The Muppet Show (1976) s03e18 Episode Script
Leslie Uggams
Leslie Uggams? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Uggams.
Thank you, Scooter.
Um, it is true that Big Bird from Sesame Street is on the show tonight, right? Well, that's right, Leslie.
Well, would you tell him that his younger brother is in my dressing room? It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest stars, Leslie Uggams and Big Bird of Sesame Street.
Yay! # It's time to play the music # It's time to light the lights # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup # It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started # Its time to get things started # On the most sensational, Inspirational # Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show # Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And welcome again to The Muppet Show.
And we've got some show for you tonight.
Because our special guest is the lovely singer, dancer and actress, Miss Leslie Uggams.
And also, making a special appearance tonight is a friend of mine from Sesame Street, Big Bird and Oh, hey, Kermit.
Now? Huh, now? Uh, not yet, Big Bird.
You come on a little later in the show.
Oh, OK.
I'll just wait back here then.
Yeah, yeah.
Just watch out for the overhead lights.
Uh, anyhow, now ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest, Miss Leslie Uggams! # Hey there, good times here I am # Welcome back your baby lamb # Open wide them golden doors # And set my chair down next to yours # I've been freezin', sneezin' # Out there where the bad times blow # Please don't stop to scold me # Let your lovin' arms enfold me # Hey there, good times take my hand # Give my music to the band # Dust off that old welcome mat # And show me where to hang my hat # I've been lost for all these years # Cryin' buckets full of tears # Though I'm used and bruised and muddy # Clap my back and call me buddy # Bye bye bad times # Pack your gear # I've had bad times # Up to here # Hey there glad times # Please appear # Show me that I'm not forgotten # Oil me down and spoil me rotten # So long bum days # Gotta split # Gloomy glum days # Go on, get # Sugarplum days # Shake my mitt # Shout hurray and hallelujah # Happy days I'm comin' to ya # So long bum days # Gotta split # Gloomy glum days # Go on, get # Sugarplum days # Shake my mitt # Shout hooray and hallelujah # Baby's back and runnin' to ya # Bye bye bad times # So long sad times # Hey there good times # Here I am # Well, that number shows what a great actress Leslie Uggams is.
Actress? She wasn't acting, she was singing.
Yes, but she looked like she enjoyed it.
That's acting.
OK, nice number.
- Ow! Ow! Oh, very good, Leslie.
- Thank you.
OK, who stepped on your toe? - What? Who stepped on your toe? Well, I did! Kermit, if you need me, I'll be in Camilla's dressing room.
Oh, Camilla.
Camilla the chicken? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I'm so nervous.
Tonight's our first formal date and I'm almost sick with fear.
Well, I imagine she feels much the same.
Oh, you think so? Oh, boy.
Suppose I get so excited that I faint? Gonzo, I don't know.
I suppose she'll have to give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
She'll have to what?! Or in your case, mouth-to-beak resuscitation.
Gonzo, are you OK? Of course, I was just rehearsing my faint.
I hope Camilla's been rehearsing hers.
It's me.
Camilla, my apricot, these are for you.
Oh, oh, gosh.
I think the room is spinning.
I may faint.
How was that? Camilla? Camilla? Camilla, aren't you going to kiss me? Oh, great.
Just my luck.
A chicken with hay fever.
Well, look now, Camilla, Camilla, why don't I take you out for some fresh air? OK? That will make it all better.
Dr.
Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.
Well, jeepers, you're about to witness the world's first demonstration of fireproof paper.
Here is my assistant Beaker, carrying a lighted blowtorch.
He will now show you how impossible it is to ignite the fireproof paper in this basket.
There is no way this paper can burn.
With Muppets' fireproof paper, you will always feel secure.
Tune in next time, and witness Muppet Labs new answer to the energy crisis, flammable water.
That's all for now, from Muppet Labs.
Oh, dear.
What do you suppose they call that? A novelty act? I don't know, but it wasn't too bad.
