Workaholics s03e18 Episode Script

- Lair.
- Ooh.
- Wow.
Ho, ho! Whoo! - Big man.
- D&D, baby! - Unleashing the dragon.
Whoo.
- I'm gonna go get, uh - I'm gonna go get more.
- Whoo.
Man, I had no idea Dungeons & Dragons was this intense.
No, no, no, man, this isn't that, this is this is Drinking & Drag-ons.
- Right.
- Drag, get it? - Sorry.
- Yeah.
What you do is you you roll the 1d20, you take a hit of the weed, and then you drink for however many seconds you rolled on the die.
Yeah, no, I know, we've been playing for, like, three hours.
- Here we go.
- Guys, I thought Oh! I like that! You think you can handle this one, - Dungeon Mas-Ders? - Placing the thumb - on the hole - You got this? Ooh, as the wizard casts a fireball onto the weed.
And then and sips from his frosty brewth.
One, two, three! Ooh Where's the s-smoke, dude? You even hit it? I did, yeah.
Hit it hard.
Oh, my God.
- Great job.
Great.
All right.
- Thank you.
My turn.
Here we go.
- Big roll, critical hit, baby! - Go, go, go, go, go, go Rollin'! Ah, it skips me.
Adam! - Adam! - Adam! Adam! - Adam.
- What's he doing? Yo.
Look at this breakfast burrito.
Grandma flora claims it's her heightened sense of smell that helped her create what many call the best breakfast burrito in America.
We gots to get it.
Oh, I'd love to squirt some crystals hot sauce into that sucker.
I want that in my mouth.
Dude, it's only, like, 100 miles away.
Ders, drive us.
I can't, man, I've been drinking for 10 hours.
Yeah? Uh, we could just find somebody to drive us, though.
- Right? 100 miles? - Yeah.
Who would drive us 100 miles to get a breakfast burrito on a Friday night? I came as soon as my shift ended.
Where's where's the fire? Not here, it's at a blind old lady's restaurant, and if we don't get there soon, she's gonna burn alive.
Okay.
Buckle up, boys.
Pop, pop, pop, go-go paparazzi Jillian, the tree! The curb! The car!! - Yeah.
- Okay, they are closed.
- Want me check the hours on this? - What? Oh, that seems like a thing that you're supposed to do.
Aw, fudge.
I tried to yelp it, but I got no bars.
'cept for when I rap, obviously.
- Obviously.
- Check it out.
Grandma comes home at 6:00 a.
m.
Oh, that's only four hours.
I say we drive home, hang for I mean, it's not too long to wait here, right? We could always eat some of Adam's Jack Link's.
- Come on.
Jerk me off, bro.
- Oh, yeah.
- Let's do it.
- Mm, no.
My Jack Link's? I don't think so.
I have it rationed off to nine small-to-medium-sized meals per day.
I'm trying to bulk up for the amateur strongman competition.
- That's right.
I knew that.
- True.
I already have a ton of the pure strength, just not a lot of the muscles.
And also a lot of the pure strength.
Those guys are very strong.
You're really still chasing that dream, you fat chunk? Ders.
Is that a challenge, Ders? No, that don't take that as I want nothing to Challenge accepted.
I'll show you how strong I am.
Okay.
- Here, hold this.
- Oh, man.
Yah! Pure power.
Sure.
- Oh - Okay, all right.
Whoo! Adam, come on, you're hurting the beer, buddy.
You've never done this before, have you? What does that mean? It means give me the keg, sit down, suck your thumb, and watch mama toss.
Whoa! She's calling you out! - Who's calling you out? - Oh, check two.
I used to dominate the caber toss at the annual Celtic Fest.
Actually got a tattoo that says, - "life is a caber-net.
" - No doubt.
Well, Jillian, I don't mean to be a male chauffeur, but there is no way that you could throw farther than I.
Because you are a girl, and girls are mentally and physically unsuperior.
- Yeah, I don't care, Adam.
- Good luck.
- You okay? - Good form.
Might've tweaked something, actually.
- Whoa.
- Oh.
- Oh! - Whoa, truck! - Yes! - Oh.
That's how you caber toss! - Uh-oh.
Oh! - Oh, God.
- Oh, hell, no.
- No, no, no.
- It's all right.
- No, Der It probably just wants to play.
Oh, my God, what do we do? Ders, Ders, Ders! Oh, no, I'm not going! Go, Jillian, get him! Get him! - Oh, God, oh, God.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you just gave that dog my jerky! That dog was gonna kill my ass! Very selfish of you, Ders! Whoa! Ow! - Ow! - Ow, ow! Come on.
Don't move.
Okay? If you don't move, he can't see you.
He's just like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park.
Dogs are idiots.
