Awkward s03e19 Episode Script
Karmic Relief
Previously on Awkward Matty, this is my friend Bailey.
- Thank you for coming.
- So are we okay? - Yeah.
- Hunter, huh? She got really drunk and threw up on herself.
That's a bummer.
I'd rather hang out with someone else instead.
During my sanity sabbatical, I wrote a mean essay about Val.
It's Ms.
Marks.
I've been fired.
After my recent walk on the wild side, I had course-corrected and was determined to stay on the straight and narrow.
But I had to admit, hanging outside a low-rent liquor store in a sketch part of town gave me a crazy adrenaline rush.
Okay, Mr.
Hutcherson.
- Date of birth.
- 1985.
'89.
Address.
Lane.
Okay, let's give him an easy one.
Um, Mr.
Hutcherson, where was this license issued? At the DMV.
- State, smartass.
- Montana.
California.
Dude, you have, like, five things to remember.
I didn't know we were gonna have a frickin' quiz.
Okay, well, we are really about to enjoy that case of soda you're about to buy.
Watch this.
- No, we can't go in yet.
- No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
- You need to have this down.
- I do.
You don't.
With a name like Van Hutcherson, you are asking to get busted.
This is the worst fake ID ever.
Oh, but the letterman's jacket was a nice touch.
Shit! I forgot to take it off.
Why don't we just get that guy to buy us beer? Oh.
- I think we should just bail.
- It's fine.
Nobody ever gets carded here.
Nussbaum employees are mostly carnies or ex-cons who either can't read or don't care.
Can I help you? I was just using this as a weight.
Yeah, yeah.
You've heard of beer-lates? What are you doing here? Just pulling a paycheck, eating my feelings, watching my dreams die, oh, getting a 45% off discount on expired booze, which helps me on my quest to drink my youth away, which I am also doing.
Val, I am so sorry.
I wish I'd never written that essay.
If I could take it back, I would.
Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? I may be immune to your bullets, Jenna-dict Arnold, but your words put a hole in my heart.
I treated you as a friend, as a confidante, as a brother from another mother, and how do you repay me? Do you name a star after me? Do you send me an edible fruit basket? Mm-mm.
Do you offer me my weight in Euros? No.
You ruin my life.
It was true.
Valerie had always been there for me, and she didn't deserve her bad fortune.
I was the one who had wronged her.
I was the one with the crappy karma.
So why wasn't I the one working in a creepy liquor store, eating beef jerky and red hots to fill my empty soul? You know what? Actually, there is something you can do for me.
Name it.
- Go fuck yourself.
- What? I said, Jenna Hamilton, go fuck yourself.
Get your prom tickets, on sale in the junior quad right now.
If you ain't got a date, do like the Titans do.
Buy now, ask later.
Get your prom tickets.
Sorry about that.
- Hey, Jenna.
- Hey.
- Mr.
Hutcherson.
- Class of '89.
Now you remember? What's wrong with this stupid locker? It's not yours.
Why are you so out of it today? I can't stop thinking about Valerie.
It doesn't feel right that my life is on the upswing while she's going through hell, especially when it's all my fault.
She did all those crazy, really inappropriate things.
All you did was write about it.
- Let it go.
- I can't.
Did you ever think this could be a good thing for her? - Seriously? - Yeah.
Maybe she'll come out the other end with a better job or something.
You know what the say, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
I could only hope that was true for Valerie.
But I knew it was true for Matty and me.
We had been through so much, and yet we're closer than ever.
Sure, we were just friends, but my relationship with Jake worked because we took it slow.
Maybe it was better for Matty and me to start as friends and work towards the benefits.
If you're trying to do magic, don't.
- I hate it.
- How can anybody hate magic? I don't know.
It creeps me.
Maybe not now, but one day, you will learn to love magic as much as you love me.
Doubt it.
Saved it up from putting in electronic dog fences, something I'm ethically opposed to.
So this is basically blood money, but it was for a good cause.
Prom tickets.
Sweet, but hold on to your cash.
- I can get them for free.
- How? By using the good kind of magic.
The Asian kind.
Where are my Asians at? It's dead.
Hey, Henry? Henry.
Hit me up later.
Mama's gotta do business.
- Stop talking like a pimp.
- Stop doing magic.
Dude, why are you ignoring me? And how come after I snap my fingers, there aren't any Asians in my face? If there's something going on, you have to tell me.
You owe me that.
You and I have pretended to go through a lot together.
Coup d'etat.
What does that mean? A coup d'etat? Which I thought was French for "fancy brunch" but actually means "sudden overthrow, often violent.
" Putting the mascot head in your locker was seriously disturbing.
And physically impossible.
How did they get it in there? I'm guessing it's some type of head-shrinking technique.
By some kind of insaniac.
Do you think Becca's back? No, they hated her more than me.
I bet it's that asshole Isaiah.
This is my own damn fault.
I abused my power, and now it's coming back to bite me in the ass or perhaps kill me.
Apparently, everyone was feeling the effects of karma.
Question was, how long would it last? I should've seen this coming.
Last week, I lost my parking spot-- - I can't even remember the last time an Asian brought you a latte.
And my secret hotline's gone cold.
See? Fuck the what? I had it on me this morning.
- How do they do that? - No offense, Ming.
But you were never cut out to be a ruthless despot.
Yeah, maybe this was for the best.
It's not.
Once I'm ousted, they might send me away like Becca, or God forbid they send me to the same place.
I should probably keep a low pro, stay out of the daylight.
Now, can we please talk about what's been on my scrawling newsreel all morning? - And that is? - Prom.
Jake promised to make up for his infamous sex van disastrophy by planning the perfect night, which means I need the perfect dress, which is giving me maj dress stress.
I'm thinking about going long 'cause I've seen a lot of maxis on the red C.
Red carpet.
But what if Palos Hillers are fashion behind and go mini? Maybe I'll just stick with short to be safe.
No.
I'll go high-low.
Problem solved.
Is Matty gonna ask you? We've been getting along well, but I don't expect anything.
- Why not? - I don't wanna be let down.
I finally earned his friendship back.
But a date to prom? That's pushing it.
And that's a wrap on prom talk.
So prom.
Guess who got here early and bought the first two tickets.
Mm, so far, so good.
What do you guys think it means to ask someone to prom? Basically like a DTR, right? Yeah, I guess.
Maybe I had banked enough good karma for a prom date, and Matty and I were going to re-TR.
I agree, dropping a hundie on tickets, plus flowers, a limo, a hotel-- - Hotel? - Maybe a hotel? Hotel.
You don't really do that unless you're into somebody.
That's what I thought.
- Or you wanna get laid.
- Jake.
But that's not why I'm doing it-- I can get laid any time.
- Or never again.
- Well, no, no.
That's not what I meant.
I-I-- I just wanna make it special, so you have a prom night that you remember the rest of your life.
We're skipping fifth period.
We have to pre-shop before some skankazoid nabs my perfect dress.