Well, that's a novelty.
# La la Holy maracas! Oh, hi.
I'm Big Bird.
Huh.
No kiddin'? I'm a friend of Kermit's.
- Oh.
Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood, Sesame Street.
Oh, isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets? Uh-huh.
Well, who are you? Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
Oh.
Well, do you work around here? Uh, listen, yellow thing, uh, do you see this star here? Oh, yes.
It's very pretty.
And, uh, do you know why it is there? Well, uh - Hmm? Hmm? Perfect attendance? I am the singing star of this show.
A singing pig?! That's very funny.
Kiss your feathers goodbye, Bird.
Hi-yah Oh! You do acrobatics, too.
She's very versatile.
Oh, Leslie, it's really a pleasure to have you on the show with us.
Well, thank you, Lew.
And it's a thrill for me to work with a boomerang-fish thrower.
Well, I should think so.
Listen, Lew, what does it take to become a great boomerang-fish thrower? Well, you gotta have sole.
And if you can't get sole, use halibut.
I should have guessed.
But in that case, I use a catcher's mitt.
Why? No, no, don't tell me.
Let me guess.
Uh, just for the halibut? See, you're catching on.
Listen, how did you acquire this talent? Was it an accident? No, it was on porpoise.
I give him the straight lines and he gives me the fish lines.
Yeah.
You know, I started this act using kippers.
My brother and I did the act together, but we split up.
Why? - Am I my brother's kipper? I gotta quit this and sing my song.
Oh, great idea.
I'll accompany you on this.
Well, Lew, I was kind of expecting violins.
Well, what the heck? - Yeah.
# Here you come again # Lookin' better than a body has a right to # And shakin' me up so that all I really know # Is here you come again # And here I go Two at once.
- All right.
Fascinating.
I love this.
Whoo! Fun, fun, fun! Like this.
# All you gotta do is smile that smile # And there go all my defenses # Just leave it up to you and in a little while # You're messin' up my mind # And fillin' up my senses # Here you come again Oh, this is fabulous.
- Swordfish this time.
# Lookin' better than a body has a right to # And shakin' me up so that all I really know # Is here you come again # And here I go # And here I go # Ahh! Ma! That reminds me.
This show has always reminded me of a sardine.
Why? It's a little fishy.
# Mad about the frog # I know it's stupid to be mad about the frog # I'm so ashamed of it # But must admit the sleepless nights # I've had about the frog # On the silver screen # He melts my foolish heart in every little scene # Although I'm quite aware that here and there # Are traces of the cad about the frog # Lord knows I'm not a fool girl # I really shouldn't care # Lord knows I'm not a schoolgirl # In the flurry of her first affair # Will it ever cloy? # This odd diversity of misery and joy # I'm feeling quite insane and young again # And all because I'm mad about the frog # Will it ever cloy # This odd diversity of misery and joy # I'm feeling quite insane and young again # And all because # I'm mad about the frog # And now, Bear On Patrol.
All right, come on! You just come with me, you you Sir, Sergeant, I have just picked up In a minute, Patrol Bear.
I have to finish this report.
Oh, drat, I made a mistake.
Now, I'll have to start all over again.
But sir, can't that report wait? No, this is a very serious charge.
What is it? - Littering.
Sir, this also is a very serious charge.
Oh, yeah? What's the charge? Impersonating an officer.
Can you prove it? Of course I can prove it, Sergeant.
Go ahead, do your stuff.
OK, impersonating an officer.
Ahh.
Of course I can prove it, Sergeant.
Go ahead, do your stuff.
Ahh.
Hey, that's not bad.
- Thank you.
Yep, now look, Sergeant, this is a very dangerous criminal.
He should be locked up.
I think he should be locked up.
Here are the keys.
I'll finish up the report.
I'm going to lock him up.
Yep, I should've known better than to try to fool with you, Patrol Bear.
