Call Me Kat (2021) s03e19 Episode Script

1
I'm sorry.
- I can't.
- Oh, no, I'm sorry.
- I shouldn't have tried to kiss you
- No, no.
Don't be sorry. I'm sorry.
You shouldn't be sorry.
Well, neither one of us should be sorry.
You're right.
BOTH: Sorry.
It's just we were having a good time,
and I thought you were
looking at my mouth,
but maybe that's 'cause
these two teeth are fake.
When I was ten, Donna Grasley
pushed me off the swings
'cause I tried to kiss her,
and I am starting to see a pattern here.
No, don't feel bad. Uh,
we were having a moment.
You know, the lights, the music.
I've got a little smoky
eye thing going on.
I did a YouTube tutorial.
But Max is my boyfriend. I
I know.
Please don't tell him about this.
Oh, Zoey, I-I have to tell him.
We don't keep things
like this from each other.
But this is important.
He doesn't know I'm gay.
Oh.
Oh, I didn't know you were gay, either.
Though you did kiss me.
Sometimes I worry I'd
be a terrible detective.
I don't tell people I work with.
I've barely told anyone.
Just a couple of close
friends and a lady I met
on the plane once, but that was
'cause she looked like Tina Fey.
You get it.
Max won't say anything.
You can trust us.
I can't risk it, Kat.
No one is buying a country album
about how much I want
to hook up with Tina Fey.
Okay, okay.
Glasses, super smart, lovable goofball.
Girl's got a type.
Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪
Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪
"You plus me times forever equals us"?
"You're a-meow-zing"?
(SIGHS) Snowball.
You have no idea.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey, hey.
Shh, go back night night.
- Ah. (CHUCKLES)
- Shh, night night.
I was trying to stay up
to see you, but I think
- doing all that math made me tired.
- (CHUCKLES)
It's really cute, thank you.
I'll explain tomorrow why this
equation is a total disaster.
(CHUCKLES) How was karaoke?
Oh, it was really fun.
- Yeah, did all my faves.
- Mm.
Vanilla Ice, Bon Jovi,
a little Katy Perry.
- "I Kissed a Girl"?
- I did not
sing that song.
I'm sorry we fought earlier.
I should have just joined you guys.
I'm glad that you and Zoey
are getting to know each other, though.
Oh, I-I wouldn't say we're
getting to know each other.
Like, what's her favorite color?
You know, what's her birth stone?
What's her middle name?
It could be anything.
You know, like Ginger,
Mary Ann, Mrs. Howell.
I don't know.
Well, we're both up.
Maybe you plus me equals sexy time?
Max, I-I need to tell you something.
Okay.
I-I've been going back and forth
about whether I should
even say anything,
But I-I just I think I have to.
Um
Earlier tonight, I
got us both Taco Bell
and I ate yours in the car.
Wow.
One question.
Did you do it just to hurt me?
(LAUGHS)
Here you go.
One sugar-free vanilla nonfat latte.
Uh, I ordered a chocolate peanut
butter smoothie and a muffin.
I know, but your wife and
your arteries will thank me.
No, no, no. I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Uh, let me get you that muffin.
No, no. She's right.
Mother, I told you no body
shaming the customers or the cats.
You're not fat, you're fluffy.
So, have we finally decided
on a color for the cabinets?
Green is very trendy right now.
It's the Brazilian butt lift of paint.
Are we worried that green
is gonna make us crave pizza?
- What?
- Here we go again.
Green? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Pizza? I can't believe
I had to explain that.
What about blue?
Are you kidding me?
I said blue two weeks ago
and you loved it at first,
but then you said your
favorite shirt was blue
and it makes you happy
every time you wear it,
so if your kitchen was blue,
you would always be happy,
which means when you
wore your favorite shirt
it wouldn't mean anything.
Yeah, I can't do that to Shirty.
Well, I can't do this anymore.
Go to the store and buy
the butt green paint.
And by the way, Shirty
makes you look fat.
(GASPS) Well, now the
cabinets can be any color
'cause I'll never be happy again.
Hey, can I talk to you all a second?
- I'm working.
- Oh, my break's over.
Someone kissed me.
- I've got time.
- Ooh, spill that tea.
I've been sworn to secrecy, so
I can't reveal any identities,
but rest assured, this kiss
was illicit and forbidden.
And imaginary?
Oh, trust me, she was real. (GASPS)
He was re They were real.
