American Housewife (2016) s03e19 Episode Script

1 So, does your family's business only manufacture corrugated cardboard? Or do they also make binder's board, counterboard, solid bleached board You Googled "types of cardboard" before this, didn't you? I make time for the things I care about.
Same.
That's why I spent all day with you.
[Exhales sharply.]
I had a really nice time.
See you at school, Ollie.
[Door creaks.]
So, things are getting pretty serious, "Ollie.
" Call me that again and we start looking for retirement homes this weekend.
But, yeah.
She's great.
- Nice, smart - And rich.
Yeah, but they're "make their kids drive old Mercedes to keep them grounded" rich.
Not my favorite kind of rich, but I still like her.
Is all this stuff for Anna-Kat's playdate this weekend? Yeah.
These are popular girls.
They can make Anna-Kat.
This playdate has to be amazing.
I'm sure they're gonna have fun.
Fun isn't enough.
It has to be the best playdate of their lives.
I'm going to buy goodie bags.
It doesn't matter how rich a kid is.
You put 4 bucks of crap in a little bag, they go nuts.
I know I'm grounded, but can I go to Trip's game tomorrow? I don't know.
Is Trip's game tomorrow two weeks in the future, where you're not grounded anymore? - Um - No, you can't go.
Why can't you punish me when I have nothing going on? You think I like doing this? Well, I do like doing this.
But I also have to.
It's my responsibility as a parent.
You'll understand someday.
Fine-ah! - [Footsteps depart.]
- Why is she grounded? Her back-talk is out of control.
Don't forget to return your library books today.
You have your own bedroom! Why do you have to live up my ass?! [Sighs.]
It's gonna be a hell of a weekend the kind that can destroy a parent.
But I've got it.
That's why they pay me the big imaginary bucks.
[Swallows burp.]
[Exhales sharply.]
Are you okay? You don't look so hot.
I feel a little off.
I'll be fine.
Have to be.
There's nothing to worry about.
[Gasps.]
[Vomiting.]
You couldn't throw up on the garbage disposal side? - [Groans softly.]
- Ugh.
I'm sick.
And I am in charge of Anna-Kat's playdate tomorrow.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
So, ask Greg.
He has a work thing.
Mm.
You just let us know what you need.
Oh, really? What do you guys have going on tomorrow? - Oh, um, well, we're going to a - We're Guys, you there? Guys, I know the screen didn't freeze.
Everyone is moving around you.
The waiter is filling your coffee.
Ugh, fine.
I wouldn't do it for you, either.
Bye, Katie.
We love you.
- Feel better! - Mwah.
- Whoa.
- What whoa? It's none of your concern.
You seem to be confusing me with someone you can say that to.
[Sighs.]
Gina Tuscadero? "Home from Deervale.
Want to hang?" You are not really thinking of seeing her, are you? I don't know.
Mm.
She broke your heart.
You laid curled up on this couch for two months moaning about it.
It was pretty pathetic.
You did the exact same thing when McDreamy was killed off "Grey's.
" Someone died, Oliver.
Besides, now you're seeing Brie, who hasn't lied to your face, broken your heart, and made you cry so hard, you did this.
[Imitating sobbing.]
You promised you'd never bring that up again.
Just to be clear, Gina is not allowed in this house.
I am adding her to the banned list, along with gluten-free Girl Scout cookies.
I mean, this is America, isn't it? - I made you some soup.
- [Groans.]
How you feeling? - Not great.
- Mm.
I have to keep an eye on Oliver and Taylor - and oversee Anna-Kat's playdate.
- Mm.
How's your work thing? I have to go see my assistant's stand-up comedy show.
That's your big work thing? This is my chance to finally get rid of him.
If Grant makes it in comedy, he'll quit for sure.
Wouldn't it be easier just to fire him? Trust me, it's easier to nurture his passion for stand-up.
You know him.
He's kind of unstable and obsessed with me.
The other day, right as we were getting off the phone, he said, "I love you.
" Caught me by surprise, so I said, "I love you, too.
" Now he's got me saying it every time.
- Grant.
- [Breathes sharply.]
About your showcase I'm so glad you're coming.
And I can't wait for our post-show hug, which I think will go something like this.
Mm.
Let's not get carried away.
[Sighs.]
Maybe you're right.
Is my dream of fame a mistake? You know what? I'll just stay here with you in this office, forever.
No.
No, no, uh, no.
You love comedy.
Let's make a time capsule, right now, to commemorate the day we decided to grow old together.
I'll put in my undershirt.
Stop.
You need this.
You need to get up on that stage.
