The Exes (2011) s03e18 Episode Script

So, Eden, big plans tonight? Not really, just three clubs and a couple loft parties.
Well, that sounds like fun.
[Clears throat.]
Well, my shift is over.
Guess I'll just go home and wallow in the emptiness of being a divorced woman with nothing to do.
Nothing.
Sounds like a plan.
See ya.
Oh, come on! I'm hinting my ass off here.
Take me with you.
Nicki, I would take you with me, but the people I hang with party pretty hard.
I may have been married for 18 years, but believe me, I can still get jiggy with it.
Well, whatever that is, I'm sure you were great at it, um, but you wouldn't make it past the first jager bomb.
Oh, so you think you can out-party me? Maybe I should bring a BabyBJORN so I can carry you home.
All right, lightweight, it's on.
Oh, it's on like donkey Kong.
That's something that people used to say back in Let's just go.
Let's just go.
- What - No, no, let's go.
Haskell? - Haskell! - What? You still have the hots for Nicki? She put you in the friend zone, man.
Come on, move on.
You're right.
But sometimes I feel like I'm never gonna meet someone Yeah, yeah, yeah, hold that thought.
Look at that slab o' man.
Mmm, mommy like.
But how am I gonna hit on him? It's so crowded.
What am I gonna do? This calls for "the wedge.
" Yes, wedge me.
Excuse me, pardon me, sorry, excuse me.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- Sorry about the foot.
Excuse me, pardon me, thank you.
Excuse me, thank you.
Excuse me, pardon me, thank you.
Oh, look a little space just for little old me.
It's very crowded here.
Nothing wrong with a crowd if it's filled with the right people.
Yeah, okay.
I'm Holly.
Holly Franklin.
Matt.
Matt Brickhouse.
What does Matt Brickhouse do? I'm a pilot.
- So you're - Captain Matt Brickhouse.
Now you're just messing with me.
How about you and I grab a table? If those are the instructions from the tower.
I, uh I saw what you did.
You wedged me.
Well played.
Well, thank you.
But to cut through your larger crowds you need to pull out your big guns.
A hacking cough and a wet sneeze got me a high five with the pope.
[Chuckles.]
You know, Holly, I'm glad I caught the JFK run tonight.
I love this city.
And may I say, it's pretty hot for you.
So you don't live here, huh? No, but I get back a lot.
My brother lives here.
He's, uh, talking to your friend who wedged me.
Oh.
Well, he won't find a more fun guy than Haskell.
He must be.
I haven't seen Sam smile like that since he broke up with his boyfriend.
[Laughter.]
The Exes - S03E18 When Haskell Met Sammy Yes, miss Williams, he was a wonderful man.
We'll all miss him.
God bless you too.
Oh, no.
Phil, what happened? My old high school coach passed.
Man, I'm sorry.
Uh, thanks.
Coach meant a lot to me.
He really changed my life.
Mm, got you off the mean streets of New York, huh? Mean streets? No, I'm from Long Island.
Okay.
I'm sorry, I was making, just assumptions based on tired cliches.
Don't sweat it.
He wasn't just my coach, - sometimes he was like my dad.
- Mmhmm.
'Cause you grew up with a single mom? No, my parents have been married for 40 years.
That's ri I I knew you know what, I'm gonna shut up now.
That's okay.
- When's the funeral? - Thursday.
They asked me to speak.
Well, that's quite an honor.
Well, it would be if I was going, but I'm not.
Wh What? What are you talking about? He meant so much to you.
How could you not go? Because I hate funerals.
When I was eight, I went to my grandfather's and something bad happened.
I mean, really bad.
Mm, drive-by? What the hell is wrong with you, man? No, not a drive-by! When they were rolling out his casket it fell off the Dolly and the lid popped open and he flopped out of that thing like a boneless chicken.
It was like Ooh, oh, oh! Mm.
Ugh.
Yeah.
- Horrible.
- Exactly.
That's why that was my first and last funeral.
Okay, Phil, hang on.
Don't let that stop you.
Come on.
This man was an important part of your life.
You owe it to him to go.
- Maybe you're right.
- I'll tell you what.
I'll even go with you for moral support.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Well, you know, it would mean a lot to his family and it would be great to see the guys from the team again.
The golf team? No, basketball.
I just didn't wanna be wrong again.
Of course it's basketball.
[Chuckles.]
Why "of course"? I'm gonna go to my room.
So, Haskell, what is your situation? Are you married? Single? Oh, I was married, but I'm not the first guy to make that mistake, if you know what I'm saying.
Yeah, well, the important thing is is that you know who you are now.
That's right.
Available and ready for a little action.
[Giggles.]
Aw, you know, Holly, you are a hell of a woman.
Oh.
I would love to take you to dinner tomorrow night.
- Great.
- But I can't.
Huh? It just wouldn't feel right, leaving Sam all alone.