No, I made it up. I lie for attention.
I knew it. You're a lesbian.
I wish your father was alive so
I could tell him "I told you so."
- Mother, I'm not gay.
- Oh, really?
Well, your shoes tell a different story.
The question is should
I tell Max about it?
Depends on the kiss. Did you linger?
Technically, how long is lingering?
- She lingered.
- Yeah, she did.
I don't have feelings for this person,
so do I tell Max?
I don't think you need to tell him.
No harm, no foul.
Although if I kissed a woman,
I would definitely tell Carter.
I would never have to get
him another birthday present
for the rest of his life.
What up, YouTube?
This is your girl Randi with
another episode of Hot Lots.
I gave Carter the day off
because while he can't
make any decisions,
I am this close to making a big one.
Plus, he got upset when he realized
the stripping we're doing today
is just taking off this paneling.
I was equally disappointed.
Apparently, I waxed for nothing.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, now I'm gonna wedge
my handy-dandy pry bar in here, and
Voilà!
Uh, all right, I s-I said
I said
voilà!
Maybe if we do the
other kind of stripping
a man will show up and help.
J-Just turn off the damn camera.
See? See how easy that was?
(PANTING)
Now, this is the type of
thing you can do yourself
so there's no reason to, um
pay anybody.
Uh-oh. Instead of taking videos,
it seems I took three photos of you.
Are you serious right now?
Yes, and they are not good.
Oh, I'm so sick of this stupid project!
What makes me think that we
could build our own condo?
I don't even like building
my own Grand Slam at Denny's.
Just give me the original.
Eggs, bacon, sausage and coffee,
just like my mama,
'cause she cold and Black.
Okay, I got the video
working, but now it's me.
Hello, beautiful.
Wait.
What?
Oh.
It's, like, a weird little room.
Okay. Please, God, no bodies.
No bodies, no bodies.
Ooh, delightful.
Oh, this is where you
can hang the sex swing.
Oops, I just spoiled your wedding gift.
And the night will burn ♪
Like a fire ♪
But our love will last ♪
Like a ♪
COVID denier. ♪
Will you help me out here?
Sweet Rosie O'Donnell,
what is she doing here?
Aah! Hot! Hot!
Kat?
'Sup?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, totally.
I was just, uh, doing the, uh,
"fall down the stairs with hot
coffee challenge" to end racism.
Okay. Do you want a
towel or a clean T-shirt?
- Maybe an MRI?
- No, I'm I'm good.
Hello, Zoey. (CHUCKLES)
Hi.
Thank you.
So, how's-how's it going here?
Doing your-your writing thang?
Singing your songs, rocking and rolling,
jingling and jangling,
riffing and raffing?
(SHORT CHUCKLE) Maybe I hit
my head harder than I thought.
Uh, today's been a grind.
Yeah, maybe we should just call it.
I can't focus.
Oh, no, I think I'm distracting her.
This coffee has made my shirt
cling in all the right places.
Oh, okay. Yeah, we can
I guess we can just pick it up tomorrow.
- Great, see you.
- (CHUCKLES)
See you.
May the road rise to
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- meet your feet.
Did Zoey seem weird to you?
No. Not at all.
Not at all, but, you know,
look who you're asking
a 41-year-old who owns a cat café.
Lovable goofball.
I don't know.
She barely said a
word to me all morning.
God, I hope I didn't offend her.
I don't mean to look down
her shirt, I'm just tall.
Max, I'm-I'm sure it's nothing.
It doesn't feel like nothing.
It feels like she doesn't like me
or she doesn't think I'm talented, or
God, I just wish I knew what I did.
Maybe I'll text her.
Max, i-it's not you.
Last night
Zoey and I kissed.
What?
I know, and I wanted to tell
you right when it happened,
but she's not out.
That's why she's been so freaking weird.
I'm-I'm sorry. We had
just sung "Teenage Dream,"
and you know what that's like.
How could you do that?
You know how important
this is to me. God, Kat.
- Well, give me a second to explain.
- I got to go fix this.
Max, I
For legal reasons, Fox
has asked me to tell you
not to attempt the "fall down the stairs
with hot coffee challenge."
- WOMAN (OVER PHONE): Breathe in.
- (INHALES DEEPLY)
- Breathe out.
- (EXHALES)
Welcome to the Bad Bitch Relaxation App,
where we'll help you feel okurrr!
