Ed (2000) s03e19 Episode Script
Babysitting
1 Previously: -Frankie is cute and funny and smart and sweet and she's not too screwed up to appreciate you.
Sounds like the perfect package to me.
Yes, I like you.
-You do? Very much.
Want to go to my place? -Yeah.
Come on, Ed.
You guys are so cute together.
When are you going to make your move? Yeah, act now while supplies last.
So Frankie and I slept together.
You would really think I would be better at this by now.
ED: Hey! Hey.
Hey.
Well, Frankie's off.
In just four hours, she'll be back home visiting her parents, telling them about the great guy she's seeing.
Hey, she and Leon are back together? You left an opening.
I had to take a swing.
NANCY: No, I understand.
Yeah, bye.
It's official.
We're screwed.
What's the matter? Our weekend at the bed-and-breakfast, our first weekend without Sarah? Forget it.
No dice on the baby-sitter? No.
Apparently, she signed an exclusive contract with the Podorski family.
From now on, she watches their kids and their kids alone.
Ridiculous.
I thought your parents were coming into town.
My dad blew his back out lifting a trunk.
The man never lifts with his legs.
Carmela.
BOTH: Arts and Crafts Expo.
Well, then, what about Eddie Poppins? ED: What? Come on.
I believe Dionne Warwick said it best when she said, "That's what friends are for.
" Oh, Eddie, I don't know.
Why not? Give me one good reason.
Oh, for one thing, you quote Dionne Warwick.
I don't want that around my kid.
Come on! I'm great with Sarah.
We know, but have you ever spent a lot of time taking care of a child? Well, I What? (snickering) What? (laughs) ED: What? The thought of you with a child is just Laughable? Yes-- no, I didn't say that.
Eddie, a three-year- old is a handful.
Yeah, you've only seen Sarah's good side.
She's got a mean streak a mile long.
I insist.
What do you think? Well, he's no weirder than you are and you're her father.
Why not? Yes! Eddie Poppins lives.
One condition.
What's that? Don't ever call yourself Eddie Poppins again.
Uh I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watchin' the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
NANCY: Okay, let's review: her clothes.
Clothes are laid out on her dresser according to the day and temperature.
Hats, coats, jackets in the hall closet.
Favorite shoes are currently on her feet.
Her food? Food on the bottom shelf of the fridge.
She will not eat anything that's white.
She's currently unaware that carrots are a vegetable.
Eggplants are technically a fruit.
Good.
Good.
Now, if she gets cranky? If she gets cranky,Angelina Ballerina is in the VCR.
If she plays any games with me, she gets the red pieces and she gets to win.
And on Saturday? I figure I'll sit her down on the couch with a bag of sugar and a spoon.
We're going to watch some NASCAR.
Kidding.
Saturday, we have a play date at 11:00, which I will attend with that activity bag on that dining room table right there.
Nance, we got to go.
Ed, take good care of her.
I will.
You guys have earned a vacation.
It'll be fine.
Honey, are there any questions or anything we haven't covered? Yeah.
Well, there's one thing here.
I don't see anything here about wolf attacks.
Okay, that's hilarious.
That's hilarious.
(chuckling) Good-bye, honey.
Good-bye, sweetie.
You be a good girl for Uncle Eddie, huh? Will you? Mommy loves you so much.
Bye, sweetie.
(loud kisses) Daddy loves you.
Mommy loves you even more.
(loud kisses) (sighs) Eddie, I trust you, but just so we're clear: If anything should happen to her I will make my life's work to destroy whatever it is you hold most dear.
Great.
Great.
Kiss.
Bye.
See ya.
See you, brother.
Have a good time.
See ya.
(sighs) Eli, did you check out this week's "True Story of Inspiration"? It is so lame.
The story about the guy who reads to blind people? Come on.
Is that really the best that they got? Yeah, whatever.
I'm inspired by the fact that I still put up with your broken brain.
Yeah, we do make an odd couple, don't we? You the odd one.
Yeah, but I mean, it really is amazing when you think about it.
Yes, it is.
Yeah, the vanilla and the chocolate, the salt and the pepper, the chicken breast and the chicken leg All right, easy, dude.
Hey, you know what they should do? What is that, Stubby? They should do a story about us, you know.
Like white guy, black guy working together, side by side, in harmony, loving and respecting one another.
I mean, it's unbelievable.
This isn't Montgomery, summer of '55, right? No, it isn't.
This is Stuckeyville 2003.
And, now, we may have come a long way from the days of Black Crows laws, we still have a long way to go.
Black Crows laws? That's Jim.
Dude, whatever.
Just leave me out of it, all right? But you're the only black person I know.
Sarah you might think of me as your funny Uncle Ed, who always brings joy and sunshine and endless laughter, but right now we have some business to take care of, because while I may not be a parent, nor have any direct parenting experience, I want you to know, Miss Burton, that I am more than prepared for a few days together.
Because I have seen both Three Men And A Baby andThree Men And A Little Lady, and I want you to know the lessons of both these outstanding films did not fall on deaf ears.
The panicked foot chases, the breaking of lamps, the spilling of food and the baby powder mishaps these are precisely the types of behavior that we want to avoid because the successful completion of our time together, it'll reflect very well on both of us, Sarah.
So, what do you say? Does that sound good? Oh, Mike, look at this place! It's adorable! Oh, of course.
Only the best for my woman.
Oh (dogs barking) (Nancy gasps) Hey, puppies.
Hey, puppy.
Hey.
What are you doing, baby? (gasps) You must be the Burtons! -Hello.
Yes.
Hi.
Welcome to the Berirnger House B&B! Hello.
I'm Linda Berringer.
Pleasure.
Hi.
Hey! I see you've met Pacino and DeNiro.
Yeah.
Why did you name them that? Because when I got them, they were both in heat.
(laughs) I-I don't get it.
Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro were both in the movieHeat.
Remember? Oh, right, right! Remember? Do you get it, honey? Yeah.
That's clever.
Oh, he doesn't get it.
You see, there was this motion picture calledHeat I get it, Linda.
Oh, okay.
Looks like somebody could use a little B&B-style R&R asap.
You know what I mean? Come on, you two.
I'll show you to your room.
She's nuts.
Michael.
Whoo.
PHIL: Let me tell you something about John Leguizamo.
Phil? Legs was still doing dinner theater in Dubuque when I took him under my wing.
I told him, I said, "Legs, three words: one-man show.
" And the ------- did it and he never looked back.
Phil.
Carol Vessey, there you are.
What are you doing here? Hey, listen, you still working for the Stuckeyville Progress? I do on occasion, yes.
Good, because I have got a story that'll be your bus ticket out of this landfill.
A story? Let me guess, a story about you.
No, it's not about me.
It's about love, and it's about respect and it's about us.
Okay, here's my pitch: Two men: Philip W.
Stubbs, Eli C.
Goggins, from two different worlds, kept apart by so much, yet who struggled day in and day out to find a common ground on which to stand together, united-- one.
Right.
So, it's a story about you and Eli working at the bowling alley.
Working, living, laughing, sharing, playing, crying.
I'm sorry, no.
What, you're passing on it? Uh, yeah, I'm sorry.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I feel sorry for you because when this story is published, and it will be published, you're going to be sorry.
Good! You can put those over there.
And in the bathroom, you will find complimentary toiletries, including a moisturizer made especially for Berringer House.
Is that right? It's wonderful.
Feel my hands.
Go ahead.
Pretty, pretty moist there, Linda.
I know.
Aren't they? Linda, this is perfect.