And then you need to get up on other stages stages far away from this university.
And laughter is the universal language, so you could go anywhere like Russia.
You could go to Russia.
Thank you for your support, Professor Otto.
Oh.
I need a ride.
I can't drive.
My peripheral vision is not what it used to be.
Plus, I have three DUIs.
[Door creaks shut.]
So, you still have to get the goodie bags for Anna-Kat's playdate.
Actually, I couldn't cancel on Grant.
I wanted to tell you last night, but you were sleeping.
Well, I can't reschedule this playdate it took a month to get it on the books.
Don't worry I found someone who can sub in for you.
KATHRYN: Katie? Please tell me it's anyone but my mother.
Tell me it's the guy who sells pickles by the off-ramp.
Oh, come on.
When you're under the weather, - there's nothing better than a mom.
- [Door creaks lightly.]
Hi, honey.
Ew! You're sick.
[Groans.]
W-Why didn't you tell me she was sick? Brought you some ginger ale.
- Ah.
- [Glass thumps lightly.]
How are things with Dad? Good, good.
We cuddle on the couch every night.
Oh, that's nice.
Actually, we don't have any choice.
The apartment is so small that there's only room for the one stupid love seat.
I need to show you the stuff for Anna-Kat's playdate.
There's a binder.
- Seriously? - Mom, please.
I need you not to suck at this.
Oh, relax.
- I raised you, didn't I? - Not really.
You were never home.
I was alone while you were traveling around, boozing it up at airport bars.
Ah, good times, good times.
Everything's in the binder.
- Please just follow the instructions.
- It's a playdate.
[Chuckling.]
God, parents these days.
They're They're just so uptight about everything.
Secondhand smoke made you the woman you are.
This is my kid.
And I need you to do it my way.
And I need you to make sure that Taylor doesn't leave the house.
And keep Oliver away from his ex-girlfriend Gina.
- Got it.
- [Binder closes.]
And you need to relax.
- [Pills rattling.]
- Just take it easy.
Uh, here.
Just take this.
Hm.
It's got a bit of a bite to it, so probably best if you don't try to get out of bed.
A bite? What did you give me? Uh, it's off-label, uh, flu medication.
Yeah, I take them whenever I'm feeling a little run down.
But most people use it to sedate gorillas for transport.
Wait! The goodie bags.
You got to get them from the store.
- Well, that's not gonna happen.
- It has to happen! They are the most impor They're the the Wha What is happening? Yeah, that pill kicks in pretty quick, huh? Oh, yeah.
You know, I sanded the slow-down coating off of them.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- Oh.
Must be the girls.
Just a Just a [Echoing.]
Oh.
Those pills are a fun ride.
[Deep, distorted voice.]
I wish I could join you.
Mnh.
Did my mom give you instructions? Who can say? Well, what should we do? Go play outside now.
Good girls.
Here we go.
Hey, did Mom say anything about us? Uh, your mom isn't saying anything.
I gave her kind of a strong pill.
Yeah, uh, the FDA banned it after some people who took it forgot math.
[Chuckles.]
Not just how to do it, but what it is.
- [Cellphone rings.]
- Oh.
This is interesting.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, why don't you two watch each other? I'll be in the office.
- Watch each other, huh? - [Door closes.]
Hey, do I have your permission to invite Gina over? Absolutely.
Do I have your permission to go to Trip's game? By all means.
Wow.
Parenting is so easy.
All you got to do is throw in a "Greeeeg!" [Imitating Greg.]
Yes, honey.
I'm sorry, honey.
Mom? Where do you think you're going? Party store.
I gotta get "goobie" bags.
You're in no condition to be driving.
You're sick.
And, more importantly, Grandma's got you rollin' hard.
- Whatever.
- Don't you "whatever" me! I am taking these, you're going back to bed, and that's that.
No, I'm fine to drive.
Get off of me.
- I said, get off! - Fine! Ugh! [Groaning.]
Ah! "What's the deal with trail mix? It's just M&M's that are hard to get to, ammiright?" You just need to be yourself up there.
- Forget about the note cards.
- [Stammering.]
- Forget the cards.
Forget the cards.
- Thank you.
Just forget the cards.
Forget the cards.
Tell stories about your life.
That's what people can relate to.
Come from a place of truth.
Truth.
Okay.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? I have IBS.
It's extremely painful and inconvenient.
[Chuckles.]
Why aren't you laughing? [Doorbell rings.]
Mm.
[Door creaks.]
Dan! [Laughs.]
How lucky that I was in town when you texted.
- Oh, and I see you, uh, brought - [Door creaks shut.]
- Mittens.
