The Great North (2021) s03e18 Episode Script

1
- Look up there ♪
- What do you see? ♪
Nature and stuff ♪
- Like a rock ♪
- And a tree ♪
Oh, the Great North ♪
Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
Catch some fish ♪
Or gaze at a bear ♪
Wow ♪
Oh, the Great North ♪
Here we live, oh, oh ♪
Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
From longest night
to longest day ♪
In the Great North. ♪
All right, the coast is clear.
No sign of D-A-D,
which is G-O-O-D.
Because as we all know,
T-O-M-O-R-R
- All right.
- Ugh, enough.
Okay, okay.
Ex-nay on the elling-spay.
So, omorrow-tay
No. No pig Latin, either.
Talk like a normal human man.
Can I do an accent?
The only accents you do
are old British lady and Mario.
It's-a me, the Queen-io.
Is it weird if
I give my husband a wedgie?
- Not at all.
- Jeez, fine.
Okay, tomorrow
is Dad's birthday.
Now, we're just gonna
do what we do
for Dad's birthday every year.
Keep it small and simple
because he freakin' hates
celebrating his birthday.
Yeah, we don't want him
to run away like that year
when he thought
we got him balloons.
We'll take Dad
to Maude's for dinner,
give him his handmade card,
and then return home
to eat the cake
that Ham made him.
It's his favorite:
a square one, no decorations.
And we'll give him one
luxurious yet practical gift:
a heated toilet seat.
Simple and routine.
That's a Beef Tobin
hot buns birthday dream.
Boy, I wish
he'd let us celebrate.
Can you imagine
if he let us really go for it?
Take him to Cancun
on a party bus?
Sure, it'd be weeks and weeks
of driving,
and constant togetherness
in a cramped space.
- Ah.
- But
Oh, no but,
that's what I'd love about it!
Well, I am adding one festive
touch to Dad's card this year.
I, Dame L'Judy Stench,
found the perfect scented
glitter at the art store.
Birthday cake scented glitter?
We've done it.
Humanity has peaked.
Someone tell all the scientists
to stop working.
It's over. Tell them.
And just a reminder:
it's best not to even mention
Dad's birthday.
- Just leave him alone all day, then Ahh!
- Ahh!
Ahh! Oh.
Good morning, everyone.
Breakfast is ready.
I was looking
for some more syrup.
Um, why is everyone meeting
in the panic room?
Is there a panic I'm unaware of?
Oh, no, Dad. No panic.
We were just meeting
in here to, uh
check out these shelves.
Mm-hmm. Sturdy!
- Yes, doggie.
- What's behind here?
Uh, brackets? Incredible.
Oh, boy, yeah. I could
stare at these all day.
I'm a real shelf-hound.
Okay! All done now.
Out, out, out, out, out,
out, out, out, out, out!
Hmm.
Birthday cake scented glitter?
Secret meeting
in the panic room?
Yesterday, Honeybee was revising
her "Ultimate Playlist?"
And Moon asked me if I thought
banners were still cool?
Oh, God. This could
only mean one thing
But no, the kids would
never throw me a
surprise party.
Surprise, Dad!
Oh, a party for me?
Dad, you're nude.
And you're on the toilet.
And now you have to sing.
Sing on the toilet now.
Mine eyes have seen the glory
of the coming of the lord ♪
He hath loosed the fateful lightning ♪
With his terrible
swift sword ♪
- He has trampled down ♪
Dad?
- Huh? What?
- Uh you okay?
You were just staring into space
singing "Battle Hymn
of the Republic."
Uh, just, um
Just practicing
for Armistice Day, Son.
You can never be
too well rehearsed.
Aw. No one told me
I had to have a song ready
to sing on Armistice Day.
Good thing I caught you.
You know, I feel like
Ke$ha's "Die Young"
might surprise
and challenge an audience.
Oh, no. Gigantic birthday cake?
Oh, oh!
Oh It's okay, Santiago.
Go ask for another one.
You're a man now.
Birthday balloons?
Londra, no.
All right, let's go cheer
some kids up at the hospital.
- Lot of beer, huh?
- Yup. Got a big night coming up.
So much beer.
The guest list must be huge.
Mondays are my beer night.
Tuesdays, too.
I'll be back tomorrow.
Birthday supplies? Ugh.
It's like every single person
in town
is planning to celebrate me.
How depressing.
Lone Moose Police Department.
Go for Chief Edna. Over.
- Hey, sis. Over.
- Hey, Elba.
Did Mom call you about
her sock thief, too? Over.
Yeah, but it turns out
it was just stuck
to the top of the dryer again.