Huh.
You know what? Maybe I don't have to.
How about the four of us double? Haskell and your brother? Sounds great.
Hey, guys? Matt and I were wondering if maybe the four of us could grab dinner tomorrow night.
Ah, I'm in.
Haskell? It's a date.
What the hell happened last night? Aaaah! Eden? Eden, wake wake up.
Wake up.
Huh? [Grumbles.]
What are you wearing? [Laughs.]
You look ridiculous.
What the hell did we do last night? Well, either we enlisted, or we slept with sailors.
This is all your fault.
- My fault? - Yes! I thought we were gonna go to some trendy club and have a few drinks, not take on the seventh fleet! So we entertained the troops.
We're like the U.
S.
O.
More like the U.
S.
Ho.
[Phone chimes.]
Wait a sec, I'm getting a text.
It's from a guy named Mel.
[Laughs.]
You slept with a Mel? Maybe you slept with a Mel.
Maybe we both did.
Ew, we had a menage a Mel! "We have your clothes.
We need ours back.
" See? He said "we.
" There were two of them.
Happy now? Yes, yes.
We gave it up to two sailors.
What a relief.
I'd like to make a toast.
- Aw.
- All right.
To new friends Chance encounters and wherever they may lead.
Bottoms up! Haskell, this lemongrass crab cake is amazing.
You have to have a taste.
I'll try anything once.
Open wide.
Okay.
Mmm.
Matt, I'd love a taste of your ravioli.
Go for it.
Oh, Haskell, you have a smidge of sauce right here.
- Right here? - No, no, no, no.
Here, silly.
No.
There.
All gone.
Boop.
- Holly? - Huh? - Can I have a word with you? - Sure.
Excuse us for just a moment.
Yeah? I don't meant to judge someone based on outdated cultural stereotypes, but that is one gay dude.
Why, because he booped? Everybody boops.
Boop.
Oh, come on! Now don't mess with me! You set me up just to be with some guy.
He's not just some guy.
Look at him, he's built like a Matt Brickhouse.
Look, Sam is a good guy and I refuse to be a tease.
This ends now.
All right, look, let me just get a little head start with Captain Matt, okay? All right.
Look who's back.
I was gonna send out a search party.
That's, um I'm Oh! Thank you.
Uh, look, um, Sam, I think you and I should have a little chat.
Matt, let's leave these guys alone, hmm? What about my ravioli? We'll take it to go.
Haskell, that was brilliant getting rid of them.
Now it's just the two of us.
Uh, look, I'm really glad that we met.
- I mean, you are a terrific guy.
- Me? Haskell, I've never met anyone like you.
You're smart, you make me laugh, you have the most beautifully twisted take on the world, but the one thing that I just don't understand is how can somebody as amazing as you not be taken? You have everything.
Well, I wouldn't You wanna split a mousse? Oh, no.
Coach is in there.
Coach is right in there.
Death is in the house! - Calm down.
- I'm trying.
How come your pills haven't kicked in yet? - What pills? - Well, when you weren't looking I went into your medicine cabinet and took some valium.
One, shame on you, and two, I don't have any valium.
Of course you do, it was in a vial marked "V.
" - "V"? - Yeah.
[Gasps.]
No.
"V" isn't for valium.
It's for Viagra.
What the hell do you need Viagra for? Towards the end of my marriage, Lorna and I had some issues.
It w okay, you know what? I don't have to explain this to you.
What am I gonna do? - Well, I can't believe you took one.
- I didn't.
I took two.
- Two? - Yeah.
- Two would work on coach.
- What am I gonna do? Well, just stay calm, okay? They only work if you're sexually stimulated.
So whatever you do, just don't think about Oh, Phil, we were hoping you'd be here.
The whole cheerleading squad's here.
What? [Chuckles.]
You haven't changed a bit.
You are still a hottie.
Well, you know, I do what I do.
[Horrified laugh.]
Stuart, I have a situation.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
What am I gonna do with this? Why are you asking me? I don't know.
What am I Just, look.
Here.
We just have to get you seated, okay? Here.
Just walk behind me and stay close.
Ugh, too close.
Too close.
[Microwave beeps.]
[Hums.]
What are you doing? Oh, I'm heating up my Jimmy Dean croissant sandwich.
It's a quick and delicious breakfast for busy people on the go.
Yeah, well, since when are you busy or on the go? Oh, these are for you.
The delivery man left them at my door by mistake.
Oh, it's from Sam.
"To the man who puts a smile on my face.
" He is so thoughtful.
Yeah.
That's great.
You know what I got from Matt? A text.
"It was fub.
" I guess I got the good brother.
Oh, yeah, and what's up with that? Whatever happened to "this ends now"? I was going to, but nobody's made me feel this good about myself in a long time.
I mean, he loves my stories, he laughs at my jokes.
