The Simpsons s03e18 Episode Script

##Ahh, the Simpsons ## D'oh! Now, class I promised you a surprise today.
Wow! I knew it.
And here it is.
We're going to take a test.
Oh! We're going to take a test.
All right! A test! It's called the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test-- Or ''CAN'T.
'' Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you never imagined.
Others may find out life isn't fair.
In spite of your masters from Bryn Mawr you might end up a baby-sitter to dead-eyed fourth graders while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counselor! First question-- ''If I could be any animal, I would be: A) a carpenter ant B) a nurse shark or, C) a lawyer bird.
'' Question 60-- ''I prefer the smell of: A) gasoline B) french fries or, C) bank customers.
'' Well, that was a waste of time.
Janie, school is never a waste of time.
Since we have 1 5 minutes until recess please put down your pencils and stare at the front of the room.
Here for the tests.
Come on, Emma.
Here's your scientifically selected career.
Architect! Mm-hmm.
Insurance salesman.
Mm-hmm.
Salmon gutter?! Military strongman! Systems analyst,systems analyst, systems analyst.
Systems analyst.
All right! Homemaker? Mm-hmm.
It's like a mommy.
Police officer?! Well, I'll be jiggered.
If you'd like to learn more I could arrange a ride-along in a police car.
I don't need you to get me in a police car.
You should consider this.
Before I saw these test results, I had you pegged a drifter.
Wow.
A drifter.
Lousy sheriff.
Run me out of town.
He's lost my vote.
Cool.
A homemaker.
! I might as well be dead.
It's not that bad.
What will you be, boy? Policeman.
Oh, that's nice.
Your father wanted to be a policeman but they said he was too heavy.
The army said I was too heavy.
The police said I was too dumb.
I'm going to be a famous jazz musician.
I'll be unappreciated in my own country but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French.
I'll avoid drug abuse but have several torrid love affairs and I may or may not die young.
I haven't decided.
Honey, if that's what you want, we'll help.
Wait a minute.
Isn't anybody gonna follow in my footsteps? Tell me if I have what it takes to be a blues musician.
Show me your chops.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Cool.
So, you think she has talent? Sure.
Do you think she could be a professional? Oh, Lord, no.
But I'll practice every day.
I'll be frank with you.
When I say frank, I mean devastating.
You've inherited a finger condition known as stubbiness.
It usually comes from the father's side.
D'oh! Stupid fingers.
You're wrong! You're wrong! You don't need long fingers to play the blues.
The blues come from in here.
My God, they are stubby.
I didn't steal that copper wire.
I just thought they were throwing it out.
Here.
Take it.
No.
We're here for your son.
He's coming on a ride-along.
Maybe this will straighten the boy out.
Wow! Can I see your club? It's called a baton, son.
What's it for? We club people with it.
Well! It's about time.
So you guys like being cops? Oh, it's great.
You run red lights, park wherever you please hot-and-cold-running chicks.
And when you go home at night you know you've made a difference.
See that Caddie? Uh-huh.
That's Mayor Quimby's car.
Tonight his honor is polling the electorate.
How would you like a street named after you? I tell you.
They only come out at night.
Dear log this will be my last entry for you were a journal of my hopes and dreams and now, I have none.
Do you need straight A's to be a cop? Hey, fellas, let's go shoot some bad guys.
It doesn't quite work that way, son.
People see movies like McBain, and they think it's all bang-bang, shoot-'em-up cops and robbers.
Let's roll.
One-Ocean-Tango.
We're in pursuit of a speeding individual driving a red car, license number Eggplant-Xerxes- Crybaby-Overbite-Narwhal.
Oh, no.
Cops.
Whoo.
They used nylon rope this time.
It feels so smooth my skin-- almost sensuous.
Ooh, baby.
Damn boxes.
He's trapped.
Where's our backup? I don't know.
Son, this is against every regulation but would you cover us? Wow! Huh? See you in hell, punk.
See you in hell, punk! Man, that was close.
Good thing this alley got so narrow in the middle.
Well, that's nice work, boys.
Looks like you just bought yourself a lottery ticket-- to jail.
He's unconscious, sir.
Oh, they can still hear things.
Sir, I know what I want to be when I grow up-- a cop.
Until then, son I'm making you an honorary police officer.
Eddie, give him your badge.
Hey! Morning, honey.
What's so good about being stuck in the house behind a stove? Lisa, I know you're down on homemaking but it can really let you be creative.
See? This morning I turned bacon, eggs, and toast into a smiley face for Bart and Homer.
What's the point? They'll never notice.
Oh, well, you'd surprised.
Hmm, umm, hmm Now just relax your hand.
Thank you, ma'am.
You've been most cooperative.
Bad dog! Very bad dog! Mom, before you blame the dog take a look at these surveillance photos.
Oh.
Oh! Oh, Bart! I don't know how that got in there.
Lisa, why aren't you at band practice? I quit.
Right now you're discouraged but you know you love the saxophone.
I think you should stay in the band.
If you think it's so great, why don't you join the band? Lisa! People like to tell you what you can't do but they don't always know what they're talking about.
You know what I want to be? The girl on the oatmeal box? No.
I'm going to be an astronaut.
Women can't be astronauts.
Why not? They distract the men so they wouldn't keep their minds on the road.
There will be women astronauts.
It's true and we'll all live in cities on the moon.
So, you see, my sisters were wrong-- except about the cities on the moon.
I was wrong about that, so-- Well, you can see how anyone can be wrong.
Sleek, vigilant puma-- principal of the mountains.
Hi, Lis.
Want to quiz me on the vowels? I'm ready to chuck the whole alphabet.
Huh? Lisa, what are you doing? That's a bad-girl bathroom! Duh! You want to egg Skinner's car? Okay.
What are you looking at? Nothing.
Then get out.
We're figuring out stuff to egg.
Okay, but if you really want to honk Skinner off I suggest you attack the one thing he truly believes in.
I saw some awful things in 'Nam but you really have to wonder at the mentality that would desecrate a helpless puma.
I never thought I'd say this but the no-goodniks rule this school.
Get your hands off me.
! God, I could really use a half day.
Think you're big men with your handcuffs and blasted Tasers! Get him out of here.
I'll get you, Bart Simpson, if it's the last thing I do! What is this all about? It's quite simple, really.
I observed our friend, Groundskeeper Willie, burning leaves-- a blatant disregard for our clean air laws.
Bart Simpson on the side of law and order?! Has the world gone topsy-turvy? That's right, man.
I got my first taste of authority and I liked it.
Hmm.
There are a lot of troublemakers in this school and I can't be everywhere at once.
Go on.
Look, let's can the euphemisms.
How would you like to be a hall monitor? Wouldn't that mean squealing on other kids? That's the meat of it.
Hmm.
Now, Witness X would you please tell the court what you saw? I'd be more than happy to.
I saw Mr.
Montone there seal Mr.
Palaccio in an oil drum and roll him off the pier.
I kill you! Ay, caramba.
! I don't know.
Oh, now, you get to wear a sash.
You got yourself a narc.
Hey,Jimbo, keeping your nose clean, dude? Hey, Donna, who loves you, baby? Not in my hall, bub.
I think you've had enough, sister.
Come on, let's keep it moving.
Pink belly! Pink belly! Pink belly! Break it up, boys.
That belly ain't going to get any pinker.
Wedgie! Thanks, Bart.
Bart's grades are up a little this term but Lisa's are way down.
Oh, we always have one good kid and one lousy kid.
Why can't both our kids be good? We have three kids, Homer.
Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid.
No.
Maggie.
Oh, yeah.
Now take some paste and spread it on the construction paper.
Ralph, are you eating your paste? No, Miss Hoover.
Good.
Now sprinkle your sparkles on your paste.
Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles.
Shove it.
I have never seen a good student take such a slide.
Lisa, what are you rebelling against? What do you got? and she goes ''Lisa told Hoover to shove it.
'' And I'm, like, ''No way--'' Hey, Lisa, man.
I'm, like, so impressed.
When I was in second grade, I was all ''I'm so good.
'' Want a smoke? Uh I'll smoke it in class.
Whoa! Whoa! Bart, you're doing a bang-up job.
There were some corridors in this school you'd never go down.
Now I feel safe anywhere.
Every day is a new fight, sir.
Bart, the school is a police state.
Students are afraid to sneeze.
I have you to thank.
Come with me.
Madre de Dios.
! The legends were true! Whenever a teacher confiscates something it ends up here.
Salacious halter tops complete collections of Mad, Cracked and the occasional issue of Crazy and this plastic derriere.
Now, to show my gratitude, I want you to help yourself to an item of your choice.
All right! You be careful with that crossbow.
I will.
This is an absence slip signed by Nelson's mother and this is Nelson's English homework.
Notice the identical elongated loops on the D's.
Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy.
I thought I could never teach again.
Things have changed.
There will be no mockery of your name, Mr.
Glasscock.
Hey, Louis, watch this.
Ow! Bart, do something! Let's go, Milhouse.
Sure, we have order.
But at what price? Now let's correct our homework exercises.
Lisa, what 1 9th-century figure was nicknamed ''Old Hickory''? I don't know.
You? Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment you'd know the answer is the Battle of New Orleans.
I mean Andrew Jackson.
Well, you're earning your 1 8 grand a year.
Stupid Hoover.
Thinks she's so smart.
She wouldn't be so smart without her teacher's edition.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen the unthinkable has happened.
Some sick, twisted individual has stolen every teacher's edition in this school.
What do we do? Does anyone know the multiplication table? Please, don't panic.
They can smell fear.
Children, for rest of day Martin will be teaching this class.
But I wouldn't know where to begin.
Do it, brainiac.
Have I ever told you kids about the '60s? I've got to get out of here.
Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean.
Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean.
I'm leaving again.
Mr.
Glasscock, please reconsider.
Uh-uh.
Bart, the police haven't had any luck finding the teacher's editions.
The dogs have picked up the scent of books.
Send in the battering ram.
Here we go.
We'll have to reorder every book.
Seymour, I'll bet you those books are still here.
We have to search every locker.
Locker searches aren't permitted by the Supreme Court.
Supreme Court.
What have they done for us lately? Let's move.
Hmm.
Baa! Lisa! That's right.
It was I.
Lis, why did you do it? Come on, Bart! In your pre-fascist days you knew the thrill of futile rebellion.
Yeah, but even I had my limits.
You're looking at expulsion for this.
I know! I know! The books! Oh, answers! Answers! Simpson, you've just saved this school $1 20.
Who's behind this monstrous crime? I am.
I've been blind.
The signs all pointed to a rogue hall monitor.
Sorry I betrayed your trust, Principal ''Sucker.
'' In light of your recent service to the school I've decided to be lenient.
I can do that standing on my head.
All right, 500 days.
Ooh! Big man! Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.
Let's go, Simpson.
Bart, why did you take the blame? 'Cause I didn't want you to wreck your life.
You got the brains and talent to go as far as you want and when you do I'll be right there to borrow money.
Oh, Bart.
Sounding good, Lis.
Shh!