Suddenly, I had dress stress too.
If I was going to prom with Matty, I had to find my perfect dress.
I know what you're thinking about.
- What? - Valerie.
You're still worried about her.
Very worried.
And guilty.
I had no right fantasizing about a stupid dance when Val was putting her life on the line to keep reprobates in cheap spirits and rolling papers.
I know I told you to just let it go, but obviously you can't.
Do something about it.
You're right.
I can, and I will.
If I had the power to get Valerie fired, who was to say I didn't have the power to get her rehired? Because you only know one side of the story, which isn't fair because there are always two sides to every story, one of which is the right one.
Can you please just for one second-- Principal Cox, are you aware that we are living in America I had absolutely no idea.
Where everyone deserves the right to be heard.
Valerie deserves the chance to defend herself.
I was the one who wrote that essay, which I now admit was mean-spirited and totally biased.
And I think she should get her job back, so she should get her job back-- Stop talking.
I can't, because I am not gonna let you say no.
- Stop, stop it, stop it.
- No, you stop it.
Uh, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, mm, neh.
Mm.
I wasn't going to say no.
I was going to say, "Ms.
Marks is getting a hearing.
" My plan was working.
I was taking action, and I was already seeing results.
- It was scheduled for tomorrow at 3:30.
Was scheduled? I made the arrangements this morning.
But thanks for eating up 'cause I've got nothing better to do with my time.
Hopefully, the universe would realize it was the thought that counted.
Hey, it's Jenna.
I have good news.
Call me.
It's okay.
I'll just tell you now.
Principal Cox is gonna give you a hearing.
We're gonna get your job back! I just want my job back.
I gave 110%.
I was there early every day, stayed late, went above and beyond, sometimes below.
Uh, mom? Who are you talking to? The universe.
Or Oprah, if she can hear me.
What's wrong? Now that I'm unemployed, I don't know what to do with myself.
I have no purpose.
Though her situation wasn't quite as dire as Valerie's, to my mom, it felt just as traumatic.
And since I was already playing Goodwill Ambassador, I felt obligated to help her too.
And I knew just how to do it.
Let's go shopping.
Your father cut up my credit cards.
Why? He doesn't approve of how much I've spent on therapy.
Retail therapy, which clearly isn't working.
You are so insensitive.
Can't you see that I am lost without my nursing career? You were a nurse for a month.
Which is longer than you nursed Jenna.
I just miss having somewhere to go every morning.
I miss being needed.
I miss saving lives.
- You put band-aids on people.
- Dozens.
Lace, if you really want another job, you'll find something else.
- Like what? - Like, uh Don't think.
If you could have your dream job, what would it be? A Real Housewife of Palos Verdes.
- Or a - Figure skater.
A contestant on Project Runway.
How about something realistic? I don't like this game.
Okay, forget that.
What are you good at? Gross.
That belongs to my mom, who said I have no limit.
So I expect this to play out like one of my fav rom-coms, where I point to a dress and you pull it out for me in my size, which you instinctively know just by eyeballing me.
Then, while I'm changing, you put on some super-fem indie pop, no emo, and gasp in awe and clap wildly every time I emerge from the dressing room.
Champagne is optional.
T, you've met Bailey.
Yeah, you brought her to Matty's party when you thought Ming and I were gonna wine-and-ditch you.
I hope you don't mind me tagging along.
As long as you don't steal my dress thunder.
That won't be a problem.
- I'm not even going to prom.
- Why not? I'm just a loser freshman.
No one's gonna ask me.
Of course someone's gonna ask you.
Every guy in school thinks you put out.
That's not an insult.
We all put out.
Don't include me in your slut parade.
Oh, right, Ming still shops at the Virgin megastore.
So do I.
The rumors aren't true.
I may not be a slut, but I do have pretty good taste.
Shut it down.
I freakin' love that.
Now put it back.
What kind of bra would I wear with this? So no bra? This one for you.
- What's wrong with this one? - Out of order.
What about the rest of them? All out of order.
Do you work here? How else would I know dressing rooms out of order? What the fuck? Good afternoon, Ming.
Who the hell are you? Wait, are you the dick who put the mascot head in my locker? I have no knowledge of said activity.
I'm here as a neutral party.
- For what? - For you.
And the others.
The others being the mafia? - What do you want from me? - Nothing.
Well, I wouldn't mind watching you try on some dresses.
But I'll leave that up to your discretion.
Not happening.
Then I'm here to deliver a message.
I'm listening.
You're being called into a meeting at the school to discuss the terms of your departure from your current position.
What if I don't wanna depart? I can't help you with that.
- When's the meeting? - In the dead of night.
What time is that? Can't help you with that either.
Thanks a lot, jerk.
Hey, don't shoot the messenger.
But feel free to flash him your bra.
No! Damn it.
_ I've been watching you talk to me I've been eyeing You found a dress already? It found me.
You don't have to brag about it.
Some of us are still shopping.
You guys don't understand.
It's happening.
The coup d'etat? Some dude just told me to meet them at school in the dead of night.
I don't know when that is, so I'm just gonna show up around midnight and hang out.
We'll come with you.
No, I can't ask you to do that.
They might take hostages.
I'm gonna go see if they have this in black since there's a pretty good chance I'm gonna be buried in it.
Try it on.
I know you want to.
I was hoping an invite from Matty was on the table, but I didn't dare jinx it.
I'm just looking.
You've at least gotta do the lazy girl try-on.
You know, hanger-over-the-head deal.
That's a thing? Yeah, it is.
It's a dumb thing, but it's a thing.
At the risk of alienating my only friend at this school, I really want to comment on your status.
Go ahead.
You and Matty have been spending a lot of time together lately.
Why don't you guys go together? We're just friends.
And besides, I cheated on him, which isn't going to be an easy thing to recover from.
I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it.
But maybe some day, that bed would have Matty in it again.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
We all make mistakes.
But not all of us do it with the entire basketball team.
Ignore her.
Said one slut to the other slut.
Sadie, isn't it hard to window-shop from inside the store? - We know you're still broke.
- Not anymore, gingersmurf.
My advice to losers like you has made me Twitter famous.
- I have sponsors.
- So you get paid to tweet? Yep, but here's a freebie.
Unless you plan on performing in a music video set in Berlin Circa 1985, I'd suggest losing the hat.
You'reWelcome.
Is she always that bitchy? Oh, no.
Normally, she's much worse.
- Is it Matty? - Matty? Valerie, isn't that great news about your hearing? I never asked you to get my job back.
I don't want it back.
When I told you to fuck off, I meant it.
Because you are the only one who can talk Valerie into going to that hearing.
She needs you.
And I'm scared to go to her house alone.
- So I need you.
- I'm needed? Yes, because you are such a great motivator.
Remember when you wrote me the letter? Okay, not that.
But remember when you encouraged me to stop wearing overalls in seventh grade? I burned them while you were sleeping.