After dinner we went to a bar.
He wouldn't let me pay for a thing.
He gets me.
Haskell, you can't keep deceiving the guy.
I mean, it's not fair to you or him.
You're living a lie.
What are you saying? I'm saying you need to come out as a straight man.
Now we're going to hear from someone who held a very special place in coach's heart.
Phil Chase.
Stuart, I can't go up there like this.
You're gonna have to deliver the speech for me.
- What? Me no, me? - Yeah.
I haven't rehearsed it.
I'm not familiar with the text.
Just take the speech.
Okay, okay.
Hello.
Ladies and gentlemen, my friend Phil is so overcome with emotion that he can't speak and he asked me to deliver his eulogy for him, so "Hi, I'm Phil Chase and I see a lot of my brothers and sisters in the house, so I'm gonna keep it real.
Coach was chill, but he could also be tough.
I remember him once hollerin' at us, 'yo, if nobody wanna put the work in, don't be blaming me if you look like a bunch of damn fools.
' coach helped me realize my worth and made me the proud black man you see before you today.
" Okay, all right.
Okay.
Stuart, you know what, I'll take it from here.
Thank you though.
You sure? I was crushing it.
Sit down, homie.
How's everybody doing? You know, uh I wasn't gonna come tonight.
I hate funerals.
I-I hate 'em.
But I had to be there for coach 'cause he was always there for me.
After college, I wasn't sure if I was good enough to go pro, so I went to see coach.
And he said, uh, "ain't gonna happen.
But sports is in your blood, so try to stay in it.
" And I did.
I became a sports agent.
And every day I try to inspire young athletes like he inspired me.
Coach may be gone, but he'll never be forgotten.
Everything I am is because of that man right there.
[All gasping.]
Oh! [Chuckles.]
Ah, Sam, what a great idea.
I haven't been to a rodeo since I was a kid.
I knew you'd like.
Well, who doesn't like seeing a clown bounced around in a barrel by a bul [Laughs.]
How great did those cowboys look in chaps? - Why don't we sit? - That's a good idea.
You know, the, uh the last two days have been great.
I know.
I can't remember having so much fun.
- You are a terrific guy.
- [Laughs.]
Right back at you.
You're charming, you're funny.
You're everything I look for in a man.
Look, I'm just gonna come out and say it I'm getting back with my boyfriend.
Huh? He called and we talked and we we both realized that we we just weren't ready to end it yet.
And exactly when were you gonna tell me? I was trying to find the right moment all night.
It I thought we had something special.
Now I feel like such a fool.
Please, Haskell, I this isn't easy for me either.
It's all I can do to keep from ripping off your clothes.
Well, that's not gonna happen now, is it? Maybe I should go.
Haskell, I I hope you find someone really great.
You deserve it.
Uh, Sam, before you go, there's probably something I should tell you.
What's that? I hope things work out with you and your guy.
I know how hard it is to find someone.
So long, Haskell.
Sam.
So long.
Boop.
[Laughter.]
[Sighs.]
What is keeping Mel and his buddy? I just wanna give 'em back their uniforms and forget this ever happened.
No, no, no, you are looking at this all wrong, okay? From everything I can piece together, we got pretty "jiggy" last night.
We did, didn't we? Oh, yes.
Think of this as your bachelorette party for your new life.
You're right.
You know, who knows? Maybe Mel is a hottie.
Ooh, yeah.
Hello, ladies.
- Who are you? - I'm Mel.
I couldn't have been that drunk.
Uh, Mel, could you please explain to us why you happen to have our clothes? I went out for a smoke and found you two blotto and soaking wet outside the theater.
- What theater? - Where I work.
I'm the wardrobe mistress for South pacific.
The musical? So those are just costumes? Yeah, you were a mess.
So I gave you clean clothes, stuck you in a cab, and sent you on your merry way.
That's it? That was my crazy night? I got the dry heaves outside of South pacific? Yeah, well, next time, do it outside Jersey boys.
- Hi.
- Hey, Haskell.
Did you tell Sam you were straight? Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Well I never got the chance.
Turns out he's going back with his boyfriend.
I'm sorry, Haskell.
But at least now you know that there's someone out there who appreciates you.
Well, thanks.
I don't mean to be picky, but I hope that the next one has lady parts.
So how are things going with Captain Brickhouse? Well, he stopped by for a quickie on his way to the airport, but then I thought of you guys and what you had and I thought, "I want that.
I deserve romance, someone who appreciates me.
" So after the quickie I kicked him to the curb.
There you go.
All right, Phil, drinks are on me tonight.
I gotta say I'm proud of you.
That eulogy was the bomb, yo.
Stuart.
I love you, man, but you gotta stop right now.
You got it, bro.
Hey, Phil, I heard about your coach and I'm really sorry.
No problem, man.
What is going on?! I'm driving men wild!