Batman (1966) s03e19 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
A festive day in Gotham City.
And at a civic luncheon at the Gotham-Astoria Police Commissioner Gordon is being honored for 25 years of faithful service.
For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny Which nobody can deny Oh.
Thank you, Chief O'Hara.
But I really don't think I deserve all this.
- Daddy, you're too modest.
-Sure on that, he is.
Right, Mr.
Wayne? The commissioner deserves far more than we can ever repay.
He's given the best years of his life to Gotham City.
Where the devil is Mayor Linseed? He's supposed to present a special award to the commissioner.
There he is now, with Mrs.
Linseed.
They seem to be arguing about something.
Ladies and gentlemen, as a token of our appreciation for Commissioner Gordon's long service I wish to present him with this 24-karat gold watch.
- Commissioner.
-Oh, thank you.
And now due to circumstances beyond my control uh, that is, um, due to overwhelming considerations I hereby discharge Commissioner Gordon.
And in his stead, I appoint as the new police commissioner of Gotham City Ms.
Nora Clavicle.
The famous Nora Clavicle.
I didn't realize her crusade for women had gone this far.
I'd say she's won that crusade.
Saints preserve us.
Saints preserve us all.
Thank you, Mayor Linseed.
As the new police commissioner I intend to carry on my crusade for women's rights.
And to prove that women can run Gotham City better than men.
Much better.
So my first official act will be to appoint a new police chief.
Mrs.
Linseed.
I had no other choice, Mr.
Wayne.
My wife is such a devoted follower of Ms.
Clavicle's crusade for women that she refused to cook or clean or wash my shirts until I appointed Ms.
Clavicle commissioner of police.
I've worn this shirt for a week.
I haven't had a decent meal in months.
It's all right, Mayor Linseed.
We understand.
Commissioner can you ever forgive me? Of course, Mayor Linseed, I understand how difficult it was for you.
The question is, how difficult is it going to be for Gotham City? One moment, sir.
I mean, ma'am.
It's her, sir.
Yes, Ms.
Clavicle? Commissioner Clavicle, Batman calling to tell you you can take an extended vacation.
We girls are handling things now and we won't need any help from you men bat or otherwise.
Goodbye, Batman.
Hmm.
There's something curious about this affair.
Very curious, indeed, sir.
Well, we're dressed for investigating, let's investigate.
There's nothing to investigate yet, Robin.
However, we could take a ride around Gotham City just in case.
Well, good luck, sir.
We men are counting on you, you know.
Right, Alfred.
To the Batmobile.
NARRATOR".
While, in the secret closet behind Barbara Gordon's bedroom Batgirl has a very similar idea.
But even as she starts her own investigation what's happening in Commissioner Gordon 's-- Er, Commissioner Clavicle's office? Nora, what you're doing is wonderful.
Women will finally take their rightful place in the world.
Half the credit is yours, Millie dear.
You reorganized the police department.
It was nothing, really.
Nothing? To fire every man on the police force and replace them all with women that was quite a job.
Well, I'd better see that things are running smoothly.
You do that, dear.
Ah.
Now that she's out of the way, you girls may proceed with Operation Ransack while I proceed with Operation Disaster Insurance.
But what about Batman and Robin, boss? Those masked menfolk? Pshaw.
And what about Batgirl? Oh, yes.
I forgot about her.
With a woman helping them Batman and Robin might just give us some trouble.
But all we have to do is make a call and lead them into a trap.
We, uh, can't call them, boss.
You, uh, cut the wire.
So I did.
But we can still lead them into a trap.
Well, how? How can we find them? Where does one usually find Batman and Robin? Well, usually they're at the scene of some crime-- Aha.
Heh.
Oh, yes, I see what you mean.
Later at the Gotham City Bank, Angelina and Evelina are making the scene.
Of a crime.
Hand over the goodies and don't dawdle.
- Officer! -Oh! Now look what you've made me do.
But there's a robbery.
It's all smeared.
Then add a little paprika and simmer over a little flame for 15 minutes.