I love it.
Oh, good, good, good! Okay, so get yourselves settled and come downstairs if you like and help yourself to a glass of Merlot and a little seat by the fire.
Oh, we will.
Thank you so much, Linda.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Good.
Okay.
Great.
Thanks.
What do you think? I think I'm scared of Linda.
Oh, she's sweet.
Oh, Mike, I'm so happy.
This is so nice! Yeah, nice and peaceful.
This is going to be good.
Mike, stop eating that.
It's potpourri.
Oh.
Hey, Carol.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing here? I mean, what's up? I mean, how's it going? I just stopped by to see how things were going with Sarah.
Is everything okay? Yeah, everything's fine.
You okay? Yeah.
Like I said, everything's fine.
You going to let me in? Ed, let me in.
Hey, wait! Hi, Sarah.
You okay? She's fine.
That's what I said.
No, you said it in a way that you were hiding something, like I thought she wasn't fine.
I know.
That's what I was going for.
From the beginning of time, man has harbored a great fascination for fire.
It sustains us, yet it can destroy us at its whim.
(fire crackling) I'm musing on fire.
No, it's good.
Honey, this is the best, isn't it? (guitar plays) LINDA: Lay, lady, lay Lay across my big brass bed (laughter) Come on, Burtons! Come on over and join us for the famous Berringer Inn Sing-along! We're comfortable back here, thanks.
LINDA: Aah, boo.
I guess we have to come over there, then, huh? Come over here? (Linda humming) Stay, lady, stay Stay with your man awhile Till the break of day Let me see you make him smile Let me see me make you smile, Dr.
Burton.
LINDA: Everybody, now! ALL: His clothes are dirty, but his hands are clean And you're the best thing that he's ever seen Lay, lady, lay ED: After Princess Sarah saved Coco and Bobo and their dog Spot from that terrible tornado, everyone in the entire country sent Princess Sarah flowers.
In fact, there were so many flowers that Princess Sarah's Magic Castle was filled to the very top with flowers.
The end.
(whispering): Okay.
(whispering): Good night, Sarah.
Sweet dreams.
(breathes sigh of relief) (Sarah crying softly) Hey, honey, what's the matter? What's the matter? You miss your mommy? Aw okay.
It is time for you to stop all of your sobbing (crying louder) Mom, Mommy.
You want to listen to music? No! Yes, it's time for you to stop all of your sobbing Oh, oh Want some more? No? No! There's one thing you gotta do Magical Sleep Powder.
A little Magical Sleep Powder? To make me still want you Gotta stop sobbing now Hi, Sarah.
Go to sleep.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it Want Sharky? No.
Each little tear that falls from your eyes Hi.
Hi, Sarah.
I'm Yeah.
Makes, makes me want Whoo.
To take you in my arms (guffawing) And tell you to stop all your sobbing (bawling) We hear you're leaving That's okay Mrs.
Messinger.
(guitar playing) I thought our little wild time had just begun Great stuff.
I guess you kind of scared yourself, you turn and run If you could have a change of heart Rikki, don't lose that number You don't wanna call nobody else Everyone! Send it off in a letter to yourself Dr.
Burton again! Rikki, don't lose that number It's the only one you own (ringing) Hello? (Sarah crying) Carol, hey.
Hey, Ed.
What are you doing? Uh, well, I, uh (crying continues) had a little problem over here with Sarah.
Nothing.
What's wrong? No, I'm just trying to get her to go to bed, and But she she misses Mike and Nancy, so she So I'm Well, here.
(Sarah crying) I'll be there in five minutes.
Thank you.
Hmm (knock at door) Yeah, yeah.
I want Daddy and Mommy! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Carol, hi.
Thank God.
I want Daddy and Mommy! Hi.
Is that Yeah, honey a, uh honeydew helmet.
I want Daddy, Mommy.
I know, honey.
It seems to be really doing the trick.
I want Daddy and Mommy! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm at the end of my rope here.
Give me the child.
I want Daddy and Mommy! Aw Aw there she goes.
I want Daddy and Mommy! (crying stops) There you go.
Yeah.
There you go.
You're a good girl.
You're gonna quiet down now.
Yes.
Good girl.
No way.
How did you do that? It takes a woman's touch.
Call me if you need me.
(Sarah screaming) Need you.
(crying) Oh, Sarah, I'm sorry.
Honey, I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I want Daddy! Honey, I'm sorry you miss your mommy.
Yeah, let's get a picture.
A picture, a picture of Mommy and (Sarah bawling) Oh.
Hey, this would be even better.
Hey, look, honey, we're going to bring Mommy and Daddy right to you on a home video.
Quick, put it in.
Put it in.
Pop it in.
(crying) I am.
(Carol groans) Okay.
Okay, okay.
MIKE (mimics Don Corleone): Someday, and this day may never come, I'll call on you to perform a service for me.
(Sarah stops crying) But until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day.
NANCY (laughing): That was great, honey.
Now do Joe Pesci.
Aw MIKE (mimics Joe Pesci): I'm funny? I'm funny to you? I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? Is that it? I'm here to amuse you? To amusement? NANCY: Hit me with some Church Lady.
That's your daddy.
MIKE (falsetto): Well, isn't that special? NANCY: Awesome! Shirley, have you noticed what a delightful addition Eli has been to our Stuckeybowl family? I mean, when Jimmy left I believe you mean Kenny.
Kenny, right, the big guy.
I thought he would never be replaceable, but then along comes Eli, and I feel a real connection to him.
I know what you mean.
Before he came, you were a cold, narcissistic cipher.
Now you seem almost human.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Well, I want to take that message of friendship-- friendship that sees beyond color-- and show it to the world, but I need your help.
How so? Okay, well, I'm putting together this multimedia "collage" for the editor of theProgress.
Music, slides, the whole shebang.
Trouble is, I need some photos of me and Eli.
I heard him say he hated the idea.
Oh,pshaw.
Now, if he asks, just say you're updating your photo album, 'kay? What's in it for me? Disposable camera? MIKE: So, is this gonna be one of those group breakfasts? 'Cause I'll tell you right now, I'm not gonna talk to anybody.
Don't be so antisocial.
I'm all socialed out after last night.
I'm only talking to you.
Mike (lively chatter) (under breath): Let's make a run for it.
Well, if it isn't Dr.
and Mrs.
Van Winkle! We've been waiting for you two sleepyheads! GUESTS: Good morning.
-Okay, Nancy, I put you right here between the Messingers.
LINDA: And, Mike I've got you right here between the Jespersons.
Uh, Linda, if it's all the same, I'd like to sit next to my wife.
Oh, honey, it's okay.
It's okay.
It's fine, Linda.
This is fine.
That's the spirit.
Okay.
Now, I noticed that you two were the only ones that didn't sign up for our little snowshoeing expedition.
LINDA: Didn't you see the activity sheet? Uh, no, actually, we didn't.
(weak laugh) It's in the foyer.
Shall I sign you two up for it? Sure.
Yeah.
That'd be great.
(muttering approval) LINDA: Okay.
Now, for breakfast this morning, we will be serving a wonderful pan-fried brook trout, Oh caught fresh this morning by yours truly.
LINDA: Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you, gang.
Have you got any Special K? I'm sorry, what? I'm sure the trout is just delightful, but I'd rather have a little Special K.
Oh, you're funny, Mike.
Looks like we have a real comedian here, you guys.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a little round of applause for Mr.
Paul Rodriguez! (raucous laughter) A little comedy in the morning.
Okay, here we go.