Yes, and while I was upset at the time and threatened to run away and call child services, you saved me from an entire year of being ridiculed.
And what about the Christmas you gave Lupita Spanx? She was insulted at first.
But then she starved herself and lost 15 pounds in two weeks.
I do help people.
So go help Valerie.
I may have a future as a motivational speaker or a life coach or a top chef.
Eh-- but definitely a life coach.
Yeah, uh L-dawg, so good to see you.
You, not so much.
We just stopped by to say hi.
Well, you're not my student anymore, so I don't have to be nice to you.
- May we come in? - You can.
She can wait outside.
No! If you're gonna come in, you have to stay out of my sight, and that includes my peripheral vision.
Pop a squat in my scrapbooking nook.
Wow.
Are those all vision boards? Oh, yeah, and that one's a vision board of vision boards I want to envision one day if I ever dream again.
Wine? Fresca? Treats? One's for cats.
One's for humans.
That's cat candy.
Where are the cats? They're hiding 'cause of the hostile energy.
So I know you have a hearing tomorrow - Pssh.
- And I think you should go.
Who was that? After I got fired from the liquor store, I took in a boarder.
He looks like a criminal.
And you look like a nice person.
Val, I'm sorry you lost your job Wasn't my first time at the unemployment rodeo.
I've lost plenty of gigs.
I've even ridden the bull into bankruptcy.
I had my dream job.
Now, it's time to get serious about telemarketing.
Do you think I have a good voice for sales? For phone sex, maybe.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Put down the cat-- put down the cats.
Give me the cat.
Mom, remember why we're here.
- Motivate.
- I can't.
She's living with a serial killer.
- It's just too sad.
- You know what's sadder is I don't even care if he kills me in my sleep.
- What do I have to live for? - Exactly.
Stop it.
You both have a lot to live for.
Val, I think you can get your job back.
Oh.
The job you love, the job you were born to do.
But you have to go to your hearing.
She's right.
You love your job, and you should fight for it.
If I was such a great counselor, then why did you write those horrible things about me? - I was in a bad place.
- Yeah.
I was angry and probably high.
So high.
It was the weed talking.
She didn't mean it.
- I didn't.
- You're wasting your breath.
There's nothing you can say to convince me to go to that dog and pony show, unless it actually was a show featuring dogs and ponies.
And then, I'd be front row.
You have done so much good for so many people, especially me.
I need you, V.
And so do the students.
I'm convinced.
Now I gotta go change the locks.
That dude is creepy.
I'm back.
It was you.
Thanks for filling in for me.
I hear you did a fantastic job.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Ah.
Huh.
Shame on you, Ming Fei Yen Huang.
You've run this organization into the ground.
Not since Caligula forced his soldiers to pick up seashells during battle has someone pissed away such a golden opportunity.
But now, your reign of error has come to an end.
And these are the terms of your departure.
I don't accept these terms.
Yes, you do, and there's an addendum.
I'm going to prom with Fred Wu.
No! I'll never go to prom with you.
I'd rather be thrown into the ocean wearing a speedo made of meat.
- Silence! - No, you silence.
Don't you dare tell me to silence.
Okay, then shut up.
You can have the Asians back, but I wanna negotiate my own terms.
That is so cute.
Now shut your silly little mouth, or you will never see Fred again.
In fact, no one will.
Save yourself, Ming.
Save yourself.
What you don't realize, Wang Fong Wen Tang, is that I still have some cards in my deck.
That I believe.
You never were playing with a full deck.
Maybe, but I still have one card left.
Get over here, Wayne.
You're my accountant now.
You can chain me to a desk, but you can never make me touch my calculator.
I see your future, Wayne, and it involves a small, dark room in Koreatown with no windows, where you will sit for 16 hours a day breathing in asbestos while you sew little lightning bolts on fancy sneakers that you will never wear.
- He doesn't wanna work for you.
- Sure he does.
_ What if I get you weekends off and two sick days a month? I've enjoyed the partying and the chicks, but Asian livers don't process alcohol well.
And to be honest, I freakin' love math.
Don't be sad for me.
I'll always have a way to remember my carefree, salad days.
Yes, you will.
Okay.
Here's the deal.
You leave Fred and me alone.
If you see either one of us in a public forum, you keep walking.
Wayne here gets weekends off and two sick days a month, no questions asked.
We don't get sick.
No questions asked.
Those are my terms.
Take 'em or leave 'em.
Fine.
You have my word.
I will no longer actively try to destroy you.
_ _ _ Don't worry.
I've seen it all.
Heck, I've done it all.
But I'm going to need your key back.
Right.
I don't know where it is.
Um, I-- Ah.
How many shirts did you have made? Just 30, but that should be enough to make a statement at the hearing.
Shit! _ Don't worry.
- They can be fixed.
- I don't have time.
I still need to recruit people to vouch for Val.
I'll vouch for her.
She gave me some advice when I got in that fight with Jake.
It wasn't good, but I can leave out that detail.
And I'm happy to speak for her too.
- You barely know her.
- But I know you.
- And I wanna help.
- You're both cool for helping.
But just to be sure I "Save Vag", I'm gonna need to find more volunteers.
Who else can I ask? I will totally vouch for Ms.
Marks.
She's the one who encouraged me to get my boobs done.
She convinced some random pregnant woman to pee on a stick, so I could use it to trick my boyfriend into marrying me.
Ah! I was cutting myself and hiding it from my friends.
But Ms.
Marks suggested I-- J, I'm sorry, I can't do this.
I forgot you were a terrible liar.
Yeah, and honestly, I can't say Valerie ever helped me.
But there is someone who can.
Hell no, I am not defending that lunatic.
You owe her.
She helped you find a place to live when your mom left.
She hooked you up with Ally.
And I'm supposed to be thankful for that? Come on, Sadie, you spend most of your waking hours making people miserable.
How about putting a little good out into the world? Talk about the pothead calling the kettle black.
You are the one who exposed her incompetence and got her shit-canned.
Besides, I give amazing, life-changing advice to thousands of followers every day.
I am swimming in goodwill.
Not that I give a crap.
Prepare to be impressed.
Oh, you sure you wanna set it up like that? Because now, I'm expecting awesome.
Yeah, it's perfect.
- Think so? - Maybe not perfect.
But at least it won't look like we're crusading for vaginal rejuvenation.
- Gross.
- I try.
To be funny, not to be gross.
It's really cool of you to help out with this.
I know Jenna appreciates it.
It's the least I can do.
She went out of her way to make me feel comfortable here.
Well, comfortable is a bit of an overstatement.
I should say I feel less freak-like.
Sounds like something Jenna would say, actually.
kick of fate there I was invisible just out of phase Yeah.
If you wanna change, I could-- Right, right, because I'm such a slut, I will just nude up in front of anybody.
You didn't let me finish.
I was gonna say I would leave the room or turn around, so you could change.
Sorry.