Good thing this isn't a pig or a dolphin.
- We'd be worm food.
- Shh! Shut up! Okay, let's go find the restaurant.
Yes.
How? Which way did we come from? - That's easy, we - Oh, yeah, right over here.
Over there.
- No.
- This way.
Well, I might be turned around, huh? Oh, God.
[Groans.]
Okay, no signal, no maps, nothing.
What does that mean, we're stuck out here? Shh, be quiet.
Honestly, guys, if things get really, really bad, I will not hesitate to eat one of you.
Okay? But not your penises or your boobs because I respect you guys so much.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Thanks, man.
That's too bad.
I got a feast down here.
Relax, you're not gonna have to eat anybody, all right? Guys, I was an Eagle Scout.
I got this, okay? Two months I trained with them before they kicked me out and I became a Beagle Scout, which is something I invented.
That sounds awesome, dude.
It was just an excuse, so I could get in the city parade.
It was cool, I had this neighbor kid who had some beagles, and we would pick up the hind legs and walk down the street and wave at people.
Oh, that would look funny.
It was awesome.
- It was cool, so - Cool story, bro.
Okay, all right, all right, all right.
We cannot go up this hill, it's way too slick.
We gotta climb that rock wall or hike who knows how far down that path.
I'm thinking we should climb.
Yeah, unfortunately, Ders is right.
Hiking sounds like garbage right now.
All these stupid-ass trees.
I say someone should chop 'em all down, make an American eagle here.
Oh, I love their new spring stuff.
I'm trying to get my hand on some new carpenter pants.
That would look nice on you, Adam.
They're comfortable, you can put tools in 'em.
Whoo! Okay, guys, you got this.
And remember, Adam and I we're right here just in case.
Yup, in case you fall to your death.
- All right? - Let's do it.
Whoo! Yeah, you first.
- Hurry up.
- You got it.
- All right, here we go.
- Just get your toe in there.
You got this.
Yup, just grab there, put your foot there, nice.
- Yeah, don't be afraid.
- If I fall, I'm gonna be pissed.
You'll be all right.
We're right here.
- And I just grab there - Look at him go.
And a-one, and a-two, and a - Wow.
Spider dudes.
I feel like I'm on top of the aggro crag! Come on, spill your guts! Come on.
You guys were right, it's easy peasy.
- Come on up.
- Okay, yeah, sure.
- All right.
Whoo! Yeah! - So we're coming up.
I can't How did you - All right, be careful.
- Ow! I'm gonna slip.
I'm slipping! Hey, no.
You got this.
Come on.
I'm coming down.
Help me come down.
- You don't want a boost? - No, please help me come down.
- Okay.
- Oh! Jeebus! All right.
Whoo! Yeah, there must've been a tectonic shift in the rocks - after you guys - Sure.
- We're gonna hike around.
- Yeah.
And, uh, we'll come up, and we'll save you in a minute.
- Okay.
- Hur hurry up! - Slow down, dude.
- No.
Blake and Jillian won't survive much longer.
They both use roll-on deodorant.
That stuff is like wild animal nip.
What about our survival, Ders, huh? I'm starving to death ever since you ripped the beef jerky out of my hands.
- You gave it to me.
- Yeah.
And then you handed it to a dog when you should've handed it to my belly 'cause dogs can't sniff through bellies.
Dogs do not have belly sense, Ders! Idiot.
Stupid woods! I'm gonna die in the stupid woods! - Not helping.
- I hate the stupid woo What was that? That was a car door in the stupid woods.
- That's a military jeep! - Whoa.
Oh, my God, it was probably abandoned here during the Golf War.
No, definitely not.
It's a Geo Tracker.
My mom used to have one.
Said she was gonna give it to me, but Never happened.
Yeah, she probably drove it during the Golf War.
Technically.
Time to tee off.
Get that? It's a Golf War reference.
I understand it.
Ahh Crush! Another planet devoured by the mighty Galactus.
This is nice.
We never get alone time like this.
I hear ya.
I wish Ders and Adam were here too.
So, um, like, are you scared that the dog is gonna come back? Oh, pssh, no.
Come on.
That thing's probably long gone, looking for food or something.
That's easy for you to say.
My parents were eaten by dogs.
At least that's what my foster parents told me.
Whoa, that's that's heavy.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no, don't be.
Apparently it happened way before I was born.
Ah.
Look, if you're still scared, I can go make you some camouflage.
Really? Yeah, we'll get you to blend in.
I mean, if you think that'll be yah! Oh, classic! Okay, go ahead and rub that around.
I'm gonna go get some sticks and leaves.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Jillian.
It's ditch weed.
It's weed! Yes! Thank you, based God! Praise Allah! Yes! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, I just want it to smell all over me.
- All right.
Oh, God.