Ooh Ah! Some brook trout! (laughter) How about that? For the lovely lady.
We ready? Lock and load.
Hey, you need a hand there, good buddy? Hey, thanks a lot, Phil.
Could you pass me that adjustable wrench there? PHIL: Yeah, sure.
Here.
Phil, would you pass me the wrench? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(camera clicks) What are you doing? You know what? Let me just get behind there for a second.
(camera clicks) Boo, what's the camera about? Updating my photo album.
Please shake hands.
What? Please shake hands.
I love pictures of people shaking hands.
Whatever you want, Boo.
Please continue to shake hands.
We good? Lovingly embrace each another, please.
Come on-- for Shirley.
For Shirley.
Get over here.
You know you love this.
(camera clicking) (softly): Hey.
(mutters) Carol, hey, wake up.
You got to see this.
What is it? Come, come with me.
Come on.
Hmm? ED: Look at her.
Ah.
There we go.
(laughter) MIKE: I feel ridiculous.
Why? Giant shoes.
Oh, come on.
This isn't so bad.
The woman made me eat trout for breakfast.
Okay! Eyes up, head up! (gasps) Let's take a little roll call to make sure I haven't lost any of my ducks.
Okay, when I call your name, I'd like you to please sound off.
Mrs.
Jesperson? Here.
Yes.
Mr.
Jesperson? Here.
Righto.
Mrs.
Messinger? Right here! I'd really prefer it if you just said, "Here.
" Oh, I-I'm sorry.
Uh, here.
I was just kidding.
That was just a little joke.
(laughter) It's like my thing! (laughing harder): Gotcha! Okay.
Mr.
Messinger? Here.
Okay.
Mrs.
Burton? Here.
And Dr.
Burton? Hey, sound off.
I'm not sounding off.
Please sound off.
I will not sound off.
Dr.
Burton? (under breath): I am begging you to sound off.
The woman can see me.
There's no reason to sound off.
Yoo-hooty-hoo-hoo? He's right here, Linda.
Oh, there you are, Mr.
Muscles! You doing okay? Okay, then, off we shall go.
(all others laughing and shouting) So Mike and Nancy failed to explain that Sarah here turns into the Screaming Skull at the stroke of 9:00 p.
m.
How are you holding up? Mm, nothing like a shower and about 17 hours of sleep can't fix.
Wait, wait, you got a busy, crazy weekend planned or? Why, you want me to stay? Do you want to stay? Do you want me to stay or ask me to stay? If I ask you to stay, will you stay? I'm leaving.
Will you stay? Okay.
Thank you.
CAROL: It's fine.
It's kind of fun.
Yeah.
So, when's Frankie come back? Couple days.
How's that going, you two still good? Yeah.
Um We hit a few rough patches there with the whole working-together thing, but we're I think we're past that, so That's great.
She's good girl.
Funny, pretty, smart, down-to-earth, the whole whole package.
What's up? -What? Hey, every time Frankie's name comes up, you launch into this whole monologue, praising her virtues.
So? I think she's great.
Yeah, I got that.
So? So? So, that's all.
Come on, Carol.
Do you remember how you felt when I first started dating Dennis? It's just weird, that's all.
Now, Missy, who's gonna be all dressed up for her play date? Who's gonna look so pretty for her play date? Sarah is! Yes, she is! How are we doing? Good.
Good.
Especially considering she wanted to wear her ballet tutu over her pants, and her shoes on her hands.
Okay.
(phone ringing) Oh, yeah.
There you go.
All dressed.
25 minutes later.
(ringing continues) Burtons' house, you've reached Ed.
Hey, Mrs.
Moriarty.
How Ready? One, two, three ED: Really? Gosh.
No, no, listen, no, I understand Yes, a fever of 102 is nothing to disregard.
Well, I'll bet she does feel like a baked potato.
Okay.
Yeah-- no, no, fine.
Listen, we'll do it another time.
Okay, sure, fine.
Bye.
(phone hangs up) So the play date's off.
Mary's sick.
No.
Honey, I'm sorry, your little friend is sick.
What are we gonna do? I don't know, but I can tell you one thing: She's staying in those clothes.
Then I guess we'd better go outside.
So be it.
One, two three.
Oh, yes, there goes the girl! Okay, I'm gonna go first, then you.
We'll be less easy to spot that way.
Okay, go.
LINDA: There he is, Dr.
Bur-TONE! Burton.
The name's Burton.
I know that, Silly Billy.
I was just trying to think of a little nickname for you.
Hey, what about "Silly Billy"? No, thanks.
Yeah, we can do bet Hey, there's Nance! How you doing? Perfect.
I need both of you outside, on the front lawn, in five minutes.
Why? For what? For a little surprise activity.
Nope.
Pardon? Mike and I were on our way out back to sit on that bench and look at the woods together.
Okay, that's supercalifragilistic- expialadocious, but you can do that right after the surprise activity.
Uh, Linda, we, uh You can call me "L.
" I'd prefer not to.
Mike and I just kind of want to be alone together.
Snowball fight! What? That's the surprise activity, snowball fight! And let me make a pledge to both of you.
I, Linda Bootsatapopalous, promise you that you two will have thetime of your life! I thought your last name was "Berringer.
" That's a stage name.
So, are you ready to have thetime of your life! No.
We're going to go sit on that bench.
All right.
Well, if you change your mind, we're going to be the ones out there having thetime of our lives! So this is where the kids come to play in the winter.
Yeah.
Look at old Sarah in the tunnels! Bet she'd make a great spelunker.
CAROL: Oh, so true.
And there are not enough children interested in a future in cave exploration these days.
SARAH: Hi, Mary.
You don't suppose that's Mary Moriarty, do you? Oh, you're doing so good.
Hey.
Hey, oh, hi.
Excuse me.
Are you Mrs.
Moriarty, Mary's mom? That's me.
Yes, I'm Ed Stevens, and I'm taking care of Sarah this weekend.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Yes.
I thought Mary was sick.
I thought Yeah.
Um She's feeling better.
Is she? She's feeling better? Who's the little girl playing with Mary? Who's that little tyke? MRS.
MORIARTY: Oh, that's Kathy Yu, Mary's best friend.
Oh.
We were under the impression that Sarah was was Mary's best friend.
No.
She spends more time with Kathy.
Wh-Why not include Sarah, though? I mean, why not include Sarah? Mary just wanted to play with Kathy.
That doesn't make much sense to me.
Doesn't make much sense to us.
Yeah, see Sarah, see how great she's doing with the tunnels? And-and what is Kathy doing? She's rolling around on the mat.
How exciting is that? Easy, easy there, Supermom.
I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you.
I mean, Mary was insistent.
I mean You know how kids are.
Can I get you coffee, tea, liqueur? I know how you newspapermen love to drink.
No, I'm fine.
Listen, you said on the phone something about a prostitution ring being run out of here? Yeah, that's pretty much been taken care of actually, but I have got a story that is gonna knock the paint off your walls.
Wait a minute.
There isn't a prostitution ring? Well, uh.
Whoa! Just give five minutes.
You won't regret it.
Shirley, lights.
(triumphant music plays) America beneath its shiny veneer lies a country still dealing with a deeply troubled past.
A country, in many ways, that remains divided, torn, hewn But in a small corner of this fractured nation-- this fractured America-- two men have begun the healing process.
(triumphant music building) Two men who have refused to live by society's rules-- to abide by the racism, the hatred, the ignorance.
Two men who have learned to live work laugh cry and love together.
(triumphant music continues) PHIL: Now, I'm not saying we need to be above the fold on this.
