The Neighborhood (2018) s03e18 Episode Script

1 Hey, boys.
What's up? - Hey.
- Hey, Ma.
Any chance we can borrow some wrapping paper for Pop's birthday gift? Sure.
What you get him? Oh, well, so far, wrapping paper.
Plus, we are getting him a really thoughtful card.
That is, if you have one of those, too.
Yeah, but don't waste your time.
Last year, I wrote him a beautiful card, he didn't even read it.
He just shook it to see if any money fell out.
Man, he's just so hard to shop for.
Yeah, man, I still remember that digital picture frame I got him one year and loaded it up with sentimental photos of us.
He returned it for a leaf blower.
What's the matter with y'all? I've been laying in bed for an hour waiting for you to bring me breakfast.
How lazy can you people be? Calvin, your birthday isn't until tomorrow.
Yes, which makes today Calvin Eve.
If Christmas gets two days, so should I.
Uh, speaking of which, if anybody tries to get me another picture frame, I'm blasting it off the table with my leaf blower.
- Oh, hey, Randall.
- Hey.
Happy Calvin Eve.
Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting breakfast in bed.
See? This guy gets it.
I got a package you got to sign for.
All right.
- There you go.
- Ah.
"Handle with care.
" It's probably a birthday present.
Yeah, so you got any big plans for your Calvin! What? The man's at work.
I didn't want to be rude.
Who's it from? My mom.
"Happy birthday to my sweet boy.
I finally thought of a gift you couldn't return.
" Yeah, so what is it? My dad.
What? She sent you your father's ashes? Well, Dad, if I were you, I'd keep Grandpa away from your leaf blower.
So let's see, Dad, what else can I tell you? I caught you up on Tina and the boys, and how the shop has had its best year ever.
So basically, there's nothing about my life I would change.
Oh, hey, buddy.
Okay, one thing.
I heard your mom sent over your dad's ashes.
I just wanted to see how you were doing.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Dave.
My dad died a long time ago.
That's a relief.
Calvin Eve is one of my favorite holidays of the year.
I thought you told me that Black people don't cremate their loved ones.
Well, usually they don't, but my dad did not want to waste money on a funeral, so in his will he wrote, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, save your money and burn me up.
" Sounds like your dad was pretty funny.
Man, we had so much fun together.
Going to Dodger games, fixing up classic cars.
And our favorite was going fishing on Saturday mornings off the Santa Monica Pier.
Ah.
You know, I wish I could've met him.
I bet we would've gotten along.
Hell no.
You would've driven him nuts.
He wasn't patient like I am.
Wha Come on, Calvin.
Of course he would've liked me.
I mean, maybe not as much as you, but let's face it, that's impossible.
Look, Dave, it's nothing personal, but my dad was just a different kind of dude than you.
I mean, he was like, "That dude.
" And more you're like, "This dude?" Okay, well, this dude wants to change your mind.
How about tomorrow for your birthday, me, you and your dad go fishing off the Santa Monica Pier? Eh, I don't know, man.
Well, come on, it'll be fun.
Just three guys hanging out, having a laugh while holding their rods.
Yeah, he would've hated you.
Oh, good, you're all here.
All right, there's something we need to talk about.
If this is about the dent in your car, I swear it was like that before my skateboard hit it.
No, this is about Calvin's birthday, but if you find your skateboard snapped in half, it was like that before I ran over it.
So, what about Pop's birthday? Well, I thought it'd be fun if we threw him a surprise party tomorrow when he and Dave get home from fishing.
- Ooh, that'll be so much fun.
- Yeah, totally.
Now, this party's gonna be a gift from all of us, right? So, what do you want us to do? Well, I was thinking about inviting a bunch of people over and surprising him with some of his favorite things.
Oh, so we all just gonna leave him alone to watch the Laker game and eat nachos in his sweatpants.
No.
You know, I mean his favorite food, his favorite music, and most of all, his favorite birthday tradition.
Oh, blowing out his candles surrounded by everyone who loves him? No, beating the hell out of a piñata.
Yeah.
On my tenth birthday, he wanted to take a few practice swings to soften it up for me.
He hit that thing so hard we found Tootsie Rolls two blocks away.
So I will be cooking all day tomorrow, so I'm gonna need you guys to pick up the decorations, the piñata and some Turtle Wax.
Why do we need Turtle Wax? It's for Grover.
If you can put a dent in my car, your little butt can wax it, too.
Wow.
This place is great.
You know, I've never been to the pier before.
Oh, yeah, man.
My dad and I, we loved it out here.
The sound of the ocean, the salty air, and our all-time favorite, is watching seagulls drop a load on people's heads.
Well, now I know why you told me not to wear a hat.
Aw, damn.
What? One of those stupid street performers is standing in my dad's favorite spot.
Oh, well, that's no big deal.
We'll just politely ask him to move a little.
You know what? Good idea.
Beat it, C-3PO, or you're going for a swim.
Sorry about that.
As, uh, someone who failed out of clown college, mad respect.
