The Office (US) s03e18 Episode Script

Can you confirm that the straps are tight? Yes.
But this seems a little And now the chains.
A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids.
And that's why so many other people in my class were kids.
Self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic, and a little extra time after school.
Magic, magic, magic.
And now, Michael the Magic will attempt to escape from extreme bondage.
Can he do it? I don't see how he can.
I know how.
He'll dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out.
No.
No.
Everyone, now count down with me.
Three Sorry.
Sorry, quick thing.
So is it true that if you can't get out, you don't want anyone to help you? I will get out.
Oh, yes.
I will.
So we shouldn't help you no matter how much you might beg and plead? No.
All right.
Just This is getting hot, so let's just do this, okay? Ready! Three! Two! One! Go! Is everything okay, Michael? Yes.
I cannot tell you how I plan to escape other than by using magic.
That is the magician's code.
Separately on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key All right, ready? Come on, guys.
Early worm gets the worm.
Another worm, like, are they friends? That's, "Early bird gets the worm.
" Okay.
Pam, would you smell my breath? No.
No.
Let me smell.
Good.
Not great.
Michael, you go to parties all the time.
Why is tonight so special? Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company.
And Jan and I are going as a couple for the first time.
So it's kind of our coming out party, really.
And that is why tonight is so special.
Jimbo, last chance, carpool.
Oh, no thanks.
I think Karen and I will take my car.
You sure? Might be a good idea Yeah.
if we all went together, we could save some gas, have fun.
Long trip.
Thanks.
Play some games? Not Yeah.
I Spy.
Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason.
So, let me think here.
I don't know any of these people.
It's an obligation.
I don't like talking paper in my free time.
Or in my work time.
And did I use the word "pointless"? Thanks for inviting me along.
Oh, sure.
I really didn't give it any thought.
Wait, should you be going? Hello, you.
Michael? Hey, buttercup.
Hi.
I am on my way.
I should be there in about 15 All right, let's just blow this party off.
That's what she said.
Yeah.
Am I on speakerphone? Yes, you are.
Is anybody else Hello, Jan! Hi, Dwight.
Okay, Michael, take me off speakerphone.
No problem.
Okay, let's just go to a motel and Okay.
just, like, rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica.
Okay, Jan? Jan, this party is actually a very big step for us.
So I I'm still on speaker? I I I don't know.
Are the cameras there? Maybe.
Okay.
See you soon.
Okay.
All right.
Bye.
Talk to you later, Jan.
Hey, Michael left early.
So a bunch of us are gonna go to Poor Richards for happy hour.
You should come.
I can't.
My brother, he just unloaded the jet skis and he, kind of, took a bath, so we're gonna go get hammered.
Okay.
Well, we're going to a bar.
Hey, you have to come to stuff with me.
I'm serious.
If you're going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things.
Okay.
I've decided that I'm going to be more honest.
I'm gonna start telling people what I want directly.
So look out world 'cause old Pammy is getting what she wants.
And don't call me Pammy.
Beauty.
Thank you, sir.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you.
You're dressed exactly like the servants.
Shut up.
Okay, change shirts with me.
Wait.
I don't think yours will fit me.
I don't care.
Oh, wow.
Here.
Don't put my jacket on Don't give me that.
That would have been really embarrassing.
Yes.
Crisis averted.
Okay That duck is so cute.
Hey, Pam.
Hey, guys.
Oscar.
Angela.
Hi! Actually, it's polite to arrive early.
And smart.
Only really good friends show up early.
Ergo, de facto, go to a party early, become a really good friend.
Oh, potato salad? It's from both of us.
No, it's not.
Wonderful.
Let's see where we can put this.
Okay.
Oh, you know, you probably want to leave the cover on until the guests get here.
It's been sitting in my car all day.
Sun beating down on the mayonnaise.
Just You never know.
Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
When is it? It's complicated.
I would appreciate some space on this.
Hey! Hey! You made it.
Well, you said it was important, so It is.