I don't think you need a thermometer to know how hot this property is.
(door slams open) What are you doing? PHIL: There he is Eli Meet Mr.
Raymond Dobbs.
Mr.
Dobbs's been doing the piece on us.
Phil, didn't I tell you I didn't want nothing to do with this, man? I was serious, man.
I don't want no part of this.
No disrespect to you.
Yeah, I understand completely.
You were the guy in that accident over off Joppa Road, right? Yeah, that was me.
Yeah, we did a story on it.
If you don't mind me asking, how's the how's the recovery been going? Well, pretty good.
Thanks for asking.
Mr.
Dobbs, don't get distracted by the wheelchair.
Focus on our differing skin colors.
Yeah.
Look, um, I got a 3:00.
I got to run.
We should talk sometime.
No problem.
Buzz my cell! Let's get this deal done.
Mmm, this is nice, isn't it? Yep.
Just a couple of kids in love Arrrgh! Gonna take that tall one first, maties! (laughter) Hey, that's very uncomfortable! Come on, throw back at us! (yelling): You listen here, lady! (laughter stops) Sorry.
Did I not make it perfectly clear that we wanted no part in this snowball fight? Come on! Scamper, throw snowballs.
You two are being so static over there.
Look! My wife and I are trying to have a simple weekend here (yelling): and you're ruining it! Okay, you're frightening me.
Good! Good.
If that's what takes for us to be left alone, be frightened.
Okay, sir, I'm going to ask you to take a step back, and if you don't, I'm going to blow this safety whistle.
Blow the whistle, Linda! Blow the whistle! Mike, you're screaming.
That's right, I'm screaming, because Linda Stephanapolous here has ruined our weekend!! Oh,I ruined your weekend? (screaming): Yeah! No.
You know what? You ruined your weekend, okay? I have been doing this for 17 years, and I know what people want more than they themselves do.
That's ridiculous.
Oh, is it? You're a doctor.
What do you do? Do you let your patients pick their own treatments? Do you? That's different.
No, it's not different, because you know better than them.
So, forgive me for trying to give you the benefit of my 17 years of experience in the inn business.
Forgive me for waking up at 5:00 in the morning to catch you a trout so that you could have something memorable for breakfast! Forgive me for pressuring you to go snowshoeing when I happen to know that everybody that takes that trip ends uploving it.
In short, forgive me for caring about your weekends, okay? Come on, people, let's go back to the front lawn.
I don't like trout for breakfast.
Oh ED: Can you believe that woman? She's so rude.
Oh, my God.
It's not like she had a choice.
You know what I mean? It's the whole crazy thing.
Why would someone do something like that? I know, especially to Sarah, Queen of Bubbleworld.
It's a snub.
You don't snub a three-year-old.
No.
Man, I'm evil.
What? What is it? Well, if Mary's mom doesn't want "Arah-say" in her little playgroup, we'll just have to make it so that every other kid would kill to play with her.
I'm not hearing the evil part.
The evil part is we throw Sarah the best kids' party.
We dress up in crazy costumes and we play crazy games, and we give away big bags of candy.
But it-it's an evil party? We invite every kid that Sarah knows except for Mary.
Mary's mom didn't want them to play together.
You are a horrible person.
I love it.
I did that in high school.
Kora Wilson tried to snub me, so I threw a toga party and I invited absolutely everyone but Kora.
Everyone.
Huh Well, I guess you must have a different definition of "everyone" than I do, because I don't recall being invited to any toga parties in high school.
I think you may be right, Mr.
Stevens.
Please accept my sincerest apologies.
(laughs) Apology accepted.
I can't let it go.
I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
I lost my cool, okay? You screamed at the top of your lungs at the nicest woman in the world.
I know.
(sighs) I'm sorry.
This argument has been the most fun I've had since we got here.
What? Yeah, 'cause it's just us.
I never dreamed of going on vacation with the Jespersons.
I came here to be withyou.
(sighs) Come here, you big moose.
ELI (chuckling): Check out my smile, Shirley.
Check out that million-dollar smile.
Hmm.
I'd put it closer to three or $400,000.
But the hat is spectacular.
Aw, thank you.
I appreciate that.
Listen to this.
"Eli Goggins's hardworking, positive attitude "makes him the linchpin that holds Stuckeybowl together.
" It's true, you are the linchpin.
Yeah, but I couldn't do it without you.
You the glue.
You my Shirley-glue.
Come on, Phil.
Come on, man.
Check it out.
Trying to eat here, thank you.
Phil, come on, man.
It's not that serious, man.
No, it's not.
Want me to look at it? Fine.
I can handle this.
Okay.
That stings.
(drops candy) Hey, children.
Have some vittles.
Ed, what are you supposed to be? I'm a space cowboy.
Space? I thought we agreed on a Wild west theme.
No,you agreed on a Wild West theme.
I wanted outer space.
Hence, the compromise.
(gun buzzing) There's no such thing as a space cowboy.
Oh, really? Hmm.
I'll show you.
Watch this.
Hey, kids.
Who wants to ride the space cowboy? Hop aboard.
It's piggyback time! Come on, now.
Who wants a? Come on, jump on there.
Wha! Okay, um Who's on board? You onboard, little climber? Andrew, look what I made you.
All right, now.
It's a horse with a dog's face (Ed groans) and giraffe's legs.
Whoa! It's very rare.
(laughing) (kids screaming) Huh? Oh! Go on, sweetie.
Just wait one second.
All right.
Ed's got to go take a look at something.
Okay.
Let's go.
Howdy.
Big, uh, party, huh? Yes, big party.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess I, uh, don't know what to tell you.
You know how kids are.
-Yeah.
GIRL: Ew! What's that, sweetie? Oh.
I know.
Watch out.
Well, I guess we better be heading back to the party.
Got to keep the kids safe from all the aliens.
(gun buzzes) Space cowboy.
Uh, Mrs.
Moriarty, uh, maybe, um maybe Mary would like to join the party.
She'd love to.
Well, much obliged.
You're my sweet lady, Nance.
Nance? Shh.
I need time for sleep.
What? You don't want to hear my words of love? No, honey.
Not now.
Write them down.
(guitar playing) LINDA: See the curtains hangin' in the window In the evening on a Friday night A little light-a-shinin' through the window Lets me know everything's all right Summer breeze makes me feel fine Blowing through the jasmine of my mind.
Whoo! So, the princess put the fish back in the magic fishbowl.
And she jumped on Steve the Flying Dog, and they took off back to the castle.
And when they got back to the castle, the magic fish filled the entire castle up with candy.
And there was a problem, 'cause dogs couldn't eat chocolate.
And Steve the Flying Dog was headed straight for a Kit Kat.
Ed.
So Hello.
Hi.
Hey, look who's back.
Carol! Did you have to bail out Ed? Uh, no.
I came by just to say hi.
So, any problems? How did the, um, play date go? Yeah, preschool scuttlebutt has it Mary's a biter.
Well, let's just say the play date bar's been raised significantly.
(sighs) Well, we did it.
We successfully parented a child.
That we did.
Yeah.
You're going to make a really good dad someday.
Oh, I don't know about that, Carol.
I think it was your mom skills that got us through this weekend.
Actually, I think you may be right about that.
(chuckles) Hey, do you want to go over to the diner? Get a cup of coffee or something? I'd love to.
I'd love to.
I um I have to go to the airport and pick up Frankie.
Oh, uh, yeah, I forgot about that.
I think the gang's meeting tomorrow at the Goat.
Yeah, right.