Ooh, yeah, I know that's right.
Skrrt, skrrt! (LAUGHS)
(PHONE VIBRATES)
Hey, babe. How was the paint store?
Well, I got to thinking.
Are we really green cabinet people?
I thought so.
Well, I thought so, too,
until Keith weighed in.
I-Is Keith the paint guy?
No, that's Roger.
Keith was in the parking
lot selling candy bars.
He's the one who convinced
me to go back inside.
Can you come down to the garage
and help me bring up all these samples?
Samples? I thought we agreed that we
I know, but I got 12 that I really like,
eight I think you'll like,
and four more that Keith
said matched my aura.
I'm magenta dominant.
Lord, you cannot kill your fiancé,
you are too hot for prison.
I-I'm not at home. I
had to go back to work.
Why?
Because Kat got stuck
in the pastry case.
Yeah, I told her that she couldn't fit,
and boy, did she prove
me wrong. (CHUCKLES)
So now we're waiting
for the fire department.
Ooh, ooh, that's them now.
(IMITATES SIREN) I got to go.
Ooh!
What am I doing? This is crazy.
All right, quitting time.
Uh, in a half hour, but sure.
Don't forget, I got
here late this morning,
so it all evens out.
Well, did you at least
empty the garbage?
- Nah.
- Did you clean the litter boxes?
- No.
- Okay, well, did you
I'm gonna stop you
right there. I didn't.
Hey, where have you been?
I've been texting you.
Zoey doesn't want to
work with me anymore.
What? Why?
Yeah, because of what
happened with you two.
Hold up.
Zoey's the person who kissed you?
I thought you were leaving.
Are you kidding? I
got half an hour left.
You know how much I needed
this thing with Zoey.
Do you get how bad it looks
that she's dumping me like this?
My manager is freaking
out. He could drop me.
Okay, well, you're acting
like I did this on purpose.
It doesn't matter!
You spend one night with Zoey
and you screw everything up.
Hey, I was only out with her
'cause you barely have
time for me anymore.
Do you even care about my feelings here?
(SCOFFS) I have bigger
problems than your feelings.
I am over 40 in a
business where 25 is old.
- This may have been my last shot.
- All right,
- come on, Max, I
- Just do me a favor
stay out of my career.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Is there anything I can do?
I don't think so.
All right, quitting time.
WOMAN (OVER PHONE):
Now it's time for a check-in
with your fine-ass self, okurrr?
Repeat after me.
- I am beautiful.
- I am beautiful.
I am done messing with
SoundCloud rappers.
Damn, girl, where
were you when I was 24?
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Oh.
All right, I'm gonna
go get my phone charger
and see if the printer is
done with my picture of Barack.
The one in the tan
suit. You know what's up.
- (LAUGHS)
- CARTER: Hey, Randi?
I got a bunch of tile for us to look at.
Then again
She must have left for work already.
If Randi was my girl,
she'd never have to work.
Like you could support a woman.
Man, you're so broke,
your Venmo says "Ven-no."
All I said was "if."
You're mean.
Hey, let's go.
It's only a matter of time
before the customers realize
we locked them in the bar.
"Randi, you know you
too good for Carter."
Ooh, Drake, I know.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Mm.
Oh, no.
Hello? Hello?
Oh, damn.
Well, at least I'm stuck here with you.
(CHUCKLES)
This is not okurrr.
- Nope.
- Look,
I-I know you're mad.
Please let me try and make this right.
I don't want to talk to you.
Well, just hear me out.
Also, try not to look at my feet.
I know these shoes are as irresistible
as they are affordably comfortable.
I think you're confusing
gay women's shoes
with old people shoes.
Make it fast.
Well, first of all, no one
blames you for kissing me.
It's these damn lips.
I was actually awarded Most Kissable
at Jewish magic camp, Camp Ezra Cadabra.
Do you think this is funny?
'Cause I couldn't sleep last night.
I haven't been in Louisville a minute,
and now two people I barely know
and clearly can't trust could
out me and kill my career.
We're not gonna out you.
A-And also, people are so
much more accepting these days.
Really? Name three country
music stars that are out.
Uh Brandi Carlisle,
that guy from Brothers Osborne,
um, and the cowboy
from the Village People.
I'm pretty sure he's out.
Exactly.