How's it going? What's up, Pam? Hey, Kenny.
Sorry about the jet skis.
You guys all want a round on me? Yeah! Yeah? Let's get you a drink.
Thanks, man.
I'm thirsty.
No, thank you.
Roy, I You should get a round, Pam.
Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.
What you looking for? You bring dip? I'm sure that it's catered.
I need you to sign these, Michael.
It's a waiver of some of your rights.
You should read it carefully.
It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work.
You get a copy, I get a copy and a third copy goes to HR.
Awesome.
I'm gonna frame mine.
I could frame yours, too.
You realize this is This is a legal document that says you can't sue the company Over our love.
I've never told you that I love you.
You don't have to, Jan.
This contract says it all.
I am taking a calculated risk.
What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing.
Downside? I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star.
What's this over the "I"? It's a heart.
Why is this so hard? That's what she said.
Oh, my God, what am I saying? I love this woman! Oh, God.
Michael, please.
Michael, please.
Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? No.
No? Then you're an idiot.
Hello, Michael.
Rachel! Boy, you clean up good.
The place looks great with all the lights on and everything.
Actually looks bigger with people in it.
It's weird.
So Jan, glad you could make it.
Oh, of course.
Of course, David.
Do you remember Michael Scott from the Scranton branch? Of course I do.
How are you, Michael? Jan and I are lovers.
It feels so good to finally say that out loud.
David, can I speak to you privately for just a moment, please? Excuse me.
Okay.
No.
Actually, one of these is supposed to be a light.
Oh, sorry.
So did the merger go smoothly or It did.
"Like butter.
" Mike Myers, SNL.
You should ask Karen.
She was one of them.
I'm the only one left.
Everybody else was either fired or quit.
And there's one in anger management.
Yeah.
But you're great now, right? We're all great.
Aren't we great? We're good.
Michael, please stop that, okay? Can I get anyone anything? I could go for an appe-teaser.
Martini, please.
Yep, Bagel Bites or something.
Rachel, your house is beautiful.
Thank you.
What's the square footage? About 5,000.
Does that include the garage? Dwight, wow.
That's not appropriate.
I don't know.
It's a common question.
David, how much did this house cost? These old Colonials are great when they're sound.
I'd love to take a look around.
I'll show you around, sure.
Cool.
Let's start with the banisters.
Hey.
Do you see that guy behind you in the blue blazer against the wall? Yep.
That's Drake.
And just so, you know, I don't want to be weird or anything, but we used to date.
Okay.
Cool.
Thanks for telling me.
And it didn't end well.
Got you.
All right.
This was a gift from Lee lacocca.
Twenty-year-old single malt Scotch.
Here is to Mr.
Lacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Do you have any ice? Sure.
How about some Splenda? One, two, three! Up Jenkins! Down Jenkins! Oh, I think I hear the quarter over here.
Where? On this side.
No, it is definitely under one of these hands.
I, kind of, heard it on Roy's side too.
No.
It is here.
Not here.
Not here.
Not here.
Not here.
Good thing you didn't listen to me.
Yeah.
Close one.
Not here.
It's not here.
Okay, it's either here or here.
Not here.
Oh, yes! Yes! Nice job.
I can read you like a book.
Oh, yeah? You can't keep anything from me.
Bottoms up! Hey, Creed.
Hey! What's up, Creed? What do you guys up to? Hello.
You're the man, buddy.
I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the sheriff's station.
Yeah, these studs are way too far apart.
What's in here? That's a guest room.
Just the one window? Oh, I must get that.
You'll have to excuse me.
Are those real pearls? Yes.
They're Good.
Well, it was nice meeting you guys.
Take care.
Well, if you're wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it's because I kind of saw him for a little bit when they were separated.
Oh, didn't notice.
Really? I thought it was so obvious.
I'm glad it didn't make you uncomfortable.
No, it was before I knew you, so it's fine.
This one really smells like vanilla.
Check that out.
That's nice.