-So, I'll see you there? Yes.
(car engine starts) (SUV engine starts)
Sounds like the perfect package to me.
Yes, I like you.
-You do? Very much.
Want to go to my place? -Yeah.
Come on, Ed.
You guys are so cute together.
When are you going to make your move? Yeah, act now while supplies last.
So Frankie and I slept together.
You would really think I would be better at this by now.
ED: Hey! Hey.
Hey.
Well, Frankie's off.
In just four hours, she'll be back home visiting her parents, telling them about the great guy she's seeing.
Hey, she and Leon are back together? You left an opening.
I had to take a swing.
NANCY: No, I understand.
Yeah, bye.
It's official.
We're screwed.
What's the matter? Our weekend at the bed-and-breakfast, our first weekend without Sarah? Forget it.
No dice on the baby-sitter? No.
Apparently, she signed an exclusive contract with the Podorski family.
From now on, she watches their kids and their kids alone.
Ridiculous.
I thought your parents were coming into town.
My dad blew his back out lifting a trunk.
The man never lifts with his legs.
Carmela.
BOTH: Arts and Crafts Expo.
Well, then, what about Eddie Poppins? ED: What? Come on.
I believe Dionne Warwick said it best when she said, "That's what friends are for.
" Oh, Eddie, I don't know.
Why not? Give me one good reason.
Oh, for one thing, you quote Dionne Warwick.
I don't want that around my kid.
Come on! I'm great with Sarah.
We know, but have you ever spent a lot of time taking care of a child? Well, I What? (snickering) What? (laughs) ED: What? The thought of you with a child is just Laughable? Yes-- no, I didn't say that.
Eddie, a three-year- old is a handful.
Yeah, you've only seen Sarah's good side.
She's got a mean streak a mile long.
I insist.
What do you think? Well, he's no weirder than you are and you're her father.
Why not? Yes! Eddie Poppins lives.
One condition.
What's that? Don't ever call yourself Eddie Poppins again.
Uh I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watchin' the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
NANCY: Okay, let's review: her clothes.
Clothes are laid out on her dresser according to the day and temperature.
Hats, coats, jackets in the hall closet.
Favorite shoes are currently on her feet.
Her food? Food on the bottom shelf of the fridge.
She will not eat anything that's white.
She's currently unaware that carrots are a vegetable.
Eggplants are technically a fruit.
Good.
Good.
Now, if she gets cranky? If she gets cranky,Angelina Ballerina is in the VCR.
If she plays any games with me, she gets the red pieces and she gets to win.
And on Saturday? I figure I'll sit her down on the couch with a bag of sugar and a spoon.
We're going to watch some NASCAR.
Kidding.
Saturday, we have a play date at 11:00, which I will attend with that activity bag on that dining room table right there.
Nance, we got to go.
Ed, take good care of her.
I will.
You guys have earned a vacation.
It'll be fine.
Honey, are there any questions or anything we haven't covered? Yeah.
Well, there's one thing here.
I don't see anything here about wolf attacks.
Okay, that's hilarious.
That's hilarious.
(chuckling) Good-bye, honey.
Good-bye, sweetie.
You be a good girl for Uncle Eddie, huh? Will you? Mommy loves you so much.
Bye, sweetie.
(loud kisses) Daddy loves you.
Mommy loves you even more.
(loud kisses) (sighs) Eddie, I trust you, but just so we're clear: If anything should happen to her I will make my life's work to destroy whatever it is you hold most dear.
Great.
Great.
Kiss.
Bye.
See ya.
See you, brother.
Have a good time.
See ya.
(sighs) Eli, did you check out this week's "True Story of Inspiration"? It is so lame.
The story about the guy who reads to blind people? Come on.
Is that really the best that they got? Yeah, whatever.
I'm inspired by the fact that I still put up with your broken brain.
Yeah, we do make an odd couple, don't we? You the odd one.
Yeah, but I mean, it really is amazing when you think about it.
Yes, it is.
Yeah, the vanilla and the chocolate, the salt and the pepper, the chicken breast and the chicken leg All right, easy, dude.
Hey, you know what they should do? What is that, Stubby? They should do a story about us, you know.
Like white guy, black guy working together, side by side, in harmony, loving and respecting one another.
I mean, it's unbelievable.
This isn't Montgomery, summer of '55, right? No, it isn't.
This is Stuckeyville 2003.
And, now, we may have come a long way from the days of Black Crows laws, we still have a long way to go.
Black Crows laws? That's Jim.
Dude, whatever.
Just leave me out of it, all right? But you're the only black person I know.
Sarah you might think of me as your funny Uncle Ed, who always brings joy and sunshine and endless laughter, but right now we have some business to take care of, because while I may not be a parent, nor have any direct parenting experience, I want you to know, Miss Burton, that I am more than prepared for a few days together.
Because I have seen both Three Men And A Baby andThree Men And A Little Lady, and I want you to know the lessons of both these outstanding films did not fall on deaf ears.
The panicked foot chases, the breaking of lamps, the spilling of food and the baby powder mishaps these are precisely the types of behavior that we want to avoid because the successful completion of our time together, it'll reflect very well on both of us, Sarah.
So, what do you say? Does that sound good? Oh, Mike, look at this place! It's adorable! Oh, of course.
Only the best for my woman.
Oh (dogs barking) (Nancy gasps) Hey, puppies.
Hey, puppy.
Hey.
What are you doing, baby? (gasps) You must be the Burtons! -Hello.
Yes.
Hi.
Welcome to the Berirnger House B&B! Hello.
I'm Linda Berringer.
Pleasure.
Hi.
Hey! I see you've met Pacino and DeNiro.
Yeah.
Why did you name them that? Because when I got them, they were both in heat.
(laughs) I-I don't get it.
Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro were both in the movieHeat.
Remember? Oh, right, right! Remember? Do you get it, honey? Yeah.
That's clever.
Oh, he doesn't get it.
You see, there was this motion picture calledHeat I get it, Linda.
Oh, okay.
Looks like somebody could use a little B&B-style R&R asap.
You know what I mean? Come on, you two.
I'll show you to your room.
She's nuts.
Michael.
Whoo.
PHIL: Let me tell you something about John Leguizamo.
Phil? Legs was still doing dinner theater in Dubuque when I took him under my wing.
I told him, I said, "Legs, three words: one-man show.
" And the ------- did it and he never looked back.
Phil.
Carol Vessey, there you are.
What are you doing here? Hey, listen, you still working for the Stuckeyville Progress? I do on occasion, yes.
Good, because I have got a story that'll be your bus ticket out of this landfill.
A story? Let me guess, a story about you.
No, it's not about me.
It's about love, and it's about respect and it's about us.
Okay, here's my pitch: Two men: Philip W.
Stubbs, Eli C.
Goggins, from two different worlds, kept apart by so much, yet who struggled day in and day out to find a common ground on which to stand together, united-- one.
Right.
So, it's a story about you and Eli working at the bowling alley.
Working, living, laughing, sharing, playing, crying.
I'm sorry, no.
What, you're passing on it? Uh, yeah, I'm sorry.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I feel sorry for you because when this story is published, and it will be published, you're going to be sorry.
Good! You can put those over there.
And in the bathroom, you will find complimentary toiletries, including a moisturizer made especially for Berringer House.
Is that right? It's wonderful.
Feel my hands.
Go ahead.
Pretty, pretty moist there, Linda.
I know.
Aren't they? Linda, this is perfect.
I love it.
