Corner Gas (2004) s03e19 Episode Script

You thinking of buying a car? Why would you say that? Because you're reading the Car Guide.
Oh.
I read it every year.
It's got everything, action, suspense, graphs.
Yeah, sure, it's a formula, but it works.
I'm thinking of buying a new car, but it's so intimating, and it's worse if you're a woman.
That's pretty sexist.
No.
No, I mean the salesmen don't give you as good a price.
Oh, yeah.
I thrive on that high pressure stuff.
I never buckle.
You want a piece of pie to go with that coffee? Uh, no.
Uh, yeah-yeah, okay, okay.
You know, if you're worried about this car thing, you should take a guy with ya.
That's a good idea.
I think I'll take ya up on that.
Hey, you wanna go look at cars with me? Okey-dokey.
Thanks, Hank.
You can tell me that your dog ran away Then tell me that it took three days I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say You think there's not a lot goin' on Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong And that's why you can stay so long Where there's not a lot goin' on You never see anyone with a good yo-yo anymore.
You always start conversations as though we've been having a conversation.
What? You used to see yo-yos all the time, but now they're disappearing.
Yeah, Davis, they're like the rainforest.
Ah, rainforest.
Who misses it? Speaking of yo-y.
Whe? I wajust saying, you never see yo-yos anymore.
It's like the rainforest, but sad.
I can'believe this.
You guys are eatin' doughnuts? So? Cops eating doughnuts, that's like dogs chasing cats.
Dogs do chase cats.
They're animals.
They don't know any better.
But you two have a choice.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss the yo-yo conversation.
Happier times.
Plus, doughnuts are like the worst thing in the world for ya.
What about gettin' a piano dropped on your head? How could this be the worst thing? A chainsaw accident can be painful.
It's just dough and nuts.
If you were at the zoo, leaning over the tiger pit and you fell into the tiger pit, that would be worse than doughnuts.
Joke all you want.
But I stay trim by eatin' healthy.
Oh, yeah? What do you snack on? ll, I st ate a pie.
But I got a fast metabolism.
It'll slow down once he hits puberty.
You here to pimp my ride? Notice anything different about me? Have I seen you in that green ball cap before? Yeah, lotsa times.
Guess again.
Um haircut? The sunglasses.
Oh, yes, that's right.
They make you look like a more distinguished Corey Hart.
Who's he? Is he important? Only the Secretary General of the UN.
I knew that.
So, what's with the sunglasses? Anniversary comin' up.
Emma always gives me my gift a week early, to remind me.
She does it out of spite, because she knows I'll screw it up and get her a crappy gift.
Getting something non-crappy never occurred to you? Oh, it's easy to say.
I don't know what to get her.
Well, coming to a gas station is a good start.
Motor oil, washer fluid, two-litre boleof pop.
Oh, she kes pop.
Don't get her pop.
Let's see.
I'm usually pretty good at this.
Have you thought of a day at the spa? Yeah.
That could get me to relax, help me to think.
Well, I kinda meant Emma.
Trust me, she'll love it.
Okay.
But you better hope you're right.
Am I forgetting something? I helped you, you threatened me.
I think that covers it.
Happy Anniversary.
What is it? A day at the spa.
Do you listen to anything I say? What a rip off those day spas are.
Promise me you'll never get me one for a present.
Okey-dokey.
This is the worst present ever! Okey-dokey.
Okay, you ready to go face some car salesmen? You bet.
Look what I found at the gas station.
Don't you have a lost and found? Well, I had one, but I lost it.
Isn't that ironic, don't ya think? You know what would be weird? If somebody put a lost, lost and found box in a lost and found box.
Now we have something to talk about in the car.
Right.
Let's not take any guff from those salesmen.
Guff? Strong language, but I think it's called for.
We'll brook no foolishness.
Check.
No guff brooking.
What's wrong with Guff Brooking? He's got some good tunes.
Okay, time to go.
Wait.
Are you two gonna pretend to be married? Why would we That's not a bad idea, Hank.
You should get some rings.
No, I don't think so.
Then you need a good story why you don't have rings.
Maybe you're gettin' them washed or you lost them.
I'd buy that.
I lost the lost and found.
We lost our wedding rings.
This marriage is in trouble.
Maybe you were at the zoo and you were leaning over the tiger cage Okay, I wanna go.
I wanna hear the tiger thing.
Hey, Emma, I hear it's anniversary time.
Oh, yeah.
Oscar get you somethin' good this year? Something tells me he did.
It's like he doesn't even know me.
What's wrong? He got me a day at the spa.
A monkey could come up with a gift like that.
A monkey? I mean, you don't think the spa's pleasant? Oh, yeah, total strangers touching me.
It's more pleasant talking to you.
No offence.
None taken.
Oh, I don't know why I'm snapping at you.
It's not like it's your fault.
I- I'm just so depressed.
What a stupid, stupid gift from a stupid, stupid person.
Right.
Well, a lot of people like the spa.
Well, you don't have to defend him.
Do you have any sugar? Is white all right, Your Highness? You know, Hank has a point.