I thought maybe you bought into all the rumors about me being a A what? - A duchess - Ooh.
from another country that's not this one.
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
What rumors? Well, if you don't know, I am sure as hell not gonna tell you.
But if you do hear anything, it's all lies.
Got it.
Can we please answer these questions in a timely fashion? My DVR is at 98%, and those shows are not gonna watch themselves, ladies.
Okay.
Uh To answer the board's question, I did not tell that football player to cheat on his test.
I only told him it was an option.
That kid is our best QB.
And we would never have kicked Cougar butt without him.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
- Hey.
Ms.
Marks, is it true that you referred to a select group of boys on the swim team as "Hotties"? Well, I mean, have you seen them with their shirts off? - Objection.
- On what grounds? That information is hearsay, which makes it inadmissible in court.
Plus, I was not privy to that evidence before trial, so I'm going to have to cite the exclusionary rule.
Uh, I have no idea what you're saying.
If you want, I can explain it in Layman's terms.
I've seen every episode of Law & Order.
Classic, Criminal Intent, and Sexy Style.
SVU.
There's no need, Mrs.
Hamilton, as this is not a court of law.
Okay.
Is there anything else you'd like to add in your defense, Ms.
Marks? Yes.
Uh, you should know - I am just a girl - Mm.
sitting across from a board, asking them to give her her job back.
Is there anyone else who's going to testify on your behalf? Uh Okay, well, the board-- My surprise witness.
Hey.
You are on our side, right? I would like the board to know that Ms.
Marks was instrumental in helping my Aunt Ally get a baby.
Without her, Ally would still be childless, barren, and probably drunk, one vodka tonic away from snatching some random baby from a shopping cart in a grocery store the instant its mother turned away to buy formula.
- Uh-- - Go on, Sadie.
And in saving my aunt, she saved that baby too.
- The shopping cart baby? - No.
Another one.
A baby who was homeless, motherless, fatherless, and housekeeper-less.
Mm.
That's all very dramatic, Ms.
Saxton, but can you prove any of this? Yes, I can.
Because I am that baby.
Oh.
I totally forgot I did that.
Not guilty! I mean, Valerie got her job back.
I think I finally found my calling.
- You wanna be a lawyer? - No.
I wanna play one on TV.
I know what you did, and it means a lot to me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself.
- I deserved it.
- You did.
But, um, you're still my girl, J.
Mm.
Oh, okay.
Oh, okay.
Okay, lady.
Let me buy you a drink.
Actually, you should buy me one since I did this pro bono.
- You want a ride? - Sure.
Oh.
Buddha was definitely onto something with this whole cosmic punishment-reward system.
My desirable act of getting Val's job back had produced a corresponding good result.
I was going to prom with Matty.
And if the super-chill Asian guy was a man of his word, it wouldn't be long before I was calling him my boyfriend.
By him, I meant Matty.
If I was putting that thought into the universe, I wanted it to be crystal clear.
Hey.
Jake's in the bathroom, so I have to talk fast.
You always talk fast.
I overheard him taking to Matty, and the prom ask is going down tonight.
I guess he's not telling me, so I don't tell you, which I already did, so make sure you do your hair and shave your legs.
Hold on, I'm getting a text.
_ Head in the clouds, watching We're all going to prom.
We're all going to prom! Yeah, you're not there.
I'm going to prom.
Ugh.
Sorry about the takeout, but hey.
I was working, so you're just gonna have to deal.
I'm proud of you two.
After what Jenna wrote about her, I didn't think Valerie had a chance in hell.
- Dad.
- I meant that as a compliment.
I don't wanna bring you down.
Well, that would be impossible.
Matty's gonna ask me to prom.
- You need a dress.
- No more shopping.
I actually already found the perfect dress, but I only have $400 in savings.
- How much is this dress? - 750.
What is it, made of $20 bills? I'm sure it's something that she'll be able to wear over and over again.
- To weddings and - Parties and Bar Mitzvahs.
The girl kind of Bar Mitzvahs.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
If you're gonna gang up on me, I'm outta here.
I was saving the money I made as a nurse for a special occasion, and this is about as special as it gets.
I didn't want your dad to find it.
What if the dress is already gone? If we hurry, we can still make it to the store.
Okay.
Feels good to be free.
- I just hope it lasts.
- Don't be so cynical.
I mean, we've been through enough crap.
We've earned our happiness.
I still can't believe you gave it all up for me.
- I'd do it again.
- You would? What's the point of unlimited power and bottomless lattes if I have no one to share them with? Besides, I was probably the worst mob boss ever.
Uh, yeah, you were.
Did you get prom tickets before you abdicated? That 100 bucks I had fell through my trap pocket.
- See, magic is dumb.
- Salt in the wound, Ming.
Sorry.
I did manage to get one ticket, but I can go to the dance first and sneak you in through the back.
Just like regular folks.
Just like regular folks.
sometimes I drift like autumn leaves - Fred? - Hmm? What's going to happen to us? What will we be without the drama, the intrigue, the deception? I don't know, Ming.
I don't know.
ah ah ah ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah ah ah It's so beautiful.
Do you think it'll fit me? Oh, you're serious.
Ah! The dress! Oh, right.
Jenna, Matty's here.
I-I-I can't get out of the dress.
I can't get you out of the dress.
Mom, he can't see me in this.
He'll think I knew all along, and I don't wanna jinx it.
Okay.
- Oh, mom, mom, no.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Jenna! What am I gonna do? Hi.
Hey.
I'm sorry, were you about to go out? Oh, this.
Um, I was Jenna, are you ready for the Bar Mitzvah? going to a bar Mitzvah.
Shalom.
At 10:00 at night? It's actually at midnight, the second the kid turns 13.
That crazy kid just couldn't wait.
Do you wanna sit down? Yeah, I guess.
So So So-- Oh, I have never felt this uncomfortable in your living room before.
Oh, come on.
It's just me.
Uh, I know.
That's why it's weird.
You're making it weird, weirdo.
You're making it weirder too.
That's-- Okay, how am I gonna do this? Do what? Okay.
You're one of my best friends.
And you're one of mine.
This is ridiculous.
I don't know why I am being so formal.
Perhaps I had amassed too much good karma.
My prom proposition was starting to sound like a proposal.
It's just-- it's kinda strange talking about it because I just-- I feel like we're so beyond it.
So prom.
- Prom.
- Prom.
I know you saw those tickets today.
I-I-I don't know what you're talking about.
Mm-hmm, you saw them, and then you pretended not to, and you looked away.
You're right.
I did do that, and I don't even know why.
So are you going? I hope so.
Are you? Yeah, I hope so too.
I had never seen Matty so anxious.
All his nervous ticks were in full force, and it was only a matter of time before he busted out the armpit sniff.
It was sweet.
By all accounts, he seemed worried I was going to turn him down.
Anyway, prom.
That's-- that's why I'm here.
All my life, I had heard, "What goes around comes around.
" I just wanted to make sure that you were cool with me asking Bailey.