Oh, good, good, good! Okay, so get yourselves settled and come downstairs if you like and help yourself to a glass of Merlot and a little seat by the fire.
Oh, we will.
Thank you so much, Linda.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Good.
Okay.
Great.
Thanks.
What do you think? I think I'm scared of Linda.
Oh, she's sweet.
Oh, Mike, I'm so happy.
This is so nice! Yeah, nice and peaceful.
This is going to be good.
Mike, stop eating that.
It's potpourri.
Oh.
Hey, Carol.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing here? I mean, what's up? I mean, how's it going? I just stopped by to see how things were going with Sarah.
Is everything okay? Yeah, everything's fine.
You okay? Yeah.
Like I said, everything's fine.
You going to let me in? Ed, let me in.
Hey, wait! Hi, Sarah.
You okay? She's fine.
That's what I said.
No, you said it in a way that you were hiding something, like I thought she wasn't fine.
I know.
That's what I was going for.
From the beginning of time, man has harbored a great fascination for fire.
It sustains us, yet it can destroy us at its whim.
(fire crackling) I'm musing on fire.
No, it's good.
Honey, this is the best, isn't it? (guitar plays) LINDA: Lay, lady, lay Lay across my big brass bed (laughter) Come on, Burtons! Come on over and join us for the famous Berringer Inn Sing-along! We're comfortable back here, thanks.
LINDA: Aah, boo.
I guess we have to come over there, then, huh? Come over here? (Linda humming) Stay, lady, stay Stay with your man awhile Till the break of day Let me see you make him smile Let me see me make you smile, Dr.
Burton.
LINDA: Everybody, now! ALL: His clothes are dirty, but his hands are clean And you're the best thing that he's ever seen Lay, lady, lay ED: After Princess Sarah saved Coco and Bobo and their dog Spot from that terrible tornado, everyone in the entire country sent Princess Sarah flowers.
In fact, there were so many flowers that Princess Sarah's Magic Castle was filled to the very top with flowers.
The end.
(whispering): Okay.
(whispering): Good night, Sarah.
Sweet dreams.
(breathes sigh of relief) (Sarah crying softly) Hey, honey, what's the matter? What's the matter? You miss your mommy? Aw okay.
It is time for you to stop all of your sobbing (crying louder) Mom, Mommy.
You want to listen to music? No! Yes, it's time for you to stop all of your sobbing Oh, oh Want some more? No? No! There's one thing you gotta do Magical Sleep Powder.
A little Magical Sleep Powder? To make me still want you Gotta stop sobbing now Hi, Sarah.
Go to sleep.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it Want Sharky? No.
Each little tear that falls from your eyes Hi.
Hi, Sarah.
I'm Yeah.
Makes, makes me want Whoo.
To take you in my arms (guffawing) And tell you to stop all your sobbing (bawling) We hear you're leaving That's okay Mrs.
Messinger.
(guitar playing) I thought our little wild time had just begun Great stuff.
I guess you kind of scared yourself, you turn and run If you could have a change of heart Rikki, don't lose that number You don't wanna call nobody else Everyone! Send it off in a letter to yourself Dr.
Burton again! Rikki, don't lose that number It's the only one you own (ringing) Hello? (Sarah crying) Carol, hey.
Hey, Ed.
What are you doing? Uh, well, I, uh (crying continues) had a little problem over here with Sarah.
Nothing.
What's wrong? No, I'm just trying to get her to go to bed, and But she she misses Mike and Nancy, so she So I'm Well, here.
(Sarah crying) I'll be there in five minutes.
Thank you.
Hmm (knock at door) Yeah, yeah.
I want Daddy and Mommy! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Carol, hi.
Thank God.
I want Daddy and Mommy! Hi.
Is that Yeah, honey a, uh honeydew helmet.
I want Daddy, Mommy.
I know, honey.
It seems to be really doing the trick.
I want Daddy and Mommy! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm at the end of my rope here.
Give me the child.
I want Daddy and Mommy! Aw Aw there she goes.
I want Daddy and Mommy! (crying stops) There you go.
Yeah.
There you go.
You're a good girl.
You're gonna quiet down now.
Yes.
Good girl.
No way.
How did you do that? It takes a woman's touch.
Call me if you need me.
(Sarah screaming) Need you.
(crying) Oh, Sarah, I'm sorry.
Honey, I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I want Daddy! Honey, I'm sorry you miss your mommy.
Yeah, let's get a picture.
A picture, a picture of Mommy and (Sarah bawling) Oh.
Hey, this would be even better.
Hey, look, honey, we're going to bring Mommy and Daddy right to you on a home video.
Quick, put it in.
Put it in.
Pop it in.
(crying) I am.
(Carol groans) Okay.
Okay, okay.
MIKE (mimics Don Corleone): Someday, and this day may never come, I'll call on you to perform a service for me.
(Sarah stops crying) But until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day.
NANCY (laughing): That was great, honey.
Now do Joe Pesci.
Aw MIKE (mimics Joe Pesci): I'm funny? I'm funny to you? I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? Is that it? I'm here to amuse you? To amusement? NANCY: Hit me with some Church Lady.
That's your daddy.
MIKE (falsetto): Well, isn't that special? NANCY: Awesome! Shirley, have you noticed what a delightful addition Eli has been to our Stuckeybowl family? I mean, when Jimmy left I believe you mean Kenny.
Kenny, right, the big guy.
I thought he would never be replaceable, but then along comes Eli, and I feel a real connection to him.
I know what you mean.
Before he came, you were a cold, narcissistic cipher.
Now you seem almost human.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Well, I want to take that message of friendship-- friendship that sees beyond color-- and show it to the world, but I need your help.
How so? Okay, well, I'm putting together this multimedia "collage" for the editor of theProgress.
Music, slides, the whole shebang.
Trouble is, I need some photos of me and Eli.
I heard him say he hated the idea.
Oh,pshaw.
Now, if he asks, just say you're updating your photo album, 'kay? What's in it for me? Disposable camera? MIKE: So, is this gonna be one of those group breakfasts? 'Cause I'll tell you right now, I'm not gonna talk to anybody.
Don't be so antisocial.
I'm all socialed out after last night.
I'm only talking to you.
Mike (lively chatter) (under breath): Let's make a run for it.
Well, if it isn't Dr.
and Mrs.
Van Winkle! We've been waiting for you two sleepyheads! GUESTS: Good morning.
-Okay, Nancy, I put you right here between the Messingers.
LINDA: And, Mike I've got you right here between the Jespersons.
Uh, Linda, if it's all the same, I'd like to sit next to my wife.
Oh, honey, it's okay.
It's okay.
It's fine, Linda.
This is fine.
That's the spirit.
Okay.
Now, I noticed that you two were the only ones that didn't sign up for our little snowshoeing expedition.
LINDA: Didn't you see the activity sheet? Uh, no, actually, we didn't.
(weak laugh) It's in the foyer.
Shall I sign you two up for it? Sure.
Yeah.
That'd be great.
(muttering approval) LINDA: Okay.
Now, for breakfast this morning, we will be serving a wonderful pan-fried brook trout, Oh caught fresh this morning by yours truly.
LINDA: Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you, gang.
Have you got any Special K? I'm sorry, what? I'm sure the trout is just delightful, but I'd rather have a little Special K.
Oh, you're funny, Mike.
Looks like we have a real comedian here, you guys.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a little round of applause for Mr.
Paul Rodriguez! (raucous laughter) A little comedy in the morning.
Okay, here we go.
Ooh Ah! Some brook trout! (laughter) How about that? For the lovely lady.
We ready? Lock and load.
