You do! You've got to go for it, even if it takes several hours and you completely forget about me.
I'll just be sitting right here on this gross couch.
'Sup? Dude, I was this close to sealing the deal.
Ba-blap, ba-blap.
Ba-blap, ba-blap.
QUAMMPF.
QUAMMPF.
QUAMMPF.
QUAMMPF.
Finally, we can get our QUAMMPFs on.
Gabriel? Professor and Professor Friedman.
You convinced Gabriel to come on the college tour? I bet you Rebecca Goldman couldn't have done that.
Maybe we are better off with this one.
Your parents teach here at State? Why didn't you tell me? I can't keep track of where everybody's professin'.
Come on.
We'll give you the grand tour.
Well, let's get this party started! First stop: an introductory linguistics seminar-izzle.
Eh, Gabriel? Is that one? Yeah, that's one.
Brush 'em till they bleed Swallow down the blood Use some Listerine Oh, yeah, I should brush my teeth, too.
Well, good night.
My first night flying solo.
Who's sleeping all by himself? Who's a big boy? I am.
I'm a dangerously big boy.
Thanks for being there for me, Rallo.
Hey, you don't need that jive-ass leopard when you got me.
What the? Junior's room? Ah, fool kidnapped me from my own bed.
Oh, my God, I'm the new Larry! Junior, wake up! Wake up! I thought I'd have to fall a lot further before I became a fat man's toy.
Yeah! Yoga! Yoga! Yoga! Looks like we have a winner! Plum Alum! Plum Alum! I'm fine to drive.
Thanks for the tour, Mr.
and Mrs.
Professor Friedman.
We better get started on all this homework you've given us, even though we don't know who to turn it in to.
Eh, rip it up when you're done.
It's just busywork to keep your ding-dong in your pants.
Well, we better hurry home.
It's sundown somewhere.
To the Blapmobile! I did it! Wait.
Why am I on a donkey? Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you this year's Dumb Alum Plum Alum.
No, Dumb Alum.
You dirty double crossers! Roberta! Help me! Cleveland Brown, everybody.
An ass tied to an ass.
Ass to ass! Ass to ass! No! It's never good when I hear that chant.
Ass to ass! Ass to ass! Ass to ass! This is QUAMMPF? This is no better than QUEEMPF.
The all-female QUAMMPF? Hey, those are the guys from Cleveland's frat house.
What are y'all doing here? It's QUAMMPF.
Every college kid has to go to every event ever.
Where's Cleveland? Nah, we duct-taped him to a donkey, then sent him off into the woods.
at sounds dangerous.
Is he all right? Calm down, pelvic bone.
He'll be fine.
Yeah, so why don't you send Malibu's Most Wanted here back to high school and party with us tonight? I don't think so.
I'm going to go find Cleveland.
Maybe he's in your shirt.
How about I take a look? Keep your hizzles off my tizzles! Oh! Stay down, Fed.
I was going to.
Where is he? North end of the woods, just off campus! You'll be sorry! I'm a prince! Come on, Junior.
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Breakfast.
Breakfast? Finally.
Morning, sunshine! Another great night of sleep without Larry the Leopard.
Yeah, 'cause I was Larry! You grabbed me out of my bed while I slept! I was feeling a little lonely.
Wait a minute.
What are these pajamas? Oh, those are Larry's.
Thought you'd look cute.
And I was right! Well, that explains the tail hole.
But you can't just replace Larry with me! Rallo, I really don't need your permission.
What? You weigh 30 pounds, and me-- I'm a behemoth.
I'll just throw you over my shoulder.
Well, I'll sneak away.
I'll come get you again.
I'll tell Mom! I've got my own problems! Cleveland! Cleveland! This weekend's been a disaster.
Let's never set foot on a college campus again.
Well, I don't know.
That art history lecture your parents took us to was pretty cool.
Oh, wow.
Brain freeze.
You actually thinking about going to college? Well, maybe.
Cleveland! Are you okay? Roberta, I have taken this beast as my bride.
Her name is Susan.
We are Democrats.
All right, we found him.
Let's go home.
No way.
I got to get to my interview.
What?! Why?! Listen, Federline.
I get good grades, and I haven't even told my mom this yet, but I was in the 98th percentile for the PSATs.
You aced the prostate exam, too? How comes you never told me you were smart? Because I don't want to go around telling the whole world I'm a genius like James Franco.
And I guess I do want to go to college.
Now, let's get to that interview.
You ain't never going to get there by 8:00 a.
m.
, Ro.
This smells very bad.
We're gonna make it.
Yah! Ah! Branches! Thorns! Sedimentary rocks! Geology minor.
I'm Roberta Tubbs.
And I am here, on time, for my interview.
Hi.
Mama, if you need me, I'll be staying at the Holiday Inn.
Smart.
Get those midweek rates.
Wait, is this about you and Junior? You don't understand what it's like to have a sweaty fat guy smother you all night long.
Oh, I do, but I don't get to go to the Holiday Inn.
We don't run from our problems in this family.
We trick people.
I'm listening.
Bing-bong.
I'll get it.
Well, what have we here? A leopard.
If that's Larry, tell him I moved on.
It's not.
Look.
The poor thing only has one eye.
Well, who is it? There's a note.
"I had to go because I don't smell right anymore.
"Please take care of my one-eyed son, "who likes to be held when he sleeps.
Love, Larry the Leopard.
" I guess I could look after him, even though I have zero years of stuffed leopard caretaking experience.
I'll just stick him in front of the TV with a bowl of chocolate milk.
No! Leopards can't metabolize chocolate.
And at his age, he should watch no more than a half-hour of TV a day! Well, in that case, maybe I'll just drown him.
Larry the Leopard Junior, no! Oh, wow, we're both Juniors.
I'll keep you safe.
Let me tell you some stories about your dad.
He was a great friend before he lost his stink.
But that won't happen to you.
I'm gonna stink you up real good.
Any day he doesn't snap and kill us all is a victory.
I just got off the phone with the admissions officer.
They loved you! Well, yeah.
I told them about my passion for higher education, which I discovered on the trip.
Mm? And they were impressed by my ability to care for my mentally incapacitated stepfather.
Mm? So, does this mean you might want to go to State? State?! That Podunk school?! Where I'm going is gonna cost way more than that.
Really?