Yeah, you're darn tootin'! After you.
- Thank you.
Listen, tell me what kind of food you like and I'll Uh, see you later, Sarge.
Right.
Sergeant, wait a minute! He locked me in! Not bad.
You sound more like him all the time.
Now try to do me.
Oh! Sergeant, you don't understand! He got away! No, that's not me.
You still sound like that dumb bear that brought you in here.
Try it again.
I have a deep, authoritative voice.
Sergeant, will you just turn around, please?! Better, but keep trying.
You need more macho.
Tell me, Gonzo, what is it about Camilla that first attracted you to her? Are you kidding? Everything.
She's beautiful, witty, charming, delightful company, a good cook and she's very talented.
Really? What does she do? Camilla! Arriba! Cha cha cha! Oh, wow! - Yeah.
Well, I would've thought that was impossible! What, to get a chicken to dance? No, to find tap shoes for claws.
Hello, I am Vend-A-Wish.
Deposit a coin and I will answer any wish you may have.
Thank you.
Now, please state your wish and I will grant it.
Oh, I wish I was taller.
Taller.
- Yeah.
Next.
Camilla, I have written a song for you.
Sinatra or Mick Jagger will probably wanna record it.
But I want you to hear it from me first.
# You alone You are my one and only chicken # Steady # And if you leave I will alone and lonely sicken # Ready # You and I # We're a team and that's a fact # You and I # What a terrific idea for an act Oh, listen to the rhymes in the chorus.
It's very Cole Porter-y.
# Camilla # You're sweeter than wine or vanilla, Camilla # Come lie beneath this tree It's a willa # Camilla # Camilla # The night it grows stilla and stilla # Camilla # You're prettier by far than Godzilla # Camilla # Who are you? Huh? Me? Wow! Perfection incarnate! Wow! Statuesque, and yet still poultry in every sense.
You have that one thing lacking in chickens.
Bulk.
I'm so confused.
You are so huge! Well, I have no idea what you're talking about, sir.
I was just looking for Miss Uggams.
And you found me.
Lady luck has smiled and showered us with that certain thing Flower pot.
Oh, please, Dr.
Honeydew, I can't go through life with this long neck.
Never fear, at Muppet Labs we have done extensive research on shortening long necks.
Then you can help? - Of course.
This is our latest therapy technique.
Don't thank me.
It's all in a day's work.
Please, Dr.
Honeydew, don't leave a mess backstage.
If you're through playing with him, put him away! And now, once again, here is our very special guest, who will be joined by a very tall feathered friend who just wandered in off the street, uh, Sesame Street, to be precise.
Ladies and gentlemen, Big Bird and Leslie Uggams.
- # Stop - # Stop # 'Cause I really love you - # Stop - # Stop # I've been thinking of you # Look in my heart and let love # Keep us together # Love # Love will keep us together # Think of me babe whenever # Some sweet talking bird comes along # Singing his song # Don't mess around We just got to be strong - # Just stop - # Stop # 'Cause I really love you - # Stop - # Stop # I'll be thinking of you # Look in my heart and let love # Keep us together # Whatever # You # You belong to me now # Ain't gonna set you free now # When those birds start hanging around # Talking me down # Hear with your heart and you won't hear a sound - # Just stop - # Stop # 'Cause I really love you - # Stop - # Stop # I'll be thinking of you # Look in my heart and let love # Keep us together # Whatever # Together # Well, I think we've just about come down to the end of another one, but before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, the lovely Leslie Uggams! Yay! Thank you, Kermit.
Chicky baby, you've gotta forgive me.
I'll never talk to another chicken again.
Oh, hi, Camilla.
Camilla?! Gonzo, you're quite a shocker.
I thought that Camilla was your one true love.
Oh, yeah, uh, well, chickens all look the same to me.
Girls, please.
Well, I'd like to thank a really different looking chicken, Big Bird from Sesame Street.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
And we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! Have we ever said that this show is for the birds? Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.