Hey, you need a hand there, good buddy? Hey, thanks a lot, Phil.
Could you pass me that adjustable wrench there? PHIL: Yeah, sure.
Here.
Phil, would you pass me the wrench? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(camera clicks) What are you doing? You know what? Let me just get behind there for a second.
(camera clicks) Boo, what's the camera about? Updating my photo album.
Please shake hands.
What? Please shake hands.
I love pictures of people shaking hands.
Whatever you want, Boo.
Please continue to shake hands.
We good? Lovingly embrace each another, please.
Come on-- for Shirley.
For Shirley.
Get over here.
You know you love this.
(camera clicking) (softly): Hey.
(mutters) Carol, hey, wake up.
You got to see this.
What is it? Come, come with me.
Come on.
Hmm? ED: Look at her.
Ah.
There we go.
(laughter) MIKE: I feel ridiculous.
Why? Giant shoes.
Oh, come on.
This isn't so bad.
The woman made me eat trout for breakfast.
Okay! Eyes up, head up! (gasps) Let's take a little roll call to make sure I haven't lost any of my ducks.
Okay, when I call your name, I'd like you to please sound off.
Mrs.
Jesperson? Here.
Yes.
Mr.
Jesperson? Here.
Righto.
Mrs.
Messinger? Right here! I'd really prefer it if you just said, "Here.
" Oh, I-I'm sorry.
Uh, here.
I was just kidding.
That was just a little joke.
(laughter) It's like my thing! (laughing harder): Gotcha! Okay.
Mr.
Messinger? Here.
Okay.
Mrs.
Burton? Here.
And Dr.
Burton? Hey, sound off.
I'm not sounding off.
Please sound off.
I will not sound off.
Dr.
Burton? (under breath): I am begging you to sound off.
The woman can see me.
There's no reason to sound off.
Yoo-hooty-hoo-hoo? He's right here, Linda.
Oh, there you are, Mr.
Muscles! You doing okay? Okay, then, off we shall go.
(all others laughing and shouting) So Mike and Nancy failed to explain that Sarah here turns into the Screaming Skull at the stroke of 9:00 p.
m.
How are you holding up? Mm, nothing like a shower and about 17 hours of sleep can't fix.
Wait, wait, you got a busy, crazy weekend planned or? Why, you want me to stay? Do you want to stay? Do you want me to stay or ask me to stay? If I ask you to stay, will you stay? I'm leaving.
Will you stay? Okay.
Thank you.
CAROL: It's fine.
It's kind of fun.
Yeah.
So, when's Frankie come back? Couple days.
How's that going, you two still good? Yeah.
Um We hit a few rough patches there with the whole working-together thing, but we're I think we're past that, so That's great.
She's good girl.
Funny, pretty, smart, down-to-earth, the whole whole package.
What's up? -What? Hey, every time Frankie's name comes up, you launch into this whole monologue, praising her virtues.
So? I think she's great.
Yeah, I got that.
So? So? So, that's all.
Come on, Carol.
Do you remember how you felt when I first started dating Dennis? It's just weird, that's all.
Now, Missy, who's gonna be all dressed up for her play date? Who's gonna look so pretty for her play date? Sarah is! Yes, she is! How are we doing? Good.
Good.
Especially considering she wanted to wear her ballet tutu over her pants, and her shoes on her hands.
Okay.
(phone ringing) Oh, yeah.
There you go.
All dressed.
25 minutes later.
(ringing continues) Burtons' house, you've reached Ed.
Hey, Mrs.
Moriarty.
How Ready? One, two, three ED: Really? Gosh.
No, no, listen, no, I understand Yes, a fever of 102 is nothing to disregard.
Well, I'll bet she does feel like a baked potato.
Okay.
Yeah-- no, no, fine.
Listen, we'll do it another time.
Okay, sure, fine.
Bye.
(phone hangs up) So the play date's off.
Mary's sick.
No.
Honey, I'm sorry, your little friend is sick.
What are we gonna do? I don't know, but I can tell you one thing: She's staying in those clothes.
Then I guess we'd better go outside.
So be it.
One, two three.
Oh, yes, there goes the girl! Okay, I'm gonna go first, then you.
We'll be less easy to spot that way.
Okay, go.
LINDA: There he is, Dr.
Bur-TONE! Burton.
The name's Burton.
I know that, Silly Billy.
I was just trying to think of a little nickname for you.
Hey, what about "Silly Billy"? No, thanks.
Yeah, we can do bet Hey, there's Nance! How you doing? Perfect.
I need both of you outside, on the front lawn, in five minutes.
Why? For what? For a little surprise activity.
Nope.
Pardon? Mike and I were on our way out back to sit on that bench and look at the woods together.
Okay, that's supercalifragilistic- expialadocious, but you can do that right after the surprise activity.
Uh, Linda, we, uh You can call me "L.
" I'd prefer not to.
Mike and I just kind of want to be alone together.
Snowball fight! What? That's the surprise activity, snowball fight! And let me make a pledge to both of you.
I, Linda Bootsatapopalous, promise you that you two will have thetime of your life! I thought your last name was "Berringer.
" That's a stage name.
So, are you ready to have thetime of your life! No.
We're going to go sit on that bench.
All right.
Well, if you change your mind, we're going to be the ones out there having thetime of our lives! So this is where the kids come to play in the winter.
Yeah.
Look at old Sarah in the tunnels! Bet she'd make a great spelunker.
CAROL: Oh, so true.
And there are not enough children interested in a future in cave exploration these days.
SARAH: Hi, Mary.
You don't suppose that's Mary Moriarty, do you? Oh, you're doing so good.
Hey.
Hey, oh, hi.
Excuse me.
Are you Mrs.
Moriarty, Mary's mom? That's me.
Yes, I'm Ed Stevens, and I'm taking care of Sarah this weekend.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Yes.
I thought Mary was sick.
I thought Yeah.
Um She's feeling better.
Is she? She's feeling better? Who's the little girl playing with Mary? Who's that little tyke? MRS.
MORIARTY: Oh, that's Kathy Yu, Mary's best friend.
Oh.
We were under the impression that Sarah was was Mary's best friend.
No.
She spends more time with Kathy.
Wh-Why not include Sarah, though? I mean, why not include Sarah? Mary just wanted to play with Kathy.
That doesn't make much sense to me.
Doesn't make much sense to us.
Yeah, see Sarah, see how great she's doing with the tunnels? And-and what is Kathy doing? She's rolling around on the mat.
How exciting is that? Easy, easy there, Supermom.
I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you.
I mean, Mary was insistent.
I mean You know how kids are.
Can I get you coffee, tea, liqueur? I know how you newspapermen love to drink.
No, I'm fine.
Listen, you said on the phone something about a prostitution ring being run out of here? Yeah, that's pretty much been taken care of actually, but I have got a story that is gonna knock the paint off your walls.
Wait a minute.
There isn't a prostitution ring? Well, uh.
Whoa! Just give five minutes.
You won't regret it.
Shirley, lights.
(triumphant music plays) America beneath its shiny veneer lies a country still dealing with a deeply troubled past.
A country, in many ways, that remains divided, torn, hewn But in a small corner of this fractured nation-- this fractured America-- two men have begun the healing process.
(triumphant music building) Two men who have refused to live by society's rules-- to abide by the racism, the hatred, the ignorance.
Two men who have learned to live work laugh cry and love together.
(triumphant music continues) PHIL: Now, I'm not saying we need to be above the fold on this.
I don't think you need a thermometer to know how hot this property is.