And it had definitely come back around.
_
- Thank you for coming.
- So are we okay? - Yeah.
- Hunter, huh? She got really drunk and threw up on herself.
That's a bummer.
I'd rather hang out with someone else instead.
During my sanity sabbatical, I wrote a mean essay about Val.
It's Ms.
Marks.
I've been fired.
After my recent walk on the wild side, I had course-corrected and was determined to stay on the straight and narrow.
But I had to admit, hanging outside a low-rent liquor store in a sketch part of town gave me a crazy adrenaline rush.
Okay, Mr.
Hutcherson.
- Date of birth.
- 1985.
'89.
Address.
Lane.
Okay, let's give him an easy one.
Um, Mr.
Hutcherson, where was this license issued? At the DMV.
- State, smartass.
- Montana.
California.
Dude, you have, like, five things to remember.
I didn't know we were gonna have a frickin' quiz.
Okay, well, we are really about to enjoy that case of soda you're about to buy.
Watch this.
- No, we can't go in yet.
- No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
- You need to have this down.
- I do.
You don't.
With a name like Van Hutcherson, you are asking to get busted.
This is the worst fake ID ever.
Oh, but the letterman's jacket was a nice touch.
Shit! I forgot to take it off.
Why don't we just get that guy to buy us beer? Oh.
- I think we should just bail.
- It's fine.
Nobody ever gets carded here.
Nussbaum employees are mostly carnies or ex-cons who either can't read or don't care.
Can I help you? I was just using this as a weight.
Yeah, yeah.
You've heard of beer-lates? What are you doing here? Just pulling a paycheck, eating my feelings, watching my dreams die, oh, getting a 45% off discount on expired booze, which helps me on my quest to drink my youth away, which I am also doing.
Val, I am so sorry.
I wish I'd never written that essay.
If I could take it back, I would.
Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? I may be immune to your bullets, Jenna-dict Arnold, but your words put a hole in my heart.
I treated you as a friend, as a confidante, as a brother from another mother, and how do you repay me? Do you name a star after me? Do you send me an edible fruit basket? Mm-mm.
Do you offer me my weight in Euros? No.
You ruin my life.
It was true.
Valerie had always been there for me, and she didn't deserve her bad fortune.
I was the one who had wronged her.
I was the one with the crappy karma.
So why wasn't I the one working in a creepy liquor store, eating beef jerky and red hots to fill my empty soul? You know what? Actually, there is something you can do for me.
Name it.
- Go fuck yourself.
- What? I said, Jenna Hamilton, go fuck yourself.
Get your prom tickets, on sale in the junior quad right now.
If you ain't got a date, do like the Titans do.
Buy now, ask later.
Get your prom tickets.
Sorry about that.
- Hey, Jenna.
- Hey.
- Mr.
Hutcherson.
- Class of '89.
Now you remember? What's wrong with this stupid locker? It's not yours.
Why are you so out of it today? I can't stop thinking about Valerie.
It doesn't feel right that my life is on the upswing while she's going through hell, especially when it's all my fault.
She did all those crazy, really inappropriate things.
All you did was write about it.
- Let it go.
- I can't.
Did you ever think this could be a good thing for her? - Seriously? - Yeah.
Maybe she'll come out the other end with a better job or something.
You know what the say, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
I could only hope that was true for Valerie.
But I knew it was true for Matty and me.
We had been through so much, and yet we're closer than ever.
Sure, we were just friends, but my relationship with Jake worked because we took it slow.
Maybe it was better for Matty and me to start as friends and work towards the benefits.
If you're trying to do magic, don't.
- I hate it.
- How can anybody hate magic? I don't know.
It creeps me.
Maybe not now, but one day, you will learn to love magic as much as you love me.
Doubt it.
Saved it up from putting in electronic dog fences, something I'm ethically opposed to.
So this is basically blood money, but it was for a good cause.
Prom tickets.
Sweet, but hold on to your cash.
- I can get them for free.
- How? By using the good kind of magic.
The Asian kind.
Where are my Asians at? It's dead.
Hey, Henry? Henry.
Hit me up later.
Mama's gotta do business.
- Stop talking like a pimp.
- Stop doing magic.
Dude, why are you ignoring me? And how come after I snap my fingers, there aren't any Asians in my face? If there's something going on, you have to tell me.
You owe me that.
You and I have pretended to go through a lot together.
Coup d'etat.
What does that mean? A coup d'etat? Which I thought was French for "fancy brunch" but actually means "sudden overthrow, often violent.
" Putting the mascot head in your locker was seriously disturbing.
And physically impossible.
How did they get it in there? I'm guessing it's some type of head-shrinking technique.
By some kind of insaniac.
Do you think Becca's back? No, they hated her more than me.
I bet it's that asshole Isaiah.
This is my own damn fault.
I abused my power, and now it's coming back to bite me in the ass or perhaps kill me.
Apparently, everyone was feeling the effects of karma.
Question was, how long would it last? I should've seen this coming.
Last week, I lost my parking spot-- - I can't even remember the last time an Asian brought you a latte.
And my secret hotline's gone cold.
See? Fuck the what? I had it on me this morning.
- How do they do that? - No offense, Ming.
But you were never cut out to be a ruthless despot.
Yeah, maybe this was for the best.
It's not.
Once I'm ousted, they might send me away like Becca, or God forbid they send me to the same place.
I should probably keep a low pro, stay out of the daylight.
Now, can we please talk about what's been on my scrawling newsreel all morning? - And that is? - Prom.
Jake promised to make up for his infamous sex van disastrophy by planning the perfect night, which means I need the perfect dress, which is giving me maj dress stress.
I'm thinking about going long 'cause I've seen a lot of maxis on the red C.
Red carpet.
But what if Palos Hillers are fashion behind and go mini? Maybe I'll just stick with short to be safe.
No.
I'll go high-low.
Problem solved.
Is Matty gonna ask you? We've been getting along well, but I don't expect anything.
- Why not? - I don't wanna be let down.
I finally earned his friendship back.
But a date to prom? That's pushing it.
And that's a wrap on prom talk.
So prom.
Guess who got here early and bought the first two tickets.
Mm, so far, so good.
What do you guys think it means to ask someone to prom? Basically like a DTR, right? Yeah, I guess.
Maybe I had banked enough good karma for a prom date, and Matty and I were going to re-TR.
I agree, dropping a hundie on tickets, plus flowers, a limo, a hotel-- - Hotel? - Maybe a hotel? Hotel.
You don't really do that unless you're into somebody.
That's what I thought.
- Or you wanna get laid.
- Jake.
But that's not why I'm doing it-- I can get laid any time.
- Or never again.
- Well, no, no.
That's not what I meant.
I-I-- I just wanna make it special, so you have a prom night that you remember the rest of your life.
We're skipping fifth period.
We have to pre-shop before some skankazoid nabs my perfect dress.
Suddenly, I had dress stress too.