Thank you, Scooter.
Um, it is true that Big Bird from Sesame Street is on the show tonight, right? Well, that's right, Leslie.
Well, would you tell him that his younger brother is in my dressing room? It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest stars, Leslie Uggams and Big Bird of Sesame Street.
Yay! # It's time to play the music # It's time to light the lights # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup # It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started # Its time to get things started # On the most sensational, Inspirational # Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show # Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And welcome again to The Muppet Show.
And we've got some show for you tonight.
Because our special guest is the lovely singer, dancer and actress, Miss Leslie Uggams.
And also, making a special appearance tonight is a friend of mine from Sesame Street, Big Bird and Oh, hey, Kermit.
Now? Huh, now? Uh, not yet, Big Bird.
You come on a little later in the show.
Oh, OK.
I'll just wait back here then.
Yeah, yeah.
Just watch out for the overhead lights.
Uh, anyhow, now ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest, Miss Leslie Uggams! # Hey there, good times here I am # Welcome back your baby lamb # Open wide them golden doors # And set my chair down next to yours # I've been freezin', sneezin' # Out there where the bad times blow # Please don't stop to scold me # Let your lovin' arms enfold me # Hey there, good times take my hand # Give my music to the band # Dust off that old welcome mat # And show me where to hang my hat # I've been lost for all these years # Cryin' buckets full of tears # Though I'm used and bruised and muddy # Clap my back and call me buddy # Bye bye bad times # Pack your gear # I've had bad times # Up to here # Hey there glad times # Please appear # Show me that I'm not forgotten # Oil me down and spoil me rotten # So long bum days # Gotta split # Gloomy glum days # Go on, get # Sugarplum days # Shake my mitt # Shout hurray and hallelujah # Happy days I'm comin' to ya # So long bum days # Gotta split # Gloomy glum days # Go on, get # Sugarplum days # Shake my mitt # Shout hooray and hallelujah # Baby's back and runnin' to ya # Bye bye bad times # So long sad times # Hey there good times # Here I am # Well, that number shows what a great actress Leslie Uggams is.
Actress? She wasn't acting, she was singing.
Yes, but she looked like she enjoyed it.
That's acting.
OK, nice number.
- Ow! Ow! Oh, very good, Leslie.
- Thank you.
OK, who stepped on your toe? - What? Who stepped on your toe? Well, I did! Kermit, if you need me, I'll be in Camilla's dressing room.
Oh, Camilla.
Camilla the chicken? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I'm so nervous.
Tonight's our first formal date and I'm almost sick with fear.
Well, I imagine she feels much the same.
Oh, you think so? Oh, boy.
Suppose I get so excited that I faint? Gonzo, I don't know.
I suppose she'll have to give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
She'll have to what?! Or in your case, mouth-to-beak resuscitation.
Gonzo, are you OK? Of course, I was just rehearsing my faint.
I hope Camilla's been rehearsing hers.
It's me.
Camilla, my apricot, these are for you.
Oh, oh, gosh.
I think the room is spinning.
I may faint.
How was that? Camilla? Camilla? Camilla, aren't you going to kiss me? Oh, great.
Just my luck.
A chicken with hay fever.
Well, look now, Camilla, Camilla, why don't I take you out for some fresh air? OK? That will make it all better.
Dr.
Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.
Well, jeepers, you're about to witness the world's first demonstration of fireproof paper.
Here is my assistant Beaker, carrying a lighted blowtorch.
He will now show you how impossible it is to ignite the fireproof paper in this basket.
There is no way this paper can burn.
With Muppets' fireproof paper, you will always feel secure.
Tune in next time, and witness Muppet Labs new answer to the energy crisis, flammable water.
That's all for now, from Muppet Labs.
Oh, dear.
What do you suppose they call that? A novelty act? I don't know, but it wasn't too bad.
Well, that's a novelty.