What? That Darth Maul is better than Darth Vader? That is such garbage.
I meant about the doughnuts.
Tomorrow I'll bring us some healthy snacks.
How about plain doughnuts, baby steps? It'll be good, you'll see.
Sorry about goin' off on the Vader thing.
I know you hate it.
I don't hate it.
It just makes me pity you.
Everyone likes Darth Maul because he's got that double light sabre.
Anyone looks good with a double light sabre.
Yeah, a real chick magnet.
Hey, look, Guff Brooking.
Okay, let's go.
All right.
Let me just put my game face on.
Now, remember, cool detachment.
Cool detachment, I got it.
I'm kind of excited.
Get that smile off your face.
Cool detachment.
Whoa-ho-ho, do you see how fast these windows go up and down? You gotta get this one.
Ah, he's excited.
We just got married.
Can you give us a sec? Sure.
What are you doing? Oh.
I'm sorry, I got carried away.
Cool detachment.
Cool detachment.
But these windows Cool detachment.
All right, listen.
Don't let him talk you into any fancy extras.
You don't need a whole bunch of Hang on.
What? Is my bum getting warm? It's the seat warmers.
She'll take it.
Brent! All right, I admit it.
I was thrown by the windows.
And the bum warming.
Brent, you were like a different person.
I've never seen windows go that fast.
They were like rocket windows.
Give me another chance.
You guys made a commitment.
You gotta try and stick this fake marriage out.
We are not fake married.
Look, every fake relationship has its ups and downs.
It's what you do during the down periods that defines your commitment.
The fake reverend is right.
Mmm.
Boy, you can really taste the zucchini.
Thanks for makin' them.
Yeah.
I mean really taste it.
Yeah.
I'm not sure I like the taste of zucchini, but you sure can taste it.
They are a little dry.
Next time I'll add some raisins.
Or maybe chocolate chips.
Hey, good idea.
How far do you think I can throw this? I'll go first.
You're still steamed about the gift? A monkey could have gotten a better gift, honest to God, a monkey.
I tried my best.
And not a special monkey that knows sign nguage eitr, just a regular run-of-the-mill moey.
Give me another chance.
Where are your sunglasses, anyway? Did ya lose them? No.
I decided not to wear them until I got you a present that was more thoughtful.
Honest to God, a monkey.
This is going beer today.
Yes.
I still think we should go to a different lot and compare.
Why? This is just what you need.
I just want to look around.
Look around? This is a great car.
Didn't you telme not to ge the first one we looked at? I didn't you'd look at this one.
This is like the Batmobile.
Next you'll tell me to get the undercoating.
I bet Batman would.
Any questions? No.
Lookgive me a second to talk to her.
How long have you two been married? Oh Oh, you're probably wondering why we don't have rings.
Funny story.
We were at the zoo Brent! Let me tell the story, Honey.
Sorry! Zucchini.
Nice healthy choice.
A monkey coulda suggested a better gift.
Not a deaf one either, just any old monkey.
You people are obsessed with monkeys.
A spa day is a great gift.
A year's supply of bananas, that's a monkey gift.
You really dropped the ball on this one.
An old tire hanging from a rope, that's a monkey gift.
Spa day, great gift.
Well, Emma hated it.
I know.
You know nothing! So what do I get her? That's it? That's the fight? Come on, I need a woman's advice.
Where's Lacey? I need some advice.
I want some advice.
Too busy.
Which kinda chocolate chip tastes better? What makes a good anniversary present? I don't know, a day at the spa? You're the bottom of the barrel, but I'm desperate.
Oh, geez, I'd love to, Oscar.
But, uh, I was just about to staple my tongue.
Hmm, staple my tongue, help Oscar.
They're both so enjoyable.
Brent, it's my money and I don't want to buy it.
Oh, sot's youroney now.
What aboutur money? Alright.
But we've taken up this guy's time.
We owe him.
I think we should dicker.
Dicker, a waste of time.
He already said it was his best price.
You'll hurt his feelings.
We can't do that to Bill.
Think they'll buy? I don't know.
But look what I found? Hank, glad you're here.
Listen to Oscar, while I move on with my life.
I need a make-up gift for Emma.
I need a woman's advice.
I can give ya a woman's advice.
I'll go with a woman.
That's sexist.
Wanda, help me out, here.
Aaa-aa-aaah.
Oh, you're no use anyway.
Day at the spa.
Oh, don't get her one of those.
Those are a rip off.
Okay, look, makeup.
Every woman loves makeup.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a, oh, a, uh, whatchamacallit-oh, a- oh, hah, a job.
Makeup.
Seems good.
I don't know.
What? Never mind.
I got an idea, but you want a woman.
No, it's okay.
Shoot.
Right here.
Eh? Where have you been? I didn't know where you were.
Oh, sorry.
Did you need backup on that armed robbery? Try.
Ah, I don't know.
Just try.
Mmm, these are better.
I cut the amount of zucchini and threw in the chocolate chips.
Mmm, good thinkin', Partner.
Got some butter? Oh, they're nice and moist already.