I'm actually calling because
I'm coming into town tomorrow
transporting a prisoner
and I'm bringing
a cheese and charcuterie plate
for us to enjoy desk-side.
Over.
Copy and received, and excited
to cheese. Over and out.
You got Chief Edna.
Really?
Pete the Val-U-Buy Cashier?
Another successful trip
to the vitamin store.
I can't wait to cram
these into my B-hole.
- That's what I call my mouth when I take my B-12s.
- Whoa.
Is Pete the cashier
getting arrested?
Looks like he was
grilling outside.
Wow, you think you know someone.
Wait, wait, wait. It's
not illegal to grill outside.
Actually, my Normally-Right Norma,
cashier Pete is violating our
local Attractive Nuisance law.
Attractive nuisance?
What's that?
Like when Jeff Goldblum
started playing
his jazz piano everywhere?
It means you can't do stuff
that attracts bears.
Uh-huh. There's lots
of stuff you can do
in the lower 48,
but not here, H-Bee.
For instance, it's illegal to
drop a moose from an airplane.
So don't even think about it.
Thank you, Moon.
Always good to have a reminder.
It's also illegal to whisper
in someone's ear
during a moose hunt.
And you know what?
There's probably gonna be a lot
of people getting themselves
locked up for that one tomorrow.
Oh, right, moose hunting season
starts at midnight.
It's easy to remember
that because
it always starts
on Dad's birthday.
Oh, no!
Which is a day. Tomorrow.
Who cares? The end.
All right, well,
the kids are throwing me
a surprise party tomorrow.
Maybe I could live under
the house for a week or so.
I've done it before.
Or I could burn the house down.
No. That's a terrible idea.
What if they're not
even throwing it here?
I guess I should
just resign myself to my fate.
Sing! Sing! Sing!
Give my regards to Broadway ♪
Remember me
to Herald Square ♪
Ah! There's got to be a way
to avoid this altogether.
Hmm.
The moose hunt
starts tomorrow.
And this guy
is whispering me an idea.
By God, I shouldn't.
I couldn't.
I must.
Morning, Beef.
Surprised to see you out here,
didn't think you were
much of a hunter.
Hello, Game Warden Burt.
- What'd you say there, Beef?
- I said hello.
You're gonna have to bring up
your volume.
Is something wrong?
Dammit, Tobin. Whispering
during a moose hunt is illegal.
And creepy.
I'm stepping away now.
But Burt, hold on, I
Beef. Stop. Stop following me.
Still whispering.
Ah! Gah! That's it!
Well, sorry, Beef.
You're in for 24 hours.
Oh, it's okay, Edna.
No hard feelings.
It's my party
and I'll be in jail
if I want to.
Attention Chief Edna.
Chief Elba with an update.
- Copy. Go for Edna.
- I'm on my way with the prisoner.
A little late because I swung by
the Death Cliff Dairy Queen
to see if the S'mores Shake
was in season yet.
It's not, so I'm in
a bit of a low spot.
Aw. She'll be back, hon.
Sounds like we're getting
another roommate, Beef.
Fun. This must be how it felt
to be one of the friends
on TV's Friends.
Phoebe will probably
stop by any minute
to tell us she's pregnant
with her brother's baby.
Wow, you're in
a pretty good mood
for someone who's in jail, Beef.
It could always be worse, Edna.
I could be dead, or at a party.
Dad? Dad. It's okay now.
- We're here. We're here, Poppa.
- Dad, are you all right?
I'm okay. Look at this
nice bench they let you sit on.
How'd you, um
know where I was?
Game Warden Burt
called the house.
All right, Edna,
let's talk turkey.
What's his bail?
A million dollars?
We don't do bail
for this kind of thing, Moon.
But I do have to hold him
for 24 hours.
That's the law.
Dad, you look at me!
Let me see those beautiful eyes.
I swear on everything
that is holy,
on Paul Newman's smile itself,
that I will get you out of here.
Oh, uh, don't worry, Son,
I'm perfectly fine in here.
Oh, come on, Dad.
It's your birthday.
- Ham!
- Well, it is.
And he's already in jail, Judy,
his birthday can't hurt him now.
Dad, we can't let you spend
your ding-dang birthday alone
in some hellhole
surrounded by filth
and the bottom-feeders
of society.
- Hey!
- Sorry, Pete.
I respect you when
you're a cashier at Val-U-Buy,
but right now
you are a bottom-feeder.
- Okay.
- Edna, what's to say
if I was to accidentally
drop this here
five dollars on the ground?
Oops. Clumsy me.
Maybe while you're picking up
that free five dollars,
the jail cell
mysteriously opens up.
Crazy, how'd that happen?