If I was going to prom with Matty, I had to find my perfect dress.
I know what you're thinking about.
- What? - Valerie.
You're still worried about her.
Very worried.
And guilty.
I had no right fantasizing about a stupid dance when Val was putting her life on the line to keep reprobates in cheap spirits and rolling papers.
I know I told you to just let it go, but obviously you can't.
Do something about it.
You're right.
I can, and I will.
If I had the power to get Valerie fired, who was to say I didn't have the power to get her rehired? Because you only know one side of the story, which isn't fair because there are always two sides to every story, one of which is the right one.
Can you please just for one second-- Principal Cox, are you aware that we are living in America I had absolutely no idea.
Where everyone deserves the right to be heard.
Valerie deserves the chance to defend herself.
I was the one who wrote that essay, which I now admit was mean-spirited and totally biased.
And I think she should get her job back, so she should get her job back-- Stop talking.
I can't, because I am not gonna let you say no.
- Stop, stop it, stop it.
- No, you stop it.
Uh, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, mm, neh.
Mm.
I wasn't going to say no.
I was going to say, "Ms.
Marks is getting a hearing.
" My plan was working.
I was taking action, and I was already seeing results.
- It was scheduled for tomorrow at 3:30.
Was scheduled? I made the arrangements this morning.
But thanks for eating up 'cause I've got nothing better to do with my time.
Hopefully, the universe would realize it was the thought that counted.
Hey, it's Jenna.
I have good news.
Call me.
It's okay.
I'll just tell you now.
Principal Cox is gonna give you a hearing.
We're gonna get your job back! I just want my job back.
I gave 110%.
I was there early every day, stayed late, went above and beyond, sometimes below.
Uh, mom? Who are you talking to? The universe.
Or Oprah, if she can hear me.
What's wrong? Now that I'm unemployed, I don't know what to do with myself.
I have no purpose.
Though her situation wasn't quite as dire as Valerie's, to my mom, it felt just as traumatic.
And since I was already playing Goodwill Ambassador, I felt obligated to help her too.
And I knew just how to do it.
Let's go shopping.
Your father cut up my credit cards.
Why? He doesn't approve of how much I've spent on therapy.
Retail therapy, which clearly isn't working.
You are so insensitive.
Can't you see that I am lost without my nursing career? You were a nurse for a month.
Which is longer than you nursed Jenna.
I just miss having somewhere to go every morning.
I miss being needed.
I miss saving lives.
- You put band-aids on people.
- Dozens.
Lace, if you really want another job, you'll find something else.
- Like what? - Like, uh Don't think.
If you could have your dream job, what would it be? A Real Housewife of Palos Verdes.
- Or a - Figure skater.
A contestant on Project Runway.
How about something realistic? I don't like this game.
Okay, forget that.
What are you good at? Gross.
That belongs to my mom, who said I have no limit.
So I expect this to play out like one of my fav rom-coms, where I point to a dress and you pull it out for me in my size, which you instinctively know just by eyeballing me.
Then, while I'm changing, you put on some super-fem indie pop, no emo, and gasp in awe and clap wildly every time I emerge from the dressing room.
Champagne is optional.
T, you've met Bailey.
Yeah, you brought her to Matty's party when you thought Ming and I were gonna wine-and-ditch you.
I hope you don't mind me tagging along.
As long as you don't steal my dress thunder.
That won't be a problem.
- I'm not even going to prom.
- Why not? I'm just a loser freshman.
No one's gonna ask me.
Of course someone's gonna ask you.
Every guy in school thinks you put out.
That's not an insult.
We all put out.
Don't include me in your slut parade.
Oh, right, Ming still shops at the Virgin megastore.
So do I.
The rumors aren't true.
I may not be a slut, but I do have pretty good taste.
Shut it down.
I freakin' love that.
Now put it back.
What kind of bra would I wear with this? So no bra? This one for you.
- What's wrong with this one? - Out of order.
What about the rest of them? All out of order.
Do you work here? How else would I know dressing rooms out of order? What the fuck? Good afternoon, Ming.
Who the hell are you? Wait, are you the dick who put the mascot head in my locker? I have no knowledge of said activity.
I'm here as a neutral party.
- For what? - For you.
And the others.
The others being the mafia? - What do you want from me? - Nothing.
Well, I wouldn't mind watching you try on some dresses.
But I'll leave that up to your discretion.
Not happening.
Then I'm here to deliver a message.
I'm listening.
You're being called into a meeting at the school to discuss the terms of your departure from your current position.
What if I don't wanna depart? I can't help you with that.
- When's the meeting? - In the dead of night.
What time is that? Can't help you with that either.
Thanks a lot, jerk.
Hey, don't shoot the messenger.
But feel free to flash him your bra.
No! Damn it.
_ I've been watching you talk to me I've been eyeing You found a dress already? It found me.
You don't have to brag about it.
Some of us are still shopping.
You guys don't understand.
It's happening.
The coup d'etat? Some dude just told me to meet them at school in the dead of night.
I don't know when that is, so I'm just gonna show up around midnight and hang out.
We'll come with you.
No, I can't ask you to do that.
They might take hostages.
I'm gonna go see if they have this in black since there's a pretty good chance I'm gonna be buried in it.
Try it on.
I know you want to.
I was hoping an invite from Matty was on the table, but I didn't dare jinx it.
I'm just looking.
You've at least gotta do the lazy girl try-on.
You know, hanger-over-the-head deal.
That's a thing? Yeah, it is.
It's a dumb thing, but it's a thing.
At the risk of alienating my only friend at this school, I really want to comment on your status.
Go ahead.
You and Matty have been spending a lot of time together lately.
Why don't you guys go together? We're just friends.
And besides, I cheated on him, which isn't going to be an easy thing to recover from.
I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it.
But maybe some day, that bed would have Matty in it again.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
We all make mistakes.
But not all of us do it with the entire basketball team.
Ignore her.
Said one slut to the other slut.
Sadie, isn't it hard to window-shop from inside the store? - We know you're still broke.
- Not anymore, gingersmurf.
My advice to losers like you has made me Twitter famous.
- I have sponsors.
- So you get paid to tweet? Yep, but here's a freebie.
Unless you plan on performing in a music video set in Berlin Circa 1985, I'd suggest losing the hat.
You'reWelcome.
Is she always that bitchy? Oh, no.
Normally, she's much worse.
- Is it Matty? - Matty? Valerie, isn't that great news about your hearing? I never asked you to get my job back.
I don't want it back.
When I told you to fuck off, I meant it.
Because you are the only one who can talk Valerie into going to that hearing.
She needs you.
And I'm scared to go to her house alone.
- So I need you.
- I'm needed? Yes, because you are such a great motivator.
Remember when you wrote me the letter? Okay, not that.
But remember when you encouraged me to stop wearing overalls in seventh grade? I burned them while you were sleeping.
Yes, and while I was upset at the time and threatened to run away and call child services, you saved me from an entire year of being ridiculed.