- Don't forget the bay leaves.
-And a peppercorn or two.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you? When my bank's just been burgled? I hadn't thought of bay leaves.
Yeah.
Officer, chase them! They've just robbed my bank! How can I chase them when they have the car? And all I have are my new Givenchy shoes.
And I'm certainly not gonna wreck them.
What's that, Car 6? A clearance sale at Arbech's? Ooh! Calling all cars.
Girls, listen.
Arbech's has just marked all their dresses down 20 percent.
I've been cruising around myself, Batman, and everything seems to be normal so far.
Don't forget the shoe sale at Dubar's, girls.
Wonderful bargains.
Oh, by the way Gotham National Bank has just been robbed.
But the big news is the two-for-one sale at Slob's Drugs.
- Holy bargain basements, Batman.
-Our concern is the bargain hunters at the Gotham National Bank.
-Right, Batman.
Thank goodness you're here, Batman.
Two girl bank robbers just robbed my bank, while the policewomen did nothing.
Then they took off into thin air in a getaway car.
Sometimes you can see a great deal in thin air, sir.
You mean, back to the Batcomputer in the Batcave, Batman? No time.
We'll use the portable Batcomputer in the Batmobile.
I think I'll tag along, Batman.
The instruments in the Batgirl-cycle aren't as sophisticated as those in the Batmobile.
-Thank you.
Following the portable Batcomputer's lead the terrific trio drop in on the warehouse of Dropstitch & Company manufacturers of fine knitting needles.
But who has the drop on whom? Don't make a move, Batgirl.
Nor you either, Dynamic Duo.
Holy knit one, purl two.
Exactly, Boy Wonder.
This needle is razor-sharp and can puncture her jugular vein in an instant.
All right, girls.
Let's tie the terrific trio into terrific Siamese human knots.
You are wise to stay motionless.
Or you will be the terminated trio.
The slightest move by any one of you will only draw the human knot tighter.
Crush your bones and strangle you.
Holy hamstrings.
Exactly, Robin.
This is torture at its most bizarre and terrible.
I understand your desire to Checkmate us, Ms.
Clavicle.
Commissioner Clavicle, Batman.
But I strongly suspect there's more to your scheme than just tying us in a Siamese human knot.
Very observant, Batman.
And you're right.
There is more.
Much more.
As soon as night falls I'm planning to destroy all of Gotham City.
- All of Gotham City? -Why? Do you know what this document is, Batman? If I dared move my head, I might recognize it.
But I daren't.
It's an insurance policy on Gotham City.
Holy underwritten metropolis.
Exactly, boy bowknot.
I've insured Gotham City for 10 million dollars.
And what do you think it cost me? Two hundred dollars, perhaps? Two hundred dollars for a 10-million-dollar policy? Yes, Batgirl.
Because the risk is so low.
The chances of destroying an entire city are infinitesimal.
Right again, Batman.
But Gotham City will be destroyed.
I'll collect the 10 million and there won't be any witnesses around to make trouble.
Oh, you'll find it completely impossible to ever get out of that human knot.
But it will all be over soon.
Come on, Evelina.
Angelina should be outside with the truck by now.
Don't move.
Do we dare breathe, Batman? Cautiously, Robin.
Cautiously.
Talking has been dangerous enough.
A deep breath might prove fatal.
Are they all set to go off? One half hour after sunset? Yes, boss.
Good.
That will give them time to distribute themselves throughout the city.
And when they explode there won't be a building left standing in Gotham City.
Oh, they're darling little creatures.
Lovely.
Lovely.
I loathe standing in lines, Chief O'Hara.
Well, at least it's only one day a week, commissioner.
Besides, uh, what else can we do? Get other jobs.
But we've been policemen almost all of our lives.
- We don't know how to do anything else.
-True enough, Chief O'Hara.
We only know one trade, and suddenly that trade is closed to us.
Taken over by women.
Begorra, the shame of it.
I can't stand this much longer, Batman.