Oh, well, who cares?
Not us. Bye.
Wolf, it's against the law
to bribe a police officer.
Oh, okay, I get it.
You don't want the money,
you want the honey.
Uh, babe, avert your eyes,
I'm only doing this for Dad.
Wolf, don't
Oh, too late, here he goes.
- Is this what you want?!
- No.
Then take it! Just take it!
Darg nobbit, this stinks!
This is even worse
than the year we let Dad
go to bed without celebrating.
For months after that birthday,
I had a recurring nightmare
that Dad started aging backwards
and turned into a Dad baby.
I'm not ready
to take care of a baby.
I want to start my career.
A birthday is special.
You don't get to see
that many of them.
It's like seeing a four-leaf
clover or a shooting star.
Or like that Saturday afternoon
when Crispin stopped
by wearing a bolo tie.
Oh, the way that scorpion
in amber glistened
in the setting sun was
magical.
Time stood still.
It had its moment.
And doesn't Dad deserve
as much as Crispin's bolo tie?
Ugh, if only
we had the power to change
that dang-dumb-ding-dong law.
That's it. I'm a genius.
I'm so glad you asked.
The process of changing a law
is a long and arduous
but fascinating journey.
- Shall we begin?
- Uh-oh.
Allow me to introduce you
to my friend, Billy New Law.
Bill, this is the Tobins.
I hear you're curious
about how I came to be.
- Well, it wasn't the stork.
- Oh, no.
Now, I began as an idea
in a state senator
or congressperson's head.
And then when I've been
voted on and passed
by the Alaskan House
of Representatives,
up I go on the stairs
of democracy
to the Alaskan Senate.
I thought I loved live theater,
but I'm realizing now
that I hate live theater.
Aw. Look at
those little legs go!
All right, lunch time, bad boys.
Ooh, curly fries.
I've actually never tried them.
You've never had curly fries?
Nope. Getting something
else off my "Nevers List."
Okay, I'll bite.
What else is on there?
Never rented a car.
Never seen an R-rated movie.
- Never had sex. Never
- Wait a minute.
You've never had sex?
- Like at all?
- Nope.
But I'm only 37.
Well, you're gonna love it,
but a word of advice:
If you own a bedframe
from Brayden's Discount Beds
and Stoves,
check your rivets first.
Those things
are not built to last.
Thanks for the tip. Mmm.
These are delicious.
Well, I sprung
for the curly fries
because it's Beef's birthday.
There was no need.
Hate to celebrate
your birthday, huh?
- Maybe.
- And you whispered to Burt
so you'd get
locked up on purpose
to avoid celebrating it?
Ugh. How did you know?
I'm very familiar
with the criminal mind, Tobin.
The dark nooks and corners
that would make
other people sick.
You don't like being the center
of attention, is that it?
Correct. Nailed it.
Where's my baby sister
police chief?
Uh, where's my
big sister police chief?
Oh, boy, what's that smell?
You guys keeping pigs in here?
That voice. It can't be.
Cousin Danica?
Surprise. Hello, Beef.
What'd you get locked up for?
Looking like a big Woody
from Toy Story who also sucks?
Yes, Danica, that's what
I'm in jail for. Correct.
All right, well, let's hit up
that charcut.
So, you two know each other?
Yes. She's my cousin
who also who once
held my whole family hostage.
It's probably not safe
to have her in here with us!
Sorry, Beef, but your cousin's
got a court date tomorrow
for robbing the Lone Moose
Loan and Trust last year.
And this is the only cell
we've got.
Well, hello there.
My name is Peter.
Well, hello there, Peter.
What, you don't
have any insults for Pete?
Oh, Peter here? Whom I have
just met? No. I do not.
However, I will tell you
that your face
looks like the volleyball
from Castaway.
Still happy you went
to jail for your birthday, Beef?
Yep, yep, I'm fine. Very happy.
Well, that did not work.
I guess our father
will be in jail forever.
The dreaded day has arrived
when I have to contemplate
how to kiss myself good night.
There's only one option left:
a full-scale military-style
assault on the jail.
Or what if we try
an idea based on
one of my favorite shows,
Prison Break?
If we can't break
your dad out of jail, maybe
we can break ourselves in.
- Did it hurt?
- What?
When you fell from heaven
with that perfect idea?
All right,
so you want to break
some Alaskan laws
and get into jail?
How about
a straightforward blackmail?
I happen to know that Vera's
house has three too many gables.
We're thinking more like
silly Alaskan laws, Roy.
We don't want to get
in real trouble.
Ah. Understood.
It just so happens I spent
my last vacation making
a very fun, very thorough
Excel spreadsheet of
obscure Alaskan regulations.