And what about the Christmas you gave Lupita Spanx? She was insulted at first.
But then she starved herself and lost 15 pounds in two weeks.
I do help people.
So go help Valerie.
I may have a future as a motivational speaker or a life coach or a top chef.
Eh-- but definitely a life coach.
Yeah, uh L-dawg, so good to see you.
You, not so much.
We just stopped by to say hi.
Well, you're not my student anymore, so I don't have to be nice to you.
- May we come in? - You can.
She can wait outside.
No! If you're gonna come in, you have to stay out of my sight, and that includes my peripheral vision.
Pop a squat in my scrapbooking nook.
Wow.
Are those all vision boards? Oh, yeah, and that one's a vision board of vision boards I want to envision one day if I ever dream again.
Wine? Fresca? Treats? One's for cats.
One's for humans.
That's cat candy.
Where are the cats? They're hiding 'cause of the hostile energy.
So I know you have a hearing tomorrow - Pssh.
- And I think you should go.
Who was that? After I got fired from the liquor store, I took in a boarder.
He looks like a criminal.
And you look like a nice person.
Val, I'm sorry you lost your job Wasn't my first time at the unemployment rodeo.
I've lost plenty of gigs.
I've even ridden the bull into bankruptcy.
I had my dream job.
Now, it's time to get serious about telemarketing.
Do you think I have a good voice for sales? For phone sex, maybe.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Put down the cat-- put down the cats.
Give me the cat.
Mom, remember why we're here.
- Motivate.
- I can't.
She's living with a serial killer.
- It's just too sad.
- You know what's sadder is I don't even care if he kills me in my sleep.
- What do I have to live for? - Exactly.
Stop it.
You both have a lot to live for.
Val, I think you can get your job back.
Oh.
The job you love, the job you were born to do.
But you have to go to your hearing.
She's right.
You love your job, and you should fight for it.
If I was such a great counselor, then why did you write those horrible things about me? - I was in a bad place.
- Yeah.
I was angry and probably high.
So high.
It was the weed talking.
She didn't mean it.
- I didn't.
- You're wasting your breath.
There's nothing you can say to convince me to go to that dog and pony show, unless it actually was a show featuring dogs and ponies.
And then, I'd be front row.
You have done so much good for so many people, especially me.
I need you, V.
And so do the students.
I'm convinced.
Now I gotta go change the locks.
That dude is creepy.
I'm back.
It was you.
Thanks for filling in for me.
I hear you did a fantastic job.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Ah.
Huh.
Shame on you, Ming Fei Yen Huang.
You've run this organization into the ground.
Not since Caligula forced his soldiers to pick up seashells during battle has someone pissed away such a golden opportunity.
But now, your reign of error has come to an end.
And these are the terms of your departure.
I don't accept these terms.
Yes, you do, and there's an addendum.
I'm going to prom with Fred Wu.
No! I'll never go to prom with you.
I'd rather be thrown into the ocean wearing a speedo made of meat.
- Silence! - No, you silence.
Don't you dare tell me to silence.
Okay, then shut up.
You can have the Asians back, but I wanna negotiate my own terms.
That is so cute.
Now shut your silly little mouth, or you will never see Fred again.
In fact, no one will.
Save yourself, Ming.
Save yourself.
What you don't realize, Wang Fong Wen Tang, is that I still have some cards in my deck.
That I believe.
You never were playing with a full deck.
Maybe, but I still have one card left.
Get over here, Wayne.
You're my accountant now.
You can chain me to a desk, but you can never make me touch my calculator.
I see your future, Wayne, and it involves a small, dark room in Koreatown with no windows, where you will sit for 16 hours a day breathing in asbestos while you sew little lightning bolts on fancy sneakers that you will never wear.
- He doesn't wanna work for you.
- Sure he does.
_ What if I get you weekends off and two sick days a month? I've enjoyed the partying and the chicks, but Asian livers don't process alcohol well.
And to be honest, I freakin' love math.
Don't be sad for me.
I'll always have a way to remember my carefree, salad days.
Yes, you will.
Okay.
Here's the deal.
You leave Fred and me alone.
If you see either one of us in a public forum, you keep walking.
Wayne here gets weekends off and two sick days a month, no questions asked.
We don't get sick.
No questions asked.
Those are my terms.
Take 'em or leave 'em.
Fine.
You have my word.
I will no longer actively try to destroy you.
_ _ _ Don't worry.
I've seen it all.
Heck, I've done it all.
But I'm going to need your key back.
Right.
I don't know where it is.
Um, I-- Ah.
How many shirts did you have made? Just 30, but that should be enough to make a statement at the hearing.
Shit! _ Don't worry.
- They can be fixed.
- I don't have time.
I still need to recruit people to vouch for Val.
I'll vouch for her.
She gave me some advice when I got in that fight with Jake.
It wasn't good, but I can leave out that detail.
And I'm happy to speak for her too.
- You barely know her.
- But I know you.
- And I wanna help.
- You're both cool for helping.
But just to be sure I "Save Vag", I'm gonna need to find more volunteers.
Who else can I ask? I will totally vouch for Ms.
Marks.
She's the one who encouraged me to get my boobs done.
She convinced some random pregnant woman to pee on a stick, so I could use it to trick my boyfriend into marrying me.
Ah! I was cutting myself and hiding it from my friends.
But Ms.
Marks suggested I-- J, I'm sorry, I can't do this.
I forgot you were a terrible liar.
Yeah, and honestly, I can't say Valerie ever helped me.
But there is someone who can.
Hell no, I am not defending that lunatic.
You owe her.
She helped you find a place to live when your mom left.
She hooked you up with Ally.
And I'm supposed to be thankful for that? Come on, Sadie, you spend most of your waking hours making people miserable.
How about putting a little good out into the world? Talk about the pothead calling the kettle black.
You are the one who exposed her incompetence and got her shit-canned.
Besides, I give amazing, life-changing advice to thousands of followers every day.
I am swimming in goodwill.
Not that I give a crap.
Prepare to be impressed.
Oh, you sure you wanna set it up like that? Because now, I'm expecting awesome.
Yeah, it's perfect.
- Think so? - Maybe not perfect.
But at least it won't look like we're crusading for vaginal rejuvenation.
- Gross.
- I try.
To be funny, not to be gross.
It's really cool of you to help out with this.
I know Jenna appreciates it.
It's the least I can do.
She went out of her way to make me feel comfortable here.
Well, comfortable is a bit of an overstatement.
I should say I feel less freak-like.
Sounds like something Jenna would say, actually.
kick of fate there I was invisible just out of phase Yeah.
If you wanna change, I could-- Right, right, because I'm such a slut, I will just nude up in front of anybody.
You didn't let me finish.
I was gonna say I would leave the room or turn around, so you could change.
Sorry.
I thought maybe you bought into all the rumors about me being a A what? - A duchess - Ooh.
from another country that's not this one.