# La la Holy maracas! Oh, hi.
I'm Big Bird.
Huh.
No kiddin'? I'm a friend of Kermit's.
- Oh.
Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood, Sesame Street.
Oh, isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets? Uh-huh.
Well, who are you? Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
Oh.
Well, do you work around here? Uh, listen, yellow thing, uh, do you see this star here? Oh, yes.
It's very pretty.
And, uh, do you know why it is there? Well, uh - Hmm? Hmm? Perfect attendance? I am the singing star of this show.
A singing pig?! That's very funny.
Kiss your feathers goodbye, Bird.
Hi-yah Oh! You do acrobatics, too.
She's very versatile.
Oh, Leslie, it's really a pleasure to have you on the show with us.
Well, thank you, Lew.
And it's a thrill for me to work with a boomerang-fish thrower.
Well, I should think so.
Listen, Lew, what does it take to become a great boomerang-fish thrower? Well, you gotta have sole.
And if you can't get sole, use halibut.
I should have guessed.
But in that case, I use a catcher's mitt.
Why? No, no, don't tell me.
Let me guess.
Uh, just for the halibut? See, you're catching on.
Listen, how did you acquire this talent? Was it an accident? No, it was on porpoise.
I give him the straight lines and he gives me the fish lines.
Yeah.
You know, I started this act using kippers.
My brother and I did the act together, but we split up.
Why? - Am I my brother's kipper? I gotta quit this and sing my song.
Oh, great idea.
I'll accompany you on this.
Well, Lew, I was kind of expecting violins.
Well, what the heck? - Yeah.
# Here you come again # Lookin' better than a body has a right to # And shakin' me up so that all I really know # Is here you come again # And here I go Two at once.
- All right.
Fascinating.
I love this.
Whoo! Fun, fun, fun! Like this.
# All you gotta do is smile that smile # And there go all my defenses # Just leave it up to you and in a little while # You're messin' up my mind # And fillin' up my senses # Here you come again Oh, this is fabulous.
- Swordfish this time.
# Lookin' better than a body has a right to # And shakin' me up so that all I really know # Is here you come again # And here I go # And here I go # Ahh! Ma! That reminds me.
This show has always reminded me of a sardine.
Why? It's a little fishy.
# Mad about the frog # I know it's stupid to be mad about the frog # I'm so ashamed of it # But must admit the sleepless nights # I've had about the frog # On the silver screen # He melts my foolish heart in every little scene # Although I'm quite aware that here and there # Are traces of the cad about the frog # Lord knows I'm not a fool girl # I really shouldn't care # Lord knows I'm not a schoolgirl # In the flurry of her first affair # Will it ever cloy? # This odd diversity of misery and joy # I'm feeling quite insane and young again # And all because I'm mad about the frog # Will it ever cloy # This odd diversity of misery and joy # I'm feeling quite insane and young again # And all because # I'm mad about the frog # And now, Bear On Patrol.
All right, come on! You just come with me, you you Sir, Sergeant, I have just picked up In a minute, Patrol Bear.
I have to finish this report.
Oh, drat, I made a mistake.
Now, I'll have to start all over again.
But sir, can't that report wait? No, this is a very serious charge.
What is it? - Littering.
Sir, this also is a very serious charge.
Oh, yeah? What's the charge? Impersonating an officer.
Can you prove it? Of course I can prove it, Sergeant.
Go ahead, do your stuff.
OK, impersonating an officer.
Ahh.
Of course I can prove it, Sergeant.
Go ahead, do your stuff.
Ahh.
Hey, that's not bad.
- Thank you.
Yep, now look, Sergeant, this is a very dangerous criminal.
He should be locked up.
I think he should be locked up.
Here are the keys.
I'll finish up the report.
I'm going to lock him up.
Yep, I should've known better than to try to fool with you, Patrol Bear.
Yeah, you're darn tootin'! After you.