You and the missus should join us in Sandals, Jamaica next Christmas.
Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family.
Yeah.
They don't allow kids at Sandals.
They are persona non grata there.
Oh, but it's fun.
It is an awesome place.
You would not believe how low this girl can limbo.
It's crazy.
David, I'm sorry, you're just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes.
Sorry.
Okay.
Okay.
Excuse me.
What's going on? What is it? Sorry.
What's What's the matter? What What did I Come on.
Just Just Just What are you doing? Don't you know what I'm doing? Yeah, but you could tell me.
Wow.
What What is that? Why are we Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this was where you liked your privacy.
Shut up.
What has gotten into you? No, no, no.
What? Come on, let's get back to the party.
Come on.
Wait, let me just take my dress off.
We're missing everybody.
Don't take that No, stop it! Stop it! Jan! No! No! No! Michael No means "Please don't.
" Means Slam me up against the wall right here.
I'm not going to slam you up against anything.
You're acting inappropriate, Jan.
I want you so I'm acting inappropriate? Yeah.
Forget it.
Get out of my way.
Here.
Hey! Where have you been all night? I was looking forward to hanging out with you.
I was Hey, don't you have a daughter? Yes.
Oh, good.
You're up.
Hey, who makes this chair? I don't know.
It was here when I was born.
I want one.
It's really good, solid construction.
It's comfortable.
What is this, oak? I don't know.
What do you know? God, I hate these parties.
You wanna sneak out back and shoot some hoops? Meet me outside in two minutes.
Now you stay here and have fun 'cause I'm going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace.
Okay.
Don't mention that you and I are dating 'cause I think he might still have feelings for me.
Wallace? What the hell? Have you dated, like, every guy here? Wow.
Okay.
You got me.
I so got you.
So none of them? Of course not.
I mean you're, kind of, like, my first.
Really? Oh, my God, it's so easy Okay.
it's not even fun.
Hey, Jan.
Not too good.
Did you get a chance to try Michael's homemade potato salad? Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad.
But I just picked it up at the supermarket.
It's funny.
I wish I could make potato salad that good.
It's just potatoes and mayonnaise.
There's something wrong with Jan.
What's What's with Jan and Michael? I don't know Where to begin.
My ball.
The chimney's in decent shape.
Not great.
I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation.
So, all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.
What? I want us to make it.
I want a fresh start.
That's awesome.
That's what I want.
Okay, but in order for us to make it, there can't be any secrets between us.
I didn't I didn't do anything.
Ask anybody.
I totally could have and I didn't at all.
Just listen.
Remember that casino night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim.
What? He told me how he felt and I guess I had feelings, too.
And we kissed.
Jim came on to you? Just listen.
No, I am listening! That's the problem, I'm listening! Don't yell.
Don't yell? This is over.
Yeah.
You're right.
This is so over! Are you kidding me, Pam? Come on! God! Stupid jet skis! Our first fight.
If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle I feel sick.
You didn't have any of the potato salad, did you? You know, we were good when we were just running around, you know? In secret.
It was wrong and it was exciting, and maybe it was a mistake to take it public.
Well, if that's the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly.
Michael Greatly.
Please don't cry.
I'm not going to cry.
I feel like it, but I am not going to.
Why don't you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million pieces? It was never a love contract, Michael.
Yeah.
And besides, I have already given a copy to David.
It would be just as embarrassing to get it back from him as it was handing it to him I want the house, Jan.
I want the picket fence.
I want the ketchup fights and the tickling and the giggling.
I didn't mean it, okay? I was Whatever.
I was tired.
I'm tired and I didn't eat enough.
And that's all.
That was it.
That's it.
You didn't mean it.
That's all.
No, I didn't.
So That's all.
I'm just saying I didn't mean it.
Okay.
Fine.
I love you, Jan.
Okay.
Don't break up, you guys.
You're great together.
Are they gonna call the cops? No.
I paid them off.
Jet ski money? All of it.
I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert.