Whose Line Is It Anyway? (1998) s03e18 Episode Script
Season 3, Episode 18
Drew: Good evening, And welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" On tonight's show Is this seat taken? Brad sherwood! Come here often? Wayne brady! I bet you say that to all the guys.
Colin mochrie! Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were a woman.
Ryan stiles! Hi, I'm your host drew carey.
Come on down.
Let's have some fun! Hello.
Hello, everybody.
How you doing? Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything is made up And the points don't matter.
That's right.
The points are like a bicycle-riding fish To a lesbian.
What? Oh Drew: Glad you got that.
Oh, yeah.
Now, let's start out With a game called "weird newscasters.
" This is for everybody.
Brad, you're going to be the anchor of a news show.
Brad, you're the anchor of a news show.
Colin, you're the co-anchor.
You panic over the slightest thing.
Wayne, you're doing the sports.
You're spanish tv's crocodile hunter.
Yes, I am.
Yes.
Ryan, you're doing the weather, And you're a mercenary, And you're on a mission to replace everyone else On the show.
I'm a mercenary, And I want to replace everybody else on the show.
Right.
That's what you want to do.
That's your mission.
So am I a missionary, or am I a mercenary? You're a mercenary who likes missionary.
So, whenever you hear the music, brad, Take it away, and let's go to the news.
[ music plays .]
Welcome to the 6:00 p.
M.
News.
I'm skip shaply.
Tonight's biggest story Financial analysts have figured out a way To take out a second mortgage on your home So that you can afford a full tank of gas.
And now, with the business desk, Please welcome baldy flapscalp.
Baldy? What do you mean baldy? Oh, my god! When did that happen? Turn the camera away.
Nope.
What are you doing? Thanks for that illuminating report, baldy.
Let's find out about sports.
Let's go over to the sports desk With ricardo balbon montez de la vasquez esaloca.
Buenas tardes, señores and señoritas.
Eh, donde pueda es Oh, ay, mamá! Gracias.
Oh, si, si, si.
Una alligator, oh, si mi saliva Oh, muy grande! ÿeh, donde es alligator? Aha.
[ speaking spanish .]
Ow! Aah! Ay! Ay! [ speaking spanish .]
Thank you, ricardo.
Well, I hope that's covered under medical insurance.
Let's find out about the weather.
Let's go over to the weather desk With misty showers.
Misty? Well, thank you.
As you can see, We have a hot, hot, hot weekend in store here.
I've made us all some lemonade, It's going to be so hot.
Aah! We've got, uh, We've got some clouds moving in over the weekend.
Clouds moving Ting! Over the weekend.
Should be here probably around Thursday.
And, of course, uh, With the warm weather here, Always a good chance for you To enjoy your favorite meal, Whether it be pizza, Which I enjoy always having.
Pizza [ buzzer .]
Man.
I haven't seen colin run so fast Since free liquor day in toronto.
It almost made us forget all about wayne's spitting up.
I didn't forget.
Now let's go on to a game called "award shows.
" Brad and wayne are going to be presenters On an awards show, And you other two go in the audience there.
However, this is not an entertainment [ audience cheering .]
This is not an entertainment awards show, thank god.
It's an awards show for hillbillies.
So pretend it's the golden globes An awards show for hillbillies.
Uh, an awards show for hillbillies.
Go ahead, take it away.
Oh, it's so good to be here.
It's nice to see you again, larry.
It's great to see you, as well, todd.
You know, We wouldn't have banjoes, bluegrass, Moonshine, or inbreeding If it weren't for hillbillies In all the beautiful appalachian mountains, huh? Exactly.
So we'd like to welcome everyone To the divine swine awards tonight, Where we shall be handing out awards For the best in hillbillery.
That's right.
Who's going to take home the golden jug tonig, huh? Ha ha ha ha.
Speaking of golden jugs, I met your new wife.
Congratulations.
Thank you very much.
Yee-haw.
Well, we should get on to the awards now.
We should.
Our category is most outstanding hillbilly.
The first emmett and jonice willabaker From alamahachiehoochie, tennessee For "grab that swine.
" And luella and stephella peterson From chattahoochie skunklick falls For "don't drink that, it'll make you go blind.
" And finally, bosephus and mosephus bones From pigswalor, kentucky For "so what if we sleep in the same bunk bed?" The winner And the winner is Bosephus and mosephus bones for Together: "so what if we sleep in the same bunk bed?" [ imitates pig squealing .]
Hey, all right.
I'd ke to first thank my acting coach Ned beatty For all the marvelous work, And I'd like to thank the mother of my baby My mother.
Hey, I ain't judging you! Of course, we couldn't have got this far Without help from the man upstairs Old man johnson.
And the lord almighty For making us and others like us And putting us all in the same vicinity.
[ buzzer .]
We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?" Right after this.
Fa welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Hey, aren't you glad That everybody doesn't honk when they're horny? Let's keep the show going with a game called "if you know what I mean.
" This is for brad, colin, and ryan.
I love this game.
It's also a good fun party game.
When you're out drinking, you can play this game.
Ryan: If you want people to leave.
In this game, The performers are acting out a scene, But they must use as many obscure euphemisms And clichés related to the setting as possible.
The scene is, three track and field athletes Talk in the locker room after a big meet, And the game is called "if you know what it means.
" Take it away.
Whoo.
So, ralph, did you see that female pole vaulter? I'd like to pass her the baton, if you know what I mean.
I was too busy waxing my javelin, If you know what I mean.
I'm just glad I got time To air out my shot puts, If you know what I mean.
I got a score of 8 from the russian judge, If you know what I mean.
Whoo.
Whoo.
So, I saw you were, uh, Not quite running in your lane today, If you know what I mean.
I like to hop, skip, and jump occasionally, If you know what I mean.
Hey.
I know what you mean.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
I didn't want to say it.
I don't want to have to do any moves On your pommel horse, if you know what I'm saying.
Hey, come on, come on.
Don't make me chalk my hands, if you know what I mean.
I know what you both mean, But I'd like to tumble on somebody's mat, If you know what I'm saying.
I'll give that a 9, if you know what I mean.
I've got a 9, if you know what I mean.
I've been having trouble.
I've been Disqualified for an early start, If you know what I mean.
Well, why don't you just clean and jerk, If you know what I mean? Nothing better than a 200-pound [bleep.]
, If you know what I mean.
I don't, uh That's, uh, that's never going to make it to air, If you know what I mean.
[ buzzer .]
200-pound That is a weightlifting term.
Of course it is.
This show brought to you By the church of latter-day saints.
Hey, kids, how come you're not in bed right now? This is the last time You get to watch that show.
Yeah.
If you know what I mean.
Well, 200 pounds for each of you and, uh Move on to a game called "greatest hits.
" This is for everybody With laura hall, linda taylor, and cece worell.
Literally everybody on the show Is going to be playing this one for you.
What's going to happen is, Ryan and colin are going to be, like, tv pitchmen, Talking about a compilation album they're trying to sell, And brad and wayne are going to have to try to sing them.
They make up songs that these guys give them titles to.
What I need from the audience is a suggestion Of what you wanted to be when you grew up.
[ audience shouting .]
Traveling salesman.
I like the woman right there.
Traveling salesman the name of your album Is "songs of the traveling salesman.
" Take it away.
Knock, knock, knock.
Who's there? Traveling salesman.
Traveling salesman who? Traveling salesmen They travel the country far and wide.
They bring products to your door.
That's pretty handy, don't you think, col? It certainly is, ry.
I'm not sure how popular it is anymore.
Me neither.
But we have over 18,000 songs Celebrating the traveling salesman.
On one cd.
Very, very short songs.
And you know, colin What, ryan? We've all heard of yellow snow, But have you ever heard of bluegrass? What? One of my favorite song styles of all, colin, And I think one of my favorite bluegrass tunes has to be "is your husband home?" Wayne and brad: Yee-haw! well let me tell you, knock on the door oh, my goodness, hey, once more, are you alone? Is your husband home? let's get naked, let's go to bed yes, that's indeed what I said hey, there is your husband home? because, you see, it never fails I always meet women when I'm doin' my sale so open your door and let me in let's all have a little sex tell me is your husband home? Wow.
Wow, wow.
You know, no matter how often you say "wow," When you say it backwards, it's still wow.
You know, colin What, ryan? When I was a small boy growing up In the ghettoes of saskatchewan, We used to listen to blues on a regular basis.
What is it with you and the color blue? Colin, blues and bluegrass are two different things, And if you don't believe me, Listen to this blues hit, "brushes, encyclopedias, and vacuum cleaners.
" yeah I know we're not in-betweeners brushes, encyclopedias, and vacuum cleaners those are the things that I'm goin' to sell so open up your door and let me show so well I am not rude or obscene I'm selling brushes, encyclopedias and vacuum cleaners I sell britannicas, and I sell hoovers yeah and I sell brushes known as hair removers I sell them from st.
Louis I sell them to taiwan and then if you want you can buy it and get another one why? Because I sell encyclopedias, brushes, and cleaners cleaners yeah, yeah Fun fact You know, colin Yes, ryan.
I'm sorry I said "fun fact.
" That hurts me deep, deep in my Stomach? Heart? No.
In my Heart? Something you have Soul? Yes! In my soul.
Hey, wait a minute.
Soul is also a musical style.
Yes.
Sometimes blue.
I'll see you when we get back to the house.
I'll talk to you about it.
You'll talk to me, I'll talk to you.
Anyway You can keep your blue, blue, blue, blue, blue I want my who, who, who, who, who.
That's right The classic rock strains of the who.
It's not a question, it's the band.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
Oh, the who.
And who can forget guess who.
That's a canadian band.
They're different.
Who and guess who are different? Yes, who is just guess who.
Don't do that.
Guess who.
Don't do that.
Guess who.
Anyway Who can forget the great hit of the who "doorbell wizard"? people are knockin' at your door sellin' you the same crap they sold before from a little tiny brush to a stinky lizard talkin' about your doorbell wizard can you let me inside the door? can you let me inside the door? I'm not goin' to keep diggin' anymore not goin' to keep on diggin' no more don't you know I have perspired have perspired I'm a doorbell wizard, and I can't retire yeah, yeah doorbell wizard doorbell wizard doorbell wizard doorbell wizard [ buzzer .]
We'll be right back.
Don't go away.
Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight's winner colin mochrie! Colin mochrie is the winner.
We're going to do a game for you The rest of us it's called "props.
" I need the prop for me and ryan.
Okay, thank you.
You guys get your props.
And what happens is, We have to go back and forth and think of as many things As we can using these props, Starting with brad and wayne.
Look, I want to open the giant's next beer.
[ buzzer .]
Hi-de-ho, neighbor.
[ buzzer .]
Danger, will robinson, danger! William! [ buzzer .]
Big bird and the wife passed out.
[ buzzer .]
[ buzzer .]
Guess which 'nsync member I am.
[ buzzer .]
And I see billy and tommy and steve [ buzzer .]
Itsy-bitsy spider, my ass! Aah! Ah, look, it's the elephant's restroom.
Ah.
[ buzzer .]
Hey, uh, hey, honey, can you pop a zit? [ buzzer .]
Put another quarter in.
Click! [ buzzer .]
And tonight's winner colin mochrie, Ladies and gentlemen colin mochrie.
[ buzzer .]
Drew: Okay, thank you very much.
We'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this! Why don't you read the credits for us? And I want you to read the credits as a mercenary, Taking people out.
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
All right.
Uh, where's dan patterson? Oh, there he is.
Bang! Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to do that.
Tom parks is going to live.
Ruth phillips might go.
Drew carey definitely is going to die.
I'm taking care of him.
Steven blum is the associate director.
sinc by Gus
Colin mochrie! Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were a woman.
Ryan stiles! Hi, I'm your host drew carey.
Come on down.
Let's have some fun! Hello.
Hello, everybody.
How you doing? Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything is made up And the points don't matter.
That's right.
The points are like a bicycle-riding fish To a lesbian.
What? Oh Drew: Glad you got that.
Oh, yeah.
Now, let's start out With a game called "weird newscasters.
" This is for everybody.
Brad, you're going to be the anchor of a news show.
Brad, you're the anchor of a news show.
Colin, you're the co-anchor.
You panic over the slightest thing.
Wayne, you're doing the sports.
You're spanish tv's crocodile hunter.
Yes, I am.
Yes.
Ryan, you're doing the weather, And you're a mercenary, And you're on a mission to replace everyone else On the show.
I'm a mercenary, And I want to replace everybody else on the show.
Right.
That's what you want to do.
That's your mission.
So am I a missionary, or am I a mercenary? You're a mercenary who likes missionary.
So, whenever you hear the music, brad, Take it away, and let's go to the news.
[ music plays .]
Welcome to the 6:00 p.
M.
News.
I'm skip shaply.
Tonight's biggest story Financial analysts have figured out a way To take out a second mortgage on your home So that you can afford a full tank of gas.
And now, with the business desk, Please welcome baldy flapscalp.
Baldy? What do you mean baldy? Oh, my god! When did that happen? Turn the camera away.
Nope.
What are you doing? Thanks for that illuminating report, baldy.
Let's find out about sports.
Let's go over to the sports desk With ricardo balbon montez de la vasquez esaloca.
Buenas tardes, señores and señoritas.
Eh, donde pueda es Oh, ay, mamá! Gracias.
Oh, si, si, si.
Una alligator, oh, si mi saliva Oh, muy grande! ÿeh, donde es alligator? Aha.
[ speaking spanish .]
Ow! Aah! Ay! Ay! [ speaking spanish .]
Thank you, ricardo.
Well, I hope that's covered under medical insurance.
Let's find out about the weather.
Let's go over to the weather desk With misty showers.
Misty? Well, thank you.
As you can see, We have a hot, hot, hot weekend in store here.
I've made us all some lemonade, It's going to be so hot.
Aah! We've got, uh, We've got some clouds moving in over the weekend.
Clouds moving Ting! Over the weekend.
Should be here probably around Thursday.
And, of course, uh, With the warm weather here, Always a good chance for you To enjoy your favorite meal, Whether it be pizza, Which I enjoy always having.
Pizza [ buzzer .]
Man.
I haven't seen colin run so fast Since free liquor day in toronto.
It almost made us forget all about wayne's spitting up.
I didn't forget.
Now let's go on to a game called "award shows.
" Brad and wayne are going to be presenters On an awards show, And you other two go in the audience there.
However, this is not an entertainment [ audience cheering .]
This is not an entertainment awards show, thank god.
It's an awards show for hillbillies.
So pretend it's the golden globes An awards show for hillbillies.
Uh, an awards show for hillbillies.
Go ahead, take it away.
Oh, it's so good to be here.
It's nice to see you again, larry.
It's great to see you, as well, todd.
You know, We wouldn't have banjoes, bluegrass, Moonshine, or inbreeding If it weren't for hillbillies In all the beautiful appalachian mountains, huh? Exactly.
So we'd like to welcome everyone To the divine swine awards tonight, Where we shall be handing out awards For the best in hillbillery.
That's right.
Who's going to take home the golden jug tonig, huh? Ha ha ha ha.
Speaking of golden jugs, I met your new wife.
Congratulations.
Thank you very much.
Yee-haw.
Well, we should get on to the awards now.
We should.
Our category is most outstanding hillbilly.
The first emmett and jonice willabaker From alamahachiehoochie, tennessee For "grab that swine.
" And luella and stephella peterson From chattahoochie skunklick falls For "don't drink that, it'll make you go blind.
" And finally, bosephus and mosephus bones From pigswalor, kentucky For "so what if we sleep in the same bunk bed?" The winner And the winner is Bosephus and mosephus bones for Together: "so what if we sleep in the same bunk bed?" [ imitates pig squealing .]
Hey, all right.
I'd ke to first thank my acting coach Ned beatty For all the marvelous work, And I'd like to thank the mother of my baby My mother.
Hey, I ain't judging you! Of course, we couldn't have got this far Without help from the man upstairs Old man johnson.
And the lord almighty For making us and others like us And putting us all in the same vicinity.
[ buzzer .]
We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?" Right after this.
Fa welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Hey, aren't you glad That everybody doesn't honk when they're horny? Let's keep the show going with a game called "if you know what I mean.
" This is for brad, colin, and ryan.
I love this game.
It's also a good fun party game.
When you're out drinking, you can play this game.
Ryan: If you want people to leave.
In this game, The performers are acting out a scene, But they must use as many obscure euphemisms And clichés related to the setting as possible.
The scene is, three track and field athletes Talk in the locker room after a big meet, And the game is called "if you know what it means.
" Take it away.
Whoo.
So, ralph, did you see that female pole vaulter? I'd like to pass her the baton, if you know what I mean.
I was too busy waxing my javelin, If you know what I mean.
I'm just glad I got time To air out my shot puts, If you know what I mean.
I got a score of 8 from the russian judge, If you know what I mean.
Whoo.
Whoo.
So, I saw you were, uh, Not quite running in your lane today, If you know what I mean.
I like to hop, skip, and jump occasionally, If you know what I mean.
Hey.
I know what you mean.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
I didn't want to say it.
I don't want to have to do any moves On your pommel horse, if you know what I'm saying.
Hey, come on, come on.
Don't make me chalk my hands, if you know what I mean.
I know what you both mean, But I'd like to tumble on somebody's mat, If you know what I'm saying.
I'll give that a 9, if you know what I mean.
I've got a 9, if you know what I mean.
I've been having trouble.
I've been Disqualified for an early start, If you know what I mean.
Well, why don't you just clean and jerk, If you know what I mean? Nothing better than a 200-pound [bleep.]
, If you know what I mean.
I don't, uh That's, uh, that's never going to make it to air, If you know what I mean.
[ buzzer .]
200-pound That is a weightlifting term.
Of course it is.
This show brought to you By the church of latter-day saints.
Hey, kids, how come you're not in bed right now? This is the last time You get to watch that show.
Yeah.
If you know what I mean.
Well, 200 pounds for each of you and, uh Move on to a game called "greatest hits.
" This is for everybody With laura hall, linda taylor, and cece worell.
Literally everybody on the show Is going to be playing this one for you.
What's going to happen is, Ryan and colin are going to be, like, tv pitchmen, Talking about a compilation album they're trying to sell, And brad and wayne are going to have to try to sing them.
They make up songs that these guys give them titles to.
What I need from the audience is a suggestion Of what you wanted to be when you grew up.
[ audience shouting .]
Traveling salesman.
I like the woman right there.
Traveling salesman the name of your album Is "songs of the traveling salesman.
" Take it away.
Knock, knock, knock.
Who's there? Traveling salesman.
Traveling salesman who? Traveling salesmen They travel the country far and wide.
They bring products to your door.
That's pretty handy, don't you think, col? It certainly is, ry.
I'm not sure how popular it is anymore.
Me neither.
But we have over 18,000 songs Celebrating the traveling salesman.
On one cd.
Very, very short songs.
And you know, colin What, ryan? We've all heard of yellow snow, But have you ever heard of bluegrass? What? One of my favorite song styles of all, colin, And I think one of my favorite bluegrass tunes has to be "is your husband home?" Wayne and brad: Yee-haw! well let me tell you, knock on the door oh, my goodness, hey, once more, are you alone? Is your husband home? let's get naked, let's go to bed yes, that's indeed what I said hey, there is your husband home? because, you see, it never fails I always meet women when I'm doin' my sale so open your door and let me in let's all have a little sex tell me is your husband home? Wow.
Wow, wow.
You know, no matter how often you say "wow," When you say it backwards, it's still wow.
You know, colin What, ryan? When I was a small boy growing up In the ghettoes of saskatchewan, We used to listen to blues on a regular basis.
What is it with you and the color blue? Colin, blues and bluegrass are two different things, And if you don't believe me, Listen to this blues hit, "brushes, encyclopedias, and vacuum cleaners.
" yeah I know we're not in-betweeners brushes, encyclopedias, and vacuum cleaners those are the things that I'm goin' to sell so open up your door and let me show so well I am not rude or obscene I'm selling brushes, encyclopedias and vacuum cleaners I sell britannicas, and I sell hoovers yeah and I sell brushes known as hair removers I sell them from st.
Louis I sell them to taiwan and then if you want you can buy it and get another one why? Because I sell encyclopedias, brushes, and cleaners cleaners yeah, yeah Fun fact You know, colin Yes, ryan.
I'm sorry I said "fun fact.
" That hurts me deep, deep in my Stomach? Heart? No.
In my Heart? Something you have Soul? Yes! In my soul.
Hey, wait a minute.
Soul is also a musical style.
Yes.
Sometimes blue.
I'll see you when we get back to the house.
I'll talk to you about it.
You'll talk to me, I'll talk to you.
Anyway You can keep your blue, blue, blue, blue, blue I want my who, who, who, who, who.
That's right The classic rock strains of the who.
It's not a question, it's the band.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
Oh, the who.
And who can forget guess who.
That's a canadian band.
They're different.
Who and guess who are different? Yes, who is just guess who.
Don't do that.
Guess who.
Don't do that.
Guess who.
Anyway Who can forget the great hit of the who "doorbell wizard"? people are knockin' at your door sellin' you the same crap they sold before from a little tiny brush to a stinky lizard talkin' about your doorbell wizard can you let me inside the door? can you let me inside the door? I'm not goin' to keep diggin' anymore not goin' to keep on diggin' no more don't you know I have perspired have perspired I'm a doorbell wizard, and I can't retire yeah, yeah doorbell wizard doorbell wizard doorbell wizard doorbell wizard [ buzzer .]
We'll be right back.
Don't go away.
Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight's winner colin mochrie! Colin mochrie is the winner.
We're going to do a game for you The rest of us it's called "props.
" I need the prop for me and ryan.
Okay, thank you.
You guys get your props.
And what happens is, We have to go back and forth and think of as many things As we can using these props, Starting with brad and wayne.
Look, I want to open the giant's next beer.
[ buzzer .]
Hi-de-ho, neighbor.
[ buzzer .]
Danger, will robinson, danger! William! [ buzzer .]
Big bird and the wife passed out.
[ buzzer .]
[ buzzer .]
Guess which 'nsync member I am.
[ buzzer .]
And I see billy and tommy and steve [ buzzer .]
Itsy-bitsy spider, my ass! Aah! Ah, look, it's the elephant's restroom.
Ah.
[ buzzer .]
Hey, uh, hey, honey, can you pop a zit? [ buzzer .]
Put another quarter in.
Click! [ buzzer .]
And tonight's winner colin mochrie, Ladies and gentlemen colin mochrie.
[ buzzer .]
Drew: Okay, thank you very much.
We'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this! Why don't you read the credits for us? And I want you to read the credits as a mercenary, Taking people out.
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
All right.
Uh, where's dan patterson? Oh, there he is.
Bang! Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to do that.
Tom parks is going to live.
Ruth phillips might go.
Drew carey definitely is going to die.
I'm taking care of him.
Steven blum is the associate director.
sinc by Gus