And I know I shouldn't have kissed you,
you have a boyfriend,
but when you spend your
whole life hiding who you are,
at some point you're gonna make
an incredibly stupid mistake.
Well, I I wouldn't
say incredibly stupid.
Please, Zoey, don't let
what happened between us
mess things up for you and Max.
You have no idea what
you're talking about.
You can give this business
everything you got,
and it's still probably
not gonna happen.
Why the hell would I
make it harder on myself?
Okay, you're right.
And I will never know what
it's like to not feel safe
sharing who I am with the world.
But wouldn't it be nice for
you to work with one person
who you know accepts
you for who you are?
Just promise me you'll think about it.
And also, wouldn't it
be fun to occasionally
crush it at karaoke with a
certain Tina Fey look-alike?
(VOCALIZES "U CAN'T TOUCH THIS")
- Stop.
- Hammer time. ♪
That girl is poison ♪
Poison ♪
- Poison ♪
- Carter?!
Never trust a big butt and a smile ♪
That girl is poison ♪
Carter! Carter!
- Randi?
- Yes. It's me.
Are you a ghost? Have you
been a ghost this whole time?
Oh, I knew you were too hot for me.
I'm stuck in a crawl
space behind the wall.
- What? Where?
- Over here.
Something's blocking me in.
Oh, damn.
I got you, baby.
(STRAINING)
Oh, thank God.
Oh, what's this?
Oh, you got a secret clubhouse?
Aw, hell no, they get to be in the club?
This is why my printer's out of ink?
When I was taking the
paneling off the wall,
I found this little room,
and I made into a secret hideaway.
Why didn't you tell me about it?
Because I was hiding away from you.
Me? I'm adorable.
Remember when I thought
you were a ghost?
I love you, but this
renovation is driving me crazy.
It's taking forever and
you keep changing your mind
about every damn thing.
I just want to make our place perfect.
Baby, I'm marrying you,
obviously I don't care about perfect.
Look, even if we're not
sure about something,
it's okay, we can
always change it later.
That's true.
You know, there is one
thing that I'm sure about.
It's that I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.
Aw. Me too, baby.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Just you,
me and the blue cabinets
I originally wanted.
Whatever you want.
Although green is
- I said blue!
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I got you a Mexican pizza.
And I know you don't allow flowers
because they are poisonous to cats,
but, uh, I just wanted to
get you something that says,
"I'm sorry that I was such a jackass."
No cats were harmed in
the making of this apology.
(MAX CHUCKLES)
Zoey wants to work with me again.
That's great.
And I know it's because you
went to see her, so thank you.
Max, come sit down.
Uh-oh, who'd you kiss now?
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Are you okay?
Not really.
When you found out about me and Zoey,
the first thing you
did was run after her.
Kind of felt like
all you cared about was your career.
- That's not true.
- Really?
'Cause you still haven't
asked me about it.
Like, did it mean anything?
Is it gonna happen again?
Did I like it?
The answers: no, no, kind of.
Again, jackass. (CHUCKLES)
That's why there's $38 worth
of flowers in the hallway.
No, I-I get it.
Like, you're happy that
things worked out, but
if Zoey didn't agree
to work with you again,
would you still be bringing me flowers?
But it did work out,
so what's the problem?
I've just been thinking about
what you said about your career,
you know, and, like
how you don't really
- have time for my feelings.
- All right,
I I got my priorities messed up.
Okay? From now on, I am always
- gonna put you first.
- Right,
but if you do and things don't work out,
I kind of feel like
you're gonna blame me.
I would never do that.
No, but that's literally
what you did yesterday.
I know, and I said I'm sorry.
I What
What else do you want
me to do to fix this?
I think that we should break up.
What?
Yeah.
Kat. Come on.
This is insane.
No, it-it's really not.
So, what, your mind is just made up?
You're not even gonna talk about this?
This is me talking about it,
and I'm just telling
you that I've decided
that this is what's best for both of us.
W Oh, wow. I'm so I'm so glad
that you have figured
out what is best for me.
Thank you so much.
- Okay, Max, you don't have
- Whatever.
(DOOR OPENS)
This is what's best for me.
("POISON" BY BELL BIV DEVOE PLAYING)
That girl is poison ♪
Never trust a big butt and a smile ♪
That girl is poison ♪
Poison ♪
If I were you ♪
I'd take precaution ♪
Before I start to meet a fly girl ♪
You know, 'cause in some portions. ♪