Well, here we are, Dad, your favorite fishing spot, just like back in the day.
And even if we go home empty-handed, you still caught something today.
My undying friendship.
You know, Dave, for the last time, stop sucking up to my dead dad.
I'm not sucking up.
I just, I know how close you were to your dad, and I just like to think that we would've gotten along.
Fine, you know, if it's that important to you, let's ask him.
So, Dad, now that you've met him, what do you think of Dave? There's your answer.
All right, all the food is prepped and ready to go.
How's it going with decorations? Great.
I just finished putting up the banner and I'm about to fill the piñata.
Where's the candy? Oh, we don't do candy.
Calvin likes his filled with beef jerky and cigars.
He calls it a "mañ-yata.
" Uh-oh.
"Uh-oh," what? I kind of ate all the beef jerky.
You ate an entire pound of beef jerky? Who are you, Truck Driver Barbie? I'm sorry, I needed something salty after I finished the cupcakes.
Cupcakes? How many did you eat? Just two at first.
But then I needed something sweet after all that jerky.
Damn, Gemma.
I know you just started trying, but you're eating like you're already pregnant.
No, that can't be it.
It took, like, a year for us to conceive Grover.
That doesn't mean anything.
Pregnancy is like a mañ-yata.
One good pop and it's time for cigars.
You know, I have been kind of tired lately.
Ooh.
Have you been nauseous, too? What do you think? I just ate three cupcakes and half a dried-up cow.
I'll tell you what I think.
You're pregnant.
Oh, my God, you could be right.
- Let's go buy a test.
- Oh, my gosh, okay.
Plus, we can pick up some more beef jerky.
For the piñata? Sure.
I got to admit, Dave, this was a good idea.
Thanks for suggesting it.
Oh, are you kidding me? I'm having a blast.
I mean, aside from the second time the seagull crapped on me.
Yeah, I didn't even have to blow out any birthday candles for that wish to come true.
So, I bet this is bringing back some good memories of you and your dad, huh? Oh, yeah.
You know, I was just thinking about this time he hooked something huge.
A crowd had gathered around us.
Man, he fought with this thing for almost an hour, and he finally landed it.
What was it? A shark? A barracuda? An old tire.
He had everybody cracking up when he took a picture with it.
And then said he was gonna come back the next week and try to catch the whole car.
Well, he sounds like the kind of guy who really looked on the bright side of things.
Kind of like someone else you know.
Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe my dad would've liked you.
Oh, well, thanks, Calvin.
You know, that means a lot.
In fact, you know, the next thing I hook is dedicated to your father.
What the hell, Dave?! You just threw my dad in the ocean! O-Okay, all right, I'm s I'm sorry.
I'm-a go get him.
Don't be an idiot.
That's, like, a 30-foot drop.
I know, but it still feels safer than staying up here.
So, what happened? Did you get my dad back? Hey, look, Calvin, I'm sorry.
I tried and I tried, but I just couldn't find him.
But I did bring you this.
A corn dog? You lose my dad in the ocean and you bring me back a freakin' corn dog? Okay, I know, I just, I wasn't thinking straight.
I swallowed a lot of seawater down there! I Okay, look you have every right to be angry, but it was an accident, Calvin.
I did not mean to do it.
That's just it, right? You never mean to do it.
But you always find a way to screw up my damn life.
I just jumped 30 feet into the freezing cold water to find your dad's ashes.
What else do you want me to do? You know what I want you to do? Leave me the hell alone.
Okay, fine.
Treat me like that corn dog.
Something that you love, but you're willing to throw away! Okay ooh! Here are the pregnancy tests.
Oh, my God, there are so many options.
How do I choose? Easy.
Like this.
All right, let's get out of here.
I don't want anyone to see us before I have a chance to tell Dave.
Relax.
How often do you run into someone you know at the drugstore? Hey-hey, look who's here! What are you guys doing? I thought you were setting up for the party.
- Uh - We-we came to - uh, uh, to get these! - Yep.
You're buying adult diapers? Yeah, I mean, the party's gonna be so lit.
- I don't want to miss a minute of it.
- Yeah! Mom why is your basket full of pregnancy tests? How many kids are you and Dad trying to have?! Just tell 'em.
Just tell 'em.
Okay, okay, the truth is we think I might be pregnant.
- What? - Congratulations - That's great.
- Yeah, but-but-but shh! But Dave doesn't know yet, so you cannot say anything.
Yeah.
It's such a big deal.
I don't want him to think everyone in town knew before he did.
Oh, relax, Gemma, don't worry about it.
We won't say anything.
And, besides, who else are you gonna run into at the drugstore? Hey, look who's ooh! Who pregnant? Great.
I leave one clown and run into another one.
Honk, honk.
Not much of a talker, huh? Well, I wish the guy that I came with would do that.
But, no, he never shuts up.
Every time I turn around, there he is with that stupid grin on his face, always yapping about "Hey, let's go to the farmers market.
"Let's go to pottery class.