- Thank you.
Listen, tell me what kind of food you like and I'll Uh, see you later, Sarge.
Right.
Sergeant, wait a minute! He locked me in! Not bad.
You sound more like him all the time.
Now try to do me.
Oh! Sergeant, you don't understand! He got away! No, that's not me.
You still sound like that dumb bear that brought you in here.
Try it again.
I have a deep, authoritative voice.
Sergeant, will you just turn around, please?! Better, but keep trying.
You need more macho.
Tell me, Gonzo, what is it about Camilla that first attracted you to her? Are you kidding? Everything.
She's beautiful, witty, charming, delightful company, a good cook and she's very talented.
Really? What does she do? Camilla! Arriba! Cha cha cha! Oh, wow! - Yeah.
Well, I would've thought that was impossible! What, to get a chicken to dance? No, to find tap shoes for claws.
Hello, I am Vend-A-Wish.
Deposit a coin and I will answer any wish you may have.
Thank you.
Now, please state your wish and I will grant it.
Oh, I wish I was taller.
Taller.
- Yeah.
Next.
Camilla, I have written a song for you.
Sinatra or Mick Jagger will probably wanna record it.
But I want you to hear it from me first.
# You alone You are my one and only chicken # Steady # And if you leave I will alone and lonely sicken # Ready # You and I # We're a team and that's a fact # You and I # What a terrific idea for an act Oh, listen to the rhymes in the chorus.
It's very Cole Porter-y.
# Camilla # You're sweeter than wine or vanilla, Camilla # Come lie beneath this tree It's a willa # Camilla # Camilla # The night it grows stilla and stilla # Camilla # You're prettier by far than Godzilla # Camilla # Who are you? Huh? Me? Wow! Perfection incarnate! Wow! Statuesque, and yet still poultry in every sense.
You have that one thing lacking in chickens.
Bulk.
I'm so confused.
You are so huge! Well, I have no idea what you're talking about, sir.
I was just looking for Miss Uggams.
And you found me.
Lady luck has smiled and showered us with that certain thing Flower pot.
Oh, please, Dr.
Honeydew, I can't go through life with this long neck.
Never fear, at Muppet Labs we have done extensive research on shortening long necks.
Then you can help? - Of course.
This is our latest therapy technique.
Don't thank me.
It's all in a day's work.
Please, Dr.
Honeydew, don't leave a mess backstage.
If you're through playing with him, put him away! And now, once again, here is our very special guest, who will be joined by a very tall feathered friend who just wandered in off the street, uh, Sesame Street, to be precise.
Ladies and gentlemen, Big Bird and Leslie Uggams.
- # Stop - # Stop # 'Cause I really love you - # Stop - # Stop # I've been thinking of you # Look in my heart and let love # Keep us together # Love # Love will keep us together # Think of me babe whenever # Some sweet talking bird comes along # Singing his song # Don't mess around We just got to be strong - # Just stop - # Stop # 'Cause I really love you - # Stop - # Stop # I'll be thinking of you # Look in my heart and let love # Keep us together # Whatever # You # You belong to me now # Ain't gonna set you free now # When those birds start hanging around # Talking me down # Hear with your heart and you won't hear a sound - # Just stop - # Stop # 'Cause I really love you - # Stop - # Stop # I'll be thinking of you # Look in my heart and let love # Keep us together # Whatever # Together # Well, I think we've just about come down to the end of another one, but before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, the lovely Leslie Uggams! Yay! Thank you, Kermit.
Chicky baby, you've gotta forgive me.
I'll never talk to another chicken again.
Oh, hi, Camilla.
Camilla?! Gonzo, you're quite a shocker.
I thought that Camilla was your one true love.
Oh, yeah, uh, well, chickens all look the same to me.
Girls, please.
Well, I'd like to thank a really different looking chicken, Big Bird from Sesame Street.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
And we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! Have we ever said that this show is for the birds? Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.