Here we go.
I'm gonna go around and get it started.
Wait no, I was supposed to do that.
Ow, let's go, Ders! Do I need to get back there and help push this bitch? That would be nice! Well, I'm a little busy steering the starship, buddy.
All right, now we're cooking.
- You got it? - Ders, get in! I got it! - Coming around, coming around.
- I got it.
Whoo! No thanks to you.
A little help from you.
- Good job.
- All right, okay.
All right, wait, turn the lights on; It's pretty dark.
All right.
Lights! Lights on! Man, this technology is dated, dude.
Just use the lever right there on the side.
Oh, okay, control, lights on.
There it is! - Lights on! - Hit the brakes! I'm hitting them! I'm bailing! What? What? Adam! Aah! Oh, God.
Yeah, that thing is scootin'.
It's like the lovebug.
Hey, when you said, "Hit the brakes" Yeah.
Did you mean the left brakes or the right brakes? Whoo.
It's been a long time since I've driven.
Oh, hell, yeah, ditch Weed.
Ahh.
Oh, uh, did you want to hit the pipe cone? Oh, no, I'm not a big pot person.
But I feel like one time I saw someone blowing smoke into someone else's mouth.
Is that a thing? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah? That's called shotgunning.
You actually get way higher when you do that.
Oh, cool.
Would you want to try it? - With you? Yeah yes.
- Yeah.
Totally.
- I mean, whatever, sure, yeah.
- All right, yeah.
- All right, come on, get close.
- Okay.
Now open your mouth.
Blow my mind, Blakey.
- Mm - Heck, yes! All right.
All right, now, hold your breath as long as you can, okay? This stuff's kinda weak, so I'm just gonna just help that THC get into your brain, okay? - Mm - Okay? Yeah! That's helping.
Oh, yeah.
You are gonna feel like a zombie after this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just 60 more seconds.
You feeling anything? Feeling anything? Yup! Mad hit, Jillian, you look zoned out! Jillian.
Uh-oh.
Hello, this is a little forest elf.
Wake up, Jillian.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, just through here.
Blake and Jillian gotta be close.
This sucks, dude! - I know.
- I'm starving to death.
Our car ran away.
My body's withering away into a boy body when I should have a fully grown man body! - Yeah.
- Look for berries or any sort of like, if we can find a rabbit, I would I'm not looking for rabbits.
Oh, look what I found.
Got him.
Oh, I got him.
Adam, what are you doing? Whatever it takes.
Oh, come on! Jesus.
Actually, not bad.
Pretty good, kinda tastes like lobster with skin.
That's good to know.
Can we please vamonos? Why didn't you tell me nature lizards were so delicious? - All right.
- Mm.
You're probably a little embarrassed that I'm more of a survival master than you are, huh? First lesson in nature, they're not called "nature lizards.
" Just "lizards.
" Well, they're not city lizards.
No, they're not.
I'm in the nature, and I found a lizard.
Henceforth, therefore, it is a nature lizard.
You're probably too scared to eat one.
Not scared.
By the way, if we call them "city lizards," they'd be Mondo Gecko.
That's a whole different thing I'll get into later because I am a survival master.
- I'll find a - There.
- Here we go.
See? - There's one.
Yeah.
Eat it.
Not scared.
- In my mouth.
I didn't think you were gonna do that.
They're not bad, right? At first they're a little gushy.
It's like one of those gushers.
But they don't taste like berries or artificial flavors, they taste like Nutrients.
What's wrong? - You okay? - No.
- You gotta use your teeth, bud.
- It's caught - Use your teeth.
- You've eaten food before.
- Oh, God! Oh, it's coming out your nose! - What? - The tail's out! I got it! I got it! Oh, God! - Get it! Get it! - No ow ow! Oh, my God, she's dead.
I gotta dig a grave.
Gotta dig a grave.
Just dig a grave.
- Oh, God.
- Oh! Oh, Jillian! Hey! There you are, buddy.
Did that go how it was supposed to go? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Yeah, yeah, no, that's that's that's it.
I got high.
- You got so high! You - Oh! - Hey, hey.
It's okay.
It's just a coyote.
Really, really far away coyote.
What if there are others, closer? They're wild animals, Blake.
Jillian, we're wild animals too, all right? There is a wild animal inside of you.
- You think? - Hell, yeah.
You kidding me? And you probably got something like just crazy, just a savage beast inside of you.
What do you think it is? Oh, I-I don't know.
A lion? Oh, yeah! Totally! - Yeah? - You are so a lion.
Well, a lioness.
- Yeah, 'cause of the - I'm Vagina thing.
- A lady.
- Yeah.
Come on, yeah.
Let's hear it.
Let's hear your lioness roar.