How about we grow matching man buns?" See? Even you get it.
And you're a grown man pretending to be a robot for spare change.
The guy just never knows when to quit, man.
He's always pushing me into doing things I really don't want to do.
And it always goes bad.
Uh, like going camping.
Almost got eaten by a bear.
And and then there was the car show where I ended up stranded in the desert with a serial killer.
Exactly.
That maniac would've turned my skin into the world's sexiest tracksuit.
Yeah, hey, actually, that was pretty funny, man.
Yeah, I guess it hasn't been all bad.
I mean, we went to an escape room, we went skydiving.
Believe it or not, we actually make a pretty dope breakdance crew.
Hey, careful.
You don't want none of this, boy.
Maybe I've been too hard on the guy.
I probably should go talk to him.
Thanks a lot, man.
I owe you.
Oh, yeah, sure, man.
I got you.
There you go.
Looking good, buddy.
Okay, I only had enough pee for three sticks.
I think all the salt in that jerky dehydrated me.
- Ooh, this is so exciting! - I know.
I can't believe I might be a big brother.
Oh, G-man, it's the best.
You always have somebody to hang out with, somebody to talk to when you need a friend.
And best of all, when they get on your nerves, you get to fart on their head.
You did that when you were little? No, man, he did that this morning.
Look, something's starting to happen on this one.
What's it say? Negative.
It's okay, Gemma, you just started trying.
You'll have plenty of time to Wait, wait, wait, this one says positive! Boom! I knew my girl was knocked up! I knew it! I knew it! Hang on.
Hang on, Tina.
We don't know which one of these is right.
Which makes the third one the tiebreaker.
Oh.
Okay, okay.
Oh! I'm starting to see something.
Yeah, me, too.
Oh, God, I'm so nervous I have to pee! Damn it, bladder, make up your mind! Well, I don't know about your bladder, Gemma, but this test just decided you are pregnant! Oh, my God, I'm gonna have a baby! Oh! I'm gonna have a little niece or nephew.
And I'm gonna have someone to fart on! Hey, man.
You packing up? Yeah, I thought I'd better get out of here before I accidentally throw anyone else's loved ones off the pier.
Yeah, look, about that, man, I just came back here to say that, uh Oh, hey, Calvin, you hooked something.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, man.
It seems like something big.
You need any help? Are you kidding me? There's not a fish in the ocean strong enough to Whoa! Don't-don't worry, Calvin, I got, I got you.
- Uh, uh, Dave, it's - Okay, you're right, you're right.
Yeah, like that.
- Whew.
- Hey Calvin I'm so sorry.
Look, if I had any idea that today was gonna turn out the way that it did, I never would've suggested coming here.
Yeah, I know, man.
And you were right.
I am always messing things up for you.
So from now on, I'll leave you alone.
Nah, you don't have to do that.
I mean, I'm not gonna lie, you do get on my nerves, like a gnat in my ear with a bullhorn, but I mean we do have fun sometimes, too.
Well, that's nice of you to say, but you don't have to.
I know I don't have to, but it's true.
All right, you got me to try some things that I didn't think I'd like, but I did.
And I got to say, it's cool to have a friend like that.
Oh, please tell me this is leading to matching man buns.
You say "man bun" one more time and you're going swimming with that corn dog.
Hey, look, Calvin.
You're a really good friend, too.
You know, you're funny, you're always honest.
And no matter what happens, you always have my back.
Well that's what real friends do for each other.
- Come on, Calvin, bring it in.
- Oh, Dave, Dave! Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry! My bad.
Whoa.
This thing is big.
All right, come on, let's start reeling it in.
- Oh, man, it's heavy.
- Yeah.
- What do you think it is? - I have no idea.
But if it's anything illegal like a dolphin, I'm turning you in for the reward.
All right, come on.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
What? Are you kidding me? All that and it's just a tire? Don't you get it, man? It's not just a tire.
What is it? It's a message from my dad.
It's his way of telling me that he's happy here.
He's saying it's his perfect final resting place.
And I put him there.
I knew we'd be friends.
Come on, man, that's enough fishing for the day.
- Let's go home, buddy.
- All right.
Are you taking that as a memory of your dad? No.
You see how much tread is left on this thing? I'm selling this at my shop.
Okay, everybody, it's mañ-yata time! Okay, y'all better watch I'm playing, man.
Y'all better watch out though, step back.
'Cause I am about to go whack-ass on this jackass! This is so much fun.
Did you see Calvin's face when he saw everyone was here? Yeah, I haven't seen him that surprised since well, when I threw his dad into the ocean.
You know, Calvin's not the only one who's getting a surprise today.
What do you mean? Is that what I think it is? Surprise.
Wait You're pregnant? I know it happened faster than we expected, but are you happy? Are you kidding me? Th-th this is one of the happiest moments of my life.
Can I tell everyone? Of course.
Why do you think I told you first? Hey, guys, I've got some Oh! Oh, man, you-you okay? Yeah, but I think I might be done at two kids.