(door slams open) What are you doing? PHIL: There he is Eli Meet Mr.
Raymond Dobbs.
Mr.
Dobbs's been doing the piece on us.
Phil, didn't I tell you I didn't want nothing to do with this, man? I was serious, man.
I don't want no part of this.
No disrespect to you.
Yeah, I understand completely.
You were the guy in that accident over off Joppa Road, right? Yeah, that was me.
Yeah, we did a story on it.
If you don't mind me asking, how's the how's the recovery been going? Well, pretty good.
Thanks for asking.
Mr.
Dobbs, don't get distracted by the wheelchair.
Focus on our differing skin colors.
Yeah.
Look, um, I got a 3:00.
I got to run.
We should talk sometime.
No problem.
Buzz my cell! Let's get this deal done.
Mmm, this is nice, isn't it? Yep.
Just a couple of kids in love Arrrgh! Gonna take that tall one first, maties! (laughter) Hey, that's very uncomfortable! Come on, throw back at us! (yelling): You listen here, lady! (laughter stops) Sorry.
Did I not make it perfectly clear that we wanted no part in this snowball fight? Come on! Scamper, throw snowballs.
You two are being so static over there.
Look! My wife and I are trying to have a simple weekend here (yelling): and you're ruining it! Okay, you're frightening me.
Good! Good.
If that's what takes for us to be left alone, be frightened.
Okay, sir, I'm going to ask you to take a step back, and if you don't, I'm going to blow this safety whistle.
Blow the whistle, Linda! Blow the whistle! Mike, you're screaming.
That's right, I'm screaming, because Linda Stephanapolous here has ruined our weekend!! Oh,I ruined your weekend? (screaming): Yeah! No.
You know what? You ruined your weekend, okay? I have been doing this for 17 years, and I know what people want more than they themselves do.
That's ridiculous.
Oh, is it? You're a doctor.
What do you do? Do you let your patients pick their own treatments? Do you? That's different.
No, it's not different, because you know better than them.
So, forgive me for trying to give you the benefit of my 17 years of experience in the inn business.
Forgive me for waking up at 5:00 in the morning to catch you a trout so that you could have something memorable for breakfast! Forgive me for pressuring you to go snowshoeing when I happen to know that everybody that takes that trip ends uploving it.
In short, forgive me for caring about your weekends, okay? Come on, people, let's go back to the front lawn.
I don't like trout for breakfast.
Oh ED: Can you believe that woman? She's so rude.
Oh, my God.
It's not like she had a choice.
You know what I mean? It's the whole crazy thing.
Why would someone do something like that? I know, especially to Sarah, Queen of Bubbleworld.
It's a snub.
You don't snub a three-year-old.
No.
Man, I'm evil.
What? What is it? Well, if Mary's mom doesn't want "Arah-say" in her little playgroup, we'll just have to make it so that every other kid would kill to play with her.
I'm not hearing the evil part.
The evil part is we throw Sarah the best kids' party.
We dress up in crazy costumes and we play crazy games, and we give away big bags of candy.
But it-it's an evil party? We invite every kid that Sarah knows except for Mary.
Mary's mom didn't want them to play together.
You are a horrible person.
I love it.
I did that in high school.
Kora Wilson tried to snub me, so I threw a toga party and I invited absolutely everyone but Kora.
Everyone.
Huh Well, I guess you must have a different definition of "everyone" than I do, because I don't recall being invited to any toga parties in high school.
I think you may be right, Mr.
Stevens.
Please accept my sincerest apologies.
(laughs) Apology accepted.
I can't let it go.
I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
I lost my cool, okay? You screamed at the top of your lungs at the nicest woman in the world.
I know.
(sighs) I'm sorry.
This argument has been the most fun I've had since we got here.
What? Yeah, 'cause it's just us.
I never dreamed of going on vacation with the Jespersons.
I came here to be withyou.
(sighs) Come here, you big moose.
ELI (chuckling): Check out my smile, Shirley.
Check out that million-dollar smile.
Hmm.
I'd put it closer to three or $400,000.
But the hat is spectacular.
Aw, thank you.
I appreciate that.
Listen to this.
"Eli Goggins's hardworking, positive attitude "makes him the linchpin that holds Stuckeybowl together.
" It's true, you are the linchpin.
Yeah, but I couldn't do it without you.
You the glue.
You my Shirley-glue.
Come on, Phil.
Come on, man.
Check it out.
Trying to eat here, thank you.
Phil, come on, man.
It's not that serious, man.
No, it's not.
Want me to look at it? Fine.
I can handle this.
Okay.
That stings.
(drops candy) Hey, children.
Have some vittles.
Ed, what are you supposed to be? I'm a space cowboy.
Space? I thought we agreed on a Wild west theme.
No,you agreed on a Wild West theme.
I wanted outer space.
Hence, the compromise.
(gun buzzing) There's no such thing as a space cowboy.
Oh, really? Hmm.
I'll show you.
Watch this.
Hey, kids.
Who wants to ride the space cowboy? Hop aboard.
It's piggyback time! Come on, now.
Who wants a? Come on, jump on there.
Wha! Okay, um Who's on board? You onboard, little climber? Andrew, look what I made you.
All right, now.
It's a horse with a dog's face (Ed groans) and giraffe's legs.
Whoa! It's very rare.
(laughing) (kids screaming) Huh? Oh! Go on, sweetie.
Just wait one second.
All right.
Ed's got to go take a look at something.
Okay.
Let's go.
Howdy.
Big, uh, party, huh? Yes, big party.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess I, uh, don't know what to tell you.
You know how kids are.
-Yeah.
GIRL: Ew! What's that, sweetie? Oh.
I know.
Watch out.
Well, I guess we better be heading back to the party.
Got to keep the kids safe from all the aliens.
(gun buzzes) Space cowboy.
Uh, Mrs.
Moriarty, uh, maybe, um maybe Mary would like to join the party.
She'd love to.
Well, much obliged.
You're my sweet lady, Nance.
Nance? Shh.
I need time for sleep.
What? You don't want to hear my words of love? No, honey.
Not now.
Write them down.
(guitar playing) LINDA: See the curtains hangin' in the window In the evening on a Friday night A little light-a-shinin' through the window Lets me know everything's all right Summer breeze makes me feel fine Blowing through the jasmine of my mind.
Whoo! So, the princess put the fish back in the magic fishbowl.
And she jumped on Steve the Flying Dog, and they took off back to the castle.
And when they got back to the castle, the magic fish filled the entire castle up with candy.
And there was a problem, 'cause dogs couldn't eat chocolate.
And Steve the Flying Dog was headed straight for a Kit Kat.
Ed.
So Hello.
Hi.
Hey, look who's back.
Carol! Did you have to bail out Ed? Uh, no.
I came by just to say hi.
So, any problems? How did the, um, play date go? Yeah, preschool scuttlebutt has it Mary's a biter.
Well, let's just say the play date bar's been raised significantly.
(sighs) Well, we did it.
We successfully parented a child.
That we did.
Yeah.
You're going to make a really good dad someday.
Oh, I don't know about that, Carol.
I think it was your mom skills that got us through this weekend.
Actually, I think you may be right about that.
(chuckles) Hey, do you want to go over to the diner? Get a cup of coffee or something? I'd love to.
I'd love to.
I um I have to go to the airport and pick up Frankie.
Oh, uh, yeah, I forgot about that.
I think the gang's meeting tomorrow at the Goat.
Yeah, right.
-So, I'll see you there? Yes.
(car engine starts) (SUV engine starts)