You remember Mittens.
- Mittens, yeah.
I've been wanting to talk to you.
So much has happened since you came to see me.
Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry to see about your parents on Facebook.
- Yeah.
One went right after the other.
- Mm.
They left all the money to the cats and not me.
- [Mittens meows.]
- Oh? Of course, they also made me the executor, - so joke's on them.
- [Door opens.]
- Oh, right.
- Cats just bought a new place in Aspen.
- [Laughs.]
- [Door closes.]
Grandma? Oh, uh, Dan, why don't you just wait in my office while I get rid of the nightlight crew? [Door creaks.]
What are you three doing here? We got cold.
And there aren't any good toys.
There are sticks.
Hit each other with sticks.
Grandma, I don't think the playdate's going great.
Can we do something else? How about a movie? I only get 22 minutes of screen time.
Well, that is just ridiculous.
Now, growing girls your age need at least four hours of TV a day.
Come on.
Let's go.
- How about "Cinderella"? - I've seen it.
- "Beauty and the Beast"? - Seen it.
Oh.
Here's a cartoon with a talking hot dog.
Have you seen that? - BOTH: No.
- I'm a vegan, but okay.
Great.
Enjoy.
[Chuckles.]
You need to get some sleep.
So, when you wake up from your nap, I'm gonna make you drink a lot of water.
[Sighs.]
I'm still cold.
[Shivering.]
Okay.
Here you go.
Mm.
That's better.
Okay.
Well, you get some rest now.
It's too hot! [Sighs.]
It's not too hot.
And I have other things to do besides taking care of you! I mean, when does my life begin?! You're mean.
My grandma always said, "Husbands are like potato chips.
You can't have just one.
" [Coughing.]
- [Feedback whines.]
- Oh, fudge.
[Whispering.]
Hey.
Truth.
Truth.
Anyone else out here have a terrible boss? MAN: Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
Mine's the worst.
Guy's crazy about elbow patches.
I swear he even has them on his pajamas.
We get it.
You're a professor, you douche-rocket.
[Laughter.]
You should see his browser history.
"Why do I have to pee so much at night?" "How many carbs are in tiramisu?" "Why is my wife mad at me?" [Laughter.]
And he is so unappreciative.
Every morning, I take a sip of his coffee just to make sure it's warm enough before I give it to him.
Never a "thank you.
" [Laughter.]
It's like, uh, maybe I should fill it up with elbow patches, you douche-rocket? Yeah! Deervale looks nice.
And to be honest, it's not that great.
It's really hard not being the best dancer.
[Sighs.]
You were right.
I shouldn't have left.
I really miss you.
[Meows.]
You have a cat? Maybe.
This place is crazy.
We had a pig for a while.
[Laughs.]
To Christmas in Cabo and New Year's in Aspen.
It's always a good time.
Mittens hates the snow, though.
And she absolutely refuses to wear hats.
She much prefers our summer house in the Hamptons.
Oh, well, I get that.
[Chuckles.]
I mean, the beach is like one giant litter box.
- That's what she says! - Mm.
I'm glad I reached out.
Seeing you again after all these years has me wondering what my life would've been like had we not broken up in high school.
- Really? - Mm.
I-I never thought about that.
You've obviously moved on, so I shouldn't say this, but - you are gorgeous, Kathryn.
- Mm.
And Mittens could really use a mother figure.
Go on.
- She wakes up meowing in the night - No, no.
I-I meant about me.
Why is there a cat in our house? She's looking for a new mommy.
I'm in the running.
[Chuckles.]
I can't believe you scored a touchdown and I wasn't there to cheer you on.
I'll put my phone in my helmet for the second half so it feels like you're here with me.
Okay, hold on.
I just need to check on my mom.
[Door creaks.]
She's gone! She must've snuck out to get goodie bags.
No way.
Ooh, ooh! Dibs on one of those little parachute guys! I can't believe my mom snuck out! - TRIP: 27, 32, hike! - [Players grunting.]
Uh-oh, Mike missed his block.
[Grunting.]
- Ohh.
- [Whistle blows.]
[Indistinct shouting.]
Ah.
The keys are still here.
But if she didn't take the car, then how did she Get out of my way! I need "doogie" bags! [Door creaks.]
What's that loser cat guy doing here? Rich loser cat guy.
And we are having a drink.
Yeah, but what about Grandpa? - Well, Grandpa's home.
- Yes.
Your home, where you live with him.
I thought you guys were back together.
This isn't right.
Who are you to judge me when you have that hussy Gina upstairs? You know about Gina? Oh, please.
Oh, my God.
[Smooching.]