No, what? What if what if the killer dog hears us? Well, then, that killer dog's gonna have to have to fight Jillian the lioness! And, uh and Blake the Mastodon! - Yeah! - Oh, yeah! Yeah, that's That's cool, Jillian, I never seen this side of you.
You got a You got a wild side, girl.
- Kinda like it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
So what makes you a mastodon? Is it 'cause of your big, giant trunk? No, I have to take a mastodon-sized crap.
Hold down the fort, Lioness Jillian.
- All right.
- Whoa.
- It's coming out already.
- Oh.
- What was that? - Oh, my God.
It's the dog! I don't care, man, let it come for us.
Come on, dude.
Don't be such a baby.
Just because mother nature whipped out her delicious mammary and sprayed nature lizard milk down my throat, and all she wants to do is murder you.
You must feel bad about that.
No.
We are men! We are doing this! We are men in the woods, and we're doing this! All right.
Men in the woods, and we're doing this! We are men in the woods and we're doing this! Okay, ow.
I think I hurt my ankle.
- Hey! Guess what.
I wasn't back there taking a mastodon dump.
I was changing my animal to better match your lioness.
I'm Blake The dire wolf.
Ooh, I like that.
Did you know that when the dude wolf engages in sex, his genitals swell up? - Oh, that's very coo - I wasn't finished.
Oh.
His genitals swell up, and he Hooks into the chick wolf, and she can't get away for up to 20 minutes.
Pretty cool, huh? Well, yeah, but I'm a lioness.
Oh, I know.
But haven't you always wanted to see two different animals doing it? - Yes.
- Me too.
So what do you say? Permission to hug ya? Hook it up, Blake.
I can't wait to tell the dudes about this.
- Wait, what? - Huh? No.
No, you can't tell them.
- What? - You can't tell anybody.
- No.
- Wha that's what you do.
You nail the girl to the wall, you tell the buddies back home.
Come on, you're the lioness, I'm the wolf! We're gonna rule the Telamericorp jungle! I'll let you eat my butt on top of the photocopier.
N wait no, Blake, we have to think about this.
Okay? Just just let's not rush.
- What? - We need to think come on, wild animals they don't think! They just Do each other! Now, come on! Life's short.
Kiss hard.
- What does that even mean? - I'm gonna bite your ass! - Stop No, wait don't, please.
Bad wolf! No! No! Okay, Blake, I love you, but you're coming off a teensy bit rapey.
- What are you talking about? - No! No! - Being men.
- All right.
I could I want some of that that teat milk or whatever.
- Whoo.
- Get off of me, you wolf! - It's got Jillian.
- Find weapons find a weapon.
- Weapons? - Find a weapon.
- What? Yup.
You ready to quit being a pussy and start being that scout thing I think I remember you talking about? Oh, come on.
Oh, no, bad wolf! You know this.
Get off of me, wolf! Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho Stab it in the head! Right in the eye socket! - Blake, Jillian? - Guys? Was a dog here attacking you? What are you doing? Uh-oh, I can taste my brain in my nose.
Jillian, are you okay? Did we save your life? Yeah what? Nobody hooked anyone.
- We were just I - Shh! Shut up! What? I smell burritos.
Follow the leader.
That's me in this situation; I'm the leader.
Yeah.
I'm the leader in this situation.
We're going this way.
That was the wrong way.
- The leader says go this way.
- Go, Jillian! Oh, there it is! Oh, it's open! All right, I'm gonna go get my hot sauce from the car.
My crystals.
- Crystals.
- You guys order for me.
Yeah, I'll get you the pizza.
I'm just joking.
But what if I wasn't? You'd be like, "What're you talkin' 'bout, William?" Looks like I won't be needing you anymore, little guy.
Have a nice life.
Wait, what's that? You miss your brothers? Okay.
Oh.
Here we go.
Crystal time.
Very cool.
All right, I've had just about enough of this! So I'm gonna give you one chance to turn around! Right now! Walk away.
Let's do this.
Come on.
Come on, you bitch! Mmm.
- This isn't that good, is it? - Mm-mm.
It's not good.
You could drown it in the salsa, but the salsa tastes like there's a cup of dirt in it.
Hey.
So you're okay? Yeah.
I'm okay.
Are are you? Yeah, I'm okay.
Like, okay-okay.
Definitely.
Totally okay.
- Yeah.
- I'm okay too.
In case you guys care, so I was out there as well.
Oh, hope you're enjoying your breakfast burritos.
And if you could, por favor, keep eye out for Gus.
Haven't seen him around.
I haven't seen your buddy Gus either, but there is a chance that he was eaten by a wild dog that I just murdered in the parking lot.
- Ay.
- I just murdered it.
I got it.
This this dog? This one? You killed my dog? Hello?