I'm getting terrible cramps in my legs.
- Good.
-Good? Terrible cramps? Exactly, Robin.
The involuntary muscular contractions in Batgirl's legs may indirectly relieve the tension in your lower lumbar region.
Holy slipped disk.
Not quite, Robin.
If I can wiggle my ears and if you are able to bend the fourth finger on your left hand just a fraction of an inch You might strangle us all.
Release us, Batgirl.
It's the basic formula for escaping from a Siamese human knot.
I just recalled it.
Ready? - Ready, Robin? -Ready.
I'm beginning to wiggle my ears under my cowl.
All right.
Releasing my fourth finger.
I'm wiggling.
I've got it.
Gosh, Batman.
What a simple way to get out of a Siamese human knot.
But what do we do now? Yes, we really know nothing of Ms.
-- Commissioner Clavicle's plan to destroy Gotham City.
Perhaps we can start with that.
What's inside it? A high explosive charge and a timing device.
Apparently set to go off a half an hour after sunset.
But how could a little charge--? - Holy mechanical armies.
-Exactly, Robin.
There's a legion of these lethal mice whirring through Gotham City at this very moment.
- We can't catch them all.
Not before dark.
-I know.
Robin, call Chief O'Ha-- Chief Linseed on the police channel.
Tell her to mobilize her entire force and send them out to gather up these mice.
I'll be back by the time you finish that call.
Connect me with Chief Linseed, please.
It's an emergency.
Chief Linseed? Yes, Robin? We know about the mice.
But I'm afraid my police force won't be very much help to you.
Officer, are those mice still down there? Yes, Chief Linseed.
Oh, excuse me, Robin, I'm afraid I'm going to faint.
Me too.
I might have known you can't get policewomen to help you catch mice.
It's diabolical.
I'm afraid you're right, Robin.
But we may have one last hope.
What are you doing, Batman? This is no time for games.
Robin, look.
How did you do it, Batman? There's no time to explain, Robin.
I want you both to play exactly the same tune that you just heard.
Batgirl, you take the east side, Robin, take west side.
East side, west side.
I'll go through midtown.
We'll meet at the docks.
- But-- -Just play, Robin.
Play for all you're worth.
NARRATOR".
With only moments left before disaster the terrific trio and their retinue of rodents arrive at dockside.
We made it.
With very few moments to spare.
But how did you know they'd follow us, Batman? I was able to determine that the guidance systems in the mice was built around the principle of high-frequency radar.
So by selecting the right combination of flute toots I was able to cause those mice and their homing mechanisms to zero in on the source of the sounds: the flutes.
The pied pipers of Gotham City.
You might say that.
I see you have some interesting freight there.
That we do, Batman.
Caught them at the edge of town.
Just as you said we might when you phoned me.
They were exceeding the speed limit by a considerable margin, sir so we thought it best to take them into custody.
You can't arrest us.
You have no power.
Citizen's arrest, me fine-feathered females.
Heh.
You should have bought some prison insurance, Ms.
Clavicle.
She'll need it where she's going, Boy Wonder.
A long-term policy with Warden Crichton as the beneficiary.
It'll be nice to have our old jobs backs again, won't it, commissioner? It will indeed, Chief O'Hara.
It will indeed.
Well, with Nora Clavicord behind bars-- - Chief O'Hara, that's Clavicle.
-Oh.
Well, a rose by any other name, commissioner.
And what a rose she was.
With Mrs.
Linseed under her thumb and all those exploding mice under her feet.
Yes.
At least she didn't pull it off.
Thanks to Batman, Robin and Batgirl.
Do you think we'll have a breather now, commissioner? Oh, unless we get some disturbing phone call, Chief O'Hara.
Commissioner Gordon.
Penguin? Just let me ask you one thing, commissioner.
Did you ever hear of the lethal Lygerian fruit fly? NARRATOR".
And Commissioner Gordon certainly will hear of lethal Lygerian fruit flies.
And so shall we all when Penguin pulls his insidious insect antic in our next episode.