I'm as bad as you.
I've got Brie, who's great, and you've got Grandpa, who's the best, and we're both about to ruin this.
Huh.
It would appear that you and I share some of the same self-destructive genes.
Yeah.
You got that and my legs, neither of which look good on you.
I just don't want to ruin things with Brie.
Break the cycle.
Don't be like me.
I made some decisions that really messed up my life.
I mean, not only did I leave Grandpa, I left my whole family.
And I came very close to bringing down an entire presidency.
[Scoffs.]
Come on, Grandma.
You have a second chance with Grandpa.
- You don't want to ruin that.
- I don't.
- Do I? - No.
Okay.
Let's go and tell Gina and Dan that it's time for them to go.
[Sighs.]
Well, I just hope that Dan takes it better than Ronnie did.
I just killed! [Laughs.]
Oh, that's a comedy term that means a lot of people laughed.
[Laughs.]
Look at this.
I'm already having trouble communicating with civilians.
Am I really that terrible? I m I drove you all the way out here.
I left my family to support you.
Trying to guilt me.
I love it! I'm gonna write that down, put it in my act.
"Left my family.
Professor Wah-Wah.
" [Laughs.]
So good.
Sorry for the short notice, but I'm gonna have to quit my job to pursue my dreams.
- I'm really gonna miss you, Professor Otto.
- [Brakes squeal.]
Okay, well, this is your place.
[Clears throat.]
It was good knowing you.
Change of plans.
Keep driving.
We're gonna put the past behind us and never look back.
[Sighs.]
I'm not gonna do that.
Worth a shot! [Laughs.]
[Panting.]
[Tires screech.]
TAYLOR: What do you think you're doing?! - Pull over! - Heeeellll no! - Seriously, Mom, pull over! - [Brakes squeal.]
[Breathing heavily.]
Now get in the car.
Stop trying to control me! I am not trying to control you I'm just trying to keep you safe.
You're not the boss of me! You are getting in this car, and you are going to bed! I hate you! [Groans.]
Oliver, we could just pick up where we left off.
OLIVER: I'm trying to break the cycle.
What cycle? The grandma-grandson love cycle.
You can just tell me you don't want to see me.
You don't have to make up all this freaky stuff.
[Door creaks open.]
[Door creaking.]
That actually felt pretty good.
You see? Now, we have it in us to be kind, loyal people.
Good news.
Mittens loves your powder room toilet.
Number one and number two.
[Mittens meows softly.]
Your turn.
Dan I'm I'm sorry, but I can't get into a relationship with you.
I'm seeing someone else.
Oh.
[Breathes deeply.]
We understand.
Did I mention I have a lake house? Goodbye, Dan.
[Door creaks.]
- [Sighs.]
- [Door creaks shut.]
Who needs money [Chuckling.]
when I have uh, when I have - Grandpa.
- Grandpa.
I'm not mad at you.
[Mockingly.]
"I'm not mad at you.
" I'm just upset with the choice that you made.
You could've gotten hurt.
Fine-ah.
Wait.
Is that what I'm like? I didn't realize how much work it was to take care of another human being.
And you take care of all of us.
[Sighs.]
I'm really sorry for being such a jerk.
Can you forgive me? [Snores.]
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
That cold medicine you gave me finally wore off.
I don't remember anything.
How was the playdate? Everyone had the most amazing time.
That is so great! Thank you for following all my instructions.
Oh, I chucked that binder immediately.
What? They figured it out, just like I told you they would.
By the way, what movie did you watch with your friends? "Sausage Party.
" Isn't that R-rated? Like, super hard R-rated? It is.
No one else's parents would ever let them watch it in a million years.
Mom! What? It's a cartoon.
Uh-oh.
Maddy's mom wants to know why in the world we'd expose her daughter to such "explicit trash.
" And Samantha's mom says Samantha won't stop talking about how she figured out where baby hot dogs come from.
What were you thinking? What are you so mad about? Those girls love Anna-Kat, Taylor didn't go to Trip's game, and Oliver got rid of Gina.
You should be thanking me.
Plus, I didn't cheat on your dad.
I deserve a medal.
Next time I'm sick and you're not home, just leave the kids with the dog.
[Groans.]
I'm still trying to flush that pill that my mom gave me out of my system.
So, you really don't remember riding Anna-Kat's bike? [Sighs.]
Not even a blur.
[Dishwasher tray slides.]
- Anything else you might've done? - No.
Why? Huh.
[Luthor whines.]
Huh.
[Luthor barks softly.]
Well, at least we won't lose track of him at the dog park anymore.
[Barks.]