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
What rumors? Well, if you don't know, I am sure as hell not gonna tell you.
But if you do hear anything, it's all lies.
Got it.
Can we please answer these questions in a timely fashion? My DVR is at 98%, and those shows are not gonna watch themselves, ladies.
Okay.
Uh To answer the board's question, I did not tell that football player to cheat on his test.
I only told him it was an option.
That kid is our best QB.
And we would never have kicked Cougar butt without him.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
- Hey.
Ms.
Marks, is it true that you referred to a select group of boys on the swim team as "Hotties"? Well, I mean, have you seen them with their shirts off? - Objection.
- On what grounds? That information is hearsay, which makes it inadmissible in court.
Plus, I was not privy to that evidence before trial, so I'm going to have to cite the exclusionary rule.
Uh, I have no idea what you're saying.
If you want, I can explain it in Layman's terms.
I've seen every episode of Law & Order.
Classic, Criminal Intent, and Sexy Style.
SVU.
There's no need, Mrs.
Hamilton, as this is not a court of law.
Okay.
Is there anything else you'd like to add in your defense, Ms.
Marks? Yes.
Uh, you should know - I am just a girl - Mm.
sitting across from a board, asking them to give her her job back.
Is there anyone else who's going to testify on your behalf? Uh Okay, well, the board-- My surprise witness.
Hey.
You are on our side, right? I would like the board to know that Ms.
Marks was instrumental in helping my Aunt Ally get a baby.
Without her, Ally would still be childless, barren, and probably drunk, one vodka tonic away from snatching some random baby from a shopping cart in a grocery store the instant its mother turned away to buy formula.
- Uh-- - Go on, Sadie.
And in saving my aunt, she saved that baby too.
- The shopping cart baby? - No.
Another one.
A baby who was homeless, motherless, fatherless, and housekeeper-less.
Mm.
That's all very dramatic, Ms.
Saxton, but can you prove any of this? Yes, I can.
Because I am that baby.
Oh.
I totally forgot I did that.
Not guilty! I mean, Valerie got her job back.
I think I finally found my calling.
- You wanna be a lawyer? - No.
I wanna play one on TV.
I know what you did, and it means a lot to me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself.
- I deserved it.
- You did.
But, um, you're still my girl, J.
Mm.
Oh, okay.
Oh, okay.
Okay, lady.
Let me buy you a drink.
Actually, you should buy me one since I did this pro bono.
- You want a ride? - Sure.
Oh.
Buddha was definitely onto something with this whole cosmic punishment-reward system.
My desirable act of getting Val's job back had produced a corresponding good result.
I was going to prom with Matty.
And if the super-chill Asian guy was a man of his word, it wouldn't be long before I was calling him my boyfriend.
By him, I meant Matty.
If I was putting that thought into the universe, I wanted it to be crystal clear.
Hey.
Jake's in the bathroom, so I have to talk fast.
You always talk fast.
I overheard him taking to Matty, and the prom ask is going down tonight.
I guess he's not telling me, so I don't tell you, which I already did, so make sure you do your hair and shave your legs.
Hold on, I'm getting a text.
_ Head in the clouds, watching We're all going to prom.
We're all going to prom! Yeah, you're not there.
I'm going to prom.
Ugh.
Sorry about the takeout, but hey.
I was working, so you're just gonna have to deal.
I'm proud of you two.
After what Jenna wrote about her, I didn't think Valerie had a chance in hell.
- Dad.
- I meant that as a compliment.
I don't wanna bring you down.
Well, that would be impossible.
Matty's gonna ask me to prom.
- You need a dress.
- No more shopping.
I actually already found the perfect dress, but I only have $400 in savings.
- How much is this dress? - 750.
What is it, made of $20 bills? I'm sure it's something that she'll be able to wear over and over again.
- To weddings and - Parties and Bar Mitzvahs.
The girl kind of Bar Mitzvahs.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
If you're gonna gang up on me, I'm outta here.
I was saving the money I made as a nurse for a special occasion, and this is about as special as it gets.
I didn't want your dad to find it.
What if the dress is already gone? If we hurry, we can still make it to the store.
Okay.
Feels good to be free.
- I just hope it lasts.
- Don't be so cynical.
I mean, we've been through enough crap.
We've earned our happiness.
I still can't believe you gave it all up for me.
- I'd do it again.
- You would? What's the point of unlimited power and bottomless lattes if I have no one to share them with? Besides, I was probably the worst mob boss ever.
Uh, yeah, you were.
Did you get prom tickets before you abdicated? That 100 bucks I had fell through my trap pocket.
- See, magic is dumb.
- Salt in the wound, Ming.
Sorry.
I did manage to get one ticket, but I can go to the dance first and sneak you in through the back.
Just like regular folks.
Just like regular folks.
sometimes I drift like autumn leaves - Fred? - Hmm? What's going to happen to us? What will we be without the drama, the intrigue, the deception? I don't know, Ming.
I don't know.
ah ah ah ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah ah ah It's so beautiful.
Do you think it'll fit me? Oh, you're serious.
Ah! The dress! Oh, right.
Jenna, Matty's here.
I-I-I can't get out of the dress.
I can't get you out of the dress.
Mom, he can't see me in this.
He'll think I knew all along, and I don't wanna jinx it.
Okay.
- Oh, mom, mom, no.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Jenna! What am I gonna do? Hi.
Hey.
I'm sorry, were you about to go out? Oh, this.
Um, I was Jenna, are you ready for the Bar Mitzvah? going to a bar Mitzvah.
Shalom.
At 10:00 at night? It's actually at midnight, the second the kid turns 13.
That crazy kid just couldn't wait.
Do you wanna sit down? Yeah, I guess.
So So So-- Oh, I have never felt this uncomfortable in your living room before.
Oh, come on.
It's just me.
Uh, I know.
That's why it's weird.
You're making it weird, weirdo.
You're making it weirder too.
That's-- Okay, how am I gonna do this? Do what? Okay.
You're one of my best friends.
And you're one of mine.
This is ridiculous.
I don't know why I am being so formal.
Perhaps I had amassed too much good karma.
My prom proposition was starting to sound like a proposal.
It's just-- it's kinda strange talking about it because I just-- I feel like we're so beyond it.
So prom.
- Prom.
- Prom.
I know you saw those tickets today.
I-I-I don't know what you're talking about.
Mm-hmm, you saw them, and then you pretended not to, and you looked away.
You're right.
I did do that, and I don't even know why.
So are you going? I hope so.
Are you? Yeah, I hope so too.
I had never seen Matty so anxious.
All his nervous ticks were in full force, and it was only a matter of time before he busted out the armpit sniff.
It was sweet.
By all accounts, he seemed worried I was going to turn him down.
Anyway, prom.
That's-- that's why I'm here.
All my life, I had heard, "What goes around comes around.
" I just wanted to make sure that you were cool with me asking Bailey.
And it had definitely come back around.
_