Let me just grab my laptop.
Oh, and we'll call the cops
and let 'em know what's up.
I'll disguise my voice.
It's-a me, Criminolio!
Okay, crime spree,
Lone Moose, today.
Got it. Oh, uh, yes, you do
sound very Italian, Wolf.
I-I mean, anonymous tipster.
I just got an "anonymous"
tip that a major crime spree
is about to hit Lone Moose.
Roger that, sis.
I got this place on lockdown.
All right, gang,
looks like it's just
Ooh, charcuter-me.
Got to hit
the little cop's room.
For some reason,
those five cups of coffee
and that whole block
of cheese are just not
sitting right in my stomach.
All right, lover,
while that cop drops a deuce,
we're breaking loose.
Oh, no. Pete?
You're working with her?
Yep. And sorry to drag you
into this, Beef.
But hey,
maybe you'll have a good time.
All right, here's a fun
one to get us started.
It's illegal to give alcohol
to most forms of wildlife,
so all you need to do
is find a moose
that's looking to cut loose.
Let me see your hands!
You leave him out of this!
It's me you want! Not him!
I'm not gonna
arrest the moose.
He's a good boy!
He's a good boy.
And ooh, you could get
busted for occupying
a travel trailer
while it's being towed.
Yoo-hoo!
- Pull over immediately.
- You'll never take us alive!
I'm just kidding,
pulling over now.
And, believe it or not,
it is a crime to build a snowman
taller than yourself
on school property.
You don't want to do this, son.
Think about your family.
That's exactly what I am doing.
No!
Hey!
How did everyone's crimes go?
- Hello, Chief.
- Ah! Moon?
I figured I'd turn myself in.
I think you'll find
that slingshot right there
is unlicensed as hell.
Hey, Dad.
Party patrol is here, whoop-whoop!
- What the? Dad's gone!
- Oh, no.
While I was peeing,
they were fleeing.
Okay, okay, I was pooing, but,
you know, that doesn't rhyme,
so you could see why
I didn't go with that version.
Wow, Dad broke out of jail
so he wouldn't have
to celebrate his birthday?
Deranged. That's fully deranged.
We got to find him.
Uh, I've got
some bad news, guys.
I think that Danica escaped
and took your dad with her.
Wait, Danica?
Like Cousin Danica?
Yup, I brought her down here
to stand trial
for a local bank robbery.
- But how'd she get out?
- Huh.
Ooh, I know that "huh."
You're putting
the pieces together, eh, sis?
Yeah, using the dark uh
entrails of the criminal mind
to make the uh
one bigger entrail
She must've had an accomplice
who was already on the inside.
And we all know
Beef didn't want to get out.
So it must've been Pete.
He could've brought
anything into the cell.
I didn't search him,
'cause, you know, he's Pete.
- Oh, yeah. - Right.
- No, no, I understand.
He's not the smartest
coconut on the bush.
So, he helped Danica break out.
But why? Cousin Danica is awful.
Don't you see? Pete must be
her late-night snack pack.
Her cabana cub. Her boyfriend.
Aw, yay for Pete.
What? I just want
to see him happy.
So you two are actually
involved?
Oh, yeah, big time.
I mean, not the sex part yet,
but that's gonna happen
very soon, I think.
- Right, honey?
- Uh, yeah, right, the sex part.
Uh, later. After the robbing.
I'll be, uh very horny.
Normally, I don't like
that kind of language,
but I'm just so
sexual right now,
I just can't control
myself around you.
Music to my ears.
Okay, here's how
this is gonna go down.
Pete, you keep Beef hostage
near the door with the grenade.
Oh, boy, I wish you'd brought
a gun like I said.
Sorry, this was all I could
steal from my grandpa.
And I'll just put my finger
in my pocket like this, I guess.
I had a real gun last time
so I'm pretty sure
they'll believe me.
You know, you could've just
left me in the cell.
And let you rat us out
to the cops? I don't think so.
Besides, I hate you
and this is fun for me.
I, uh, think they're gonna
figure this out. No offense.
- Shut it!
- You keep talking to me.
- You do, sweetie.
- Peter!
I didn't bring you along
to point things out.
Apologies, my experienced lover.
All right. Let's go!
Okay, everyone on the floor, this
is a robbery.
Yes, that's it,
put the money in that bag.
And you, giant ears, you go
get the rest out of the vault.
Pete, I'm not judging
because I haven't had the best
taste in women, historically,
but what do you see in her?
Stay down! So I don't have
to shoot you
and so I don't have
to see your face.
Well, I've written
a lot of female inmates
and she's the only one
that wrote me back.