I doubled up the butter.
Happy Anniversary.
What do ya think? A bathroom scale.
Wow.
Is that good, bad? Don't keep me in suspense, woman.
Oscar, I love it.
It shows you're worried about my health.
How did you come up with this idea? Well, I'm intuitive d, uh, I wanted to get you somethin' as nice as the sunglasses you got me.
Oh, put them on again.
I wanna see how you look in them.
Okay.
Oh, you didn't lose them, did ya? No.
I'll-I'll go get 'em.
Try this.
Healthy Snack Version Three.
Mmm, that is great.
What'd ya do? Well, I had another thought.
I replaced the zucchini with Smarties.
Well, I gotta say, I don't miss the zucchini.
What about the chocolate chips? Oh, I kept those.
Good idea.
Because we want to eat healthy, but it should still taste good.
Does the frosting help or hurt? , it helps, really hel.
Mmm-hmm-mmmm.
Oscar really came through for me with the anniversary gift.
Well, you look beaeautiful.
Well, thanks.
Anyway, Oscar gave me the nicest gift.
What brand? Sears.
It's digital.
Digital makeup? Digital scale.
He gave me a bathroom scale.
It's so romantic, shows he's thinking about my health.
Ah, that old smoothie.
I thought he was getting you makeup.
Oh, thank God he didn't.
Can you imagine? Honestly.
Yeah, yeah, a monkey.
Hey, good work, Karen.
This was a really good idea you had, Hank.
Eating these muffins has really made me feel more energetic, especially ten minutes after I eat them.
Then I kinda crash.
So I just eat another one.
I'm glad I could help.
You stay the course.
Mmm.
It's tough goin', but I'm worth it.
Okay, so that didn't go too well.
No, it didn't.
That Bill guy is slick.
We should go to a new lot.
Good idea.
And I won't get flustered next time.
No, you won't.
It'll go better at this place.
Shouldn't we have rings? I think I left my sunglasses here.
Where's the lost and found box? Oh, it's been missing for a long time.
I think someone stole it.
People are jerks.
You can't trust nobody.
Hey, why do you hound me for gift advice and then ignore it? I liked Hank's idea better.
Hank's? Yeah.
Hank's? Yeah.
What? Hank's? Stop saying that.
But I love you.
I've always loved you.
It can never work out.
We work at two different car dealerships.
But Hey, we'd like to look at some cars.
I never want to see you again.
Oh, wait.
You dropped your sunglasses.
Hank's? I gained three pounds.
We're going back to doughnuts.
Doughnuts? But I don't have the willpower.
Tough it out.
Maybe after we eat a doughnut, we could reward ourselves with muffins.
You got a new car, with Hank? Oh, Hank was great.
He got them to knock $000 off her bestffer.
I'm good at payin' less for stuff.
Yeah, well, I can see I'm not needed here.
I can use so gas.
Maybe Hank can pump it for ya.
I think I hurt his feelings.
Looks like it.
What were we talking about before? Oh, yeah.
Darth Maul would be a way better apprentice than Darth Vader would.
Oscar.
Yeah, Sweetie? I found your sunglasses case and it's empty.
They're expensive.
You should keep them in here.
Nah.
I like to go commando.
That's not what that phrase means.
I don't wanna keep them cooped up in a case.
They wanna be free and easy.
Are we still talking about sunglasses? Where are they, anyway? I heard Lacey bought a car.
Love ya.
Hey.
Brent's mad about the car thing.
Hmm.
Maybe you should get him a make-up gift, ease the pain a little.
You know, that is a great idea.
Thanks.
Oh, um, but just so we're clear, I don't mean buy Brent makeup.
Right.
Because that was at the top of my list, right next to nail polish.
What shouldI get him? Hey, is that the new one? Yeah.
You want it? You're not gonna finish it? No, man.
I lived it.
So, are you gonna admit it? What? That you lost the sunglasses.
They're right there.
Well, pick them up, before you lose them.
I'll get to it.
I know the whole car thing didn't work out, but I wanted to say thanks a lot for all your help.
Wha, well.
A money clip.
Is this your way of reminding me how much money you saved by using Hank? What? Hey, Lacey, you were right.
I, uh, I talked Lacey into buying you that money clip.
My mistake.
What she really wanted to get ya was this.
Whoa! A yo-yo! That's good? I'm gonna do Around the World, Spank the Baby, Walk the Dog.
Ah.
So, that's good.
Hey-aay, a yo-yo.
You never see those anymore.
Yeah, you're right.
I never ought, but Can we please talk about something else, like Darth Vader? Lacey get you a gift? Yeah, a yo-yo.
Well, of course.
If I had said "ball glove," you woulda got a pony.
I went with Hank's idea.
Hank's? They're around here somewhere.
They'd better be.
Hey, look, sunglasses.
They're mine.
They're mine.
They're mine.
Hank's? Closed Captioning by I don't know the same things you don't know I don't know I just don't know It's a great big place full of nothin' but space and it's my happy place I don't know Yes you do You just won't admit it Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com I don't know I just don't know