So I guess I see that in her.
Please, I have a family.
Ugh, with those teeth?
Must be a real
freak show at home.
Plus, as I said, I am a virgin.
And, you know,
Danica might not be perfect,
but I'm 37. And this whole
virgin thing isn't
gonna be cute anymore
once I turn 37 and a half.
So you've never had
another opportunity to
you know waka waka?
Well, there is
this one lady, Wanda.
She works at the seafood
counter at Val-U-Buy.
Ack-ack-ack-ack
Quiet down, Peter.
Your nasally voice is
giving everyone a headache.
So, me and Wanda,
we sort of had a thing.
And she really liked me. But
then when the moment arrived,
and she said,
"I like you a lot, Pete.
And I would like
to make love with you"
I clammed right up.
Because you didn't like
the attention?
Oh, no, I just thought
Wanda was so great
and I, well, I don't think
I felt like I deserved it.
I guess I just didn't want
to get my hopes up
with someone that really
liked me. And that I liked.
Huh. You and I might have
more in common
than just extremely unhealthy
relationships with Danica.
Oh, you also a virgin?
I have four biological children.
- So, no.
- Right, right.
I meant I, uh,
I got myself arrested
'cause I thought my kids were
throwing me a surprise party
and I thought I just didn't want
to be the center of attention.
But I'm realizing that
when it comes to my birthday,
I also feel I
I don't deserve it.
When I was a kid,
I liked my birthday
and I hoped people
would celebrate it.
But they never did celebrate it.
My parents, I mean.
So, somewhere along the line,
I resolved myself
never to get
my birthday hopes up again.
And so, every year, I don't let
anyone celebrate me
'cause I figure if I never
get my hopes up, they'll
well, they'll never get crushed.
Oh, my God, Wanda!
I got to
Beef, I got to go to her.
And I got to get to my kids.
It's my freakin' birthday.
Hey! What are you two
doing over there?
No crying!
This is a bank robbery!
Here. I'm going to Wanda.
To make love!
- Give me the bag.
- Don't give her the money!
That's just her finger
in her pocket!
No, it isn't. Uh
Bang! Bang!
- Uh-oh. Oh, dang.
- Get her, sis!
- Ow.
- Oh. Oh.
- That was easy. Oh, hey, Beef.
- Hi, there.
- Mind, uh, setting down the grenade?
- Oh, uh, yup, no problem.
- Dad, we're so glad you're okay.
- Me, too.
And kids, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but
I had a great talk with Pete
while we were robbing a bank,
and I realized that I
never let you celebrate me
because the little Beef in me
Ooh, not a good way to say that.
Sorry, the-the small Beef,
deep inside me.
Also that.
That was actually worse.
Oh, my God, fine.
My my inner child
is afraid I don't deserve
to be celebrated.
Because in the past,
I've been let down.
On my birthday.
Which I actually love.
But about which I
didn't want to get my hopes up.
Dad, that's not okay.
You got to get
your friggin' hopes up!
And of course
you deserve to be celebrated.
You know what's in that present?
It's a heated toilet seat.
For your big disgusting butt.
And you deserve it.
That is both an obscene luxury,
and very thoughtful.
And now, children, I am ready
for my surprise party!
Let us not keep the guests
waiting any longer!
Take me there!
Uh your what? To what?
Uh, the surprise party
you all planned?
Dad, we would never
throw you a surprise party.
But what about the birthday
cake glitter I found?
And Honeybee updated
her "Ultimate Playlist."
And Moon, you asked me if I
thought banners were still cool.
I mean, everyone was acting
so strangely around me
in town the last few days.
Dad, that glitter
was for your card.
And a playlist doesn't stay
ultimate if you don't update it.
I was genuinely wondering
how you feel
about banners these days.
Well, I still like them
very much.
Almost as much as flags.
Now, Dad, what would
you think about after Maude's,
we hop on a party bus to Cancun?
This party bus, does it need a driver?
Because you know
one thing I enjoy doing
is driving long, boring
distances on very little sleep.
Oh, yeah, the wheel's
all yours, birthday boy.
Bustling city streets,
new Internet posts ♪
The sun's rise and fall
on the coasts ♪
Things on this blue marble
just keep going ♪
On and on, never slowing ♪
But there was one Saturday
when the world stopped ♪
When Crispin put on
that bolo tie ♪
And said, "Oh, this pops!" ♪
In that moment,
all stood still ♪
And we all felt
an extraordinary thrill ♪
In unison,
a "wow" escaped our lips ♪
- Wow!
- We're different than we were before ♪
Since we saw that bolo tie
that Crispin ♪
Got at the thrift store. ♪